I don't think of my boyfriend when having sex and cumming.
He's my favorite person in the world, and I love him to death. But whenever I think of him during sex I get all mellow and I don't feel fully turned on.
I'm pretty into the idea of the dom-sub thing, but I know I wouldn't get turned on by it in real life. That's why I don't propose it to my boyfriend.
But that leaves me with the problem of cumming during sex. Whenever we have sex, I do get turned on a bit by the physical stuff, but I don't get mentally turned on. So I imagine hot guys abusing me. And my boyfriend is too sweet to imagine him doing that.
What can I do to get mentally turned on by my boyfriend, and to get aroused enough to cum? Right now it kinda feels like I'm cheating on him...
Tell him to do this to you every night while you sleep. Eventually his nut juices will seep through your face into your brain and make you like him.
I did tell him. And we did try it a while.
However, I still don't feel extremely turned on. And I don't want to crush his entire sense of self-esteem by telling him I don't get fully aroused by him, so I'd like to ask people here for input.
So you don't want to do dom-sub stuff but you can't get off without it. What the fuck?
How would you ever expect to resolve that?
Have you tried asking him to just be a bit rougher with you?
>And I don't want to crush his entire sense of self-esteem by telling him I don't get fully aroused by him
Positives not negatives. Say "I'd like to do this" not "I'm not satisfied". Word things in terms of things being fine but wanting them to be better not things being bad and becoming mediocre. It's like 101 of getting people to do things for you.
>It's like 101 of getting people to do things for you.
I've never really been the best at non-sassily communicating with people. But you're right that there are more ways to say something.
>So you don't want to do dom-sub stuff but you can't get off without it. What the fuck?
How would you ever expect to resolve that?
I'm also aware that it's extremely paradoxical, which is frustrating. We've been doing it a bit rougher for a while, but I think it just went to fully vanilla again.
I have to say you made a GREAT decision asking us. Go on craigslist and get a straight guy to abuse you and pump and dump that hole. Afterwards promise yourself that you'll never do it again because it's cheating. Do it again because you love the cock. Rinse and repeat until you two break up. Post here about how you hate yourself and the like.
(Not the guy who replied to you btw. Just wanted to tell you that we aren't a good place to ask).
To be fair, aside from your first policy recommendation (which will probably give me an STD) and a few other suggestions, I've gotten some good advice on 4chan.
>I've never really been the best at non-sassily communicating with people
Yeah I always insult the people who like like/love the most and say really positive things about the people I hate. Sometimes I forget I'm doing it too. Varg called me a filthy jew-lover in an email exchange because I was super sassy with him.
>We've been doing it a bit rougher for a while
and has that been better?
>but I think it just went to fully vanilla again
What do you mean it went to fully vanilla again. Like describe what goes on. Is he passionate and aggressive but not dom-doming you or is it more just boring? What's going on here and what do you even want him to do?
Also keep in mind that dom-sub relationships are a two way street and a complementary one at that. I don't really go into that whole hermeticism stuff but one of the central ideas is that inner changes can effect the outside world and for all intents and purposes the inside world is the outside world. Maybe if you tried being really submissive it would illicit and dominate response in him.
Maybe the sub-dom thing isn't something you can do with your boyfriend but maybe something you can do with someone else? Ever thought about doing a threesome? How would your boyfriend feel about including a third person in the bedroom?
ignore this post please
wtf is wrong with you people
I actually insult the people I like most a lot (though they know I'm only joking). I do the same with people I dislike in a non-joking manner.
Being rougher did turn me on more, but I think it wasn't rough enough, as I didn't get totally turned on.
And it was more vanilla in the sense that it was less dominating. He's always passionate, but not really aggressive. I feel like I want to be choked down on his cock, but I'm too afraid of feeling discomfort while being choked.
I also get the point about hermeticism. However, I'm not a submissive person by heart (far from it), so I wouldn't feel comfortable being submissive outside of the bedroom.
I think the major problem here is figuring out what exactly it is you want from the world
>Being rougher did turn me on more, but I think it wasn't rough enough, as I didn't get totally turned on.
So it was actually better and would be better if he did more of that? Now that's something you can work with. Just ask him to do more of that stuff.
>I feel like I want to be choked down on his cock, but I'm too afraid of feeling discomfort while being choked.
Have you had that done to you to know? If not you could try something lighter. Even if he just did a couple things a few times you might be able to picture him as a dominating guy in your mind. Maybe light biting or something? Idunno.
>However, I'm not a submissive person by heart (far from it), so I wouldn't feel comfortable being submissive outside of the bedroom.
Well then that's fine as long as you keep it in the bedroom. Just have a talk with him before that it can't spill out into the rest of your life. I'd initiate the encounter by doing something submissive which might put him into a dominate mood and show him what you want him to do.
I really feel for this guy because I've had sub dudes want me to be dominate but I just don't really wasn't built with any kind of desire to dominate others (one of the reason I never did well in sports). The only way I was really able to do it was by the other guy being feminine and subby which made me want to dominate him. Also one-word encouragement when he does something you like goes a long way. Pavlov that shit.
>So I imagine hot guys abusing me
>I find him really attractive, so that's not the problem.
It feels like there's some breakdown here. Like you said you couldn't imagine your bf doing those things and instead imagined hot guys doing it. Is he attractive in a way that isn't like the guys in your imagination? Is that why you can't imagine him being dom?
It just seems weird that you would say "hot guys" instead of just "guys" since it's your fantasy and we know you're not going to imagine ugly dudes railing you.
I just want to stop feeling/being a degenerate piece of cheating shit by thinking of my boyfriend when I want to get completely aroused.
Now that you say it, it makes a whole lot sense to not just barge in right away with the dominant things. It's also been mostly hypothetical, so I don't know if I'd really hate it. I guess I should just experience it. And positive encouragement would also work a lot.
However, then I'll start doubting myself again by fearing that I won't like any dominant thing because it doesn't feel good, but I still need to think of dominant guys using me to actually cum. Or is this being too rash?
>I just want to stop feeling/being a degenerate piece of cheating shit by thinking of my boyfriend when I want to get completely aroused.
Great, now if you could change anything about the external world to accomplish that goal what would it be? Anything at all.
>However, then I'll start doubting myself again by fearing that I won't like any dominant thing because it doesn't feel good, but I still need to think of dominant guys using me to actually cum.
Well I think part of it is that it doesn't feel good. I don't think anybody gets pleasure from it it's that they get mentally turned on because it doesn't physically feel good. But even if you try it and hate it what's the worst that would happen? Have a safeword and just say "sorry it was just too intense instead let's..." as long as you're enthusiastic about sex you won't hurt his feelings.
You could also try light roleplaying or bondage since those don't hurt but can elicit a submissive mental state.
>I still need to think of dominant guys using me to actually cum
It doesn't sound like you need to do anything really painful to accomplish that.
If you define outside world as "not being my thoughts and body" I'd want my boyfriend to be more bossy and in control.
Now that I think about it, it's more about these guys being in control, as opposed to being dominant per se.
Though I hate being out of control. So a safe word would indeed be a good idea.
Or maybe it's just the need to be told that I'm okay and safe.
I'll have to think about that.
I think the best thing for you to do is read about BDSM culture and its theory. A big part the whole process is about loving, bonding, and making the person feel safe before and after. Like a sort of compression chamber.
Like I said you should read some blogs or some shit.
I'll try that too!
Thanks for the feedback and input.
>So I imagine hot guys abusing me. And my boyfriend is too sweet to imagine him doing that.
Invent a fantasy involving both of these things. Imagine this:
A group of hot guys starts whipping you in the legs with twigs (or whatever your abuse fetish happens to be) except one guy (ur bf) who afterwords with massive guilt of not being able to stop the others comforts you.
Hmm i'm not very good at fan fiction, oh well.