I'm not a really attractive man, but I'm average enough to still get some attention fairly easily.
I started hooking up because I wanted to feel what being with another man felt like. It was awful for the most part, because as in every hooking up, the objective was only to fuck.
But there were moments when they would put their arms around me, kiss the back of my head and the tip of my ears. That felt nice.
I realized I wanted affection, not sex. Also I understood that I wouldn't find that fucking on the first date, or not having a date at all.
I make that clear when a new guy starts paying me attention. Usually, that drives them away. I'm not saying they're wrong for doing that. If they enjoy hooking up and only that, I can respect that.
But for me, it doesn't.
I dream of having someone show me affection. Sincere affection. I've never had that.
I know my father is deeply dissapointed because I'm gay. He started to pretend he isn't when they noticed how depressed I was, but he's never been a good liar.
I guess that's why I look up to older men. Fuck, just thinking about one taking care of me, being proud of me, just thinking about that, that I might find that one day... gives me hope.
I wasn't depressed before. I had a boyfriend once. He told me he loved me, but he left me for someone else. You don't do that to someone you love. I think he really never loved me.
I was blessed to be born being attractive enough to get other guys to fuck me. But sex has lost its meaning for me. I want to be held, I want to be looked after, I want to have someone who cares when I'm feeling happy or sad.
My life is good. I'm doing good at college, and I have a job that even if it's shitty, it let's gives me enough money to live comfortably.
But what is the point of doing well in life when no one cares?
I don't know where I'm going with this. I just feel like I've hit rock bottom tonight. My parents are on vacation, they told me to take care of a few stuff at their place.
I took a pair of briefs from my father's wardrobe. I'm not attracted to him at all, but they still smell like a man. I'm imaginning they're from a man who loves me, and that that's is his scent, and that I can smell it as I'm going to bed, becaue he's actually literally sleeping with me tonight, not ditching me off once he got to shoot his load. He's sleeping with me and he loves me. Someone finally loves me.
If imagining that is what it'll take to get through this night, then I'll do it. I want to think I don't have to give up yet.
I don't know what's the point of this post. I don't know why I'm posting this. I just needed to concentrate on something because otherwise I would just keep crying, and I really want to sleep.
>I took a pair of briefs from my father's wardrobe. I'm not attracted to him at all, but they still smell like a man.
Muah good night OP xoxo
Your not alone in your pain we all go through similar feelings. The thing with feelings is that they're constantly changing so you will have your good times and bad times. But dont ever put everything you have into how your feeling because at any moment things can change. Take a shower, brush your teeth, and listen to music to fall asleep to (: xo
OP, your father is shit. He's mad at himself because he can't raise you right and feels like its too late. Now for the rest of your life you will be desiring a big strong man to hold you at night because Daddy never did.
Tell your dumbass daddy to fuckoff. He never had affection for you and so you now want it from anyone else.
Be safe out there OP. Be smart. Just go find dudes to go camping with
>But what is the point of doing well in life when no one cares?
I'm sorry for blogging this stupid shit. I'm cringinf hard at myself now I returned my dad's underwear to his drawer. Wtf was I thinking)
Thanks for trying to cheer me up. I wish I could just give up and stop caring but I don't know how to do that.
Something good happened to me today. But it just made me sad because I keep thinking on how nice it'd be to have someone to share it with. Not even thinking about a boyfriend. Just someone who cares.
I mean I have a couple of friends but they havee their lives too so we rarely talk anymore. I texted them the good news and no one replied. I try not to seem sad when I'm around them because I know no one likes to be around depressed people. They must've figured, I guess.
It's just so hard being alone all the time, and every time I try to meet new people they get tired of me quickly. Can't blame them, though. I wouldn't be around me either.