Tard stories thread? Tard stories thread.
>be in middle school
>sign up to help tards with everyday things.
>get time off class as well
>i take the tards outside to keep them occupied.
>we end up in the forest behind the school
>one of the tards "jackson" decides to take a stick and tie some girls hair to it.
>jackson is getting some serious keks from this, i chose to ignore it as the tardette didnt seem to notice.
>after some time i decide to take them back inside.
>the girl still had the stick stuck in her hair.
the stick was about 6" inches long, and was pretty thick.
>as we walk through the trees, jackson trips tardette.
>she falls halfway, and gets the stick stuck in between a tree branch.
>after some pulling she falls.
>a huge chunk of her hair fell out with her.
>seriously, i could have built a terrier with all that fucking hair.
>tardette freaks out, she probably thought her scalp had come off.
>I wanted to help her but i was to busy keking the hardest of keks.
as stated, i have a ton of tard stories to share, if you guys are interested.
>waiter at wealthy jew retirement home
>get paid $8/hr rolling in the dough
>everything going good been there about 2 months
>fucking around with golf cart
>yo roodypoo hop in the golf cart
>friend is recording us fucking around
>do some retarded ass shit
>flip golf cart
>fuck up friends leg and my $350 pants
>friend helps me flip it back over
>put golf cart back pretend nothing happened
>next day everyone is telling me they know
was an awesome job too, all the staff was cool and when we worked the double shift we would just go over to this guys apartment 2 blocks away and get high out of our minds
>advanced art class just started
>teacher tells us to mix the paint until it is fully dissolved
>Start blowing into the paint while mixing
I sit in the middle of the class so I was in direct view of everyone
>everyone staring at me
>dad bought me a 28k car in august when I was 16
>been smoking hella weed with friends and his money for a long ass time (can i have money for food/gas etc.
>we have this parking garage in the middle of a weird ass neighborhood that we all chill at
>many stories here
>parking garage is basically for a medical rehab place and there are 3 floors and a roof with only the first 2 floors being used
>3rd level is exposed to the elements and the building towers about it a few more floors with windows viewing the roof and slightly exposed 3rd floor
>we have monday off and decide to go smoke at the garage
>we all park on the exposed part, not quite on the roof but visible to 3 floors of windows
>fast n furious formation
>friend revving his engine with his new exhaust does a burnout
>me and other friend are like woah dude bad vibes people are working here
>go in friends car (mazda speed 3) to smoke
>been smoking we're pretty fucking high
>cop car rolls up
>WHAT DO WE DO
>another cop car rolls up
>OH MY FUCK
>friend holds up grinder and pipe to window for cop to see bc he's too high and panicking idk
>cop comes up taps on window
>rolls down window and shit ton of smoke just rolls out into his face
>makes us get out of the car
>there was an assembly at school, and everyone was required to go.
>yes, tards to.
>this was part of my "free time" so i ended up escorting tards to assembly.
> The assembly was about some sort of "post- columbine procedures.
>this assembly was the most boring thing i couldve sat through.
>and i went to catholic church, when i was 7.
>as the clock moves faster than the speed of the tards iq, one of them decides it would be a great idea to stand up, and shout "sackburger" over and over.
>as i calm him down, another tard shouts the same thing.
>i thought there was going to be a chain reaction and all of them were going to do it.
>only 2 of them start shouting it, and the teachers seem to not care.
>thetards wont stop so i begin to escort them out.
>then as i m leaving i hear a loud "sackburger" come from the back of the gym.
>at first i thought one had escaped, but i did a quick headcount and all of them were there.
>one guy thought "sackburger" meant a rebellion to this boredom, and he got his friends to start saying it.
>soon the whole gym is filled with "sackburger"
>teachers pull out megaphone to calm them down, and one of my tards nabs it.
>this is one of the sack burger tards.
>he repeatadly chants "sackburger" until the teachers just give up and call of the assembly.
>teachers blame me for not stopping the tards, despite my best efforts.
>i get suspended for 3 days due to "disorderly conduct"
> turns out the principal just needed someone to blame, but couldnt blame the tards.
>that was the last time the tards were allowed within a 45 foot radius of an important assembly.
I still don't know what "sackburger" means
OMG GUYZ THIS ONE TIME I WAS SMOKING LIKE 3 MARIJUANAS AND A COP CAR ROLLED UP AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO LIKE OMG I'M SUCH A BAD ASS HUH, AND I'M RICH AS FUCK CAUSE MY DADDY BOUGHT ME A CAR.
fucking new fag.
fat retard in our school
probably the most retarded person ive seen
definition of a mongaloid
screams in the halls in a high pitched "ah weeeee"
runs through the hall doing that
makes frequent trips to the bathroom
sings in the bathroom looking at his reflection
pisses with pants all the way down
buddy caught him jerking off and filmed it
was hitting his dick open palmed
to dumb to cusp his cock
>he's obviously not from around here (north texas area)
>thick ass uneducated southern accent
>asks me if there's anything in my car
>tell him "I don't know"
>I honestly didn't know my car was full of work shit and I have hella paraphernalia not sure if any bud
>If you've got anything in there I'm going to have to search it
>he's getting pissed off spitting dip everywhere
>tripping me out
>searches my car
>finds nothing but paraphernalia but nothing that he could prove was for bud (scale, lighters, papers, etc)
>doesn't know how to open the hood of a car
>he thinks my car is fast bc it has a shiny custom intake
>what's so funny
>basically he doesn't have shit on any of us but my mazda friend who is responsible for us getting caught bc all of our shit was in his car
>cop doesn't recognize a $200 vape
>calls all of our parents
>IT'S FUCKING COLD AS SHIT
>20 degrees windchill 0 degrees probably and i have a sweat shirt on
>wait 30 minutes high and cold for parents to show up
>dad is ex-cop and didn't know I smoke
>freaks the fuck out and drives my car home with me in it
>cop tells him to sell my car
>"I'm going to sell your car"
>get car back in a month and continue smoking weed
>week before assembly
>im not on the clock
>one of the tards comes up and hugs me
>i thought it was my boyfriend
>i whisper (pretty loudly) "i missed you so much baby.
>everyone looked at me.
>became known as the tard lover for the rest of the year and beyond.
mad fags lel
>I like to hang around the socially awkward, downy kids
>I'm not one of them though
>They CAN in fact form coherent sentences
>One day one of them brings up the topic of sex
>People start to giggle and laugh
>One kid for some weird reason gets mad
>He takes a fist full of his lunch, (Spaghetti, lol)
>He shoves the spaghetti in the kid's face and calls him a faggot
>Everyone starts a shit storm
>There are bananas being thrown everywhere
>I click off of 4chan and exit my browser
>MFW I outsmarted you.
>Be in highschool
>have bomb-ass auto shop teacher who cracks jokes and is an over all bro
>Be across the hall from the tard room
>kid in power chair rolls into the auto shop
>"THpppppp-sowwie, wong cwaswoom"
>kid rides off but bumps into table and knocks 5 Qt bottle of motor oil on floor
>Lands cap first, breaking open and spilling oil
>tard shrieks and scrunches his arms up to his chest and leans far back as if he is being affected by G-force
>tries to zip away in power chair
>oil causes loss of traction
>finally gains traction and zips out into hallway still all G-forcey
>hear him drive straight into lockers and shreiks again
>Snickers now turn into bursts of laughter
>From that point on auto shop teacher refers to the tards as "G-Force kids"
more tard stories, new grade.
>be in high school
>no longer enrolled in the potato police
>tards still recongize me
>be forced to make small talk evertime i see one in the hallway.
>one such time a tard walks up to me and starts screeching.
>i tell him to stop, but he keeps going.
>new tardguard comes over
>tard stops screeching, and looks me dead in the eyes.
>tard whispers "started from my bottom now im here"
>he shoves his finger in my face
>it smells like ASS
>he was fingering his asshole.
>thats why he was screeching.
>everyone avoids me like the fucking plague after that.
no one wants anything to do with me, or my unsolicited potato ecounters.
Jojo and the curious digit.
>Be me working with MRDD at group home a decade ago.
>Jojo had a behavior, he liked to jam things in his pooper.
>Be me handing out meds before bed.
>meds in separate room with safety glass window.
>See Jojo push other client down on table and and pull his pants down.
>Jojo makes eye contact gives me a thumbs up.
>I Scream "No Jojo NO!"
>Jojo nods yes.
>Jojo;s hand whirls in a circle as I frantically pull open the door.
>other client screams the most horrible sound I have ever heard as Jojo's thumb goes up his ass.
>Separate them and file incident report.
>Quit that night.
>Riding the short bus to school because I got kicked out and sent to a new school.
>The tards also ride with us
>One day it was real icy and snowing real hard
>Tard girl walks out to the bus, slips at the top of her driveway and rolls down the hill under the bus
> advanced art
>freshman year in shit tier nutrition class
>two king tards
>Tim a short potato who was 99% muscle and moved every single thing whenever he moved and smelled like pure vinegar.
>Jim a tall potato that was really horny and asked girls out constantly.
>one day Tim is asked something and responds "alright" although because hard he says "AWWWAAAII"
>this pleases Jim so he repeats it but louder
>this goes back and forth like a retarded tennis match successfully getting louder and louder.
>until the tard wrangler snaps and no more AWAII
>it was a good day.
You think that's tardy, listen to this.
>One of the smarter people in my classes
>Somehow ended up with all 6/6 classes with a fucking tardtron 9000
>"Okay, I can deal with this."
>About second week of school, he needs my help in digital media (photoshop 101 m8s)
>"Um alright, what's happening?"
>In the fucking tardiest voice i've heard in my life, he says, "Help, there's a penis on my screen and I can't get it off!"
>Resists laughing out fucking loud
>Tells him to use the eraser tool
>HE GOES AND PULLS A FUCKING ERASER OUT OF HIS BAG AND TRIES TO USE IT ON HIS SCREEN
>Laughs out loud and gets kicked out of class.
>seventh grade art class
>my class is full of tards for some reason
>be painting a picture as classwork
>take a break from painting and look around
>see a tard shoving a finger up his butthole and then proceeding to sniff it
>art teacher also sees
>art teacher walks over to tard
>says "oh my god go wash your hands"
>tard looks up and screams "Godzilla" at the top of his lungs
>smashes his hands down into paint
>splatters the art teacher with paint and ruins everyone's paintings at his table
>art teacher sighs and walks out of the classroom
mfw we had a substitute for the rest of the year
>be in library with friends
>tard comes up to us
>he ask "Can I pway"
>friend tells him to fuck off
>he shrieks and runs off
>playing mario kart 64 in student lounge
>tard comes up to us
>Can I hef Nex Gaym
>tell him no again
>he says " Ah'll gif u ah (quarter) cortaah"
>we all laugh at that
>tard starts shreiking
>we laugh harder
>mfw tard starts crying
>Be new tard-wrangler at alternate middle school
>70 kids in whole school - five are derps
>Other tard wrangler is old fat guy (sorta looks like Uncle Vernon, but older)
>One day, this borderline-midget tard decides to book it into the corn field behind school
>ohfuckno why today when I'm fucking hungover
>Chase after him
>Old fat guy fucking SPRINTS past me, wheezing and cursing with every stride
>Plows over the tard like the Killdozer
>Bitch starts crying
>Old guy looks like he's about to puke his heart out his ass - collapses
>Tard runs off again - sudden dilemma: Let old guy die, which everyone would expect, or catch the midget and keep job?
>Old guy stands up, pukes, yells at me to keep going
>Catch tard after ten minutes of following broken corn stalks
>Freaks the fuck out and screams like a banshee
>Some farmer or some shit sees this and thinks I'm kidnapping the fucker
>Try to tell him what's going on
>Charges me with with a 2x4
>TARD LOSES HIS SHIT (literally)
>Attacks farm guy in the nuts
>Fuck this, I'm getting a new job - run back into corn field and back to school
>Tell them what happened and that it's not my problem anymore
>Later find out that the kid actually sent the dude to the hospital for ball-wounds from his tard-strength and his parents had to pay the bill
Not the best story, but it's the only one I have besides the typical cleaning up their puke and piss or keeping them from eating pencil shavings.
I already told my tard story earlier in a thread that vanished. Ain't telling the whole thing again. So here is the short version.
Discover girl while walking to store. Stop, end up fucking girl. School starts and she is in the tards class. I ignored her and called her a liar. She was heartbroken. I did not know she was a tard. I just thought she was stupid.
Almost lost my rep. I would have been ruined had the school known. I was mean as hell to a sweet girl whose v card I took on a whim for no reason.
>be at school dance
>some tards are there too
>tards act like they have "dates" but are actually teachers pretending.
it was at this point i realized we should have respect for teachers, because they did this against their will
>tards try to kiss, hold hands, etc.
>teachers want none of this.
>teachers convince tards to go out and dance
>The all get on the floor
>proceeed to do the worm
>thats right, all of them.
>tards start worming into eachother.
>teachers break them up.
>never saw any tards at school dances again.
Found a gif for you faggots to understand the dance these potatos did.
>brother is hardcore autist
>full on savant
>come home from school one day
>house reeks of shit
>go down to my basement
>bro is standing there, naked and completely covered in his own poop
>the walls were coated in his slimy fecal matter
>a nice clump of shit sat perfectly coiled on my PS3
>it looked like a shit from a cartoon
>be me, about 34 years old
>in a band with carlos and some other guys
>carlos has a tard daughter
>carlos's girlfriend tells the band girls that tard is sexually insatiable
>tard is 28 and still a virgin
>be at band practice
>carlos brings the tard daughter
>carlos is a drunk btw
>drinks a 12 pack in a two hour practice
>band aint going nowhere
>carlos brings tard two wine coolers, flavored kool aid
>jamming out to freebird
>guitar player gives tard a cowbell and a drum stick
>tard hoots and beats cowbell while drinking wine coolers
>smiles stupid when guitar player says shes in the band
>hour two starts, and its hot in the garage
>tard halfway through second kool aid
>take shirt off
>tard stops whacking cowbell and stares
>play long ass song
>guitar player has steve vail moment
>three minute song lasts 12 minutes
>tard watching me with hungry look
>tard puts drum stick between crossed legs
>mfw nobody can see tards front but me
>tard starts rubbing self with drum stick
>song reaches climax
>so does tard
>tard honks like a dying goose
>honks covered by cymbal crashes
>they think tard is singing along anyway
>tard has light coat of sweat
>tard is ready for love
Work at a home for at risk youth, boys ages 6-13
Double bunk room, 4 aged 6,6,7,7
Not sleeping one night, I walk in
They're all fucking naked
Sucking each other off
Then I look.. Fucking 4 ft CareBear...fucking hole in its crotch
It was the yellow one...Funshine bear
I can't fucking look at it anymore
Fucking running a train on the bear
>band guys go into the house to smoke a joint
>im ready to go
>guitar player needs to learn a new scale anyway
>tard comes out
>stares at me like im a happy meal
>says "you are pretty"
>tard is shy
>walk over to tard
>"you play a mean cowbell, tard"
>tard isnt name, but none of your business
>hug tard to make her night complete
>tard hugs me with one arm
>other hand goes to my cock
>cock springs into action
>tard pulls away and looks at me as cock hardens through jeans
>tard starts to make grunting noises
>tard knows whats up
>look tard in eyes
>"does that excite you"
>tard doesnt speak, just nods head
>take tard by hand and lead her between garage and house
>its like three feet apart
>band shitfaced stoned in house
>start feeling up tards tits
>tard starts hooting
>"shhhh, tard, they wouldnt understand if they caught us"
>tard quiets down
>move down and stard rubbing big tard ass through jeans
>tard loses it, grabs tits
>tard quiets down
>move hands to jeans button and unsnap
>start rubbing forest that is tard mound
>>tard gets really quiet
>move hands down, find tard clit
>tard starts panting in excitement
>mfw it feels like im fondling a farm animal
>slip finger into tard
>finger hurts, fingerpicking bass makes fingertips raw
>tard soaking wet
>put hand on tards neck, tard turns head to catch my finger in her mouth
>sucks on finger
>pull mom jeans down to tard knees
>they must have bathed this tard recently since i dont smell anything
>cock springs out
>cock dont care that its about to fuck tard pussy, man
>tard still sucking finger
>move other hand down to tard slit
>tard is wet as fuck
>use hand to guide cock into tard
>hard to put it in but i do
>tard gasps but keeps sucking finger
>start slow fucking tard from behind
>two minutes later tard starts to honk like she did with the cowbell
>almost there but lost it
>keep pumping this tard with both hands on waist
>tard doing a good job of keeping quiet
>about to cum but then tard starts to honk again
>fuck, are they that stoned?
>start really pounding tard
>tard making weird dying noises
>>blow load into tard puss