I have a few friends who were suicidal so i wrote this poem based on thier experiences, im srry if this is super stupid and cringey af k thnx here u go:
The rain cries with me in the middle of the night,
As the beautiful but taunting moon shines bright.
I see dead souls climbing and scattering up and down the walls,
Saying "Why don't you climb up a cliff and fall?"
Scarlet red wraps around my arms like strings
While I imagine the most scariest of things.
"What if the voices are right?"
As I feel my throat get tight.
I feel like there is nothing for me to keep or give,
So what is the point for me to live?
Blinded by my own words I put my hand in the air and stared.
Whispering "Can someone help me? I'm fucking scared!"
No one was there to grab me by the hand or reply
As my soul wished it could just escape and fly.
Thinking about how optimistic expectations could kill
While negativity could make such a thrill.
I'm to childish to live in such a reality
My tiny heart doesn't have anybody.
Where is a shoulder when I need to cry?
Who will be waiting to say goodbye?
As I pull out the gun.
My fingers shiver as I touch the trigger,
There wasn't any happy ending, life from the start was always bitter.
How does this answer my question AT ALL?
I'd like to know what processes go through your head when you read a concrete question, don't address it in a response but write as if it was an answer.
would this be a good introduction for people wanting to get into poetry in general? I've been browsing here for a couple months and while I really enjoy reading and the occasional poem I'm awful at analysing them both. Part of me wishes I had studied humanities so I could learn this stuff.
I like it. I imagine you sitting on a roof, silently watching the city lights in the rain. Neat picture too.
I don't know shit about poetry, but here are some ideas for language improvements:
>I see dead souls climbing and scattering up and down the walls
I'd replace the "up and down" with something else ("upon"?), so you don't stack two X+and+Y expressions.
Maybe use the present simple for the verbs ("climb", "scatter") to make the line cleaner?
*wall (to make it rhyme?)
Is "most" intentional? Otherwise it's redundant.
>As I feel my throat get tight.
I'd skip the "as" to give it better flow.
>I feel my throat..., I feel like there...
Kinda repetitive but whatever.
>I feel like there is nothing for me to keep or give, So what is the point for me to live?
Skip one or both of the "for me". The "I" is enough for us to understand that they're your feelings.
>Blinded by my own words I put my hand in the air and stared.
I read the sentence as if it were in the present, and then it suddenly switched to the past. Use another word instead of "put" (e.g. "stretched") so stupid readers like me won't get confused.
Secondly, if you end with a comma instead of a period you make the transition to the next line grammatically correct.
>escape and fly.
I feel like "escape, fly" would make the line more impactful.
>I'm to childish
>As I pull out the gun.
Same as above. Skip the "as".
>...happy ending, life from...
Semicolon if you want to be grammatically correct.
You probably put the lines like this intentionally, but in case you didn't, I think it'd read better if you make the first line "'No one.' I pull out the gun." and then split the last line into two.
Lastly, your commentary told as much of a story as your poem. Kinda cute.
>I have a few friends who were suicidal so i wrote this poem based on thier experiences, im srry if this is super stupid and cringey af k thnx here u go
What you wrote is middle-school tier garbage. I tried to fix it, but you can't make a castle out of shit.
The rain cries with me
As the taunting moon shines.
souls climb and scatter the walls,
"Why don't you cross a bridge and fall?"
What if they're right?
There is no one to grab me
As I pull out the gun.
Someone posts shit on a basket weaving inspired image board dedicated to circle jerking about mediocre classics and expects to not be treated like the vapid untalented faggot they are.
You don't really need any sort of intro for freeverse because it's all about just doing whatever the fuck you want. Meter+Rhyme or just Meter is definitely the way to go.
If you're going to do anything out of the ordinary, it's more fun to make up your own non-standard metrical arrangements than to just ignore structure altogether.