posted this in /adv/ and figured it might be worth posting here as well
Hi /adv/, gonna throw a curveball here. If this ends up too long there will be further posted below in the comments. Thanks to all who take the time to read, and let me know if this would be more fit to post in /lgbt/.
SO I've been dating a girl for a year and a half. For approximately two years leading up to me meeting her, I had been wanting to start my male to female transition. It's something that I'd wanted to do for a long time, but that period was when I'd decided I wanted to go through with it and decided to take the steps to make it happen. I don't know why I started dating a girl and not tell her, probably cause I was repressing. Anyways fast forward about 6 months into the relationship and I tell her, start transition, etc. life is good now. This isn't the focus of the post, just the context.
So here I am now, a year later. I don't know what exactly is happening, but I'm not attracted to her any more. I still think she's beautiful, I have no ill will against her, if it weren't for these changing feelings of attraction and sexual desire our relationship would be ideally perfect, save the occasional arguments over dumb stuff that gets solved an hour later anyways.
Now I've never, EVER in my life been attracted to boys (although when I was younger I experimented with my childhood best friend frequently, however I had no idea what I was doing, just that getting my dick sucked felt good, although not proper -> insert trans feels) but recently...this is changing. Not in the way that I would say I'm totally 100% interested in guys now. But for example, if I were to watch porn that had a Male/Female and a Female/Female, I'd choose to watch the Male/Female because I identify with getting absolutely piped over anything a girl could do for me. I'm extremely picky about men however, and don't tend to find one attractive unless we've spoken for a while and made a real connection.
Is this the case for cis women as well? I'm beginning to think attraction towards women my entire life was not actually attraction and instead jealousy or envy of their bodies and that attraction is instead something that is built up over time by bonding with people and having feelings develop. I can look at a guy and obviously say "ugly" or "hot" but I wouldn't feel attracted to either of them unless there was a connection and we spoke a lot and got to know each other and I ended up liking who the person is. Have I actually just been feeling false attraction my entire life and I didn't know cause nobody told me differently? Am I actually as straight as a board?
For the last month and a half my girlfriend has been home and the only real sexual interactions we've had have been me fingering her out of pity because I'm not attracted enough to have full blown sex with her. If you told me this 6 months ago I'd laugh at you. It's extremely weird, I find vaginas extremely gross now, I avoid giving her head at all costs, just the entire female reproductive system isn't nearly attractive to me as the male version (though I still wish I had the female parts, irony?)
I don't know what to do. I love her, yeah. I don't want to be away from her, but I want to be with a man as well. The real struggle is that I'm currently living with her and her mom because my parents and I are not on good terms, and I'm in no position to move out yet (probably not until summer-fall this year, still saving money). I love her, I love her family, I love us. But sexually speaking? Romantically? Attraction? None of it's there any more. I don't know what to do, and sex is a huge focus in my life so this is really difficult.
>I can look at a guy and obviously say "ugly" or "hot" but I wouldn't feel attracted to either of them unless there was a connection and we spoke a lot and got to know each other and I ended up liking who the person is
is this not what you used to feel towards girls? how did attraction to girls work for you?
either way this relationship doesnt sound like its working out anymore. you should prolly at least explain all this to her, your feelings and shit
Give it a bit more time and you'll be drooling over men and stop having impossible standards for them. Same thing happened to me, except I didn't have a gf at the time (which I am thankful for).
Nowadays I just don't care about the sex of my partners anymore. I like being with girls, I like being with guys, each have their own benefits (usually a deeper emotional bond with other women, and more sensual stuff with guys).
My advice would be to just stick with your girlfriend and wait it out. It might be necessary for you to sleep with a guy to get over this, but it might not be necessary either. Just see where this will take you. Hell, if you think she's the type, tell her about it and ask if you can experiment with guys to figure stuff out. It certainly helped me, but then again, I wasn't in a relationship at that point.
She's way too jealous to let me do any of that ever, and I could never do that to her. "You're not satisfying me right now so I'm gonna go see if someone else can do the trick. If they do, peace out! If not, I'll come back and we'll pretend it didn't happen."
Yeah. That doesn't sit right with me at all.
I think that what's happening to you is completely normal. I've read about sexuality being a fluid thing and changing with time, depending on many circumstances, and while I'm not sure if it's true for everyone, it seems to be a case for you. I don't think your attraction wasn't valid in past - your preferences just changed, and, seeing how it happened right after you started transitioning, it probably played a huge role in these changes. Or maybe it was envy. Both are possible, I guess.
As for how it happens with cis women, it depends. I'm a cis woman (although I still question my gender a lot), and my attraction to both men and women works like this - I can get sexually attracted to someone based on appearance and first impression only, but in order to establish a romantic connection or actually have sex with them I have to spend time with them and get to know them as closely as possible. I know several women, both cis and trans, who say that they expirience this differently from me, though, so it depends.
Now, for your girlfriend - I think you should tell her the truth. She will notice that something's erong sooner or later, and it would be disrespectful to hide the change in your feelings from her. Be honest, as hard as it sounds. If you want to keep the relationship and she is fine with a non-sexual relationship, you two can work through it. Who knows, your desire for her might return one day. If you need sex with men, you can ask her for an open relationship or just ask her to let you experiment with guys for a while. If she agrees, that's awesome. If things don't work out, you can try to part ways with no hard feelings from either side, it's not anyone's fault.
Read your answer to the previous poster, disregard the last part. Still, I think it would be for the best to tell her the truth once you're ready, but it's okay to wait and see if anything changes.
Yeah, no. The entire world isn't a little tumblr fantasy land where people in a long term, committed, monogamous relationship will let you go sleep with other people and get it out of your system just because there was open communication.
>Is this the case for cis women as well?
No, it's not. That doesn't usually happen unless someone was repressing some feelings or had some extreme trauma at some point in life. That's why a lot of gay advocacy groups would say that sexual orientation is largely set in stone, because not only is that easier to explain, but it's true for the vast majority of the population.
It's hard to say why you think that, though. Could be any number of the things you've mentioned, could be all of them, could just be what I've heard some guys do when they think they want cock but they try it out and discover that they actually don't and it was just a fantasy that didn't work out in practice. I'd probably break up with her, though, if sex is as big a deal as you say it is, because it will inevitably break your relationship at some point due to the friction, and it would be easier on both parties to explain this now before things get really heated.
Then what do you propose you do? Cheat on her? Opening up a relationship that has been a long time monogamous and dedicated almost always means that one side's effectively getting cucked and is just doing it for the other person anyway; if you want an open relationship, the best way to get a genuine one is to set that up right at the beginning, not effectively trap people when it's gone on for so long.
What're the alternatives, do you think?
I attempted to cheat on her onces and less than 30 seconds into the date I had a nervous breakdown and went home. Didn't help that the dude was extremely ugly, but still it was more moral than anything. I thought if I could just go hook up with that dude and get it out of my system I'd be able to return to what we used to be. I'd still consider trying it, but again I don't think I can do it, morally.
Depending on your morals OP this is the route you should take.
You feel as though, sexually, your relationship is in a dead end, yes? So here's what you do, as if you don't make some moves, the relationship is probably going to come to a bitter end anyways so it's time to take risks. Go cheat on her with a man. This gives you a handful of possible outcomes.
1) That dick is incredible and motivates you to leave her
2) That dick is incredible and satiates your thirst and you're able to love her again
3) That dick is awful and you realize you don't actually like men
4) She finds out and puts your ass on the curb
5) You enjoy it, she finds out, but loves you too much to turn you down so you end up cucking her
That's 4 positive outcomes, 1 negative. An 80% chance of things going your way. Sounds like a risk I'd be willing to take if I were in your shoes.
get a place to move into lined up. then just talk to her about it and go from there. you most likely will break up, and worst case scenario she kicks you out, but if you are not attracted to someone theres no point to keep going in a romantic relationship.
you can platonically love someone yes.
and op could wind up in a situation like that if her gf sticks with her and supports her, but there is no point in dragging on in a relationship when op has no sexual attraction to her partner. In any case you should always prep for the worst.
>I'm extremely picky about men however, and don't tend to find one attractive unless we've spoken for a while and made a real connection.
It isn't unheard of for somebody to need to feel a connection to somebody before they can have sexual feelings for that person. I forget what they call it.