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ITT: Interview fuckups
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ITT: Interview fuckups

>Q: Do you have criminal record?
A: No and they will never find the body. *silence*
>>
Show up in a fedora
>>
>>1029646
>Q: what do you see yourself doing in 5 years?
A: Leading a small team that develops default risk models.
>Well this is a digital marketing company, I don't know that we do much of that
Oh.
>>
>Q: You visited your friends, how was it?
A: I smoked weed

I said that because I was at his workshop in his backyard. He smelled like weed after a bathroom break, so.... I just went for it.

I'm afraid to ask him to be my mentor now. It seemed all ok and cool, when I left, so maybe I should just go for it.
>>
>Q: Do you know new fad library X version C?
A: No, but I know version A, B, and D, and similar library L, M, and N.

Many IT hiring managers don't know anything and are just marking checkboxes. So as far as they're concerned, your answer stopped at no.
>>
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>"how do you feel about working on holidays like christmas and thanksgiving?"

>try to joke with him

>"That depends. You can call my mom up and argue with her over why Im not there for dinner. Haha."

>hes totally stone faced
>doesnt say anything
>just shifts his eyes downwards and writes something on his clipboard
>>
>>1029646
>>1029650
Didn't happen. If the first one did happen, NEVER JOKE IN AN INTERVIEW, THEY WON'T UNDERSTAND.

>>1029685
>What do you see yourself doing in X years
Cookie cutter bullshit for cookie cutter questions: You've been hired by them (of course), and you've now grown accustomed to your role, as well as gained a few more responsibilities and possibly a small promotion.

>>1029691
Never refer to that stuff with employers, even if you know their attitude to it is friendly (unless it's some super casual setting and seems appropriate). If they ask something like that, chances are they're just being nice, want to get it over with so that they can get to the real questions.

>>1029718
The wonders of women in HR. They don't know shit about anything, but are responsible for hiring. It's really just a racket to keep useless humanities major women hired for gender diversity quotas.

>>1029739
>try to joke with him
Ouch. Most companies seem to only send the most serious cunts to interviews, real stone faced dead-inside individuals. Sometimes you'll get an easy-going one for some "creative" company, but there's always at least a semi-serious goon that just stares at you as if you're the reason he's stuck in that room, job and life.
>>
>write down time
>arrive
>they tell me I'm one hour late even though I came at the appointed time
>tell me to fuck off

Ayy

Got a better job in the end so that was good I guess
>>
>>1029739
kek
>>
OP here my orginal post really happened. I tried to be funny but these HR bitches are literally the lowest scum on the earth so you should assume you are talking to an auschwitz guard.

>>1029868
>show up
>the HR bitch has the wrong CV and is expecting to interview somebody else
>she tells me to leave
>I literally tells her to fuck off bitch
One less IT consulting firm to apply to I guess
>>
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>>1030009
>mfw my linkedin says I hate some product and a recruiter emails me saying I'd be a great fit for some job using it
>>
Shaved your genitals recent enough to make you itchy and scratchy.
>>
>Interviewer asked what I do for fun
>Tell her I mostly play D&D
>Get into a lightweight argument about D&D editions, come off as opinionated
>Don't get called back again
Never be perfectly honest with small talk questions. Just glaze over them with some chit-chatty answer that makes you sound like a soon-to-be murderer.
>>
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>>1029646
>Interview fuckups


does it count if the interviewer fucked up?

>applying for a jerb in Montana
>interview goes well
>they slide a laptop to me
>could you please provide your facebook login?
>i look at the screen, "And if i dont?"
>well we wont be able to consider you for employment
>look at screen for a moment, "I have a better idea" Pull out my phone
>um... who are you calling?
>my lawyer. you are in violation of House Bill 343.
>what is house bill 343?
>Look it up. you all have laptops in front of you
>they proceed to research it
>the lady to the left of me realizes it first and goes so white she looks almost translucent.
>W-WAIT! W-We can forget this entire thing, start you at $20,000 more than the original offer and start your benefits today instead of the 90 day probationary period
>tell them no thanks. i refuse to work for a company that cant even trust its employees to the point it needs to monitor what they do off the clock as well

they are no longer in business.
>>
>>1029848
WOMYN IN TECH :^)
>>
>>1030752

I hope this is real!
>>
>>1030752
the fuck is bill 343? Google just gives me shit about healthcare
>>
>>1030789
I don't see a house bill 343 about Hiring or internet anything, sounds fake desu senpai
>>
>>1030796
>>1030792

jesus fuck you faggots have no idea how to google

you faggots are ignoring the fact that its at THE STATE LEVEL
stop looking up federal bills.
>>
>>1030792
>>1030796

>I don't know how to Internet
>I am an expert on using this utility
>>
>>1030752
lmfao wage slave plebs will unironically hand over their facebook logins to a bunch of dudebros just to get the privilege of working hard every day to make their masters rich
>>
>>1030780
Women in HR aren't as far removed from secretaries, receptionists, and filing clerks as they'd like you to believe.

But IT is such a fraud field that HR doesn't have the monopoly on stupid behavior that it might elsewhere.
>>
No wonder you fags fail at interviews, you can't even Google correctly:
http://leg.mt.gov/bills/2015/sesslaws/ch0263.pdf

>>1030752
Slick moves brah
>>
>>1030752
What kind of company was that?
>>
>>1030835
thanks, I don't live in a fly-over state so I guess that pdf just flew over my searches

shame its not on a fed level though
>>
>>1030811
>Googles something different than what he typed

I want you to Google "faggot" and let's see if you get the same page as me.
>>
>>1029848
>You've been hired by them (of course), and you've now grown accustomed to your role, as well as gained a few more responsibilities and possibly a small promotion.

Safe answer is safe. It will kill your chances at high end employers though. It would for example end a Google interview instantly.

Its a risk, but always show you have a spine. If they dont respect that, you shouldnt be working there to begin with
>>
>>1029646
Someone on here told a story about being asked about huge gaps in his resume. I'll green text
>apply for a job front desk at hotel
>manager asks why my longest stay at a job was only 2 months
>panic and say first thing that comes to mind
>"I have a medical condition where time moves 10 times as slowly as anyone else"
>really?
>Purposefully drop pen and say "that pen fell for 10 minutes"
>he puts down his pen and closes hia binder
>that will be all
>>
>>1030752
I want this to be real so bad.
>>
>Q: What are your weaknesses?
A: Kryptonite

Not even a smile.
>>
>What is your best quality
Being single.
>>
>>1030798
Was there some kind of settlement or was it just playing citizen cop.
>>
i interviewed for a mining job (env science), misinterpreted a question, answered it by saying im open-minded and basically said i dont care about the environment. now i work for aecom so it's all good
>>
>>1031583
I think I did this at an interview for an internship at a congressman's office. They asked what my values were, and I just answered my political views without even considering they might mean something else.
>>
>>1031327
>>1031327
But he googled exactly what OP said. OP said he lived on Montana, then he said "House bill 343"

Seriously, are you stupid?
>>
>>1031336
what would have worked for the google interview?
>>
>Q: "What makes you want to work for our company (oil/gas) in particular?"
A: I just finished college and the job market is shit. I'm willing to work anywhere that will even consider hiring me.
>Q: "What color was the dog on our website?"
A: Are you fucking kidding me.

Yeah... didn't get the job.
>>
>>1032675
>sounding desperate
You had it coming lad.
>>
>>1032681
I was admittedly unprepared for the question, but I was desperate. Who wouldn't be with thousands of dollars in student debt, a crazy competitive job market, and zero professional experience. I wasn't in a position to pick and choose where I wanted to work.
>>
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>>1030752
>mfw it's real

NICE JOB SENPAI
>>
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>apply for a job at a large Aquarium near my house
>Would be working in the HR department
>really excited about the chance as I love animals and especially aquatic life
>interview begins
>starts off quite well
>I am able to answer more basic questions without issue
>then one of the people asks 'what do you think will be the unique challenges faced by a HR administrator at an aquarium?'
>can't think of a good answer
>decide to make a joke
>realise in hindsight that it was a poor idea
>wiggle my arms like an octopus and touch my own crotch
>then say in a high pitched voice 'I want to report sexual harassment from that Octopus!'
>the interviewers don't laugh
>'ok.. and any other challenges you might face?'
>try to give a serious answer and say 'maybe some employees will have arguments about lobster care'
>they probably thought that was a joke as well
>they seemed to basically ignore my answers for the rest of the interview
>tfw I blew that chance
>>
>>1032704
don't tell jokes at job interviews, simple as that
>>
Is it all right to think for about 5 seconds before you answer a question?
>>
>>1032915

Yes. Of course. If you expect it to take a longer time to come up with an appropriate and concise answer, state that you're thinking about it and don't respond until you can actually answer appropriately.

you can use this once, at most twice without them thinking that you're generally slow, but if you give a flat answer after either time then it shows that even when you think hard about something you produce mediocre results.
>>
I've always thought maybe a joke would make you seem personable to hiring managers.

After reading this I will be a robot.
>>
>>1032957
Yeah, it's not particularly welcome once you're hired either. You'd be surprised how many people in app development not only don't have a sense of humor but actually get _offended_ by comments explaining a process or algorithm that they don't understand.

Really, what they want is somebody who'll sit down, shut up, and make 2 plus 2 equal 5.
>>
Had an interview that went really well.

The guy asked me if he would find anything on a background check.

I jokingly said "If there was anything it would be news to me".

I didn't get the job, but I did get a much better one anyway. I don't think I'd want to work for an employer that is that afraid of blowing $30 on a background check anyhow.
>>
>>1030752
this a dumb question. but how does one "get a lawyer"? like one you just call and they know you.
>>
>>1031555
I know thats a bad answer in a interview. but it makes sense (work late, focused)
God I hate interview questions.
best quality/worse quality/in 5 years.
it's like they want to test how good a liar you are. There is nothing true you can say to those questions that work.
>>
>>1032675
>"What color was the dog on our website?"
protip: always research the company first. They like that. Now the dog might have just been something you forgot, but they want interested people.
You should know things like, where HQ is, when founded, history. They were testing for that.
I learned this in 10th grade
>>
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>>1032704
>what do you think will be the unique challenges faced by a HR administrator at an aquarium?'
I hate BS questions like that. "Well we hire a lot of young people, so our turn over will be greater, and kids don't have real life experience"
>>1032915
In a serious interview it;s fine. sometimes they do bulk interviews and rattle stuff off to test timing
>>1032957
It depends on the industry. Most of the jokes in these thread were autistic spaz shit though. Remember they are much older then you and are not going to find your college irony jokes funny
>>
>>1029848
Cookie cutter questions serve an incredibly useful purpose. The same as asking any ridiculously unrelated question. They don't give a shit about what you answer, it's about how you answer a difficult question.

When I interviewed for my current job, they asked me about some technology I'd never heard of. I said I didn't have a clue to be honest, but that I'd do a bit of research and get back to them, or would try to defer them to a colleague who might know more. Turns out he'd made the technology up on the spot.

Tl;Dr it's not what you answer, it's how you answer.
>>
>>1030382
Fucking recruiters. I got contacted by an IT recruitment agency regarding a job. Turns out the job was at my current employer.
>>
>"WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST WEAKNESS?"

>Sometimes I try too hard.

>"QUICK! WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST STRENGTH?"

>WELL SHIT, I GUESS I TRY REALLY HARD!
>>
>>1032971
>App dev
>No humour

Where the fuck are you working mate? Everyone just takes the piss all the fucking time. All the funniest people I know are people from work, in various dev teams.

Even client developers have been a laugh. You're definitely in a toxic work environment.

Sounds like the kind of place of unironically use waterfall SDLCs
>>
>>1033323
well either you keep one on retainer
or you say
>i'd like to file a class action lawsuit and i have 90% of all employees affected on board ready to sign.
>>
>>1030752
>mfw MA does not seem to have any bills that forbid this
>mfw no FB account
Welp.
>>
>>1032928
or if you're really talented, go off on a 30 second tangent of unrelated (but worded to sound related) crap while you use this time to conjure up an answer, instead of sitting in awkward silence while you think of the answer.
>>
>>1030752
Holy shit, what are all the laws you should know when going for an interview?
>>
>Q: Good Niight ding ding ding ding ding ding
>Goood Night ding ding ding ding ding ding
>FIVE
>FOUR
>THREE
>TWO
>ONE
A: *squawk like a bird*
It turns out they hand't had any open positions for weeks.
>>
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>>1030752
> has the upper hand in a deal
> the deal is off because of morals
> gets nothing out of it
> *tipping*
> so epic dude! Nice win!

Am I the only one cringing at this
>>
>>1033479
Don't worry. It's not like that story ever actually happened
>>
>>1033619
You're not the only one

4chan is reddit lite now.
>>
>>1033359
>You're definitely in a toxic work environment.
Don't I know it. Also, environmentS. Fortunately my current place is much better...but I had to get out of app development.

>waterfall
No, believe it or not. I hated waterfall in college. Way too much busywork that ultimately handcuffs the little bit of actual coding at the end when reality doesn't fit the model. Then I worked a few places that totally fucked up agile.

Very top down. One or two developers, who don't know anything (about programming, the business, or both), make a few important decisions and then keep everybody else in the fucking dark about everything. Could be very few meetings or your schedule could be stuffed with them; there's no useful communication either way.

New projects perpetually miss due dates, old projects never have bugs fixed. Because it's very top down and recognizing either situation (delays, bugs) is insubordination. Wears on you so...the earlier you can recognize it, the earlier you can bail out, because if you don't, eventually they find some personality quirk to fixate on and fire you over.
>>
>>1033162
That seems like a totally normal response to me
>>
>>1031519
*tips fedora*
>>
>>1032698
Lol at the student loans
>>
>>1033162
That's not why you didnt get the job.
>>
>>1033502
UN

DOS

TRES

QUATRO
>>
>>1034094
Uno dos tres cuatro*
>>
>>1033619
This, the company was going under because of all that dumbfuckery. He should have at least milked them for all the benefits and raises he could.
>>
>>1033619
>being a whore
not everyone can be bought.
>>
>>1033619
it wouldn't have worked. Companies don't like people who know their rights. They would have found a legal reason to fire him
>>
>>1034132
I'm not trying to say that it's bad to have standards, I just think that it's a shame he folded a good hand.
>>
>>1029646
Literally they have yet to actually do a background check and I have 2 felonies
>>
Applied for a bitch level job at a jewellers once

>do you have any questions you'd like to ask about our company?
>Uh, well, I guess it would be interesting to know what particular product you see yourselves specialising in
>Diamonds. We sell diamonds, faggot.

Didn't hear back from them on that one. He didn't actually say 'faggot' but still that was probably the biggest goof I've made.
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