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Spanish critique thread
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You are currently reading a thread in /lit/ - Literature

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Compadres, panas, parceros, pibes, manines, vatos, amigos, primos: queda inaugurado el primer critique thread en lengua española. Publiquen en este hilo sus escritos y aténganse a las normas y usos de los hilos de crítica que, presumo, ya conocen por sus versiones anglosajonas.
Adelante, y Dios quiera que no nos cierren.
>>
>>7558375
Get out
>>
Pene, poronga, pinga, polla.
>>
Quisiera llamar a un ángel
Que rompa mi monotonía.
Hace años que mis pasos
caminan junto al silencio.
No pido mucho, sólo compañía
y que sus alas me protejan
de las lágrimas de esta vida,
y que su mirada me haga
olvidar que yo nací,
y que su manos me cubran los ojos
cuando ella no está ahí.
Serás fantasía de un alma desdichada
¿O es que acaso vuelas junto a mí?
>>
Now you know why you fear the night.
>>
Bumpeo, supongo. Hispanohablantes, anímense, carajo.

>>7558735
Damn right.
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>>7558730
/r9k/ pa ser sinsero
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>>7558375


CITA CON LA NOCHE

Me acuerdo cuando salí con la noche
Nos citamos a las 6pm
Entre la calle del mercado viejo y la
velada avenida industrial

Donde Juegan los huérfanos, y los rios humanos
desechan su desperdicio artificial.

En aquel momento cuando la tierra se olvida
del sol, y los terrestres de ella
la luna se desenvolvió y un frío de color morado me arrasó
arrastrandome por las calles con su brisa de seda.

Los carros apagados, polvorientos con reflejo lunar
fueron los unicos testigos de nuestro rendezvous.
un borracho navegaba el Getsemaní laberíntico
apoyándose de las placas de bronce verde y tibio
su vision de túnel, ignorante a nuestra aventura.

Por los árboles y techos fríos me reia
de los cantos oscuros y olores caseros de esa ciudad
de indias, amurallada y modernizada.
perros ladriendo
el grito de una niña malcriada
el aplauso de un cumpleaños
una película italiana pirateada por internet

Mis pies descalzos sentían los restos del
sol durmiente. Ancestro eterno, padre de todos.
El que busco en los días frios y que acaricia
my cabello crudo

No lo extraño en estas horas pues bien
acompañado voy de los vapores subterráneos
que como espejismo, le dan forma a las pesadillas cotidianas
que escapan la fragilidad humana
y cometen actos que mueven montañas
como la lluvia y su eroción
parten corazones como alborotes sísmicos
y llenan de fango los ojos de los pobres

el amparo de la noche no duro mucho
y efímero fue el sueño de la ciudad
me despedi de la noche con tristeza
y la solte de mis garras melancolicas.
Ella y yo nuevamente separados
por escape corrosivo, hubris, y crueldad.


pls no bully
>>
Uno un poco largo
http://pastebin.com/qmu519yC
y un intento de micro relato, que no es para nada lo mío
http://pastebin.com/6ZbKyvhT

en algún punto del día hago la ronda y les leo las cosas
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>>7559584
thats cute hibari
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>>7558719
linda aliteración, Borges escribió bastante sobre el uso de ese recurso en la poesía alemana.

>>7558730
medio basicón en terminos de tema, melodramático sin impacto real. no hay nada que resalte. podrías arriezgar un poco más las rimas, además, es tan evidente la rima en castellano que muchas cosas suenan demasiado facilistas.

en un epoca posteaba una española que te daba ganas de cortarte las venas lo que escribía, una genia. espero que no haya seguido esa ruta.

>>7559535
Me gusta la busqueda de tono entre letrado y cotidiano, aunque siento que te vendría bien un poquito más de métrica en general. No digo que lo hagas cuadrado si no querés, pero los ritmos no siempre están jugando a tu favor ahora mismo. Algunas de las comparaciones funcionarían mejor como metáfora, confiá más en el lector.

No me parece una pieza maravillosa pero leería más si fuera parte de una colección. Por ahora no compraría, sin embargo.
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>>7559592
I do what I can, anon
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Bien, niños, dijo J cuando cesó el chirrido monolítico del timbre que había interrumpido su explicación de la batalla de Gettysburg, ya sabéis lo que hay que hacer. Raymond, Hank y David, ayudadme a correr las cortinas y cerrar bien las ventanas. Boyle, cierra la puerta y no te olvides de colocar el pestillo. Muy bien. Así se hace, muchachos. Ahora, todo el mundo debajo de su pupitre. Uno en cada pupitre, no quiero parejas. Bien, ya sabéis, arrodillaos, poned las manos en la nuca y clavad la frente en el suelo. Bien. No levantéis la cabeza bajo ninguna circunstancia. Ahora me voy a colocar yo debajo de mi mesa y no vamos a movernos hasta que vuelva a sonar el timbre o, ya sabéis, en el caso de que hubiera un ataque nuclear, hasta que el hombre de Defensa Civil venga. Vamos, no os riais, menos bromas. Bien, ahora estad callados hasta que vuelva a sonar el timbre.
Mientras J esperaba a que, de nuevo, el sonido del timbre interrumpiese el estado de las cosas y el silencio cesase, dando paso a las chanzas de los muchachos que él acallaría con el tono nasal y monocorde que su temperamento retraído hacía que se sintiese forzado a adoptar para impartir las clases, sintió un pinchazo en el pecho. Le asaltó una súbita angustia; la achacó al enclaustramiento que sentía en aquella incómoda posición debajo de la mesa. Era un hombre joven y nunca había sentido ningún malestar físico durante los ejercicios de simulacro, pero quién sabe; quizás había desayunado mal, o demasiado pesado. Comenzó a sentir cierto sofoco y se percató de una humedad pegajosa que mojaba sus axilas, sus piernas y su frente. Tenía la boca seca; intentó salivar. Reprimió sus ganas de abanicarse o quitarse la chaqueta, obligándose a esperar hasta que terminara el simulacro por si los niños interpretaban aquel gesto como una irreverencia al protocolo por su parte que los legitimara a despreciar el rigor del mismo. Las gafas, que le estaban algo holgadas y llevaban unos segundos deslizándose por la curva de su nariz a causa del sudor que ya bañaba su cara, cayeron finalmente al suelo. El dolor en el pecho no remitía. Sin atreverse a levantar la mirada del suelo, contemplando sus gafas caídas, J se sorprendió rezando por que el timbre sonara pronto.
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>>7559632
>>7559535
>confia más en el lector

no es mi culpa, todos son tontos menos yo.
>>
Escribí esto en la secundaria, lo intenté acomoda un poco hace unos meses.

http://pastebin.com/0KA8hXEE
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>>7558719
Verga
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>>7559584
Ahora mismo estoy con el móvil y es bastante incómodo leer pastebin, así que intentaré acordarme mañana de leer el relato más largo. El microrrelato puede funcionar bien como planteamiento de algo más largo que tratara la relación entre la mujer y el escritor desu. Podría ser contado de forma más o menos distanciada o desde el punto de vista de la mujer, que se puede escribir como un personaje enloquecido y obsesionado. ¿Has leído a Bernhard? Me imagino algo así. Su obsesión/idealización/identificación de su marido con su obra (que podría versar sobre un tema que tocara particularmente a la mujer), de todas formas, no tiene por qué ser tan escandalosa como en los personajes de Bernhard. Si no lo has leído, te aconsejo echar un ojo a las primeras páginas de alguna de sus novelas o relatos cortos. Igual te dan ideas.
>>
I know hispachan is shit, but it is literally an entire bank of boards for Spanish.

4chan is English-speaking, so everyone here does that.
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>>7559746
they don't have a /lit/ board. just hide it if it affects you that much.
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>>7559756
Yeah, they do. It's the arts and sciences board.
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>>7559763
Not comparable. All they talk is redditcore shit. And there are not so many spanish speaker litizens as in here tho.
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>>7559774
Olvídalo. Acabo de fijarme que se borraron /ch/. La única parte buena de hispachan, wow.

Continúen.
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>>7559803
Sí, señor. No dude en participar si lo tiene usted a bien.
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>>7558375
People, post your texts in Spanish, but keep the in-thread talk and critique in English, that's why foreign language threads keep getting closed all the time.

Here go my critiques, take'em or leave them, do as you may:


>>7558730

As everyone else said, the language comes across as basic (and not in a good way), and the content feels insincere because of it. Wish I could help in some way, but can't see how.

>>7559535

>rendezvous
Sounds out of place and pretentious

>un borracho navegaba el Getsemaní laberíntico
>apoyándose de las placas de bronce verde y tibio
>su vision de túnel, ignorante a nuestra aventura.
Really liked that though

There are a couple of typos, use the autocorrect function.
Not my type, but it's good.
I agree with
>>7559632
an extra bit of abstraction on the metaphorical side could work, why not experiment with it?


>>7559584

I
First paragraph is really good, a fantastic mood-setter.

And that's pretty much all I found that was worth the time it took to read.
The story reads like a tale Elsa Bornemann might have written, and the style in its simpleness works great for it.
Your writing though... There are several typos, and misplaced or missing commas/punctuation. You actually changed the name from Alberto to Abelardo at one point, and this sentence:
>Eventualmente una familia llevó hijos en el momento justo de desesperada libertad que no pudieron evitar recorrer la casa.
though I understand what you mean –given the context–, it makes no sense.
You don't seem to put much thought into the parts that surround the nucleus of the story, and it shows. Don't be so neglectful.

II
>Trabaja en lo que él llama ensayos, obras completas que tira antes que exibir porque son ensayos.
Redundant.
The content is good, but the writing feels torpid, it's lacking fluidity.


>>7559703

Pretty good mate, I really liked it.
There are two run-on sentences (namely, the first of each paragraph) that could use some reworking, the phrasing is kind of awkward, but nothing catastrophic.

>>7559720

The imagery and writing are just about as clumsy as one would expect from a high schooler. To be honest, I would throw it away, and either write it back, or simply focus on something else.

______


Here are two poems of mine. The first I've posted before a long time ago, and it has seen quite a bit of reworking since, so it wouldn't do wrong to get it looked again.

http://pastebin.com/vWenzvLY

http://pastebin.com/EEfE6wV7

The parts in brackets are placeholders to cue an impression of meaning until I can find the correct words or sounds.
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>>7560221
>The imagery and writing are just about as clumsy as one would expect from a high schooler. To be honest, I would throw it away, and either write it back, or simply focus on something else.
yeah, I assumed that but didn't want to just trash it inmediately
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>>7560221
>Pretty good mate, I really liked it.
There are two run-on sentences (namely, the first of each paragraph) that could use some reworking, the phrasing is kind of awkward, but nothing catastrophic.

Yeah, been told about that by other people. That long, sometimes awkward sentences are kin of a vice of mine desu. Guess I can work on making that stuff comprehensible without makinh it "shorter".
Thanx for your compliments tho mate. Started writing seriously four months ago or so and this shit motivates me. I'll read your poems tomorrow, although I ain't got much knowledge on poetry.
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>>7560334
>are kin
Goddamned cellphone keyboard
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>>7558730
too pompous for my taste
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>>7560221
>People, post your texts in Spanish, but keep the in-thread talk and critique in English, that's why foreign language threads keep getting closed all the time.

Ok, We will do it, unfortunately hispachan is shit.
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>>7560334
Perhaps you needn't make them shorter. It's not the lenght that makes them confusing, but the amount of ideas and descriptions crammed into a single sentence without caesuras in between them. The problem in both cases, is that you start an idea, interrupt it with another, and by the time you're done with it and pick up again the first, the original has lost its immediate significance in the mind of the reader, forcing one to go back to see what was being talked about. Maybe simply rearranging them will suffice.
>>
Me gusta libros de gatos en pantalones.
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>>7559632
>>7560221
Gracias (that means "thank you very much")
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>>7560221
First of all thanks for reading and all that, people who take their time to read and comment are the whole point of this threads.
>I
>First paragraph is really good, a fantastic mood-setter. And that's pretty much all I found that was worth the time it took to read.
I get it, I started with a clear begining and after that I was stumbling to give it a point.
>Your writing though... There are several typos, and misplaced or missing commas/punctuation. You actually changed the name from Alberto to Abelardo at one point, and this sentence:
I may have possibly pasted an initial version of the file. Or I never saved the basic edits. In any case I'm sorry for making you read that.

>You don't seem to put much thought into the parts that surround the nucleus of the story, and it shows. Don't be so neglectful.
Yes, sir!

>II
>Redundant.
It was meant to be tautological, I guess it's not a good idea when limiting the words

>It's lacking fluidity.
I'll work on that.
>>
alguien sabe cual es la mejor edicion de los Hermanos Karamazov en español?
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>>7561081

No creo que cambie mucho o si? Cualquiera deberia de estar bien en mi mas humilde opinion camarada.
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Anybody here would like to give me a critique on a small essay I did?

Recently started writting again after 5 years and I am just practicing on writting whatever I want to say.

So anything is good, just no bully p-pls. Its, obviously, in spanish.
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>>7561303
Go on anon, go on.....
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>>7561303
Sure, I'll read it. Post it, I promise I'll be gentle.

>>7561289
The work of a good translator requires just as much knowledge and talent as that of a writer, so no, it isn't that simple.
I wager you haven't found yourself so far with bad translations, or either never cared to do a comparison, but believe me when I say there's some horrific shit out there.
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>>7561319

Hay cosas terribles, si, pero te puedo apostar que es raro ahora. Cualquier libro que te compres en alguna de esas librerias que abundan ahora, Ghandi (Mexico) por ejemplo, de los editoriales comunes (Planeta, Porrua) tendran una muy buena traduccion.

Ahora, si nos vamos a poner exigentes, mejor aprender ruso y leernos Crimen y Castigo de la manera en que fue escrita... IMHO
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>>7561319
>The work of a good translator requires just as much knowledge and talent as that of a writer, so no, it isn't that simple.

I wish more people understood that.
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>>7561326
You can't even imagined it. I once compared my copy of In The Heart of Darkness to a pdf in english and it was a disaster, to the point they even changed punctuation and added exclamation points.
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>>7561326
Again, it depends. Most translations I keep seeing are pretty poor, it took me a while to find a good one for a P. K. Dick book I wanted to gift to my father, and he isn't a particularly difficult writer to translate.

A good way to check this is picking a book on your mother tongue you know by heart, and checking the translations into other languages. I've read some stuff that couldn't be considered any other thing than a defilement of the original.

As an addendum to the Karamazov's issue, I'd say it isn't _that_ important in that case, since Dostoievsky's a shit writer anyways, but I'd still try to make sure I'm buying something translated by someone who knows his shit.
Afraid I can't help you there though, anon (to the one asking). Russian is usually better translated into English than Spanish, because there simply happen to be better people at doing the job in the English market. The only writer I've seen whose translations I preferred in Spanish so far was Korolenko.
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>>7561356

How is Dostoievsky a shit writer. Crime and Punishment is a great book.

Last couple of chapters are written beautifully.
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>>7561356
I can't find the article right now, but one time El País published an article from The New Yorker where they had translated El Golem by Borges. Instead of looking for the original poem they decided to retranslate it. It was worse than anything google translate could do. But fuck El País anyway.
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>>7561356
I feel that there's something very wrong in reading stuff translated to english, from any language, rather than my own even if the translators are generally better. It feels like playing telephone.
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>>7561373
>they decided to retranslate it
que gente idiota
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>>7561387
y bueno, son gallegos vistes?
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>>7561373
Please tell me that's not true.
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>>7561326
>(Planeta, Porrua)
>buenas
tambien lees anagrama, verdad?
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>>7561303

Bueno he aqui.

Lo copie directamente de la libreta en que lo escribi.

Critiquenme y enseñense a ser un mejor ensayista, por favor.

http://pastebin.com/qRjr35iR
>>
>>7561399
I guess you're free to not believe me. A literary magazine called Ñ had an article about it, but their archive isn't great.
>>
>>7561411

No tienen nada de malo, tranquilizate.
>>
>>7561289
la mayoria de las ediciones tienen muy pocas paginas para lo que es el libro, hay mucha censura y whatnot

la de catedra parece la mejor pero es costosa
>>
>>7561413

Esta de mas decir que si de plano les aburre, les parece tonto y no se sometieron a leerlo o no quisieron, haganmelo saber tambien.

Gracias.
>>
>>7561356
Let me correct myself at one thing:
The main cause of this problem, as usual –and shamefully–, is money. It's not always that the person doing the translation is a brute, but many times they find themselves having to pick a shitload of work with little to no time to put into each piece in order to make a living. And naturally, when one rushes these kind of jobs, the results are the ones we end up seeing.
I once translated a poem (merely as an exercise) by Mallarmé, and it took me nearly a month before I reached a state I felt satisfied with. If I were to charge by the amount of hours of work I put into it, the prices of the publications would be prohibitive, so in a way, I can understand the reasons we end up with such poor translations, but it's still a shame.

>>7561362
He's pretty basic, his metaphors are poor at best, and he tends to overdraw his monologues and themes in such a manneristic manner to the point were they lose their impact.
It's just an opinion, I'm not saying he didn't do have some good stuff, and even brilliant moments, but if anything, I've happened to find that his stories tend to take their relevance due to the human issues presented in them rather than the way they're presented.

>>7561380
Well, of course, but as the other anon said, sometimes you just don't know the idiom and have to deal with it however you may.
I aim to learn at least seven languages in my lifetime, knowing it is doable; more would be better of course, but I don't think I'll manage. That means that some will have to be left aside, and as much as I'd love to read the Bible in its original languages, many of them lack any other practical application, so I'll just have to trust the translators on that one.
>>
>>7561356
>Russian is usually better translated into English than Spanish, because there simply happen to be better people at doing the job

ojo, tambien depende mucho de los idiomas, la forma de conjugar, los pronombres personales, etc. el aleman y el frances son mucho mas similares al español en ese sentido que al ingles, el ruso no tengo idea though
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>>7561438
Não acredito nisso, acredito sinceramente que alemão tem muito mais coisa perto de inglês do que português. E eu imagino que Espanhol também por que as duas línguas são literalmente a mesma coisa lel

Se for de romance para romance eu até concordo, mas entre germânicos, germânicos se entendem.
>>
>>7561438
>>7561444
we had agreed to write in english to not get unwanted attention
>>
>>7561453

Ustedes, yo no.
>>
>>7561453
Sorry.
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>>7561453
>3 languages in the same thread
>everyone understands each other
come on man, this is great
>>
>>7561413
What's the point of the essay? It felt a bit masturbative to be honest. You tend to fall into the generalizations you're condemning, and overall it doesn't seem to go anywhere, it reads more like a facebook post about what you're currently thinking than anything else.

Not bullying I swear, I just fail to see the point of it.

>>7561444
Absolutely agree.

French is a weird beast though. I'd say it's better translated into English, if anything because it's more flexible than Spanish, and there are more phonemes to try to emulate the colours of the language.

>>7561453
Yeah, please try to abide to this so we don't end up with a closed thread.

Also, remember people, it's nice to get critiqued, but you should try to critique the others as well, it's a communitarian effort to get the best out of everyone.
>>
>>7561469
it's not when we get spammed with angry gringos
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>>7561475
>English, if anything because it's more flexible than Spanish

Tu loco, negro.
>>
>>7561444
Sorry for the offtopic, but I had to point it out.
Damn, what a beautiful language Portuguese is, it's so melodic.
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>>7561475
i've been learning french and is really similar to spanish imo, they have adjectives in feminin and masculin as opposed to the gender neutrality in english so it's been pretty easy so far

the problem with french is... to speak it, fuck that
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>>7561475

Se supone que el ensayo debia de hablar del tipo de personas que persiguen a los demas, en este caso, por creer.

Hablo sobre la manera en que le encanta a uno forzar su critica a los ojos del otro.

Si bien yo tambien critico, esto es mas como un acuerdo mutuo, lo mio esta expuesto y, por lo tanto, es la decision de uno si lo deja entrar o no.

Trataba de hacer una apologia en contra del Ateismo poniendolo como una moda y nada mas.

Le hace falta mucho trabajo para que sea eso.

Las otras partes sobre mi estan solamente para establecer que se de lo que hablo y que, como otros, tambien pase por lo mismo. Crei necesario exponerlo para evitar contrariedades.
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>>7561502

Otra cosa que se suponia debia de haber escrito, era hacerca de los Metodos que le conciernen al Pensamiento, algo que hice brevemente pero falto ahondar; con esto pretendia a dar a entender como la Religion es de igual importancia (como dije al final) y concierne al Alma, en contraste con la contraparte logica y empirica que se ha hecho tan popular.
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>>7561500
Well, of course, but therein lies the beauty of French! That's precisely why I say English accommodates better to it on translation.

>>7561502
It's ambitious, but it falls flat by it's own weight: the themes come across as underdeveloped.
It's not like it hasn't been explored already also, have you read any near-contemporary philosophers? I'm not saying that one should limit oneself to write only about stuff that has never been said before, but you're dwelling superficially on something that has been examined in much more profundity by other thinkers.

It gives me the vibe that you're just bashing on fedora tippers and humble bragging about being over that yourself. I know it's most likely not your intention, but it's what I'm getting from the reading.
>>
>>7561502
>Crei necesario exponerlo para evitar contrariedades.

This kind of makes it sound like exactly what you are criticizing in this text. Maybe not the namedropping without context and the trendy aspect of this atheism you are describing, but the fact that first I get the idea of some Laisses Fairez ideal on belief vs method, and then you propose your own system as the best one at the end.

Again, I really like it how the structure is, it's only the ... prescriptivist-like ending that bothers me.

About grammar and orthography and what have I have no idea hue.

>>7561490
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xvYqZ-xy_CE
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>>7561522

>It's not like it hasn't been explored already

Por su puesto que otros filosofos ya lo han hecho antes, seria algo extraño detenerse a escribir un articulo de esta naturaleza pensando que no se ha discutido ya en cientos de años de apologia.

Prefiero llegar a esos mismos pensamientos por mi cuenta, en vez de tener que leerlos. Es el camino lo que importa, no el resultado.

Cuando uno se empapa de ese resultado hay satisfaccion, cuando uno llega por sus propios medios, en mi opinion, es un goze sin igual.

No hablo con muchas personas, la verdad es que no hablo con nadie, asi que expresarme sobre estas cosas no es nada mas que una necesidad propia que se ha vuelto casi corporal. No decir las cosas me duele, asi que por eso las escribo, pero quisiera escribirlas mejor, eso si. Mucho mejor.

>It gives me the vibe that you're just bashing on fedora tippers

Pues si, eso es a grandes razgos el Ateismo de hoy.

>humble bragging about being over that yourself.

Mas bien queria ponerme en una posicion mas personal con el que lee, de tal manera de hacerle saber que estoy al tanto de mi propia naturaleza y que de eso mismo saco como resultado mis observaciones en el articulo.

No era nada mas que un intento de ponerme en terminos de ''Tu'' con el lector.

Siento que cuando escribo de la otra manera, de una manera mas personal, parece como si escribiera un libro de texto, menos colorido y mas hostil.

>has been examined in much more profundity by other thinkers.

Bueno, no podria llegar a esa misma profundidad en un solo articulo, tomaria mucho mas tiempo para reflexionar.
>>
>>7561533

Bueno de ninguna manera quise exponer un ''Metodo'' superior, solo intentaba decir como la religion cae en esos terminos y, por lo tanto, es una manera de llegar al Alma.

Todo esto parte de algo que escribi previamente acerca de la dualidad y rechazo mutuo que existe entre el cuerpo y el alma. Explicando como no hay tal cosa como un equilibrio y, a falta de estos Metodos de los que hablamos, tiende a irse a los extremos naturales ya descubiertos por si misma (como lo dijo Socrates)

En pocas palabras, para educar al Alma hay que hablar en terminos que el Alma entienda. Las palabras no son una manera. Ni ningun metodo fisico.

En mi opinion, o al menos hasta lo que llevo pensado (que igual ya lo pensaron otros pero eso no importa), solo un amplio sistema de creencias dan esta tranquilidad que se busca.
>>
>>7561536

>mas personal

Quise decir ''menos personal''
>>
Creo que se murio la conversacion.

Bueno...
>>
Guess yall from Argentina, aight?
>>
¿Alguien conoce una edición decente de Guerra y paz?
Sólo he visto la de Penguin y dicen que es de la versión no final y que la traducción es mala.
También leí que la del Aleph es buena pero es aparentemente imposible de conseguir.
>>
>>7562195
Esto es un hilo de crítica, parce. Puede preguntar eso en otro hilo.
>>
>>7559703
Any other critic, hispanons?
>>
>>7562271
>parce
Colombian fag detected
>>
>>7561617
Or everyone went to sleep. I stayed that late because I was doing some work, but could barely keep my lids up by that point.

>>7561536
>Prefiero llegar a esos mismos pensamientos por mi cuenta, en vez de tener que leerlos. Es el camino lo que importa, no el resultado.
Corinthians 4:7

>Siento que cuando escribo de la otra manera, de una manera mas personal, parece como si escribiera un libro de texto, menos colorido y mas hostil.
Granted, it's just a matter of taste there. I hate when the writer tries to take a friendly and informal stance, it never works well with me. Suárez-Urtubey tends to do that a lot, and her books are always on the curriculum of my career, I can't stand it.
Unsurprisingly, my favourite chapter on Ulysses is Ithaca.
You're not doing bad at the style though, but I feel the wording and phrasing need some revision.

>Bueno, no podria llegar a esa misma profundidad en un solo articulo, tomaria mucho mas tiempo para reflexionar.
Why offer something half-baked then? Specially in the field of philosophy, and with you already knowing it's lacking development.
Again, the problem I find, is like the other anon pointed out, that you're falling into traps made by your own redundancies:

>disgusto respecto a la gente que clasifica a los otros respecto a sus propias generalizaciones.
>Los hombres somos metódicos y por ello para todo
>Se nos ha dado a todos por adoptar esta política de contrariar

You're constantly telling us not to preach while doing it.

>Había en mi un sentimiento de superioridad intelectual que predominaba sobre todas las cosas.
You're bashing fedora tippers but then take a similar stance on religion and spirituality, trying to cram it down our throats without any real explanation to show for it.


>Es un método de vida, penitencia y castigo.
Why penitence and punishment? Not al religions abide by this. Again, generalizing.

>Su propósito
How can I accept claims like this when you're not showing what sort of thought-process led you to such a bold statement?

>Dejar a un lado lo que es parte primordial del Ser dará su lugar a un desastroso materialismo y corporativismo (entre otros ismos).
Acording to who?

>>7561536
>No hablo con muchas personas, la verdad es que no hablo con nadie
There's no way of saying it without sounding overtly agressive, which believe me, isn't my intention, but you're too self-absorbed, that's the main issue I'm finding with your essay. It reads like it was written by someone just to congratulate himself for his own thoughts without any real self-criticism applied to it, and that's why the exposed themes and theories crumble under their own weight.

>>7561813
I spotted a couple of Colombians, and there's that Brazilian too.

>>7561533
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UhCz_bsNHoc
>>
>>7560221
Your poems are real fine mane. Dunno how it is in Argentina, but in Spain the word "lontananza" may sound kinda cliche. Other than that, I liked them although I didn't read much poetry.
>>
>>7563006
Please don't put paisas on the same level as colombians.
>>
>>7563163

Perfecto. En base a estas criticas hare un mejor ensayo y si hay on thread the estos en los proximos dias lo compartire nuevamente.

De antemano les agradezco a todos los que me ofrecieron su opinion.
>>
>>7558719
Chota
>>
>>7558719
Mondá
>>
>>7561455
faggot
>>
Here goes another one. All critiques are welcome.
http://pastebin.com/g43Pidin
>>
>>7563633
Thanks, that's an interesting observation. I've yet to change the two verses before and the other half of that one, so perhaps that will lead me to a change of words there too.

>>7563772
Pija

>>7563873
Top notch shit, nothing to critique from my part here. Really enjoyed reading it, post more if you've got.
>>
>>7564109
>Top notch shit, nothing to critique from my part here. Really enjoyed reading it, post more if you've got.
Damn, son, thx again (I'm the same dude who posted the nuclear attack simulation story).
Hard to believe you didn't see nothing to critique tho; right now I can see some erratas in the pastebin text.
Dunno if I will post my shit somewhere, heard it ain't the best thing to do if you midly trust in getting published sometime. Anyway, if I finally do it I will say it on this board mane.
>>
>>7564310
There were some minor mistakes (spelling mostly that I recall now), but nothing that felt worth pointing out.

Best of lucks on getting published then! You have some good material on your hands.
Indeed, make sure to let us know when you do (and please get a digital release as well).
>>
File: rust.jpg (22 KB, 460x276) Image search: [iqdb] [SauceNao] [Google]
rust.jpg
22 KB, 460x276
Somebody that would like to give me some criticism on this short intro to... whatever it is?

http://pastebin.com/3ajCsXVz
>>
>>7565234
>bien encerado he iluminado
Dropped.
>>
>>7565288

Why :(
>>
>>7565288

Its my first time man, come on just tell me how to make something better then.
>>
>>7561418
Unfortunately they believe the memes.
>>
>>7565234
Read more mane. Some expressions, sentences and words just look like they're here just because you wanted it to sound cool instead of focusing on telling fine the story.
>No olvidaría el sonido de los pasos de aquellos guardias del edificio de detención o que la luz en aquel lugar lo tornaba inexplicablemente frio y hostil
That's an example imo. Why "no olvidaría"? I wouldn't say that if you ain't gonna put any reference to a present time when he remembers that situation of being carried by 2 guards. Sentences like "el sol brillaba por su ausencia" look like you try to make a wordplay but it doesn't really work, it still sound cliche.
It's like you should focus more on what the character feels (cuz, for what I can read, the story is gonna be focused only on that single character -I obviously don't say this as something bad-) than in building distant fine prose.
>>
>>7558719
>>7564109
Garompa
>>
>>7565308

The "he" (with the H) comes from "haber". The one that replaces the "y" is (the one without the H) the "e".
>>
>>7558375
Here I go:
http://pastebin.com/VfsywQWB

Is it confusing? There are parts where I think it is, but I asked a friend of mine to read it and he told me he didn't think so.
>>
>>7567087
Critique and you'll get critiques
>>
>>7563676
I'm paisa and I find this offensive
>>
>>7567548
I would find offensive to be paisa too.
>>
El bumpo


>>7561536
>Es el camino lo que importa, no el resultado.
For you maybe, but the audience won't care about the dumb version of a better text. And the travel you take is less interesting than the one greater authors take anyway,
>>
I wrote this while in 15 min while listening to vaporwave. It's a first draft and I think it will stay like that, because I can't think of anything I can get from it.

Trimalción campaba por la estancia de baldosas negras y blancas pagado de sí mismo, satisfecho, emitiendo risas y bromas que denotaban una completa y satisfecha saciedad; transitaba por el salón a paso lento, asemejándose a un cirrocúmulo, orbitado por una cohorte de invitados que se desgajaban en halagos: las mujeres más atractivas emitían risas melodiosas y pugnaban por ser el objetivo de la próxima mirada de Trimalción. Las burbujas del champán recorrían toda la sala, mientras yo, sentado en una silla rococó en un estado similar al de la duermevela, contemplaba la triunfal marcha de Trimalción sobre sus dominios. La banda que había amenizado la cena con piezas de música ligera llegaba ahora a mis oídos como una hipnótica letanía, un zumbido constante y ensordecedor en nada semejante a la música, de efecto infinitamente más embriagador. Unos doscientos bustos griegos idénticos entre sí decoraban el salón, y sus rostros, con la expresión de un éxtasis lánguido, resplandecían en un fulgor rosado. Vi flotar caracteres de lenguas desconocidas, semejantes a los kanjis japoneses, entre la atmósfera efervescente del champán que inundaba la sala. Trimalción y su séquito pasaron junto a mí, y me vi pronto incorporado al grupo, deleitándome con el discurso de nuestro anfitrión, pronunciado en tono ensordecedor y atonal pero en verdad agradable al oído. Reía junto a los otros invitados. Poco a poco, me sentí cada vez más desligado de aquel embeleso hasta caer dormido. Recordé todo esto mientras esperaba al autobús.
>>
>>7565234

It's way too basic.

>por las bombillas de luz blanca en el techo.
Unless the lamplights are somewhere else than the roof, it's a pointless clarification, everybody assumes that's where they are already.

>impaciencia
>letargo
I find it hard to feel impatient when you're also lethargic, those two feelings are kind of contradictory

>pasito a pasito seguía adelante.
This simply sounds stupid. Besides you've already stablished the character is moving towards the door, and if you're doing this as an effect to invoke a feeling of tedium, anxiety, or whatever, it's not really working.

>Lo asediaba
The imagery in the whole paragraph simply doesn't work at conveying the sickly mien you're attempting to.

> aquel día el sol brillaba por su ausencia.
Corny as hell.

There's not really a point in continuing with the rest. Overall, this reads like it was written by someone who reads little if nothing at all (I've already come across this several times, that's why I'm making the generalization). The imagery and metaphors are trite, the wording is awkward and innacurate. All I can say is: read more; and if you already do read a lot, pay more attention to the how in the inner workings of the prose and the devices used to portray different situations of other authors to form a better criterion.

>>7567092
This. Stop demanding without contributing.
>>
>>7565234
>el sol brillaba por su ausencia
Ahh, no, sos re vivo.
Thread replies: 106
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