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Kitchen Fuck-ups
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You are currently reading a thread in /ck/ - Food & Cooking

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What are some of the dumbest things you did when you were first learning to cook (or perhaps more recently)?

>Boiling a pot of rice
>Remove pot from hot burner
>Need somewhere to put it
>Don't realize bottom of pot is still hot
>Absent-mindedly set pot on plastic cutting board
>Loud hiss, whole suddenly smells like burning hot wax
>Remove pot to find large, partially melted spot on cutting board
did you only have 1 burner? I normally cook on the back burner and move to the cool front when done
I used to "fix" bad tasting dishes by adding more stuff to them.
That's flat out stupidity. That's not a fuck up. You're just dumb.
>making a tray of bacon for morning shift
>take tray out with mitts on, we normally just dump bacon grease into the grease trap when done
>be ultra careful because shit is hot
>get all the grease out of there without issue
>let out a sigh, carry tray away
>tray catches on the side of the oven
>tray flops down on my arm and burns it
>throw my arms up and try to get tray off of me
>tray falls back down on my arm and burns me again
>finally just drop the tray on the floor

Scars from that are gone now, but holy fuck I burned myself often. I was a REALLY bad line cook, and it was the only job I ever got fired from.
i still to this day cook without a shirt and burn my belly on the stove reaching for things in the way up high cupboard above the stove
>Make stock
>Strain stock to remove vegetables
>In to the sink
>Stock disappears down plug hole
>Left with a collander of veg trimmings
I move it from left to right since my left burner is larger
Put a leftover chik-fil-a sandwich in the microwave when I was 6.
>heaps of apples leftover from maiden canning voyage
>'i'll make cider' (never brewed before)
>put 30 kgs of apples through slow juicer.
>fucking dying.
>got it into a brewing demijohn, added yeast
>fastened airlock, smoked a huge joint and passed out
>it was summer. bedroom was upstairs.
>fucking HOT. 35 degrees.
>yeast went mental in the demijohn.
>woke up to the sound of apple juice splattering
>on the roof with the force of a thousand suns
>ceiling still has huge drippy brown circle
>was too high to clean it up, now it's set there.
cider tard here again;

>first learning to use microwave in late teens
>parents were ludites so never had one before then
>'i'll make popcorn!'
>follow directions on side of pack of kernels
>put desired amount of kernels in tupperware
>into the microwave on high
>all popping, smells great, can't wait
>open microwave door and eagerly pull it out
>holding tupperware. where is the popcorn?
>tupperware was old and not microwave safe
>bottom melted out
>mass of gooey plastic and corn stuck to floor.
>fused with the linoleum
>had to get new kitchen floor

got a pan out of the oven with a damp cloth towel.
I did that same shit with spaghetti. Thank god it's a cheap piece of shit cutting board.
What happened?

>decided to boil some eggs
>big stainless steel pot
>10 eggs
>someone invites me to a raid in destiny
>completely forget about the eggs
>have loud music going
>finish raid
>hear loud popping
>start to smell sulfur
>no water in the pot everything black one egg escaped the pot

Took me a few hours to get the smell out of the house and i destroyed that pot. Felt like a dumbass for a few days.
He probably burned himself (the heat goes straight through the towel) and dropped the pan.
>Come home really drunk from a birthday brunch that lasted until around 20
>Hungry as fuck
>Plenty of left over ragù and a block of cheese in the fridge
>Whip up some béchamel, assemble a lasagne and throw it in the oven
>Slide out the oven grate to remove cooked lasagne
>The grate was inserted wrongly and tips, about to drop my food on the floor
>Heroically save it!
>With my bare hand
>Takes about half a second longer to register sizzling skin because I'm so drunk
>Kitchens smells of bacon and I can see naked bone
>Lasagne tasted great though
>one egg escaped the pot
40 keks
holy shit that would ruin my week
This is fine as long as you fold the towel you imbecile
>Kitchens smells of bacon and I can see naked bone

this is my nightmare
I can hardly see the scar from it now. I was surprisingly calm about it in my drunk state of mind, although it did hurt like crazy for about a week.
seeing motherfucking bone would have sobered me right the fuck up.
Holy shit I did that once. Never again will I make stock on two hours of sleep in the past seventy-two.
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>make big batch of delicious cheddar soup
>nice and thick, perfect for dipping crusty toast into
>carrying hot bowl up to eat at my desk
>miss step on the landing
>spill boiling napalm across my forearm
>1... 2... 3... "Oh shit that burns, fuck fuck fuck"
>"Do I try and clean the carpet first or clean myself first?"

That stain never came out of the carpet.
>start deep frying wings
>oil starts getting hot enough to put them in
>I'm wearing a white shirt, don't want to get that stained
>Take it off
>Deep fry shirtless
>Ice covered wings get dumped in
>Boiling oil on my chest

It wasn't that bad, but just the whole train of thought, goddamn was I dumb.
Your cooking sounds dangerously cheesy.
>be me
>be 13
>makin' poptarts because I'm a sperg
>place poptarts in toaster and leave to do a thing
>come back and see poptarts have popped up
>cook them again
>left with burnt breakfast

>be 11
>making grilled cheese because it was the only meal I could make with the ingredients in the kitchen
>pan too hot
>steam goes everywhere
>eat my burnt grilled cheese in silence
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oven looks like its screaming lol
who else would you be?
> Drunk cooking
> making Ketjap meatballs
> Get to the step of adding the ketjap
> It looks way too thin
> Look at the bottle in my hand
> Soy sauce, not ketjap

Completely fucked up the dish. Way too salty. Completely inedible.
>be young and dumber me
>microwave poptart because why not have cancer with my cancer
>skim over the instructions, "microwave" for 3 seconds
>put in microwave for 3 minutes because of the skimming and because who the fuck microwaves anything for 3 seconds
>fuck off somewhere for about 2 minutes, return to black molten abomination of poptart
Absolute madman
Yea, sorry. Dutchfag. Ketjap is an indonesian soy sauce. Generally much less salty and a lot sweeter.

...can you put it on steak?
Physically? Sure.
you'd think so and this is not related to cooking but a few years ago i punched a mirror, cutting one of my fingers open to the bone, instead of sobering up i found it so hilarious that i went around showing it to everyone
I hate you.
I'm the guy who burnt his hand to the bone:
At a party in a large youth camp we were dancing drunk on the tables and there were these industrial type lamps with metal shades. I waved my arms around dancing and suddenly my finger was bleeding cause I had smashed it into a lamp. Being wasted, I thought it was the funniest thing in the world and swung my arm around in the bathroom, spraying half of it with blood.
Later the same night a friend almost cut his finger clean off on another lamp shade and had to go to the hospital.
Fuck those lamps.
>making veggie chili
>4 cloves of garlic
>think a clove of garlic is the whole bulb
>while sautéing the garlic think god this is a lot of garlic
>pretty much ruin my chili

You deserved worse
>lost cap to vinegar jar
>pour it into pitcher
>fuck it, I'll remember
>making Ramen a few days later
>need water
>I'll use this pitcher!
>Ramen made with vinegar is surprisingly unpleasant
It's called kecap manis you dumb Spanish faggot
I read this as punched a minor. so much better that way.
when I was younger and shorter I had a little trouble reaching up to the stovetop.

This frequently had me accidentally dropping the entire pan of bolognese onto the floor, because i kept drawing the pan closer to the edge so I could put in the ingredients.

Naturally it doesn't happen anymore, cause I'm taller.
Fuck that happened to me a few months ago and I dropped a pan of cornbread. Don't know how I didn't notice the pot holder was wet.
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Worst thing I ever did honestly was putting some thawed sausage into a pan and leaving the blood soaking pad or whatever in the bottom, immediately started smoking and making the kitchen smell like burnt hair and plastic, had to open door in the middle of winter to let the smoke out.

Made everyones jackets smell like shit for a week.
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me last night
still mad
I understood that reference.
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my gf still has vietnam flashbacks about this

>gf hates croquettes since her crazy granny one time slipped a cotton filled croquette and he choked
>finally ready to overcome her demons and i pushed her to make salmon croquettes
>making them really carefully since she wanted them to be very tasty
>they're almost completed, excellent colour and smell
>"honey pass me the salt"
>as i was going to hand her the salt the fucking lid slipped mfw
>literally a mountain of salt over the croquettes
>we tried to scrap it of but they werent edible
>her eyes are tearing out
>she justs hugs me
>"kebab?" i say
>"kebab" she replies

This was 3 years ago and to this day not a single croquette has been eaten at our house
I don't do dumb things, I'm a man. A girlfriend I had once was a vegetarian though, hated touching meat, and when trying to make me bacon she put the entire package in the microwave and it caught fire.
That's what you get for playing such a shitty game
I use medja, actually.
>This was 3 years ago and to this day not a single croquette has been eaten at our house
>making roasted asparagus
>using a big glass casserole dish
>have recently moved into a place with granite countertops
>take dish out of my oven and set it directly on top of cold granite
I had a second to realize what a retard I was before the dish exploded all over the kitchen and I spent an hour picking glass pieces out of the garbage disposal in the sink.

>I still tried to eat the asparagus after, in case you thought I got smarter. Pretty sure a glass sliver or two made it through
I just had a glass mug explode on me. Of course right after I topped it off with hot coffee, and it was a 3/4L bigass mofo. Spend an hour and a half cleaning the countertop, drawers and floor.
I think the worst I've ever done is burn some bread I was toasting on the broiler setting.

The only other thing that comes close was oversmoking some pork chops when I was first experimenting with smoking on a kettle grill.
Oh god this.
>It will all be fixed if I just add a little something...
>be eleven
>heat oven
>fuck off to upstairs for a bit to do something
>forget pizza box still in oven
>pizza box catches on fire
>dad manages to dispose of flaming box
>come back down stairs to see him come in
Surprisingly he wasn't mad. Though the smell lingered for quite a while. Still forget to check oven from time to time.
>pizza box
Why the fuck did you put the box in the oven?
A friend of mine had this happen with some artichokes he was boiling.
He got a booty call, and left. 3 hours later, comes back to a house full of smoke and a pan full of artichoke ashes.
His place stunk for months. we started doing our WWF PPVs at a bar instead.
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so this guy either reheats pizza in the oven, whilst still in the box, which firstly is a retarded thing to do because pizza can be warmed in a microwave or in an oven without the fucking box... and cold pizza is great too

either that or you cook pizza in the oven with a box too

>Be drunk as all hell
>Put pizza in oven
>Fall asleep
>Apartment smells like a burn victims charred pubes.
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>go to shake my full jar of spaghetti sauce to get the tiny bit of water floating on top mixed back in
>forget that I already unscrewed the lid 5 minutes earlier
>entire jar of spaghetti sauce shoots out on the first shake like a giant red bullet
>spaghetti sauce ricochets around all 4 walls and even on ceiling
>takes over 2 and a half hours to clean up
I did similar but with pasta and I absentmindedly just dumped everything into the sink. Sleep deprivation is dangerous.
Why are you cooking chicken tendies on the stove?
i nuked a dry bag of ramen noodles once.

Shit caught fire.
Because I don't move pizza into Tupperware.
I wanted to make real food but I forget to remove the box. Hence the fire.


I have woken up in the morning to find my milk in the pantry on multiple occasions.
>Left cutting board under heat lamp, it warped and snapped in half.
>Left steam kettle on with no water in it, safety valve blew scaring the shit out of everyone.
>Accidentally combined two different soups, they looked the same damn it.
>Left pans with food in them in an oven overnight and forgot about it turning the oven on the next day.
>Left things in the freezer to cool down quick only to forget about them.
Can't remember most of them those are just a few.
>be me
>22 just out of college
>secretly drinking in parents basement
>late at night heat pot full of water up on stove for pasta
>wake up to this fucked up pot on the stove
>dad is all, what the fuck you could have burned the house down
at least he didn't go into the basement before I woke up where I had also left the space heater running
Ive finally realized this was a leftover cooked"deliver?" pizza and not a frozen one. He was just trying to reheat it in the oven becase the box would fit in there and not the microwave
>want to season a cast iron skillet
>people put them in the oven and the heat polymerizes it, right? why not do it on the stove
>add oil and put it on the stove on max heat
>might take a minute to heat up
>leave the room to check something on the computer
>forget about it until the smoke detector goes off and the kitchen is filled with it
>luckily don't start a fire

so dumb it felt more like a life fuckup than a kitchen one t b h
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>frying some potatoes on the stove
>want to add some cumin
>upend cumin container over the pan
>lid was almost completely unscrewed
>entire jar of cumin falls onto potatoes
Bet you didn't see that cumin
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>Make instant noodles at aunt's house
>Put noodles in bowl
>Flavoring on top
>Microwave for 5-6 minutes because I like it that way
>Wait what is that smell
>Open the microwave
>Flavoring is singed
>I forgot the fucking water :DDDDDD
>Microwave stinks
>Apartment stinks
>They can't get rid of the smell
>They end up throwing out the microwave

What the hell did you get fired for? I feel like getting fired is really hard to go.
Made some lasagna and put it in the over, then a friend asked me to jump start his car, left and forgot to turn oven off, he bought me dinner as a thank you. By the time I got back I forgot I was making food - had trip in morning so I packed and slept and then flew out for Christmas. Was gone 9 days, came back to a smoky hot apartment and was confused and then realized that I left the oven on the entire time. Had it on for a total of 10 days straight. Needless to say, the lasagna really didn't even exist at that point. I'm lucky I didn't burn the whole apartment complex down.
>Apartment smells like a burn victims charred pubes.
Made me chuckle.
>Making pizza
>In a hurry
>Try to open vacuum sealed block cheese with knife
>Slice the shit out of my thumb
>Wrap it and keep going, grating the cheese
>Almost pass out
>Get pizza in oven and superglue thumb shut

My thumb was wrecked for weeks. I still open shit like that with my knife, just not when I'm feeling rushed
Can you imagine if a manager saw that guy just throw the fucking tray? Hazard to himself and co workers lol
This shit just made my night. Thanks you awesome fu/ck/s

That's pretty much how you do it though.
Why would I reheat it in the box in the oven? I just left what was left in the box and put the box in the oven. Wanted to cook something the next day. I forgot the box was in the oven. Some time later the box caught on fire. Is it that hard to understand?
I got fired for being a shitty cook, not endangering my coworkers. Turns out that I can't really work a line that well.

I'm just curious how the whole process went.

1) What was shitty about your cooking?
2) How did they know?
3) Did customers complain?
4) How long did it take for them to fire you, and did you know it was coming (if you did, how?)?
1. I got orders messed up and simple shit took me a long time
2. People complained about me.
3. Yes, a lot, including the owner's best friend.
4. It took them about a month from when I started really fucking up, and yes, I did know it was coming.

Thanks. And dang that sucks. What do you do now?
I work at a video game company doing my dream job for about four times as much as I was making there :D

Pic related, it's lunch I got a few weeks ago with my coworkers.
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That's a crazy sandwich. Interesting side. I'd eat it though.

And congrats, I hope things continue to go well for you, God bless.
>making burgers
>beef still a bit frozen
>okay, time to use microwave defrost setting. Never done this before
>press defrost, put it in for 00:30
>timer finishes, a little warm but not at all defrosted
>hmm, it must take a lot longer to defost
>put it in for about 3:00
>walk away
>come back
>take out a fully cooked slab of minced beef
>realize I forgot to press defrost the 2nd time
what the fuck is that shit nigger sauce goes IN the sandwich fuck dude
If I remember, it was called "The Adam Bomb, Small." I basically gave the guy a 20 and said "go for it," and he grabbed whatever he felt like doing and threw it into a bigass box. It had grilled chese and bacon sandwiches for the "buns", teriyaki chicken, cheese steak meat, jalapeno poppers, dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets, and a bunch of other stuff that I'm currently forgetting, all on a huge bed of garlic noodles, with ponzu sauce and sriracha all over it.

It was pretty fucking good, and I hope his cart comes back someday, the guy was chill as fuck and had a crazy cart.
Well yes, because that's absolutely disgusting. You should not leave food at room temp for more than 2 hours.
Grandmother did this with a large pot of soup once, never seen her so angry. I would be, too.
>Buy a bunch of chicken thighs frmo Costco
>take home and freeze them
>realize I didnt package them individually
>take out frozen chicken, cut open package, try to seperate
>defrost trying to get them serperated
>end up throwing out all the chicken becuase apparently you arent supposed to defrost and refrost

Im so new to this shit for now Im just making sausage and red beans and rice.
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>making tuna salad sandwich at home
>need some pepper in there
>shaker is empty
>gotta fill that shit up mang
>fill it to the top
>proceed to dump entire shaker into tuna salad
mfw I forgot the lid
It is perfectly fine to freeze, unfreeze and refreeze meat. The only negative thing that may happen is a little loss of flavor.

Source: The Dr. who taught my Microbiology course.
>one egg escaped the pot

Years ago, put lunch in oven, turn it on, go back to room (1st mistake - did not preheat oven, would have prevented what came next). 40 minutes later I go out expecting delicious roast chicken wings. They are still cold and raw; crap, oven is busted. Reach up to turn dials off (three dials: fan/heat source, temperature, grill underneath - you can see where this is going) and find temp dial is off. Grill is on, oh shit.

Open door to grill section (2nd mistake as suddenly oxygen is increased), fireball erupts. My sister had used grill two days earlier to cook sausages and didn't clean it, leaving a pool of flammable fat in the tray, now impersonating a bonfire in my kitchen. I don't panic (yet), grab tray with towel and go to toss the whole thing in the sink for containment. No good as sink is full of water and tuppaware containers (thanks again Sis). Drop tray back on door of grill and grab one of said containers full of water and hurl at grill.
Mid swing I realise my 3rd mistake. This is an oil fire and I have just tossed cool water at it. Too late , oil explodes, the ceiling is now on fire and I am covered in spot burns, not to mention the rest of the kitchen. NOW I panic and drag the tray off the grill door to get the flames away from the rest of the oven and wall. It hits the cork laminate floor, the rack section bounces up and lands two feet away, the oil slops out in all directions.

Good news everyone! The fire goes out. Bad news, to this day there is now a large rectangular blister patch of floor from the tray, a second patch from the rack in neat parallel lines and blackened and charred patches where the burning oil itself splashed. The ceiling was repairable with sanding and fresh paint. The floor has remained as is as a tribute to absent minded stupidity until the house is someday sold when it will cost me a small fortune to have replaced.
>take glass dish out of oven
>put on burner using potholders
>go to remove lid
>grab lid with bare hand
>drop lid because it's cunting hot
>feel stupid
>shit isn't done, put back in oven
>come down in ten minutes
>do the same thing again
>this happens every single time I cook
>somehow hands aren't burned to shit and scarred up despite 9000 burns
>I'm too stupid to learn the oven is hot
>my ancestors survived against wolves and bears

Today was the FIRST time I managed to grab the lid using a potholder. It took every ounce of willpower and self discipline to remind myself that the lid is also glass and also hot as satan's ballsack.


>shitty pepper grinder broke
>still using it because poorfag
>go to crack sum pepper on eggs
>plastic grinder lid falls to shit, dozens of peppercorns and plastic shards in eggs
>stubbornly pick them all out and eat anyway
>have to keep spitting 'corns and plastic out like seeds from a watermelon

>go to grab sandwich
>ketchup on the top bun, get all over hand
>awkwardly eat around stick in middle
>eat sideways and part by part because too wide to fit in mouth
>grab bottom of sandwich
>hand sinks into noodle coleslaw shit

Would not eat.

>Had it on for a total of 10 days straight

This is amazing.
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>be at 4th of july bbq
>just grillin some burgers and brats
>kids runnin around havin fun playin tag
>2 of the rascals chargin past me
>brat chasin em knocks straight into me
>faceplant the grill
I heated olive oil to extra hot

The first time I attempted something more complex than mac and cheese, I was living on my own in college. I tried to make bombay beef curry from a recipe:

>everything's going well
>remembered that I'll need to simmer it for hours
>putting in the spices
>no shaker lid thing on the ginger
>probably a good 1/4 cup of ginger straight into the wok
>decide to soldier through, everyone's first real dish is shit right?

I still gag when I smell ginger. I can eat it in a dish, but I don't keep it in my kitchen.

>saying God bless
>on 4chan

I sincerely hope thou doest this, my brethren.
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God bless!
I hate when people spread dangerous half-arsed advice like this. Yes, it's safe under the correct circumstances, but loss of flavour is not at all the only negative thing that may happen.
Firstly, you are going to fuck up the texture and dry it out too.
Secondly, it is only completely safe if it was thawed in the fridge and refrozen shortly after. If you thawed it on the counter or in the microwave, you should cook it within a couple of hours.
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I can be pretty fucking dumb in the kitchen sometimes.

>had chicken for lunch
>save the uncooked cuts by wrapping a plate with foil
>shove it in the fridge
>get home, start heating up the stove top
>place the plate on the other side of the stove
>turn around for a moment and I hear a loud pop
>pull the foil off the plate and closely inspect it
>plate violently explodes on my face
>scream like a bitch

>heating up pan and some cooking oil for stir fry
>fuck, spatula isn't washed
>wash it, don't dry it off
>begin moving ingredients to the pan
>a single drop of water hit the oil
>oil violently explodes over my arms
>scream like a bitch
Got two for you here first was my flatmate second was my own.

>Flatmate comes in at 3am and fancies some garlic bread
>I was a architectural tech/building services student so I was still up drawing
>I recon he will be okay so I go to bed
>he shoves the bread in the oven and processed to pass out in his room
>I wake up at 5:30am to make my porridge
>That smell of burnt toast enters my nostrils as I wake up
>Go to the kitchen and see the oven is on
>Open it up and pull the tray out
>One completely carbonized roll sits infront of me
>it was black to the core and had the texture of charcoal
I was just glad I hadn't burnt to death in my sleep

My fuck up
>Cooking some salt and pepper lemon chicken with rice
>Chicken finishes cooking
>I decide to add a tiny mount of the lemony juices in the oven dish to the rice
>I slip while pouring and about a cups worth of lemony juices anoints my rice in the name of the lord
>I had to drain the rice out with a sieve
>even after it was the most bitter shit I had encountered
>ended up chucking the rice and just having the chicken while dwelling on my own stupidity.
I wish my roommate would burn me when I sleep
Life is not worth living
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>look up a recipe online
>5 stars (at least one hundred people creaming themselves over this recipe)
>alright lets give this a try
>recipe was for some cut of meat. Can't remember if it was a roast or what
>see it calls for a "sauce" that took like at least 3/4 cup olive oil as the main component
>uhhh ok we'll see how this goes
>baking in the oven and after 20 min what do you know the house is engulfed in smoke
>I have never seen a pan so blackened
>tasted sub par and the house reeked for at least a week

Might have been half decent in a crock pot, but this bitch called for this shit to be baked while smothered in a shitty olive oil toilet "sauce"
I hate when idiots spread their stupid opinions like this.
As long as you cook the meat thoroughly, you'll be fine. If you knew anything about microbiology you'd know that it's bacteria that makes you sick, not the decomposing proteins themselves. As long as it's cooked properly, you can eat rotten meat. Doesn't mean it'll taste great, but it won't make you sick.
Not that poster. You realize that it's the toxins (which are proteins, but not the same proteins that make up the muscle of the meat in question) that the bacteria produce that cause food poisoning, right? If it's been culturing bacteria long enough for harmful bacteria to have coated the thing in toxins, killing the bacteria off so they can't produce more toxins isn't going to magically remove the toxins that are already present. Cooking something properly and in a timely fashion helps to ensure that the toxin levels do not reach a toxicity threshold.
> be me, 15 years old
> slicing some shitty low moisture mozzarella for idk what with slicer like pick related
> block of cheese is hard as fuck, straight out the fridge.
> really gotta put some force into it
> slicer slips, instant pain.
> long strip of skin sitting on top of the slicer
> look at my hand
> all the skin sliced off the first segment of my thumb, can see the tendon
> not even bleeding at first, but then and eruption of blood

I'm still sketched out when i use a cheese slicer, but somehow it didn't scar.
Forgot pic
So why don't you get food poisoning every time you thaw out meat?

That's what the hell we're talking about. Thawing something out then refreezing it. It's perfectly safe. We're not saying toss it out in the fucking sun unwrapped.
I didn't say you can't thaw and refreeze something. The other poster didn't either, but that doesn't mean that nothing bad could ever happen under any circumstances by thawing and refreezing. So long as it is thawed properly, never going above 40f, the chances are practically nil. If it isn't thawed properly, the chances increase much more. The original poster didn't say how they thawed, so that's up in the air.
Never really messed up food but I'm good at destroying everything else around me. Did the melted cutting board, but I set it on the burner. destroyed a wok, but to be fair I think it was cheap as hell, a present.

>making bread for the first time
>Preheat oven
>Realize I need to take out a rack to fit the pot in
>Put on fancy ass oven mit I bought proudly
>pull out hot rack
>can't put it in sink, plastic stuff in the way
>Think I know I'll put it in the ceramic bathtub.
>Make it 3 steps out of the kitchen
>It starts burning through the mit
>drop it on the carpet

Now there is a rack shaped burn in the carpet.
>Friend microwaves an Arby's sandwich that's still in the foil
>Sandwich catches fire
>Friend manages to put it out
>Dad comes downstairs and asks if he can have the sandwich
>Friend tells his dad it was on fire
>Dad still eats in anyways
>friend and I wanna get all hot and bothered with a carolina reaper/hanabero marinade
>raw marinade tastes like it could melt ssteel beams
>marinated chicken in the pan, covered
>drinking beer & talking nonsence
>housemate comments that it smells really spicy
>we open it and lean in to get a good whiff
>reaper steam goes directly up our nostrils and into our eyes
>throat, eyes, nose, everything is buring
>housemate comes over to see why we're coughing like idiots
>joins in our suffering
Mustard gas chicken is surprisingly tasty.

>later after much drinking and removing chilli smell from everything
>friend had to piss but forgot he hand chilli hands
>he spent the next three hours in my bathtub cooling off his dick
>we played Smash in there anyway
>>726879 thanks a fucking lot anon now I have something to think about while slicing cheese with one of those
>come home drunk
>put frozen pizza in oven
>pass out on couch
>wake up in a panic to the smell of burnt shit and smoke in the air
>pizza is literally black
>go to sleep hungry
>smell of burnt shit lingers for 2 weeks
>do this again probably 4 or 5 times over the last few years

another time
>come home drunk
>put ramen noodles into boiling water
>pass out on couch
>wake up in a panic to smoke and burnt shit smell
>noodles are literally black
>go to sleep hungry
>burnt smell lingers for 2 weeks

Fuck me, I'm pretty good at not doing this shit anymore, but the demon rum
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>Be Smoking after 14 hour shift w/ no lunch
>Combined hunger of munchiedom and the long work day settles in.
>Cup Noodles ftw
>Nuke it!
>Phone, Couch, and TV are one with my existence, I am the potato
>MFW when billowing wall of smoke emerges from kitchen
> Unplug and throw burning microwave into yard, turn the sprinklers on.
> Open Windows
>Smoke another bowl

Turns out water is important.
It was a few years ago

> wanted pizza .. of course teenage me had frozen pizza
> turn on oven to preheat
> forget my mom puts all sorts of stuff in the oven
> when the oven rings all sorrs of molten plastics await
> it took like 3hours to clean it correctly
Your mom is a retard for using the oven as a cupboard. She should've cleaned it herself.

Jesus wept you need to learn to eat like a real person. This is the single trashiest thing I've seen today. Were there no competent adults in your life? Have you listened to music more complicated than Sir Mix-A-Lot? How do you feel no shame?
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>making stir fry in a rush
>toss some oil into wok
>set burner to hellfire for some fucking reason
>whoops need to chop some more carrot
>gather everything up and finally remember wok
>not smoking, thank god, can proceed
>swirl once to coat
>screaming hot oil sloshes over the side onto my leg
>tear off pants and grit teeth to completion

It was delicious but I spent the next four hours clinging to that bag of ice for dear life. Scar's huge but fading.



WWF/WWE PPVs are goat pham
put about 60 deviled eggs directly on a sheet pan
>two restaurants.
>one on top of the other.
>prepping for the bottom in the top because no one's there and nicer.
>have 3 sheet pans of bacon in oven.
>downstairs bullshiting with coworkers.
>realise it's been over 30 mins.
>exit the elevator backdraft.
>smoke coming from oven but the hoods were on so no alarm.
>remake 3 pans of bacon

>watch co-worker step in grease while it was being dropped.
>his fancy berks kept the oil on his toes.
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>fucking interplanetary drunk
(this account of events is from friends and family, don't remember a thing)
>DD drives us to Mcdons
>Oder my food, scarf it down
>Friend goes to washroom, I eat his burger
>Comes back, pissed. "Sorry mate I called dibs" Friend tries to explain that he paid for it but I'm not having any of it
>Friend goes to order another burger, I eat his Mcflurry
>Try to instigate fight between our keeper and another guy on our team that met up with us
>Manager kicks us out
>Throw nuggets at manager
>Friends decide its best that I go home
>They watch in the car as I struggle for 15 minutes to unlock the door
>Decide I'm still hungry
>Put pot of oil on
>Pre heat oven
>Chips & frozen pizza it is
>Pass out briefly, wake up to smell of burning
>Pizza & chips burnt as fuck.
>Drunk self still wants to eat them though
>I Break pizza cutter because pizza is so burnt
>Decided to use big kitchen knife, cut my hand pretty bad
>Not thinking straight stick my hand right in the hot oil to get chips
>Wake up in hospital to one burnt as fuck hand all wrapped, other hand had a finger with 4 stitches
>That morphine though. Told my mom I was melting
>Still owe my mom a new pizza cutter.
Woks should be on hellfire.
Tablespoons of baking soda instead of teaspoons of baking powder in pancakes.
My right hand is covered in scars from the many times I've reached in the oven to take something out without mitts.

Are you retarded?

No, I am not.
The fuck up is that I've done this more than once because I'm retarded:
>heating up pan with open burner on high
>decides it needs more oil
>grabs spray oil
>sprays it vaguely in the direction of the pan because I want to die
>get offended
>end up throwing out the microwave

My parents had to do this once because I tried to dry my socks in it. The smell was unholy.
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omg loooooool
>Forgot to activate my almonds
Not cooking, but
>be me
>making a sandwich
>got all these cured meats like prosciutto, pork loin and shit
>and bologna
>run out of bologna, but there's a lot of the other meats
>think I threw the empty bologna case away
>some time later
>still me
>find empty bologna case in refrigerator
>all the other meats nowhere to be found
>look in horror at the trashcan
And that's how you waste $20 worth of food.
So you were grilling kids and there were sausages running around chasing each other??
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I put ketchup on waffles by accident. I was really absent minded
I rekt my mother in laws oven like that, I only ever had electric oven/stoves my whole lives, my gf, gas. I bought my in laws a nice plastic cutting board since they only had fucking GLASS CUTTING BOARDS since the day i met them. Well, long story short, I pre heated their oven before starting prep at their house, and 10 minutes later, fucking billowing black smoke outta nowhere, turns out mom didnt feel like the drying rack was good enough for the plastic board and was gonna dry it by pilot light. That smell/stains never really came out...she replaced that old pos stove that same year anyway.
what kind of soups though? i feel like that could work
why not dry it with a fucking cloth
>not greentext

didn't read
set a goddamn alarm ffs
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>cooking up some sketti and pasta sauce
>place sieve in sink to separate pasta from water
>for whatever ungodly reason, gf was cleaning the kitchen while I was cooking
>didn't realize there was still a bunch of bubbly soap shit in the sink
>put sketti in sieve
>the sieve and sketti covers the soapy shit so I didn't see it
>put sketti in sauce pan, mix that shit up so the remains are easy to store
>3 days worth of sketti and sauce
>begin eating
>can't help but notice a faint lavender taste
>meal tastes faintly of soap
>the rest of the pasta tastes like lavender
>3 days of pasta with a lavender taste
did it puke on his hand i don't get it
It tore him open and extracted blood.
but what is that other liquid
not blood, saliva or something

source video:
supposedly it's a bitter liquid that helps deter predators. in the video >>7270043 you can see the person is squeezing/twisting its legs so it'll bite on camera. it's kind of sad.
That made me put my hand over my mouth. fuck me, that is one if my worst fears in the kitchen.
I did something similar
>Metal shelf a work
>its all one folded sheet so the underside has a rough edge
>Cleaning under it
>pull my hand back
>scraps an big flap of skin back between knuckle and first join of my finger
>nothing happens for a second
>blood suddenly starts to literally well up out of pore? holes? in my finger at an alarming rate
>Now have a purple-red scar on that finger.
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