does anyone else feel like it's better to be "repressed" rather than make your sexual kinks part of your regular identity?
i can't live a normal life unless i repress my sexuality, otherwise i'd be masturbating 900 times a day and getting nothing else done. i can't seem to balance two things in my life, i have to either be in a "repressive" non-sexual phase, in which i focus on other things, or i get into these obsessed tunnel visioned psychotic sexual phases where all i can focus on is it.
taking this even further, i feel like repressing it actually informs my other interests and views in life. i like being the repressed side of myself more than the indulgent, free for all, sex on the brain non-stop every day side of myself.
can anyone relate? i feel so lost in life if i'm not actively "repressing".
No. This intense, single-minded sexual drive doesn't even sound similar in TYPE to any experience I can ever remember having with sexuality.
The contrast is so great that it suggests at least one of us should seek a therapist to discuss this with soon. I'll be seeing mine in two weeks, advise booking an appointment.
I can kind of relate to this. As a pretty dysphoric AGP individual I can honestly say that if I weren't repressing, I'd be some cheap, tranny hooker on backpages because of my hypersexuality and desire to be a man's fuckhole. I get my best work done when I'm in really dysphoric moods though, it's awesome. I've lived a life of sexual repression for so long and am so used to this identity I have now that I can't let go of it. I mean, what would that make me? Not the me I want to be. Dysphoria just gets me in the mood to develop skills and build things. It's also a bonus that I get all of my energy from being alone.
When I was on testosterone? A few days, over a week a lot of the time. For health reasons, I'm obligated to masturbate more often now than I ever used to.
But yeah, the urge just dulled down and I wouldn't really think of things in a sexual context for a pretty long while. I could become aroused if I wanted to, but that's more akin to actively working myself up than letting down a wall against sexual things.
Wait till you realize that so many people are repressing their innermost sexual fantasies. Think about how it is for a pedophile, a beastiality fetishist, an amputee fetishist, castration fetishists, a violent sex fetishist, etc. Tons of human beings are living in repression of their primal sexual urges each and every day. It sucks but that's just how it is. It could be said that sex and sexual fantasies are indeed the driving force of life itself.
OP here, this is what I mean. It's like my disgust with my "non-repressed" side is incredibly inspiring in other areas of life and without that disgust and need to distance myself from it, i think i'd become nothing but that, i.e., how i am in a hyper sexed phase. it's like i've always found it necessary to struggle (and believe me, it's a struggle) to suppress these things so that i can, you know, do other things in life that aren't centered around orgasms as the end result. any time i've got involved with someone else it's left me with very shameful memories, the sort that haunt you lying in bed sleepless at night, and i've determined to remain single and private about my sexuality for life. the shame and disgust motivates me to become even more "repressed" and i start making repression my ultimate ideal. clearly, something has gone wrong in my sexual-social development but i don't want to be fixed or healed if it means living a non-repressed life.
true, but maybe it's easier to repress something so socially abhorrent and/or illegal than something that is nowadays more acceptable. for example, no one builds their personal identity around being an amputee fetishist, but many people build their identity around being trans or gay etc.
Amputee fetishists do base their identity many times around the limbs that they feel should bot be there. Many times they feel so strongly about the limb that shouldn't be there, that they'll try to inflict severe self injury, just to force doctors to remove it. Some will even project themselves through dating and having sex with handicapped girls/guys, kind of like how some closet trans-women will project themselves through having sex with other trans-women. Anyway, I don't think sexual deviance is anything easy to repress. We all have our strong fantasies inside of us, and we'd all love for them to come true, no matter how sick and demented. It's sad, but apparently that's how humans were created.