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I know this kind of question has been asked...
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You are currently reading a thread in /lgbt/ - Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender

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I know this kind of question has been asked before, but this time it's slightly different. I'm a gay writer working on a drama novel with a handful of LGBT characters, one of whom is a transwoman. The story takes place at a time where trans resources weren't widely known about, so the character doesn't transition. On top of that, they're past the point of no return concerning masculine appearance to ever be able to pass well.

What I wanted to emphasize about the character was what they feel about themself over what society feels about individuals like them (which I feel most portrayals of trans characters focus too much on). They obviously wouldn't be open about this kind of thing, so their dysphoria and other feelings related to it would be akin the prison cliche you hear a lot of people compare with being trans.

To cut to the chase, I wanna show this character's absolute despair at needing something that will never happen. How even the closest they can ever hope to realistically get to where they want is just not enough.

So pease just tell me more about what it's like to live with something like this. Feel free to ramble or answer any of the following questions:

-What did you do to become more like your desired sex before hormones (if you're on them)? How did that work out?

-Did you ever try to repress your trans-ness? How? Did you do so by trying hard to act like your birth sex? How did that work out?

-How did your behavior/view of yourself change after you realized you were trans? How about after you accepted it?

-How do you cope?

-Before hormones, could others tell there was something 'off' about you?

-How did you come to terms with being trans?

-Do you think you could go your whole life without transitioning? If so, what would you have to change about yourself/lifestyle?

-Do you accept yourself?

-How does it feel to see yourself?

-How does it feel to not pass?

Thanks a lot for any answers you can give. FtMs feel free to chime in, as well.
>>
>>5603449
Ftm here.

>Did you ever try to repress your trans-ness? How? Did you do so by trying hard to act like your birth sex? How did that work out?
Yes, for about 4-5 years I heavily repressed my feelings, by overcompensating and trying to be as female as possible. Drugs, alcohol, and self harm were also pretty day to day ways to cope with all of it.

>How did your behavior/view of yourself change after you realized you were trans? How about after you accepted it?
I was 50/50 when I came to the realization I was trans, alot of the self destructive behavior dwindled when I accepted it, though it took a few extra years to unlearn a lot of confusion from all the repression I had done beforehand.

>How do you cope?
Therapy, talking to friends/family I'm out to, and the occasional drink.

>Before hormones, could others tell there was something 'off' about you?
Absolutely, they didn't know what exactly was wrong, but they knew I was hiding something, and whatever it was made me miserable. I think they suspected I was just gay though.

>How did you come to terms with being trans?
Mostly through therapy and reading other trans people's stories that I connected with., as well as being put at the cross roads of knowing if I don't transition I won't make it 30.

>Do you think you could go your whole life without transitioning? If so, what would you have to change about yourself/lifestyle?
No, not for me personally. I can't imagine being able to cope without transitioning.

>Do you accept yourself?
Working on it.

>How does it feel to see yourself?
Better than it used to, it's getting less and less shit every day.

>How does it feel to not pass?
Sucks, no matter how often I don't or do pass or what kinda day I am having, it always gives me this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, and panic that this will always be how it is.
>>
>>5603755
Thank you
>>
>>5603449
>What did you do to become more like your desired sex before hormones (if you're on them)? How did that work out?

I just got a little affectionate with guys being my feminine self, but took great distance to implying I'm any interested in a gay way. People would usually pick on my female side and subconsciously get protective.

>Did you ever try to repress your trans-ness? How? Did you do so by trying hard to act like your birth sex? How did that work out?
Obviously tried to man up, tried doing sports, tried to convince myself I just need a gf, and in fact I could be all suave around them and get them interested, except it gave me nothing.

>How did your behavior/view of yourself change after you realized you were trans? How about after you accepted it?
I've imagined myself being openly female, and how I'd be like, what my style would look like and how I'd think I'd be a pretty cool gal if I keep to my maleish hobbies.

>How do you cope?
Meds for depressions, smoking weed, drinking alc, distracting myself with some intellectual activities, but soon as I admitted to myself I'm trans I started with contraceptives too.

>Before hormones, could others tell there was something 'off' about you?
Deffo, apparently people knew I'm either gay in a weird way or trans. It might have been subconscious, but I've always been treated carefully and protective.

>How did you come to terms with being trans?
Think I already answered that. Drugs. Then therapy, then more alc, then HRT.

>Do you think you could go your whole life without transitioning? If so, what would you have to change about yourself/lifestyle?
No I'd have killed myself properly last year.

>Do you accept yourself?
Hell yeah.

>How does it feel to see yourself?
I was a pretty alright looking guy, so I tried to look hawt in a masculine way to try and find happiness in seeing myself and getting female attention. That worked pretty alright desu. I was a real cool guy, and that did help cope a bit.

cont.
>>
>>5604378
>How does it feel to not pass?
About as bad as not transitioning at all.

I'm a MtF with surgeries and all. No regrets.
>>
>>5604378
>>How does it feel to see yourself?
Might add now that I see the female me, I always cheer up when I look in the mirror, sometimes I just look and dwell in what I see. It's the direct opposite of what I did before; I tried avoiding seeing myself, just made sure I look alright for a guy. Even avoided looking down my body in the shower.
Might be weird but now I sometimes caress my curves and enjoy how soft they feel.
>>
>>5603449
>What did you do to become more like your desired sex before hormones (if you're on them)? How did that work out?
Go hair out long and where contacts also work out my but and hips to get bigger

>Did you ever try to repress your trans-ness? How? Did you do so by trying hard to act like your birth sex? How did that work out?
I never accepted it from 6-16. I said be a man. I did boy related stuff. It all fell in the end.

>How did your behavior/view of yourself change after you realized you were trans? How about after you accepted it?
I'm a pretty open minded person so when I accepted . I didn't hate it. I just can't live thinking about living life as a man anymore

>How do you cope?
Cope? You can't cope. All you hope for is when you get on hormones you can be treated and act like a normal cis girl.

>Before hormones, could others tell there was something 'off' about you?
Yes, I think everyone in my school already knew and was just waiting

>How did you come to terms with being trans?
its like anything else about me. I want something. I try to get it and normally I do get it.

>Do you think you could go your whole life without transitioning? If so, what would you have to change about yourself/lifestyle?
Nope, I'd kill myself hoping for reincarnation

>Do you accept yourself?
I have no choice. I'm me and I have to live with it for the rest of my life.

>How does it feel to see yourself?
Right now? I can't look at myself in the mirror normally. I get disgusted.

>How does it feel to not pass?
like they gendered you wrong

I hope you can use this a little bit
>>
>>5604486
>Might be weird but now I sometimes caress my curves and enjoy how soft they feel.
lol You too. Funny thing is as a guy everybody thought my skin was soft, now after 21 months HRT it's baby soft and I only moisturize it once a week.
>>
>>5603449
>-What did you do to become more like your desired sex before hormones (if you're on them)? How did that work out?
I'm lifting weights, trying to present more like a dude, even if it only makes me look dykemode as fuck
>-Did you ever try to repress your trans-ness? How? Did you do so by trying hard to act like your birth sex? How did that work out?
Yes, I tried to push it all as teen angst
"Oh, I'm just annoyed by the fact I have to wear bras and breasts are a nuisance!"
"I just don't want a period!!"
"I just don't like using my birth name, it doesn't fit me"
"Don't all girls imagine how better their lives would be if they were boys?"
"Oh I'm just interested in FtM surgeries because I wanna know what my (now ex)boyfriend is gonna go through!"
Freshman year I went through the biggest repression pit of my life, I presented in a ~tomboyish~ way previously, and thought if I forced femininity I would like being a girl and trans thoughts would go away. It didn't work
>-How did your behavior/view of yourself change after you realized you were trans? How about after you accepted it?
I got a lot happier when I did accept it. It took a while for me to settle in and feel comfortable with it, but when I did it felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders.
>-How do you cope?
Painkillers are the cure for everything that ails me. Weed sometimes.
>-Before hormones, could others tell there was something 'off' about you?
tfw no hormones
But yeah, people were able to tell there wasn't something right about me, constantly asking me if I were hiding something
My grandma asked me if I wanted to be a guy after I got a mohawk last year

cont.
>>
>>5604894
>-How did you come to terms with being trans?
I had to seriously think about it, consulted trans friends of mine, listen to stories from other FtM's
>-Do you think you could go your whole life without transitioning? If so, what would you have to change about yourself/lifestyle?
No. I'm slowly dying inside without fucking hormones.
>-Do you accept yourself?
Yes/
>-How does it feel to see yourself?
I'm disgusted by myself and my feminine features
>-How does it feel to not pass?
The most gut-wrenching feeling of all
>>
Thank you, anons, for all your answers
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