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Feels/baw thread.
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Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact.

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Feels/baw thread.

Share your story

I'll start
>be me age 20
>stuck at home attending commuter college
>friends all moved away
>everyone at college has jobs and are always busy
>grades aren't good enough to transfer out
>all math courses which i'm terrible at
>stuck in traffic both ways
>come home to family fighting, garbage everywhere
>stay up til 4am locked in my room playing vidya and listening to music
>go on facebook to see people I knew partying thousands of miles away
>remember what teachers used to say
>"yeah, high school sucks anon. But wait 'til you get to college! Best years of your life!"
>my face

its a long fucking story but the basics was

>mom and dad fight a lot
>mom sold the old couch for pot money
>she and dad fight
>despite mom being in the wrong, he gets kicked out of bed
>no couch to sleep on
>decides just to sleep with me
>this became normal for awhile, even after we got new couch
>dad would just sleep with me if he and mom were arguing
>Around nine years old cuddling got pretty extreme
>looking back, I realize his cock was hard against my ass most nights but i never thought about it
>he'd mostly just massage me, and that felt good
>sometime before I turned ten it went on to rubbing my ass and even by dick
>I remembered reading about the "no no dolphin in school"
>for some reason didn't seem sexual
>this becomes routine for awhile
>by the time I'm 11 dad sleeps with me most nights
>fucking stupid cuz it was a crazy small bed, i was cramped in the corner
>we were right up against each other the whole fucking time

okay so

>11 years old now
>dad often just sleeps in boxers and a tank top
>he strips me most nights while we are in bed
>some nights I go to bed naked with anticipation
>im in middle school now and started rugby, so his massages really help
>by now hes starting to finger me
>some nights it goes well
>some nights he hits some shit and just grunts and pulls his finger out
>I start making it a habit to try and clean myself out before bed most nights
>even though his finger burns most of the time
>I use the trick he uses to finger me, just circle my ass until it opens on its own
>cleaned out before bed
>dad spends half the night finger banging me
>at first it burns, but i go with it
>after a while its just straight up freaking pleasure.
>he rubs my cock a lot while I do this, still doesn't seem remotely sexual to me, just a massage
>he claims that I was constantly grinding against his cock
>one night while fingering me he just puts my hand on his dick
>it was that fucking moment i realized it was sexual

will continue

>dad has me play with his dick
>keeps complaining im too rough/squeeze too hard
>I keep trying to spin it around in a circle
>he spits on my hands and just makes me go up and down
>next day he lets me skip school
>doesn't tell me why, just doesn't let me go
>played mario part 2 all day
>he doesn't sleep in my room for a little while
>by 12 hes back in my room and finger fucking me again
>makes me lay my head on his chest
>wraps arm around me
>fingers me while he jerks himself off
>ocasionally makes me do it.
>sometime around there (maybe 13 at this point, i dont remember, but it was definitely middle school)
>he starts having me lick his cum a little bit
>I think its gross
>he stops for awhile, just cleans it with a towell
>one day mom has a super fucking freak out about cum covered towells
>dad leaves for like a week
>mom sits me down and starts asking me questions
>I say i dont know what shes talking about
>she thinks im too old to sleep with dad anymore
>say i dont mind cuz i got a bigger bed since middle school
>she says it doesnt matter
>dad comes home eventually
>things go back to normal (or non-sex normal)
>suddenly dad gets thrown out of bedroom again
>comes back to my room
>it happens again
>this time im really fucking happy about it
>when done he makes me eat most of his cum
>i literally ran into the bathroom and puked
>about once a week mom kicks him out
>he comes to my room and makes me eat his cum
>love being fingered, hate the cum

more coming

>this goes on til highschool
>by highschool i actually dont mind the taste
>to make him happy I actually suck it right out of his dick when hes cumming (there was some other shiz going on that i felt bad for)
>still dont like the taste but love the feeling when hed call me a sperm bank.
>at this point tho, i preferred it when he fucked my ass
>I remember he started doing that the summer before highschool
>instead of waiting for at night though he did it when he came home for lunch break (he and mom both worked)
>the first time it was no fucking warning
>I walked right out of the bathroom and was surprised to see dad was home
>he grabbed me by the shirt
>threw me on the bed
>pulled my pants down
>I was fucking scared cuz i didnt know what was up
>thought I was in trouble
>pretty sure he knew about my bag of pot
>hated mom doing it so probably didnt want me
>was expecting a spanking or some shit, but next thing i know a really slippery dick goes right in
>it hurt, but at this point i had been fingered for years
>dude lasted maybe 20 seconds, but it was hot
>we hadn't had a chance to fuck for 2 weeks cuz mom was on these new meds that made her sleep heavy
>had fewer reasons / attempts to throw him out
>after that it became a regular thing
>I loved being fingered, so quickly adjusted to getting fucked
>much preferred him fucking my ass
>by end of summer he was doing it every week day
>fall started up and i go back to school
>I was failing (not too smart, plus always smokin pot)
>dad got too horny to wait for mom to throw him out
>decided to just sneak out since she was fucked up on sleeping meds
>Some nights fucked me
>on nights I knew he had seen my grades (they were fucking posted online) I'd just let him jerk and then eat the cum

for some reason my dad really hated oral, except when orgasming. outside of that he maybe had me suck his dick once.

more coming
came in expecting a bawww thread

got a whole lot more than i bargained for, what the fuck /b/ you never fail
>be me
>be born in average family
>above average smarts, average looking, fit
>have great parents
>3 good siblings
>have the freedom that few can brag about
>be able to do whatever I want, whenever I want
>get into great college for engineering
>get degree
>settle into nice job
>get some nice friends
>feel sadness

why do i feel sadness when i have everything?
>why do i feel sadness when i have everything?

Maybe you aren't materialistic?

>around christmas dad comes to fuck me
>mom walks in and sees the entire fucking thing
>for 2 weeks, things are fucking crazy around the house
>shes always crying
>always stoned
>Always throwing stuff
>I stay in my room most nights
>dad is constantly not here
>few times he is mom threatens to call cops
>mom keeps talking to me, and i keep saying its okay I like it
>mom talks about arresting dad
>taking me to psychiatrist
>Taking me to this and that
>im 14 and all i care about is not having this made public
>I promise we'll stop if we can all go back to normal (considering this had been going on for 5 or so years, this all seemed like a not big deal to me)
>school starts up again in january
>I come home from school
>the TV is gone
>half of moms clothes are gone
>three days later dad comes home and finds that all her jewellry is gone to
>mom fucking left

this is basically where it started to get ugly.
what college?

>so halfway through freshman year
>mom fucking vanished
>I'm really fucking mad at dad
>I lock my bedroom door at night
>most nights he just wiggles the knob and then returns to his room
>I really fucking hate him for making mom leave
>no one fucking cooks, no one fucking cleans, and she was my mom, I loved her to death
>she had her moments (the drugs, the selling our stuff, cheating on dad) but she was my mom, you know?

>one day I come home from school
>dad fucking ambushes me
>rapes me in my room
>I'm yelling the entire time and he just covers my mouth
>i dont cry, I try to yell
>honestly kinda liked it
>when i was done he just left
>next day he does it again
>that day he tells me he was actually figured and thats why hes been home
>third day i come home from school
>my room is gone
>there's just a pool table at one end, and an air hockey table at the other
>mixed between pissed and happy
>find dad
>he moved all my stuff in to his room
>its just thrown in the closet
>he refuses to moves mom shit
>i sleep on the couch for the next week
>he starts coming out and fucking me there
>maybe one or two were actually forced
>a few were "forced"
and then after that I just went with it, and went to bed with him after it happened
>by summer me and dad are in a groove
>I really fucking miss my mom, but life with dad is cool
>he got a new job, paid better, and without mom buying drugs we had more stuff
>dad didnt like games but liked to keep me happy so our living room was gamer central
>hed only ever play super smash
>for some reason he was epically good at it
>he usedi t as a way to get more sex
>Everytime we played, loser had to get fucked
>i never once fucking beat him on that game
>basically did it when i was playing too much and wanted to fuck

more coming

>anywho by summer I had been growing my body hair quite a bite
>dad started asking me to shave
>i fucking hated it, and liked my body hair
>he starts threatening to take away all my games
>we still sex but im pretty fucking mad about it
>sometime that summer I agreeb ut he has to shave me
>dad starts shaving my body
>i feel stupid, and stop hanging out with my friends as much, cuz they'd notice my hairless legs since its freakin summer
>School starts up
>First day
>friends laugh at me
>at home i yell at dad for making me look like an idiot
>he yells at me for not just wearing jeans
>I yell cuz its still fucking hot as balls out
>next week was basically rape, and yes I did cry at least twice from it
>at one point im sent to school psychiatrist becuase dad keeps me up all night
>sleepy all day
>sleep in the afternoon
>never do homework
>almost break down and fucking tell him
>winter comes
>jeans 24/7
>dad goes back to shaving me
>things settle back in
>dad and i start having sex
>we start getting into kinkier stuff
>every once in awhile dad makes me dress as a girl (really fucking hated that part)


>most nights dad has me in nothing but a skirt, fucking me from behind lately
>sometimes lets me just ride him (still in skirt tho)
>cold months die down
>spring comes
>rugby season starts up
>first week and legs are still shaved
>i tell dad after first practice that it needs to stop
>he doesn't want to fight, but makes me promise we can start again sometimes in the summer and all through winter
>I agree
>hair starts growing in
>rugby coach calls me into office one day
>he asks about normal stuff
>eventually it comes up that he notices my leg hair has been growing
>puberty etc.
>he says its okay to be a late bloomer, and if anymore of the team gives me trouble, just to tell him
>im kinda shy and stuff and explain i actually started awhile back, and that i just shaved my legs
>he asks why, and i didnt know what to say so i just said i liked the feeling
>he calls me into his office about twice a week after practice to talk
>somehow my legs always fucking come up
>says he notices i haven't been shaving them lately
>asks why if i like the way it feels
>tell him its becuase people make fun of me
>towards the end of school he starts talking about how hes remodeling his house and hopiong to get a lot done this summer
>he says he needs help
>for weeks just keeps dropping hints
>idc, gonna game all summer
>finally coach says he'll pay me to help out
>other students overhear and want in on it, a lot of em closer, he says he'll think about it
>last day of school he asks me again, but no one else
>he tells me he'll pay me twenty dollars a day, for 1 day a week
>fuck yeah
>Tell dad
>hes proud
>fucks me in the ass of course
>still expects me to shave legs since summer started
>I do

jesus this is long

anywho, it continues

>first day of work at coaches house
>wants me to paint
>I do a shitty fucking job so he has me quit halfway through and makes me a sandwich
>says he notices im shaving my legs again
>i get all fucking shy again, and he says its okay
>he tossles my hair
>its at that moment i realize somethings up
>coach continues paining wall in his shorts while i eat my stupid sandwich
>decides to take off his shirt half way through
>instantly boner
>I suddenly realize i have an opportunity
>always wanted to suck dads dick
>hes not into it
>coach probably is
>I went right over to him and just started feeling up his cocks in his shorts
>he drops the fucking roller
>he smacksm y hand away
>we stare at each other for like 5 weird minutes
>i just drop to my knees
>next thing I know I got a cock in my mouth
>apparently im fucking awful at it
>the entire time hes like "Teeth... teeth... teeth..."
>very rough ride, but im loving it
>pulls out just in time to cum on the floor
>tell him im usedto swallowing
>at first hes fucking shocked
>then he laughs
>then hes fucking shocked again
>sends me home with 20 dollars
>our habit basically becomes me coming over
>doing a bad job
>getting served lunch
>giving him a blow job
>going home with twenty bucks
>this goes on all summer
>sucking coach by day
>fucking dad by night
>one day coach is talking about how badly he wants to fuck me
>I tell him next week
Can we go back to baww thread please. No more child rape for fucks sake.
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Why the fuck are you posting this shit
I find it interesting, any more?

its my feels story.

>he says its not safe with someone my age
>I say I'm used to getting fucked in the ass
>shock, laugh, shock, laugh
>next week i come over, making sure to clean myself out
>as soon as I get in I strip down to my jock strap (i was a retard and actually kept the cup in, cuz i thought that was part of the fantasy)
>he tells me to my clothes on and get to wrok
>today im putting down floorboards
>halfway through im not doing great
>he finally just grabs me by my shoulders
>brings me to the couch
>starts pulling my pants down
>he begins to eat my ass
>i didnt even know that was a fucking thing
> it feels just as fucking good as a cock, all soft and wet
>just wehn i start to get really into it, its gone
>next thing I know cocks there
>hes pushing it in really fucking slow
>I'm already used to it so just push back really fast
>it hurt more than I expected, but all i did was grunt
>hes shocked and trying to fuck me slow as to not hurt me
>I just keeep slamming my ass back, harder and harder,
>I'm exhausted cuz with dad I usually dont do any of the work
>already tired from floorboards
>keep pushing back on it anyways
>he smacks my ass and tells me to call him daddy
>i freak out for a second
>almost have a panic attack
>think he knows my secret
>smacks my ass again and tells me to call him daddy
>I do it
>he fucks me for like 20 minutes
>way longer than dad ever does
>finally is about to cum
>tells me to turn around
>I say no, I prefer it in my ass
>he tries to pull out, but im the one backing my ass up
>dudes creams in me
>he holds me in place
>turns me around
File: Yesterday.jpg (2 MB, 700x4542) Image search: [iqdb] [SauceNao] [Google]
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I've been meaning to look for one of these. My old best friend's little brother just fucking died out of nowhere. I don't know what or if to say.

Was going through my saved images just now with this new spiffy animated gif viewer hack (from back in the days of XP) and I get to this and all the images saved from the thread I started saving from. Threw on the song.

ctrl-F baw.

Yes please.

>hes sitting on the couch and im sitting on his softening cock
>Tells me to jerk off fast
>I start jerking
>doorbell rings
>he jumps, I fall right off his cock onto the floor
>im scrambling to get my clothes
>he is too
>we get our shorts on before it rings again
>coach opens the door
>its my dad
>he wanted to take me out to lunch today during his lunch hour
>coach nervously says "yeah, of course"
>gives me my twenty dollars for the day and says "see you next week"
>dad takes me to his car
>tells me to take off my shorts
>I take them off and he starts driving
>has me lay down across the front seats
>starts fingering my ass (his favorite thing to do
>tell him im not "clean"
>he doesn't care, horny as fuck (later found out he was fucking someone elses ass but had to stop halfway through, so came to see me)
>i try to get away but dad gets his finger in
>by the time im out of reach, his fingers covered in cum
>at first he thinks nothing of it, but as he wipes it off he realizes its not shit
>he pulls it up to his nose and sniffs it
>dad crashes us into a fucking car
>were at a stop sign
>other driver gets out and is freaking out over the back of his car
>I'm trying to get my shorts back on
>dad is lost between the crash, and his cum covered finger
>he actually fucking sucks it to make sure and starts gagging
>my dad goes out and starts yelling at the man
>I'm fucking terrified
>dad finally gives the man his insurance card.
>we're going home
>dad calls in work on the way there, saying he needs to take care of his son
>we get home and dad just begins massively yelling at me
>calling me a faggot
>Telling me im going to get aids
>Telling me i deserve to get aids
>i keep saying im sorry, i dont want aids, etc.
>actually fucking smacks me for the first time since I was a kid

more coming. longggg ass story

>Dad tells me its time I got fucked
>I say im sorry ill go clean out
>he says not to, leave the cum
>we get back in his fucking busted car and he takes me to the park
>he drags me right into the mens room, gets in a stall with me, and pushes my ass up against a hole in the wall
>I later found out this is where my dad was fucking an ass earlier, and the other guy had to leave
>we stand there for like an hour
>everytime I want to say something he either says "shh" if someones there, or smacks me if no one is
>by now its afternoon, people are getting off work, and someones actually poking their dick against my hole
>its a tiny fucking dick, and the stall between us makes it barely fit but he starts fucking my ass
>i try to leave but dad holds me against the wall, covering my mouth with his hand
>guy cums in my ass (just barely)
>dad finally lets me put my clothes on and takes me home
>very next day he takes me to doctor
>claims he caught me whoring myself out at the public park and i need to get tested
>they can do some tests that day, but claim that they wont know anything ofr sure until a 3 month period
>dad continues to fuck me during this time anyways
>after three days hes cooled off and we never talk about it
>i still go see coach once a week for the rest of summer
>he still fucks me (has no idea what happened)
>school starts up, I stop shaving
>dad and coach both lose interest in me (coach not as much, still makes me blow him, but less ass fucking)
>one time another student almost walked in on us in his office, and after that I was never called into coaches office again
>by end of september its time to get tested again
>tests are negative
>I feel great
>dad fucks me maybe twice a month now
>coach not at all
>feeling massively horny

>I end up starting to go to the gloryholes myself
>mostly just suck dick cuz i love it and dad never lets me
>for some reason the variety of cum makes me like it more than usual
>I start eating cum almost every time
>occasionally let a guy fuck me in the ass
>winter comes, i start shaving my legs
>dad starts fucking me once every two days again
>january rolls around and dad calls me into the bedroom while I'm playing mass effect
>already pissed off cuz of that
>dad informs me that he just got a call, and he has HIV
>says i need to get tested
>wait another three fucking months
>no sex with dad at all
>I stop going to gloryholes
>im fucking going crazy about cum, but knowing about dads HIV im scared
>late april i get tested
>Everythings negative, clean bill of health
>celebrate by going to the gloryholes and sucking dick again
>shame very next day
>can't tell dad
>end up telling coach,
>was hoping he'd help me
>instead started fucking me again
>loved it, but more STD scares
>dad starts fuycking me again (this time with a condom) about once a month
>most of the time just finger fucks me
>no longer lets me eat his cum
>every few days still sneak off to gloryholes
>mostly just sucking guys, sometimes letting them fuck me
>start crying a lot cuz im scared im going to get an STD but too horny to stop
>by end of school year coach agrees that he'll take me to get tested
>after test is negative admit im still hella active
>he asks me to stop but i tell him i dont know how
>asks me how it started
>finally just let it all out crying about how my father started this, and took me to the gloryhole etc.
>he actually tells me to get a ride with him after school
>takes me home
>for the first time in my life, i spend the night just being lovingly cared for by a man
>at most, dad would cuddle/massage me
>for first time in life think i might be in love with a guy

>summer goes around the way it normally does
>dad fucked me only once in june
>maybe twice in july
>I go over to coaches at least 3 days out of the week
>we begin to start doing normal relationship stuff
>end up doing research and learn its hard to get HIV from sucking dick
>end up going back to the gloryholes on days coach is busy
>life is all hanging at the pool
>buds over for games
>dad rarely home
>hanging and fucking with coach
>I start bumping into my dad at the gloryholes during lunchbreak
>one time he gets in my stall and talks really dirty while I suck guys
>one monday rolls around and im extra horny
>go to gloryholes
>end up staying there from morning til night
>left only to get some mickey D's.
>end up sucking at least 20 dicks throughout the day
>coach texts me and asks me to go over to his place
>coach asks what happened to my mouth
>I have major fucking DSL
>i say "idk"
>night goes normal, he makes pasta alfredo (my favorite)
>before we eat he starts making out with me
>like 3 seconds in he jumps back and is gagging
>my breath smells like a lot of fucking cum
>we end up arguing for the better part of the night
>I tell him its not big deal can't get hiv
>he says i can, can also get other STDs
>says i betrayed his trust
>tells me to leave
>gives me a to-go dish with alfredo
>felt so fucking bad cuz coach knew dad doesn't ever cook anything good
>cared enough to still give me a meal after I betrayed his trust
>dad comes home and wants to fuck
>i say fuck no
>by now im back to sleeping in my own room so he just shrugs it off
>he ends up going back to gloryholes that night
>I cry all night thinking about coach.
>tell dad.
>he's proud.
>fucks me in the ass of course.

this made me laugh, I'm sorry anon.
Oh lawdy, didn't even check what the thread was.

Fuck man.
That is some shit.
Damn son.
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>i keep texting coach throughout august but he doesn't respond
>school starts up again and first day back I go to see him right away
>principals in the room and im running in looking like im about to cry
>feel like im gonna vomit so nervous
>end up just saying i need to know when tryouts are
>coach smiles at me and tells me to stop by his office after class
>all day im freakin out
>i actually have him in US history this year, so its torture just sitting there
>watching him as he gives his lecture
>End of day finally comes and I go back to his classroom, empty
>go to his coaches office (near the field and gym)
>hes there waiting for me
>I immediately start crying and apologizing
>dude just gives me the greatest hug i ever had
>we talk it out and he says he wants to be with me
>wants me to stop going to gloryholes, but knows its hard to quit
>we end up going back to the way things were
>i end up staying most nights with him now, dad doesn't even care
>fast forward a few months
>literally hadn't seen dad an entire fucking week, work was calling for him
>idgaf, no rugby practice so going home to play some halo
>a few games in i get horny from people saying they "raped" me whenever I lose
>argue with coach over text for an hour
>tryna get him to come over
>he doesn't think its safe
>I want him to fuck me in my dads bed and pretend im his son
>we do this a lot
>but only at his place
>he finally gives in
>i go back to playing halo
>hear car pull up, assume its coach
>its dad

>dad comes in drunk, got fired a few days ago
>only found out today
>been on some drunken spree
>dad decides to rape me
>dads fucking huge and still more muscle than fat (though it was piling on)
>dad goes right ahead and rapes me, no condom
>scared as fuck im going to get hiv
>another car pulls up and I start screaming for coach
>hes only fucking knocking so I scream and scream louder
>coach finally just comes in and sees whats happening
>im not crying but just screaming my ass off
>i can't see cuz its behind me but
>coach basically just starts swinging at dad
>dad tries to fight back, but he drunk.
>coach ends up owning dad
>just grabs me by the hand and gets me out of there
>one of my neighbors sees me naked getting thrown into coaches car
>no one in coaches street saw me, but fuck if it wasn't the most awkward naked car ride
>end up staying the night at coaches, lets me wear his baggy shorts and shirt
>next day we dont even bother going into school
>he takes me back to my place to get as much of my stuff as we can
>i ask why and he says im going to have to stay with him for a little while
>dads home but hes asleep as fuck
>coach and i round up all my clothes, 2 of hte video game systems, school stuff etc.
>go back to his place
>next day life resumes as normal, but now i live with coach
>no one knows at school, I end up taking the bus there
>only ride home with coach after rugby practice when everyones left
>dad checks in on me via phone but we dont see each other
>towards end of school year he asks me to help with moving
>dads losing the house and getting kicked out
you shut your fucking mouth, this is a good read.

>me and coach help dad, but its awkward almost no conversation as we box up his stuff
>hes going to go live with grams
>Asks if i want to come with him
>before i can even answer coach says im staying with him til graduation
>suddenly afraid of what the fuck I'd be doing after graduation
>end up getting into facebook, find my mom, reconnect
>we talk a bit, but mostly avoid the subject of dad
>she wants to help pay for college
>she agrees to pay for half and the other half i can take out in loans
>i say we'll see
>coach keeps trying to get me to apply for all these far away colleges
>im not fucking smart
>not fucking excited about leaving him anyways
>we almost break up arguing over whether or not i should go off and live my own life
>those nights he'd go sleep on the couch, and id feel lonely in bed
>most nights he'd sneak back in while i was asleep
>wake up with coaches arms wrapped around me
>almost break up again when I find out hes been fooling around with another student
>at first im really fucking hurt but remember i still go to gloryholes once in awhile
>we dont openly discuss it but we find a very happy place
>i plan on going to florida for college
>Day after hs graduation coach asks me to switch to UCLA and stay with him
>he ends up paying for the other half of my college, and i just live wtih him

theres still more that has happened since then, some sexual, some dramatic, but this is as far
as i can get tonight /b/. to summarize, im about to graduate from college, and coach and I are
still together.

ask me anything?

whenever i post this people say it should go in baww threads.
It's a good story, but this is the part where I can't suspend disbelief anymore.
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Looks like it is one, with 3 images, go go

But seriously, read most of your story so far man. That is a rare thing we'd like to think is only a twisted fap session, not a damn life that's being played with. Good to see it wasn't all miserable, however you were led to cope and live, yah...
Did you get an HIV test since your dad raped you last? and post pic with coach since you're no longer in school
Coach seems like a damn fine pedo. Kinda glad you found that dude.
Damn son.

coach and I actually broke up about 3 months ago. woulda been sooner, but he was in the hospital and neither of us were ready to deal with the break up while that was happening.

hes better now, but i dont do more than check in on his facebook these days.


most of its kinda just second nature to me now. now that coach and i are no longer together im a lot less comfortable with a lot of it. but Im tryna look at it as me needing to be as stable on my own as i was in that sort of relationship.

idk though. its "fuzzy" these days.
...so you are gay and into incest then?
I only read the first two posts
You are going to burn in hell. You are a no good homosexual monster who fucked his dad. I hope you die feg

gay yes, but not really into incest. i mean it wasn't bad, but honestly the idea of him being my father never really appealed or appalled me.

i was too young to really know about it as a fetish.
>Be in college
What the fuck are you bitching about anon? Spend a day in a welfare office.

"and coach and I are
still together."

"coach and I actually broke up about 3 months ago."

Which one is it you lying, AIDS ridden homo???????
Sounds good man.

Hell, I went through a much more traditional mental break and just spent 3 years in bed-confined depression. Booze was a good friend when I realized I was 21.5 years old, went ahead and would finish a liter every 3 nights, would buy 2 at a time.

It's been about 5 months since I tried some hallucinogens and snapped back into my old self -- if not a lot more callous and worldly, from my superfluous time spent here during those 3 years.

As a kid I was just ALWAYS optimistic and careless; getting nothing but A++s in every of the hardest classes offered all through high school. I had enough credits for freshman year of college as an electrical engineer done in an amazing college for it.

After senior year all of my friends split up to leave for faroff colleges. I only ever had a very few extremely close friends I was always with. One of my best friends became my girlfriend senior year and I learned more about people from her than the rest of my life. Anyone else I associated with was generally to teach them the classwork they couldn't get and I'd just get the response that I should become a teacher.

But my dad/grandpa were EEs and I never had any self owned opinions or foresight so I was just gonna go with that.

Go to college alone and spend the year feeling alone as fuck. Had one best friend: my roommate that was a childhood friend. Ace semester 1. Fall apart mentally, being so alone, sem 2. Have a fucking mental breakdown at failure.

>See ^
old pasta. Saw this months ago fgt
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all these posts were written a longggggg ass time ago. pic related.

more ahs happened since then. i suppose i should edit it.
I enjoyed the read bro, it's kinda heartbreaking in a way and uplifting in another. I recently had my first gay experience, my life feels turned upside down, I can't even imagine how you feel.

I hope you and coach are happy and that coach gives up on his guilty feels.
And because the ID this time didn't match the id last time (he said he'd posted this before and was told to go to a baw thread), he's obviously a copypasta-er and not the same OP. Thanks wise oldfag.

Don't give a shit, seems legit.

>people come to 4chan to post their life stories
>and then never ever return or speak of it ever again.

is that how you think this website works?


unfortunately the "we are still together" bit was written a long ass time ago. we've broken up and i live on my own now.

why the random gay experience recently?
Also wanted to say that this is an interesting read on someone learning to be gay possibly. Seemed really unnatural to your own biological self, outside of the experiences that led you to learn it.

My little brother turned out being gay, but it was a case of biology most likely. As a kid he was really into sailor moon and other "chick stuff", but not to any alarming or necessarily clue-giving degree. I always kind of had the suspicion as he was in high school and whatnot. He seemed to be able to make friends with tons of girls in a way most of us dudes wouldn't have bothered to. Just as many as the almost-openly very-obviously dude that had like 0 guy friends, he was only ever a pessimistic asshole around us. But fucking lively and spastic around girls. Turned out that was because he was intent on "hiding that he was gay" until senior graduation, and living with it out there at college. But we knew.

My little bro not so much. He seemed quite average. Still is a cool normal dude, think I heard he may have a guy that is with him.

Seems cool.

In this climate of SJW bullshit, it's kinda fortunate that they are pushing so hard for gender-mutability.
Here's to hoping that some day you'll find a guy or girl (or none, whatever you end up good with), and that nowadays this really isn't a past that would just be looked down upon by the majority of the (not-stubbornly-old) population.

lol i loved sailor moon as a kid, but never really got into hanging with girls. the few times I would it just didn't work out well. i guess id say the wrong things or something.

mighta been at least a little gay before all this shit happened though. before my dad starting seducing me i remember having a weird fixation with DR. HOUSE,.
was sitting by the road, soaked to the bone and shivering looking into the darkness high out of my mind on meth, guy pulls over, asks if I'm ok. I tell him about how I just fell into a river and my backpack is still out in the wood.

he is happy and chatty, we talk as we walk to get my stuff, as it turns out we are BOTH high on meth. we smoke some weed and head back to his car.

he hooks me up with dry clothing and we start driving.

he said something kinda gay and it started from there.
Er, also wanted to throw out there that everything happened before you were even old enough to have formed any kind of sexual urges/orientations/whatever.

The more kinky acts of sissy-dress-stuff seemed to irk you. But the feelings of pleasure / kindness / whatnot forced on you became the most influential as you were growing up and learning to find your biological urges and changes coming about. Though, you seemed just about as affected by peers and others, that thought some of the odd signs like the shaved legs, giving you shit just as convincing that maybe you wanted to just be a normal "boy" and end all of this "gay stuff".
It's really impossible to have guessed whether you biologically ever would have come to the same orientation if given a more traditional upbringing. Interesting from a Skinner Box psychological Nature vs. Nurture argument

But still an interesting way that your sexuality whatnot was learned and/or came about, yeh.

Fuck I can't stop from tldr'ing when drunk. I noticed I had like 1/4 of a handle of rum I had forgotten about and pulled it out for the baw thread, bawhahahaaaa
>going to be 24 next week
>kissless virgin
>no friends
>no job
>dropped out of college
>self esteem crushed
>no strength to break through depression
>wish l could just disappear
>tfw I am one of 10 white males in my grade
>tfw finish HS in a school that is 89% "minorities"
>tfw im Aryan and I got no Aryan bitch
>tfw everyone is speaking African and shit
>tfw the next school over is 80% white
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This just happened in a thread opposite ours.
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Hey bro, you sound a lot like me!

Depression can't last FOREVER.

Just do stuff until something becomes more interesting than your mind's fixation on how worthless you are.
You know. Which anyone that knows you would tell you you are.
You wouldn't call anyone you know an Entirely Fucking Worthless, Unredeemable Piece of Shit as a person, would you?

Don't say that to you then.

But I acknowledge that the brain has a great adeptness to falling into a circle of self-hate, guilt, and fucking depression.

"Time heals all", ahuehuehuehue.
But yeah. Just do stuff eraday outside of the bed and you're making progress. Invisible tiny-incremental progress. But it'll work eventually.

I suppose, guess i never looked at this way. i just kinda, am, you know?

you sound like a fun drunk though.
What state?
Link me!
This one is slow enough to be both here and there.
I sure think I am.
Others get bored and wander off.
Ain't stoppin' me from being happy, I mean drunk, I mean RAMBLE ONNN, dookichickachicka, Sing mah sonnng!
>grandmother is only relative either not in jail or on drugs
>live with her with my brother
>takes us to all harry potter movies
>always takes us to lunch and dinner as much as possible
>loves us more than our parents
>last week
>get into argument about college
>slam door to room
>asks me if i want to go to dinner and say "no, fuck off, etc."
>pass out from weed and too much vodka
>next morning
>cops at door
>she was hit by a drunk driver driving home from our favorite place
im crying writing this while siting in her living room while brother is sleeping
>be me
>forever alone
>Not a hideous neckbeard
>Just selfish with my time
>would rather spend time doing things i like rather then wasting it doing stuff other people want to do.
>Know its wrong but everyday the lonliness ticks away at me.
>Been in a depressive slump past few months,thinking about going to the doc
I'm so sorry man...
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Shit anon, im crying, like really

I am Dutch, after the war my family came to the US, I called my grandparents opa and oma, opa died of cancer, he smoked, oma, died last year

which part of california?
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And the baww is back on.

Jesus fucking christ bro. You've gotta...
Not be in that room...

Live on in her honor man, fuuuuuck. Goddammit fucking drunk drivers get some goddamn respect for Life itself or off yourself. FUCK
Fucking Maryland, Never go there unless DC.
>20 лет
>живешь в России
>нет друзей
>сегодня унизили в техникуме
>ничего не умеешь
>планируешь покончить с собой
It's called not bein' a fuckin' pussy and going outside.
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just wrote this for a different thread

>sophomore at uni
>match with girl on Tinder
>go out to lunch, smoke a bowl, and hit it off pretty well
>continue to hang out for about 3 months, things still going pretty strong
>started falling for her
>take her on a weekend trip in the mountains since she was going home for the summer (3 months)
>fuck like crazy, smoke like crazy, have an awesome time
>things couldnt be better
>she heads off to CT
>I stay in KY
>We skype and all that shit
>things still pretty well
>fast forward 2 months into summer
>shes texting less, not replying to snapchats, etc etc.
>shes hanging with this girl all the time
>people jokingly refer to them as a couple on twitter, instagram since they are always together
>ask her about it
>"oh no anon we are just good friends!"
>blow it off, aint no way this girl turned lesbian over summer
>something still seems a bit strange though
>fast forward to beginning of junior year
>make plans to hang out, im amped as fuck to finally see her
>eat, smoke, etc.
>get back to my place, start getting down to business
>after a while she pulls away
>"anon.. i have something to tell you.."
>"anon i fell in love with femanon over summer.. im so sorry i didnt admit it"
>fuckin pissed, i knew it. I leave
>proceed to go on a 3 day alcohol bender
>somehow she convinces me to come over so she can explain herself
>still drunk as fuck
>in my drunken stooper we start making out
>afterwards she said nothing had changed with femanon
>get pissed again, tell her fuck off and I never want to see her again
>proceed to walk blackout for 4 miles from her apartment back to my house
>never talk to her again

man fuck lesbians
>never got to say good bye
>never got to say sorry
>never going to get to college because i have to care for my brother
i honestly dont know what to do with myself. ive just been sitting here toking and drinking all week
Go for it.
Same here.
Like I said did three years with depression.

Doc gave me some goals and a sense of obligation to actually do 'em. I do like the guy. Knew him 4 years ago and quit going because ^

Got (an easy starter, again, even though I've done my time in retail parttime in the past anyways) job offers that seem like they were going through, and signed up for some easy community college classes.

A good psychiatrist is just a bro that knows good advice.

Also lulled goddamn hard at that fucking Rumble pic, jesus christ.
No tears...but a full on body chill. Fuck I hope that anon makes it. It seems like he will now, but he had a rough go, that's for sure.
so is my mother but she isnt fucking here
I feel ya on that man, I've been depressed for the past six years or, at least that's when I noticed I wasn't happy.

I enjoy my time alone more than I do with people, I am lonely though. most people are pretty lame.
i can barely walk. no way im leaving
Shit son!
At least you didn't pull a Costanza and turn her lesbian forever after failing as a boyfriend.

Long distance is goddamn bullshit. It gave me optimism-as-fuck semester 1 but then I started seeing pics of her and some dude, and finally at goddamn Christmas break got a big textwall explanation of how it was over just because of the distance.

Recently fucking bawled in a goddamn theatre when I was dragged to see a mystery movie and If I Stay had that line "You're not supposed to have to break up with someone because you love them too much!" in response to a relationship fizzling do to long distance.

Fuck dat shit!
Goddamn she was amazing. She almost died this one week from some random brain seizure and I had everything loaded into my car ready to drive for 3 days straight before she convinced me that she made a rapid recovery.
Fucked with my feels nearly as hard as the goddamn breakup itself. Not as hard because it shook me for like a week or 2 rather than a failing semester and 3 years of depression like that realization that I was basically truly all alone and socially inept that came about at the breakup.
Worst X-mas present I ever got.
Couldn't even bring it back to the store for a refund.
And I got her the whole Monty Python disc collection because she could quote that shit like a wizard. Bawhaha...
well, be it that I do or do not have weed I'd gladly chill drink and toke with you. I'm pretty easy to talk to.
He stopped posting.
Man hero'd, maybe.
>Shrek is love
>Shrek is life
>It's all ogre now
No not you!

You deserve all the goddamn baws.
Cheers to you, I'm drinking here with you 'til this 404s.

I meant the fucking unreal statistic that someone can still die to a drunk driver in these times. Fuck those drunks, goddamnit.

My old Best Friend's Little brother died that way just last month. I still don't know how to talk to my friend. I still don't know what or if to do. I have seen him once and we just drinked with some other dudes, never came up or anything, he seemed... okay.

But just fuck death. It needs to happen, but not be decided by goddamn drunk drivers.
fuck, the feels are sharp tonight...
anon I know the feel. I have tons of talents, i'm smart, I'm athletic, etc etc. Yet i'm still terribly depressed. Achievements mean nothing I guess. :/
thanks. better than by myself. why are people that i dont know closer to me than my mother
i guess shed want me to suck it up but fucking shit, how the fuck am i supposed to do that. my whole life is ruined
Woops, criss-crossed posters. Thought I made you think I thought you were gonna drunk drive or something.

I just meant like move a room over, out of her living room. Didn't mean go party or some shit, fuck that. You're doin' the most logical thing to be doing....

Would fuck my head over at a time like that to be in that room of hers.
Doesn't much actually matter to you though. Just. Yeah. My feels reach out to yah.

Yeah, you're not supposed to. You've got a period of what-the-fuck now that no one would deny you.

I dunno man....

You'll find out when it's when to do what is what. But you have time...

I would be exactly where you are in your situation. Probly for longer than most.
But that is above and beyond a fucked up thing to happen to anyone. Fuck.
idk man, I really don't. maybe it's about expectations? you don't think anons and strangers should care but they kinda do, you think your mom should care but she doesn't.

This just came on as I was typing captcha, I don't even. What do you do, man? That is some goddamn shit, I'm can't even deal with trying to think of where you are right now.

Welp, you brought on the Baws I came here for, man. Wish it wasn't someone I knew was actually living the post right now as I read it.
i dont know what to do about the drunk driver. she would want me to forgive him but that rat fucking bastard killed my only guidance
what kind of a fucked world is this
a large rock covered in a thin slime of biological matter, some of that matter feels existentially and is full of resentment and greed.

this is why I don't know what to do with myself...
im never going to get to say i love you or im sorry to her man. those were her favorite things to hear from me
The only thing to do is to go kill his stupid ass.

But that wouldn't be logical nor what you should do because then you would spend the rest of your life in jail (and in your own psyche) as a murderer, and it would virtually end your life.

So I guess you just ignore the fucker and hope he has a modicum of human sentience within him that convinces him to off himself, or go drive off a cliff. It wouldn't in any way solve what he did or improve anything in the world or for you or her.
But it sure would bring me a restored trust in the justice of the world.
Wow, I enjoyed the fuck out of the anon's story, and your posts describing psych aspects of it. Very scientific while also being nice. And while drunk.

>Color me impressed, /b/ is cool sometimes.

>ID this time didn't match the id last time

can't be anymore of a newfag
That's what's fuckin' killing me reading that.

I can't find it but the one image that makes me fucking depressed on the spot is that one where there's a little girl in a room full of toys and luxury, sitting and playing a video game with just the light of the screen on her face. There's a knock at the door and she says something like "WHAT MOM, shutup! I'm playing my game right now!", and she never looks up. A speech bubble from the other side of the door says "Oh, sorry. I got you this new game that came out from that series you like so much, I'll just leave it outside the door."
There's one pane of the girl where she just has shocked eyes and drops the controller. Then the last pane is her just sitting there and crying.

The things you can't ever right in this world, man. The things you can't ever tell them. God fucking dammit man.

I can't ever talk to this kids little brother.
I once gave him steel armor in runescape because I was the best of our friends in all skills and could make that tier 3 armor. And then he just kept using bronze, the t1 armor because he liked the brown color of bronze. I would constantly complain to him that it wasn't the best stats available to him. Now like fucking 10 years later and he's goddamn dead from riding his motorcycle..
I just want to tell him it's okay to like brown.
God fucking damn it world.
That was the sarcastic argument.
But now you've proven me to actually be a newfag because I just fell into the trollhole of what you will say was bait in response to this.
Oh woe is me.
I don't fucking care right now man, go somewhere else. I'm drunk and fucking sad.

Feeling all this grandmother stuff

My grandmother survived a ww2 cap

>inb4 kike

She was a Dutch colonist in Indonesia, uncultured Heathens. Anyway, she came here and lied to me that she was treated nice because she was a kid, she lied to my young, stupid, lego loving self. She was always there, she was the lonliest person but she never complained, I didn't appreciate her as I should have. One day, in 8th grade, I got off the bus and my friend said my parents told him that I had to go to his house today, I went, we played xbox and had fun, played in his basement. This was the last hour of my careless childhood, eating Cheetos, playing with his funny old dog, riley. In that instance, I was free. Then, I come home, after a mad fun Halo forge party. My other friends parents are standing around in the kitchen, my mom is on the phone/ My brother is crying, He cried a lot, he wasn't very masculine either. I walk around in awkward limbo to the kitchen, and somehow or another I gathered that she was gone.
shit man, you think she's been old her whole life? no, she was your age once too, she knows you love her dearly.
Goddamn, and here I thought I would never bring anything to the /b/.
Thanks man, that'll send me off into a pleasant drunken passout.

Psychology is pretty cool. It always applies so long as you're alive inside this human consciousness. I only ever took AP high school, but it was cool.

Really enjoyed anon's story, too. OP was a pretty cool faggot today. Bawhahaaa, thanks OP, srsly
wasn't sad, I felt nothing, I can't remember the last thing I said to her. I just went upstairs and started playing TF2. The funeral comes.
For the first time in years, I cry, I cry into my grandfather. Oma, the Dutch name for grandmother is what we called her. Opa, my Grandfather was passed, I was with my Dads side family. He was a stern man, but raised 4 sons in a crammed New York city home, he was no stranger to tears. He was a hardened Vietnam war veteran, that served for 10 years. He was a real tough bastard, for a man as old as he. That funeral signaled the star of my new life. The life where I had to deal with parents crying about things I could not control.
The life where I would go to school, completely out of it, while everyones lives remaind untouched, I, was broken. I couldn't understand why, but everyone seemed happier than they usually were. Maybe it just contrasted with my sadness, But being a kid, who just the day before spent the day playing Battlefront and age of empires all day, going to a life where you find out someone eally died, someone you will never get back, left forever, like a really fun game of age of empires, where you have all the power, you're having fun, and in seconds, you win. You should have been happy that you won, but you weren't. You are just thinking, about how everything fun is such a rarity, and things you loved to do, like a knife, dull after time, and lose their propose.

There you go.
but just the humanity of those last words i said to her is unbearable

ne ybevai cebya
You've never done anything that you think is worthwhile
Look inside, kill your Self and try to find your Ego
use psychedelics if necessary
You yearn to experience something you never have, and that something is life.. can't get that in a job or school.. take yer ass to Mongolia or go see how poor people live in the Philippines or India
that might give you some perspective

>sorry, didn't mean to go all yashi majarajhri on you
San Diego
Sorry bad English

Off to bed. I am tired and I am now crying

Perhaps I wont wake up. I can only wonder
This a thousand times over.
He gets it.
and you think she didn't know better?

think about those times some kid you knew git grumpy and threw a tantrum "I hate you!" or "I don't like you any more!" we know the kid's full of shit and she knew you where just being a grumpy cunt.

everyone's a cunt at one point or another.

please drink yourself to death. your pussy emotional problems don't even remotely shadow the pain that people endured in the past as wars, disease and poverty drove people to unfathomable extremes of pain.

be stoic nigger.
i suppose. im never going to be able to leave this place
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What's the extreme of a bonner?
you take damn good care of that house, bro.

theres one other thing you can do.
let her influence live on, do the things shebwanted you to do to the best of your abilities.
Be last year
>Met girl online
>Her name is Olivia
>Start talking for a few months, made a tumblr to talk to her more
>Eventually ask her out, says yes
> never been this happy in my life, and progressively build confidence over time
> wanted to start out Slow, couldn't Skype cause her parents were really strict, eventually we only started emailing each other
> March of this year, birthday sucked pretty bad, no one remembered, no friends even came over
> Olivia tries her best to make it an amazing day for me, was really happy after that
> April comes
> Talk to her, as usual, but something's not right
>"Anon, I just don't feel the same way about you."
> don't understand, tell her I love her a lot, and how I hope I made her as happy as she made me
>"I don't love you anymore."
> was a bit hurt, last word's I've said to her was "oh. Alright"
> Eventually break down, become super depressed, confidence built up in past months in shambles

I don't really think about it at all anymore. But god dammit, I loved her. More than anyone else.
thanks bro. most anyone has listened to me talk about this
I just had the most pathetic breakup of my life
>dating girl for 4 years
>her friends and family hate me because she vents to them about her problems with me
>finally I tell her I've had enough of it
>fast forward two months past breakup
>want to visit her
>she had sex with someone else
>persuade her to let me visit because she isn't eating, self harming
>find her in a weed-smelling hellhole rented suite sitting limp, staring with dead eyes
>I try to cheer her up, she climbs on me like a reflex, still looks dead
>"I have no heart, I can't feel anything, I'm dead" over time
>notice birth control pills on dirty tabl
>other guy is "just a friend", can't be alone
>try everything
>dance quietly and suddenly her eyes light up looking up at me from my arms
>burst into tears, where did my love go?
>proceed to progressively bring her back over the course of the evening
>go out for dinner
>tell her I miss her dreams, want to see what happens to her
>breakthrough, she says she'll date me, commit to me, sexual suggestions, smiles

And then...

>in the morning she tells me she wants to keep the other guy
>tells me to fuck off after first happy night in months and nice dinner
>proceed to downward spiral or desperate, embarrassing texts as she pulls away
>tells me to stop harassing her
>my ragged heart

The guy was threatening me through text today. I don't even know him...
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My father has nearly killed me driving drunk on several occasions..
Me and my mom finally kicked him out recently
Im happy i dont have to worry about him coming home drunk anymore

His liver is failing
Last time i talked to him i told him to fuck off and gave him a black
Too stubborn to apologize, if i talk to him he just goes on about how he wants back in our lives
Moms fucking different man, they aint even divorced yet
I just miss my pops..
I don't want to hate him the rest of my life....
* black eye
Good night, I love you all

I am being ignored but that is ok

You people have it bader than I

Off to bed, if anyone reading

:) Dutch anon love you when no one loves dutch anon
I thought I said I don't give a shit?
I've always been stoic as fuck.
When my life fucked up the 3 years of depression was the way my body said Yo you never dealt with any of your emotions or gave any foresight to the future that is no longer gonna be an easy-no-effort-college-fast-track-to-engineering-cuz-your-dad-did-it.

Back to stoic as fuck now that that's solved, at least on the outside. Inside I feel emotions that I never did acknowledge before.
I used to be unopinionated and beta but okay because with it because I was brilliant.
Now I let the rage/hurt/enjoyment flow freely in reaction to what other people do involving me. I'm not in any way outwardly overemotional, but I damn well let people know when they're in the wrong nowadays.

I'd say the only problem is that I get too loud when I'm feeling the feels. As a kid I would always yell when my vidya games (usually when 4player mario kart blue shell bullshit came about) and the parents would always tell me and my friends to lower the volume.

Nowadays I'm like that all the time if I get too excited/outraged/empathetic. I mean not to an embarrassing problematic point, but I do need to learn an inside voice.

But still - I never burden others with my emotional bullshit. There is no stoic master race. You can't bottle it up forever.

Or maybe YOU can. But we're all different.
im glad to be there for ya bro.

I really hope you are ok, dont fall into a slump, live by her code.

lol she's a manipulative cunt drug addict
i wasnt ignoring you man just too baked to remember. thank you for everything
I feel you Dutch-anon.. if you havent left ill listen
Glad to hear you heard something here, man.

You don't ever have to leave that place.
My cousins' mom recently offed herself in her house after they all left for college (she was always batshit insane, but their Dad and my Uncle took care of them even if he didn't have main custody).
The youngest one - of all of them - basically owns that house now. Doesn't mind being alone. Transfered to a college there and lives back here in the town with my family nearby and visits the awesome grandparents all the time. He has friends over constantly and whatnot.

It can be a good place, the place you were raised in. No matter what happens there or related to there, it can still be a Home, as well as a house.
sorry I didn't respond sooner, was a tad busy.
sleep tight bro.
i dont think i will any time soon

i agree, stoicism is an ideal. all human are affected by emotion, well maybe not autists.

but it would be so great, if mankind put all of its emotions behind and focused on science. because science is the only may to understand truth, art and everything else is just designed for us to cope with our human condition
That was what did it for me.
Ended 3 years of depression with a DXM trip, on accident. Just figured fuck all, the store I dragged my ass to has cough syrup and I had read about it.

Psychedlics cheat the mind. Depression is a logic loop of selfdefeat, guilt, miserableness, and killing of self-worth.

Psychedelics take you and put you in a different mindset. Something depression keeps you from doing. But they cheat it and just do it for you.

Not suggesting it as a good way or THE way (this guy's post was the real deal), but it led to me just defaulting back to my old optimistic self during a trip where I like created the universe from single lines into plants and people and human interaction, AND by the end I was just kicked back in a spaceship cockpit able to lucid-psychadelic-dream anything I wanted to view in fantastic visuals.

After that I don't even remember why or how but I was reading about how to meditate and went for it. Worked wonders, even though I didn't at all intend or think that it would do anything beneficial

4 months later I was out of the bed for the first time like 4 years, despite a past that "ended" in a giant failure.
nice pasta
Never get responses in these threads

Semi-reminiscent of real life, where people ignore me.

>inb4 hurr durr whiney bitch

Just want someone to relate to
Don't have many (any) friends except for guy i play vidya with. I've known him for a little over five years and would play and talk pretty much every day for at least five hours. Even when he was hanging out with his friends he'd still usually have skype on so i talked to some of them as well. He hadn't signed on at all that weekend so i knew something was wrong and then i got a message from his brother, "There's no easy way to say this, but Anon and 3 of his friends died in a car accident friday night.". he lived in California (I'm in Canada) and i never had the chance to meet him and now i never will.
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I can still remember the night my 1 girl was a tired and emotional wreck after working a huge and miserable shift at a burger joint ("WE'RE DOING MIGHTY FINE" being the required response to any customer) after a shit day at high school, but before she went home to pass out she said she just wanted to drive by to see me.

I told her we should sit for a bit and I was really feeling for her and we just sat together on my porch. She just leans over and says she loves me. We had had an amazingly fast and brilliant spark of a relationship because we had been childhood friends, but this was still out of nowhere - and something I felt so strongly as well, I literally had learned more about humans from her than my entire shut-in life in just 2 months or whatever. She was amazing.
I spaghetti'd and whispered back "Me too -- ... So much".

Relationship continued until we left for (very) separate colleges, and that time of my life was 5 or 10 times as awesome as the rest of my life had been. I was constantly just overjoyed. At any time I could think of her or call her, and any time we had off we would go out on goddamn adventures and hikes and movies on the couch... anything.

Fuck - anyways I'm this guy

But a big part of why I didn't leave my bed (or neckbeard-back-at-Parent's-home bed / bedroom) 3y was I didn't want to step onto that porch.

It's literally my most vivid memory. That heart leap when she said that. Where I and she sat. On that porch.
It's my own fault for going after her. No drugs yet as far as I can tell. Fuck
I must play this song a dozen times a day
death would be such a sweet cold embrace -_-
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bumping for deliverance and the expelling of bawws

Shit man. I once got in trouble with my best friend because he had a gf like that, but kept her for years after she was first manipulative and lying as fuck.

He would just not respond to her when she was being psycho and one time she texted all his friends trying to find him and I made the mistake of texting her back at all (after like 7 goddamn begging texts). All I said was he was with me and busy (we were out camping) because he'd said not ever to tell her anything when she was freaking out (he was messed up, too, and had an elaborate set of lies for everyone except like me and 2 other friends, so he would get compromised if we ever accidentally poked a hole in one of his lies by like revealing he was with us or something).

The only way to be with crazy is to also be crazy.

But damn does that fucking suck.
To have done something so profound for someone and only receive a Shit Ending.

Happened with me and this girl once, I knew she was crazy, she wanted me bad for the 1 night I was visiting her town. Tried to fix some shit for her that I was good at (her dorm room had some like bare-sparking-wire electronics) and regrettably spent the night with her. She wanted the D but I refused since my condoms weren't in the pants I had (I was on a road trip, etc, visiting my friend - that friend ^ - at his college, she was someone I didn't know).

She sent depressed stay on the line or I suicide phone calls for months. Then got preggo/married to some stupider fool.HA
5chin thinking the Suicide hotline is spam?
That resembles the spiral she appears to be starting. She wanted to ignore me but I was concerned for her health, so it's my fault for initiating.

High school sweetheart. The pain never leaves
Я не знаю, что сказать .

Но знаю , что завтра будет другой день .

Быть терпеливым . И жить . Пожалуйста .

YA ne znayu, chto skazat' .

No znayu , chto zavtra budet drugoy den' .

Byt' terpelivym . I zhit' . Pozhaluysta .
I swear i read this whole story a few months/years ago.
shit's rough

there's no good way out of that situation my friend, I suggest you just let her go and not deal with it, and fuck that dude too, start a new life
Ouch man.
I feel for you and him.
I just am enraged at others, like you "Think this is a fucking Game?" when they opt not to just relieve their own lives of some stress with the Nation's Legal Drug of alcohol.
But #1 rule of drugs is that you should never endanger anyone else's ENTIRE LIFE while you are enjoying the drug.

But I can understand it happening, I mean, the drug includes boosted self-confidence. And some people truly can drive drunk (or don't get ~blackout before driving even if they are questionably dangerous). If they haven't caused problems driving yet, its likely that most of the time they weren't Super Dangerous to others... yah know?
Big shame that he'd do it with you even.
I don't know if I could apologize either.

My dad refuses alcohol and has ever since he had me. My mom drinks, a few when we go out to eat even, and she'd get all sleepy sometimes, but he refused it.
Apparently because he was a goddamn pro champion drinker in college. Like, when we're drinking water after exercise/hike/lawnwork, he'll slam a 1.5 liter bottle in seconds, lol.

So that huge personal life choice that my father made, where he doesn't even look down on others, but merely acknowledges that its something he knows himself unwise to engage in... I guess that really impressed me.

I accidentally a whole bag of mushrooms and car'd once. For hours
Spent the whole trip in a jail cell having the time of my life.

I don't think I'd forgive your dad either.
But I'm no better.
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Know that you will have feelings like this throughout your life, but they will lessen as you get older.

They are somewhat normal.

The important thing is to talk to people who care about what is going on.

And hang in there.
I love you, Anon.
I'm sorry for you loss.
I truly am.
I just wish I could do something to help you.
Worst part of it all is I remember the best sex of my life with her. That red ribbon shirt, caught her in my room when she wasn't expecting it. So warm and soft, christ Jesus anything to have her look at me like she used to.
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>both parents dead
>first gf killed herself
>unable to find meaningful relationship with another human being in any form
Aye. Thanks for not just being an asshole troll.
That in itself is within the spirit of the thread.

I totally agree. I agreed to hard in my youth. I literally was probably regarded as an autist.

But I've always been incredibly empathetic. I mean I wouldn't cry, but boy could I feel. And I never allowed myself to feel anger, it was also in my code to never hurt anyone else.

I still remember one time my friend "accidentally" full-force swinged a nerf-bat into my face, right across my nose. Apparently I went hulk-mode and fucking punched him to the ground before coming back from the pain and asking him what happened and why the fuck he did it. (LOL IDUNNO was the answer, we were like 11).

Up to age 19 I was incredibly stoic outside, and also clueless about my (lack of) self, my (lack of) opinions, and any (lack of) aspirations.

Did 3 years of time with depression after basically a psychotic break at the failing of my free easy path of A+s, and for the latter half drank excessively.

So when a kid brother of one of my best friends' died, I came to find a bottle of rum and a baw thread trying to revel in that sadness so that I can try to think up something to do/say for my friend. I'm closer to an answer, but fuck me if anyone knows what to do in the situation.

Come tomorrow though, back to stoic as fuck until I can meet up with my friend, he deserves some shared feels.

Also: Drunk, so tldr.
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I've done some stupid shit too, but never where ive endangered others, at least not in my immediate vicinity.

I wish i had a family life, never spent time with my pops after first incident at age of 4, lost complete trust in him.
Mother is emotional wreck like me so we barely get along and blame each other a lot (always make up but i still get angry)

I havent drank since grade 11 two years ago, cant stand booze. Partially addicted to marijuana though ive been sober for the past week and a half (been smoking everyday for 5 years, basically since 13/14)
Ive abandoned all friends (or vice versa) cause they're all assholes that only came over cause i had parties and they could smoke their dope.

Fuck i hate myself. Attempted suicide in grade 12 before drop out (mainly an ideation, just wanted to see what people thought when i came to school with rope marks upon my neck, beard hid most)

I could rant for hours about this.. I just want a friend. I cry every day, havent slept in nearly 5 days, just been pouring coffee down my throat, browsing /b/ and /tg/ and staring at my 40k models that i bought with my dad waaay back when, hoping for something we could do together. most arent painted.

Thank you for responding though, makes typing this out feel worthwhile and not utterly pointless

captcha Laura, name of first girlfriend... who i fucked over and i despise myself for
Weed is a drug if you do it for days-upon-days 25 hours a day because you're depressed and don't know what to do like she was by the time you found her.

But yeah, I agree with you. Good that she hasn't fed her occasionally-batshit-insane brain any real drugs that can truly fuck with you.
The bad day will dull while the memory of those many happy days will survive. She knew the life you had together was great, nobody can blame you for having a hard time once in a while.

It's hard to say goodbye, but maybe it isn't time to let her go just yet. Live the life she wanted to give you. Take your dreams and hers and pick them up and wield them.

I don't want to make you cry, but sometimes that's what you need before you can keep moving.
I actually had an amazing gf Because I was skinny and weird as fuck. We'd been friends for years and another one of my friends had actually tried getting her as a gf (he was like the most fit/social/desirable among us, too). She actually asked me one day to ask her out the next day.
And goddamn if it wasn't the best relationship. We'd spend all our time together/talking/hiking/driving-far-off/watching movies on a couch, etc. She was the first person I'd ever actually talked to from myself - like I had those 3-ish really close friends, but I just never had any opinions or goals or strong feelings until I met her. She just liked my absurdly strong optimism and odd/unique point of view / conversations I guess, more than she was put off by my extremely skinny awkward "personality" or lack thereof, socially.

So I mean, it was a fluke and its not the common normal way such things happen. But the beta can win or something like that.

Long-distance split up for colleges killed it, btw, if you want an ending.

And I actually got some other girl with the same "tactics". I was telling her how goddamn stupid her white Magic Deck was and offering to remake it for her when she invited me into her room. Turns out it wasn't just to fix her deck, but to give the D. But she was goddamn crazy. Told her upfront I was only in town for 1 day and she didn't give a shit.

Keep on keepin' on. Improve yourself to Improve your odds. But note that no human has a 0% chance at pussy.
I don't even know whether she smokes it or if it just wafts up from downstairs. She always seemed pretty ignorant about drugs, and it was real innocence.

She's going to university but she complained that everyone, everything is boring. Fantasy-depressed because nothing outside fiction seems worthwhile. She would make a good anon, if only I could write where she reads.

Basically if I contact her again it's going to be a harassment suit. Fuck me. It doesn't stop the breakup poetry and songs from coming.

There are more attractive girls but I don't want them yet. Still used to her smell, her moves, her weight.
"Are you hung up?"
Shit man.

I have the same situation with this one crazy dude. He actually would spend money on me even though I was just an unknown online-gaming aquaintence. Bought me Borderlands 2 and all the DLC and we played that shit for 100+ hours. I even got so drunk that I was apparently walking into a wall and then passed out during the final boss fight. I wake up clueless the next day and he just tells me the story and throws me my character's best-for-Class loot from the boss that took him like 5x as long to kill because I was increasing the difficulty yet not waking up and helping.

Dude was such a bro and I never knew why.

I found out later from some other friends when I got back from some time out of town without internet that he was just some dude who's parents died and left him shittons of money. That's why he would give me games. He was just some lonely rich dude and he would give ME, some random mildly funny guy shittons of money's worth of shit just so that he could have someone to play online with.

They don't know where he's been for the last few months. He hasn't come online on any of the like 5 games / game-players that we know him to log on.
Fuck man. I haven't even gotten any closure, but I want to goddamn at least know where's he gone and we still had 1 last DLC to do.
Goddamn, man, I wasn't even thinking about that 'til he posted.

He was so lonely and I was just some guy with free time that he could have as a friend. We talked lots. Got damn.
I've been feeling like shit for the past few months. Back in February, my mom had been complaining about her stomach 'hardening' or something. It was weird, because she was incredibly obese and didn't really do any exercise, or even leave the house. I think she was depressed after having been fired and being unable to find a job for two years. Anyway, she would complain, and I would tell her to go see a doctor. This went on for several weeks until she finally decided to go, and was immediately hospitalized for some pulmonary thing that I'm blanking on at the moment; the hardness was built up fluid in her body. I only went to visit her once in the hospital. One fucking time. She had had some hospital visits before, but they were always over in about a day or so. I thought she was going to be fucking fine. But no. A month later, she died. I fucking abandoned my dying mother. All I did was act 'normal' : wake up, walk to bus stop, go to school, come home, do school work, cook dinner for myself, sleep. After she died my dad moved in, and I fucking hate him. I just started college, so shit has been crazy lately. This is just me venting, but I can't even set foot in my house without tearing up and feeling like a sack of shit.
I guess just try to play the classic endgame successful job-man that gets a wife.

But on the way never lose the hope that it could happen well before that. You really could just find someone that does like you for you. That's not only a Hollywood thing.

But you do have to have a goal and all to be out there socially. But it would be damn cool to find the girl on the journey there if not the destination.

Play with endgame in mind, but never discount the chance that you could find her on the way, man.

Best of luck to you.
Because I sure as hell had it.
Your turn, man.
That song is why I'm here man.

Check it:

And I probly posted more than OP

Damn sure bawwd harder because he left before the other posts outside of his began.
Shit son. Why'd I put the song on? That image hits me goddamn hard enough. Booaw.
Same with him and her, man!

He went off and on with her for years, because she never would actually cheat on him except like once. And they were both extreme drama-bombs so they could put up with (and constantly try to outdo) each other.

He was the dramatic man, so he would just go on action-rampages. I mean it was high school and we were naive so no alcohol binges, but just like get us all to go camping with him and just leave the town she was in.
And she was the dramatic woman. Posterchild really. Constantly whining and bitching and talking threats about how she'd leave him and blahblurbluh, and sending mass worry texts to all of us. She even did a fake pregnancy scare ON HIS facebook one time, proclaiming that he knew and abandoned her when it was all a ruse. She got worse and more dramatic over the many years he tried to keep that shit up.
A spiral indeed.
No clue where she is today.

The dude is still my friend and he still lives a very crazy life.

They added up to a massive fusion bomb of Crazy. That's for sure.
I remember when they lined us up like 30 hours later I twitched when the guard tried to hancuff us all in a connected line to walk to the judge, when he got to me.
And one of these hardened ass criminals down the line say: Oh that's the guy that ate like the pound of Mushrooms, right? And they all kinda nodded in approval.

I was the lamest vidya neckbeard that accidentally the whole bag (literally had like 4 trips worth for my first time and 3 more, but accidentally ate all of them because I thought they actually tasted nice - not nasty - and I forgot to look at the bag or something, I don't know). But they all liked or feared me or something.

Really makes me wonder what other people saw of me as I was just having a goddamned wonderful time and verbalising all the random shit on accident. I remember the entirety of the first room of cops all laughing and watching me as they attempted to get me to pose for the picture / fingerprints, but I was just laughing with them.

Shows what a goddamn happy optimist I am.
I don't think I could have a BAD trip on near anything. Hah.
well anon looks like I'm a little late to the thread. but here's a story. not a story specifically to me. you see we are all similar. we had that one person who caught our interest. you know the one I'm talking about. the one that you had long forgotten about because you were convinced you'd never find someone that made you feel a certain way. but you did anon! you found a girl that whenever you were close to her you felt slightly warmer. she'd look at you with honest eyes you'd seem like you were falling into them and your insides felt as though they were melting. whenever she smiled at you everything around seemed just a little brighter. you'd want to talk to her constantly about anything just to hear her speak. you felt happy maybe? a little safe? or even loved? or perhaps all three. but that time is over now isn't it? and she's long left your chapter in the book of life. and now you wake up alone and cold in the dead of night. you wish it wasn't a dream. you wish more than anything it was real. but that's all it ever was. you might die a little on the inside when you realize that it was just a dream. but that's not the worst part is it anon? no. the worst part is that deep down you always knew it was a dream. isn't that right anon?
Sounds about right, she would tell me something was horribly wrong or that we "needed to talk" and let me think it was pregnancy until I rushed over or encouraged it out of her.

Had to bite through so many lies even in the last weeks about how she was just friends with new guy and how he "wasn't the kind of guy" to stick around if she got a new boyfriend. She was wrong. Bastard.

It is the ultimate shit show. I loved her and she preached to me about how special love-making had to be (before shitting on that ideal with friends) bit the anon who said I need a new life is right.

I shouldn't have to convince this girl to love me again, or stick around for various std tests and to expect the drama. Why am I still hung up?

My dad gave up both drinking and smoking when he had me.

He would chew tobacco, but I never knew, he hid it well.

He was a champion drinker in college, but he gave it up even though my mom often enjoyed drinking when we would go out to eat.

But we would play video games together so hard. It was how I learned to read. Like I learned way before preschool from my mom and the books he and she would read me every night, even the stupid ones I wanted for the 1000th time.

But I learned how to read at an adult level from RPGs that me and my dad played together. He would come home from work every night and dedicate even amounts of Daddy Time to me and my brother. I always wanted to play the RPG we were playing, and he would allow me to slowly read aloud the text with him and ask him about every word I didn't know.
I learned math. I would divide in my head maximum hp / single hit damage and guess how many hits to KO a monster, or when I would have to heal. I even kept a journal of 1 game with Monster Name, Monster Drawing, and Estimated Health from me adding all the hits we did over a few tests from our first encounters to guess the minimum Max HP they had.

Legends of Dragoon, Legends of Legaia, Breath of Fire 3, Shining the Holy Ark, Star Ocean, FF1, FF7/8/9/X.

All of them.

Then all of middle school I wasted all my free time with Runescape; High School WoW; College DoTA.

He once said he was worried to see that I "could be happy doing anything".... Vidya...
you just described my life... im 19 though but everything else, spot on
>born with bilateral hearing loss
>grew up in a neighborhood with 2 other kids, both druggies
>never had a girlfriend, despite being told I'm good looking
>do really well in school, straight A student
>get made fun of all the time for having to wear hearing aids, also for being a "bookworm", didn't realize it at the time
>go through midschool and highschool with pretty much no friends, hardly anyone talks to me unless it's a group project, even then it's only because I'd do all the work in one night
>dad gets cancer, spending months in ICU
>suicidally depressed, start doing drugs
>get caught up with a dealer, deals all the craziest shit - meth, coke, molly, LSD, the whole nine yards
>end up being friends because he was also lonely
>we end up having crazy drug parties, orgies every other night
>one night friend OD's, find him dead the next morning
>spend the last few my months of high school chemically depressed and withdrawn
>during graduation a girl I had a crush on for years gives me a look that made me feel deathly hatred, realized she wanted to date the whole time
>never made a move because I couldn't think someone would actually want to date me, always been told I'm a useless waste of space by classmates
>college time comes and I dwaddle for years not being able to figure exactly what I want to do in electronics
>family stops supporting me, end up paying for my own classes through a mcjob
>occasionaly coworkers flirt with me, never goes anywhere
>end up e-dating a friend back from high school that moved across the country
>happy as hell, for once I actually feel like someone gives a shit about me
>go on working at mcd's for a couple years, stagnating at college
>she ends up leaving me, because "I'm not a good enough gamer"
>realize it's a lost cause, tell her a couple months after we break up I used to play CSS competitvely
>asks why I hid that from me and claims I'm bullshiting
>tell her I got tired of the hypercompetive attitude everyone had, decided to let my skills decay so I could get away from it all
>don't talk to her for years
>relatives start dying off, first my greatgrandparents, then my grandmother
>realize I'll never have a chance to make her eat her words, saying I should have been the girl and my sister is a better "man" than I am
>when I was little she used to be so proud of me, telling me how she'd live for the day I get married
>little brother of a neighborhood friend offers me a job at a factory, if not only to make up a favor for fixing his electronics for years
>liking the job finally feel like life is looking up
>meet a girl a couple years older than me, get a strong vibe from her
>she tries talking to me almost every day for months
>still can't believe someone would want to be a part of my sad, pathetic life, do nothing with it
>she starts to drift away from me, decide to take up smoking so I have a chance to talk to her
>smoke the same cigs my friend always gave to me before he died
>she acts colder and colder to me, feeling I've overstayed my welcome
>new guy shows up, pretty funny guy, made friends with him, but despite having a worse outlook on life he's always cheery
>she ends up talking to him more often
>get jealous for the first time in my life, quit the job on no notice out of rage
>go back to mcd's for a few months as it was a job I could get on a whim
>months go by and I get fed up with doing all the work, walk out
>still smoking and jobless slowly sinking lower and lower

tomorrow I'm thinking of trying to go back to the factory job, but I have feeling it's only going to get worse from here. Everytime anything nice happens to me something even worse is just right around the corner

and thanks for taking the time to read all this, if anyone did.
Man, I did the same shit.

I was naive as hell until... 19? Never did a drug.

Afformentioned long distance break up at college and emotional collapse after second semester actually had another year before the 3 year depression.

I moved in with my Friend, that one with the crazy gf from above, and we just spent a year doing fuck all. I got a job getting paid under the table for basically running a convenience store myself. The boss at first helped me go to the bulk-store to stock it, but I was running it by the end. It had booze, and a camera-less back-part with a door.
The boss was an asshole coke addict that actually fired my friend/roommate and my other friend/roommate-of-college both on the same day for smoking weed out back real quick when they both got off the clock. Fucking asshole hypocrite cokehead.
So I just started drinking his booze and smoking weed all day eraday as I did the easy as fuck job of running the place solo.

After making major bank for a few more months I picked a busy day and called him to say Fuck You for firing my friends, I quit, here's the keys.

Rest of the whole calendar year I smoked nonstop and was on here / vidya. I had smoked a good lot working, but I just went full out.

Eventually just fell out with all my friends, even my good ones and my roommate. By the end of the year the lease was up, I realized what I had done and for how long and then the heavy depression kicked in.

Lately I just don't sleep as well.

WTB friend.
But I had a kid that successfully suicided in high school, man, it was probably the worst thing I went through in my life.

He was like the most overly outgoing kid. The angry boy just a little too insane, icing over a secret pain. He knew he didn't belong; first to fight, way too loud. The flash of light on the burial shroud.

Just weeks before he'd been practically begging me and my other friend (who was godtier at the game and the one that got me into it) to change our WoW server to his and play with him. We were convinced we couldn't because we had this guild of fucking anonymous people that we liked. We wouldn't even start a goddamn toon or twink with him because we were busy with our world / high school.
That and this girl that had always tolerated him turned him down when he asked her if they could ever be anything together.

He went out loud. Just hung himself and his older brother walked in that morning to find him.

I was in band. We were all in band. The whole goddamn band just zombied-through school that month and all went to the funeral. Me and my friend that didn't World of Warcraft with him are still, rightfully, sure that we didn't act on a chance to give this guy some hope and some time to keep going and work through everyone's awkward high school phase in Senior Year.

We had like 3 suicides that class year, unheard of.

Fuck [kid], you were the goddamn riot. We miss you man.

I'm, sadly, glad you failed man. Hope you find a frind
Yeah, I'm hanging out in the sad chamber.

I think I figured out how to get over my ex, too. I pictured the first time we were at it in the dark beside the fireplace, no sound at all except for the fire, breath and... you know.

Then I thought: why not give that experience to another girl for the first time? The season is coming. Hate to pretend I'm some minor porn lord but I love winter dating, and I think I can picture a worthwhile scenario to move on to now.

That kind of imagery is strong enough to help motivate me to live through anything.
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I read it anon. I hope things get better. I keep screwing up the things that make me happy. And I'm so lonely. My phone is more of a expensive paperweight/alarm clock than a cell. I mean it's all pointless in the end, no need to feel too badly, ehh?
I was naive as fuck.
Before my 3 years of depression (haha I said it again, I'm that guy in this thread), I had a year where I just smoked extremely heavily and burned through all the money I had earned.

I knew all these cool friends / dealers that smoked a lot and were quite functional. Didn't consider it a drug. But I mean I hadn't even ever drank alcohol so I didn't know how anything can be a crutch and then your life's one focus.

Will say that I ironically learned a shitton about like spending a year blazed as fuck on the /b/.

Much more than I learned growing up as a closed-off kid throughout childhood/highschool. Depression taught me to notice emotions. That's for sure.

Goddamn though, man. I know that feel.
I turned down a girl when I was on my half-year "long-distance" wait time with that one amazing high school sweetheart, even though she knew it had to be over because she needed to start anew in that new college and town that she moved to. Regret it now for sure. She just wasn't... her. Ironically the relationship I was thinking of was over by THEN, even if I wouldnt' admit that the maybes were very actually not maybes. Could have had a chance with another girl that was really great, and actually lived near me and not across the country.

But yeah, I don't know about your girl, she could have just been really emotionally confused as she Cheated on a guy that truly loved her and affected by that.

Goddamn bullshit that she turned so hard against you.
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that's what I've always wanted to picture, but I'm always reminded of my shitty hearing and I just end up feeling like a defective human, cursed to live in misery till the day he dies. Health insurance denies buying hearing aids as it's only "cosmetic damage"

>just for looks guys, perfectly working human
and people wonder why I'm so bitter when healthcare comes to discussion

I'm probably just driving myself deeper because it's the only thing I'm used to

but how do I even get out of this hole?

with my hearing all it does is intimmidate me should anyone ever calls.
Asking people to repeat themselves is the surest way to drive them away
Jesus christ man.

I recently watched Trigun. My cousin always watched and said how cool it was but I couldn't get it because it was 10 years ago and an anime that most of Murrica didn't get, and it wasn't quite the internet there is now.

You just sound like the goddamn protagonist. No spoilers - but shit is always going wrong for him.

I was bawling by the end of every episode because he was everything I ever strived to be, and ultimately failed. Only ever focused on helping others despite any pain caused for himself. And living a life with nothing but pain.

Goddamn everyone around you either looked down on you or cared about you but died. You've held out so strong for so long, man. And that part where you were humble about your skills and she fucking left you? FUCK THAT.
You did everything right.

I don't even care how you're doing now, you are the goddamn strongest person I've read about today. I'm so sorry about your life man.

I lived the life of luxury and perfection and ease with A+s and an easy free college path in front of me, and *I fucked it up*.

The fact that you've gone this long, this strong man, you're a goddamn winner.

If you want, give that Trigun a watch, but fuck man. You're done so well.

You deserve to win.
>be a total slut
>Fool around with best friend during lessons
>Fool around with best friend on bus
>Caught on camera
>Best friend accused of rape
>Best friend gets bullied
>Best friend has to switch classes
>best friend has to switch schools
>best friend's education and life are ruined because I couldn't keep my legs shut
>Best friend kills himself

Feelin' shitty.
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The only thing that has brought peace to my life has been cannabis and a few close friends.

I just want to be fucking happy. This shouldn't be an everyday thing. It's not normal. What's wrong with me?

I don't really know what to say friend. I'm not in the best place to give my insight..

Never give in, etc. Hope may crumble but there is always some left to fight with.

I don't wanna re-read, does your hearing trouble change how you speak? Strive to get those aids if it means you'll be more confident, it might lead to better employment when you can hold your own comfortably.

One more thing, nothing matters in that good silence. The breath in your ear is better than the words.
> :(
Man, I always have to ask people to repeat themselves, but it's my own damn fault.

I just get distracted.

I just am always thinking of how I want the conversation to play out. I'm just thinking of my next 10 lines like a goddamn chess game when I'm trying to just talk to someone.

More than once I have to ask what?

I did end up with bad hearing in one ear, I don't remember exactly why. I had to get the surgical tubes or whatever in that bad ear growing up that help to try and drain/repair it or whatever, I was too young.

I also have an imperceptible scar on my left eye from a sist I got when I was nearly 1 year old that they surgically removed. My left eye (also the side with the ~70% hearing ear) is usually like 3% more shut.

I actually had a rich friend with a similar eyelid that had that shit surgically repaired one summer (probably because he aspires to one day be a perfect looking politician). But I never noticed it. It was just a hang-up he had and that he would dwell on when thinking of himself physically. But I guess I wasn't the most socially / physically aware neckbeard growing up. Maybe you could almost tell 1 of his eyelids didn't perfectly match the other if you stared for an hour.

But you, man. You seem like a great dude. If you have to tell people to repeat themselves it doesn't make you 90 years old. You just haven't met a decent person recently if you think all people hate you for that.
>you could have prevented this

What a terrible tale. If you changed then maybe there is a silver lining. Stand by your man.
Not much more to say, is there? I didn't exactly make it interesting, I just figure this is the right place to hang out and feel sorry for myself.
Uhhhh. Who accused him?
Not me. I was asked a whole shit-ton of incredibly leading questions and I didn't realise why they were asking them until it was too late and I'd supposedly implied he'd raped me. Of course, since I didn't actually accuse him, they couldn't do anything officially...But yeah, changed classes, changed schools. You'll have to read between the lines; I had to. I didn't get told shit-all.

No, with hearing aids in I can hear alright, but I'll always miss something important in a conversations, some people I can't hear for the life of me

deal is I look like a perfectly normal guy that'd have a great life, and since I always plaster a fake smile on my face people probably think I got it better than them, but I made someone a promise to always smile, no matter how bad it gets

I don't think people hate me so much as they just don't want to deal with me unless they have to

Then you were either too young or unable to clear his name from the slander aimed at him.

You can't logically feel guilty for that.

But you will and should.

That is tragic.

Feel for yah.
You don't have a job, or friends to hang out with, and somehow you also have bad grades?

Maybe you should spend less time playing vidya and more time studying. Maybe with other people at school. It's a great way to make friends, and to improve your grades.
Thanks, anon.
You guys, I'm sorry for laying this on you, but I really don't know where else to go. You don't have to reply but it would just help if I could get this off my chest somewhere.

For years now, I've kept all my problems just bottled up, I don't want to tell people about them because I feel as if I'm being selfish, that crying out for help is just me throwing extra weight on their shoulders when I know for a fact they already have problems. But I don't know what to do anymore. I'm rarely happy anymore, being with friends is the only thing that cheers me up, but that's something I very rarely get to do. Other than that, all the things I enjoy doing are now doing absolutely nothing. Playing games doesn't help, listening to music does nothing, reading does nothing, etc.

What the fuck do I do? I don't want to take meds, my grandpa killed himself because of depression when he went on meds, I'm terrified the same thing will happen to me. It doesn't help that I'm a paranoid mess that believes everything is going to shit.

Just, I would appreciate advice, if anything, advice would be amazing. I just want to be happy again and not feel like there's a dark cloud that sits above my head every damn day and night.
Agh right.

I did really lead a similar life. I was like the first tldr outside of OP.

But as a kid and all through high school I don't even know why but I lived by the same code.

If you always smile, no one ever Straight up dislikes you.
Even when YOU don't feel like it, you can still inspire some cheer in others and maybe they'll reciprocate - even if they don't say anything - and you can see some joy and bring out some in yourself.

But my main code of living was very black and white. I never wanted to offend anyone. I never wanted to break any rules. I never wanted to be noticed by whole crowds.

I was shy, I was awkward. But anyone of my few close relations all believed me to be an exceptional man of few words.

I kept this up until I straight up broke down.
I just refused any emotions I had and used any time alone that my friends didn't ask of me my participation to just play games online anonymously and spread good progress and emotions there.

I never had any emotion, foresight, or opinions.

Yet I was immensely successful on the academic path laid out for me and got a free pass into college on a scholorship that I did nothing of effort to earn.

The hardest classes that I took for college credit in high school were the only challenge I ever faced, but I merely relied on my deteremined and smart friend to together understand the material, and then I would teach it to any others that needed help in my classes.

Then when I was alone. GameOver
No problem.
Just followin' the feels.

Now how do I meet up with my friend with the dead little brother. Maybe the booze will tell me, I shall channel the rum.
Captain Morgan, I beseech the, what do?
>T.h.e F.ap.pen.ni.n.g Fu.l.l Co.l.le.ction
You sound really, really familiar. Were you the crazy drunk who kept the mask-chan thread alive for hours a few weeks ago...?
You just described what I am feeling right now too. I dont know how that makes you feel, but when I read that it makes me feel a bit warmer knowing im not alone. I have no idea what to do either, I guess we just have to wait for something/ someone to come along and make life a bit brighter. Sometimes just talking to random people (Omegle is good sometimes) makes things a little better.
>What I did.

Am back and bouncing as my old retardedly-optimistic self getting things other than bed-laying, League of Legends, and sulking.

You've gotta find whatever ever got you going.
If it was video games, then go goddamn make one. Or review them and get 1m hits on youtube and change people's buying decisions by telling them what is shit.
(I'm actually not planning to do anything serious with them, want to keep them as a past time.)

If video games are (likely) just a distraction, then think hard to what you ever enjoyed and pursue that lightly. If you ever liked plants or nature, go volunteer at a charity farm that makes food for the hungry, I can guarantee the people / volunteers there will be nice (one of the things I did in the deepest of depression, I just made it an obligation - and it didn't fix me but it was somewhat enjoyable to see those great people even if I didn't feel the self-worth to contribute anything other than shrugs or nods to their conversations, and they didn't mind).

Just do a thing out of the house.

Or sit inside and think back until you think maybe just maybe you might like something. Then force yourself to do it.

That's what I'd suggest.
And did.

When I literally spent 3 years in depression, 1000+ days in bed hating myself and eventually just immediately snapped back one day. Even though my immediate and very assholish and hurtful (to others as well) past / GUILT still existed.
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Holy jesus fuck yeah!

You're goddamn right I was!
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I'll probably get shit for this, but whatever.

Flash back 10 years ago, I was a 15-year-old high school dropout dating this wispy blonde who I didn't even like. I mean, I made it apparent that I didn't like her. She had this aggravating lisp when she spoke, didn't know how to dress herself, and all of her friends were more attractive than her (I don't even know why that last point annoyed me, but fuck, it did). We dated off and on for about a year before her wealthy, private school life (her family owned a hotel chain) and my shit-tier world finally discovered the incompatibility.

Flash forward ten years, and I've got a degree from one of the best schools in the world, am working a dream job with a dream salary, and am dating a girl who, in no reality, should I have been able to land. It's been almost a decade since I have even thought about the blonde. Last month, she found me on Instagram (I know, so fucking 21st century). And I don't know why, but as soon as I saw her and realized who she was, that shit just crushed me. I've spent the last month dreaming about this girl, about being fifteen again. About a time when I had nothing, and about a girl who I didn't even like. I don't even think it has anything to do with her. I think I just miss the freedom, the mixture of not knowing and not caring, the days when I spent so much time trying to get into her head that I never got stuck in mine. And it's fucking demoralizing that those are the days that meant the most to me. I've worked my ass off to maximize my own life and the memory of a girl I didn't even like won't let me enjoy it.
Hah. Small world. Small world...

Might see you again sometime soon, friend.
Sorry, this is a long one so I gotta split it

Part I.

>Be me
>Average dude at school
>Couple good friends, but not even close to popular or something like that
>Everything is bretty gud
>One day in higschool, this chubby kid who was in my math class starts picking on me

note: I've never got bullied. I think I could describe myself as a chill guy and no one really has a reason to bully me. I don't want to fight with anyone. I'm nice to everybody, teachers, janitors, students etc. I think everybody who knew me, liked me

>Anyhoo, don't give a fuck since he's a chubby shit I could beat up in couple seconds
>He trying to annoy me like this pretty much:

Bully: Hey dude, are you annoyed??!
Me: No, why should I? Just because some fat kid is saying u mad bruh to me won't make me pissed.
Bully: Lol, you're so mad. Why aren't you saying anything back, are you a pussy?
Me: ...are you serious now...

>At this point his being loud as fuck and he's friends starts to gather up around me and my friends table.
>Teacher doesn't do anything.

Me: No I won't? That would be just plain stupid.
Part II

>At this point it was starting to get irritating, but I still didn't really care. After all he was just calling me pussy, and who the fuck cares if someone hinks I'm a pussy for not fighting back.
>This goes on for the whole ''fucking'' day, and the teacher doesn't seem to care somewhy
>It's getting so fucking annoying. His insults aren't even good and he's just repeating the word pussyfag over and over and over again.

>Skip till the end of the day, and the bully is still doing this shit. Not just as much as before. I'm starting to get hopefull that he might stop.
>fucking no

Bully: Well, since you're such a "cool and chill and peaceful guy", I won't tease you then. I'll tease your pussy friends.

note 2: Couple of my friends aren't something you'd call "athletic", or "Good in fights" so I get actually worried about this.

>I think the bully senses this and starts pushing my a bit chubbier friend around.
>Teacher still just fucking sits there, doing nothing.
>I get pissed now, yell the bully to stop.

Bully: Oh, now you're speaking up. Do you remember if your friends did the same to you?

>I get closer to him

Me: You better fucking stop this shit now man. I'm not joking anymore.
Bully: Oh, whatchya gonna do pussy? Hit me? I've got 5 badass friends here to back me up and you have 2 fat pussies, and a dude who won't even look this way.

>I'm seriously getting fucking pissed now. Like angrier than I've never been before.
>I yell so loud to him, tears coming from my eyes, To. Fucking. Stop. Now.
>He won't
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Part III.

Bully: Come at me pussy!

>He tries to hit me. His punch was so slow I easily moved away from it.

Me: Last fucking warning man. Stop before it's too late.

>At this point teacher finally notices and says to break the fight.
>I'm too fucking pumped up at this point, and the bullies friend tries to punch me too.
>She misses too
>Now I fucking go over the edge
>Like "Hulk kind of over the edge" -angry

>I throw her on her ground, and punch the motherfucker with all my power.
>He blacks out from that one and only punch.
>Rolls on the floor, bleeding heavily from the nose.
>Teacher gets mad at me for punching him, and not being the mature one and just walking out of the situation.
>Someone calls the ambulance because neither of them is getting up.
>I have to go to the principal's office with my teacher, parents, the bullies and their parents and my whole class.
>Every adult blames me for being angry kid with terrorism potential.
>I literally go fucking nuts now.
>I start to rant out the whole day's events, and all my friends and the class backs me up on everything.
>Principal is understanding as fuck, and now finally realizes that I'm not a fucking crazy dude-beater.
>The bully gets a serious warning (I don't know how to translate this to english correctly, but it wasn't just bunch of words. It's pretty serious warning)
>Principal also asks if I wan't money as a way for him to apologize.
>I say no. I say he needs to shake my hand and say "I'm sorry, I'm a insecure prick and I'm sincerely sorry".
>His mom, his fucking mom makes him say this to me before I change my mind and want money from them.
>mfw he has to say this through his teeths almost crying.
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I haven't really posted / been on since.
I've been really busy.
Walking 10+ miles to music everyday because why the fuck not.
Been short on cash seeing as I need a job.
Was about to put out all these job apps I've planned out. Receive news about dead friend's little brother.

Got home from my walk today and I found this booze.
Become my final form, the drunk rambler, once again.

Can't believe I got recognized -- from so long ago! That's just amazing to me. What a unique and amazing place this land of ever-impending 404 is.
See you around, friend.

>What the fuck is the picture face I don't even. I posted it for based mask chan bumping, I think, what the fuck.
>live a normal life, go to school and generally be a gullible little faggot
>introduced to drugs
>drop out
>go from +150k $ in the bank to - 4k $ in debt in a year
>extreme depression lingers on since as long as I can remember
>alienated myself partly from my family
>just waiting on something to push me over the edge


Thanks anon, it makes me feel a bit better to know I'm not by myself on this too. I hope everything works out for you and is okay again.


I'll do what I can, I've been trying to get a job honestly to help me get out of the house more and just nobody is hiring, it's infuriating. But I'm happy you're better anon, nobody deserves to feel like this, I wouldn't wish it on someone I hate the guts of even.

But anyway, I'm gonna head to bed, thank you guys for the input. Hope you guys have wonderful nights/days. G'night :)
Quite the coincidence, us posting at the same time again, since I've barely posted since then, either.


▲ ▲
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▲ ▲
Damn man, that's the kind of point of view I come to these threads to find.

I woulda been the shit-tier young person overjoyed to have found company. I could never comprehend the people of higher school-age status, those that had social understanding or thoughts like that. I knew only to find those that wouldn't ignore me, those with similar nerdy likes and a similar degree of social-outcastedness and befriend those.

But that regret I know, but from the flipside really.

The regret that I spent the most memorable time of a human life alone playing MMOs on the internet, and that anything I do now with my progress and my able social ability to just be on the even talking level with near all people (except stuck up 10/10s or something, but fuck them if they think they can just ignore the rest of the population) will be too late.

I just regret wasting my time. I didn't experience the full teenager life wrong to a few reasons, I just missed the point of it all - to grow up with other peers.

But I had my few great friends and I was never alone then. I had a great time.
I just missed out on... most of it.

So I sympathise with you from the other half. You were too socially skilled to enjoy her, and probably other kids, as a person. And I was one of those that just couldn't bother with the other higher tier social groups.
>grades aren't good enough to transfer out
>stay up til 4am locked in my room playing vidya and listening to music
Nigga, you do not have my sympathy.
It is a Random bond upon the most Random of places.


'night ya'll.
(Though you alone know that I said good night and continued to bump for like ~7 hours because people kept posting interesting things and there was not only nearby alcohol, but also caffeine.)

fucking shit you're a faggot
But unlike last time, I won't be around later to find you again, because I'll be asleep this time.

Goodnight. Don't drink too much.
This thread is massive and refuses to die. I petition we mark it the official "midnight train" for today. The main event, you know?
>OP abandoned thread 4 hours ago.
>That was midnight here
>Time zones.
>Not taking a single single night every once in a while to seek opinions in a different media if you're struggling with something and a difficult past
>Naps in order to accomodate for a weird sleep schedule
I won't....

Why is the rum all gone.

I forgot that last time when I was ~blackout I went walking along a quite trafficked street.
That was some shit.

I'ma sleep soon, too, lol.

As a testament to my ongoing improvement, I'm even a more emotionally / mentally / common sense endowed drunk!

Great Success.

Also my legs basically are done for the day, went double trekking for like 20+ miles. Shit, me. What the fuck?

ill be your friends bro
I had many /b/ros during weed-eraday-all-day-in-great-excess year, and depressed drunk 3 years.

There's a point where long distance (and double that because Anons) just don't cut it, though.

Not to say that it isn't nearly as valuable. But until we can move consciousness on over to the computer database that holds all consciousnesses, we humans need some bros that we can chink glasses / play console multiplayer / hike / camp / talk / punch / etc. with.

But the sentiment is meaningfully accepted.
Thanks bro friend.
Good night, band that played that time that bitch convinced me to come to her town for a day and then slipped me ecstasy (first non-alcohol / first-ever weed with some "edgy" childhood friends at like age 19). Danced the fuck to their big song, she had to tell me to not overheat as I realized what the fuck I have never danced what is this the real life and she told me what she done done.

This crazy one:

Shoulda recognized the crazy. Why did I even do.
On my way out I grabbed a soda from her fridge and she said I'd have to come see her on her birthday at her hometown in exchange for the soda I was drinking.

Her dad like proposed to me over sandwiches at her sandwich shop that she was working. He loved that I was a respectable prospective engineer like him, and interested in his whore daughter. He paid for my sandwhich. Was the best part of the 3 hour round trip of driving.

She was crazy and left that night with some dudebro when I said I wouldn't impregnate her. Then some fucking doofus got her pregnant and married the drug addict Craziness only like a month later like I said earlier.

BWahaha, what a retard.

ill just say this, without delving to deep

/b/ro from brooklyn
work in video production, make good money try and avoid this site
posted maybe 10 times this past year incl. this post....for some reason your post made me need to respond.

don't know why

with that said....i guess......im here for you bro
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Hey man, thanks.

That describes my year with the here.

My other debut was cited out by this awesome guy somehow, I can't even believe.

The reason I don't post often is because I'm only ever honest. And I don't usually have much to honestly contribute that is unique, relevant, or interesting enough that I bother after my first experiences here of posting and seeing a 404 with 0 replies, or just 1 or 2 replies of newfag when I thought I was being clever.

But recently, yeh, I've been busy. But the 2 times I posted I like outdid OP as a drunken rambling mess. It's rambling, but I don't bother with false stories or exaggeration. One of my best friends was the king of lies / exaggerating and I always tried to keep myself as a (usually) Man of Few Words intriguing by only piping in when I had some real shit that I could say.
And that was, then, always the reaction I got in life. Surprise and awe at the 1 sentence I'd add when generally they just thought I was one of those clueless "good listeners". If I ever raised my hand in class once a month, it would like change the teacher's lesson arc to accomodate.

But yeh, that's how I am. If I get allowed a speech or get off on a tangent, it's tldr as fuck.
This is obviously true at all times if drunk, because there goes society's gate of brevity and wit. Drunk me gun tell you a big-ass, unlikely, yet true story.

I would hope it's a nice break from bullshitting. But it's also tldr.
Not sure how awake. Am drnk

I guess it's just shit either way. You missed out on meaningful moments to look back on, but the upside is you don't have anything to hinder you moving forward.

I don't know what I would choose, given the choice. To miss out on experiences in youth, in exchange for an uninhibited future, or to have experiences in youth, in exchange for struggling for satisfaction in the future.

I know I'd take the latter, but my memories make me biased.
I'd absolutely say it's the former as well.

There are a shitton of self-help books that teach you to move from betafag up on to classy dude than how to curb your feelings from achieving high social class.

But no matter how you live you're going to have baggage.
But the fact that your worst memory of that time isn't bullying me and 10 different lower guys in order to maintain your status, rather than just having it and maybe mentally looking down on someone? That means you're better off now with guilt-stores than most people who lived a similar life to yours.

I knew a ton of the Koolest Kids that were great to me, and you seem like you would be one, or at least not one that was malicious.

There's always that source of rightness in your past. You weren't out to hurt her. You were kind to her. You gave her an amazing opportunity even if ya'll peacefully had to end the relationship.

That you found each other and she felt it cool to reach out and give you the notice that she found you years later even though she had been living her own unruined life all this time?

It speaks volumes about your character and how well you handled that relationship. Even if you regret parts of how you yourself were internally feeling it (especially since if she were a bit socially inept she would never have even felt the misgivings that you were feeling, nor recognized them in you; until the peaceful breakup).
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'Night Thread.
Have everything? Dude, you are working your life away and not living life. Ofcourse you feel sadness. You never get the experience.
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