>>5528261 At least if he had died on me, I would have known he died loving me. But no - he left me, instead. And I'll never see him again - I'll never see his expression light up with delight at seeing me, or hear him tell me that he's missed me, or how much he loves me; worse still, I never will be able to hold him to me, and comfort him, or be able to kiss him and know the taste of his mouth.
I was never so hurt as the time when - after the break-up - I went to one of his social media accounts, and saw him talking to someone (I don't know if they were merely friends, or maybe even beginning to fall for each other, or maybe they had no relation, beyond that of someone replying to a comment) about something unremarkable. But then I saw my ex- mention me briefly. Nothing bad or even good: it was simply an objective statement. He said: "Oh, yeah, an ex-boyfriend of mine said that too."
Something hit me when I saw him referring to me as an "ex-boyfriend." I guess it just drove everything home. I was just another one in a list of exes to him, and that's all I would ever be.
Unlike you, though, I have no idea how he is doing. I don't want to find out, because, similar to you, even thinking of him causes me pain, sometimes bordering on the physical. The thought of going on his social media profile or his website and seeing his face again or how he's doing makes me start to hyperventilate.
Like you, I want to die. It's no life, without him. I'm so sad and miserable. Everyone told me I'd get over it and stop being "melodramatic" in a few months, but it's almost a year now, and I feel just as bad.
>>5528498 >he told you he loved you >he said you were the best thing that had ever happened to him >he said he wanted to marry you and be with you forever >he said you were beautiful and attractive >he actually wanted your company and attention >just leaves one day, doesn't even seem that upset, doesn't give any kind of real reason and acts annoyed when you cry and ask what you did wrong
God-damn you, you son of a bitch, I just wanted to be with you.
>>5528490 You are doing good in avoiding his social media. Nothing good ever comes of it. I do it because sometimes I just NEED to know what's going on on his life. It's so strange. I'm happy that he's happy, but I hate knowing that I'm not the one making him happy.
It sounds like you have people around you who at least care enough to listen to you talk about him. I think you should think about that when you're feeling like giving up. Sometimes we don't realize the consequences our actions have on the ones we love.
I do think time heals everything eventually. The thing is that sometimes it takes longer than we thought, or wished.
>>5528549 >It sounds like you have people around you who at least care enough to listen to you talk about him
What makes you think I have anyone to talk to, Anon? When I said 'everyone', I was referring to people on this board. I don't have friends - I don't have a social life. I don't really have anyone that cares for me or loves me. Sure, there's my father, but I don't particularly care (in fact, I still resent my parents greatly, because they ruined the meet-up me and him had planned and put so much time into).
And I'm not better than you - I didn't check his social media, but I sent him an e-mail as recently as November (I had stopped sending him messages on other accounts earlier in the year, because he threatened with a restraining order).
I still log-in to that e-mail account every few days, to check if he's answered. I always feel so depressed to see that empty mailbox. I want to cry thinking of how it will stay empty forever. I still have the fantasy that he will come back, someday.
I was so convinced he would talk to me on Christmas. I kept my phone on me, put it on max volume. I don't know why I thought that. It just seemed like it would happen. But the dates came and went... nothing.
I'm 30 and I've been holding feelings like this since I was 20. There was "the one" who fucked me up and left for no reason and made it hard to trust anyone again. 10 years later and I still think about him every day. I've had flings and hookups and boyfriends since then, but it's just a pale shade of what could have been. I still sit around and think about him for hours at a time, pulling that scab off every day, and I don't think it will ever go away.
I think I've read your story a couple of times before. The restraining order thing rings a bell.
The holidays sure were difficult. In my case, I had a couple of dates before them with another guy. They were great because I felt comfortable around him. But one day he simply stopped talking to me. When it became obvious he wouldn't say anything to me, I tried to talk with him but he cut me off quickly. I dont know what made him lose his interest so suddenly.
Thinking about it, it was a good thing. Really, I just wanted to be with him because I wanted to show my ex I'm doing fine too.
>>5528639 I never had sex with him. I never met him in person. We lived in different states. We planned to meet up - I paid for his plane ticket. He made all the plans (he was poor, even getting to the airport was an entire fiasco he had to deal with).
But then my parents found out about our relationship. They forbade him from staying at our place. I only had ~$100 left. I should have used that money to get something, even if it meant the cheapest hotel - I should have stood up to them. But I didn't. I was afraid, and acquiesced. I didn't argue or fight back. I excused it by saying I was also afraid of getting kicked out, and that I would need that $100, since I was also a NEET. Perhaps. But because of it, he ended up not coming.
God, how I regret it. I hate my parents so much for it, but I also hate myself for not fighting for him. I could have held him and kissed him - it was so close. I still believe if we had met, he would not have broken up with him.
He broke up with me about a month later. The week before he broke up, he discussed the possibility of using some money he had stashed away to buy a one-way ticket for me on my birthday, which was coming up: the plan was to leave everything behind and go live with him. At the time, I was apprehensive, and said 'let's think about it'.
I should have said 'yes'. God-damnit, I should have said 'yes', because fuck this city and fuck my parents. Maybe if I'd said 'yes' right away, I could have been with him right now: poor, but infinitely happy, instead of being miserable here, crying every day and working a dead-end job I hate, with no friends or close ones and contemplating suicide every day.
My situation before meeting him was similar. I was still in high school back then, so I couldnt do much on my own without my parents. But my relationship with them was already fucked up so I didnt care when they didnt approve of it.
I guess I was lucky in the end. But yeah, I can think of many instances where I utterly fucked up as well. I try not to torture myself with that, But it's hard not to think about it sometimes
>>5529117 I don't know. He said many things: first he gave the whole "it's not you it's me" crap, then he went on about "you'll never understand me because our upbringings are too different", then he talked about how 'some comment [you] made really pissed me off' (even though the comment wasn't even directed at him, fucking white knight), and a bunch of other shit which I Can only half-remember
>>5530714 Damn m8, that does sound like a bunch of horseshit. I'm sorry that all happened to you, it's not easy, especially when you're feeling so hopeful and you want nothing more to actually be able to see and hold them.
Keep your chin up. You sound like a cool dude and I don't doubt you'll find someone better.
>>5530714 That's shit, man. While you're probably a pretty awesome motherfucker, maybe he was just experimenting and couldn't get over his own shit, you know? Fucking tool, bro. Wish that hadn't happened to ya.
>Have massive trust issues from a life of being abused >Meet him, become friends with benefits >Didn't think it was anything serious, didn't treat it as anything serious >Eventually realize that we have feelings for each other >He likes me, that much is obvious at this point >Still treat it like it was nothing, that it wasn't going anywhere and to not get my hopes up >Finally realize that I'm only ever really happy when I'm around him >Realize that I actually love him >Just as soon as I did, he had found someone else >Was never happy since
>>5528123 anon, I think being left if one of the worst feeling in life. The only thing I can say is that this should not make you take people at distance, don't do like me, don't forget how to be nice and love.
>>5532875 He left me on Valentine's Day, too. Just minutes before he called to break up with me, I was happy about something concerning him... I can't remember it now. But I think it was because I was going to send him a present, for Valentine's Day. It would have been something simple, like a handwritten letter,and a card, or something like that.
I think I'm going to get drunk on that day.
I met him on /r9k/, and he told me browsed /lgbt/ for the Skype threads - I wonder if he's stopped browsing, knowing full well that I make threads about him
>>5533373 I dropped out, too. I was trying to do some other shit to make my parents proud (tried to get into the fire department, then police department), but said fuck it. Working a low tier job, but at least making enough to support myself.
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