>"Private Anonymous, I have received several reports of inappropriate behavior unbecoming of your position in the Guard. I suggest you clean up your act if you do not want to be..."
I actually wonder how a sergeant would discipline a masochist.
"Alright look Colonel Derpy, I understand that the other ponies may have a problem with me just because I'm ya know, a little different but that doesn't mean that I'm just going around screwing stuff up."
>D:"Oh really? Can you explain the reports of you sleeping on post then?"
"In my culture, Humans sleep for many periods of time throughout the day. In fact, sleeping on the job shows just how hard you've been working and is a sign of exhaustion from working so hard and is often praised!"
>D:"And there's also been multiple reports of you taking multiple rations of food."
"Hey, I'm like 3 times bigger than you guys. I need the extra food or I'll die!"
>D:"Then there's the vandalism you've been scrawling on the castle walls. Such as "Princess Luna is a mule fucker" and "Principal Cadence is the princess of getting fucked."
"Once again, public proclamations such as those are terms of endearment in my culture! I bet Princess Fuckslu- I mean princess Celestia loved my notes!"
>D:"You have insulted the royal sisters and insulted the guard itself! Cast away your traditions and learn our own before you are disciplined appropriately!"
"Fine. Fine. I'll learn YOUR traditions as well..."
>D:"One more thing before you leave!"
>D:"Call me that again and I will have your head! There's also been 3 reports of sexual harassment from you. Care to explain them?"
>You stay silent for a moment before answering
"I'm not apologizing."
>D:"TOILET CLEANING DUTY FOR A WEEK ANONYMOUS! Now get out of my quarters."
"A whole week?! This is ludicrous!"
>D:"Shall I make it 2 or are you going to leave without another word?"
>You start to leave grumbling to yourself
"Stupid Colonel... I thought she was supposed to be a downy or something. Maybe coming to Equestria wasn't the best idea after all. Damn magic bleach."
>You continue grumbling to yourself as you move towards your barracks
>Of course if you paid more attention, you would have seen the pony right below you
>"I'm not apologizing"
Couldn't help but hear it like his voice...please, continue?
>And due to your inability to see said pony, your foot caught right against its side and you and it went tumbling end over end
>You promptly slammed your face into the ground and sent your custom made helmet skittering across the hallway
>You pick yourself up and look at the pony clutching it's side
>?:"What the hell is wrong with you?! Oh, of course it's the new recruit! You should look where you're going you know!"
>It was a unicorn stallion of the royal guard
>Distinguishable only by their cutie marks
>You glance at his flank
>It was a paint bucket
"Oh uh, sorry about that... Paint Bucket?"
>GP:"My name is Sergeant Glistening Paint you imbecile! You best get that right before I have you do 5 laps around the castle private!"
>Pfft, Glistening Paint
>You gave a lazy attention and salute
"Sorry sir! Won't happen again sir!"
>GP:"It better not private! Or I'll be informing the colonel of your actions! Now carry on your buisness!"
>You drop your salute and continue walking to the barracks
>Colonel must have told everyone about your "misdeeds".
>It's not your fault that the ponies were so fun to mess with
>And from what you remembered the royal guard was always portrayed as useless in the show
>You get to the barracks and lay down in your bunk
>The bunk was also only half your sides
>It looked very similar to Will Ferrell in Elf sleeping the in the elf beds
>You close your eyes and try to just maybe take a nap
>And any attempt at sleep was shattered with your battle buddy jumping on your fucking chest
>Her name was White Rose
>She was a Pegasus from Cloudsdayle
>And she was really
>She took all the stuff she was told about battle buddies on boot camp in complete seriousness
>So she was pretty much joined at your hip most the time
>WR:"How'd it go with the Colonel? I heard she was pissed at you!"
"Oh you know, same old same old. Some yelling. Threatening. Fun stuff like that."
>She giggles at you
>WR:"None of that sounds fun in the slightest Anonymous! The Colonel scares me... with her one eye and the fact that it always isn't looking at you. Sometimes it's looking at the ceiling... or the floor...."
"She doesn't scare me. She just looks scary. I bet under that tough exterior is a nice cute pony who loves muffins and just wants to deliver the mail."
>You jump out of bed into attention and salute
>Unfortunately this also sent White Rose flying across the barracks
>Right into the weapon racks
>Spears begin clattering onto the floor
>WR:"Ugh... I'm okay!" White Rose said weakly
>Derpy glares at you
>D:"What are you doing relaxing? I thought I put you on bathroom cleaning duty! And Private White Rose! There shall be no grab ass in the barracks!"
>Derpy continues to glare at you
>D:"WHAT ARE YOU STILL STANDING AROUND FOR ANONYMOUS?!"
>You scramble the fuck outta the barracks to the broom closet
>You grab whatever looks like a cleaning supply and drag that shit to the bathroom
>You were not about to get some tinnitus from getting yelled at by the Colonel
>You grab mop and dip it in the mop bucket and start to move it across the floor
>The floor looked clean to you but what did you know right?
>You continue to move the mop back on forth on the floor
>You take a moment and look at the doorway
>And there she was
>The mechanical wing
>Scar across her eye
>And the chopped Rainbow mane
>General of the Sky Guard
>General Rainbow Dash
>She walked right past flanked by two of the royal guard
>She didn't even glance in your direction
>A few moments after she passes White Rose is in the doorway
>WR:"Omigosh did you see her Anonymous? It was Rainbow Dash! The war hero!"
>Apparently White Rose was a big fan
"Yeah, I saw her for a second."
>WR:"Gosh, she's so awesome!"
"You gonna sit there admiring her or are you gonna help me battle buddy?"
I wish to cum inside Rainbow House.
>"Private Anonymous, I have received several reports of inappropriate behaviour unbecoming of your position in the Guard. I suggest you clean up your act if you do not want to be..."
“Fuck the Guard, it stands for nothing. What happened to protecting the civilians? Loyalty to the crown? Being there when the populous needs us most.”
>”Pipe down private!”
>Major General Muffins shouts in your face.
>What happened to that kind mail mare?
>To you, the war has already claimed her life.
>Nothing more than a mean bark.
>Apparently losing an eye and having a cut ear makes you a war hero.
“No, I had enough! It’s not about protecting our home, or the princess’ or even the common cause!”
>”BE QUIET! PRIVATE! I’ll have you hung for treason”
>She sneers in your face.
“Treason! See! you officers think you are some kind of god. I'm sorry but your nothing more than a cross eyed-”
>You see a hoof fly towards your face just before total darkness.
>Sharp pain shoots across your forehead as you regained conciseness.
>You rub your head and check your hand.
>Only a few spots of blood.
>Most of it must of congealed.
>Shakily you sit up right and look around.
>You wince to focus on the scenery, the whole camp has vanished.
>Just a small fortified village sits happily sitting in the distance among hills.
>If you remembered correctly the enemy is only twenty miles east.
>Upon realising this you stumble to your feet.
“Those fucking cowards.”
>You couldn't believe it. How can the Guard the Royal guard desert their own citizens like this.
>A unfamiliarity of your arm catches your attention.
>Your badges and patches.
>They been ripped off.
>Checking around you, your bag, supplies and sword has been taken too.
>Frantically you check your pockets, lucky enough your multi tool remains.
>How many times this tool saved your skin you do not know.
>You look back west, they must of retreated back farther inland.
>In the distance you see small figures trying to pull a heavy load.
>1- Go to fortified village.
>2- Follow the guard.
>3- Investigate figures.
cut rations down to bare minimum, make them work multiple watches, possibly punish the squad as a whole to coerce them into dealing with his shit, bathroom cleaning, potato peeling, plenty of options to discipline without pain.
"Forgive me, ma'am, but there seems to be a mix-up here. You see I'm under orders to answer only to Celestia. So if you have any reports of my behavior you'd wish to act on, they'd useless without going through the proper chain of command"
>"You were groping on-duty officers in public, Private!"
"Protocol must be followed Captain. I can't order you to do anything, but you are in just as bad a position only when it comes to addressing special cases such as myself. Now this isn't an order, because we both know I'm not allowed to give those, but you might want to seek out someone who gives a damn, to find another high ranker officer who gives a damn to send to his superior who gives a damn, to hand it off to Celestia."
>Derpy fumed and glared intensely at you, but there's nothing a smug anime face can't defuse
>She turns to leave, when you stop her
"Oh and Captain..."
>Before she can turn her head to face you, she feels your hand slap her flank
"I have a good feeling we'll be seeing each other again, so be sure to wear something sexy friday"
>A sense of dread work it's way down Captain Hooves's spine
>It was a new feeling to her to grit her teeth while also break into a cold sweat, but her pride wouldn't allow her to let you know how deep your words cut into her
>She continued walking down the hall, while you leaned back against an ancient painting adorned the Canterlot Castle walls
>You looked over to the private who was on assigned to guard that particular hall with you and gave a predator's smile
"You boys are lucky I'm on your side, cause I'd kill for some of that ass"
>The cold winter's wind whips harshly against the canvas that shelters you
>It echos the crystal tyrants roar and nearly deafens your your sense of hearing, but that was no matter
>Your focus was on tomorrow's raid
>Slowly but surely with your presence your troops have been gaining ground, but unfortunately it would be nullified by the fact Sombra is working around you at the same speed despite Princess Luna's best efforts
>The frigid air in the war room is stagnant with the exception of the fire at the center of the tent
>Your zen is interrupted by dragon's fire
>By pure muscle memory, your telekinesis quickly snatches it from the air and you skim it
>Your zen is turned into a deep sneer
>A quick motion you crumple the letter up and toss it into the fire in front of you
>Another complaint about Anonymous
>You exhale deeply to vent out the build up
>He has been quite the character
>Has everything you need, but in a bundle too tightly wrapped you can't use it
>But with time, he can end this war
>You close your eyes
>Strong as ten Earth Ponies
>Can run as fast as the wonderbolts flies
>But most importantly, has an absence of magical presence in him
>Not only is magic ineffective against him, it'd be better to say it simply doesn't exist around him
>As long as he keeps himself from endangering your ponies, you are willing to tolerate his attitude, no matter how disgusting it tastes
>Anything to keep him from the hooves of Sombra or Chrysalis
>Had he not proven himself in his first encounter, perhaps you would keep him on a shorter leash, but now he is too important
>You take a deep breath
>A changeling's camouflage is broken right before it is thrusted straight into the fire
>It screams as your magic holds him down
>If only you could remember the spell that suppresses sound as well, but doesn't cancel out the effect of fire
>You open your eyes and watch him try to struggle from your restraints in vain
>You don't feel hatred or disdain
>The war coupled with your teachings has made you numb to those
>You feel blessed to have those old friendship lessons around to brighten your mood, to remind yourself that you aren't losing yourself
>Be Twilight Sparkle
>Celestia's old apprentice
>Celestia's new replacement
Sorry if this is a bit slow (the writing, not the writing process)
>It’s going to be a bad day
>You knew it when you got your orders today
>You knew it getting out of your bed this morning
>You knew it going to bed yesterday
>And you knew it when you saw his fucking face earlier this week
>”Fuck a duck, it’s too damn hot outside”
>Your eyes whip to glare at him, but he’s too busy shielding his eyes from the desert sun, looking off to the horizon to the south east
>Be Captain Derpy Hooves
>Much to your disdain, you are in the company of Equestria’s newest ally
>Your orders were to investigate some inconsistencies and red flags in Appaloosa
>With the Wonderbolts away fighting on the western front and all bases close to the southern border are too understaffed to spare ponies for what could be a pointless checkup, it was up to you to find out what’s going on there
>But this time being a resources and Equestria is in too dire a situation to waste any resource frivolously it was decided that the only escort you needed was one human to keep up with you rather than a flight of pegasi to slow you down
>So far he’s kept up with you on foot, and you’re getting an inclination he’s only pacing himself with you
>If he weren’t so disgusting, it’d be impressive
>You stop for the last night of your trip, before you arrive in town and start to make camp, though camp was a very generous term
>A small fire ring and laying down a light sleeping bag wasn’t much of a base, but time is a resources, and there’s no need to be wasting it on comforts
>Unfortunately you are the only one here who holds onto that sentiment
>You look over to the ape whose busy gazing at the sunset
“Private, go gather us some firewood”
>He starts tapping his foot expectantly
>He swivels himself towards you and then goes to attention before giving off makes a mock salute with his left hand
>And in a flash he’s off
>You wait for a long moment before you're sure he's gone
>Your body becomes slack as you exhale
>You grind your hoof into the sand beneath you
>The more you think about him the harder you press into the ground
>Harder and harder you exert your strength trying to gain any sort of satisfaction from punishing the ground, but it doesn’t give you any sort of satisfaction
>Finally you burst and give off a yell of frustration and collapse onto your bed
>Was it because of your approach earlier that week
>When you heard he was private, you didn’t think twice about him being an alien
>All soldiers should be held at the same level of accountability right?
>We all stand under banner of Equestria
>But no, not him
>He’s too important
>He’s too good
>The special snowflake gets to keep degrading his superiors
>Slack on guard duty
>Harass the mares
>You had to change for Equestria
>You had to molded to be used for the war effort
>So why don’t they make him change
>Why won’t they mold him?
>It’s not fair
>Your ears twitch from the sound of an approach
>It’s trying to be sneaky
>During your… decompressing, darkness seems to have cascaded over you
>Only a few hues of purple and orange are left in the sky
>You raise yourself slowly and grasp a spear in your hoof
>The air is dry
>You lick your lips
>You whip around and call out
”Nice try private, but your still too loud”
>And for the big reveal you see him walk out from behind cactus with a large bundle of sticks and logs in his arms
>He snaps his fingers
>”Darn, maybe next time”
>You can’t see him too well now that the sun’s down, but you can definitely see something splotched on his arms
>Then the scent hits you
>”Don’t worry it’s not mine”
>You quirk a brow
“Anything you’d like to report?”
>He walks up to the fire ring and sits down letting the wood fall out of his arms
>”Well, it’s less of a report and more of a menu”
>He grabs three pair of rabbit ears and holds them up to you
>Two clean kills, but one of them was falling apart at the torso
>His grin fades away
>Maybe he was expecting to get a rise out of you
>Perhaps if he tried this a year ago, it would’ve worked
>He starts setting up the logs in a teepee style only for it to fall over immediately after pulling his hands away
>He tries to set them up again, but alas they fall over again
>You pause for a second
“You’re supposed to make a log cabin if you want to cook something”
>He looks over to you, before he looks back at the fire pit
>”Oh… that makes sense.”
>He starts stacking the logs in parallels
>”Have you gone camping before then?”
“Only after I was drafted…”
>He remained quiet for a little bit, concentrating on using flint and tinder to light the fire
>After a few dozen tries and couple false starts there’s finally some light
>He takes a knife and starts cutting the rabbit a bit before he peels off the skin completely
>For a moment you’re surprised, but then you turn to your travel bags and think on your own meal
>Now let’s see what the boys at the DFAC put in your lunchbox for today
>Bag of oats and grains MRE again
Probably done for the night
Is this not what you meant when you told me to "inspect the troops"?
>allowing one of your men to molest guards, disrespect superior officers, and just be a generally bad influence on moral and discipline
>be surprised when either he is found dead in his sleep, or you wake up to a military coup
>You look at the fire again and see three skewers standing close to the flames
"That's quite the magic trick..."
>You said in monotone
>"Hmmm, oh that. Ah just something I picked up from a thread"
>"It's too difficult to explain"
"... Alright then."
>You turn back to your MRE and start setting up the heating packages
>You didn't have to heat it, but from the way these things are made, it's more edible as an oatmeal slush
>It's a quick process
>Before you know it, it's already good to eat if there ever was a good time to eat an MRE
>You don't know what's more astonishing
>The fact that these have enough calories for every meal of the day all packed into one serving
>Or the fact that they can make oatmeal taste like shit
>You take your first bite and choke it down fast
>You're then reminded to ready the Applejuice that comes with this to help wash down the "flavor", but water will do for now
>"Tough times eh?"
>You see him smirk poking at the fire while he watches you
>He has the gall to joke about tough times
>Equestria's struggling to stay on it's hooves against three foreign powers
>You know his jest was in earnest, but you can't help but feel angry
>But you can't let go of your composure
>Instead of lashing out, you simply lie quietly and finish your hot oatmeal and save your juice for later
"I will take second shift. You take first watch tonight"
>He carefully turns the uncooked side of the rabbit to face the fire
>With that settled you retreat under your sleeping bag
>the terrain under you is still a bit bumpy but after tossing and turning enough you manage to find a comfortable spot
>Luna is no longer available to meet you in the embrace of slumber, but it doesn't matter, since you haven't dreamed in a long time
I have a little setup for that, but I haven't felt compelled to address it directly yet
"I'm not going to stop."
>"Anonymous, we've told you a hundred times. You can't kill Sombra's soldiers. There are still ponies underneath those helmets."
"And those ponies are going to throw this country into darkness if we don't stop them. How do you plan on doing that, Derpy? Hitting them gently on the head?"
>"It's worked before."
"But not enough."
>"I'm not going to have you besmirch the name of the Guard because you want play Celestia with these ponies' lives!"
"They wouldn't show you the same mercy. They're monsters. They'd kill you without a second thought."
>"And it's up to us as their betters to not stoop to that level. We're civilized, Anonymous."
"Do I look civilized to you?!"