Can we get a Kuering machine in the break room, boss?
What ever happened to that intern?
Can we get a new coach in our breakroom, boss?
Man, replying to all these emails is tedious!
Hey, how come Joe gets a new desk?
I know I'm just the account manager but a potential sale just said that they're interested in our product with a few changes.
- They want the release files as a pdf
- They want a method of performing any np complete function in constant time
- They want the interface to have more 'pop'
That should be doable right?
Nice joke bro! That shit's for fucking dinosaurs though. We're all rockstars here, and rockstar programmers write in RUBY, the language of the fucking future.
Ruby was created in Japan and has been folded over a thousand times, no gaijin language like Java can stand up to it.
Hey Jake, good thing you and Schlomo had this great idea and got me on board. With my expertise, we will make this stuff work in no time! Hey Schlomo, remember me? We used to work together at Napster and eHarmony.
Yea yea remember Guiseppe? Man, what a riot he was, always down for some shit, and I meant SHIT by that. Hah wow!
Remember this time when he took a dump so big we had to call the plumbers over? Man, the toilet wasnt useable for days after that still.
Golly gee, look at the time. Guess its time to go home. what a productive workday that was. see you tomorrow!
So hey boss, i now times are hard, but can you at least pay one months paycheck.
This is like the third month now.
I need to pay rent and buying a iphone every year is kind of expensive.
Also my weed dealer will stab me for not paying.
What are we gonna call this thing anyway? My vote is to drop a vowel. It's funky fresh that way, my dudes and bros. What about Jackr? Or "fgt" all lower case like how teens type.
So were using a Nods.js backbone with an Ember.js main tier with some Backbone.js for 'pop' and an Angular.js based model, the hard stuff will be done using Agility.js and Sammy.js with some extra code in Knockout.js and soma.js.
No we aren't "just using C++", what the fuck are you? A dinosaur?
Man I just pulled an all nighter, but you gotta do what you've got to do huh! I just finished porting all of our previous Java code to Haskell, did anyone get my email? I managed to break subversion too? But no matter right we're haskeller's now!
reminds me of the time we had a spa party got 6 guys in but some fucker left the door open and all these random people came in.
We were stuck in the spa while being ridiculed and getting snappies taken of us. We were drunk and helpless.
Somebody even peed in the spa.
Hey guys, I brought my pet cats; hope you don't mind. Oh Mr Whiskers~, you're not allowed to poop on the rug here. Anyone got a plastic baggie?
Let's get down to the meat and potatoes and use that a springboard to launch into vestment opportunities and expand our brand image as the frontline digital app cloud entropical think-tank. My cous8n is an ideas guy.
>so uh boss, the game is flying out of the door and its not even done
>and whe did a lot of work on it too
>in fucking java
>can we at least gave a bit of all that money?
>huh, you are leaving us?
>what, you are selling the company
>what about us?
>these guys will take everything and fire us?
you now who i'm talking about.
>has been folded over a thousand times, no gaijin language like Java can stand up to it.
This isn't a 'development studio' you fucking pleb, this is a gallery and my Ruby.js functions are the exhibits. We don't have a hierarchical structure or any rules - we prefer to let workers just be creative, ya know?
This isn't a smoking area its a 'creative cloud thinking space'
This isn't sublime text, this is my 'canvas'
This isn't a generic social media campaign, this is a genuine call for the passionate amongst us to 'join our cause'
This isn't bad code, its 'dynamic and unique'
We don't need agile or any of that shit, we just have daily 'bonding sessions ' within the 'idea void' (carpark). If you can'r write a song about it, it isn't worth coding.
I think I'll step down from my software development position. We need a bigger picture kind of guy, you know like Steve Jobs and I think I'd do well in such a position given my experience at a multitude of previous startups. Anyways have you seen the movie about Steve Jobs, amazing right?
Hey everyone, please welcome our new Diversity Officer, Anita Sarkeesian! Now I know I said that we were going to keep the newest Zelda strictly canon, but I think we can really make a difference here.
Anita is going to help us make some changes to better represent African and Womyns cultures in the newest Zelda. If this works out, Nintendo says we'll get the rights to the next Smash Bros. too! Konami had some interest in having us work on the next Metal Gear Solid too so make sure you do your best!
I'm going to need you to come in Saturday for a couple of hours to mop the floors as part as our new Dev/Ops/Janitor position. Yeah also I'm going to need you on Sunday, so if you could come in to file some TPS reports for second round investors that'd be greeeeaaat
This post physically hurt me.
I am slain.
Alright boss, but just so you know, I don't wear pants on weekends.
we're going to be the next Facebook, boys. can't pay any of you yet until we start turning a profit (times are tough!), but this is going to look great in your portfolio, and there's pizza on Fridays!
So imagine Google but with more of an emphasis on the 'Camden dance scene'.
Man when we release our game, we'll make enough to buy a big office, and bikes to from our offices to the cafeteria, woah dude. I'll miss playing hearthstone and eating pizza at my desk with all of you though.
So imagine Amazon but with more of an emphasis on indigenous African artwork.
>I mean hi boss!
>No sir! That wasn't loli porn! It was, uh, uh...
>a subway ad! See? See?
>please dont fire me
Hey guys, I got the code I forked from my friend at Google on this dongle.
Sorry, but we need to stay away from all GNU product licensing so Facebook buys us out. I'll take an ApacheCafe and our new manager in charge of synergies and branding will take an Angular half-decaf with soy.
So imagine twitter but the racially disadvantaged automatically get more retweets because they have a message that needs to be spread
>come back from lunch
>co-workhipster has opened window and is hanging out of it with really big handmade sign that says "FUCK THE MAN, LOVE EVERY1, etc"
>has donation fedora on the sidewalk
>shit in it
>come back upstairs and try to go into office
>bunch of different people
>"I'm sorry sir this office has been vacant for 15 years"
Hey, dude! Thanks so much for replacing my chair. That black leather one was so... 'executive', y'know? I didn't feel like a part of the team in that thing, it was sapping my creative energy. This obnoxiously loud, flamboyantly bright green bean bag is perfect. I feel so down to Earth in it. Heh, heh, check this out!
*Kicks hacky sack at colleague*
*Begins hacky sack tournament with everyone in a 40 ft distance*
Heh, I told you, bro, getting a massive office that's just a single room in a re-purposed warehouse with bare walls and no proper heating was such an ill idea. It makes us designers feel free to express ourselves, you know? Anyways, I've been in the office foooreeeeverrr, I clocked in like an hour ago. Me and everyone from accounting are gonna go smoke a spliff in Mark's new studio and we'll all gonna take turns finishing on Jill's tits. Take it easy, broski.
*Throws Starbucks cup into trash can and puts 50 cents into the environmental harm jar and leaves*
So imagine Stack overflow, but like, people could ask questions about life and stuff, and ... you guys, like, people with, like, 'world experience' and an 'organic sense of self fulfillment' could answer them and like, help these people and stuff.
I don't know how to pronounce your name. Can I just call you Lisa Funbags?
all that <code>ing is making me thirsty! what do you say we go grab some craft beers, gentlemen? everyone knows buzzed coding is best coding.
>not coding drunk
>omg beer o clock
>fetch me another pint
>lol im such a beer nerd
STOP CALLING ME FOR STUPID SHIT THAT YOU CAN'T FIGURE OUT ON YOUR OWN
I WROTE THAT GODDAMN PASSWORD 18 FUCKING TIMES ON YOUR DESK
JOHN KNOWS HOW TO DO THE FUCKING VIDEOS
WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I TELL HIM HOW TO DO HIS JOB
I DON'T WORK FOR YOU
I TOLD YOU I WAS DONE BACK IN MAY
STOP COMING TO ME FOR YOUR STUPID COMPUTER BULLSHIT
I once worked in a call centre before regressing into being NEET again. Lots of people like this. The worst part is going to take a piss and seeing people come out of the bathroom stalls and walk straight out... I had to share headsets and keyboards with them.
Oh, and socks-off feet-up-on-the-table smoking an e-cig while on the phone. Fuck, it was a shithole.
Hey Ahmed take a look at this application.
His name is Mike Zuckerberg dude, I'm not making
this up! That's like a sign maan.
Anita watched the social network and got this brilliant idea from it
of having a code, party! That'd be awesome right?
>This isn't a 'development studio' you fucking pleb, this is a gallery and my Ruby.js functions are the exhibits.
Fuck I think I'll buy hipster glasses and actually do this, it might sell
>I know this guy called David who will do us a logo and some pie charts for free
Let's make a completely non-portable phone without half the functionality!
>tfw legitimately like Go but can't discuss it on /g/ without being called a startup hipster, a google shill or both
>Working at a tech startup
>Working at a normal company
Hey dave, could you please make this <incredibly complex piece of software> in excel? The data you're looking for should be in our access database. If you need access to the documentation then there's a word file on our network share, but be careful! Only one person can open it at a time [no seriously this is what working with office is like].
I am more inclined towards one of these things and I will let you know which one.
I know that feel.
>you want to program in LISSSSSSP??!!!!!!
>tfw you get really baked and buy a 60 dollar .io domain for your imaginary start up then wake up in the morning like whaaat
Forty one keks
Gf was mad as hell tho
Go does suck, but I understand why people use it. It has a decent standard library, is pretty quick to program in, and is really, really fast compared to almost all the alternatives.
Lets set fire to the Reichstag.
Lets invade Poland.
>How about some Haskell in the browser (Fay)?
when you get down to it people care more about the computers that make their bank machines work than they do about the latest clickbait TEN DICKS YOU DIDN'T KNOW YOU COULD SUCK articles.
for now, anyway.
>Hey guys! CFO here. I don't know my ass from my elbow, but I'm going to go have a $400 dinner and drinks with some hot shot public accounting firm who is going to turn our dog-shit financial statements into something that actually makes sense.
..the next morning
>CFO here again! The accounting firm agreed to do our work for a reduced rate, they are such bros. One of their tax guys suggested we should all increase the amount of stock options to upper management. Oh yeah, since we have been bleeding money for the past 24 months, we probably won't have to pay taxes for another 3 years at least.
Hey Entrepreneurs! Our shipment of entirely non superfluous Hawaii Chairs have just arrived! They should work just fine on your exercise ball seats.
Looking forward and stay innovative in the big data cloud!sends email by moving the cursor over to "send" and shooting the mouse with a nerf gun
hey guys, for this week we are going to have to program the app on Solaris 7. I read that its a big challenge and we all love a little irony.
Oh yeah, the web browser doesn't display tumblr correctly so this should serve as a refreshed for raw html reading
Guys, I know we put all of our parents money in this company, but we failed. Starting a company right after college was a bad idea.
But the good news are, I bought cyanide pills for everyone.
I'm going out for lunch. Anyone want me to pick something up on my way back?
I don't even know how to make coffee. I'm fairly sure I would cease being an acquaintance if someone said that in my vicinity.
You're forgetting the booze cabinet. Because nothing says "I'm a humanities major that only recently learned JS in Codecademy who moved out to SF/Seattle on my cardiologist parent's money" like a liquor cabinet that has the exact monetary value of the last funding round.
it's applied math but not rigid thinking. you take a set of rules and see how you can fuck with them, probing for holes in what you or someone else has written, trying to write something that can't fail
there is really an art to it, kind of like the art of mechanical design or woodworking
Unfortunately true story
>CTO-san we should really think about bailing out of this state-of-the-art nearly-concept bleeding-edge totally-hipster-ehmahgerd-hackernews-eligible software we are using because it is becoming a bigger and bigger bottleneck every minute
>shut up faget u w0t m8? gr8 b8 m8 ill 'it u in the gobber m8, 420 nosql blaze it fagget ur fired
>b-b-but what the fuck?
>get out. lol guise lets rewrite our perfectly working REST backend with Go just because it's trendy
>to infinity and beyond!
they went out of business
I once worked for a defense company doing vuln research and reverse engineering. It had a rec room with a ping pong table, pool table, PS3, Xbox 360, Multiple PC gaming rigs with all the major titles. Next door was a zen room with a couch and running water. There was a gymnasium sized dining area, and I had no set schedule (I could go in anytime and leave whenever so long as I completed 40 hours + contract work assigned) it was tough work but it was heaven.