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A professor stood before his philosophy class...
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You are currently reading a thread in /lit/ - Literature

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A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was...
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They agreed it was...
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full.
The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'
The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laughed...
'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.

The sand is everything else---the small stuff.
'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Spend time with your children.
Spend time with your parents.
Visit with grandparents.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your spouse out to dinner.
Play another 18...
There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.
Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter.
Set your priorities.
The rest is just sand.
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented.
The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.'
The beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers with a friend.
>>
A young Canadian soldier was attending some college courses between assignments. He had also just completed a mission in Afghanistan.

One of the courses had a professor who was a vowed atheist. One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, 'God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes.'

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am God. I'm still waiting.'


It got down to the last couple of minutes when the young soldier got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The young man went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the soldier and asked, 'What the hell is the matter with! YOU? Why did you do that?'

Came the reply, 'God was too busy today protecting our soldiers who are protecting your right to talk stupid and act like an idiot. So......He sent me.'
>>
Gee thanks for forwarding this email my way Grandpa!
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>>6021006
>>6020970
the boy's name...?
...albert einstein.
>>
The professor of a university challenged his students with this question. "Did God create everything that exists?" A student answered bravely, "Yes, he did".

The professor then asked, "If God created everything, then he created evil. Since evil exists (as noticed by our own actions), so God is evil. The student couldn't respond to that statement causing the professor to conclude that he had "proved" that "belief in God" was a fairy tale, and therefore worthless.

Another student raised his hand and asked the professor, "May I pose a question? " "Of course" answered the professor.

The young student stood up and asked : "Professor does Cold exists?"

The professor answered, "What kind of question is that? ...Of course the cold exists... haven't you ever been cold?"

The young student answered, "In fact sir, Cold does not exist. According to the laws of Physics, what we consider cold, in fact is the absence of heat. Anything is able to be studied as long as it transmits energy (heat). Absolute Zero is the total absence of heat, but cold does not exist. What we have done is create a term to describe how we feel if we don't have body heat or we are not hot."

"And, does Dark exist?", he continued. The professor answered "Of course". This time the student responded, "Again you're wrong, Sir. Darkness does not exist either. Darkness is in fact simply the absence of light. Light can be studied, darkness can not. Darkness cannot be broken down. A simple ray of light tears the darkness and illuminates the surface where the light beam finishes. Dark is a term that we humans have created to describe what happens when there's lack of light."

Finally, the student asked the professor, "Sir, does evil exist?" The professor replied, "Of course it exists, as I mentioned at the beginning, we see violations, crimes and violence anywhere in the world, and those things are evil."

The student responded, "Sir, Evil does not exist. Just as in the previous cases, Evil is a term which man has created to describe the result of the absence of God's presence in the hearts of man."

After this, the professor bowed down his head, and didn't answer back.

The young man's name was ALBERT EINSTEIN.
>>
Are these supposed to be funny?
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A story is told about a soldier who was finally coming home after having fought in Vietnam. He called his parents from San Francisco. “Mom and Dad, I’m coming home, but I’ve a favor to ask. I have a friend I’d like to bring home with me. “Sure,” they replied, “we’d love to meet him.”
“There’s something you should know,” the son continued, “he was hurt pretty badly in the fighting. He stepped on a land mind and lost an arm and a leg. He has nowhere else to go, and I want him to come live with us.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, son. Maybe we can help him find somewhere to live.”
“No, Mom and Dad, I want him to live with us.”
“Son,” said the father, “you don’t know what you’re asking. Someone with such a handicap would be a terrible burden on us. We have our own lives to live, and we can’t let something like this interfere with our lives. I think you should just come home and forget about this guy. He’ll find a way to live on his own.”
At that point, the son hung up the phone. The parents heard nothing more from him. A few days later, however, they received a call from the San Francisco police. Their son had died after falling from a building, they were told. The police believed it was suicide.
The grief-stricken parents flew to San Francisco and were taken to the city morgue to identify the body of their son. They recognized him, but to their horror they also discovered something they didn’t know, their son had only one arm and one leg.
>>
>>6021032
Moral: The parents in this story are like many of us. We find it easy to love those who are good-looking or fun to have around, but we don’t like people who inconvenience us or make us feel uncomfortable. We would rather stay away from people who aren’t as healthy, beautiful, or smart as we are. Thankfully, there’s someone who won’t treat us that way. Someone who loves us with an unconditional love that welcomes us into the forever family, regardless of how messed up we are. Tonight, before you tuck yourself in for the night, say a little prayer that God will give you the strength you need to accept people as they are, and to help us all be more understanding of those who are different from us!
>>
An old man was sitting on a bench in the park in New York City feeding bread to the birds, when a little boy walked by and looked at him for a while. He was confused and asked him, "Why do you throw the bread to the birds when you could eat it yourself?"

The old man stopped throwing the bread and looked at the boy for a while, astonished. "Why are you asking that, boy?" The boy answered, "I don't know. It's just because I'm curious." The old man replied, "Well, to be honest, I'm a monk. I'm not allowed to eat." The boy's eyes widened in wonder and he went home completely dumbfounded, his entire life and way of thinking changed by this short answer. Because he realized that the old man sitting on the bench was in fact his long-lost father.

CONCLUSION!!!!! always pray to God in times of need, because God is like the old man not allowed to eat who gives bread to the birds even though he cannot understand their pleasure, and you are like the unknowing child. Thank you for reading this and God bless!
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A young girl was walking along a beach upon which thousands of starfish had been washed up during a terrible storm. When she came to each starfish, she would pick it up, and throw it back into the ocean. People watched her with amusement.

She had been doing this for some time when a man approached her and said, “Little girl, why are you doing this? Look at this beach! You can’t save all these starfish. You can’t begin to make a difference!”
>>
>>6020970
And that philosophy professor's name was... Albert Einstein
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A liberal muslim homosexual ACLU lawyer professor and abortion doctor was teaching a class on Karl Marx, a known atheist
"Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Marx and accept that he was the most highly-evolved being the world has ever known, even greater than Jesus Christ!”
At this moment, a brave, patriotic, pro-life Navy SEAL champion who had served 1500 tours of duty and understood the necessity of war and fully supported all military decision made by the United States stood up and held up a rock.
”How old is this rock, pinhead?”
The arrogant professor smirked quite Jewishly and smugly replied “4.6 billion years, you stupid Christian”
”Wrong. It’s been 5,000 years since God created it. If it was 4.6 billion years old and evolution, as you say, is real… then it should be an animal now”
The professor was visibly shaken, and dropped his chalk and copy of Origin of the Species. He stormed out of the room crying those liberal crocodile tears. The same tears liberals cry for the “poor” (who today live in such luxury that most own refrigerators) when they jealously try to claw justly earned wealth from the deserving job creators. There is no doubt that at this point our professor, DeShawn Washington, wished he had pulled himself up by his bootstraps and become more than a sophist liberal professor. He wished so much that he had a gun to shoot himself from embarrassment, but he himself had petitioned against them!
The students applauded and all registered Republican that day and accepted Jesus as their lord and savior. An eagle named “Small Government” flew into the room and perched atop the American Flag and shed a tear on the chalk. The pledge of allegiance was read several times, and God himself showed up and enacted a flat tax rate across the country.
The professor lost his tenure and was fired the next day. He died of the gay plague AIDS and was tossed into the lake of fire for all eternity.
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I was at my favourite bakery after a long time. The smell of freshly baked breads, quiches and apple pie invaded my nostrils. I decided to check if anything new had been added to their usual spread. It was difficult to move forward because of the pressing sea of humanity. I somehow reached the counter and ordered what I wanted. The man there gave me the bill which I was supposed to pay at another counter. I could then collect my delicacies.

There was a long queue and I went and stood in line. An elderly gentleman was in front of me. I waited patiently behind him. When his turn came, he looked behind and seeing me said, "ladies first" with a smiling face. I told him it was alright, that I could wait, but he insisted saying that he was in no hurry. He said that all of us are always in such a rush that we forget to enjoy the little pleasures of life. I thanked him and moved forward.

I still remember this man who was a thorough gentleman.
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When the house lights dimmed and the concert was about to begin, the mother returned to her seat and discovered that the child was missing. Suddenly, the curtains parted and spotlights focused on the impressive Steinway on stage.

In horror, the mother saw her little boy sitting at the keyboard, innocently picking out "Twinkle,Twinkle Little Star." At that moment, the great piano master made his entrance, quickly moved to the piano, and whispered in the boy's ear, "Don't quit." "Keep playing."

Then, leaning over, Paderewski reached down with his left hand and began filling in a bass part. Soon his right arm reached around to the other side of the child, and he added a running obbligato.

Together, the old master and the young novice transformed what could have been a frightening situation into a wonderfully creative experience. The audience was so mesmerized that they couldn't recall what else the great master played. Only the classic, "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star."

Perhaps that's the way it is with God. What we can accomplish on our own is hardly noteworthy. We try our best, but the results aren't always graceful flowing music. However, with the hand of the Master, our life's work can truly be beautiful.

The next time you set out to accomplish great feats, listen carefully. You may hear the voice of the Master, whispering in your ear, "Don't quit." "Keep playing." May you feel His arms around you and know that His hands are there, helping you turn your feeble attempts into true masterpieces.

Remember, God doesn't seem to call the equipped, rather, He equips the 'called.' Everyone is called ... 2jesus
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A little boy wanted to meet God. He knew it was a long trip to where God lived, so he packed his suitcase with Twinkies and a six-pack of root beer and started his journey.

When he had gone about three blocks, he met an old man. He was sitting in the park just staring at some pigeons. The boy sat down next to him and opened his suitcase. He was about to take a drink from his root beer when he noticed that the old man looked hungry, so he offered him a Twinkie. He gratefully accepted it and smiled at him. His smile was so pleasant that the boy wanted to see it again, so he offered him a root beer. Again, he smiled at him. The boy was delighted! They sat there all afternoon eating and smiling, but they never said a word.

As it grew dark, the boy realized how tired he was and got up to leave, but before he had gone more than a few steps, he turned around, ran back to the old man and gave him a hug. He gave him his biggest smile ever.

When the boy opened the door to his own house a short time later, his mother was surprised by the look of joy on his face. She asked him, "What did you do today that made you so happy?" He replied, "I had lunch with God." And before his mother could respond, he added, "You know what? He's got the most beautiful smile I've ever seen."

Meanwhile, the old man, also radiant with joy, returned to his home. His son was stunned by the look of peace on his face and asked, "Dad, what did you do today that made you so happy?" He replied, "I ate Twinkies in the park with God." And before his son responded, he added, "You know, he's much younger than I expected."

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around. People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Embrace all equally.

Let people know how important they are. (Have lunch with God!)
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According to scientists, the bumblebee's body is too heavy and its wing span too small. Aerodynamically, the bumblebee cannot fly. But the bumblebee doesn't know that and it keeps flying.

When you don't know your limitations, you go out and surprise yourself. In hindsight, you wonder if you had any limitations. The only limitations a person has are those that are self-imposed. Don't let education put limitations on you.
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>>6021178
Did jesus use his magic to make them fly?
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A farmer had a dog who used to sit by the roadside waiting for vehicles to come around. As soon as one came he would run down the road, barking and trying to overtake it. One day a neighbor asked the farmer "Do you think your dog is ever going to catch a car?" The farmer replied, "That is not what bothers me. What bothers me is what he would do if he ever caught one." Many people in life behave like that dog who is pursuing meaningless goals.


Life is hard by the yard,
but by the inch,
it's a cinch.

--Gean Gordon
>>
Once upon a time two brothers who lived on adjoining farms fell into conflict. It was the first serious rift in 40 years of farming side by side, sharing machinery, and trading labor and goods as needed without a hitch.

Then the long collaboration fell apart. It began with a small misunderstanding and it grew into a major difference, and finally it exploded into an exchange of bitter words followed by weeks of silence.

One morning there was a knock on John's door. He opened it to find a man with a carpenter's toolbox. "I'm looking for a few days work," he said.

"Perhaps you would have a few small jobs here and there. Could I help you?"

"Yes," said the older brother. "I do have a job for you. Look across the creek at that farm. That's my neighbor, in fact, it's my younger brother. Last week there was a meadow between us and he took his bulldozer to the river levee and now there is a creek between us. Well, he may have done this to spite me, but I'll go him one better. See that pile of lumber curing by the barn? I want you to build me a fence - an 8-foot fence - so I won't need to see his place anymore. Cool him down, anyhow."

The carpenter said, "I think I understand the situation. Show me the nails and the post-hole digger and I'll be able to do a job that pleases you."

The older brother had to go to town for supplies, so he helped the carpenter get the materials ready and then he was off for the day.

The carpenter worked hard all that day measuring, sawing, nailing.

About sunset when the farmer returned, the carpenter had just finished his job. The farmer's eyes opened wide, his jaw dropped.

There was no fence there at all. It was a bridge... a bridge stretching from one side of the creek to the other! A fine piece of work handrails and all - and the neighbor, his younger brother, was coming across, his hand outstretched.

"You are quite a fellow to build this bridge after all I've said and done."

The two brothers stood at each end of the bridge, and then they met in the middle, taking each other's hand. They turned to see the carpenter hoist his toolbox on his shoulder. "No, wait! Stay a few days. I've a lot of other projects for you," said the older brother.

"I'd love to stay on," the carpenter said, "but, I have many more bridges to build."

The carpenters name?

Jesus Christ
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A demonologist transcended mongolist professor and Geist activist was teaching a class on Hegel, known necromancer.

"Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship the end of history and accept that Absolute Idealism is the most highly-evolved sophism to make us feel good about ourselves the continent has ever known, even greater than self-serving petit-bourgeois protestant theology!"

At this moment an uncaring if he was brave because being judged by illusionary social standards was of no importance to him, egoist, unique girl's school teacher who had smoked more than 15000 cigars in Hippel's winebar and understood the spookiness of all ideology and fully supported whatever he felt like stood up and held up "Der Einzige und sein Eigentum".

"I wrote this, innit?"

The arrogant professor smirked quite synthetically and smugly replied "It's not yours at all, fucking egoist, its the stern, reluctant working of reason towards the full realization of itself in perfect freedom."

"Wrong. It's been a few years or something (time is nothing to me) since I, the Unique One, created it. if it was not mine, and idealism, as you say, is not a spook... then Ghost Busters wouldn't have had a happy ending."

The professor was visibly shaken, and dropped his balls and copy of Plato's dialogues. He stormed out of the room crying those ironic thesis and antithesis tears, both coming together on his cheeks into synthesis. There is no doubt that at this point our professor, Hegel (who liked to teach about himself), wished he had pulled himself up by his bootstraps and become more than a spook ridden sad cunt interested in arbitrary justifications. He wished so much that he had some kind of Own to hold on to, and he had but just didn't realise it because he was an involuntary egoist.

The students applauded and all started milk shops that day and accepted their Self-Enjoyment as the end of philosophy. An eagle named "Union of Egoists" flew into the room and perched atop the copy of "Stirner's Critics" and shed a beer on the hardcover. "Ich hab' Mein Sach' auf Nichts gestell" was said several times, and Renzo Novatore himself showed up and demonstrated how hand grenades are nothing but a means of killing police officers.

The professor lost his tenure and was fired the next day. He died of superstition and his "books" were disregarded for all eternity.
>>
Imagine there is a bank, which credits your account each morning with Rs 86,400, carries over no balance from day to day, allows you to keep no cash balance, and every evening cancels whatever part of the amount you had failed to use during the day. What would you do? Draw out every pence, of course!
Well, everyone has such a bank. Its name is Time.
Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to good purpose. It carries over no balance. It allows no overdraft. Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the records of the day. If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours.
There is no going back. There is no drawing against the "tomorrow."
Therefore, there is never not enough time or too much time. Time management is decided by us alone and nobody else. It is never the case of us not having enough time to do things, but the case of whether we want to do it.
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>>6021372
breh :(
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>>6021161
this has a bad message behind it. why aspire to be the child who needs help? why not aspire to be the master who helps others? this is some jesus take the wheel shit.
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>>6021032
This one was actually pretty nice
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A group of frogs was traveling through the woods, and two of them fell into a deep pit.

All the other frogs gathered around the pit. When they saw how deep the pit was, they told the two frogs that they were as good as dead.

The two frogs ignored the comments and tried to jump out of the pit with all of their might.

The other frogs kept telling them to stop, that they were as good as dead.

Finally, one of the frogs took heed to what the other frogs were saying and gave up. He fell down and died.

The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Once again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die.

He jumped even harder and finally made it out. When he got out, the other frogs said, "Did you not hear us?"

The frog explained to them that he was deaf. He thought they were encouraging him the entire time.
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>>6021390
wow, this is trippy. you start picturing every week you can remember looking at each box.
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A college professor was addressing his history class. He began his lecture by saying, “Let’s get one thing straight: God is not real; the only God is Obama and the powerful female clitoris.” One student raised his hand and stood up and said, “Sir, I’m sorry to interrupt, but where I come from we don’t talk bad about God, because he’s our best friend.” The professor then said, “What are you, an idiot? Shut up, idiot. This is college and we hate Christ. Who do you think you are, Christian?” The student responded by picking up his bag, putting on his cowboy hat and punching the teacher in the face. “My name is Sgt. Johnathan Gunderson. And your plan won’t work, Goltar.” Because when the sergeant punched the professor, he punched the mask off of his face, revealing the praying mantis head underneath. “You’ve figured out my evil plan this time, Sgt. Gunderson. But as long as there are aborted fetuses for me to feast upon, I will always be stronger than America!” He then flew away to his lair. Share this status if you want to save America and end abortion.
>>
>grandmothers of /lit/
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>>6021023
cold and darkness can exist in a vacuum; evil cannot, as it requires actors
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>>6021042
the moral is actually that people are willing to do whatever it takes for their own people and aren't willing to do so for a random stranger.

suicide soldier boy was a dumb ass kantian for killing himself over nothing.

he might as well have called his mom to ask if some hobo could come suck on her titties and starve himself if she refused
>>
In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, "Do you know what I just heard about your friend?"

"Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be good idea to take a moment and filter what you’re going to say. That’s why I call it the triple filter test. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"Well, no," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and…"

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don’t really know if it’s true or not. Now, let’s try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?"

"Umm, no, on the contrary…"

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about my friend, but you’re not certain it’s true. You may still pass the test though, because there’s one filter left—the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true, nor good, nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"
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a gurl went 2 da hospitul and wuz diagnozed wif ovarian cancer she waz about 2 die and no 1 could donate their ovaries to her
she passed out, next thing she knos she wakes up in a hospital room
"wherez da bf?" she asked
"he donated his ovaries 2 u to save ur lyfe he isn't here wif us any more"
lyk dis if u cry evry time
>>
isn't it weird that how no matter how much we high-mindedly masturbate over sublimity in great prose and poetry these sorts of simple stories will (and have) always have more of an effect on most people

i mean i know its fun to sneer and be transgressive or post-post-sincere but its kind of humbling when you think about it
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>>6021519
Lel pleb.
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>>6021519
kek weapons grade commoner
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>>6021066
lolwut
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>>6020970

Twist: It was actually a science class and the conclusion was "99% of that space is empty. Atomic bonds, son."
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>>6021504
Because it's interesting? Stop being such a killjoy Socrates
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>>6021519
u dum m8?
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>>6021390

dude...
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Is there money to be made writing stupid stories like this?
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>>6021624
Absolutely.
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>>6020970
>>
this thread is gold. exactly what lit needed after the booktuber incident.
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>>6021644
I read that first sentence as "This guy are sick."

I spend too much time on /vr/.
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In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way.

Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway.

The peasant learned what many of us never understand! Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.
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>>6021664
I actually like this one
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>>6021027

It's only funny if you have heard similar stories before. Basically, I have heard three of these used unironically by church pastors, schoolteachers. Usually to illustrate a point. The one where a student "proves" the existence of god is commonly attributed to Albert Einstein even though we know he never fucking said that. It's just to give it weight because even a total retard knows that Einstein was a smart man (appeal to authority).

The context is funny. The people who originally created these stories intended them to be inspiring.
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>>6021676

reblogged, liked, favourited, vined, retweeted, called the police, protested, went to jail, called al sharpton, didnt du nuffin
>>
A man found a cocoon of a butterfly and kept it with him at all times. One day a small opening appeared. He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could, and it could go no further.

So the man decided to help the butterfly. He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings.

The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time. Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly.

What the man, in his kindness and haste, did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were God's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our lives. If God allowed us to go through our lives without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. We could never fly!
>>
A liberal muslim homosexual ACLU lawyer professor and abortion doctor was teaching a class on Karl Marx, known atheist

”Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Marx and accept that he was the most highly-evolved being the world has ever known, even greater than Jesus Christ!”

At this moment, a brave, patriotic, pro-life Navy SEAL champion who had served 1500 tours of duty and understood the necessity of war and fully supported all military decision made by the United States stood up and held up a rock.

”How old is this rock, pinhead?”

The arrogant professor smirked quite Jewishly and smugly replied “4.6 billion years, you stupid Christian”

”Wrong. It’s been 5,000 years since God created it. If it was 4.6 billion years old and evolution, as you say, is real… then it should be an animal now”

The professor was visibly shaken, and dropped his chalk and copy of Origin of the Species. He stormed out of the room crying those liberal crocodile tears. The same tears liberals cry for the “poor” (who today live in such luxury that most own refrigerators) when they jealously try to claw justly earned wealth from the deserving job creators. There is no doubt that at this point our professor, DeShawn Washington, wished he had pulled himself up by his bootstraps and become more than a sophist liberal professor. He wished so much that he had a gun to shoot himself from embarrassment, but he himself had petitioned against them!

The students applauded and all registered Republican that day and accepted Jesus as their lord and savior. 50 bald eagles all named “Small Government” flew into the room and perched atop the American Flag and shed a tear on the chalk. The pledge of allegiance was read several times, and God himself showed up and enacted a flat tax rate across the country.

The professor lost his tenure and was fired the next day. He died of the gay plague AIDS and was tossed into the lake of fire for all eternity.

Semper Fi.
p.s. close the borders
>>
>>6021722
>A liberal muslim homosexual ACLU lawyer professor and abortion doctor was teaching a class on Karl Marx, known atheist

I'd hang out with this guy.
>>
>>6021653
yeah, more memes
>>
>>6021684
was Einstein religious
>>
>>6021746

He was an ordained pentecostal preacher
>>
>>6021021

underrated
>>
>>6021680
We did it as a play when I was in third grade.
>>
After 21 years of marriage, my wife wanted me to take another woman out to dinner and a movie. She said, “I love you, but I know this other woman loves you and would love to spend some time with you.”Smile

The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my MOTHER, who has been a widow for 19 years, but the demands of my work and my three children had made it possible to visit her only occasionally. That night I called to invite her to go out for dinner and a movie. “What’s wrong, are you well?” she asked. Smile

My mother is the type of woman who suspects that a late night call or a surprise invitation is a sign of bad news. “I thought that it would be pleasant to spend some time with you,” I responded. “Just the two of us.” She thought about it for a moment, and then said, “I would like that very much.”

That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up I was a bit nervous. When I arrived at her house, I noticed that she, too, seemed to be nervous about our date. She waited in the door with her coat on. She had curled her hair and was wearing the dress that she had worn to celebrate her last wedding anniversary. She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an angel’s. “I told my friends that I was going to go out with my son, and they were impressed, “she said, as she got into the car. “They can’t wait to hear about our meeting.”

We went to a restaurant that, although not elegant, was very nice and cozy. My mother took my arm as if she were the First Lady. After we sat down, I had to read the menu. Her eyes could only read large print. Half way through the entries, I lifted my eyes and saw Mom sitting there staring at me. A nostalgic smile was on her lips. “It was I who used to have to read the menu when you were small,” she said. “Then it’s time that you relax and let me return the favor,” I responded. During the dinner, we had an agreeable conversation – nothing extraordinary but catching up on recent events of each other’s life. We talked so much that we missed the movie. As we arrived at her house later, she said, “I’ll go out with you again, but only if you let me invite you.” I agreed.

“How was your dinner date?” asked my wife when I got home. “Very nice. Much more so than I could have imagined,” I answered.

A few days later, my mother died of a massive heart attack.Shocked CryIt happened so suddenly that I didn’t have a chance to do anything for her.Cry Some time later, I received an envelope with a copy of a restaurant receipt from the same place mother and I had dined. An attached note said: “I paid this bill in advance. I wasn’t sure that I could be there; but nevertheless, I paid for two plates – one for you and the other for your wife. You will never know what that night meant for me. I love you, son.”

At that moment, I understood the importance of saying in time: “I LOVE YOU” and to give our loved ones the time that they deserve.
>>
>>6021819
did they fuck?
>>
Three men are stranded on a desert island, when a bottle washes up on the shore. When they uncork the bottle, a genie appears and offers three wishes. The first wishes to be taken to Paris. The genie snaps his fingers, and the man suddenly finds himself standing in front of the Eiffel Tower. The second man wishes that he were in Hollywood, and with a snap of the genie's fingers, he finds himself on a Tinseltown movie set. The third man, now alone on the island, looks around and says, "I wish my friends were back."

The moral of the story is "Don't make friends with idiots."
>>
After 21 years of marriage, my wife wanted me to take another woman out to dinner and a movie. She said, “I love you, but I know this other woman loves you and would love to spend some time with you.”Smile

The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my MOTHER, who has been a widow for 19 years, but the demands of my work and my three children had made it possible to visit her only occasionally. That night I called to invite her to go out for dinner and a movie. “What’s wrong, are you well?” she asked. Smile

My mother is the type of woman who suspects that a late night call or a surprise invitation is a sign of bad news. “I thought that it would be pleasant to spend some time with you,” I responded. “Just the two of us.” She thought about it for a moment, and then said, “I would like that very much.”

That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up I was a bit nervous. When I arrived at her house, I noticed that she, too, seemed to be nervous about our date. She waited in the door with her coat on. She had curled her hair and was wearing the dress that she had worn to celebrate her last wedding anniversary. She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an angel’s. “I told my friends that I was going to go out with my son, and they were impressed, “she said, as she got into the car. “They can’t wait to hear about our meeting.”

We went to a restaurant that, although not elegant, was very nice and cozy. My mother took my arm as if she were the First Lady. After we sat down, I had to read the menu. Her eyes could only read large print. Half way through the entries, I lifted my eyes and saw Mom sitting there staring at me. A nostalgic smile was on her lips. “It was I who used to have to read the menu when you were small,” she said. “Then it’s time that you relax and let me return the favor,” I responded. During the dinner, we had an agreeable conversation – nothing extraordinary but catching up on recent events of each other’s life. We talked so much that we missed the movie. As we arrived at her house later, she said, “I’ll go out with you again, but only if you let me invite you.” I agreed.

“How was your dinner date?” asked my wife when I got home. “Very nice. Much more so than I could have imagined,” I answered.

A few days later, my mother died of a massive heart attack.Shocked CryIt happened so suddenly that I didn’t have a chance to do anything for her.Cry Some time later, I received an envelope with a copy of a restaurant receipt from the same place mother and I had dined. An attached note said: “I paid this bill in advance. I wasn’t sure that I could be there; but nevertheless, I paid for two plates – one for you and the other for your wife. You will never know what that night meant for me. I love you, son.”

At that moment, I understood the importance of saying in time: “I LOVE YOU” and to give our loved ones the time that they deserve.
>>
>>6021722
kek
>>
Here's one more and then I'm going to sleep.

My mom only had one eye. I hated her… She was such an embarrassment. She cooked for students and teachers to support the family.

There was this one day during elementary school where my mom came to say hello to me. I was so embarrassed.

How could she do this to me? I ignored her, threw her a hateful look and ran out. The next day at school one of my classmates said, ‘EEEE, your mom only has one eye!’

I wanted to bury myself. I also wanted my mom to just disappear. I confronted her that day and said, ‘ If you’re only gonna make me a laughing stock, why don’t you just die?’

My mom did not respond… I didn’t even stop to think for a second about what I had said, because I was full of anger. I was oblivious to her feelings.

I wanted out of that house, and have nothing to do with her. So I studied real hard, got a chance to go abroad to study.

Then, I got married. I bought a house of my own. I had kids of my own. I was happy with my life, my kids and the comforts. Then one day, my Mother came to visit me. She hadn’t seen me in years and she didn’t even meet her grandchildren.

When she stood by the door, my children laughed at her, and I yelled at her for coming over uninvited. I screamed at her, ‘How dare you come to my house and scare my children!’ GET OUT OF HERE! NOW!!!’

And to this, my mother quietly answered, ‘Oh, I’m so sorry. I may have gotten the wrong address,’ and she disappeared out of sight.

One day, a letter regarding a school reunion came to my house. So I lied to my wife that I was going on a business trip. After the reunion, I went to the old shack just out of curiosity.

My neighbors said that she died. I did not shed a single tear. They handed me a letter that she had wanted me to have.

My dearest son,

I think of you all the time. I’m sorry that I came to your house and scared your children.

I was so glad when I heard you were coming for the reunion. But I may not be able to even get out of bed to see you. I’m sorry that I was a constant embarrassment to you when you were growing up.

You see……..when you were very little, you got into an accident, and lost your eye. As a mother, I couldn’t stand watching you having to grow up with one eye. So I gave you mine.

I was so proud of my son who was seeing a whole new world for me, in my place, with that eye.

With all my love to you,

Your mother...

Hope you enjoyed these lessons and hope to see you tomorrow for more! :)
>>
A young, fresh and cherry STEM student walks into the halls of a sterile English department with his head held high. Stern and with a proud heave, he bellows through the cavern at the beanie-sporters scattered through the hall:

" WHAT WOULD YOU RATHER STUDY, HEATHENS? "

Seven fragrant dreadlocked beards spew coffee from their continental gullets. Free-range hens shuffle out a window somewhere.

" WORDS ON A PAGE OR THE FUCKING COSMOS? "

An emergency evacuation is called. Afghan clogs stuff the exit. Native tears are shed. A triad of cauldrons full to brim with boiling kamquat loose their bellies with a fever on the frantic patrons all around. The shelves are raided. Looters stuffing oriental knapsacks leave no kitsch untouched.

From the roaring depths of chaos in the halls, through sheets of stirring fire: calm and rigid comes up looming in the haze a stoic English professor, tailored suit to keen perfection, forty thousand pages full of Marx and further reading in an unstained palm.

Expressionless, with firm phenomenologic hold on mind and body, he whispers to the STEM student, currently engaged in evil laughter:

" What would you rather study, child? "

The student is hushed. Voiceless. The man has snared his subjectivity entirely.

" Nature - or the nature of nature? "

Of an instant all the place is silent. In the corner, captive underneath the groins of several existential theists, one brave soul begins to clap. Soon the place is flooded with cheer.

The next day, all sciences were cancelled nationwide. The shells of disenfranchised rockets sheltered lonely bohemians everywhere. All was well.
>>
>>6021900
It's funny that what the most moving literature amounts to is these parables in better writing. I bet a condensed form of Crime and Punishment would make a good chain e-mail.
>>
>>6021482
>implying evil is "a lack of good"
Does this story somehow take the blame off God for allowing evil?
>>
>>6021908

>the new mode of literary criticism
>>
>>6021918

don't look for logic bro, just let the warm emotional pleasure wash over you
>>
>>6020970

Fuck. I have heard teachers seriously recite that bullshit at assemblies
>>
>>6021921
I'm serious!

I was very poor and living in Russia. Blah blah blah, I got arrested for killing an old lady

MORAL: The Bible and that prostitute really saved my life! It just goes to show that you can find beauty and redemption in the worst moments and people! PLEASE SPREAD THIS TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS!1!!
>>
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>tfw you don't get emails from relatives anymore because they all text and facebook each other
>>
>>6021931

>the saving grace of Christ in a nutshell

mmmmmm..........yeah, in a lip smacking way, yeah baby theology can be cool
>>
>>6021032
how did he throw himself from a building with only one arm and one leg doe
>>
>>6021900
>when you were very little, you got into an accident, and lost your eye. As a mother, I couldn’t stand watching you having to grow up with one eye. So I gave you mine.
AYY LMAO WTF DOE
>>
>>6021967
he crawled
>>
One our way back from the mission, we caught three militants. When we reached the landing strip, a young, clean shaven man stood waiting.

'Hello, Dr. Pavel. I'm CIA.'

We got in, waiting for the plane to take off. It had been a long mission. I just wanted to see my two kids, back home.

(1/2)
>>
>>6022015
so he crawled all those stories in a staircase or something and then up a ladder to the roof, then jumped off? nigga yall be flexin
>>
>>6021490
this
>>
>>6021006
>Canadian

Why did you change it from American?
>>
>>6021023
absolute zero is the the total absence of heat
-2 degrees outside
evil is real
by that logic
>>
>>6022135
>0 degrees
>absolute real
how's the liberal arts degree coming along?
>>
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>Disclaimer: I liked this one

A young man asked Socrates the secret to success. Socrates told the young man to meet him near the river the next morning. They met. Socrates asked the young man to walk with him towards the river. When the water got up to their neck, Socrates took the young man by surprise and ducked him into the water. The boy struggled to get out but Socrates was strong and kept him there until the boy started turning blue. Socrates pulled his head out of the water and the first thing the young man did was to gasp and take a deep breath of air. Socrates asked, 'What did you want the most when you were there?" The boy replied, "Air." Socrates said, "That is the secret to success. When you want success as badly as you wanted the air, then you will get it." There is no other secret.
>>
>I wrote this one and it's probably my favourite copypasta

A 9/10 blonde, big titted attention whore was teaching a class at Beta University.

"Before the class begins you should get on your laptops and like my Facebook updates and fifty new party and beach photos despite me never acknowledging your existence."

At this moment a robotic, NEET, virgin, who had made 1500 feel topics, was out of his house for the first time in a week, and fully comprehended the scale of female privilege and the easiness of their lives stood up and held a rock.

"What does this rock feel like?"

The ego inflated lecturer smirked quite Jewishly and enthusiastically replied, "It feels rough. It hurts my hand just by holding it!"

"Wrong. If it hurts you and treats you roughly... then why haven't you let it cum on your face yet?"

The lecturer was visibly shaken and dropped her chalk and copy of 50 Shades of Grey. She stormed out of the room crying those white knight summoning tears. The betas applauded and all made greentext topics on /r9k/ and realised that if 20 % of the men get all of the women then they outnumber Chad 4 to 1. A cat named "Unused Pussy" ran in to the room and sat atop the American flag and shed a tear on the chalk. After one week all women were enslaved by the beta uprising and distributed equally among the male population.

The lecturer Iost her tenure and was fired the next day. She committed suicide after realising that none of the hundreds of men that offered to marry her were millionaires, and that her life was too hard.
>>
>>6021089
I like how this one has no ending
>>
>>6021173
how sweet the country people are
>>
>>6021173

I don't know why but this shit is hilarious.
>>
A man commits a monstrous crime, but does not confess until the statute of limitations has expired.

The magistrate watches the man until he commits some small transgression, at which point the magistrate delivers unto the man a punishment that matches the severity of the greater crime.

Moral: When guilt is infinite, no punishment is too severe.
>>
>>6022584
lmao ikr, the end was like some fuckn TV chocolate advertisement.
>>
A japanese hosso monk and zen master was teaching a class on Lao Ze, known riddler

”Before the class begins, you must adopt a meditation stance and reverence Lao Ze and accept that he was the most enlightened being the world has ever known, even greater than Heraclitus!”

At this moment, a brave, phenomenologist, continental German philosopher who had published over 1500 papers on hermeneutics and understood the necessity of an ontological characterization of human beings and fully supported all deconstruction of metaphysical thinking stood up and held up a rock.

”Does this rock have buddha nature?”

The arrogant professor smirked and smugly replied “mu, you stupid Westerner”

”Wrong. An existential analysis of the rock reveals that it has no language and therefore it is not opened to the disclosure of Being . If it was neither Dasein or not Dasein and its ontological nature, as you say, was indeterminate… then its rock-Being should be a concern to it!”

The monk was visibly shaken, and dropped his bonsai and copy of Tao te Ching. He stormed out of the room reciting those obsolete buddhist sutras. The same sutras buddhists recite for the “souls of the deceased” when they jealously try to devalue responsibility over their finitude from the deserving authentic Daseins. There is no doubt that at this point our monk, Gautama Boddhidarma, wished he had pulled himself up by his bootstraps and become more than an inauthentic onto theological thinker. He wished so much that he had a non metaphysical characterization of truth to reconstruct his ontology over a groundless ground, but he himself had petitioned against it!

The students applauded and all registered with the university of Freiburg that day and accepted Nietzsche as the last and greatest western crypto metaphysician. An eagle named “Ereigenis” flew into the room and perched atop an ancient oak and shed a tear on the now standing reserve of timber. The Ister was read several times, and Being itself showed up and spread existential angst across the country.

The monk lost his tenure and was fired the next day. He died of the technocratic plague nihilism and was tossed into the impossibility of possibilities for eternity.

Ex nihilo omnia
p.s. It rests by changing.
>>
>>6022135
You don't understand the notion of "absolute".
>>
>>6021900
I cri evertim
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>>6021887
I expected a lot more incest there.
>>
>>6021006
>Canadian
>implying the soldier wouldn't just have apologized and invited the professor to a game of moose vs grizzly hockey.
>>
>>6021918
I think the major problem is that Christian theology in west Europe (and by extension America) basis most of it's teachings upon Augustinian, who claimed man to be forever tainted by a very real and present evil.
>>
>>6021391
I blame the Protestants.
>>
/lit/ - meta funposting
>>
>>6021107
I died of laughter and I read this one before...
>>
A woman was walking by a little girl in a white dress with a small white dog on leash in the park one day.

She stopped and said to the little girl, "you are one of the prettiest little girls I have ever seen, what is your name child?"

The little girl looked up and said, "I was born in the spring and the apples trees were starting to flower and my Mother said, "I will name this child, Blossom," so my name is Blossom."

The woman replied, "that is is a beautiful story, my child and what is your dog's name?"

The little girl replied, "Porky."

The women asked a bit puzzled, "Why Porky?"

And the little girl looked at her with her angelic face and said, "Because he likes to fuck pigs."

This is a true story.
>>
>>6022930
Gamer poop reference?
>>
A nihilist, atheist homosexual professor and abortion doctor was teaching a class on Thomas Ligotti, a known antinatalist.

”Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and accept that life is painful, disgusting and ultimately mechanical and nothing actually matters, not even meaning the individual creates for himself!

At this moment, a brave, fecund, pro-life Christian humanist who had seven beautiful children and understood the intrinsic value of human life stood up and held up a rock.

”Why am I holding this rock, pinhead?”

The arrogant professor smirked quite nihilisticly and smugly replied “It's just neurons firing in your brain that have created the illusion that you're a conscious being.”

”Wrong. I'm holding it because I choose to of my own free will. If none of us has free will and life, as you say, has no meaning… then why haven't you killed yourself by now?”

The professor was visibly shaken, and dropped his chalk and copy of The Conspiracy Against the Human Race. He stormed out of the room crying those antinatalist crocodile tears. The same tears liberals cry for the “humanity” (who today live in such luxury that most life well into their 60s) while they bitterly try to write edgy novels to make money that they themselves claim is hollow and pointless. There is no doubt that at this point our professor, Nick Pizzeria, wished he had done something meaningful with his life and become more than a sophist liberal professor. He wished so much that he had a gun to shoot himself from embarrassment, but he himself "did not have the constitution for suicide"!

The students applauded and all accepted Jesus as their lord and savior and threw away their birth control devices. An eagle named “Desiderius Erasmus” flew into the room and perched atop the American Flag and shed a tear on the chalk. Psalm 127: 3–5 was read several times, and God himself showed up and instilled everyone's lives with value and purpose.

The professor lost his tenure and was fired the next day. He died in a seemingly random accident that was actually part of God's plan and was tossed into the lake of fire for all eternity.

God bless ps be fruitful and multiply.
>>
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>>6022942

actually my Mother told me this

true story
>>
>>6021719
So inspiring.
>>
>>6021829
I was sure it was gonna go that way, in fact, im gonna go right a head and write a different ending to it.
>>
>>6021819

His Mother represents Jesus and his wife represents Satan. Satan sent him to Jesus and Jesus died. And he had to return to Satan and spend the rest of eternity in hellfire.

The Moral: Your wife's a bitch.
>>
>>6022967
>Nick Pizzeria
I died.
>>
>>6021023
>"And, does Dark exist?", he continued. The professor answered "Of course". This time the student responded, "Again you're wrong, Sir. Darkness does not exist either. Darkness is in fact simply the absence of light. Light can be studied, darkness can not. Darkness cannot be broken down. A simple ray of light tears the darkness and illuminates the surface where the light beam finishes. Dark is a term that we humans have created to describe what happens when there's lack of light."

Then black holes and dark matter were discovered and ALBERT EINSTEIN felt fucking stupid.
>>
>>6021719
>evil is necessary because otherwise we can't be strong, nevermind that god could have easily created a universe where strength isn't needed
>>
>>6023577
>evil
>>
>>6021006
That story had the dumbest ending, should have thrown in a bible quote like 9:15

"But the Lord said unto him, Go thy way: for he is a chosen vessel unto me"
>>
>>6021746
No, he was an atheist.
>>
>>6022135
>>6021023
You can go beyond absolute zero, in both directions.
But you can never be at absolute zero.

Do any of you even bother with science?
>>
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A story is told about a clerk who was finally coming home after completing law school. He called his parents from Prague. “Mom and Dad, I’m coming home, but I’ve a favor to ask. I have a friend I’d like to bring home with me. “Sure,” they replied, “we’d love to meet him.”

“There’s something you should know,” the son continued, “he awoke one morning from uneasy dreams to find himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect. He has nowhere else to go, and I want him to come live with us.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, son. Maybe we can help him find somewhere to live.”
“No, Mom and Dad, I want him to live with us.”

“Son,” said the father, “you don’t know what you’re asking. Someone with such a handicap would be a terrible burden on us. We have our own lives to live, and we can’t let something like this interfere with our lives. I think you should just come home and forget about this guy. He’ll find a way to live on his own.”

At that point, the son hung up the phone. The parents heard nothing more from him. A few days later, however, they received a call from the Prague police. Their son had died from starvation, they were told. The police believed it was suicide.

The grief-stricken parents flew to Prague and were taken to the city morgue to identify the body of their son. They recognized him, but to their horror they also discovered something they didn’t know, their son had transformed into a gigantic insect.


Moral: The parents in this story are like many of us. We find it easy to love those who are good-looking or fun to have around, but we don’t like people who inconvenience us or make us feel uncomfortable. We would rather stay away from people who aren’t as healthy, beautiful, or smart as we are. Thankfully, there’s someone who won’t treat us that way. Someone who loves us with an unconditional love that welcomes us into the forever family, regardless of how messed up we are. Tonight, before you tuck yourself in for the night, say a little prayer that God will give you the strength you need to accept people as they are, and to help us all be more understanding of those who are different from us!
>>
>>6021107
Somebody post the Francis E. Dec inspired version, this one is played out.
>>
>>6021519
wew
common, dull, lower class plebish blue collar worker detected. I bet "baby shoes. for sale. never worn" is one of the most moving pieces of literature?
FUcking stupid poor folk. I bet you don't even read pynchon.
>>
>>6021021
Agreed.
>>
Mayonaise jar analogies are a spook.
>>
>>6021719
That one actually wasn't THAT bad, relatively speaking. I mean the stupid fuck interfered with the natural order of things with no understanding of how things work. The relation to god was a cheap cop-out that ruined what might have been a nice allegory.
>>
>>6024046
Wait. I found it. Enjoy.
A brazen,deadly gangster policeman professor and parroting puppet of the computer god was teaching a class on Franklin D. Roosevelt, a known Tsarina Fag.
"Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship The Worldwide Mad Deadly Communist Gangster Computer God and accept his lifelong Frankenstien radio controls!"

At this moment, a brave writer of unforgivable thruths and terrorized member of the master race who had typed over 1500 poorly worded rants and understood how CIA gangsters pump deadly poison nerve gas-smoke into secret compartments and lived in a low,deadly niggertown old house,stood up ALONE and held up a thick, strong homemade appeal brief.
"How long do people naturally live before they are dead or useless?"

The cackling, sneering, co-conspiring felon gangster parroting puppet officer professor laughed his mad giggle now,and smugly replied "70 years, you helpless and hopeless frankenstien slave."

"Wrong. People are subjected to worldwide systematic instant-plastic surgery butchery murder,inside a sealed computer god robotic operating cabinet"

The professor was visibly shaken, and dropped his nerve gas ball point pen and blurted many statements. He stormed out of the room crying those hangmanrope sneak Gangster playboy tears.

The students applauded and were all notarized as pummellers of niggers that day and converted to Astrocism,the true religion of the Slovene people.
A deadly touch tarantula spider named "MENACE TO GANGSTER GOVERNMENT" trajected around corners into the room and perched atop the American Flag and shed a tabin needle on the ticker tape. The worldwide open secret was read several times.

The professor lost his tenure and was put into Maximum Security Insanity Prison the next day. He died of the The worldwide completely controlled deadly degenerative climate and atmosphere and was lead into Frankenstein living-death eternal slavery
MAKE COPIES FOR YOURSELF!
>>
>>6021173
this reads like a Hermann Hesse novel
>>
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>>6024028

nicely done
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>>6024115

>He stormed out of the room crying those hangmanrope sneak Gangster playboy tears.

amazing
>>
A lot of the characters in these stories, in order to get the author's moral across, act in incredibly surreal ways. Like in >>6021173 it paints the old man character to be homeless or something, but at the end you find out he actually has a home and a son. Why did he spend an entire afternoon eating sweets with some random grade school kid when he has a son of his own at home?

Especially >>6021900 It's like the author intentionally chose the most insignificant detail possible and made it the prime plot device. It's like an obsession out of a Poe book. His entire life was fueled by hatred stemming from his mom missing an eye. It's absurd.
>>
There is this story of a man who had a dream one night. He dreamed that he died and found himself immediately in a large room. In the room there was a huge banquet table filled with all sorts of delicious foods. Around the table people were seated who were hungry but the chairs were five feet from the edge of the table and people apparently could not get out of the chairs and their arms were not long enough to reach the food. In the dream there was a single large spoon, five feet long. Everyone was fighting, quarrelling, pushing each other, trying to grab hold of that spoon. Finally in that awful scene, one strong bully got hold of the spoon. He reached out, picked up some food, and turned it to feed himself. Only to find out that the spoon was so long that as he held it out he could not touch his mouth. The food fell off. Immediately someone else grabbed the spoon. Again, the person reached far enough to pick up the food, but could not feed himself. In the dream, the man was observing it all said to his guide, “this is hell-to have food and not be able to eat it”.

The guide replied, “Where do u think u are? This is hell. But this is not ur place. Come with me.”

And they went into another room. In this room things were the same as the previous room. People were not able to reach food coz of the same reasons. Yet they had a satisfied, pleasant look on their faces. Only then the visitors see the reason why. Exactly as before, there was only one spoon. It, too, had a handle five feet long. Yet no one was fighting for it. In fact, one man, who held the handle, reached out, picked up the food, and put it into the mouth of someone else, which ate it and was satisfied. That person then took the spoon by the handle, reached for the food from the table, and put it back to the mouth of the man who had just given him something to eat. And the guide said, “This is heaven”.

People who try to achieve happiness with selfishness end up it in a hell on earth. If u live by the laws of God and choose to look for people who have burdens, you might be able to help them. But if u look for ur own happiness, ignoring the needs of those around u, u will lose out altogether.
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>>6020970

A student approached the teachers table, grabbed the jar, he proceeded then to turn it upside down, making everything that was inside pour noisily to the ground, and watched amused, the golf balls bouncing away, then asked the whole class:

"Is the jar full now?"

Laughing, the students agreed that the jar was empty, and that he was making a fool of himself.

He then blown some air inside the jar, and asked again.

As the students and the teacher began to understand what he was saying, he muttered.

"See, none of you get this, the jar was full since the beginning, and it is only after you loose all the crap you fill it with, when you realize it"

He then smashed the jar against the ground, and moved his hands as trying to reach the whole of the room.

"The same, goes for life" then he went back to his seat, in the back of the class, to see the trees dance to the rhythm of the wind.
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>>6021107
>>6021291
>>6021437
>>6021722
>>6021906
>>6022564
>>6022658
>>6022967
>>6024115
I absolutely love shit like this, I cant stop laughing. please post more
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>>6025664
gold
>>
>>6025664
zen/10 would satori again
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>>6021006

>freedom of speech in Canada

sure.
>>
A farmer insulted his neighbor. Realizing his mistake, he went to the preacher to ask for forgiveness. The preacher told him to take a bag of feathers and drop them in the center of town. The farmer did as he was told. Then the preacher asked him to go and collect the feathers and put them back in the bag. The farmer tried but couldn't as the feathers had all blown away. When he returned with the empty bag, the preacher said, "The same thing is true about your words. You dropped them rather easily but you cannot retrieve them, so be very careful in choosing your words."
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>>6020970

Thanks OP but I am an alcoholic.
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>>6025792
Is one genre of pasta really that enjoyable? I like ones like>>6024028 this a bit more. What´s the orginar version of that?
>>
A liberal economist, stock-market trader, professor and Goldman Sachs board member was teaching a class on Milton Friedman, known bourgeois ideologist.

”Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Friedman and accept that he was the most highly-evolved political philosopher the world has ever known, even greater than Karl Marx!”

At this moment, a brave, internationalist, proletarian manual worker who had taken part in 1500 revolutions and understood the necessity of class war and fully supported all decision made by the working-class-in-movement stood up and held up a coat.

”What is the value of this coat, pinhead?”

The arrogant professor smirked quite bourgeouisly and smugly replied “That is determined by its marginal utility, you stupid communist”

”Wrong. It’s taken 5,000 hours of labour to produce this coat. If its price is determined by marginal utility, as you say… then the price determines its marginal utility!”

The professor was visibly shaken, and dropped his chalk and copy of Atlas Shrugged. He stormed out of the room crying those bourgeois crocodile tears. The same tears reactionaries cry for the “job creators” (who today live in such luxury that most piss money up the wall) when they jealously try to exploit justly produced wealth from the deserving proletariat. There is no doubt that at this point our professor wished he could transcend the ideological limitations of his material circumstances and become more than a sophist liberal professor. He wished so much that he could live in a society where each was cared for according to their need, but he himself had prevented its realisation!

The students applauded and all attained class-consciousness that day and accepted socialism as humanity's savior. A red star named “Historical Materialism” shed a tear from heaven onto the chalk. The Internationale was sung several times, and Lenin himself showed up and seized the means of production across the capitalist world.

The professor lost his exploited wealth and was arrested the next day. He died by firing squad and was tossed into dusbin of history for all eternity.

Workers of the World Unite
p.s. the weapon of criticism cannot replace criticism by weapons
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>>6028416
>and Lenin himself showed up and seized the means of production across the capitalist world.
10/10
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>>6022135
That's... that's real funny. Asshole.
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>>6021422

delightfully stupid
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>>6021089
kek
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>>6029480
nigga look like a tim burton character
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>>6021260
The carpenter's name?

Albert Einstein.
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>>6029605
top kek
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>>6023801
>you can go beyond abs zero
niggah, shut up
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>>6028416
toplel
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>>6021023
BRAVO!
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>>6021023
I always thought this was a joke but it's actually really fucking good.

Of course the child isn't Albert Einstein but the reasoning is air tight.
>>
A sophist, nominalist, atheist, materialist monist, nihilist, panmobilist professor was teaching a class on Heraclitus, known weeper.

"Before the class begins, you must momentarily accept that a new class is beginning every moment, and that once the class is over you will never be able to recall the same class (or infinite number of classes made up of an infinitude of moments, as it were) again."

At this moment a brave Platonic, Aristotelian, Thomist who full understood that the problem of universals was the central problem of all metaphysics and philosophy and who knew that all modern philosophy was the misguided following of Ockham's nominalism, stood up and said:

"Everything flows, panta rhei; is that right, professor?"

The amorphous professor smirked quite formlessly and ambiguously replied, "Yes, it's been approximately 2500 years since Heraclitus established the doctrine that everything flows."

"Wrong. If everything flows, as you say, then the statement "everything flows" also flows, making it as permanent or established as the proverbial river that was no doubt was made up of babby Heraclitus' tears, probably because he knew that he would never be a true philosopher."

The professor was visibly shaken, and dropped his copy of "Wild Ones ft. Sia" by Flo Rida . He stormed out of the room crying those nominalist tears. The same tears that are not the same tears when they leave the eye as when they hit the floor. There is no doubt that at this point our professor, Jacques Derrida, had contemplated the Forms instead of peddling ancient sophisms among a degenerate Academia. He wished so much that he had a self to kill, but he himself had argued that the self is nothing but a transitory event in the great flow of things!

The students applauded and all read the Republic and accepted that everything derives its existence from one universal Form, Αγαθών. The Apology was read several times, and Socrates himself showed up and acted as midwife for all the noble truths that the students' souls were pregnant with.

Nothing became of the professor because according to his own logic he ceases to be by the end of this post.

Χαλάζι Πλάτωνα.
>>
>>6030948
"air tight" Yes, when you compare two disjoint ideas and have flawed logic it is air tight.
>>
>>6031015
10/10
>>
Thanks dad
>>
A marxist post-structuralist continental Ecole Normale Superieure professor and feminist activist was teaching a class on Martin Heidegger, known hermeneuticist.

"Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Nietzsche and accept that his genealogical method was the most highly-evolved theory the continent has ever known, even greater than Hegel's dialectics!"

At this moment a brave, rational, positivist analytic philosopher who had read more than 15000 pages of Popper and Wittgenstein and understood the raison d'etre of empricism and fully supported all modern hard sciences stood up and held up the constitution.

"How universal is this text, frenchie?"

The arrogant professor smirked quite Jewishly and smugly replied

"It's not universal at all, fucking positivist, its "truth" is rooted in our shared understandings about culture, the subject and the nexus of power and knowledge."

"Wrong. It's been 225 years since human reason created it. if it was not universal, and post-modern relativism, as you say, is real... then it should be regarded as a myth now."

The professor was visibly shaken, and dropped his chalk and copy of On Grammatology. He stormed out of the room crying those ironic post-modern crocodile tears. There is no doubt that at this point our professor, Michel Foucault, wished he had pulled hiimself up by his bootstraps and become more than an AIDS ridden sadomasochist interested in fisting. He wished so much that he had some kind of truth to hold on to, but he himself had written to disprove it!

The students applauded and all rolled into American universities that day and accepted Wittgenstein as the end of philosophy. An eagle named "Formal logic" flew into the room and perched atop the copy of "Principa Mathematica" and shed a tear on the hardcover. The last sentence of "Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus" was read several times, and Karl Popper himself showed up and demonstrated how dialectics is nothing but a means of justifying contradictions.

The professor lost his tenure and was fired the next day. He died of the gay plague AIDS and his "books" were disregarded for all eternity.
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>>6021178
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bumblebee#Flight
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>>6021260
Holy shit I don't know why but the ending made my giggle like a little bitch
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>>6021437
underrated toast
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>>6021906
ugh it's actually painful when people still draw the false science/humanities dichotomy
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>>6021437
>the only God is Obama and the powerful female clitoris.

this actually terrifies me
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>>6021967
try it fag. Oh wait, do you even lift?
>>
>>6021042
unnecessary explanation. I think these christians are basically hijacking nice stories
>>
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A sniveling, arrogant, marxist, 1/64th Wakawaka tribe member, green party trained professor was teaching a class on Australian history

"Before class begins I want you to list 5 ways in which Australia has gone downhill since invasion day onward as a result of British imperialism"

At this moment a brave, speedo-wearing, shredded cunt ex-SAS patriot who had bantered 500 Seppos to tears and fully supported every military decision made by Australia stood up and held up his fist

"Ay CUNT what's the name of my fist?"

The arrogant professor smirked quite Jewishly and smugly replied “Oh only kids give their body parts nam-”

"WRONG. His name is Larry the Leb-Leatherer!"

The professor was visibly shaken, and dropped his chalk and copy of Rabbit Proof Fence. He stormed out of the room crying those leftists crocodile tears. The students applauded and all registered Liberal that day and pledged to join the next riot at Cronulla. The projector malfunctioned and displayed NOICE on the screen in flashing bright letters. An Emu named "Never Forget" trotted into the room and perched on the Australian flag and shed a tear. The class's exchange students from China blew their cover as Chinese agents and tried to flee but were kinghit by some sick cunts. Steve Irwin himself showed up alive and well and enacted high-speed broadband across the country

The professor lost his tenure and was fired the next day. He overdosed on sniff-sniff a few months later participating in an Aboriginal cultural festival

P.S Stop the boats
>>
An ironic, well-dressed, detachedly-hip Pitchfork columnist was teaching a class on Kanye West, known meme rapper.

”Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Pop and accept that its genealogical method was the most highly-evolved theory music has ever known, even greater than that of western art music!”

At this moment, a brave, rational, sweater-wearing, mathematician/website author who had listened to more than 15000 hours of Stockhausen and Scelsi and understood the raison d'être of Patricianhood and fully supported all modern hard sciences stood up and held up a copy of Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.

”How universal is this work, American?"

The arrogant blogger smirked quite Jewishly and smugly replied “It's about as universal as they come, old timer. Its 'truth' is rooted in our shared understandings about culture, the subject and the nexus of power and knowledge. The Beatles were the greatest and most influential band of all times.”

”Wrong. The Beatles sold a lot of records not because they were the greatest musicians but simply because their music was easy to sell to the masses: it had no difficult content, it had no technical innovations, it had no creative depth. They wrote a bunch of catchy 3-minute ditties and they were photogenic. Beatles' ‘aryan’ music removed any trace of black music from rock and roll: it replaced syncopated african rhythm with linear western melody, and lusty negro attitudes with cute white-kid smiles."

The hipster was visibly shaken, and dropped his chalk and copy of Random Access Memories. He stormed out of the room crying those ironic post-modern crocodile tears. Those same tears that are shed by middle-class white teenagers listening to Benji by Sun Kil Moon played on Crosleys purchased from Urban Outfitters as they leaf through their yearbooks and light candles. There is no doubt that at this point our professor, Ryan Dombal, wished he had pulled himself up by his bootstraps and become more than an indie tryhard interested in qt gfs.
The students applauded and all rolled into American universities that day and accepted Scaruffi as the greatest authority of the history of rock music. An eagle named “The Avant Garde” flew into the room and perched atop the copy of "Not Available" and shed a tear on the sleeve. Trout Mask Replica was played several times, and Tim Buckley himself showed up and demonstrated how to make free-jazz-influenced folk music.

The writer lost his tenure and was fired the next day. He died of the gay plague AIDS and his "reviews" were disregarded for all eternity.
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>>6021107
Is there a version of this with Bane and CIA, btw? There has got to be one.
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>>6031774
No thats stupid. Be ashamed of yourself.

Im wondering if there is a Zizek one.
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>>6031230
It's really only STEM autists who do this though
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>>6021372
>>6021390
This whole quantify life stuff forever triggers me
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>>6021107

oh man my sides
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>>6021422
But...how did he respond? He's deaf.
>>
>>6022883
Underrated post of the year
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>>6021093
alwp
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