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random memories from your childhood thread
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random memories from your childhood thread
>be 4 or 5
>being a little faggot and telling my older brother's friend how I have 5 girlfriends at preschool
>He calls me a pimp
>I don't know what that word means but assume it's bad so I go tell my mom
>She laughs at me
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>Be 6
>Big bro instigates shit, I act on shit
>One day older bro tells me it would be funny to piss in this empty vase in our house
>He thinks I'm too soft
>walk directly over to it with parents in room right next to us
>bro thinks I'm just pulling his leg
>unleash stream of piss into vase, initial striking of ceramic interior is so loud that it makes me jolt and lose my aim
>piss all over the wall
>stream is too strong to stop, hear parents walk over so I just put my dick in my pants
>piss all over inside of my pants as I turn to face mom who looks horrified
>"anon jesus christ what did you do in here"
>hold poker face and barely mutter audibly
>"I saw the boogeyman"
>her face
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>be probably 6
>It's around christmas so my mom has all these candles out
>mom's cooking dinner or some shit
>bring one my plastic green armymen over to one and melt his head
>i think it's cool how it bubbles and drips
>For some reason stick the hot plastic directly onto my bare stomach
>scream and start crying, my mom comes in and freaks out, asks wtf i was doin
Interesting thread.

it's soon ...?
it son nigger?
Ohh – it's on nigger
Shit that took me a while

Though interesting story, kind of shows how sometimes kid may say weird shit and actually they're just covering up, uh.. well, other weird shit, really.
i have a pissing-everywhere story
>4 or 5
>have to pee
>stand up and start pissing on the wall, realize wtf im doing and start trying to pull my pants up while I'm still pissing
>my mom comes in and gets mad
>goes and tells my dad
>he comes in and gets really angry, sees all the piss and says "DID YOU GO LIKE THIS??!", and moved his hips around as if to imitate me pissing everywhere
>Then as he was wiping it up, kept saying "I can't believe you... I just can't."
>be in kindergarten
>older sister forced put nailpolish on me
>had to wear it in class and got made fun of and called a heshe for weeks
>skip forward and i'm trans and some of those people that made fun of me and called me a he-she try hitting on me
My revenge is complete
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>8 years old, third grade
>Getting off the school bus one cold thursday morning
>For some reason think to myself "I'm going to remember this moment"
>12 years later, still do
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are you a qt?
DUDE! I did that too as a kid! I have two moments save up. I just told myself "Im going to remember this moment for now on and itll be crazy thinking back on it as time goes by"
When I was 16 and really drunk, I brought up the idea of someone applying make-up on me and this girl I had never seen before was totally for it and put eyeliner on me.
She then took some pictures with me and asked me to kiss her (on the mouth)... I don't know.
>Be 8
>Walk out of gym building
>"Gosh, now after PE I feel really light on my feet"
>reach main building
>girl stares at me
>"Anon why are you in your underwear?" o.ö
>Run back to gym building
>oh hai guys I just forgot to put on my pants
>7 or 8
>get in the shower
>why does my foot feel weird
>realize i left a sock on
>well how about that
I was a maniac back then
>be 12
>have girlfriend
>call her a faggot for some reason
>"What's a faggot?"
>"Eh just forget it"
>1 day later
>"Anon I asked my mom what a faggot was"
>oh dear

... Cringing so hard writing this. I have no idea why. In my defense it sounds 1% less retarded in my native language.

I know this is too old but–
One time I was 16 and drunk and there was this huge-ass Nutella container. Too drunk to know if it is glass or plastic, so I decide to find out by dropping it to the floor. It was glass.
Ohh yeah, anon, you were a total maniac. I mean, forgetting to take off a sock before the shower? oh geeze. you must have been a total badass.
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idk. not yet not on mones long
>Be 11
>go to a boarding school
>me and this asian guy hate each other
>go to computers during lunch break
>he is there
>pull out chair from underneath him
>fucking leg it
>get into fight
>knocks me over
>slams my head into a door
>be 12
>go out of room in the morning
>mother caresses face lightly to say good morning
>as her hand goes away she hits my morning wood
>"oh sorry"
>freeze in total panic

You look good. Honestly. You have a nice face to have a mtf thing going on.
>9 or 10
>My mom's co-worker died of cancer or something, she had 2 sons (11 and 6 i think) so my mom made me play with them.
>they're actually bretty cool, me and the older one talk about WWII and shit
>Playing PS2, having a good time
>Randomly ask "So your mom died, huh?"
>They both suddenly look super sad
>Older one nods, younger kid starts crying
>my mom has a talk with me the next day
>be 12
>talk with mom because was watching porn
>"you know Anon porn doesn't display sex properly. for example, people aren't necessary shaved"
>visualize a guy having sex with a beard
>super confused why this is important
It took me a few years to actually grasp that it wasn't about having a beard or not...
piss stories seem to be trending.
>be me age 6
>need to pee
>go to mom's room instead of bathroom
>she's not there
>open hamper
>piss in hamper
>never knew if she noticed
>still be 12
>dad mentions my being caught watching porn (internet history)
>"You know how mom is, Anon, I don't think it's such big a deal... You were just curious"
>Over the years he brings this story up every now and then
>always comments "and you were just curious anyway; it doesn't mean anything"
>be super confused why this must be stated every time
>Take years to realize that there was some gay porn in my history and he was referencing that
>be 8 or 9
>during the summertime I have to go stay at my mom's friend's house because both my parents work and my sister was a druggie who couldn't be trusted
>She has a really fat daughter my age, go to the community pool sometimes
>We're playing some retarded version of marco polo, idk
>She's on one of those big pool floatie raft things
>We're both in the deep end, I can't swim very well
>stupid bitch fucking covers me with the raft trying to drown me i guess while laughing
>thrashing, struggling trying to figure out wtf to do because she's a lot bigger than me
>honestly think I'm going to die, see red flashing and inhale/swallow a bunch of water
>suddenly a life guard pulls me out by the arm >coughing up water, puking
>she says it was an accident
>lying bitch
>Be me around 8
>sensitive kid and never watched scary movies
>older neighbor kid I sometimes played videogames with decides we could watch a movie
>Candyman. Especially scene where little boy got his dangler cut off
>afraid to use bathroom for months without my mom standing outside the door
>home alone one day. had to go. terrified
>fuck that. Pee in mop bucket instead
another storie of almost drownding
>same age
>in california visiting family
>at the beach
>swimming, chilling, relaxing all cool with my cousin
>get caught in a riptide, don't realize it
>just kinda chilling, treading water
>a lifeguard swims up, and says "hey. grab onto this" and throws me the red life preserver thing
>"uh, okay"
>he brings me ashore
>my family is all freaking out and shit, moms crying
>I dont see the problem
you are a faggot
Yep, though it took me a few more years to be conscious of that.
To be honest back then it was more of a "wat" moment as in, oh, this actually exists and that's how it looks like. Not really appealing or anything.
I probably wouldn't have looked if I hadn't had a disposition to being gay, though. I remember around 10ish boys finding dicks repulsive and stuff and for me it was funny because "hey, naked people." I didn't adore dicks or anything but it never had the "ew" factor my peers seemed to have even at that young age.
Interesting looking back on it in hindsight. Thanks for your comment.
I looked up sooo much porn when I first figured out how to use yahoo. In fact, i remember specifically searching for CP (wanting to see girls my age...idk) unaware that it was completely illegal as fuck. That gave my computer sooo many viruses that my dad had to basically scrap it. I know for a fact that he knew I was searching porn, but at no point in my life was it ever brought up. I guess my parents were always afraid to have 'the talk' with me lol.
>Sister and I are little kids
>Put britneyspears.com right in address bar to see if she had a site bc she was in and my sister was a fan and we didn't know how to google.
>porn everywhere, and porn pop ups. So many pop ups
>We both freaking out yelling for mom
>who freaked out at us.

>sister and I used to chat with friends on MSN
<overhear neighbor parent group <they all just yapped together outside on lawn chairs> talking about how they went on paltalk an old vid chat site
>sister and I check it out because holy shit talking on cam instead of just text would be cool
>PMs and penis cams pop up everywhere
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>8-9 years old
>i was an asshole kid
>one day go out for a walk with my dad
>we see a rasta stoner smoking a joint
>he told me to be careful with that people
>cigarrettes ''without orange filters'' are drugs
>''okay dad''
>3 days later
>playing with friends
>stupid girl of neighbourhood pisses me off
>i see her father smoking a cigar with white filters so I thought it was a joint
>''you should worry about your father smoking drugs''
>she starts crying
>calls her father
>Her father comes with other neighbours
>they start reprimending me, even yelling
>''my father told me white cigarrettes are drugs, that's why i said it''
>five minutes after yelling at me, another guy says ''well, tobacco is a drug too''
>they start to argue about the tolerance of tobacco in society
>I ran away to my house
>10 years later
>they hate all my family
>don't even wave at us
>mfw idgaf
>mfw they are still mad about that shit
>11 or 12
>using a school computer
>no filter, derping around with friend and yahoo'ing stuff like "naked people" or "penis poop"
>type "bigbutts.com" in the search bar
>Specifically remember the first thing I saw was the banner with this huge wrinkly fat black ass covered in cum, with a big black dick next to it
>we both instantly close it out, agree to stop using IE
>continue to make microsoft sam say dirty words
of course im the only one in my house who knows why they don't greet us
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Is your dad Ricky Martin?
I can imagine it being awkward as a parent. My dad, unfortunately, lacks these inhibitions and even now (at age 21) I find myself having rather awkward conversations with him. He's really cool with my being gay but now I get talks about gay people and AIDS all the time. But big picture is he just means well.
It's kind of funny how as kids we managed to fuck up computers so much. At least I did. No idea how but I've managed to render two computers completely unbootable by just doing what I thought was normal stuff. I couldn't do it if I tried it now.
I hope you're doing well with your parents, though. :)

I think we've already established that, my dear. ;)

Yeah, it's a shame how these vid chat sites are just cluttered with horny people and penises. Especially as kids when you're just looking for some innocent fun and are suddenly exposed to such things.
>specifically searching for CP
I forgot to refer to that; that is of course pretty hilarious in hindsight. It reminds me of some guy who took a picture of his nephew's search history and it had something like "lady with large boobs" in it. I just think the use of "lady" is really funny.
>5 or 6, playing on neighbor's jungle gym set
>get on the monkey bars, realize wtf i just did as I'm dangling there
>too scared to drop down 1 foot or move at all
>start crying
>my friend gets his parents
>they come outside and just kind of watch me swing my legs and cry
>my parents hear the commotion
>my dad walks up to me, i hear him mutter something along the lines of "jesus christ, michael.."
>Picks me up and sets me down on the ground
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>Candyman. Especially scene where little boy got his dangler cut off
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>Be a first generation immigrant poorfag.
>Be 6 years old and have a sister who is 8.
>Take baths together to save money.
>Decide to poop in the bath tub because fuck it, 2 feet is too far to go potty.
>Take a shit in the bathtub, and continue with bath.
>She never notices.
>mfw when I tell her 22 years later.
similar story here

>about 10
>in class
>girl i liked back then goes to get some water
>put a small piece of paper in the hood of her hoodie
>dunno why but i had written something on it
>fucking fuck bitch
>she takes it out
>starts crying
>hits me
>runs to the teacher and shows the piece of paper
>teacher mad as fuck
>i start crying too out of defense
>trying to make it look like she was the bad one for hitting me
>nobody believes me
>teacher called mom
>mom disappoint

funny enough this girl looks like shit now.
>fucking fuck bitch
You wrote that on the paper?
I remember I always used to make the background on my computer a really low-res blown up picture of a motorcycle or the band Kiss or something. I also went on albinoblacksheep, milkandcookies, and ebaumsworld a lot. that showed me a lot of fucked up shit as a kid.

*sigh* ;_;
>3rd grade
>my older brother lets me listen to that papa roach song "last resort"
>at school, talking to my friend about it because i thought it was cool and edgy
>quote the line "don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding"
>girl who always tattles on people for the stupidest shit overhears us
>gets all wide-eyed and instantly runs off and tells the teacher
>she calls my mom
>brother has to use headphones from then on
>my mom still tells that story at family gatherings and thinks it's really funny
>im just like ok
>other kid at school is foreign
>speaks weird German
>"hey Anon where are you from?"
>Says "Poland" (instead of German "Polen")
>lol as that literally means "butt country" in German

That kid would also tell us about how he often heard his parents doing it lol
holy fuck. i thought it was funny...
i even pretended i was tripping and it accidentally landed in her hood.
i couldnt even explain myself because it was so fucking retarded...
>Super depressed in beginning of high school bc still in closet before transitioning and dysphoric as all hell. Also very bad social anxiety.
>skip days, even weeks, contemplating dropping out
>fuck it I can do this it wont be so bad. Todays actually going ok
>teacher calls me inside during lunch
>"are you all right anon?" "yeah i'm fine" "all right, because no offense you look like shit"
>fuck this. Stopped going back for a while
>decided to give it another shot
>math class, it's a funny class, kids like to joke around, light atmosphere but I still was the recluse that never talked to anyone
>girl suddenly pipes up, loud, getting whole class attention "I just wanted to say congrats for staying at school for a whole week" hands me crude certificate drawn on random piece of paper.
>fucking moritifed, blank out whywouldyouevendothis
and yea I dropped out grade 10 and graduated doing online courses at home.
>be me at some young age
>at a crowded pool with the family
>no bathrooms
>"dad I gotta pee"
>"umm... just pee in the pool anon"
>step up to side of crowded pool
>pull down trunks
>release the golden shower
>everyone screams bloody murder
>still have no clue what's wrong
>dad is laughing his ass off
>somehow manage to get away without being confronted
>hear that they had to close the pool and pump it or sumshit
Similar story
>be 11
>girl in class is more mature than rest
>call her a whore constantly
>she complains to the teacher eventually
>we have to talk about how I call her a whore all the time

I think this goes in the same category, namely the "just why" category, aha
kids are so fucking cruel sometimes.
i dont even wanna think about all the damage ive done because i didnt think about anyone elses feelings.
That's very well put.

At age 10, I'd figured out where to hit a classmate of mine to make him cry and I just used to always do it. I don't know why. I was never a bully otherwise, at least definitely not physically.
another one

>be in elementary school
>around 8 years
>have a girl in class
>bad kid calls her "cunt" all the time because in my language it resembled her name
>dont know what cunt means
>call her cunt as well
>call her cunt in class in front of the teacher
>teacher freaks out
>mom has to come to school
>i dont even know why lol
teacher thought I was on drugs btw when she confronted me, but I had never done drugs. I just was underweight, pale and had eye circles because anemia and depression
Yeah I figure it was just a joke, but at the time I took it very very bad
I used to get shit like that all the time because I was stoned everyday of high school. preppy girls would come up and be like "OMQ!!1 are we like, turning into pink elephants??!1 lolol are your eyes red??" and whenever I would say something in class they would all giggle and be like "rofl hes so high!11l ol".

it's pretty cool because I convinced one to try tripping on DXM and she apparently had a really awful experience and was in a mental health clinic for some time. all her friends gave me dirty looks after that kek
>be 7
>in train with mother
>see newspaper with title "child pornography"
>it has `child' in it so it must be interesting
>"Hey mom what is child pornography"
>be 11 at hotel for hockey tournament
>be in sauna with friends
>get dared to piss on the hot rocks
>piss all over hot rocks and coil
>makes entire pool room smell like piss so everyone vacates
>pool to myself. Winrar
>be 11
>run around the room with penis out of pants but hidden by shirt
>girl catches wind and tries to catch me
>eventually get annoyed
>"ok enough"
>lift shirt
>whole class just freezes
I didn't think it was such a big deal.

>be 12 in swimming lesson
>girl really proud that she can open her eyes underwater
>does it and tells us to make hand signs
>friend says it would be funny if I dropped my trunks
>drop trunks while she's watching underwater
>girl almost drowns
That girl was the really sweet but innocent kind. Bless her
people thought I was a stoner I guess. I have never gotten high still.
>be 4 or 5
>hanging out with a neighborhood kid same age
>daring each other to do random stuff
>my dachshund is with me
>dare friend to lick dogs butthole
>he says no
>double dog dare him
>he fucking does it
>I'm amazed that he did it, say ew
>next day go to his house
>his mom answers the door and says he told her
>she mad
>says I can't play with him unless I apologize
>nope out of there and never return or see him again
>be 14
>found a yahoo group
>porn of girls 13-17
>fuck yeah dude
>step dad talks to me about it

I mean....yeah it's illegal but I was just trying to look at girls my age.
>10th grade
>get high everyday before school, think I'm really good at hiding it when I'm not
>in biology class, teacher is this super crass major bitchola
>Fail her class pretty much the whole year, i think i passed with a 60
>Talking to her after class after having turned in a bunch of old work
>Clearly high as fuck
>Tell her something like "yeah I'll do my work now I was just kind of lazy last semester huhuhuhuh"
>She smirks, says "You've turned a new leaf?"
>say "yeah" and leave
>Thinking about that moment the other day
>Realize what she was implying
>fucking bitch
>be me
>be 10 years old
>have 2 older brothers
>mom bought live crabs
>put in the sink
>minding my own business in the room watching Saturday morning cartoon
>brother sneaked in the room holding a crab
>I turned around and saw a crab an inch away from my face
>panicked and cried
>couldn't breathe because that's how I cry when I was a kid
>mom slapped me so I could breathe again
>brother told my mom he was rescuing me from the evil crab
>be 5
>see movie where guys tells a girl that she has big breasts
>later tell mother she has big breasts
>she kind of ignores it
>repeat it
Just... why

>You've turned a new leaf?
That's clever!
> Be 7 or 8
> swimming pool
> my younger sister just walks out of the pool, leaving arm floaties behind
> think to myself: "today I'm gonna be Jesus 2.0, walk on water and shit"
> put floaties around ankles
> start walking on shallow end, "this is working out well", floaties still in place
> feet touching pool floor
> suddenly, it gets a little deeper (about two feet or so)
> floaties instantly run up to thighs
> my feet can't reach the pool floor anymore
> immediately turn upside down
> desperately wiggle my arms in hopes of getting to the safe end again before drowning
> succeed after about 30 seconds, felt like hours
> take a breath, remove floaties
> look around
> no one noticed
> back to swimming
I had a friend who went through that exact situation. If it's you michael, go fuck youself you triple nigger.
nope I posted my pic above
>playing with that same neighbor kid, 6 or 7
>we're talking about what the "worst cuss word" is
>he says he knows, but can't say it
>I keep asking him, and he spells out "p-e-n-i-s"
>I say "Penis?"
>He freaks out and says he's gonna tell his dad what I said
>Runs inside
>I go home
>live in fear for the rest of the day, kept looking out the window and expecting his dad to come over and yell at me
>4 years old
>at a bday party
>"time to break open the pinata!!"
>gets in line first
>gets stick
>swings it everywhere
>hits everyone in line
>ambulance noises
>never invited to a single party again
awww lol
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>reading this
>step up to crowded side of pool
>pulls down trunks
I am michael but that's never happened to me.

>brother and i had one pc
>he turned out to be gay
>had all this gay porn saved on the computer
>i was around 13 and just looking for porn my age
>searched for so much cp
>old times, cp everywhere
>downloaded tons of it
>so many viruses
>computer fucked up
>dad who its pretty experienced with computers offers to help
>he quickly finds out that something uses most of the pcs hard drive space
>explorer, searches through directories
>me standing behind him, suddenly it dawns on me
>he will find it
>one more folder
>hope he doesnt find it because i even put it in 10 subdirectories
>he finds it
>all hope is lost
>he opens the folder
>tons of cp
>tons of gay porn from my brother
>father closes window fast
>"son. so much porn..."
>dad leaves to work
>"promise me not to look at so much porn"
>leaves without expecting an answer
>never talked about it again
>tfw your dick almost kills
>be 12
>be bored
>carve the letter Я into knee with a paperclip
My teacher saw it after and shrugged it off, and my mom didn't care that much, either. Kind of odd.

>be 14
>bored again
>want to carve "KILL" with a ruler into arm
>give up halfway; looks like "YI"
>it kind of scars and takes two years to disappear
>get asked by virtually everyone what happened
>"oh, I slipped"

Haha, yeah.
... I kind of have a track record of pulling my dick out in front of friends. I don't really know why.
>13 or 14
>at my friend's birthday party
>have a plate of ice cream cake
>sitting on the couch next to this girl that I think is a qt
>The ice cream cake is still really cold&hard, have to kinda force my plastic fork through it
>Piece comes off, the plastic fork flings it into the air and it lands in qt's shirt and onto her underdeveloped preteen bewbies
>she doesn't notice it at first, i have no idea wtf to do so I say nothing
>she suddenly jumps up, produces a piece of ice cream cake from her shirt and is like "wtf?!"
>I act surprised, pretend that I didn't just do that
>am mexican
>always hung out with mexican cousins
>five of us ranged between 4-9
>we all gather in closet to whisper to each other
>three guys, two gals
>incest inbound
>lol just kidding faggot
>talking about cuss words
>oldest boy says dad is a "mother fucker"
>oldest girl says mom is a "father fucker"
>we were gasping and glancing around so much
Too old for this thread, but the sheer stupidity will compensate:

>be 20
>be in office at military service (Switzerland)
>Lt. needs something printed
>Lt. is a fucking asshole
>something is always wrong with the way it's printing (the paper, the format, the picture quality...)
>notice he wrote "agusut" instead of "august"
>dont say a word
>Other Lt. comes in
>Uhh Lt. this is misspelled
>"Private Anon why didn't you say so!!!!!!!!!!!"
>"oh i didnt see it"
>boil in anger
>"excuse me i have to go out"
>punch into wall
>ok fuck that hurt
>ok fuck I can't stretch my fingers anymore
Long story short I broke my hand and had to have surgery. Herp derp.

what are you, a fucking boot pog?
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>be 7
>not wearing underwear for some reason
>Day of school play
>We have to get in our underwear to get in the costumes
>I remember I have no underwear
>Decide I don't care
>Get butt naked in front the whole class
>Everyone is covering their eyes and teacher is yelling at me
>be like 3 or 4
>we have a computer
>with internet
>i can use it freely
>go to favorites
>click links
>accidentally hc porn
>actually like it
>surf on the site for a while
>mom comes in
>sees what im watching and start yelling
>i have no idea whats happening
>dad runs into the room
>throws me out
>go to the computer again that day
>no porn anymoar
>had no idea it was bad

It really was interesting
mein negar, i did that too, it was in school back when i was in like 5th grade with me mates, good times.
Yup, I was in the office (Büroordonnanz in German), no idea how to translate.
It's the best function to have, really. I'm not the outdoorsy type. Seeing as I knew how to use Microsoft Word and even use formulas in Excel (gasp!) I was the king of the office. Easy life.
underrated post
Just busting your balls. I like your attitude, glad to see you're so honest and forthcoming. Not like the ones we have here (US). Good for you.
It's because it's tasted blood... and craves for more.
one more:

>around 13
>on trip with friend who had learning difficulties
>its a camp for people to "learn how to learn"
>i just went because i had problems focussing on stuff
>on the way there meet 2 girls around our age
>8/10 at least
>they were kind of into us, flirting so hard
>at 13 i was completely oblivious to flirting
>be rude and stupid and childish
>they still flirt and keep us company
>at the camp my friend tells me about how the girl was super into me
>realize he was right
>super beta mode activated
>try to beat her in dodge ball match to prove my worth
>i do
>she isnt impressed
>she ignores me the rest of the camp

couldve lost my virginity 5 years earlier than i actually did. not the only occasion i fucked up badly.
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Aww, thanks, that's kind of you to say! I'd never compare it with US military, though; that's a whole other level.
I made a lot of friends and had good ties with the superiors during that time, and I think the major factor was attitude. I didn't gossip and I didn't try to fuck with the soldiers who were actually out the entire day schlepping huge hoses and stuff while I was sitting in front of a computer with a roof over my head.

Aye, probably good not to have lost your virginity at age 13 in hindsight, no?
>be around 10 or 11
>mom not home, friends come over
>hey lets look the p stuff
> lol ok
> we take our pee pee out of pants and start fapping without carring about each other

>be 8 or 9
>for some reason really interested in what other boys' my age dicks look like
>Have a hispanic friend
>Follow him into bathroom
>His penis is uncircumcised
>I'm completely fascinated, had no idea some boys had a turtleneck
>still mildly resent my parents for cutting off half my dick at birth
all those missed opportunities.
i always knew about sex so i wouldnt have a girl pregnant or something but holy fuck all those years of sweet young pussy...
I have tons of those stories but a little older. We'd just be in the same room and fap... :/

Oh gee, this warrants one story:
>be 12
>with best friend and sister (9 yo)
>take off pants and do this weird kind of sexual dance
>best friend reads comics like he wants none of it
>sister and I continue
>eventually whip out penis from underwear
>rub against pillow
>rub until dry orgasm
>"phew, well, I'm out of breath"
Pretty sure the sister saw me whip my penis out. Oh god why

Aye, yeah, that's another way of looking at it. But I guess everything seems better and clearer in hindsight.
>Be me
>Be 2011
>Be 17
>I've already had sex at this point
>One saturday at home
>Dad starts talking about the o'l birds & bees
> It's kinda late for that, dad. I even have a girlfriend.
>be 11
>sleepover at friend's I see 4 times a year
>in pyjamas start derping around
>derp around in a sexual kind of way
>friend eventually sits on top of me and "rides" me
Did something like that
>playing in snow with friend aged about 10
>girl I know comes along
>'hey anon and anon, watcha doin'
>For some reason I reply 'oh fuck off you fat cow'
>she goes home and cries while her mother comes and finds me and rips into me
>claim it was just a joke
>turns out I like psychologically damaged her permanently about her weight
Being 10 was fun
it's okay, Lloyd. You're going to be just fne
This might be my "darkest" story. I promised to myself I'd never talk about it but I'm on a roll here...

>be 12
>be alone with 2-year old cousin
>cousin is playing
>hmm could fap
>start fapping with cousin 10 ft. away from me
>cousin turns around
>briefly looks at my penis
>continues playing as if nothing happened
I feel really about it. I guess I don't have to explain the hornies you get at age 12 though.

Oh, along the same lines:
>be 12
>in living room watching tv with mom
>kinda horny
>turn revolving chair to be unseen
>fap then and there
>turn back after as if nothing was
I really, really, really, really hope she didn't figure out what was going on there. Fuck, fuck. Fuck.

I don't have any trouble with the gayness of it, seeing as I'm gay... Still kind of weird that it happened.
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>be like 8
>chillin in the playground
>some friends come over excited
>anons, we know how babies happen!
>says you start kissing a girl
>says you take your dick
>says you put it inside her
>"I don't like cider, I like coke"

mfw years later I am gay
>I feel really about it
I feel really bad* about it

Did you already know when you were 8?
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Here's a fable or two.

>be 5-7ish
>cousin and I swimming in my Florida pool
>she shows me her butt underwater (I could never open my eyes without goggles and I cant to this day)
>I show her mine
>gesture her to show me her crotch zone
>she refuses
>I show her mine
>I had no idea what I had started

An Epilouge
>be 6-8ish
>same cousin is over at my house with her family
>were alone in my room playing board games
>suddenly I feel compelled to strip nude
>ask her to
>she refuses
>start doing shit on the floor for no reason
>we bump butts
>we bump crotches
>she likes it
>asks for more
>i don' wanna
>get dressed
>couple days later
>tell my mom what happened
>she gets shocked look on her face
>cousin's mom grounds her
>around this time i discovered porn
>couple years later realize cousin used me as a vibrator

>elementary school
>meet up with girl from next door
>go to a field and lay down in some straw
>talking about random things
>"Why don't Africans just drink their own pee? It's really warm and they have so little water so they should just drink their own pee!"
>she says "Ewww" and starts laughing
>be like 5 or 6
>get visited by aunt and uncle
>late in the evening i'm already in my bed
>big sister overhears a conversation between my aunt and my parents
>aunt talks about his son putting a peanut in the nose and picking it out of his ear
>next day siter goes up to me and wants me to put a peanut into my nose
>I do it
>try to get it out
>notice I cant get it out
>call mum and dad
>parents try to remove it
>peanut even deeper in nose
>have to drive to hospital
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I also remember being a 12 year old porn addict
>skipping happily to my room with dick in hand
>hear a familiar hum
>computer is already on
>stop dead in my tracks as I realise mother is there and browsing my history
>oh god muffy the pussy slayer, anal makes her squirt, its all there
>'anon what is pornhub'
>leg it down thise fucking stairs
>godspeed on the devils thunder
Yeah I got into a lot of shit my mum always bought it up in front of friends and family
Somewhat along the same lines, from age 6 to 8 I was really interested in getting people to stop smoking. I don't know why; no relatives of mine smoke. I used to ask smokers why they did so and how I could get them to stop... I was planning on writing a book about it when i would be older. I don't know.
>be me six years old
>one day talking to best friend and playing with wrestling figures
>somehow start talking about watching our parents porn tapes
>suck his dick under his bed
>mfw this happens at least five more times around our neighborhood
>mfw I've been getting the urge to suck did recently
>mfw I might be gay
>mfw I have no face
>Childhood best friend I knew since we were in kindergarten
>used to have sleep overs
>grade 7 playing games on his computer, he reaches and tries to grab my crotch
>"wth you doing?" brush it off. he tries again a few more times. straight out whips his dick out in front of me. straight up tell him not interested, no chance.
>he avoids me entirely after that in school and out even when I try to continue friendship
>he's still closeted gay.
>tfw trans now myself.
I still miss him, he was a good friend, but totally friendzoned.
Hey, when you were serving in the army, where you out?
i vividly remember my circumcision
Parents did it late as hell, i was 4 or something
Remember laying on my back on a cold metal table
Doc told me if i needed to pee that i could, but had to say so first
They injected my dick with Novocaine then started cutting away
Legit watched them take a knife to my cock while my parents watched
>10 or 11
>sitting in science with m8s
>teacher says were going to make our own sherbet
>make sherbet, we all get to keep a packet each
>friend says we should snort sherbet
>snort sherbet and eyes start to water and go red
>start coughing for some reason
>go back to class with our eyes all red as fuck
>some guy who didnt know what we were doing asked if we were on drugs
>we all immediately deny it accept this one fucker
>kid still has sherbet under is fucking nose
>vice principal and counsellor pull us out of class
>full on serious talk about drugs
>tells us effects of cocaine and how it fucks you up
>tfw explaining this to 11 year old kids
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here's another one
>be 7
>bored in school
>devise plan to escape
>during recess, hide a mask in a hollowed out tree stump
>next day
>eat left over pasta for breakfast
>needed carbs
>also take a bottle of water
>need to stay hydrated
>school starts
>people start singing oh canada
>halfway through I book it out of the classroom
>make it past the hall monitors
>teachers calling out my name
>can't stop me
>make it out to tree stump
>grab mask, put it on
>down water, was getting cramp
>wearing all black
>start running
>old man on porch sees me
>"what are you doing out of school?"
>"I broke out of the joint, don't call the cops"
>old guy laughs his ass off
>eventually I get bored and go back to school
>teacher sends me to principal
>"listen here Steve McQueen, we don't need any more escape attempts."
>don't get the reference
>years later I still laugh my ass off

you're shitting me, right?
I thought he said "you put it in cider."
Out as in did I tell people that I'm gay?
Yes and no. I didn't think I would survive military service in the beginning so I told someone rather quickly that I would go to a psychologist and tell him I have tons of trouble about being gay and that it shouldn't be too hard since I am indeed gay.
Then I didn't tell anyone for a few weeks, then eventually some people in the office we'd grown familiar with.
Funnily, we had a new guy in the office and I basically told him right after he came. We had a blood donation thing going on and I said I wasn't allowed to donate blood (sex among men, protected or unprotected, automatically bans you here). He asked why and I casually told him that I was gay. I partly blame sleep deprivation for just randomly mentioning something like that.
Sorry if I'm getting too long. I can elaborate more otherwise.

>age 7 or so
>meet up with a friend of mine
>suggests we meet some of his friends
>he has dubious friends
>go over to their house
>see them on the street
>they have tucked their dicks behind their waist bands with the tip looking out of the bands
>they jump around and pee all over the street
lol that reminds me
>be 10 or 11
>Me, 2 other friends trying to fuck with these kids that live in the house behind mine, there's a fence separating our 2 back yards
>Hear about how you can get high off sharpies
>We're throwing trash over the fence, screaming about how high we are off sharpies (idk..)
>suddenly their fat dad appears over the fence and starts screaming at us and saying he's gonna talk to my parents
>he never did
>still see that guy sometimes, he waves hello
>I guess all is forgiven
if I was your neighbour I would've sprayed you with a garden hose.

cold water is more effective on scaring off little shits.
> be 4 or 5
> see dad on roof of barn
> no ladder
> how the fuck did he get up there. Web
> go investigate
> climb up 30' ladder
(Hidden so I wouldn't see it)
> decide it would be funny to scare dad
> cue sneaky feet
> yell hi dad
> his face
nigger what's wrong with you
Oh shit, that went way over my head (inside her ~ in cider). My bad, thanks.

I'm not obviously gay. I'm not the manliest man but I don't lisp or stupid shit like that. I don't have trouble showering with other guys and I don't think anyone who knew was bothered by me because I didn't act awkward or anything.
I never told any superiors because I regarded our interactions more of a business type of nature.
I never got bullied for being gay (in military or outside of it) and I think it's a huge question of attitude. I can take a joke, you know? I also have a good gut feeling about whom I can tell about being gay and whom I should rather refrain from telling.
The only issue was when a comrade gossiped and told someone else who came directly to me and asked me in the middle of the dining hall if I was a "man kisser." I handled it well but that had some potential to go downhill.

Also lol at recruitment they do that test where they touch your testicles to make sure something isn't broken (Leistenbruch?). The doctor then asked me if I felt fit to serve military service and I thought it would be funny to tell him that I was gay (after he touched my balls, y'know). He had bit of a weird expression; it was hilarious.
lol yeah there were a lot of times in my childhood where I definitely needed my shit slapped
he's black?
>be 4
>mom down at wash
>stereo suddenly malfunctions and makes horrible sounds
>run down to washroom in panic
>be totally scared to be alone for weeks
>even mom going to the bathroom was a huge issue
She later said she was going half crazy during that time. hahaha

LOL that's a great story
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anybody ever get hardcore deja vu as a kid? i distinctly remember once in second grade i dreamt about coloring some picture yellow and saying "why" (still don't remember the context of the sentence)

happened a while afterwards (not like a year later but months onward. blew my fucking mind

Category "cruel"
>be 8
>classmate brings a little Pikachu that goes on top of a pencil
>the Pikachu gets a lot of attention
>not into Pokémon, decide to remove the Pikachu
>steal it at the right moment
>classmate is devastated by Pikachu's disappearance
>it becomes a huge deal
>teacher asks if someone wants to come forward
>go home like nothing happened
>put it in some box or whatever
>few years later throw it away
It didn't bother me at all. Still doesn't.
I still get hardcore deja vu as an adult.
I get those about two times a year. The worst thing is I usually forget about them...
I distinctly remember when I was 12 dreaming about riding in a car, in the middle, with my best friend on one side and the girlfriend on the other. And exactly that happened a few days later, which just blew my mind. I even remember distinctly thinking that it was an odd dream and not probable to happen when I woke up.
I guess one theory is that we dream of so many situations that some are bound to happen, even if they are rather specific and improbable. That's how I explain it.

In contrast to >>581906254:
>be 11
>be in store with nice pebbles as decoration
>hmm what if I just took a few
>look around
>shit there is surveillance
>take two pebbles and put them in pocket anyway
>heart racing
>i hope it wont beep when we walk out the store
>seriously very nervous
>worrying that someone saw it on camera
>worrying days after that someone is going to come after me
>be 3
>standing in my hallway
>think to myself "I will forever remember this moment"
>still do 20 years later
I used to complain to my mum and friends about how much my erection hurt constantly when I was 11. Maximum overwhy
>be 9
>hang out with friend
>friend has to go soon for guitar practice
>walk past church
>"I have to go in 30 minutes"
>lie and say that the church is one hour too early because of recent daylight savings
>"Oh ok then I have to go in 1 hour & a half"
>friend obviously misses guitar class
>no regrets
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