Guys, I fucked up and need your help. Long story short, I told

>>7356401
CARBONARA

>>7356411
Hilarious, ever considered doing stand up?

I recommend you stop lying you retard.

The only way you could ever trick someone here is if they're also retarded.

Carbonara is the way to go, you could tell them your Italian grandmother taught you.

File: steamed hams.jpg (33KB, 640x480px) Image search: [Google]

33KB, 640x480px

Steamed Hams is the only way to go, bro.

>>7356401
You can make a very simple meal seem much more elegant by serving it over several courses with wine. Also the better the ingredients you buy the less work you have to put into cooking them to make them come out delicious. Leaning on thematic consistency helps, too. Here is a very easy French meal that would seem impressive:

Frisee salad in vinaigrette with crumbled bacon
Potato leek soup
Pan seared scallops with warm lentil salad (topped with a little bacon)

The only trick is to get large "dry" scallops and sear them in hot butter until they're just cooked on the inside. By one more than you need for practice. Cook some diced carrots with the lentils to make them more interesting. Open a bottle of white Bordeaux to go with the meal, then end it with a cheese course with some roast nuts and a glass of Port.

You will look like someone who knows their shit, but most of the work involved will be shopping, boiling and making a vinaigrette. The only real work involved is getting the cook on the scallop right, and that's a matter of a hot pan and leaning toward under instead of over.

>>7356419
>Stand up with inside jokes
At least think your response through before you post it so you don't appear as a fool.

>>7356436
Whats the deal with cabonarra?

Speaking of which i almost wanted to kill myself after watching seinfield live

>>7356426
He is going have giant chunks of greens in his salad. Fuck up the vinaigrette, plop it on top of the leaves instead of tossing properly, fuck up the salt and way overdo the bacon.

Then he is going to figure out a way to fuck a blended soup, I'm not smart enough to figure out how anyone can do that but will probably fuck up blending and seasoning.

Then he will buy crappy scallops, overcook them to the consistency of rubber tires, burning the butter while doing that for added burnt tire aroma. He will cut the carrots into stupidly shaped irregular chunks, probably won't even peel them, undercook the lentils, won't dress the lentil salad and of course way overdo the bacon.

Long story short, no matter how simple the recipes are, there is no way a piece of shit like OP can pass for a good cook. The path to being a good goes through being a shit cook, you can't just skip that step. OP lacks the basic motor skills and knowledge to make something that remotely looks OK. Only hope there is for OP is that the person OP is trying to fuck has zero idea about what good food looks like.

>>7356881
Sure, it's possible to fuck up. But anyone with half a brain and youtube could fill in enough gaps in their knowledge to pull off the menu I suggested.

>>7356401
Baked salmon and some kind of squash or asparagus.

Do you have a slow-cooker? Brainless way to make fucking succulent porkchops

>>7356401
Olive oil poached fish

>>7356925

easier said when you already have invested the time

>>7356401
pan fried salmon,white steamed rice,some steamed veggies. that's all you need

>>7356881
I saw undercooked bacon and, obviously, overcooked scallops.
I'm not sure about the lentils.

Lasagne is hard to fuck up. If OP has access to a butcher, pot au feu is simple as fuck, I'm not sure how fancy it sounds.


Could someone explain the carbonara thing?

Boil some lobsters, mate. How hard can it be?
Throw on a pair of cleats, get some sea-bugs and chuck them into boiling water, and wa-la! Serve with butter.

>>7356401
I thought that was a duckling on its back at first

>>7356401
stop lying. anything you make right now will probably be flawed since you don't know how to cook. STOP LYING.

>>7356401
Make some good ass spaghetti

>Make sauce ahead of time before she gets there
>Cook down a ton of finely chopped onion, carrot, celery, garlic, and mushroom
>After that is cooked down, add pre-seasoned canned tomato sauce
>Let it cook over a low heat
>Buy some cherizo and some italian sausage, cook that.
>After cooked, put in sauce
>Boil spaghetti
>But it on plate
>Top with a big helping of sauce.
>wa la
They'll think the sauce was homemade. Cooking the canned sauce over a low heat for awhile will eliminate a lot of the can flavor and adding fresh veggies will make it better.

>>7357210
Lost hard.

>>7357278
No, don't do this.

Spaghetti is something that requires lots of skill to make more than mediocre. Given the person telling you can't spell chorizo, and is recommending it in an italian dish with canned sauce, they don't know how to do that either.

Make fettucine Alfredo. It's literally 4 ingredients, and more impressive than it should be.

1 part cream.
2 parts butter.
4 parts grated parmesan (NOT the shit in a box, mkay? that won't melt)
grated nutmeg, black pepper

Cook pasta as directed on box. Add to sauce.

>>7357888
OP said something that would make it seem professional, and I recommended a way of improving the taste of canned sauce.

Also, spaghetti is easy to impress, most people like it, and is easy as fuck to make, it doesn't require any skill at all and I've been making that shit since I was a kid.

Get fucked.

File: 1332729017520.jpg (40KB, 300x380px) Image search: [Google]

40KB, 300x380px

>>7357210

File: 1381322628993.png (348KB, 480x343px) Image search: [Google]

348KB, 480x343px

OP just find some recipe on youtube, FoodWishes or some shit, that looks good. Cook it once for yourself for practice. If it goes well, cook it again for her. Take it slow, don't be a retard. Cook with your laptop out the first time. Even the second time if you have to.

idk if youtube chefs are anathema around here, I came over from /mu/ but give it a shot.

I always tell people my cooking is shit and then I make sure to get noticeably drunk before everyone comes over. Everyone just assumes the cooking is worse than normal because I'm drunk and usually I get a bunch of probably dishonest good comments.

>>7357210
>>7357212
Hivemind ftw. Do lobster

>>7358306
not a bad plan. distraction could be useful.

alternatively, OP could just cancel the plans, or change them to a meal at a restaurant with a line like "i can never get it just like these guys do; they make the best _______ in the city"

my advice would be find a single recipe and just practise it over and over and over again until you get it right.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2xwoE56JPy8

This.
I cook in a professional kitchen and put this up for family meal one night. bomb. You can use any pasta noodles, i recommend fusilli (spirals).

Also, don't fucking tell people you can cook if you can't fucking cook!

>>7357888

>Spaghetti is something that requires lots of skill to make more than mediocre

not really

>>7359003

jesus christ the way this is edited makes it sound like something superhans would release as a B-side

File: b2d725_6f9d1fc433db72499f96fd2b3fc71cd4.jpg (170KB, 945x709px) Image search: [Google]

170KB, 945x709px

Marinated salmon on a good layer of homemade guacamole. You may add rice on the side

>>7359026
That plating is absolute pants.

>>7356401
my schnauzer would rip that thing to bits in like .2 seconds. would pay to see it.

>>7359051
Why would you think do, kind anon

>>7359054

standard, giant?

>>7356401
Fry up some eggs, cut them into quarters, spice each one differently - the more spices you have the better it'll be!
>become spicemaster

>>7359058
mini, actually. the thing is ravenous though.

File: lcD99iD.jpg (827KB, 1530x2048px) Image search: [Google]

827KB, 1530x2048px

>>7359087

represent. mine died a coupleyears ago

>>7356401
>What are some meals that seem fancy but are easy to make?

lobster with dille mayonaise
scallops with rocket and walnut oil
pasta with parmesan and black truffle
oysters with spring onions chili and cilantro
baked salmon with green asparagus and mash

The list could go on forever. But basically use good ingredients and 50% of your work is already done.

>>7359054
2edgy

Asparagus and parma ham starter. Nobody can fuck that up. Just don't overcook the asparagus.

Pan fry some duck breast or something for the main. Maybe some salmon? Just wrap that shit in foil with some herbs and oil or something, and bake in a 400 oven for 15 minutes or so.

Side veg are easy. Chop, wash, chuck into a pan with a knob or two of butter, a couple of tablespoons of water, season with salt and pepper, herbs, maybe a clove of garlic you've smashed with your palm and put a tight fitting lid on. Stick it on a low hob for about7-8 minutes, shaking the pan every so often to stop the bits at the bottom burning/mix things up.

>>7359003

I bet OP would watch this, and try to cook it within 1:51, serving raw as fuck chicken and just fucking up his entire kitchen.

>>7359269
>duck breast
>for someone who can't cook at all


OP I'd suggest you go real easy. Get some kin on boneless chicken breast, and an ovenproof skillet. Heat oven to 375F or so. Put some salt on your chicken, but no pepper yet- pepper burns and gets bitter if you sear it. Brown chicken, skin side first, in your skillet. Remove from heat and put the whole skillet in the oven until the chicken is at 160F in the middle- you want 165 final temp but it'll carry over as it rests. Remove chicken from skillet, put it on a board, and tent with foil to rest. Meanwhile, use all those brown bits in your skillet to make a quick pan sauce. Deglaze it with a flavorful liquid like white wine, flavor it with whatever- a tiny bit of Dijon and a bit of tarragon or thyme, say- and cook down a little, then finish by gradually whisking in a few cubes of cold butter. The sauce should thicken a bit and get nice and shiny. Taste for salt and such and adjust.

Serve chicken and sauce with a little salad of arugula and maybe some roasted veg, and a glass of wine. Not crazy fancy but very nice and pretty hard to fuck up.

>>7359095
get a new one. they rule.

>>7356401
Risottos.

It's all in the stirring, temperature and the broth, all simple things if you pay close attention.