What meal gave you the worst shit of your life, /ck/? I remember

One night I drank 3 bottles of white wine and did a big shit at work the next day and stunk out the office block, my boss sent me home and some coworkers left for the day voluntarily.

>>5947314
Did you quit after?

>>5947318
Na I still work here, I'm at work now on my lunch break.

I once ate quail eggs that were probably old. I shat and wiped so much that it blocked up a reasonably powerful toilet (university bathroom) and overflowed onto the floor, viscous shitwater everywhere.

>>5947337
You must be popular.

>2 lbs of imitation crab on sale
>Fuck yes
>Eat all of it in one sitting
>Don't poop for a whole week
>However, spend that entire week farting
>Fucking non-stop, not even exaggerating. You could stick a whistle up my ass and I would've held a solid note for that entire week.
>Also smelled like the underside of Satan's balls
>Parents confine me to my room, creating a hotbox of death
>Farts finally start tapering off
>Sit on the toilet, just in case
>Manage to take a diarrhea dump so large that it fills up the bowl and peaks out of the water. Looks like a plate of catered refried beans.

havent had anything too bad.

worst was when we got some Blazin buffalo wings from buffalo wild wings. i ate at least 7. then some mango habanero wings.

was shittin fire the next day. had to go to the toilet like every 15 minutes only to letout a tiny bit of liquid fire every time.

it sucked.

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>>5947369
>You could stick a whistle up my ass and I would've held a solid note for that entire week.

I applaud you for this sentence. For the whole post, really.

>>5947402
Be sure to warn the BWW poster in the other thread...

>>5947369
>You could stick a whistle up my ass and I would've held a solid note for that entire week.
Awesome description.

But I wonder why imitation crab, which is basically processed fish paste, would cause constipation?

The only time I have bad shits is when I have had a GI infection (Norwalk virus, food poisoning, etc.).

I have really good shit control. I can hold it in if need be but I am also very regular and have nice clean shits.

An interesting experience was when I had to shit really bad at work and went to the washroom. I was practically doing the turtlehead shuffle when I got in the stall and, as I tried to sit down, I felt this intense sharp pain in my intestine.

I instinctively knew it was a massive log that was folding in and pinching my poo pipes. I had to gingerly lower myself without bending my abdomen.

It was a miraculous single logger that rested 1" above the water line and went straight down into the hole. It came out so quickly and perfectly that I felt like I had to shit even though it was finished (has anyone else experienced this?). It was also one of those perfectly clean wipes; I folded the used toilet paper and used it to dust my monitor for the following week.

>>5947357
I'm still with the same company but different building and location, not because of my poop though.

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>>5947464
>folded the used toilet paper and used it to dust my monitor for the following week

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>>5947369

>worked at an auto parts store and was cleaning up the registers snack food
>no one ever buys the shit because all we do is sell fucking tires
>5 full boxes of slim jims, 2 boxes of peppered beef snacks, and a box of beef jerky are all expired and going to be thrown out.
>6 months expired
>fuck that shit they are still good, im taking them home
>have a few beers and smoke a fat bowl
>end up eating almost all of the expired meat product including some day old pizza in a few hours
>hours later i feel the effects of eating such a mass quantity of old meat
>the pain is horrible, the farts were so horrible my dog ran in fear and hid in its kennel shaking
>my apartment smelled like a football stadium bathroom
>stopped up for days despite blowing ass wind constantly
>go to the store and get a laxative before i implode
>a few hours later what i can only describe as an eldritch horror was let loose from my ass
>a shit so massive i had to remove my pants to get full leverage
>no point in wiping because its gonna be like removing peanut butter from velcro
>take a long shower and consider becoming a vegetarian

>>5947281
>spoiled pork chops
pooped swamp water every 1-4 hours for a week. lost 10 pounds, pretty sure this is when i stopped eating meat too.

i just eat eggs/dairy now and kind of prefer it to meat, i like the soft fat in eggs and dairy more. pooping a lot for a week was kind of worth learning this, i guess.

>>5947464
you sound like a proffessional

>>5947281
The only memorable shit I had was after I ate this torta from a local mexican place. It was fucking delicious and I shit hard every time I ate there, but yeah.
>at bullshit college fitness class
>towards the end start feeling my intestines burn
>race towards bathroom furthest away so I'd hopefully be alone
>start shitting fire
>loads of people start coming into the bathroom
>it smells like a rotten cheese sandwich
>walk out of the stall sweating and red
>everyone looking at me
>skip my next class and go home to nap

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/k/ asks this question more than you'd think they would, and the answer is always MREs.

This is the one story I have, but there are dozens more.

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Not sure what I ate that morning (it was the first days of freshman year in highschool)

>In Biology on 4th floor of building
>Feel a sharp pain in stomach
>oh fuck I gotta shit
>Mr. Teacher can I go to the bathroom
>Run to the first floor bathroom skipping steps and jumping down flights since it was the only bathroom I knew by heart
>kick down the bathroom door stall
>pull down my pants
>pic related shoots out my ass followed by a stream of liquid shit
>feels good man
>stomach pain gone
>walk back into class as a new man

I'm thankful no one pissed all over the toilet paper that day

One time I ate a ton of imported Swiss Emmental cheese (which I discovered while studying in Europe as a boy) and the shits were so bad I had to go into hiding in my bunker for like a month.

Reheated "chinese" food back in high school.

I was doubled over in pain for an entire class period before I decided to book it to the bathroom and laid out a shit that was thick as my arm and nearly just as long.

>>5948091

I ate chinese food several times that had been sitting out for a day or more at room temperature and was fortunate enough to never get sick. I was really stupid in high school...

Anyway some beef nachos from a local place gave both myself and a friend who ate them a serious case of the rocket shits for about 3 days around 10 years ago. That was some bathroom demolition.

>>5947281

the tl;dr, I was 10 and on vacation with my family and we were driving to our destination, I insisted on burgerking instead of the other fast-food roadside options Later, there were 5 people hot-bunking the same hotel room toilet and garbage can due to food poisoning. It was not a good time.

Oysters from a Hooters near Chicago. I never had a chance.

Is it just me or do other people like to shower after a shit?

I'm pretty regular, I wake up and have a coffee with my breakfast and poop immediately after, have a shower and go about my day.

On the rare occasion that I need to poop at work or out in public I never feel properly clean and just can't wait to get home and have a shower.
Maybe I have more ass hair than others but it makes wiping hard.

>be around 10 or so
>come from wealthy family
>we decide to have Christmas on the yacht instead of at home
>Christmas Eve, not a creature was stirring except for an extremely constipated 10 year old boy who was in too much pain to fall asleep
>decide that if I don't get this out of me, I'm going to have a really shitty (hah) Christmas morning
>grab two Archie comic books, goose-step to bathroom
>plop myself down and commence pushing
>feel arse widening, but no interior movement
>PUSH
>nope
>red in the face, sweating, nothing is happening
>after about 45 minutes I start crying because it hurts and I want this behemoth out of me
>after 1 hour I start pushing with all my might, either this thing is coming out right now or I'm having an aneurysm on the toilet
>stifle my screams as a log the size of the thick end of a baseball bat slides out
>sit on toilet for 30 minutes, crying in relief
>clean wipe
>cry myself to sleep because I felt so much better
>Christmas morning, sister screams at Cthulhic abomination peeking up at her from the toilet bowl (it was a boat toilet, the ones that have really small holes and a flap that opens and closes every time you flush so obviously it wouldn't flush)
>dad has to use a bagel knife to cut it into pieces to flush it
>tosses bagel knife overboard
>got a GameCube for Christmas
>best Christmas ever

>>5947355
You probably left it too

Then some janitor who already has a shitty life cleaned it up, then went home and beat his wife.

>Be 7
>Family friend has a plum tree and way too many to eat
>We get two plastic shopping bags full
>Full of childlike curiosity I try a plum for the first time in my life
>Woowoowoowoowoo these are swinging gang
>Eat the entire two bags of fucking plums
>1hourlater.png
>Proceed to spend the next 3 hours perched on the toilet as my intestines go full purge mode

I'd do it all over again too, those plums were delicious

Half a bag of dried apricots.

They were just so good :(

>>5948173
yeah but what did you eat

>>5948219

I know that feeling. I ate a whole bag and the result must've been two feet long, I had to stand up to pinch it off and there was still more. Didn't have to wipe though.

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So I was backpacking through India right..

I had the shits for about 10 days after eating this truck-stop samosa. It could have been anything, but I'm blaming that. I needed to shit every 3 hours or so and when i felt the urge I had about 10 minutes to find somewhere. I took a shit in the street like 5 times. It was either in the street or in my pants.

>>5948247
Do you mean you just shat on the road with pedestrians and motorists in plain sight? Is that a normal thing to do in India?

>>5948255
>Do you mean you just shat on the road with pedestrians and motorists in plain sight?

yes

Is that a normal thing to do in India?

I don't think its normal, you do see it happen on occasion. However Its an act typically done by beggars and the lowest class of people. When you're desperate you tend not to care though.

>>5947995
At least 4 times I stopped and asked myself why am I still reading this.

4 days of malt liquor, cheap whiskey and milk capped off with a totinos pizza doused in hot sauce

>Sunday after work get bucket of KFC
>breakfast lunch dinner eat warmed chicken, mac cheese, mashed potatoes
>Monday night binge on Oreos in milk
>wake up with full feeling like I ate to much
>sit on toilet and give a little push
>30 seconds of non stop whooshing
>bowl filled with black shit of all sizes
>no longer feel full
>still have two pieces of chicken left

>>5948255
That is indeed, a normal thing to do in India.

>>5948255
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_peUxE_BKcU

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>>5947464
I have had some shits so big that I really wondered whether or not my asshole would rip in half. I don't really get those anymore because I shit more often now and my diet is a lot better. My god. Some painful memories.
My worst shit though would probably one time when I was really really little. I mean, I must have been like kindergarten or first grade age, and I can still remember this surprisingly vividly.

I held my shit in for like a week or something or maybe even long. I think I was afraid of it hurting or something, and being the retard that I was I decided I would never shit again. It got so bad that shit was actually leaking out of my asshole because it had no more room in my lower intestine. So I had shit covered underwer. I grandma somehow knew that I hadn't shit in a really long time even though I continuously lied to her saying I didn't have to go.

So she forced me to go sit on the toilet and shit. It was extremely painful FOR ME and mostly just mucous came out at first. As I forced myself to shit, I was also inadvertently spraying her pants with urine. Well after much effort it finally came out and life seemed really amazing after that. From then on I never held in my shit again if I could help it.

>>5947864
Believe it or not you can eat fresh meat and not get the shits.

>>5947895
Lol. I feel bad for you son. But I always go into the stall furthest from the door and I have become a master of shitting quietly. Although I used to be really embarrassed of shitting in a public restroom. But then I realized that's why the stalls are there in the fucking first place. People need to shit. So as long as I am not obnoxiously loud about it I really give zero fucks anymore.

>>5948117
I sot on the toilet and spread my ass cheeks as much as possible. That way It's a cleaner break and I only have to wipe my asshole. Nature intended us to squat when we shit. If you did that you'd notice a difference. Some people squat by standing on the toilet seat. I too fucking big to do that. It's usually short malnourished vegans with stunted growth who do that.

>I was given a box of fiber one bars once
I'll let you guys figure out what hapenned next.

I love shit stories, they bring us closer together as people.

>>5947860
>no point in wiping because its gonna be like removing peanut butter from velcro

Oh god I wish I didnt know exactly how this feels

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>>5947860
>like removing peanut butter from velcro
JESUS FUCK MY SIDES

>>5948173
Thanks you made me giggle like a fucking imbecile.

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>>5947860
top post man, top post, laughed my ass off

>>5947281
Most revolting shit was when I bought a quarter pound of that cheap lumpfish caviar, ate that with boiled eggs and a half a bottle of vodka. It came out in gassy little sprays of dark green gelatin and smelling like a box of used tampons fermented for months in the hot mountain sulfur springs of Hakone.

Most unpleasant was from a roadside food stall in rural Indonesia, didn't smell too great either but it was just run of the mill food poisoning.

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>be in english class taking final exam
>stomach rumbles
>think to myself, " could this be the calm before the storm? "
>try to focus on the exam but the storm is brewing a tornado in my guts
>ask to go to the bathroom
>teacher looks at me and says, " you know you're not allowed to leave the room once the exam has begun, Anon. "
>try to squeeze my legs together in hopes of settling things down
>a giant glob of period blood shoots out onto my pad
>I can feel the gooey wetness on my thighs and up my asscrack (you will never know this feel)
>at this point I am writhing in my seat, sweating, and looking like I just killed a man
>teacher looks at me, concern on her face
>" Anon, if you really need to go, please... just go. "
>crab run to the bathroom and slam down on the seat
>feel like I am emptying all of my organs into the abyss that is the toilet water
>there are speckles of blood and shit all around the bowl
>waddle back to class and finish with 10 minutes left on the clock

>>5948833
Agreed. Shit threads are some of the most peaceful threads known to 4chan.

It was mid-summer. The house was dark and quiet. I had strolled from my room to the kitchen to snack on something and found that all we had was a small jar of nutella. Not wanting to leave the pantry empty handed I grabbed a teaspoon of the sugary snack and returned to my computer to play some guild wars before falling asleep.

-1 hour later-

I woke with a sweat, already nauseous and off balance as I stumbled to the bathroom. I didn't know why I was making the journey but I knew when I got there something was going to happen. At first there was vomiting. My body tried and tried to force every single ounce of food out of my stomach and did not stop once this had happened. The bowel movements started and I found myself trying to expunge from both ends of my body at the same time. It took hours for this process to cease and by the time I was able to get off the toilet the sun had started rising.

I can't eat nutella anymore.

Does anyone remember a story about a kid that was with his dad at his boss's house (I think) and the kid had to shit really bad but the dad wouldn't stop talking and he was too afraid to ask to use his bathroom. So he went outside in the dark, squatted in the driveway and started shitting there only for someone to pull into the driveway, shining their lights on some fat kid shitting in their driveway? Fuck my sides still ache.

>>5949362
It really is the purest form of shitposting

I got real sick after a fishing trip this summer. I think it was from handling bait carelessly and smoking at the same time. Diarrhead on my coach

>>5950166
*couch

Probably when on a 1000 mile road trip my buddy was using a can of Dr. Pepper as an ashtray and in a moment of drunkenness I took a huge chug from it before realizing it.

What resulted probably should have been dealt with at a hospital, but long story short I clogged up a high-powered McDonald's toilet bowl with so much sloppy mud and diarrhea that it piled up almost to the rim of the bowl. And of course it didn't flush.

Any doctors in the house? What is it about a slurry of nicotine and ash that makes the shit flow like that?

>>5947281
a whole can of concentrated sweetened condense milk.

>>5947793
>folded the used toilet paper and used it to dust my monitor for the following week
10/10 reaction

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>people who treat huge shits like they're a bad thing

I don't know about you guys, but passing huge shit and passing liquid shit that explodes out of your ass feels good.

>>5947369

I screenshotted this shit and I don't do that for just ANY post.

>mom is a good cook
>makes shrimp with garlic butter but the butter was expired
>eat it, tasted good as fuck
>go play vice city after
>stomach doesn't feel good
>sweating, vomiting and more projectile vomiting into the sink
>vomiting after vomiting, haven't vomited in a good 12 years
>vomiting chunks of shramp and feeling like death
>for about a year after that whole incident, if I smelled garlic butter or shrimp, I got legit queasy as fuck and avoided it like the plague
>still can't finish vice city because of the memories and that rc plane mission, fuck that rc plane mission

>>5948181
>You probably left it too

You're right, I totally did and I felt awful. Even worse, it was in a school building, on a friday night, and the janitor was right outside the door when it happened. So either:

>A, he had already cleaned that bathroom and it sat and rotted on the floor for the entire weekend

or

>B, he went in immediately after and discovered he would be staying late to clean up thick shit gloop all over the bathroom

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This will not come as a surprise to anyone, butin August I went to North Korea and on the train back from Pyongyang to Beijing I had some kind of pre-packed lunch. A couple of hours went by and suddenly I had to shit in what was probably the world most shaky train in a bathroom where the toilet was a hole in the ground.

good memories.

>>5950657
>the toilet was a hole in the ground

Like, it was just a hole in the floor of the train car? It just fell out onto the road?

>>5950657
How hard is it to get into best korea without getting thrown into a labor camp? I heard alot of foreigners and americans travel there all the time and you only had to keep your mouth shut and not shittalk the nprk?

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>>5950682
yup yup

>>5950686
It's not difficult unless you are a worst korean citizen. You don't have to keep your mouth shut per sey, but expect that if you are talking with a guide and says anything that critizise the regime or hints at how far behind the dprk are from the rest of the world that you guy will ignore your question and leave you

>>5950657
I would be interested to hear about your impressions of N. Korea, unfortunately this isn't the best outlet for that.

What was your overall impression? Did you notice discrepancies between how N. Korea is portrayed in our media?

>>5950628
>tfw when I cant replay the Weekend at Bernie's mission in gta 4 because it reminds me of when I had Lyme's disease

My bf and his coworkers ate at a regular sushi-shack that they frequented for lunch and eveyone got insanely sick.

Literally shitting and puking at once for hours. He thought he was going to die at one point. My bf said the chef there uses the same rag to clean the counters to clean his knife and it was a cross-contamination mess, but delicious sushi otherwise.

The crazy thing is they still kept going back to that guy because he was the best sushi in the area.

>>5950828

Believing stories about North Korea in western media is in general a dangerous thing. Especially the more silly stories you hear. They don't claim that they won the world cup, they don't claim that Kim Jong Il always made hole-in-ones when he played golf, and in recent news where Kim Jung Un was gone for a month a so, it wasn't because he got diabetes from eating to much Swiss cheese.

It's difficult to get credible news from the worlds most closed country, so sometimes western media just post stories made up by South Koreans trolling the internet.

>>5950574
when you don't have stomach problems or it's not spicy food, it feels good. If I eat a huge sandwich or something that's no problem. But expired beans, a spicy burrito, or a shit ton of cheese can turn the pleasant crap into hell's sphincter

>>5947281
Turkey & avocado wrap from some diner. Thought it was weird that they brought it out within a couple minutes even though the place was packed. I was on the shitter every few minutes until 5am that night, and hardly ate anything for 2.5 days due to the nausea. That was the first time I'd had such troubles in over a decade.
I'm guessing they just had the thing made and incubating for many hours beforehand.

>>5947281
Oh so many.

But the absolute worst was Burger King. The particular location, near NTU Hospital in Taipei, has closed.

I ate there, and over the next day or so, got seriously ill with not merely diarrhea, but yellowish water getting blasted out of my colon by the contractions. All the food material had long since gotten blown out, but the bacteria were still present, and my body was trying to flush them out like mad.

Five days of that before it finally died down. I couldn't go out of the apartment because it was about 20 minutes between assplosions.

Friends were demanding I go to the hospital, but I wasn't on the national health insurance thing yet (just started work a couple of days before), so I survived on electrolyte drinks and a few candy bars.

Toward the end, I went out for food and supplies twice. Both times, as I got back to the apartment I was staying in, the stair climb (specifically, the very last step, which was extra-high) caused me to explode and ruin two pairs of pants.

The last day, I went and got some solid food, and ended up squirting out the ass in the restaurant. Felt bad about it, never went back.

> used to have a shitty diet consisting of consisting of zero fruits or vegetables
> go to visit sister who eats healthy balanced meals, plenty of everything.
> she makes a great salad for lunch, we joke about my terrible eating habits
> her qt3.14 friend drops by, suggests we go out for dinner to a new vegetarian restaurant.
> gamely play along; I'm not a fussy eater and spending more time with her friends is a good thing
> dinner consists of nothing but herbs, spices, vegetables, and legumes in combinations I have never before imagined.
> It was good, the company was good
> next morning
> fruit smoothie for breakfast.
> half an hour later start feeling a little sick.
> start feeling worse. curl up on the couch.
> getting pale, clammy
> go to bathroom, maybe taking a shit will make me feel better
> have not taken a shit since I arrived at my sisters
> shit is successful. starting to feel better...
> nope.
> shit 4 more times before noon
> every one of them a giant pile complete with gas release like a valve being knocked off a cylinder as 9 million percent more fibre than I have ever consumer makes its ungraceful exit from my body

It turns our good things are only good for you in moderation.

Really have never had any stomach issues: never had food poisoning, never ate something that made me feel nauseous.

But a couple of weeks ago, at a fairly expensive, fancy restaurant, I spent one day there as a dishwasher before quitting. The chef had a thing of heirloom baby tomatoes for salads, and he tossed them in the trash. I was like, "Oh, those look good! Lemme have them!" They were kinda iffy, some of them with small spots of rot, but after having a bunch in the days after, I totally developed something new to me: I was waking up at night, my stomach cramping, and releasing the absolute worst smelling farts of my life. I felt like dying. I couldn't sleep properly, and I was drowning myself in poisonous gas for about a week. It was horrible.

>>5948173
>Dad has to use a bagel knife to cut it into pieces to flush it

A customer left us a "gift" in form of a log the size of an arm in the restaurant I worked at. Guess who got the "chop that fucker into pieces" duty?

>>5953210
If it had been at a gas station in Indianapolis, I would have posted a "sorry, brah". BTDT.

>>5951209
If you keep eating like that your body adjusts and gets used to it, you just end up regular one poop a day sort of thing.

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White Castle. Never had it before so I figured I would give it a try.

20 sliders.
A sack of chicken rings.
A sack of fries.

It was the most ungodly, rancid, putrid, befouling gas and and shit I have ever smelled.

Food was actually pretty good. Would do it again

wasn't particularly impressive, but the dump after eating the spiciest wings at the Buffalo Wildwings was probably the most memorable, I could feel it allllll the way through my system, from stomach onward... burning, burning, and then my asshole was on fire and it was over.

>>5947281
Day old chicken pizza from papa johns that hasn't been put in the fridge overnight
I got the worst stomach age I've ever had, I thought my appendix may have burst
About after an hour of excruciating pain I felt the shit coming
I sat down on the toilet for about 20 minutes waiting for the shit to come out but it didn't
It eventually blew out like a literal shotgun blast of shit
It all came out and filled the toilet in less than half a second
I felt a lot better afterwards
But about 15 minutes later I had to take another shit. I thought it was diarrhea.
The thing it was was shitting blood
Not poop with blood in it. But I was shitting a literal stream of blood out of my ass
I freaked out but it was so late
I had to shit out blood every 15-30 minutes
The next day I went to the doctor
Found out that my shit was so violent I gave myself an internal hemmeroid. He prescribed me some antibiotics just to make sure my shit filled bloodstream didn't kill me

>>5955843
>I could feel it allllll the way through my system,
BTDT, but it wasn't spicy food, it was some sort of nasty bug in the food. Could feel it on the lower right of my abdomen, then peristalsis pushed it up, and across, and down to the lower left, and finally OUT. . . . Took me days afterward before my intestines stopped hurting.

Different event:
>>5955973
>Not poop with blood in it. But I was shitting a literal stream of blood out of my ass
Mine came out with a slick coating of blood all around it. I thought it might be cancer. Turns out it was diverticulitis.

I'm having the worst shits all the time.

I was visiting my parents about two months ago. We brought in some raw corn and decided to have it for dinner.

My fiance and my mom boiled it, but probably not enough. "Let it rest in the hot water until morning, maybe it will get softer till then."
I was like "What the fuck, I'm hungry", and I ate two corns.

The next day, I went to take a shit. I will remember this for a long long time. I was sitting there for about 30 minutes, pushing carefully because I've had these problems before and I didn't want my ass to end up torn apart.

I was exhausted at this point and NOTHING had come out yet, so I took a piece of toilet paper and checked the "thing".

Its diameter was so big that it stopped directly at my asshole. Like stuffing a tree trunk into a pencil sharpener. It wouldn't move, but when I poked it from the side, something like little stones fell off. I kept doing this, tired and disgusted, until the battering ram of doom fell out, followed by explosions of watery shit.

It was really depressing.

>>5955973
I'm confused, i eat pizza from the evening before all the time
Room-temperature pizza as soon as you wake up is the best

>>5956201
Was it chicken pizza?

>>5947281
Im only going to talk about foods that give me violent shits even when they are fresh and prepared the usual way.

>taco bell
combine with beer for extra spray

>nandos extra hot peri peri chicken
hurts so good but i have to use the shitter immediately after returning from the restaurant and it burns my anus really badly.

>hamburger helper
what the fuck is in that stuff?

>>5948117
when i am in casual mode (tshirt and boxers) i just take off my boxers and squat in the tub and wash my ass out if it was a really messy dump.

>>5948247
>So I was backpacking through India right..
everyone who goes to india has a story about some violent shits they caught.

>>5948262
its common in rural parts but people tend to do it along railway tracks (no tall grass to tickle their assholes).

>>5947895
Just blame it on a previous user. Not everyone thinks its you

>>5947281
Buffalo Wild Wings challenge

I had the worst heartburn of my life and sat on the shitter blasting out flaming turds for an hour and a half straight

>I'm thankful no one pissed all over the toilet paper that day

I choked laughing at this thanks m8

>>5948219
>>5948242

Dried apricots are the bomb, where were you guys when I made a whole thread about it? Everyone thouggt I was shit posting

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The time I ate at Joe's Crab Shack. Think it was a crab cake. It only took a fucking 45 minute period to activate, but when it did, it was like somebody dropped a Mento into some fucking Diet Coke: foamy, caramel-colored, opaque, completely liquid, and shot out of my rectum like a high-pressure fire hose.

Of course, this was all while I had my pants on.

I was heading to the bathroom while it happened, sure. But I was fucked from the outset. The minute I began to move, my bowel muscles could not hold back that torrent of crab. So, I soiled my boxers thoroughly.

The worst part is, I had to fucking drive home.

>mfw driving 40 minutes on the highway, with my anus quivering above the seat, lest I make contact and cement my boxers to my ass cheeks with liquid shit cement

>>5950574
This

>a few years ago
>go to chipotle
>get carnitas with hot salsa
>get food poisoning
>pretty much shitting lava for no less than 30 minutes
>my asshole is on fire
>literally the most painful experience of my life

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>>5947369

>>5956178
Undercooked corn? Seriously?

>>5956241
No

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These threads always have me in stitches.
Let's see if I have something to contribute.
No stories of myself, (un)fortunately.

Double Meat Cheese steak with Nacho Cheese from Sheetz

Shit for almost an hour and no one would even come near the bathroom. I heard people dry heaving outside (I was in a dorm and we had shared bathrooms)

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bay scallops at a hibachi style place.I still like diver or deep sea scallops, and many hibachi style Japanese steak house. That was my mom's last trip to the beach. ate late, the night before, up early, a 400 mile drive home on a sunny sunday. what could go wrong? plenty.. cramps, nasty "winded" liquid farts that went on an on an on. vausge naseua.. we stopped 300miles short of home. (actually at a old store/pool hall filled with huge black guys drinking 40's ...they took compassion every bodies got a mamma... hospital ride,a cheap motel with two doubles..but I will never eat "bay scallops" again. On the other hand, never forget how nice those guys were. they didn't owe us shit, but made sure we were ok.

>Eat a whole box of Fiber One bars cause I was hungry and had no food in a snow storm
>Fart for almost a minute straight ever 2mins
>Poop is like a log coated in gravel and broken glass

Super Burito Carnitas from this mexican drive through.

Gave me food poisoning so bad I was out of work for 2 whole days.

The first shit was so intense and painful that the wall of my anus ruptured and I never noticed it until I finish, went to wipe, and pulled up a shit-stained blood soaked wad of TP.

Went to the hospital and the doc gave me some some meds to prevent more ass-blasting, and prescribed some antibiotics and told me to take it easy for the next two days.

Oh, and he glued the rupture on my ass shut with that super glue they use. His fucking glove was stuck to it and he had to cut it off.

I was so embarrassed.

In my first year of university i had a 3AM donor kebab on the way back from a club just to see why people liked them so much
Had to run out of a lecture the next day so i didnt shit myself in front of everyone

>>5956460
I did that once. I just ended up with a belly so distended with gas it hurt to breathe.

>store has deep discount tuna
>eat nothing but tuna and mayonaise for roughly a week
>don't shit for roughly a week
>wake up at 4 am
>feels like a bowling ball is attempting a prison escape from my anus
>rush to toilet and begin to push
>nothing
>nothing
>begin whispering prayers and oaths to every deity I have ever heard of
15 minutes later when I inspected the damage I saw what looked like a whole grapefruit that had been spraypainted black

Peanuts.

It's my passion and my bane, no allergy, I just can't stop in time.

And the gas... it's absolutely wretched, literally painful to smell and I fall into that pit every time I see them on sale.

Worst time was when I'd just been to a tax-free shop and found a 4 pound bag.
Finished it in a weekend, it was stupid, but they were so perfectly salted my normal warning signs didn't kick in.

I've never seen people change side-walks but they did, people actually crossed the street to the other side wherever I went.

Does anyone else get really hot, sweaty, flustered, and feel like they're going to pass out when dealing with horrible shits?

Anyways, here is my story.
>years ago, going to a party in college in someone's apt
>we've been pregaming for hours with beer, liquor, lots of stuff
>stop at 7/11 on the way and grab some tequitos
>great night, fun party, night winding down, a group of us are chilling in this chicks room
>feel that rumble
>ohshit.png
>"alright guys I'm tired, I'm heading home"
>my apt is a mile away, fuck
>as I'm leaving, it hits me and I have to clench just to keep it in
>apt is on the 5th floor, so i have 5 floors of stairs to waddle down
>taking it really slow, one step at a time, trying to stay clenched
>get two floors down and realize that I'm not going to make it. decision time.
>turn and make my way back up the stairs as fast as possible; the moment of destruction was coming
>people looking at me waddle running back up the stairs
>get to the top, i'm in a full blown run now, i can feel it starting to come out
>the only bathroom in the whole apt was in that girls room that everyone is in
>burst into the room, drenched in sweat and waddle running
>"hey you're ba-" blow past them without saying a word and dive into the bathroom
>unleash the mightiest of shits ever, just straight spraying for minutes
>the music was off at the party so this room of people, including the girl who lives there, listened to me explode my ass in her bathroom
>my boxers were covered in shit so i stuffed them in the trash
>wiped my pants up as best i could
>finally come out 15 minutes later
>don't make eye contact, don't say a word, just got the fuck out of there
>never talked to the girls who lived there again

>>5956543
Yup, and every time I find myself swearing to never slack on expiry dates, refrigeration and diet balance ever again.

>>5956550

Why do our bodies do that?

>>5956556
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OWwOJlOI1nU

>>5956543
I don't, but a mate of mine actually passed out on the toilet and woke up next to it with like half a turd still sticking out his ass.
I couldn't stop laughing when he told me the next day. Shit, I still crack up remembering the still vaguely panicked look on his face as he told the story.

>>5956556
I think it's a blood pressure thing. The guy from the story has bad headrushes when he gets up too quickly from a chair.

>>5956543
Also chills, and quivering muscles.

It's pretty much a "Don't do it again you dumb fuck".

When I was thirteen I went to a summer camp about greek mythology and there was free choco milk and OJ so me and my friend mixed them together. Shit tasted SOOO cash but I was on the toilet for the remainder of the camp shitting blood soooooo.....

Oh. I only have one, and its a fucking winner.

>Basic training in the dead of winter, Ft.Leonard wood Missouri
> Entire company is snowed in and we have to go forage wood to keep our stoves going, if not chopping it down green
> No fresh chow, but MREs are plentiful
> Porta johns were nearly full when we arrived, and now its to the point the females are shitting in the urinals
>drill sergeants are afraid some moron will wonder off and freeze to death trying to shit outside the compound
>I go full bear and just refuse to shit for exactly 6 days while eating mres
>finally decide enough is enough, pack up, and clear a path for hmmvs with the ASV
>finally get back to the company area
>still cant shit
>unpack
>resupply
>have to wait till 2300 to shit
>while everyone is showering I take a book and occupy a stall
>proceed to shit out 4 2 foot logs, so compact that I can see the ridges of my intestines
>dont shower untill almost an hour later after the paper come back clean
>no sore butthole
>no stomach pains
>just good little brown soldiers waiting for orders and leaving accordingly
>sleep
>run 6 miles next morning
>poo back to normal by lunch

>>5948024
I forgot kids pissed on the toilet paper in high school. That was an awful discovery

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I tried to make that ramen omelette, you know the one. The one from that ms paint picture recipe. I didn't do a very good job so it wasn't great. But I didn't realize how old the eggs were that I used to make it.

Later that day I went to IHOP with a couple of my friends. Halfway through the meal I felt...something. In my stomach, in my bowels, both. The whole area was hard, stuck out, like I was pregnant. I abandoned my plate and scuttled to the bathroom, hunched over. In the bathroom I faced a dilemma. I did not know which end to aim at the toilet. The sensation inside me was indescribable.

Like nausea, like pain, but I was FULL of it. The source organ was impossible to determine. First I knelt in front of the toilet. Nothing came out. Unzipped and sat on the toilet. Nothing came out. My body was rejecting what I had put into it in every way and yet it would not release it. Panicked I knelt again, pants still around my ankles, stuck my fingers down my throat. Then back on the toilet, frantic. Floor, still bare-assed. Toilet. Floor. Toilet. Floor. Toilet. Nothing came out.

I went out to my friends and asked them to take me home. On the way to the car I could barely walk. Hunched over my distended belly, I hobbled like an old woman.

My friends dropped me off at my apartment. One asked if I wanted him to stay with me; I told him to go; I needed to be alone. I laid on my bed for a long time.

Then I farted. It was a long fart. It didn't lessen the pressure inside me, not by one microscopic unit. Then I farted again. And again. Again. Again. Again.

I laid there farting for hours. I don't know how many hours.

For all I know I'm still laying there farting, and the years of my life that have passed since then have been but a fever dream. I was 19 years old.

>>5949345
I'm glad I have a dick

>>5956631
You fucking curdled the milk in your stomach you dumbass

>>5956726
I've drunk both cranberry and orange juice with milk and never had a problem...

and doesn't stomach acid curdle it anyway?

>dad brings home KFC
>think "oh cool I haven't had KFC in forever"
>eat a couple pieces of chicken, some coleslaw, etc.
>after 30 minutes go by I'm farting non stop
>the smell stings my nostrils. seriously.
>45 minutes in I can feel it
>its a mix of more farting and what felt like the strangest diarrhea I've ever had
>inspect it
>it's frothy as fuck
it was like someone made beer out of my shit. I still don't understand how that happened

anything with stevia

sets my bowels aflame with diarrhea, constipation and various other side effects due to the combination of the two on my bowels for a couple days straight. Believe me, after happening a few times, you learn to avoid stevia like ebola.

>>5956755

I've had this before. It's like a goo, right? Like gelatin?

>>5956780
Idk I couldn't see anything past the froth in the toilet, but I'd assume that was underneath from the way it felt.

I was in Boston and i got a lobster from a reputable seafood resteraunt. Within hours, i felt horrid and when i made it back to the Hotel, i had dirrhea for a good half hour and it smelled exactly like lobster.


More recently, i went to the hot wing place and got the "atomic" ones ( not sure of scolville rating but theyre pretty hot my guess would be around 300,000)

I died On the toilet for an hour the next morning. Worth it through, i still go There and continue to get them

I ate three fiber bars for lunch.

Am I fucked?

>>5947281
Vodka. I drank that straight for a couple days as meals then shat out things that felt like baseballs coming out of my butthole, they looked like them too.

Like 8 years ago I was in a stoner phase. One night I got home completely blazed and not having eaten in like 16 hours. After rolling a fat roach my will crystalised to this food order from the local pizza place:

A large pizza [thick crust, somewhat canadian style], bacon/feta/peppers/fresh tomatoes

A saganaki of greek sausage. This is a concoction of greek pork sausage that is fried then cooked in a tomato sauce with a shitload of cheese added in the final stages. The cheese then melts resulting in a dish of heavenly tasting cardiac arrest.

Two kebabs [not the gyro thing, the ones that are like long shaped burgers]. raw onions/tzatziki/mustard/fries/tomatoes.

So being blazed out of my mind, when my order arrived I emptied the saganaki and the kebabs on the pizza. It was not unlike death in food form.

Ofc I finished almost everything. I fell asleep on the couch.I woke up 3 hours later, feeling the battle of waterloo in my intestines. I was both the attacker and the defender. And both sides of me lost.

It's not an exaggeration to say I spend more time in the bathroom that night, than in bed. Being that I was still kinda stoned, I remember sitting on the toilet, half asleep, just shitting for hours. I would nod off, then wake up just to push, then nod off again.

Oddly, I woke up feeling pretty refreshed.

>>5956800
Kill yourself now to avoid the torturous death that you'll receive from the impending full blown AIDS and ebola.

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One night at work I ate an entire bag of Andy Capp hot fries and a couple hours later it made me have the two most painful, stinging diarrhea sessions I've ever experienced.

And a recent one would be trying a German/Austrian dark roast coffee I bought from TJ Maxx
>wow this tastes different (fruity)
>have to use bathroom 20-30 minutes after drinking
>shit is one of the smelliest I've ever made and is a footlong log

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>>5948024
I have a better one.

>have terrible diarrhea so I have to take a serious shit
>ask teacher (were were in portables at the time) if I could use the bathroom
>I run to the magnet bathroom, because it was the closest one
>locked
>go to the next one
>occupied
>feel like I have to explode
>realize that there is a bathroom in the horticulture area (our school has animals/plants/etc)
>walk very quickly there
>ask if I can use it, teacher allows it because he's based
>run inside
>take the longest shit ever
>and I mean the LONGEST shit, it took 14 minutes for all of it to come out
>wipe and leave
>bathroom smells like hell
>there was a kid standing there this entire time who also had to take a shit
>"Dude, what did you eat?"
>I said "I have no idea, but I'm not eating that again"

That was awful.

>be like 14
>staying at fancy hotel with family
>go to six flags, eat chicken wing basket for lunch
>order buffalo chicken sandwich at ruby tuesday, side of tomatoes in red wine vinagarette for dinner
>with lemonade
>cant finish it all
>key lime pie from cheesecake factory
>no human should ingest this much acid
>eaten more vinegar than humanly possible
>11 pm, feel the rumbles
>sit up and puke in bed
>get up, puke all over the floor, grabbing my ass
>ready for the bowel cleansing, while i puke all over the hallway
>sit down on the toilet, puke some more
>cant squeeze out the shit
>all this pushing makes me puke again, shit smalls like rotten buffalo sauce
>shit finally squirts out like a fire hose, straight lava coming out of my ass
>weirdest feeling in the world, like puking out of my ass
>stream of napalm slowly trickles off
>butthole feels like it just ate a ghost pepper
>hungry as fuck, eat oreos and drink milk and fall asleep as aunts clean up the puke

>>5949345
Period shits, man. A truly harrowing experience.

I went to Florida with my boyfriend of the time to visit his parents. While there I ate more seafood In a week than I did in a year. I was fully constipated during this time. It was a mix of eating glorious amounts of seafood, and our bathroom being connected to our room and me being poop shy. This was only like a nine day trip so I figured if I held it this long, I could just hold it a little longer and poop at home. I would have used a public restroom, but beign constipated, they would have known I was pooping if I was gone for 20min. So we're out at dinner, and I need to poop. My colon went from calm to nine months of pregnancy ready to be over now in an instant. I held it. Finished dinner and people wanted to go out to another place for drinks. I was sweating and shaking at this point. When going home to freshen up came up, I pushed for that. We get back and I go lay down, trying to hold in my new quickly maturing child. I faking being tired, but I'm red and sweating, and shaking from the amount of force I'm using to keep my asshoke closed. My boyfriend asks how I'm feeling and if he needs to stay home with me NO GO OUT AND HAVE FUN IM JUST TIRED.

Que the sound of the front door lock clicking. I'm on that toilet and there was no pushing, there was no wait. There was the immediate expulsion of a round, baseball shaped poo. My ass gaped open in pain. I finally sat up to look at this and I shit you not it really was a round baseball shape. I'm guessing the force my body used to expel for the hour prior just pushed it against my bunghole in to a spherical shape. So I flush it, but not really because it goes nowhere. There's no plunger. I don't know when they're getting home. I grab the one in his parents bathroom and use it to shove it down the drain and I wipe the inside of the bowl after and flush all toilet paper in the other bathroom. So much relief.

Toilet is clogged and everyone blames my boyfriend because he was overweight.

>>5957009
Period Coffee Shits. Ugh.

>>5957028
How fat are you if you settled for an overweight guy?

>>5957073
Thin. I've dated a few overweight guys whose mothers them how they got a little girl who cooks for them.

>>5957085
You have a thing for fat guys? Or are you "thin"?

>>5957099
I have a thing for guys with nice personalities, but this is a poop thread.

>> be lactose intolerant. Every week be horribad shit week.

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I can't really think of any but one time I was with a few mates at a mall and we all went into the bathroom to piss/shit, the toilet was crowded as fuck with parents with their kids and that. I needed to shit and walked into a stall closed the door and sat down, then let off the biggest loudest fart that everyone in the toilet heard. I laughed so hard over that. Good times.

>>5957106
You ever have one of them shit on you?

>>5957117
>high school days
>in english class
>have to read some article or whatever
>class totally silent
>my friend next to me lets out the loudest fart
>just me and him laughing while everyone stares at us
fuck u farts are funny

>>5957009
>>5949345

What the fuck? Girls are disgusting.

>>5950487
>my buddy was using a can of Dr. Pepper as an ashtray and in a moment of drunkenness I took a huge chug from it before realizing it.

my jaw literally dropped, oh my god that's disgusting

>>5950487
Nicotine is a mild laxative. Eating cigarette buds makes you puke,

>>5957158
>thread full of gross shit
>get mad at the girls

>>>/r9k/

>>5957158
cooooooties....

*kissy noises*

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> Uncle and aunt are staying at our house so they can visit grandma at the hospital.
> They make dinner one day, some chili.
> Next day I am driving to a park & ride to take a bus to school for final exam review.
> Slight sharp stomach pain halfway there. Think it is just gas.
> Pain starts getting worse.
> Get to park & ride and I am nauseous, sweating like crazy, and it feels like something is trying to burst out of my bowels.
> Fuck this, I'm going back home.
> Leave park & ride, but the pain is so bad I have to pull over into a store parking lot.
> Shit my pants sitting in the drivers seat.
> It is all liquid chunky shit, and I can feel it all over my balls and running down my legs.
> Start crying.
> Call mom on the phone and tells her to get ready for when I arrive at home.

>>5948181
>>5950630
1. It's his job
2. you over estimate the difficulty of cleaning shitwater because you dont know how and you don't have the equipment

it's fine anon


>>5950686
3k for a two week trip i think, not including airfare

my worst shit was from a two hit combo of laxatives and food poisoning

>weigh in coming up
>laxative binge
>also eat at mcdonalds for the first time in a decade
>served by obese darkies
>have first laxative shit
>empties me out pretty good, solid shit, 10/10 would shit again
>but fucked me over for the mcdonalds shit
>water
>just yellow water
>for ages
>squirting every hour or so
>cant leave house because of shits
>anus raw from wiping so much
>nothing salty in house to keep electrolyte up
>have to raid my first aid bag for drinking salts to avoid death

the worst part was feeling your guts contract violently but have nothing come out

>>5957158
shit fucking happens

>>5956241
Chicken shouldn't make a difference after it's cooked though, just a bit of bad luck that it was colonies by something.

>>5949345
Did you pass the class?

>>5957601
I got an A.

>>5957620
Epic for the win.

I had these chicken nuggers at a bar once
Everyone else thought it was a good idea so they got chicken nuggers too

Apparently mine was the only one that was tainted
>wake up Christmas Eve
>feel like shit
>go to toilet
>fart up a storm, but it does not contain the beast
>for the beast is in my belly
>projectile vomit everything into the bowl
>jk my ass wants in too
>watery shit streaming out so fast I swear it lifted me off the seat briefly
>this went on for a good 30 minutes
>the diarrhea continued until Christmas

And that was the last time I had chicken nuggers at a bar.

>>5957630
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VhqbSf_fb1g
For reference purposes, I was actually like this the entire time minus the nosebleed. It wasn't pretty.

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>grandma went out and bought like 3 bags of hot cheetos
>she made refried beans for dinner
>snack on 1 whole bag throughout the day then have beans
>mfw toilet

>Another time I don't remember exactly what it was
>was sick on holiday break for senior year
>family probably got take out
>eat a shit ton
>farting all night
>one fart goes too far
>go sit on toilet at 3 am
>nearly everytime I breathe more of my insides come out
>butt hurts, legs are numb, mind hurts from not sleeping, and am actually hungry
>at one point I fall asleep sitting down
>wake up and more liquid shit runs out my sore asshole
>don't get off toilet until 6 am

>>5948425
>As I forced myself to shit, I was also inadvertently spraying her pants with urine.
Yes.

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Crave case from white castle its 30 sliders.
Brother and i decided to see who could eat the most turns out 16 is to many. The toilet was my friend that day we bonded for what felt like days but was merely hours. Never again i say never again.

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>>5956867

>>5957118
go back to /b/

>>5949564

God this is the exact same feeling I got when I got food poisoning from flappy jacks in Glendora CA. (The place is ruined for me, anytime I smell their hashbrowns cooking I immediately get nauseous).

About 6 sessions of straight puking and then teh shitting...oh god the liquid fire diarhea shits that burn your ass and just...don't stop. Couldn't eat any solid food for 3 days. Lost about 15 pounds though, so bonus!

The first time I got food poisoning.

I was redoing my whole basement In a Reno with a friend of mine who is a contractor. We decided to head out for lunch after the project was about 80% done. He said he knew of this great place downtown which he ate at all of the time and that we could head to Home Depot after for final touches. We eat and I get a big salad with a chicken BLT (later known as the BLT of Death). I take half of the sandwich home and don't think anything of it. Fast forward to later on that evening, I just woke up from a nap and see a couple missed calls. I head to my fridge to eat the rest of my sandwich and give a piece to my pup while I call back my friend. He says that he isn't feeling well and that he was going to be taking the day off, etc. I say, "oh maybe it was something you ate or drank?" While I STUPIDLY finish off the rest of the sandwich. That was around 11 pm.
At 3 am I wake up and fly to the bathroom. I ran faster than mr Donovan 100 meters At the Olympics to the bathroom. As soon as I ripped my pants down the reckoning began. I had to grab the trash can simultaneously threw up while blasting substances into the toilet.

Turns out later on that week, my friend went into that restaurant and found out that several other people came back and complained. The cook aparently had the noro virus. I say bullshit because my pup was also lethargic and not eating after eating some of those left overs.

NEVER AGAIN.

Ate at chinese restaurant with friend, got seafood dish, acquired norovirus. I was shitting every 20 minutes for 2 days straight with puking in between.

This was 3 years ago and I still can't eat the last meal I ate before getting sick. I can only now smell it without feeling nauseous.

That fucking place shut down 2 weeks later, fuck.

>>5947281
I have a puke story.

One time as a kid I went to a new chinese buffet that opened up. Everything was awesome until I attacked some mussels. They tasted fantastic but my stomach didn't agree with me.

So I asked to be excused and went to the men's room to sort it out. As I got closer to the door my stomach was reaching critical mass. I went to the (only) stall and pushed the door.

Apparently some little shit played that 'Ima lock the door and limbo under it' prank.

With nowhere else to go I lost it all over the bathroom floor. Right in front of one of the chinese employees who just gawked at me with a silly little asian D: expression.

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my boss loves off road racing and some of the most hardcore shit takes place in Baja California. Since I took pictures for work, my boss has me go with him to race his some of his trucks.

>1000 mile race in Mexico
>Im taking pictures and videos of the race
>after a few days of not sleeping well and eating the most vile looking middle of bum fuck nowhere food the race ends
>co driver and I have been talking about In and Out burgers the entirety of the race
>Arrive in some small town to stop for food
>the menu has burgers and fries
>ohgodyes.png
>Co driver and I order the burger and the power goes out in the town right after we order, but we still eat that shit like a fat kid that found a cookie jar
>Driving to our next location and I start throwing up inside the trophy truck and all over the side of the door
>Arrive at motel and spend the night having aerosol shits and exorcist vomit
>oh god im going to die in mexican motel like my great uncle
> Wake up and we drive across the border
>stop at a mcdonalds and i shit and vomit all over the handicapped stall, unfortunately most of my efforts missed the intended target
>pass out until we get to LA to drop off my co driver
>I drive up the rest of I-5 periodically stopping to mark my territory with shit or vomit like some kind of demon dog
>What was suppose to be a 6 hour drive became a 10 hour trip because of my shit/vomit trail
>end up missing almost a week of work because of that food poisoning.

Couldnt have burgers for 6 months, but at least I got to meet really cool people at the race. Pic semi related.

>>5957941
>>oh god im going to die in mexican motel like my great uncle
Fucking lost it

I'm lactose intolerant, but sometimes I just don't give a shit (no pun intended) and eat a bunch of ice cream. This leads to the worst intestinal cramps ever, followed by explosive diarrhea.

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>>5953210
HAH. DUTY.

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>>5950487
>Probably when on a 1000 mile road trip my buddy was using a can of Dr. Pepper as an ashtray and in a moment of drunkenness I took a huge chug from it before realizing it.

Different hospital meals gave me the best shit of my entire life, I was like a month in during a two month stay and just had a huge heart surgery. I hadn't pooped for a few days, but I couldn't explain the amount of feces that left my body. I had to poop in a commode and literally filled it with a gallons worth of instant potato textured shit. I felt so empty and so fucking magnificent afterwards, when the nurse was dumping it in the toilet she had to pour it out into three flushes. I'll never forget that bm.

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>big project nearing completion
>bosses invite me to a meeting to discuss it
>really casual and really happy, shit is cash
>offer me really fucking nice coffee
>i have the most intensely hostile colon
>i mean we're talking a glass of milk = brown kids jetpack to the pool tier
>too polite and british to refuse dominant american offer
>drink like three cups of literally the finest fucking coffee i've ever touched in my life
>eat a couple of donuts too
>meeting ends peacefully
>on the way home 40 minutes later
>bowels start to creak and gurgle
>the most intensely powerful farts erupt out of my ass like a gas valve
>arrive at home
>sprint inside and into the shitter like the fastest bitch in the world
>throw ass onto toilet
>asshole makes noises like a balloon full of ice erupting
>CREEEEEEEEEK-THDUMPH
>not a plop
>a thump
>literally sounds like i've just shat a baby's head into the toilet
>do not look
>wipe
>wash with baby wipes
>wipe again
>flush
>leave and pretend it never ever happened
>still have PTSD

>>5950657
>>5950702
Well, you're lucky. A Black Cuban and his family went there to visit (apparently he had to work there for a while) and was nearly lynched.

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>renting a room in some old dirty building
>the only accomodation is a microwave two levels higher (I used the emergency ladder to get my ass up there)
>there's some microwave burger in the supermarket
>whythefucknot.png
>proceed to eat the thing
>pretty awful, to be honest, 1/10 smell and 2/10 taste
>go to sleep
>fall asleep pretty normally
>wake up at 2 am
>panic atttack
>hallucinations and all, can't see a thing
>dash thirty meters to the nearest toilets in a dark corridor, hand against the wall to see where I'm going
>lock myself in
>proceed to spend the rest of the night half shitting half dozing off
>smells like hell, hurts like satan is pushing urchins up my ass all the way to my stomach
>moaning the whole time, got a sore throat from it
>wake up at noon
>missed an entire morning of my internship
>still don't know what was in that fucking burger
mfw

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>Poor ass student
>Take part in biomedical experiment for $100
>Have to fast for 18 hours, then consume fish oil
>Almost gag drinking it
>Then the horror starts
>Body starts to smell of fish
>Spend most of the 6 hour absorption interval in the shower
>Doesn't take the smell away
>Near-constant fishy belches
>Finish the investigation
>Let loose a torrent of bright orange oil from my ass
>Flush immediately
>Cleanse the toilet with bleach
>Bathroom smells a bad beach for the next 3 days
>Return for second experiment
>Manage to drink a single gulp of the oil
>Smell hits my nose
>Projectile vomit hard enough to knock the cup of oil off the table
>Scientist hears the commotion, returns to the room
>Screams and runs away
>Still get paid

5 years later, I still can't eat any fish and the smell of oily fish cooking sends me running, it was as close to the Ludovico Technique as modern ethics will permit.

>>5949571

I need this story.

>>5958239
this is incredible

>>5956867
>A saganaki of greek sausage.
That's not what "saganaki" is.

Saganaki is flambeed fried cheese. The waiter brings it to your table unlit, with a little alcohol (maybe ouzo, it's a Greek thing) sprinkled on it, and flicks his Bic to light it FWOOMPFH, huge fireball ensues. The waiter then squeezes a lemon onto it to douse the flames.

The name was derived from "Nagasaki" for obvious reasons.

>>5958239
>Let loose a torrent of bright orange oil from my ass
Hey, cool, I did that too a few months ago.

>coworker has huge Chinese wedding reception
>something like a 12 course banquet
>third to last course is a pile of "salmon" slabs, fried
>hardly anyone eats them
>my other coworkers at the table talk me into taking them home to prevent waste
>ok, why not
>take them home, put them in fridge
>next day, take them out for lunch
>eat them
>notice that the "salmon" is fake, it's been dyed on the surface to be more pinkish-orange
>clearly some other fish
>anyway
>that night
>go to bed
>fart
>feels funny, sort of bubbly
>go to sleep
>wake up
>abdomen hurts
>go to bathroom
>squeeze out a turd
>covered with orange oil
>squeeze some more
>more orange oil drips out my ass and into the toilet bowl
>yuck
>take shower
>stomach still hurts
>go back out to toilet
>squeeze more oil out
>re-shower my ass
>start to get dressed
>oh god
>remove pants
>go back to toilet
>more oil comes out
>notice the underwear I'd been wearing the night before
>bright orange stain all over the ass
>dat fart
>go upstairs
>bedding is covered with orange shit-fish oil
>take it downstairs
>throw it in washing machine
>start it up
>bathroom again
>more oil squirting out of my ass
>give up
>go upstairs
>go to bed
>clearly I am not going in to work today

That evening I squirted a last bunch out. Fake salmon. Never again.

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>>5947281
SAUERKRAUT
gave me the fucking runs for three hours, made my intestines feel like they were going to explode, and i'm pretty sure i was shitting fire by the third hour

>>5958746
It's not just fake salmon, any seafood of any persuasion from a catering company isn't worth touching after the event, even if you chill it.

>>5947995
i think i just grew a fucking six pack from laughing so hard

I have two worst times.

#1: Every neighborhood has it's local pizzeria, and mine was within walking distance from the suburban home I grew up in, in CT. I got some Chicken Parmigiana. This place had very poor inspection grades, and the decor of a 1980's Porn store. Carpeted floors, musty lighting. I ate the chicken and had a bad feeling. I became violently ill, throwing up, shitting, passing out. I slept for an entire day and a half. Completely fucked my time perception up. I didn't know where I was or what happened. I woke up in a pool of my own sweat and had literally not a shred of body fat on me anymore. It was food poisoning, and to date - the sickest I have ever been in my entire life. I wasn't able to keep food down for about a week and a half after that.

#2: Thai restaurant. Went to a show, stayed up all night, didn't eat for about 2 days. Went in to my favorite Thai joint to eat like a king. Had Crab Rangoons, Chicken Satay, Tom Yum, Crispy fried Duck, pad see ew, coconut sticky rice, Singhas, whole bunch of shit. Started to drive home and got extremely light headed. I had a rumble in my stomach, like Jackie Chan himself was practicing wushu in my butthole. I drove home, breaking the sound barrier, kicked open the door ,and ripped my pants off. Shit started pouring out before I could sit down, before I could even lift the fucking seat. The shit ripped through me like the grim reaper was sucking my soul to the abyss of hell. I stared up in to the ceiling in my pitch black bathroom, clenching my teeth and tears practically streaking my face as mounds upon mounds of shit poured out of my ass like a crate full of Milk Duds being thrown down an elevator shaft. My asshole was clapping so hard that my prostate tightened and became sprained due to the stress of my asshole. It just kept going and going. I hunched over in pain, the wafts of this disgusting shit breezing over to my sunken face as I held my stomach.

>>5948785
the significant other banned me from fiber bars for a reason

>>5958746
What you actually ate was a fish called escolar. Due to its diet its flesh contains a high percentage of certain types of fat. Said fat can't be absorbed by humans and passes through the digestive tract.

>>5958746
>chinese wedding
>even the food is fake

>drinking tequila heavily one night
>get hungry, all that I have to eat is canned chili
>chili tastes bad, dump a bunch of hot sauce and cheese into bowl
>still tastes bad, but finish it
>go to sleep without drinking water, hungover as fuck the next day
>go to work (I work as a vendor in a grocery store)
>hungover and tired as fuck
>remember hearing that coffee is good for hangovers
>drink 2 big cups of black coffee from Starbucks
>rumblins
>gotta poop soon
>decide that I want to hold it as long as possible, so that I can just launch it all out at once
>terrible farts
>banished to the bathroom by my coworkers
>halfway to the store bathroom, poop wants out
>jog to bathroom
>one stall
>it's occupied, man inside is grunting
>wait outside for a few minutes
>sphincter is twitching
>check inside bathroom again
>stall still occupied, can tell that the man senses my presence and starts nervously tapping his feet
>check inside 2 or 3 more times, man is still tapping his nervous feet
>consider going into women's restroom
>group of girls walks into restroom, decide that it's no longer an option
>check men's room again, nervous man still poopin
>know that some Albertsons stores have employee bathrooms in the back
>decide to take a chance and look for one
>fucking run to the back area of the store, am sweating heavily at this point
>see two unmarked doors that read "Employees Only"
>open first door, holy shit it's a bathroom
>door doesn't latch
>why
>try door number 2, holy shit it's another bathroom
>door latches
>go time
>almost crap my pants while taking off my belt
>shit is already flying out of my ass before I even hit the seat
>30 seconds of constant farts and poop spray
>smell is UNREAL
>formless poop mountain rising above the toilet sea level
>use half of the toilet paper roll to clean my hairy ass
>go to flush
>toilet fills up water but doesn't drain
>flush again, toilet almost overflows
>wash my hands and leave

Never wait to poop y'all

Not great but:

>watching Bob's Burgers all day, decide I need burgers for dinner
>go to burger joint down the street. It's like $2 McDonald cheese burger style burgers but pretty greasy and fun toppings. Don't remeber what two I got but I remember jalapeños and blue cheese somewhere.
>turn my show back on and eat burgers in bed
>never ending farts forever, can't even put a blanket over my butt to hide the smell. Smell is the worst I've had in my life, I couldn't stand to be around my own butt, and I usually enjoy my fart smells.

New story
>friend is over
>friend goes to bathroom so I take opportunity to fart
>something feels wrong
> hang PJ pants low because of strange feeling.
>get chance to go to bathroom and liquid shit is hanging in my panty-hammock
>remove panties, wrap them up, and toss them.
>get a little squirt out in toilet, wipe up, put Paj pants back on and return to friend
>clinch butthole for next hour
Took a week for me to be able to fart without fear

well not really the worst shit but the worst experience
>I was like 14, 15... friends insist in going to some burger place that everyone was talking about
>they had a special homemade mayo that they shoved into fucking everything
>ask burguer without the mayo but it comes with it anyway. Doesnt taste bad, im just not very fond of mayo in general. I had a long day, the place was crowded, decide I dont want to deal with sending it back to the kitchen..
> Ate half of it because the mayo taste was a bit overwhelming and it threw me off.
>get home later normally it was a bit of a short night
>sudden urge to vomit
>i vomit and I keep vomit during the night I have no idea for how long, I vomited until I had nothing else inside me but it wouldt stop (so i kept vomiting "air" and acids for a while). I started crying at some point until I was dry on my eyes too, shit was so painful. I have no idea for how long exactly but it was almost morning when it stopped.
>finally it rests, im exhausted and in pain (but considerably less), take a shower and go to bed
>2 hours later woke up in pain again, but this time lower
>run to the bathroom and its time for fun diarrhea
>there was really not much in there already, it ended fast but the pain wouldn't stop
>spend a few more hours going between the toilet and cold shower. Several "false starts" of more diarrhea but there was nothing else to come out. Mother wants to take me to the hospital but i dont think I can leave the bathroom.
>feeling horribly dehydrated, i finally try to drink some water, only to vomit it right after
>things get a bit calmer and i go back to bed once again
>sleep for over 20 hours until next day (my mother did wake me up a couple times to try to give me water, i drank a cup or two without vomiting during that time in very small sips)
it took me two days to be able to eat solids again, but after that long sleep I was able to drink tea and light soup.

Fucking mayonnaise

>11 or so years old, have a friend over
>we had dinner stupid early, start getting hungry at like 9
>look in the pantry and find boxes of nutrigrain bars
>throw ernest goes to camp in the vcr and start chowing down
>turns into an eating competition
>friend and i each quickly finish at least ten each
>things are good until the farting begins
>by the time ernest was over the basement smelled like rotting corpse ass
>i take the first explosive shit
>friend runs into the bathroom after i step out
>i run back in after he comes out
>repeat
>repeat
>we each shit like five times each over the course of a couple hours

>>5960182

So did your friends eat the same mayo? How did they feel? I am suspecting you are a little baby who had their mommy take care of them after eating the big bad gross mayonnaise

>>5960395
m8 have you ever had a serious food poisoning

I ate at an Indian buffet 4 hours ago. My butt is starting to smell terrible.

I'll keep you posted...

>>5948173
Oh god anon, you made me do that gross old man laugh

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Well I have an experience that can top all of yours, this i know for a fact

For those of you who don't know, doing opiates has a really terrible effect on your bowels

You get into the most constipated state known to man, to say the least, depending on how strong of opiates you do

>18 year old me
>dropped over 70 pounds in 3 months because i got into heroin real bad
>shooting up a gram a day, the only way i was able to support my habit was through selling drugs
>eating grapes at my house, high as fuck
>nod off and when I wake up, i realize that i actually haven't taken a shit in over 3 days, was just too high to realize it
>sit on the bathroom for half an hour, nod off again, when i look up, over 3 hours have passed i've just been passed out on the toilet
>my tolerance is fucking through the roof right now, so after 3 hours of being on the toilet i'm already sober again and fiending
>for some reason, I can't standup, my legs literally wont move
>i assume i've overdosed and am dying and having an out of body experience (previous to this, i had overdosed twice already and had similar experiences, i once felt myself floating into the sky and blacked out, when i came to, a cop had his foot on my chest telling me not to move)

continued in part 2

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>>5960553

>then realize that I literally can't move because there's 3 days worth of opiate shits clogging up my asshole
>as i try and stand, a single pebble of shit pops out of my ass perfectly, it's a round piece, surprisingly... the size of a grape
>realize that I just swallowed the grapes whole, and that the reason i can't shit is because there are about 30 full grape shit pebbles in my ass
>thank god i fapped earlier so there's moisturizer in my bathroom
>have to finger my ass to get the grapes out
>after an hour of work, feel as if i got everything out, but at this point, i'm starting to get withdrawls, and in a nodded daze, forget where i stashed my dope
>spend the next 12 hours transitioning from projectile vomiting to massive diarrhea
>feel as if i lost a child because all my hard work fingering my asshole was for nothing, as shit was purged from my ass anyways
>entire body aches as the worst fever i've ever experienced comes over me
>consider suicide, but always told myself that i'd kill myself by overdose, then realize i have nothing. no drugs, no family, nothing
>friend comes by after work and drops off a care package
>get high again and forget everything

damn i was a dumb kid

>>5958721

Don't forget the waiter and people at the table yell "OPA!" when the cheese is lit.

>>5956438
>>>>>>>>>>Starving after 6 hours
what

Anyway;

>Poor as fuck
>Literally almost homeless, getting evicted, nothing to sell, no food left
>Been living off the cheapest shit I could find for six months
>Ran out of that, began eating the left overs in my fridge to survive
>Lost 30 pounds eating saltines, ketchup and mustard
>Birthday rolls around
>At library
>Spend 10c printing off a coupon from qdobas for a free birthday meal
>Go there
>Find out it requires me to buy something else, too
>Manager is kind, can see I am but a dying wraith
>Buys me a burrito + drink and gives me another burrito + drink
>Literally the nicest thing someone has ever done for me
>Feast
>Feast like a ravenous wild animal
>But then, I feel awful
>Why, what else can you take from me God?
>Apparently my asshole
>End up frantically leaving qdobas, rushing into a seven eleven to use their toilet
>Know I'm going to kill the toilet
>Can't do that to that manager
>Open the door
>Begin to vomit
>Begin to shit
>My malnourished form couldn't handle real food
>Shit my pants, threw up on the floor, threw up on myself
>All infront of a horrified Indian woman
>I felt like killing myself

>Years later
>Tfw upper middle class now

You'll never hate "poor" people more than after you have to claw your way up from that low and they still say they "can't help" the way they live, bruh.

>>5956684
that is some nightmare fuel

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>>5956684

>For all I know I'm still laying there farting, and the years of my life that have passed since then have been but a fever dream

One time my stomach was gurgling hard and I started getting farts. Big, loud, frequent farts without any smell. I was enjoying this new found ability at the expense of my girlfriend, even though my stomach was starting to feel bloated.

Eventually the noisemakers transmogrified into the most rancid stench quenchers known to both man and womym. It was absolutely foul but, in my ignorance, I enjoyed it even more and was blasting my gf with both decibels and messy smells.

I knew something was wrong, because my stomach was actually becoming distended. But I still hopped around and even perfected the ultimate fart dance: I was wearing only a t-shirt, boxers, and wool socks and was doing the twist on the balls of my feet then alternating to my heels, all the while farting and getting some nice vibrato from the moves.

All was well until I did the fart twist on one foot and had my other leg in the air. I was laughing and being obnoxious while my gf had her hands over her nose when I suddenly shit my boxers.

Then the night of food poisoning began.

>>5956684
>For all I know I'm still laying there farting, and the years of my life that have passed since then have been but a fever dream. I was 19 years old.
You should read/listen to, "Stationary Bike", a short story by Stephen King. The audio version is really good and your post reminded me of it.

>>5956543
Yeah on the particularly bad shits I find myself frantically removing all my excess clothes and flinging them away from me. Rather than keeping on the shirt and having my pants around my ankles I find I can no longer stomach anything touching me.

>>5960407
Do you know how food poisoning works? If there was something wrong with the mayonnaise, it would all be contaminated and get the others sick since they had the same mayo. If he got food poisoning it's more likely from cross contamination with lettuce or something. This just sounds like the person can't tolerate mayo.

>>5947281
>be me, 21 at the time
>early in the morning
>have stuff to do i volunteered to do, so cant not do it (honour and stuff)
>go to place where need to do stuff
>they have coffee
>but no pots
>fuck it, take glass
>pour in 1/4 inch sugar, because energy
>fill 3/4 with coffe
>obtain 3 packs of "ohai brause"
>(that stuff works similar to ahoj (yes its a pun, they got sued in the meantime), the difference is that theres like 5 grams of pure caffeine in each of those packs, thats STRONK in case you don't know, literally says not recommended for pregnant people on the package)
>anyway, put all of them into it
>chug
>...
>got really high on caffeine for a few hours
>visibly crazier than usual (real quote)
>after like 5 or 6 hours, the crash
>headache, belly ache, dizzy, the works
>shat pure liquid for days after that
>shit was greenish

>>5957269
>just yellow water
You too, huh. This >>5951166 was me. "I know that feels, man."

How many days?

>>5957789
>I say bullshit because my pup was also lethargic and not eating after eating some of those left overs.
Why bullshit? If even your dog got sick from the same food, then it sounds like it was probably that food.

Do you think dogs can't get norovirus?

>>5958832
>escolar
Dunno about that, reading up on it, its flesh is "super white". This fake salmon was dyed on the surfaces, but the inside was still somewhat pink, just not the deep orange-pink of salmon.

I cannot recall ever had a worst shit. Not something that I can blame on what I had to eat. Brussels sprouts makes me very flatulent.

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>>5956423
>my asshole needed stitches
poor guy

Not sure which was worse, but
>Late night, out with friends
>Go to Wawa and get a buffalo chicken sub, and a coffee to stay up
>Feel okay afterwards
>Next day stomach hurts
>Suddenly, feels like a heavy mass of lead is on fire in my intestines
>Literally feels warm and weighty
>Try and shit
>Asshole burns as the ball of fire slowly makes its way out
>Don't make the connection
>Same combo of sandwich/coffee again some other time
>Same effect
>Never again.

Either that, or
>Friend doesn't like Chipotle, so he wants to go to low-tier copy Salsaritas
>I decide to get a shredded pork taco
>Stomach kind of hurts after, but nothing major
>Next day at work I'm pained by terrible pangs of hate in my stomach and intestines
>Actually doubled over in pain a few times in a span of hours
>Feel terribly bloated on top of all the pain
>Bend over, accidentally fart and it hurts
>Suddenly, I can feel it near my ass
>Trying to make its way out like a worm from the dirt
>Break my rule of not shitting at work
>Painful, burning diarrhea
>Flush/wipe forever, it seems there's still more shit
>Have to work for another hour, can't go home
>Sick the rest of the weekend with stomach pains

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>Was about 14
>Feel entirely uncomfortable shitting anywhere that wasn't home sweet home
>Family decides to take a trip down to Disney
>Drive from Jersey to Florida, it takes about a day and a half with all the stops
>3 days pass
>Haven't shit since a day before we left for Disney
>Eventually feel terrible, heavy, and bloated like a bitch on her period, can't eat because there's no room in my body
>Succumb to the fact that I have to shit
>Wait til night, when my family is asleep
>Get on toilet, and I feel it slowly making its way out, like a snail in molasses
>Feels like a giant log stuck halfway between my intestines and out of my asshole
>Gaping like a gay porn bottom
>It drops with a splash higher than the Hiroshima mushroom cloud
>Smaller, equally painful shits slide out
>Take a look before I flush
>Shit isn't brown, isn't green, but it's actually dark black, and smelled like a rotting carcas
>Finish wiping, but sit on toilet for an hour because moving at all hurts my asshole immensely.

>>5958746
>my other coworkers at the table talk me into taking them home to prevent waste

They knew.

>>5947281
I was working the overnight on the ambulance. Supper was a steak and cheese sub from a usually reliable sub shop. About 2 am I was awoken by "that feeling" in my bowels. I try to hold it in as I walk to the bathroom. I almost made it. I had forgotten to bring a change of underwear. Had to scrub out by briefs in the sink with hand soap and water. If you've ever worn EMT pants you'd know that freeballing it just isn't an option so I had to wear damp underwear for the rest of my shift. Thank God I didn't get a call while all this was going on so none of my co-workers found out.

>>5956684
>I laid there farting for hours. I don't know how many hours.
>For all I know I'm still laying there farting, and the years of my life that have passed since then have been but a fever dream. I was 19 years old.

This whole post like a really well written short story. Especially the last sentences

This was probably about 6 years ago or so
>Home from college for summer, friends and I usually go to BW3 every weekend to get drunk and eat wings
>Decent buzz one night, decide to order grilled chicken sandwich with caribbean jerk sauce. Two of my friends also get the grilled chicken.
>Sandwich was delicious
>Go home to parent's house, have another beer or two before falling asleep
>Had to be up for work at 10:30 am, but woke up at 8 am with bad case of bubbleguts
>Run to bathroom and think it's just an awful shit, but after jettisoning a few geysers, feel need to throw up
>Hastily wipe, then get down and kneel to my porcelain savior
>Projectile vomit while staring into the abyss of what my anus had just created
>Dad walks by, initially making snarky comments about me being hungover but his tone changes to worry once he takes in the whole scene
>This puke/shit tango back and forth occurs multiple times over the next 12 hours
>Later spoke to two friends who ordered chicken sandwich, they went through the same exact horrors that I did

I ate like 4 apples and 5 oranges in one day. I had to shit so bad and hardly anything would come out, so I just sat there sweating and wobbling back and forth for hours.
[spoiler]Heh, I pooped so hard I was pooped.

Ate a whole bag of dried chewy apple slices once
It was like my ass was throwing up
Throwing up barely digested apple pieces.

>>5948104
In my experience I've left out Chinese food for a day or two and it's been fine, fried rice and the like
In my defence the hotel I was staying at didn't have a fucking fridge and I was drinking a lot

>>5948117
I'm pretty regular, I wake up and have a coffee with my breakfast and poop immediately after, have a shower and go about my day.
That sounds like a solid routine mang, honestly can't fault it
10/10 use of coffee diuretic

>>5949067
Ahahahaha I forgot about the peanut butter velcro

Memorable deuces:

1) One time in hs me and my buddy scored two college volleyball players and snuck into their dorm one night on the weekend. It was your typical small dorm connected to another dorm via a small bathroom.. a tile echo-y bathroom. Me and my buddy proceed to start fooling around with the chicks in the dark and out of nowhere satans heavy fist started pounding on my guts. I knew I could shit in their bathroom cuz they would hear the butt trumpets and smell it so I literally like mumbled something and ran out the door, left my buddy and drove home about 3 miles to shit. Returned for my buddy and titties later.

2) ate too much meat one time and it clogged me up until one morning in college I proceeded to painfully push out a fist size deuce that literally left my bunghole sore that day

>>5958721
"The word saganaki is a diminutive of sagani, a frying pan with two handles, which comes from the Turkish word sahan 'copper dish', itself borrowed from Arabic صحن (ṣaḥn)."

>>5948210
get the fuck out joey

>>5957117
>>5957126
Hahahahaha
There's nothing funnier than anonymous explosions in public places

>>5957649
>legs are numb,
I get my left leg going numb every time I have hangover shits, all pins and needles too
Fuck is that about?

>>5947369
Best post ever!

>>5947793
Comedy gold!

>>5959075
>Bob's Burgers
Yes.

>>5960282
Was it a bonding experience at least?

>>5949345
This is one of the many reason i use tampons.
For whatever reason you dont/didnt use them, godspeed.

I have two stories.
>6 years ago
>my sister had a high tea at a function place organised for her daughters naming day
>lots of cakes and vol au vent with salmon and tasty stuff
>nothing out of the ordinary taste wise
>next morning feel the rumble
>I paint the bowl, flush and then vomit... food poisoning
>fast forward to later in the day, message my sister and tell her I have food poisoning and can't come to my nieces 1st birthday party
>she must thinks I'm lieing about the food poisoning "nobody else got sick"
>cant drive. get my other sister to pick me up.
>sweating the hold way, nauteous, barely able to keep the fluids in at either end.
>arrive at the party. spend the first ten minutes taking up the bathroom
>sister has a guilty/concerned look on her face
>I apologize to everyone and my sister drives me home and goes and picks up some gastrostop, lucosade etc for me

Story number two
>trying to lose weight
>start keto diet
>its working well
>that night I enema my butt and try a new toy
>next morning, no regular morning poop
>"huh, I kinda feel the need I wont worry"
>that evening I pooped alright
>THUNK it sounded like someone dropping a brick into a pool
>almost three inches wide. eight inches long
>freak out
>flush, doesn't flush
>break it apart with the toilet brush flush three more times
I'm a girl btw, I've switched up my keto diet so every last carb I do eat is fibre... what freaked me out most though was how easy it was to pass.

>>5963997
>I'm a girl btw

>>5964034
w-well I am, I was using the meem ironically

I ate $50 worth of yakiniku which is about 5 of those rectangular plates. All pure red meat which I cooked nice and rare.

It's the only time over
I've had to run almost crying into a random fast food place, beg for the key, and still shit myself a bit.

I love that stuff though, so it was almost worth it.

In middle school, it was taco day which they served with refried beans. I fucking love refried beans, even though they give me the massive shits, so I ask for some on my taco and on the side. Turns out the lunch lady only put beans, nothing else in the shell, so I only have about 3 servings of beans and a tortilla. Get to lunch table and friends don't want their beans since it looks like cat food/shit, so I stupidly add theirs to my bean buffet. I ate the entire thing. The farts were ghastly during class afterwards. They were all silent and at one point the teacher stopped class to cover her nose and complain about the smell. I sit there with a shit eating grin, never admitting it was me. Go home later and have immense, bowel-churning diarrhea. Had diarrhea shits the whole week following that.

I haven't stopped laughing the entire time I've read this thread. I needed this.