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Thoughts?
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You are currently reading a thread in /lit/ - Literature

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Thoughts?
>>
>>7640788
Pretty and poignant, though a tad too cliche IMO desu
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>>7640788
Trite and cliched. Too on the nose.
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overblown and not wholly original. polaroids have been popular for a while now.
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lmao, and this is why I love 4chan
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>>7640873

It wasn't a polaroid

>>7640861
Thank you
>>
>>7640873
>not wholly original

What does that mean?
>>
>>7640788

saying "wow this was a happy moment :)" isn't poetry

I will say this sincerely: you cannot write poetry. Read some poetry and then try again.
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>>7641012

Did I call this poetry?
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>>7641023

no but you also didn't call it garbage but that doesn't mean it isn't that
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>>7640788
I would get deeper. Construct your memory out of natural objects and images.

I think enjambment would really help too, to "soften the edges" of some lines. Right now, your line choice seems safe, somewhat meaningless.
>>
>>7640788
Alright, I'm not particularly fond of this but I don't think it's quite unsalvageable either.

>worsened these features

Find something more descriptive that doesn't force the reader to refer bad to the previous line. Deepen the existing imagery with more imagery rather than maintaining it through reference.

>This would be considered by most to be a bad photograph

This is too wordy/fluffy imo. Say more with less. "A conventionally bad photograph", or even just "A bad photograph" still gets the message across. Play with what you want to do with this line.

>blurriness, softness, gentleness

Lots of "ness"es here, these irk me. Why not try "It is blurry, but not blurry to me" rather than "The blurriness is not blurriness to me"? Why not say "It is warm, soft, gentle" rather than "It is warmth, softness, gentleness"?

>Molded by my ego

Too overt. What does this add? What are you intending to convey in the poem through this line?

>And the same is true for the other person in the photograph

Again, work on saying less with more, and build upon the previous imagery rather than referring to it. You might consider mentioning the other person in the picture earlier too, so you don't resort to this windy construction.

>A six-month accumulation of me

What does this mean? That the photo was taken 6 months ago? This is too abstract, you need to be more visual/connotative. You give the reader very little to imagine relative to how much they must read. Convey your intention in this line with something a reader can relate to.

>Because It

Did you intend to capitalize "It"? Either way, I'd suggest getting rid of it. You don't capitalize any of your other references to the photo, for one, so capitalizing it now just looks weird, and for two, the photograph gains nothing through capitalization.

Please work on these issues, as well as the more general ones everyone else has mentioned, and post a revision.
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>>7640788
I was going to edit your comment into the Nickelback exploitable, but it probably isn't even worth it, desu.
>>
>>7641387
Very good post.
Thread replies: 14
Thread images: 1
Thread DB ID: 479476



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