/k/ommandos, Cthulhu has risen from R'lyeh and you are tasked

>>28861116

> implying I wouldn't side with him and end up fucking a Deep One

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One round of this bad boy will stop anything. ANYTHING.

>>28861116
Ram a little boat into his face.

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>>28861116
Summon a more powerful ancient one.
>yet with a tasty, satisfying crunch

Oh yeah and I guess a nugget

>>28861116
Gimme some stats on him op, you tard.

He ranges in hp love crafts works from like 50 feet tall (and kill able by ramming with a steam boat) to cosmic universe ending god

>>28861116
>Lure him to China/Russia/Europe/The Middle East
>Just drop all of the non-US nukes on him
>Hold the world hostage with the remaining nukes

>>28861565
Assume he's killable with a boat

>>28861179
9mm? Yer damn right son.

Look to the Necronomicon for answers.

Muh dick. I plan to subvert the creature into doing my bidding and ruling the world.

>>28861184
>>28861565
>>28861599
The boat didn't actually kill him you dummies

>>28861116
>not letting our lord and savior decimate the earth
It's like you don't even want an apocalypse OP....

>>28861116
I roll for seduction.

>>28862143
Best answer

>>28862082
It knocked him the fuck out, nigga dropped like a sack of stones back down to the deep

>>28861116
Tbh my man, I would fug his shit up with some kinda resonance area denial weapon.

Cephalopods hate that shit, theres a reason sperm whales stun giant squids with there head sonar thingies before hunting them, and squids literally self terminate out of stress / trauma from naval radars.

Besides we have developed area denial weapons focusing on sound since like the early 2000's

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>>28862406
Alternatively I could make a ribald made out of moist nuggets for like 1 grand

>Op's ugly mother fucker rises from the eternal depths
>attacks the port city of Vladivostok
>as he reaches the docks he notices a stocky land moral yelling "yдaлить кaльмapa" (remove squid)
>Seconds latter a cacaphony of hundred year old slavshit rings out
>immediately blinded, bleeding profusely (remember his circulatory system is super pressurized from living in the deep)
> "work the bolts comrades"
>dead by the third volley

>>28862530
Land mortal*

>>28861116
Assuming he is 50 ft tall, I could kill him with my glorious 13.2x94 while my friends and family blind him with hunting rifles and ar's, I own like 15 guns so assuming no eldrtich mind rape I think I could take him

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>>28862143
You rolled a 43! As you gaze wistfully into C'thulu's deep, jet-black eyes, the Old One cocks his head to the side and grins at you playfully. Slowly, you each lean towards each other, you feel his tentacles caress your thigh. You both know it is wrong, but it just feels so right.

>>28861116

300 Megatons of Nuclear Weapons

MK-PLUTO

>>28861116
I elect Nyarlathotep to the presidency in 2008, so that Cthulhu leaves America alone.

>"I do not recall distinctly when it began, but it was months ago. The general tension was horrible. To a season of political and social upheaval was added a strange and brooding apprehension of hideous physical danger; a danger widespread and all-embracing, such a danger as may be imagined only in the most terrible phantasms of the night. I recall that the people went about with pale and worried faces, and whispered warnings and prophecies which no one dared consciously repeat or acknowledge to himself that he had heard. A sense of monstrous guilt was upon the land, and out of the abysses between the stars swept chill currents that made men shiver in dark and lonely places. There was a daemoniac alteration in the sequence of the seasons—the autumn heat lingered fearsomely, and everyone felt that the world and perhaps the universe had passed from the control of known gods or forces to that of gods or forces which were unknown. And it was then that Nyarlathotep came out of Egypt. Who he was, none could tell, but he was of the old native blood and looked like a Pharaoh. The fellahin knelt when they saw him, yet could not say why. He said he had risen up out of the blackness of twenty-seven centuries, and that he had heard messages from places not on this planet. Into the lands of civilisation came Nyarlathotep, swarthy, slender, and sinister..."

>>28861116
III'M NUUUCLEAR
I'M WIIILD

>>28862614

Fuck all that did, I remember that thing shrugged it those nuclear blasts like Michael Brown against a 9mm and proceeded to consume the minds of all of humanity.

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>>28861116

All I need is a shotgun with one shell which I will swiftly proceed to suck start before shit gets really bad.

>>28862360
He was never even conscious to begin with, it was basically sleepwalking.

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Pretty sure a nugget volley would work... even if it takes all of them.

>>28861116
Arm yourself with your favorite axe. Go to where he is, wait for the spiny thing to go inside him and jump in the teleport door when it does.

>>28862530
Alternatively just buy all the cheap 3rd world AKMs, tape them together and use a long bar with a massive cam to pull all the triggers. You now have a poor mans gatling gun.

>>28861116
how big do you think cthulhu's dick is? what about godzilla?

>>28861116
>a boat
>ramming him with it

>>28864811
Or rather the poor man's Nordenfeldt

>>28864844
So... dragon dildos are too undersized for you? I don't know the length but I know for sure it will be ribbed for your pleasure and it'll have tentacle like nodules on it.

>>28861116
I roll Persuasion to sell him some cool junk I found at the nearby junkyard

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>>28864883
I didn't mean as a dildo, I was just curious how big something like that would be.

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>>28861116
>not worshiping Cthulhu in exchange for merciful death upon his return
>2016

Sweep the leg

>>28861116
Ask him if he has a moment to spare for our lord and savior Zenu Christ

>>28861116
Defeat him? I'm joining his cult you stupid fuck

GAU-8. Jesus christ people it's 2016 I though we agreed on this the last time this thread poped up.

>>28865660
i though we were going to shoot it in the dick

>>28863991
>implying you can get that many neckbeards to shoot at the same target
You can barely get 5 of the fuckers to shoot at the same target

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>>28861116
Well, last time around he got all fucked up by having a tramper steamer run his ass over, soooo.... this time use a bigger ship. One that can swim, and where the crew can't see the bastard and hence will not be driven crazy with fear. Ideally said ship should be armed with underwater missiles or something.

>>28861116
sebenza

Cthulhu cannot be beaten by humans you retard

>>28866346
If you made Cthulhu invisible, would people still go mad if they looked in his general direction?

>>28866383
>cant be beaten by humans
>somehow doesn't die from the instant vaporization
>he'll die from radiation poisoning in a couple of years from nukes
Problem solved.

>>28864844
I'm pretty sure he's bigger
Out of the depictions I've seen it makes giant mountains look like the size of a human pinky

>>28861116
Shouldn't this thread be on the gaming board?

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Poland's mighty Jaeger

>>28862605
keep going

>>28861116
Erm, you can't. You can destroy his body and then it'll just reform. You can nuke him and he'll reform. Face it, you can't beat him. So join him.

Isn't chtulhu some almighty god?

id suck his dick

>>28866833
Yep

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Fuck that big commy piece of shit.

>>28861116
Get a squadron of A-10s to BRRRRRRRRRRRRRT the ever living fuck out of him

What if you put a cloaking devise on cuthulu so you couldn't see him and go mad
And then you spot him with sonar and fire your guns at the area he's in
bam fullproof plan

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>implying implications
The whole point of Cthulhu is that he exemplifies mankind's smallness in the incomprehensibly larger scheme of the universe. He's not even necessarily a physical being- there is literally a 0% chance of defeating him. The human race trying to kill Cthulhu is like Adalia Rose trying to fistfight a hurricane.

>>28868007
Naw fuck that.

Nigga got dropped by a steam boat.

An AMERICAN steam boat.

>>28861612
its 45 you dip

>>28868045
No he didn't. Did you read it?

>>28868007
>Adalia Rose trying to fistfight a hurricane.
kek

>>28868083
>still being this asshurt because fish god got euphoric.

Why don't you tell me what happened, he just fell down temporarily and called life alert?

>>28868099
>Sleepwalking in the middle of the ocean
>Get tapped in the head by a steamboat
>Wound instantly heals, shrug it off
>No ritual, stars aren't right
>Slowly drift back to sleep

>>28868099

Standby, we have a highschooler here that thinks AP English equates to actually reading Lovecraft for fun.

I bet you don't even know the other Old Ones, just the maymay monster. Fuck off and stop posting until you graduate, you annoying youngling.

You're probably the type of faggot that owns zero rifles, loves slavshit, argues with military/leo posters about their jobs, and claims his favorite author is Steven King.

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>>28868156
not the dubs you just rekt but that was an awfully specific description, who was he and where did he hurt you ?

>>28868156
>thinks Lovecraft is educated reading
>wanting to read shitty scifi fiction from some NEET who was afraid of fish and minorities yet married a jew.
>also was a limpdick yankee noguns

Wanna tell how I know you are some butthurt tentacle fetishist?

You somehow took it personal that I made fun of your Cthulhu sugar daddy and don't play that Call of Cthulhu game.

>>28868143
I'm sure that's what he tells the rest of the family as damage control.
>>28868365
>wrekt
More like got wrekt

>>28868573
>scifi fiction
>science fiction fiction