I don't know what the fuck to do phamm. I'm really fucked up and a mentally ill individual. I'm so depressed and at this points I can't even tell why, I can barely even observe my own thoughts and I don't know what thoughts of mine are real and what are fake
How do I trust anything
I can't try to see any therapist because they are all to o far and it's not like it even helped when I did before.
How do I just get out of the layers of thought? How do I stop ?
Why have I convinced myself I want to girl ? It hasn't always been this way I used to be normal? I'm just lonely Excaberated by AGP. I can't focus on schoolwork I can't do anything except drink and get high.
How do people do shit while the world is so shitty? Why couldn't I just have been normal or at least with somewhat mild mental disorders? Like come one there are smentally strong people out there who would be much better suited to live inside my head.
Pplease response pic unrelated
I don't know what to say to you bro as you are a total stranger, but I feel like going on a rant.
I'm going to give you the straight up. There's no use sugar coating. This world can be absolutely vicious to human beings. It doesn't give one shit one way or another what happens to us, and to make matters worse there are more ways for things to go wrong than they can go nicely, all things considered.
You've got to tough it out, and start thinking pragmatically. You've got to throw out the view of yourself as a baby needing nurturing and more as an agent capable of making decision and altering circumstances.
This is easier said than done, especially if you have no money and are starting from square one. Nobody else understands your struggle or your pain. It just gets grimmer and grimmer.
That's why you need a fighting spirit. You need to not want to be rescued, or rescue youself. Picture what you want to be, and even if your circumstances don't permit it, use what is available to you to the best of your abilities.
I have no idea what it is like to have AGP. That is some weird shit and I can't even begin to understand what would get into a dudes head to start him thinking like that. Anyways I'm no help there.
It's cliche but you've got to make the best of a shitty situation. That's all there is to it. You need every bit or intelligence and cunning available to you so take yourself seriously.
thanks for response but honestly I'm not sure what to do with that. like if I was a bootstramps person I fwoulnd't be fucked up like I am.
i mean I "get" it like I "get" that you need goals and shit and to "just do ti" to get to them and be a real person and normal but it's just so foreign. it feels like everything is just against me
Fundamentally, a human can have three answers to suffering.
Do nothing: this is easy, and there's a chance the things that are hurting you will go away on their own, even if that's rarely how things work out.
Suicide: you can kill yourself, and will with varying degrees of certainty be freed from the unreasonable situations you are subjected to. Even unsuccessful suicides often result in a greatly changed situation, although not necessarily for the better.
Change something: you can change very nearly anything about your life that is within your power. It needn't even be one of the big problems dragging you down. Just effecting some significant change in your life will provide new context for everything, and may alleviate, or make manageable, those impossible troubles. This is sort of the expert mode option, because sometimes the only way you can change is to "worsen" your situation.
well doing nothing has never worked and i don't think a suicide is really an option yet...
i managed to get myself to go for a run tonight and i feel a bit better. i'll try to make it through tomorrow without any drugs and take it from there i guess. but idk even if i got healthy as fuck that's still not fucking enough
>even if i got healthy as fuck that's still not fucking enough
Probably not. But you have to do something, and you may as well see what your options look like from there. You already know how much the view sucks from where you are now.
AGP is your own hell. AGP with OCD is even worse. I honestly suggest leaving trans boards for awhile so you can form your own story about yourself. Otherwise, you're just going to stay a confused mess.
We all ask the exact same thing
why do I wish to be a girl
why am I convinced that I want to be a girl?
well just accept that fact and you will feel some what better and then dysphoria will kick in and then you will want to kill yourself for being born male
and it also looks like you have severe anxiety
you should go to a normal therapist first
have fun ;)
this is like the only place where there's anybody who kinds of knows what's going through me and idk I just can't pry myself away. like what if I miss something in the meantime that would basically help me fix myself?
I might be inclined to agree with you if it was like those people who come on here every once in a while saying shit
>i've always always thought I was really a girl inside and every night I put a knife to my penis and think of chopping it off and I want to kill myself every tiem someone calls me "sir"
but it's just not like that..
>I can't try to see any therapist because they are all to o far and it's not like it even helped when I did before.
insurance doesn't cover remote sessions and i don't have the money to pay otherwise
>I might be inclined to agree with you if it was like those people who come on here every once in a while saying shit...
"You must be this trans to ride" is a long series of justifications that will ultimately lead you to the same place as if you'd never fallen for that trap. Mine went something like this:
>I can't come out as trans. I'll be disowned. This is fine. I can live with this.
>I must not be trans. A trans person would've started transitioning by now.
>I can't be trans. A trans person would've commit suicide over this.
>I don't need to transition. I don't actively hate my genitals, and can live with my body.
>I shouldn't transition. I'm poor as fuck and I am often able to enjoy myself without.
>I can put off transition until my situation is more stable. I'm still not suicidal.
>But I fantasize about being instantly killed by terrible accidents daily so I can die with no shame brought on my loved ones.
>OK, let's just try it out, a little.
>Oh, that's what being happy is like.
>insurance doesn't cover remote sessions and i don't have the money to pay otherwise
What kind of fucked-up abusive insurance scam are you being hosed by, that they can deny coverage for specialist care prescribed by your GP on the sole basis of physical proximity? What even do they consider "remote"? What kind of backwater hell do you inhabit that has not a single therapist anywhere nearby? Not even one that does rounds through nearby communities?
Started wanting was... 10ish?
I became aware that what I wanted was possible (outside maybe God taking pity and magicing everything better) closer to 15, although the information available was painfully limited, and mostly scare tactics. It wasn't until I was 22 that I was able to access accurate, robust information, and I gave up making excuses at 30.
well but at what point does the list go on?
like i haven't had the same >Oh, that's what being happy is like.
after hormones and really i should rephrase want to be a girl as want to have a female body. imean the social aspect is meh to me and its probably more trouble than it's worth given the many years i've lived as a man anyway. you know like at what point?
>What kind of fucked-up abusive insurance scam are you being hosed by
uhh like literally any American insurance company? I mean https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Remote_therapy
and as far as therapists nearby I should explain that yes there are some but they don't take my insurance which is equivalent to them not being there. and if I were just going to pay out the full amounht I would just do remote with an old therapist i saw that lives in another state
The physical changes have been essential, but I think in my case it wouldn't have worked out as well if I weren't being acknowledged socially. Still, I'm sad that the hormones don't appear to have helped you any.
>uhh like literally any American insurance company?
Sometimes I hate your country. How can that sort of negligence be tolerated, let alone supported?
Congratulations on staying sober, by the way, and best of luck with the working out.
What if I only kinda wanted to look like a girl at around 16 or 17 and as months go by it started getting more intense and I'm scared of further masculinization, can it just be a phase?
Sometimes I'm fine with it, other timesI feel like I'll kill myself if in a few years I'm more masculine.
I don't think I hate being a guy (I'm not sure anymore) , just looking like one.
Ultimately, it's your body. I really wish 17-year old me had been aware of those options, but that's not YOUR situation.
Not quite half of recorded instances of dysphoric feelings originate with the onset and development of secondary sex characteristics; not knowing what's the matter until into puberty is therefore quite common.
If you start on hormones your body will stop masculinizing, and begin feminizing. There are exactly two recorded cases of estrogen insensitivity in humans in medical history, and you would already know if you were one of them. Eventually, you may cease to "pass" as male. Living as a woman isn't something you feel is necessary, but how would you feel if everyone perceived you as one? Because that's a very plausible outcome at your age.
Give it some thought, maybe?
I wouldn't mind, if HRT didn't make me grow breasts I'd probably just become a femboy or something.
I'd be okay with being perceived as a girl, but having to come out and what that implies doesn't seem worth it considering how I don't really feel the need to be seen as a girl.
It's hard for me to know what I want for sure, I think a therapist could help.
I do wonder what would happen if I knew about HRT and how "easy" it was a few years ago, and also wonder if I had never known about it, if I would have been fine.
That about disliking secondary characteristics is a relief, knowing not everyone is a textbook case, I'm not sure if I'm making any sense.
Basically knowing not everyone is the same and they can just hate some characteristics.
I wanted some validation by a doctor though, to be sure if it's what I want, I might consider seeing one.
If, unlike OP, you have access to a therapist, it's a good idea to get hold of one. Especially if you're questioning.
The textbook case (knew as soon as could communicate, possibly earlier; clear on gender identity immediately; hateful of other-gendered socialization; needs SRS as soon as available) exists, but it's hardly the only case, or even the most common.