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What to do if you're being misgendered...
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You are currently reading a thread in /lgbt/ - Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender

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What to do if you're being misgendered in public or asked about your gender /lgbt/?

long story short
>been taking hormones for years
>still in guymode, because I thought I was a total hon -but apparently I'm getting androgynous
>had a job interview couple of days ago, dressed up slightly more elegant but still menclothes
>on an escalator I hear some teens laughing and whispering
>almost at the top when one of them asks me outright whether I'm a boy or a girl
>so shocked I can't even make a sound so I shrug and with a condescending smile walk off
>can't decide whether I should feel complimented or harrassed

I mean..how do you even react to something like this? I'm assuming these things are going to be more frequent now
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>how do you even react to something like this?

Answering the question que way you like?

I'm used to people misgendering me, asking my sex, or asking if I am trans, so I don't find this unusual at all.
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>>5502190
the*
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>>5502171

You act the same way as a masculine woman or a feminine man who gets misgendered: be an adult and decide how to react on your own.

I mean, I get asking for ways to cope with problems when you don't know how to deal with them, but you really want someone else's opinion on how you should feel? Because that's honestly what your answer comes down to: respond with whatever you're comfortable using as a response. Don't want to deal with trans shit today? Say you're a man. Don't want to hide behind a mask you didn't choose? Say you're a woman. Don't want to humor some douchebag teens? Give a smug smile and walk off without saying anything.
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>>5502211
Nice cope. Misgendering in public doesn't happen unless the person REALLY tries to pass as the opposite sex. Okay, maybe doesn't happen is pretty harsh, I guess J
I mean that 99% of people look like their assigned sex/gender. A man with long hair still looks like a man and a woman with short hair and baggy clothes still looks like a woman.
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>>5502293
>randomly misgendered
>not trans
>weird but exciting somehow
>fast forward a few years
>ah shit, i think i'm trans after all
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the trurth will set you free
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Do what feels right to you. I personally feel better about myself when I ignore questions like that or simply just give my best smile. Sometimes people are just genuinely curious, and though it's not your responsibility to educate, you could really try to explain yourself. Or (and more likely) you could benefit from not automatically reading it as an insult. Either option does take practice.

I do wonder about the fact that you've been on HRT for years but are going to interviews presenting as a male. What's your rationale behind that if you don't mind me asking?
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>>5502583
They probably don't pass and don't want to be a hon.
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Your face probably says girl but you have man features on your body so people get confused, I knew a mtf who had a total girl face but giant feet, and was really tall, broad shoulders and all, when I looked at them my brain couldn't decide on girl or boy for them
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>>5502171
Deal with it because people dont know every detail of your life and it is quite easy to do this and rather awkward when this shit happens.
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>>5502622
I can't help but question whether or not it's in a person's best interest to conceal their preferred gender identity. I am sure there are exceptions to the rule but I seriously doubt that OP is a "hon" if people are openly questioning her gender.

On a side note: I think it's unfortunate that 'passing' is the end-all-be-all for so many people here. We're all dealt a different hand in life and we're all at different stages of transition, but I do get the impression that too many people here have unrealistic expectations when it comes to what it takes to be perceived as female by others, and not being able to recognize that lack of realism is what's causing a lot of pain and anxiety in their lives. That's just my two cents tho.
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>tfw in college
>have long hair because I like metal music
>some girls in my class thought I was a girl for a whole month until I spoke to them
>tfw cis gay guy (probably)

>mfw
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>>5502583
>I do wonder about the fact that you've been on HRT for years but are going to interviews presenting as a male. What's your rationale behind that if you don't mind me asking?
Well my scumbag mother who is really transphobic and LGBT hating. She'd probably kick me out if I started dressing like a woman. So my first priority right now is getting a proper job, becoming completely independent financially. Also having orchiectomy asap. That's the biggest reason why I want a job.
After having access to a solid income I might even be able to slowly start femming it up. If I get kicked out at least I won't be homeless.

I wasn't that masculine when I started HRT, but hormones weren't really effective on me. After a while I just took them, because I didn't want to become more manly, so if nothing else they were good for that. After two years I got resigned that I'm a hon and that's it. I made peace with that, y'know? I figured I'd just wear androgynous clothes eventually, try not to bring too much attention to myself and even though i'd still look like a guy, at least I'd be a feminine one, so that's not as bad as being a full dude.
I'm still not sure how I feel about...all this. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I might actually be able to pass one day. I literally just can't believe it. There is just no way. I know I'm supposed to be ecstatic but all I feel is like the world is playing a huge prank on me, and one day everyone will start laughing at me at once that I for a second believed I looked like a woman.
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>>5502171
I know that feel

I've been on hrt for years, and most of the time I keep short masculine hair, not wanting something like that to happen to me

nowadays it's dangerous to have longer hair and look andro, because public became aware of transgenderism, people might think you're trying to pass
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Handsome husband!
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>>5502997
Financial independence is definitely your best bet. And it sounds like waiting to come out until after you find employment may actually be a good thing. I just worry that you're in a toxic work environment that you aren't yet aware of yet because you're not out. On the other hand, there may be less of a chance that you'll be denied on the basis of your identity. Stuff like that happens more often than people realize.

>Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I might actually be able to pass one day. I literally just can't believe it. There is just no way. I know I'm supposed to be ecstatic but all I feel is like the world is playing a huge prank on me, and one day everyone will start laughing at me at once that I for a second believed I looked like a woman.

Well, you're already a woman by default, right? That's why you want orchi in the first place? Or is the desire to be perceived as a feminine male? I guess you could pass as a male after orchi but wouldn't you be doing a disservice to yourself by identifying as a gender you aren't comfortable with? Sorry if I am making assumptions. I just want to understand your train of thought. I've been under the impression that one of the goals of being trans is to openly present as your preferred gender.
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>>5503331
What's the point in "presenting" as your preferred gender if you aren't seen as your preferred gender?

I'm not happy settling for just being a guy on estrogen, I'm miserable, but it is way better than looking like a fool and having everyone snicker when they say "have a good day, ma'am" or "yes, she *chuckle* is right over there". The hons can have their delusion of "oh, I'm living such a wonderful womanly life", and "i passed everywhere, the ladies were so nice to me at the store". Everyone sees through it.
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>>5503258
This is a bit stupid desu.
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>not wanting to be cute tomboy andromode

Is best mode. Fucking with people using your gender is an art.

Only qts may apply.
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>>5503402
actualy thats a large level of stupid
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>>5503402
>>5503405
DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS
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>>5503258
It just doesn't make any sense
>Handsome child
misgendering happens and he agrees with it? or some shit. unless "handsome husband" is gender fluid which is in its own right a bs term
>Handsome BF
has a ass and they talk about her/him but he is arrogant and assume they like her/his ass?
>best man
What the actual fuck happens here is just... serious paranoia writer/drawer side?
and the last 6 panels are like "what didn't you hear about what happens when you take e?" so that makes no sense. i guess reminding can be ubseting but you cant blame others for pointing it out so its wtf.
>handsome sex
if you dont want that to happen then you have to put in effort to look like a cis male so you dont get "misgendered". people asume things when they look at you. if you look male they will think your male if you look female then you will be female to them.
>>5503416
what you cant handle the fact that some one has an opinion?
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>>5503468
DISREGARD THAT, I'M AUTISTIC
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>>5503510
explain to myself how that is autistic
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>>5503514
>in depth analysis of a light hearted comic
>cant handle bantz
definitely on the spectrum
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>>5503533
>post fucking stupid comic
>some one takes it more seriously then needed
>4chan
what did i expect would happen. Plus its a fucking stupid comic with realy questionable stuff on it.
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>>5503542
stop arguing with yourself you fucking faggot
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>What's the point in "presenting" as your preferred gender if you aren't seen as your preferred gender?

Well uhhh, you were nearly were perceived as your preferred gender despite putting in no effort so maybe you're being too critical of yourself???
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>>5503547
cant help it. im a fucking autistic retard that cant take my own opinions as an actual critism
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>>5503331
well I applied to an international telecommunication company so they're definitely a lot more open to transpeople than say my country's companies. Not that I trust them completely so I thought it was a sound decision to pretend I'm a cis guy, as the chances of being hired are higher.
>Well, you're already a woman by default, right?
sure, my brain - soul if you believe in that sort of thing, is female. But my body isn't.
>That's why you want orchi in the first place?
In part. My hair is thinning despite being on estrogen and anti-androgens. So yeah. I need an orchi fast. I'd still want one without the hair problem, but this just makes it all the more urgent.
>I guess you could pass as a male after orchi but wouldn't you be doing a disservice to yourself by identifying as a gender you aren't comfortable with?
hell yeah. I feel like a fraud most of the time, but at this point I'm kinda used to it. For now I'm more focused on getting a job, actually getting an orchi. I'll worry about the details later.
>I've been under the impression that one of the goals of being trans is to openly present as your preferred gender.
uhh. not quite. For me, being trans for years meant being saved from turning into a bulky guy with a beard and angular features, having to follow a male societal role, which I despise. I was this.. genderless being who was neither a guy nor a girl, yet somehow both at the same time. I was in one word, transgendered. It took a lot of suffering, because when I started HRT I had hope I was going to become a female. But that hope somewhere along the way died, and I was content to live out my life as this genderless person. It was a step up from being a manly man that awaited me if I stopped HRT, you understand?
What this anon said sums it up nicely, I totally agree >>5503392. "What's the point in "presenting" as your preferred gender if you aren't seen as your preferred gender?"
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>>5503638
> because when I started HRT I had hope I was going to become a female. But that hope somewhere along the way died

That's exactly what happened with me.

>>5503548
My male features are more pronounced when I deliberately try to look feminine. I look more feminine when I'm in guy-mode.
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>>5503686
thats due to you criticizing yourself from different points of view. If you look at yourself when trying to be fem you will see all the male things about your looks while that also apply vice versa
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>>5503686
Are you me? I know exactly what you're talking about. Whenever I tried on something obviously feminine it looked like I was a chimpanzee in rouge and a wig. The more feminine the thing the worse it looks. I eventually figured out that you have to aim for everything to be very simple, it can be androgynous or outright female but it shouldn't have any overly "girly" motifs. For example, instead of a long dangling earring choose a simple stud with something neutral. I actually have about 8 smaller silver earrings, a music note sign, two crescent moons and some balls that almost look like stars. So it's feminine, but simple.

For makeup eyeliner is great, but I don't use anything else - obviously. I tired experimenting, but rouge and eye shadow only accentuated my masculine features. A little bit of CC or BB cream is great for covering up after shaving, and it's literally invisible once it dries, and makes your skin smooth as silk.
As for colors, unless you have blonde hair with blue eyes, you'll want to avoid pink and harsh colors. Go for the neutral stuff. Toned down, diginified colors. I personally have medium brown hair, eyes so natural earth tones though aren't feminine look great on me. So I'll go for black, warm and rich browns, deep forest green, things that look inviting I guess? That makes you look inviting in turn. You want to accentuate your strengths, not your weaknesses. Try to find out what makes you attractive, even if you still appear as a guy. Maybe your eyes look bright and joyful. Or your mouth maybe looks thick and kissable. Work somehow on those to make them feminine. Of course you can deviate from this. I have a sky blue necklace that sparkles like the sun even in a cloudy day. I always wished I had blue eyes, this way, I can still make people go whoa, that looks really cool. Usually it's the first thing they notice about me.
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>>5502171
I just tend to ignore it desu
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>>5502757
>I think it's unfortunate that 'passing' is the end-all-be-all for so many people here.
let me guess, you're trans and pass?
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>>5502757
>>5512153
although, fox-and-grapes scenario might be just as likely
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>>5503468
What it relates to are people who are on HRT but still go guymode/"cute boy on hormones"-mode because they don't think they can ever pass, like OP, and lull themselves into thinking they're just a guy who takes HRT to cope, but in fact have enough feminine features including boobs that other people notice and raise doubts. It's common.
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>>5502171
what is your hormone dosage?
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>>5512532
Is this a thing?
I rock pretty boy bode with guyliner most days. I get weird looks often.

However, I've noticed over the past month, guys in public will smile at me.... or look at me odd for a second, then a sense of nothing being wrong washes over them and they seem to not care...

Idk, it's a weird mix of being perceived as female by passerby's and being gendered male in face to face communication before I open my mouth.

I'm 10 months in. Wtf is happening. Also, c cup and growing tits I can't hide so, I'm whatever about them. Idc if people notice them apparently I'm a girl from a far and a pretty faggot with tits up close.
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>>5512780
>Idc if people notice them apparently I'm a girl from a far and a pretty faggot with tits up close.
where the fuck do you live that this doesn't get you threatened with violence, if not worse?
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>>5503468
>misgendering happens and he agrees with it?
Inb4, femboys who take estrogen and stuff for the sake of looking 'cute' but deny being trans.
MTF in denial is a meme here.
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>>5512840
>take hormones because I want to have a qt gril body (too late for me though)
>don't think I am a woman and don't care about other people seeing me as one
you can't explain that
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>>5512836
Oilfields, actually... I think the remarked low population of women in comparison to drunk redneck population let's me slip by. Idfk. I don't go out partying or anything and my bf goes with me anywhere I'm nervous about.

Tbh, my pale skin, angular face, and ginger hair probably has me looking like a vampire or some shit, idfk.

I just get dirty looks tho, no insults. If people stare too long, I scowl at them and scream BOO NIGGA. Poor Midwestern fucks are terrified
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>>5512532
Are they actually coming across as female, at least initially? I have a hard time believing it after so long. I already gave up on ever going girl-mode. But at a restaurant last week the girl who brought out the appetizers, who didn't hear my voice ordering, said "here you are ladies". To be fair though, it was rather dimly lit.

But I've had other odd occurrences too. This guy chatted me up, like walked across the room to get to me, in a bar as soon as my male friend went to talk to some other girls for a while. Another guy bought my mom and I a round of drinks one night. Other men being more helpful than I remember. More "sweeties" and "honeys" from older women than I remember. Visiting with some family friends, the mom was kind of fussing over me and gave me a talk like I was fragile or something before I went to hang out with a couple of the guys, like "those boys get a bit rowdy, don't let them get out of hand, be safe", and told her son "no stupid shit" or something to that effect. Not that she meant sexual assault or anything, I'm pretty sure she just meant that they tend to do dumb shit and I'm apparently this harmless thing (which I've been told by others) now, idk.

I'm in guy-mode though. Unstyled hair in a low ponytail, oversize man clothes, etc. I don't get it.

>>5512780
I've been getting those looks from guys as well. But women also seem to smile at me more and be friendlier, like not as standoffish. And like at the grocery store, for a long time there were a lot of "sir's" but then it was like 50/50 between "sir" and "man or ma'am", I couldn't distinguish so I figured they just thought I looked like a hippie or stoner and were calling me the informal "man". But if they used the formal "sir" before, then is it possible that they were actually saying "ma'am", and me just trying to come across more masculine was just making everything more awkward? I don't want to get my hopes up though, so I assume it's "man".

Idk, I'm confused.
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>>5502171
you are so brave lol
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>>5502851
>tfw pre-T ftm
>have long hair because I like metal music
>would pass much better with short hair for sure
>won't cut them, it's my favourite feature
>still get gendered properly by random people

I can't wait for dem mones. :^)
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>>5502171

I wanna see your picture now, I'd maybe say something nice, or at worst nothing at all

you probably shouldn't post it though because jerks
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>>5502171
>some chick asks me if i'm really a grill
>say i'm a fucking attack helicopter
>she laughs and starts talking about memes
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>>5502171
This happens to me sometimes. For me it depends on the speaker. If they're genuinely curious just because they want to know, like kids tend to be, I don't mind at all and tend to say "[birth sex] but it depends on how you define what a boy or a girl is." If it's a frat boy tier look-at-the-circus-freak type comment I ignore or smile (smiling freaks people out in the right contexts).

The worst though is when people ask your name to try and find out sneakily. It's obvious when it's a random stranger doing it who has no reason to care. My name is unisex, so it's double fucking obvious when the questioner looks disappointed. I had somebody say "is that short for anything? what does it say on your driver's license"? Fuck off man
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>>5513181
>Midwestern fucks
oilfields, more western fucks.

>>5513233
>I don't get it.
Your visible features have crossed the line. Mine have too. I'm starting to have many of the things you mention happen to me. Yesterday I had a guy come up to me in a grocery store and say hi. People often get the door for me now. I really don't dress feminine yet. I wear turtlenecks all the time in the winter, and I bet my bust shows some. I also naturally inline walk. If I lost weight I think they would be pouncing on me.
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>>5512780
Lol you aren't a c cup girl. But yes I'm in the same position as you
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>>5520668
>features have crossed the line
So what should we do at this point? I still try to put on the man act, like trying not to sound, stand or walk faggy, constantly monitoring my movements, which is awkward and uncomfortable af, btw. Is it just drawing more attention? Would dropping the forced masculine act be smart at this point?

Just today, I overheard a "dude, that guy looks like a girl", and a few days ago some high-school girls who worked at the grocery store debating whether I was a guy or a girl. I swear, I've overheard this stuff for months now. It can't all be my imagination.
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>>5521069
The truth is that you are a guy that looks like a girl or looks feminine. Unfortunately that is very far from looking like a normal girl. I know you want people to say "you must look like a girl maybe you need to just start wearing girl clothes and everyone will think you are!" but the truth is then you would be a "girl who looks like a man / looks strange "
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>>5502171
>been taking hormones for years
>still in guymode
Never fucking understood this shit. Is it just trannies on 4chan are genuinely horrendously ugly?

I had to go girl mode before HRT cos shitty NHS, but I could count the number of times I've been misgendered (by someone who didnt know me pre-transition) or questioned on 1 hand. Several times I've had guys who are interested in me have no idea Im trans and a few of them have called it off once they found out.

I seriously just dont get you people.
Humans aren't very sexually dimorphic, there's only about 15-20% difference between males and females (whereas in gorillas theres as much as 50%, and in some animals the sexes are completely different colours), most of human sexual differences we can observe come from shit we can control, like hair length, makeup, clothing etc.
People like to kid themselves and claim they can always recognise when someone is trans, but in reality they only say that shit about people they already know are trans. Actually go into the world and look at people.
Im at a university, where I know for a fact that there are only about 20 trans people in total but I've been unsure about more men and women than that because androgyny is a thing, and for the most part, people see obvious factors like clothing, makeup (or lack thereof) and shit like and they just go with it and dont question it too much. Even when I wonder about someone, shit youd thin would be obvious like hands and feet are fucking difficult to judge when you cant actually compare them to something you know the size of

Im willing to believe I was just lucky with genetics or something, but Im like 6ft tall, I get hit on constantly when I go out. You cannot be serious to say after months and years on hormones you still dont pass for shit. Whats wrong with your face? Why cant you grow out your hair? What the fuck are you wearing?

tl;dr just how ugly are you people?
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>>5521098
Bull. Shit. See >>5521169

Confirmation bias. You think you can recognise trans people because when you see someone who is trans you can confirm masculine traits are because they were male.
Ive seen people claim they can tell Kim Petras is trans, despite the fact that she never went through male puberty, the process through which people acquire masculine features.

Cara Delevigne looks trans as fuck too. I'd question it.
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>>5521098
probably

thanks, anon
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>>5521186
>Kim Petras
I dunno mang. That torso
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>>5521216
HAHA

I'm not the person you are replying too,, but I knew this would come when I Googled her.

People need to get over the fact that women don't all like this one idealisation they have.
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>>5521233
look like*
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>>5521216
That's not even her. It's some Austrian beauty contestant.
>>
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>>5521169
>>been taking hormones for years
>>still in guymode
>Never fucking understood this shit.
Hormones do a massive amount for psychological state. Not everybody needs to fully transition. In fact, most get by with only minor changes to their life. Unfortunately some of us are effected more than that so we start needing to do body modification, and even then most don't need to go and get SRS.

Going outside one's self, there are life circumstances that force some to not socially transition. Work and income can easily be top of that list.
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>>5521216
>>5521233
Any gal who is seriously into horseback riding will have near 0 waist pull in due to the muscle buildup.
>>
>>5521169
Im not ugly. I just have a strong wife jaw and a wide face. My hair is pretty short. In between normal guy or girl hair. I was a hot guy. Maybe you just got lucky have an androgynous face? Not passing has nothing to do with how ugly you are. There are tons of ugly fat landwhales who pass better than me because they have chinless weak jawed pudgy faces.
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