>>7653534 Alright. So there's this girl, barely eighteen, but she looks about thirty years old. Why is that? Well, last decade was rough. End of the world makes your forehead wrinkly. Everybody died, and the question of how is boring, but she survived, thankfully. So the girl scavenges for canned food and fresh water, and without the competition it's not even tough, but the boredom sets in. Ten years since she saw another human being! And so it happens that she screws around in the mall and stumbles upon a sealed pregnancy test. Thankfully her sence of humor is still intact. The next time she relieves herself on the test. Two stripes: positive.
>>7653136 Yeah, I find that playing around with language lets me be more creative while also reducing the stress of wanting/trying to write something "good" or comprehensive. It's experimental--an experiment--so the results are useful either way.
I actually wrote an experimental bit the other day, I've posted it in a couple threads already but haven't gotten a crit yet. Anybody interested?
>Tresfoliando em nuestra folía à deux: m'atrevo no m'atrevo, trevo a trevo, hojeando las nocturnotas de nuestras bacantes, aún por cubrir. ((Busca, Gran Buscón emboscado, a tus busconas en el follaje...)) Ehe? Trevoé! Trevo trevoso...[Sauberes Klee, valiente terno. Eterno...no hay folía a dos sin tres?, se preguntaba una noche el inaudito calculador de los mil alias papeleando con su bella babélica ((: Apila! pila a pila...))en la torre de papel. Babelle, Milalias y...Herr Narrator. Qui?, inquirió ella. Una especie de ventrílocuelo que malimita nuestras voces, explicó. El ecomentador que nos dobla y trata de poner en claroscuro todo lo que escrivivimos a la diabla. Loco por partida doble, Narr y Tor, por eso le puse en germanía Herr Narrator. Ah bon, ya lo conocerás...En sus delirios se toma por el autor de nuestro folletón...:Au Tor, que salga el doble doblado...Entre tanto, aquí me tienen, loco citato, entre corchetes preso, haciéndome el Herr Narrator.] Y ahora, Rei de Trevas! Roi de trèfle! Kleekönig!, en un tris tras tres a atribularte a las notas de la almohada that's just the first paragraph of the book...
At time the puns in five simultaneous languages and multi layered schizoid characters get tiresome but as Finnegans worship, there's nothing better 2bh
>>7653785 Thanks! Anybody else, feel free to critique as well:
“I’m ah, not some kind of a—ah—ah, a stealer! Ah, ah—ah—ah—ah—a, a thief!” So the guy at the front is shouting at the cashier. I take a look around and don’t even register the details and I know he’s homeless, I don’t know why I looked but like, as I was just starting to move to look, before I even saw him, I just knew he was. So I try to turn around before I get a glimpse, a little quicker and more haphazardly than I would have if I didn’t want to actively avoid acknowledging him like you learn to do with them on the East side, making me hit my head on the rack next to the conveyor for groceries, (you know, with all the trashy magazines that you can’t help but glance at because they say, in big bold sexual symbols, both/either human and/or orthographical, “SEX”,) loud enough that some people look over and then everybody looks over and the incident sort of dissolves, he stops shouting and just looks at me and, and I’m not kidding, then he takes this half-eaten chocolate bar out of his pocket and throws it on the floor and yells “THANKS FOR NOTHIN” (yeah, like that, without the G, but also as if the G were never there, thus “NOTHIN” r/t “NOTHIN’”) loud enough that the whole store hears. Huh? Ah, yeah, the chocolate broke into a bunch of pieces on the floor, it was awesome.
>>7653894 Hey, thanks for the critique! Could you tell me how the ending felt over-explanatory, aside from the G thing? I also felt pretty unsure about the G bit, but I included it because I didn't want to get rid of it entirely without considering it. I like how it interrupts the sort-of climax with an arbitrary detail though, and how it indicates that the narrator is actually speaking the words by detailing how she's pronouncing them.
Just to be clear: Are you saying that over-explaining feels like a condescending device to you in general, or that my use of it specifically felt condescending? What would you suggest for me making it feel less condescending?
Lastly, what did you enjoy about this piece that made you want to read more of it? Thanks again.
>>7653938 Nah, that's the thing. The twist doesn't need to be expanded upon. The twist is the story. And I had alien rape in mind anyways.
Another one: so this one guy - a translator by craft - suddenly understands that English language is too broad and doesn't really describe the concepts in his head. Luckily, he invented a universal translator, but it's not yet out for mass production. But English is hardwired within him and any new language will just become a twisted version of it and other languages he knows. He undergoes an operation and knowledge of English and other languages is fully erased and is replaced with his own neuro-language. He comes home, happy and fullfilled, ready to share his perfect mind-pictures, and sees that his one-of-a-kind universal translator is destroyed by his cat.
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