>>5499973 "I just don't really care about sex right now, and I'm not interested in being with anyone" You aren't "coming out". Asexuality is something that might change over time, or you will continue to remain apathetic towards sex, so you never end up liking it. Only time will tell.
>>5499973 There is absolutely no reason to come out. Your asexuality is not going to affect you life that is noticeable to others. It's not like you're gay and people are wondering why you don't have a girlfriend. Asexuals can still have hetero relationships. Asexuals are still able to do anything any straight person can do without having to hide who they are. You have nothing to come out about because there's nothing that society finds odd enough about you to raise a stink. Asexuals get an eye-roll at most
>>5500600 I don't really get why you think it doesn't count as coming out. I do get that, especially if you still want a relationship, there's little point to it, but I don't get why "coming out" is a wrong term to describe it.
>>5500595 this. hell, im bi, and i dont come out cause im not interested in dating so i have absolutely nothing to hide, absolutely nothing gnawing on my insides if i dont share.
it just sounds like OP (and most aces honestly) dont understand why gay people come out. but they see gay and bi people come out and think it has to do with having that orientation, instead of keeping secrets that have material consequences when let loose.
>>5499973 >A lack of any libido now gets cool flag.
I mean fuck, it's not even a bad thing. I'm glad I'm pretty close to this level. It's got me a lot of things that I might otherwise have not had because I was more focused on fucking/building a long relationship. Those things don't seem bad when they work out, but they don't seem to work out a lot more than they should.
If anything I'd rather people keep this shit quiet. You lose a big ace in the hole if people can just stick you in a box and say "that's what you are" I enjoy the inscrutability and surprise involved in it.
>>5500858 Well that doesn't really make sense, being hungry some of the time is the norm, and it's a temporary condition. Whereas being asexual is a permanent, non-normative orientation like being gay is.
>>5499973 >Is there any point to "coming out" as ace to family? "Hi family, I think you all need to know about my sex life"
No. Its stupid and they will think you're a loser. Its not like it will change anything.
I came out as Gay because I didn't want to keep my boyfriend a secret forever. I didn't want to hide half my life from the other half of my life and live in a web of lies.
Others come out as gay because they get tired of hiding themselves, Unsure of how your closest friends and family will react. In most societies there is a very real threat of abandonment by friends and/or family. Its nice to get it out the way, discover who will still care about you (or not) and move forward.
Coming out as Asexual wont change anything for anyone. Your parents and friends will thing you are being melodramatic and just socially awkward. At worst they might think you are really gay and using asexuality as a mask for it.
I think that if you're close enough with your family that you share your general thoughts and struggles, "the point of coming out" is to share what you've recently come to terms with about yourself, a new piece of your identity. I think the argument that it's just "hello, you need to know about my sex life" can be argued for with gay people coming out (although personally I do think it is different). If you're in a celibate heterosexual relationship, someone might also come out if they're being pressured by their family to have a child. Or maybe after a lot of prying by family and friends, you feel you need to come clean about why you're perpetually single (can be very hard to find someone that's okay with their partner never being interested in having sex, even if they do engage in it for the other person's benefit). Maybe you're tired of pretending to understand and relate to being attracted to people, and coming out is a way of being honest about your experiences. Kinda the way some gay people might find that one benefit of coming out is not having to pretend to find the other sex appealing and fake conversations and stuff.
I'm sure there are other reasons as well but this is what comes to mind off the top of my head. I understand why people may disagree, and I definitely understand why "coming out" may be seen as appropriating LGBT language and experiences to fit a totally different narrative.
>>5502921 Mm, true. I interpreted OP's question as "is there any point to disclosing that you're asexual," but you're right that the terminology is the bigger issue. Although even worse than "coming out" is heteroromantic asexuals saying that they're not straight. I've heard someone say "I have the right to be queer" and it was just... Impressively lacking in self-awareness or even respect. Being queer is no right or privilege.
>>5503385 In that case, you'd have a reason. Your asexuality is the answer to a question they have. Other than that, there's no reason to sit your parents down one day and tell them about all the sex you're not having.
>>5503467 Just like there's no reason to come out as gay unless it's something that affects them. If you're dating or they want to know why you aren't married yet then it might make sense, otherwise there's no need for them to know.
>>5502834 I'm so glad someone could see the mother side to the question, and I really do apologise for using the phrase honing out but thats why I used inverted command i fully understand its not the same thing at all.
>>5499973 I personally don't see a reason to come out, unless it's brought up, as many people have said.
I came out to my dad because he kept asking about the boy I brought over and assumed I was gay until the boy stopped showing up and a girl was coming over, so assumed I was straight and it was just a phase. he asked what was up and I told him, though he didn't agree and kicked me out because he was saying I'm just greedy, and can come back when I am done acting like a confused little kid.
MFW he doesn't know I'm polyamorous and I'm not going to bring it up now.
>>5506462 >Asexual is not a thing for humans you otherkin garbage Asexual reproduction isn't something humans are capable of. But in this context, asexual just means people who don't experience sexual attraction.
>>5506502 I have a pretty normal libido, the main reason I want to come out is because I feel kind of like I'm living a lie by letting everyone assume I'm a normal heterosexual person. And lots of time it's not even that I'm TRYING to come out as ace, it's more like I end up nearly being outed whenever someone asks me about sex. Like my dad keeps asking me about my sex life and talking about girls and stuff, and he probably at least knows I'm not exactly heterosexual from how I've responded. Even though I'm not trying to come out, it's kind of obvious anyway because I don't really have the understanding of sexual attraction to give a proper heterosexual response when someone talks about girls.
>>5508524 Oh hey, I can relate to this. I don't like to use the word asexual because people immediately paint a portrait of me that has nothing to do with who I actually am, but I end up saying "I'm not into sex/hooking up" to people kind of often because whenever sex or relationships come up in conversation, people ask why I'm not contributing to the conversation or why I don't have any stories to share. Usually end my explanation with with "I'm just wired wrong" and laugh to put people at ease.
>>5510299 Think of libido like hunger. If you get hungry when you look at a delicious steak or dessert, that's like sexual attraction. If you get hungry because hunger is a function of your biology, that's like libido. If you've ever masturbated and just enjoyed the experience and physical sensation without watching porn or having any specific fantasy play out in your head, that's pretty much libido without sexual attraction.
But sexuality is not a "drive" even though it is called that. It's a reward mechanic if anything. If you enjoy and desire masturbation you're as sexual as anyone. Not having that desire triggered by other people just mean you have an intimacy problem.
>>5510919 For practical purposes, one is "asexual" in terms of orientation if their libido never makes them want to have sex with another person. And it's not necessarily an intimacy problem - someone can be highly intimate with people in non-sexual ways, yet still be asexual by the above definition.
>>5510919 Insofar as libido is not a drive, I know and I agree. The metaphor isn't perfect but my point was to illustrate arousal with attraction, not actually relate the drive to eat and the "drive" to have sex. You can call the desire to masturbate sexual, sure, but not being attracted to others is not an intimacy problem. You can still experience the deepest depths of emotion towards other people, you're just not interested in fucking them. There's no element of fear, denial, or dysfunction in that.
The definition is "a person who has no sexual feelings or desires".
If you have sexual feelings or desires you are not asexual.
Having an extremely low libido is not being asexual. Having an narcissistic attraction to yourself exclusively is not being asexual. Having intimacy problems is not being asexual. Fetishism, being attracted to objects, specific situations, animals, fictional characters or anything along those lines is not being asexual.
Of course you can be asexual and still find love and friendships, that's the whole bloody point of acceptance is it not? It's when you don't fulfill the definition, yet eschew sexual relations with people that dysfunction (of which the most common are intimacy issues) become likely.
>>5511084 Sexual orientations are generally defined by what gender or sex turns someone on. So even if someone has weird fetishes or whatever, for practical purposes it makes sense for them to call themselves asexual if they have no desire for sex with any gender. You could argue that if they have any kind of libido or fetishes they're not really non-sexual, but that's not really what asexual is meant to convey, by context and convention the "a-" refers to the gender/sex they want to have intercourse with, as in any other orientation. Coming out as asexual is mainly meant to convey that one doesn't desire sexual activities with anyone. Whether or not they masturbate or have fantasies or whatever is irrelevant - the whole point of labeling your sexuality is to describe your sexual interactions with others.
>>5511273 >asexuals can still be sexual no >asexuality is a real sexuality. lol no. even if it was it doesn't have an effect on anyone but yourself and your partner if you go out with someone. meaning asexuals should only date and marry other asexuals and never have any sort of intercourse or mutual masturbation otherwise they aren't really asexual.
>>5499973 Same advice I give other gay guys. No there's no point in coming out. Unless you want emotional support from family members. Or they want to know why you're not with a girl/guy, and if you want to give them an honest explanation.
>>5500595 >because there's nothing that society finds odd enough about you to raise a stink
Yeah because the social stigma for guys who are virgins over 25 doesnt exist?
People will most likely judge you harder than a gay guy if they get to know you are 25+ and a virgin.
As the first 2 posts in the thread should have told you that immediately claimed that OP is a looser. Society literally sees you as trash. Because casual sex apparently is the greatest achievement you can get in life.
I think "asexual" is a good and useful term because it communicates something distinct about the way you function and live in the world. It's the X on the Kinsey scale. Arguing about whether or not its an orientation is just semantics, except for when the discussion is about asexuals appropriating LGB language an spaces.
>>5511310 >it doesn't have an effect on anyone but yourself and your partner if you go out with someone. meaning asexuals should only date and marry other asexuals Same as anyone else. If you're gay/straight, it only effects you and you date other people who are also attracted to the same/opposite sex.
>>5511106 Depends on your definition of "identity," I guess. Is it an identity the way being gay is? I personally would say no (not saying its lesser, just totally different). But anything can be an identity. Buddhist, furniture salesman, abuse survivor, whatever. If "asexual" describes a specific human experience, and it does, it's an identity.
>>5511794 >most likely judge you harder than a gay guy Uhh did you forget about homophobia when you were writing this? People don't get fired from their jobs, lose housing, get rejected by family, and get assaulted by strangers for being 25+ virgins. Sure, in liberal circles where people genuinely don't give a flying fuck about someone being LGB, the enlightened folk there may still judge somebody hard for being an older male virgin, but you can catch a plane to Russia any day of the week. I totally sympathize with your feelings about society valuing sex so highly, but "judge you harder than a gay guy" is a stretch.
>>5511310 >>asexuals can still be sexual >no You can still have a libido and masturbate without wanting to have sex with anyone. Which is all coming out as asexual is supposed to convey.
>>5511310 >lol no. even if it was it doesn't have an effect on anyone but yourself and your partner if you go out with someone. meaning asexuals should only date and marry other asexuals and never have any sort of intercourse or mutual masturbation otherwise they aren't really asexual. It's also relevant as an explanation if people ask you why you're still a virgin or whatever.
>>5511904 >Uhh did you forget about homophobia when you were writing this? People don't get fired from their jobs, lose housing, get rejected by family, and get assaulted by strangers for being 25+ virgins.
Yeah i was probably referring to the circles of people i am in contact with
So i kind of lacked perspective in that post i guess. But saying that society doesnt give a flying fuck about old male virgins isnt exactly true either, you will get judged to hell and back.
Its even worse when you cant properly understand why they judge you, because you never valued sex all that high to begin with and i still dont get why it is societies highest value.
I mean as long as its not done for reproductive purposes its literally meaningless and shouldn't affect your status.
I could understand shaming people that did not reproduce since that at least makes sense evolutionary.
>>5512033 >Oh hey, thanks for acknowledging and conceding that you misspoke! Uncommon to see that round these parts and much appreciated. <3
Well i am the textbook definition of a loner and i noticed through deeper conversations with a friend that i do lack empathy and the ability to see things from other perspectives, so i recently try do just that a bit more.
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