Thread replies: 9
Thread images: 2
Thread images: 2
Anonymous
just a mtf rant, don't feel the need to reply 2016-01-14 22:55:18 Post No. 5549145
[Report] Image search: [Google]
just a mtf rant, don't feel the need to reply 2016-01-14 22:55:18 Post No. 5549145
[Report] Image search: [Google]
File: Screenshot_2016-01-14-17-31-43.png (522KB, 1280x800px) Image search:
[Google]
522KB, 1280x800px
just a mtf rant, don't feel the need to reply
Anonymous
2016-01-14 22:55:18
Post No. 5549145
[Report]
Long post, but I have to rant somewhere right now.
I've had dysphoria for over two years, I could go to my Dr, but I'm not.
I'm scared I'm not who I was when I was I kid, who I thought I was the past two years, and who the fuck I'm going to be in the future. I'm genuinely terrified of where I'm heading, or who I'll be
Finding the dysphoria. Browsing /lgbt/, see a mtf timeline thread, seeing this girl, after like 2 and a half years.
And I fucking cried. Non stop, for ages and ages, and posted emotional, almost nonsensical things, like how she " had come to a place filled with hate, and came out smiling". And now I look, and I realise my dysphoria has dissipated, faded down. I feel empty most of the time, but when it kicks in, as rare as it is, it kicks hard! I feel destroyed by the smallest things, but the major stuff, like being bullied for it, just doesn't hurt. But being called "boy" by my dad causes me to uncontrollably break down.
I don't know if I want to be a woman, but I know I don't want to be a man. And as much as I hate it, it could just be a really long phase I'm going through, but I dread the thought.
I feel dirty, when I wear boxers, and spray lynx, get changed with the boys, or wear masculine clothes. I feel wrong with a deep voice, or broadening shoulders, and yet when I dress more feminine, I feel like i shouldn't be doing so. Granted this may be due to the clothes being stolen, or sometimes the wrong size, but I feel it shouldn't be like this.
Maybe I'm literally just like my dad, go through a phase, and become an old man, with a simple family. Or maybe I'll just hang myself to make the fucking emptiness and pain go away. I tried to kill myself once, as you can see I failed. No one properly knows this, and probably never will.
I feel sick, not ill as such, but sickened by the thought of my self, and being me forever. But I know I should be grateful for all that I have, I have such a great life compared to some. I'm just being greedy now.
>>
>>5549145
I still call myself he sometimes, and when I do, I feel my heart screw up into a little ball, sharp pain shocking my body. I don't complain at my freinds as much as I used to for pronouns. I'm not as overwhelmed with emotion as I used to be.
Is my dysphoria going, or am I just growing accustomed to it constantly crushing my spirit.
I've been aware of my mental state growing more and more unstable recently, sleep becoming more irregular, angering quicker, crying or nearly crying very often. Sudden depression, or loneliness. Sometimes mental hallucinations, or conversations with the different opinions in my head, out loud usually.
I push all my freinds and family away, every partner Ive had I've rejected and hurt, and get right now, when I fell I need them the most, I keep forcing them away from me.
I get so easily annoyed, angered, or upset about how I look al the time, and am becoming overly sensitive to comments about my self.
I guess I'm just another bitching tranny online though, never happy, never satisfied, just another fucking stereotype! Well fuck you, maybe I am, and as much as it sucks, I gotta deal with it, so maybe you can be a bit understanding.
>>
>>5549145
You are clearly severely depressed and in dire need of therapy. I hope for your sake you can get the help you need. And with somebody who understands trans issues. I'm depressed myself, for other reasons, and finally had my first session today after years of wanting to kill myself. "It gets better" is such a cliché, but sometime those are true. Don't give in.
Also, if you feel you want to vent online, go to Something Awful. They have the equivalent of a transgen forum, but with 0 shitposting since it's moderated, and some pretty supportive people. 4channers will just be mean; not all of them but inevitably some. Good luck, anon.
>>
>>5549145
I sincerely hope You gonna be ok. Goodluck my beautiful friend.
>>
>>5549308
Jesus christ what is wrong with you?! Something Awful is a diseased hole from which all evil emanates.
>>
>>5549183
The best way to deal with mental health problems is to get help from a therapist and a psychiatrist. You can't think yourself out of disordered thinking!
>>
>>5550246
Used to be, but lately parts of it are heavy moderated, and I know they have a few trans mods that take bullying seriously.
>>
>>5549145
Hang in there op do not try killing yourself.you are not anhero
>>
>>5549183
What do you look like?
Thread posts: 9
Thread images: 2
Thread images: 2