I'm a MTF and everyone on this board that is MTF is depressing. I'm going though the same shit yet I have only had one panic attack and a couple of days of super severe anxiety.
I guess everyone thinks differently
We're not sad all the time about everything, are we? Usually even the most miserable posters here are sometimes happy about something...
It's the 7 years of drugs, depression and suicidal thoughts I went through instead of just being myself. Now I think it's too late to transition and am confused in general about my sexuality.
Man goes to doctor.
Says he's depressed.
Says life seems harsh and cruel.
Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain.
"Treatment is simple.
Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight.
Go and see him.
That should pick you up."
Man bursts into tears.
"But doctor... I am Pagliacci.”
we think differently?
I have panic attacks on a weekly basis, I'm 21 years old and I have yet to experience intimate physical touch with a fellow member of my own species, I'll literally never be a petty teenage girl
not in a billion years
I get to live alone and die for the rest of time
I am pretty happy most of the time, but part of that is probably because I only wander in here occasionally when bored. I've never had a panic attack, and almost every experience I've had has been amazing. Definitely had some anxiety before doing some new things at first, but you have to get out there to get through it.
I survived my first time out in a bikini, I survived getting ogled in dance clubs with friends, and I have gotten used to going to karaoke with my girl friends. Every time out is a bit tense at first, but it becomes normal.
It's because I have nothing to live for.
>I started HRT at 20, when I already have a man's jaw, skull shape, feet, hands, shoulders, voice, facial hair, and ribs; plus, my hips are probably done growing. Thinking about how long my hair might be if I had come out sooner makes me sad.
>My mother is completely unsympathetic to my pain.
>My father is more sympathetic, but he doesn't seem to think transition is a good idea or that this is more than a phase.
>Even if they had been supportive when I came out or I could turn them around, it would be too little, too late. They have no money and a lot of debt already.
>Surgery is ridiculous anyway. It only allows you to look like a woman from a greater amount of angles, but not all of them. There are some things surgery can't change. And surgery or the surgeon have the chance of fucking your life up permanently even further.
>My GPA was all fucked up in high school (2.99, I think) after an unimpressive, but respectable and effortless 3.4 in middle school. My first semester of college got me a decent 3.5, by the way. I honestly don't know most of the math shit my high school transcript says I do.
>I was supposed to start at the state engineering school as a computer engineering student (what a stereotype, huh?) the past semester, but I procrastinated for registration to the point they were full and I had to take some general classes at the nearby community college.
>I procrastinated again, and I will likely have to do this semester at community college as well.
>At my high school graduation, I wasn't given any awards because my performance in everything was dropping with my paper-thin justification of a life falling apart as I came to unpleasant realizations, and my teachers could tell. I sat there in the front row as they called names with the knowledge that if I had been at my best, I could have seen myself getting any of them.
>The only reason I graduated was out of the good graces of the administrators' hearts.
>I spent two years after high school doing nothing with my life because I only planned on killing myself.
>The year after I graduated, I started applying really late because I procrastinated again. There wasn't really time for teachers who were no longer my teachers to spend time writing recommendation letters for an idiot who had their chance when they have their own current students they have to help.
>I have always been cowardly. I never stood up for my brothers when they needed help with the exception of one time. I was too scared to try cross-dressing or makeup until testosterone already destroyed me. Whenever other girls tried to convey their attraction to me, I just pretended to not notice until they gave up instead of telling them straight out that I wasn't interested. There was one girl two years my junior in high school that I regret doing that to particularly. She persisted in it for so long, that I felt I had robbed her of a high school romance. She seemed so fragile and sensitive that I wanted to support her, but since I was her uninterested target, I couldn't. I hope she's doing well and has found a nice man.
>My city is dangerous and I don't have a method of transportation beyond the bus or getting a ride from one of my parents or my brother. A nearly 21 year old person without a license! (I have car and motorcycle permits, but I have neither of the vehicles to call my own and my road tests are in a month)
>I have already been knocked out once. My father said trying to fight against three was brave of me, but I was just stupid.
>I kept every potential friend away. I don't do social things online, either, so I don't even have online friends.
>I put everything in life on hold in the hopes of picking them up after an early, successful transition, while being too stupid to realize I had to do something to achieve it. I sought to leave the most minimal presence of my life as a male for after transition by not living at all. As a result, I have stunted my life experiences and myself as a person. I ended high school with no extra curriculars. Looking over my senior yearbook for the first time, which had photos of my schoolmates enjoying school life and whose only photos of me had been those that were the required minimum, left me with the feeling that maybe I had made the wrong choice, and that while this was the result I wanted, it's left me feeling empty.
>I filled the resulting gap in my time with RuneScape and anime. And when the ordinary relationships between characters in anime made me sad (Azumanga Daioh, for example), I rationalized my melancholy away by telling myself no one had a life like that, and it killed the desire to make an attempt at any life.
>I realized while answering an alumni survey from the high school I graduated from how much I failed to take advantage of life and the opportunities that other students did.
>My chances are slim of getting a boyfriend I want, and even if I were given that miracle, I wouldn't deserve him.
>Worse yet, when I see or hear about pre-pubertal transitioners whose lives have gone well, I get annoyed for seeing the life I could have had. I don't hate them for it and I like to hear that at least someone made it out of this trans business happy, but I only hate myself more for being so cowardly and stupid enough to end up in this position.
I built up a life of regrets and I struggle to think of a single moment where I did something right. I'm certain the few people I know would struggle to think of something I did correctly as well. I've allowed myself to be outpaced by anyone. My only hope is to die on the motorcycle that I don't have, or buy a gun the state won't allow me to buy. It's morbidly funny my parents think I want to breathe at all, though I haven't told them just how deep the rabbit hole goes. Sure, I would like to see what will happen over the coming decades, from what will happen to my family, technology, and my classmates, to other things I can't think of, but what I would have to go through to see those things is too large a burden to want life any longer. The strangest sensation is feeling like I can go back and do it over, that these occurrences can be prevented, but then I remember that that isn't the present I live in any longer.
>Why are MTFs sad all the time?
Because we want to live as and look like women, but have the physiology of men.
Basically, testosterone is a really fucking powerful hormone. It can make pretty much any trans man pass, but'll totally fucking stop most trans women from ever passing.
What's strange is being trans has had the opposite effect that most people here are experiencing, I'm extremely confident and strong emotionally, also helps that I'm smart and enjoy my growth as a person both physically, mentally and socially.
I come here and feel sad at all the transgirls stuck in a depressing feedback loop of negativity, not knowing that thinking the same negative things over and over again burns the tracks into your mind making it easier for them to keep thinking that way.
Being trans is something I had to deal with at a very young age, as a result I got stronger, it seems the people here fell down the pit and started to almost enjoy it and make excuses to stay there.
New rule: if you're less than one standard deviation from the mean you don't get to complain.
>Being trans is something I had to deal with at a very young age
fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you
you don't know pain
>a very young age
you will never know pain
>you will never know pain
When I was 15 I got into an accident, a large part of my face and neck got ripped off and I was unable to walk for months, this was before I transitioned but knew I was trans.
I got over it and I'm stronger for it, maybe you never felt real pain?
That's why you're a emotional pussy.
How can you not be sad when all you want is to be a girl or fuck that. just pass, pass somewhat and then you look in the fucking mirror and see an ugly dude with shaving scars everywhere and hair regrowing on your fucking nipples even though you used an expensive-as-fuck hair removal cream on them just last night, how the fuck do you not get sad about that is beyond me
>I put everything in life on hold in the hopes of picking them up after an early, successful transition, while being too stupid to realize I had to do something to achieve it. I sought to leave the most minimal presence of my life as a male for after transition by not living at all. As a result, I have stunted my life experiences and myself as a person.
Whelp, this about sums up my life. Your story hits me hard because we're pretty similar, even the same age. I was a lifeless husk in high school and it got even worse when I went to community college. I planned to major in computer science but found myself too incompetent and depressed and later dropped out.
I'm finally trying to dig myself out of this hole. Within the next couple weeks I should hopefully have my license and be on hrt.
I know it's hollow coming from a random anon, but I hope you find something worth living for.
>tfw at least one other person understands how fucking hopleless you are
>they'd still never give you the time of day let alone take your eye-contact virginity
>implying i ever look at people or let them look at me
It hurts much less when you embrace the neet hikikomori lifestyle. Online I can be whoever I want and have people form their own mental image of me rather than the beyond repair state that my body ended up in thanks to genes and puberty.
I'm sad because my perception of myself was destroyed by the T.
I am sad because I had a chance to transition at 18 but nooo
> College will fix me...
It didn't, and I droped out anyway it costed my family a small fortune that could be spend on my srs.
I'm sad because I never had anyone in my life. At least now I understand why. I was pretty bad at being male.
I'm almost 21, been full time since 17, am rather pretty (or so people tell me), and have a very magnetic personality yet still a kissless virgin. Its mostly due to the fact that I don't like most people and have a hard time trusting people, specifically guys, enough to form an intimate relationship.
>I know it's hollow coming from a random anon, but I hope you find something worth living for.
Don't wish that on me, I've suffered life long enough. I just hope my life ends soon. And I am glad that someone felt my story is relatable.
I'm only sad because others pass and I never will. The ones who pass need to be gassed.
Not just mtf's, cutie.
Everyone is sad nowadays. The most happy ones are the ones who make jokes to supress depression.
Everyone will die one day. And many of them doesn't even know how to live.
A lot of people have a reactive imagination. Meaning they imagine what could happen based on what has happened. For trans, that's likely a lot of pain. Imagining pain to try and avoid it, ironically attracts more pain into your life.
As opposed to having a creative imagination; where a person is imagining things that they want, and believes that they're unconditionally deserving to receive that from the universe, and receives more of that.
People rarely do the latter, we believe the bad scenario could be real but the good scenario is just fantasy. We put little to no belief in our potential happiness and put it all on how to escape suffering. It's like trying to separate your fingers from a Chinese finger trap by pulling them apart, when the mechanism requires you to bring them together. Our minds are either divided between what we want and don't want. Or is just focusing on what we don't want. So it either divides its creative power into fragments, or it focuses it all on pain.
You learn that behaviour from frequent disappointments. Eventually you expect the worst case so that you can not really be disappointed anymore, cause obviously it hurts and it's just primal to try and avoid that.
In all honesty I'm happier now than I have ever been in my life (at least that I can remember) HRT is doing great and exciting things, I finally am starting to not want to die whenever I look in a mirror, I dont actually dread tomorrow coming but look forward to it instead.
However, the general reality of much of my life has been such overwhelming misery, that I had long since acquired a bitter outlook on the world. The reason I am now less functional than I ever was before, and perhaps still exordinarily depressed is only more evident because my mood has improved such that I am able to express my emotions . Despite my depression I am now optimistic for the future, I am excited for what tomorrow may bring, and I dont spend every waking moment filled with dread for fear of the next. I have hope now, which is something I never had before.