First time masturbating stories.
>Don't know anything about masturbating
>Ask teacher if I can go to the bathroom
>Take pass and walk there
>Place pass down on the dispenser
>Unzip, pull down, and pull out
>Don't think much about it and touch my penis
>Suddenly feels really good, never felt it before
>Feels better when I rub it a little
>Going on rubbing for a minute until my eyes widen and I feel my first orgasm
>Splooge all over the toilet
>Can't even look at it without seeing my DNA plastered on it
>Little worried, but just think that everyone goes through this
>Wipe up leftovers on my penis, completely ignoring the stuff on the toilet
>Grab pass and walk to class normally, still blushing from my first experience with my hand
I'd be interested if a femanon shared their story.
Some other OP posted the same exact thread, but 404'd before I could finish typing.
Her story was pretty hot.
That'd be me. Seems I need to lurk more to understand why it got deleted. Some things have to be learned by shitposting instead of lurking, I guess?
I'll repost if this thread stays alive for a bit, I have a couple of things to do right now.
You aren't supposed to be civil, you're supposed to tell me to gtfo your /b/.
Anyway, I'll repost from the beginning.
>Don't really understand masturbation
>Watching Sailor Moon
>Older bro is cookin' in kitchen
>Sit on hand
>Don't understand why, just keep doing it
>Bro comes in
>"Hey anon, whaddya want with this chicken"
>"uh idk broccoli i guess"
>I go back to Tuxedo Mask and grinding
looking back...wow, i was an idiot.
This is pretty soon after my brother leaves
>Go to bathroom
>Underwear is moist
>aw shit should have gone sooner gotta stop being distracted
>pee, take off wet panties, drop in laundry go back downstairs commando because i'm a fucking genius
>Straight back to grinding
>Don't stop for the whole rest of the show, not even paying attention, thinkin' the Tuxedo Mask thoughts
>Full on rubbing along the length of my fingers
>Confused why fingers are wet
>fuck it will deal later
>Brother comes in again
>"hey anon come help me dish up"
>"uhh do i have to"
>"i fuckin cooked this shit if you arent gonna help then you can have like two forkfuls see if i care"
>I go to kitchen
>Usual routine: I get the cutlery/plates out and tell him how much I want, he serves
>Nothing unusual happens
>He picks up his knife and fork and goes into living room
>"hey anon why are these wet"
ffffffffffff i cringe every time i think back on it
>Some shitty school play
>am in orchestra, will be playing for the play so I don't have to act, still have to sit there during rehearsals
>Girls in silly dresses
>Guys in silly costumes
>This one guy in a mask
>A fucking mask
>Love the idea of some stranger in a mask just taking me
>yeah okay I had a bit of an obsession
>Back of the hall
>Hand between crossed legs
>Rubbing wrist against pussy
>Barely conscious I'm doing it
>Watch this guy
>He's saying his lines all smooth like
>Hall is pretty quiet
>Mask guy looks straight at me
>I let out this tiny fucking moan
>A fucking moan what the fuck
>Teacher turns round
>"anon are you okay"
>just kinda shrug and look away
I swear the guy knew when he looked at me. I was so creepy.
Not that young any more.
>Me and another girl have birthdays on the same day
>Paper hats everywhere because leftover Christmas junk or something, I dunno
>Everyone wearing a paper hat
>Some guy, we'll call him Dan, suggests only birthday girls should wear birthday hats
>Wearing birthday hats all over bodies
>On legs, on arms, round neck, etc
>Stuff one down bra as joke for friend
>LOL YOU STUFFED YOUR BRA WITH HAT LOL HAHAHA
>Teacher mad, sends him out
>friend and I are amused that we got him sent out
>A stupid idea approaches!
>Stuff paper hat down underwear within view of him
>Stick out tongue at him, trying to bait him into saying something
>He walks out silent
>A little uncomfortable but the paper is rubbing against me and hmm, why does this feel good, this is weird
>Rub my legs together a little, rustles, so I have to do it slow
>The rustling gets less over time, I stupidly don't wonder why
>continue rubbing for most of class, basically straight up slow-masturbating in a maths lesson
>paper hats go in bin
>Remove hat from bra, general lols are had as people watch
>Remove hat from underwear
>One drop literally drips onto the floor
My face has literally never been redder. There are red giant stars that are jealous of my glow.
Holy shit, someone please remove this memory from my brain.
Don't remember the first time I masturbated, but the first time I came I was on cam to some 'girl' I found on a chat site
>mfw i realised my first ever ejaculation was probably in front of some 50 year old pedo
>I am gril
>One day some friends talk about this thing that they did that felt really good.
>They say if a guy puts his meat in you it will feel really good.
>Go find my life long friend, ask him if he wants to try it.
>We go over in his backyard and he takes off his clothes.
>Puts his meat inside me,
>Feels so warm and nice,
>I cry out,
>Getting hotter and hotter for me
>He takes his meat out and shows me it.
>Damn it he burned lunch,
>I am Grill.
Shifting into maximum overcringe, sorry for anachronic order
>13 years of age I be
>Read a book about puberty, masturbation etc
>Have reached enlightenment
>Makes me think about masturbation
>Makes me think sexy thoughts
>Makes me think of masked men
>Go to study room (just a classroom with a teacher in it doing teacher work, quiet place to go during lunch)
>Only one other person, plus teacher
>Sit down, read book
>Other person leaves
>Imagine teacher in mask
>Imagine him taking me away, kidnap scenarios etc
>Hand between legs
>Very, very mild rubbing
Why did I do this so much, /b/, I was so dumb...anyway
>He gets up
>Whip hand out at near lightspeed
>"will be right back anon, try not to cause too much havoc..."
>for passing this submissiveness test, you gain +1 moisture!
>Serious rubbing now
>Alone in classroom
I seriously thought "why not". I'LL TELL YOU WHY NOT...
>Have read about penetration
>Put a finger inside
>doesn't do much but so much wetness
>Continue general rubbing with finger inside, one hand above table holding book open
>Keeping up pretense of reading book
>But blatantly masturbating
>Getting close to orgasm (not that I realise this)
>open mouth breathing, red face, the works
>Freeze, finger still inside
>Teacher walks in
>Looks right at me
>"managed to keep the place in one piece, i see"
>Can barely make human speech
>"Are you busy? Could you do me a quick favour?"
>"Could you go down and get the register for me?"
>Rub myself a little while saying it
>pass submissiveness test #2
>He gives me a strange look
>"actually never mind"
>He looks at me for like five seconds
>I'm still knuckle deep, trying not to show anything
>"I'll get it later"
>He sits down
and here is where I go full retard
>he is looking at workbooks
>he won't notice
>think about masked kidnappings some more
>Two students come in
>take seats near mine
>"do you smell that?"
Kill me. I bet he knew it all along.
Did you at least serve it to somebody?
That stuff turns me on so much nowadays, once jerked my gerkin into someone's milkshake. When it turned out to be a solid 9.6/10, I couldn't hold in the second wave much longer.
Damn, having people secretly eating your seed is amazing.
>I;ggy A;zalea Sex T;ape l;eaked >>>
x_vu/IggyAzaleaSexTape (use dot instead of _ )
(tits or gtfo)
i used to rub up against my pillow or stuffed animals (over underwear or clothes) and noticed how good it felt. never used my hands until i was like, 12 when i had my first orgasm reading a sexy porn story about a female teacher and female student. i would touch myself over my underwear and i thought it was amazing amazing that i could make myself cum but also ashamed. but i did a lot. like after school / after dinner and before bed.
also thought it was fucked up that i was masturbating to lesbian fantasies cause i was straight but eventually my fantasies started to include guys and now i couldn't cum to lesbians i dont think.
Like your story, would have loved it if your teacher noticed and stuffed his fingers in their instead.
Lesbians are hot, don't ever forget it.
Be real man, this isn't one of your neckbeard hentais, it was a realistic amount.
There's a part 2? Damn, you sure have a lot of adventures with your hand.
The most dangerous thing I've done with my dick is ejaculate into a hornet next that fell on the ground.
Hornets chased me until I got inside a building, oh man, were they pissed.
i know I'm just saying when i was younger i was confused that i was cumming for the first time to lesbians when i had crushes on boys. i thought i was bi for awhile. and now i could never get off to lesbian porn. i think when i was young i just couldn't even begin to fathom penises. they were still scary
Well, I must bid farewell, didn't want to post a thread this late, but felt obligated to start a thread the original OP could post in without 404.
Cya later in another life, or some shit like that.
Why would you even...Can you imagine what a hornet bite would do to your dick?
I don't know where I saved part 2. Theres more than that in my life, it's just that that's all I've written down.
When I got older, I figured out I loved this risky stuff. The paper hat event was the tipping point; I kept on doing things even despite the possibility of overcharging my cringe tanks, such as...
>His class (English)
>Snow day, only ~5 kids turned up (school wasn't actually closed, just no-one could make it in)
>Teacher just tidying and shit, making most of free time
>Box of junk from Drama classes in cupboard at the back
>I think you know where this is going
>But everyone refuses to put them on, which disappoints me
>Sorry, on with the story
>Am reading again
>Rest of class is all boys
>Wonder what would happen if all the boys wanted to fuck me right there
>Think about it
>Getting mildly moist
>Hand unconsciously between legs
>three Boys having small boyfight
>look to the side
>one other boy is staring at my legs
>Sees me look
>his pants are tenting
>wristrubbing turns to thumbrubbing
>Imagining the teacher ordering this kid to do things to me
>Look at pants-tent
>A genius plan forms
You know this is going to go badly for me, what with my genius.
>cough to get his attention
>miraculously, this does work, and he looks again
>I cross my legs, revealing more leg
>Hand squished between legs, rubbing
>Think he can't tell
>I swear I See the tent twitch, maybe my imagination
>Get a little embarrassed, look away, plan complete, satisfied
>Boyfight is ignoring me
>Teacher is ignoring me
>Lose myself in fantasy
>Thumb pressure increases, legs start tensing
>Check status of fight and teacher; both uninterested
>Swiftmode engage: uncross legs, finger under underwear, penetrate, rub over top of underwear
>keep an eye on boyfight and teacher, both still ignoring me
>what if the teacher caught me and ordered the boys to punish me
>what if tent-boy had to fuck me, his dick looked huge
>look over at tent-boy
>he's been staring at me
>this whole time
>it never even occurred to me that he would keep looking
>am buried to the second knuckle and breathing heavy enough to notice
>he's just staring, pushing on his dick with his arm
>how could I have been this stupid
He didn't say a word, though. He was fun when I got to know him more.
>Older friends have told me what jacking off is
>Didn't tell me what cumming was
>Thought it was pointless rubbing
>One day I was sitting in bed
>Random adolescent boner
>Just touching it because it feels nice
>Remember what my friends told me
>Decide to try it
>Eventually get this sensation like I am going to pee uncontrollably
>Stop rubbing and let it pass
>Go to the bathroom
>Standing at toilet
>Try it again
>The feeling comes back
>Ready to pee
>Instead a mystery goo shoots out of my dick at light speed
>Hits the bottom of the lid
>I didn't know what happened but I knew I liked it
I guess I have really 'come' a long way
>always had some weird kink where if I get frustrated I get horny or at least my cooch triangles
>Be second grade
>Making arts and crafts project
>I get shitty scissors
>the ones that are so blunt they just fuck up your paper
>My project is taking longer than anyone else's because of my scissors
>Start to get frustrated
>My nibblies start to feel weird
>cross my legs
>Cross legs harder
>still crying and attempting to cut paper
>Teacher comes over
>climax right then
I must have looked so strange to my poor teacher. Sorry Ms. Robertson.
It's not that good, man. Besides, I repost it every couple of months or so.
>Science class, tall chairs (pic related)
>Sit next to Tent-anon, roughly middle of the classroom
>We don't ever discuss what happened but he's alright to talk to and whatever
>think about doing somerthing similar, scared of getting caught (snow days are rare. sucks)
>this day, feeling brave
>today is exam day
>Check teacher isn't watching
>tent-anon looks over
>i take my spare pen from my pencil case
>i open my legs a little (wearing a skirt, by the way)
>I check the teacher. not watching
>i slide the pen up between my legs
>figure it looked like it went inside me
>watch for tenting
>giggle in my head. smile outwardly
>tent-anon turns red, doesn't stop watching
>start rubbing pen against my clit
>mild moistening begins
>all he can see is my hand really, but he doesn't stop watching
>his pants have gone camping
>am enjoying the show
>sigh a little bit
>"ANON I HOPE YOU'RE NOT CHEATING"
>Teacher is glaring daggers at me
>Silently go back to my test
Why do I never stop, though?
>Continuing test, no longer watching tent-anon
>Right hand working on test
>Left hand rubbing spare pen very slowly on clit
>Nothing heavy, just doing test in a state of arousal
>not paying much attention to much of anything
>ten minutes go by
>"TENTANON DO YOU WANT TO BE KEPT BEHIND AFTER CLASS"
>scared shitless, drop my spare pen
>look to my left
>tent-anon is bright red and his dick is, as the phrase goes, diamonds
>heart racing from sudden jumpscare
Sadly, this ends rather anticlimactically. I didn't dare look over for the rest of class, what with her glaring us both down, so I just satisfied myself with mental images of that straining pant-tent.
Failed the test.
My first time "mastud sting" was when I was like 7 I was touching my penis to an episode of Tom and jerry where Tom gets treated like a baby by three alley cats and gets a goldfish put in his diaper. I don't know why but I was so rock hard
Your cringey stories paint the picture of a very awkward fat chick. Are you, in fact, a very awkward fat chick? Well, I feel like the first half of the question has already been answered.
>have to pee super bad
>family about to leave for church
>mom dressed me up in some frilly dress
>hard to pee in dresses at 6
>instead of going to the bathroom, i get the urge to get on my bed and clench my legs together to relieve the pressure of having to pee so bad
>weird feeling down there when i clench my legs together on the bed
>stay in weird tensed up clenching form on my bed for a few mins
>run to living room
>"mom! i just clenched my legs together and something really weird happened and it felt really good down here"
Guess what my mom told me next and that I believed for the next 10 years of my life?
>"oh anon, don't do that sweetie or you won't be able to have babies."
what the fuck
>with best friend at his house in his room
>his older(15) friend gave him hustlers
>jack off together in same room
>after seeing ads for penis pumps we decide to see if a bike pump will work (*shudder*)
>friend convinces me to go first, says I have to use the needle in my peehole
>A few weeks later
>Still not said a word to tent-anon about anything
>"Okay, pair up everyone, boys with girls"
>meander over to tent-anon as his classbuddies stroll off
>sit next to him
>"okay class, today we're discussing gender inequality blah blah blah blah, debate for fifteen minuts then discuss with the class"
>he comments how pointless crap like this is
>we spend a good five minutes just talking about the pointlessness of the lesson
>descends into silence as we don't know how to discuss this crap
>I look around
>No-one watching (table near the back, everyone has their back to us)
>Without a word, take tent-anon's hand and put it on my leg
>it sits there, immobile
>I start moving his hand to stroke my leg, then take my hand away. and again, until he finally gets it and starts stroking my leg for me
>Hand on my chin, arm on table, kinda looking around at class, not watching him or anything
>Look at him
>what the hell am I doing
>close my legs
>he takes his hand away
>Feel kinda mean, but too chickenshit to keep that up. Don't know what I was thinking.
This story does not end here, but this time, I'm not the one who keeps going stupidly. Hooray!
>We start talking about the subject
>Talking about how women soldiers probably aren't taken seriously (we don't know, making shit up)
>Start taking some notes
>Brief silence as we both write things
>He finishes first
>he puts his hand back on my leg
>I don't do anything, just keep writing
>he keeps stroking as we resume debate, make notes, etc
>starts stroking up my leg
>open legs a bit
>doesn't take long, he gets to my underwear
>rubbing over underwear
>pretending to write notes
>he's stroking kinda awkwardly but the whole situation turns me on like crazy
>every few seconds, tensing up and closing my legs on his hand, then opening them a little
>can feel moistness and heat
>embarrassed because surely his fingers are getting wet
>he doesn't stop rubbing
>I try to talk about the class
>he mumbles something vague back
>I daren't look at him
>blushing, flustered, tense
>horny as all fuck
>head resting on my fist, eyes closed, trying not to show anything...
>"anon? have you discussed everything you know about gender inequality?"
>open eyes, teacher is looking at me
>"u-um, yeah, we can't think of anything else"
>tent-anon's hand is up my skirt, hidden behind table, not moving
>"then would you care to share with the class?"
>"uh....i guess...we didn't really think of much..."
>Start telling class stuff we came up with about women not being taken seriously
>10 seconds in, I pause
>tent-anon's hand has resumed moving
>brief stroke through my underwear, then stopped
>I try to keep going, talking about soldiers
>every few seconds, his hand moves against my underwear
>near-literal wet patch, massive heat between my legs.
>his hand movements aren't much but the situation is driving me to distraction
>nervous, stuttering, trying to concentrate on telling class about soldiers
>"....and ummmm, uh, that's...uh...all we could think of."
>All of those pauses were just opportunities for me to breathe deeper and pray no-one noticed
>"alright, that's a good start, but you'll need more than that, so keep working."
>Bite lip, nod, cough, look down at book and mumble something incoherent to tent-boy
I literally went "mmmmmmmmmmmmm." My mind just dissolved.
>He keeps stroking
>I keep gazing at the tent
>I calm down from the rush of trying to stay calm while talking to the teacher
>I close my legs and take his hand away
>we have to do big group work shortly after that and get split apart anyway
Crappy ending. Sorry to disappoint. Well, my underwear was wet enough to be uncomfortable for the rest of the day (it was last lesson, so that basically means: the walk home). squishy squishy...
>be 10 (or 9, can't remember)
>making video of a stupid game ive been playing
>you know, windows movie maker n shit
>get an idea and decide to browse google images for a certain (sfw) image to add to my vid (safe search on by default, obvs, as i didn't know what it did or how to change it)
>scroll, scroll, scroll
>particular image stands out
>see a very "softcore" image of two people naked "hugging"
>suddenly realize my hand's on my donger
>my door is slightly open but i dont care
>continue rubbing, feels good man
>notice it's getting slightly wet but again i dont care
>strange feeling surges through me, feels fucking great
>mfw i came to a google image thumbnail
>still have no idea what happened, figured it was normal
>thus begins early addiction to porn
>fapped from ages 9 to 20 living with my parents
>haven't gotten caught and my parents haven't had a single suspicion
did i won at childhood?
ps if you read my entire story i feel bad for you son
>Playing Mortal Kombat on PC.
>See Sonya moving sexy.
>Go on Google and search "Mortal Kombat naked"
>Find a bunch of dicks and regret it.
>After 10 mins search for "Sonya naked".
>Watch the screen like an idiot for a while.
>Boner gets harder and try to push it down.
>Take my pants off and push it more while rubbing it.
>Cum all over the place.
>Run to my parents crying thinking that I broke my penis and white blood comes out.
My parents still make fun of me because of that...
>Really religious at that age so thought masturbating would get me sent straight to hell
>Find porn DVD in my room, my brother's probably
>Parents are gone one day, home alone
>The temptation is too strong, put DVD in t.v.
>Strip completely naked, go to the bathroom and grab a bottle of shaving cream, know mom hates messes and my parents would know if there was shaving cream all over the carpet, lay a rag down
>Position myself just right, rag under my spread legs as I empty the shaving cream into my palm
>Just rub it right in and go at it, best experience of my life
At least it was somewhat interesting.
I didn't even fap normally until I was 16.
>lying on stomach in bed doing 10 year old shit
>dick gets itchy
>scratch it but leaves my hand there
>like the pressure on my dick
>sort of hump hand until I feel this release, don't even think something came out
>begin to associate this with being horny later but could never do it to anything overtly sexual
>spent the next 6 years humping things to the thought of girls in revealing clothing
>over time get more and more desensitized to the idea of porn
>decide to fap normally one day while boner was rampant
>spent 2 hours fapping to the edge of release but couldn't get anything out
>give up and wait a few days
>try again, dick erupts in fountain of cum
>never humped again
I was really young, like 5-7? Would grind on top of a horizontal shampoo bottle in the bath, so smooth. I would also grind on my stuffed animals and pretend to be their sex slave (I don't know where I got that from).
Anyways, turned out to be ultra prude. But I think I'm a freak on the inside.
Due to me having older friends they introduced me to porn before I really knew what I was doing, but I copied what the girl in the video was doing to the guy's thing and bam.
It's very anti-climatic, or very climatic, but not worth greentexting.
Grade school, don't remember when
I used to lay on my stomach cup my flaccid dick and balls and grind them into my pelvis until I felt that sweet, sweet release.
I used to get pissed off if my baby dick got hard. I would lay there frustrated until it went flaccid again so I could continue my brutal grinding.
Thinking about those beautiful grade school teacher boobies
>realized that grinding on things felt good
>mostly do everyday
>felt guilty, but felt a lot what I assumed were orgasms
>would grind to "forbidden things" like swear words, hearing my parents fuck
>my vagina was always dry
>would hurt self by chafing
>parents catch me grinding against chair
>dafuq are you doing?
>would grind at school
I was a messed up little girl. Everything turned me on, and now the only thing I can actually masturbate to is like hentai.
Also, I had to apply a special cream when I was like 12 to my pussy because it wasn't opened up, and I think it was me mushing my bits when I was little.
>find one of my mother's magazines about pleasing your man
>somewhere it mentions the word sex
>I had heard this word before and am now intrigued
>moderately capable of using computers/the internet(this is 1997 and my parents happened to be into technology)
>start going to stuff like www.sex.com etc
>don't understand, think they're shoving poop in and out of their butts(they were using dildos)
>little ass penis gets hard, don't understand, but like it
>eventually figure out touching my penis feels god damn great
>looked up sex on the internet every chance i got, learned new words, fapped more, hyper-sensitive heaven
>almost get caught tons of times and become a lying little ninja shit
>it was my brother that's never here mom
>masturbate with my father sleeping on the couch right next to me once
>fap by rubbing vigorously through my underwear for years, never ejaculating the whole time, just my penis convulsing hard as shit
>finally ejaculate at age 12, a single drop
>hell yeah son
>start actually fapping with strokes at like 14-15
>slowly lose sensitivity
>can't get off to spraying the tip in the shower anymore(this was the best shit)
>Still fap all the time
I miss those days.
Ah! Also, I learned how to masturbate in public. I would squeeze my legs together, and lo and behold! An orgasm burst forth. Penetration doesn't really get me there now. Just clitoral simulation.
Cmon Johnny, you're breaking my balls here.
don't give 4chan personal info, even the first letter of your name
you never know, they could track you down then masked men will break down your door and have their way with you
>be me a little fifth grade fuck
>come from small hick town so we're some messed up shits
>friends like to joke about pron
>i watched porn just for fun
>decide to start rubbing one out
>dont actually cum the first few times but feelsgood.jpeg
>decide to just keep going one time
>i thought that shouldn't happen and was like wtf did i just do
>who cares feels good
>been jerkin the gherkin almost every day since
>home alone on a hot summer afternoon
>bored, flip through mom's magazine
>saw a lingerie ad
>horny, popped a boner
>started humping the bed
>eventually took penis out, idk why but i start humping the mag too
>felt like something is coming, felt like about to pee
> ran to bathroom with dick in hand, but too late
>came on hand and floor
freaked out about it for a bit. cleaned up
repeated the next day, this time, cummed on mag
>stay up for HBO softcore program like usual
>lay on the couch
>Bikini Airways is on
>Flight attendants being fucked on the plane
>start rubbing my penis
>try something new, rub tip of penis
>wtf feels really good
>suddenly ballsack starts to hurt really bad, like tearing up bad
>become flaccid and go check myself in bathroom
>pray to god that I would not sin ever again by watching naked ladies on TV
>open my peehole and see some clear, slimy stuff come out
>holy shit it's sperm!
Don't know why it hurt, but I've been fine since then
>Home alone watching TV.
>Shitty Jenny Jones "My Daughter has large breasts and dresses like a slut" episodes on.
>Start humping a pillow while watching.
>Think I broke something at first but then realize that this is it.
>Jerk it almost every day ever since.
sure i'll do it
>be me 11
>Love watching dragonball z and i love bulma
>one day an episode comes on about krilins girlfriend who is just a whore version of bulma
>feel tingle in my penis
>ok i just gotta go pee
>it's really hard i don't know why
>i get the idea to pet it and maybe it would calm down
>no infact it makes it harder
>start using two fingers one on top one on the bottom and going up and down
>10 minutes later SHISH BEWM
>clear liquid shoots out everywhere
>My boyhood mind has no idea what's going on
>Tfw dbz when i started watching it was 2003 it was 2004 when this aired
>Tfw that was 10 years ago
I had masturbated quite a bit before, but never reached orgasm or ejaculated. But eventually I got to the point where I would clan but not orgasm. My first organ was from a body pillow while watching South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut. I was probably 9.
Then after months, maybe years of masturbation I finally ejaculated. I was proud.
I've never told this story before.
>Be playing WoW alone for the 23rd hour that day
>Guild has all gone to sleep
>Look at fellow Pandaren mage dancing with base bra and panties
>The ass was fat
>Whip out dick
>Remember that it is only 2 more years until I become an of age wizard and can finally show the world and all its bullies the strength of magic and will that only a wizard can
>Replace dick back inside discolored boxes and retie the drawstrings on my purple wizard robe - dat color of the most distinguished and famous wizards.
>Only 2 more years.
>It will all be worth it.
>Dry my tears of loneliness using my prestigeous neckbeard that shows off my committal to the code of the few true wizards of wizardchan
>Fall asleep and dream of my wizard corronation and of sweet sweet Hermione.
>1.999999 years left.
>Happy birthday to me, the most powerful upcoming real life wizard.
>Smile and dream
First time I masturbated was when I was in first grade. It was one of those days when the teacher was being a lazy fuck and let you bring a blanket and pillow and lay on the floor of the classroom and read and nap all day. I got bored with reading and started playing with myself under the blanket. (I was laying in the dark under the desk) I was just touching my chest and legs at that point, but then I started feeling wet so I put my fingers inside me to figure out what the hell was going on. It felt good, so I kept doing it. Eventually my legs started shaking and I got this awesome feeling and I stopped because I got freaked out. I went home later that day and did it nonstop until dinner. I got so addicted.
>Some time later
>gotten to know tentanon, become friends
>steadfast refusal to mention the sexy things, I guess neither of us knows how to bring it up
>Tentanon's birthday coming up
>Decide to give him a "present" and have some fun at the same time
>I know tentanon gets to school 40 minutes early and sits in the corridor outside first class
>Come up with a very simple plan
>Go to school super-early
>Go into bathrooms
>Take off underwear, put it in my bag, roll up skirt to make it shorter
>Find tentanon in the expected location
>Sit down with him and start chatting
It was at this point that I realised that I did not, in fact, have a plan. Somehow I thought something fun would happen all by itself. I knew others would start arriving if I didn't do anything soon, though, so I tried to figure out how to "tell" him without saying anything...
>Dither about a bit
>Try standing up and stretching near the glass wall at the end of the corridor, doesn't really work out
>a few other things, nothing really achieves anything
>well this was a massive waste of time
>Open bag to take some homework out
>"hey tentanon can you help me with this"
>"it's that maths homework"
>"Oh, uh, yeah"
>He's acting strange
>Then I realise I left my bag open and he can probably see what I left inside it
>Well, the secret's out?
>Still seems anticlimactic
>Nothing more happens
>We do the homework, I close the bag, people come, classes start
>Tentanon makes a beeline to sit next to me instead of his normal group
>Within the first five minutes, tentanon puts his hand on my leg
>he's never been quite so forward before
Are you the man that has devoted his life to showing how much jizz one man can make in a lifetime? That keeps it all in this rotting filthy tupperware that we can't help but be scientifically intrigued by as he timestamps his jizz pot with a ruler and dimensions of its width and length and allows us to multiply the depth covering the ruler by the other dimensions to see what volume of jizz he's up to?
That man is horrifying and constantly being the OP that gives us progress updates on that same ancient jizzpot that continues to fester.
Is this his and your origin story?
He is interesting and disgusting, a truly noble member of our community here.
If so: post pot with timestamp, ruler, and jizz pot dimensions so that we might see what volume you have recorded for the sciences so far.
Thank god moot hasn't installed smellovision
>He isn't going anywhere
>Maybe I'm just impatient
>Teacher is talking for first fifteen minutes of class
>In that time tentanon is under my skirt but hasn't made it any further
>I don't mind, am enjoying the touches
>Beginning to moisten
>Think nothing of it
>We're shown a video (this is geography class, something about beaches, I don't remember what)
>Stroking approaches the goal
>I'm beginning to warm up and don't realise the oncoming problem
>the lightest of touches against my pussy
>doesn't affect me, but tentanon's hand suddenly drifts away from my leg
>fully tented, over course
>sight is pleasant
>squeeze his hand between my legs
>let go, his hand stays but just stroking the very top of my legs
>Wetness increases, he's hitting a sweet spot
>then I realise
>where's the wetness going to go?
And suddenly, I'm in a situation with no communication, no control, and an oncoming wet patch somewhere. Why does this situation turn me on?
I will keep that memory forever femanon.
Let your unending embarrassment be lessened by the knowledge that some neckbearded manchild keeps your memory locked within his memory's fapvault. Your embarrassment is my penis' power.
But seriously that is hilarious, I use my wizardry to pardon your childish ignorance and the resulting embarrasement.
I brings to mind my first answer in a truth or dare circle: Yes by Junior year of highschool.
Would have been no by prom night, so fuck you Keri / circle of female friends that were friends of my actual friends trying to bait me into an embarrasment trainwreck successfully.
Muh girl was in that circle. So maybe that was part of why she ended up asking me to ask her out. Embarassment gets you empathy from the few other out there that are good people yet slightly more in the know about why you should have been embarassed.
Now I go around telling young bullies to fuck off with intelligent and scathing insults that there undeveloped minds that can barely fathom why some older guy would even be allowed to insult them. Because now I'm in the know.
And also know them feels of childlike cluelessness and awkwardness.
I am the night.
I am the Faggot.
Holy shit my dick is diamonds
I've never fapped to just text before but hot damn this is good shit
Actually haven't played since WotLK
Shadow Strikers - that old ass world my friend got me on
Was a good game.
Too bad that instead of playing it like the rest of the guild I would truthfully play 10 hours a day doing dailies because I was naturally bad (unlike my friend maker that brought me in who was gods gifts to all games and wow was his most practiced and therefore game of unparalelled rape in pvp or pve), so I would spend unhealthy amounts of solo time trying to get better gear outside of instances or pvp (via the play 20x as long alone vs. with people you are embarassed to play badly alongside) trying to catch up and equal their numbers.
So had to quit at WotLK like 5 years ago to resume having an actual life. Addictive personality for the lose. I really liked that game and guildmates.
>feel this itch between my legs after watching titanic
>go to my bed
>put the covers over me
>put my hand inside my disney panties
>gentle scratching, feeling
>I remember I didnt get wet at all
>It was a bit painful but also pleasurable
>grab some crayons and go to the bathroom
>how many can I fit?
>about 2 :p
>next day got my period for the first time
>afraid to tell my mom because I thought I kept bleeding from playing with my pussy the day before
>Everyone watching the video
>Some guys doing something annoying in a corner
>Some girls chatting in another corner
>Teacher getting annoyed
>I barely notice; tentanon's hand is squeezing my leg deliciously and I can't stop it
>I can feel a drip dripping
>Panic about it getting on my skirt
>Apply no thought at all
>Lift up the back of my skirt so it doesn't get wet
>Tentanon takes this as a signal
>His hand gets to my pussy (properly touching it this time, not a feather touch)
>Rubs it, not particularly hard
>Doesn't know what he's doing
>Wetness gets smeared all over everything he's touching, and on his fingers
>His hand stops moving, just sits there pushing against my pussy
>I look at him
>He looks at me
>I should tell him to stop, but having no control is too delicious
>Instead, I look down at his tent
>I enjoy this sight immensely
>Can feel wetness on my butt
>I'm sat on this wet patch
>How wet must his fingers be...
I thought I'd solved my problem by lifting my skirt; no wet patch, no evidence. Right? Right?
Oh jesus christ by correcting it you have only made my dick more confused.
>frequent internet user
>knows about sex but not that females can masturbate too
>find out and stick a finger up there but doesn't move it
>not what i was expecting
>google search "penis" to find some of that elusive internet porn
>breaks hymen freaks out and tells my mom i had my first period
>don't get period until age 13
im still kinda confused by mine eaither i got molested in the tub and blocked it out or i humped the edge of my bath tub.
i just remember rubbing my dick on the part you step over to get in. not really sure how id figure that out on my own lol
>text kgb number that i always see on tv "free porn websites???"
>literally watching porn at all hours
>discover women's masturbation site
>don't climax until age 13 because I discovered my clitoris
Or could be female version of me as fuck.
Lanky ass "fit" looking dude that ate everything cluelessly, talked to all people equally and cluelessly (what is a grill, sure I'll help you with math why are you using a weird voice -- I don't mind helping you in particular a 20th time), and got all A+s cluelessly without ever studying or expending any personal effort.
EZ life is EZ. If you're actually truly a clueless child and manchild until the day you die, you can still like any other "guy that knows everything and therefore looks fit and normal" despite being a clueless doof when anyone talks to you. Any time I answered a peer's question (when they were like at their wits end and felt it necessary to go ask that weird guy that some friend of a friend of a friend of mine told them was a weird but wise guy) they always said I was brilliant.
So fuck trying to learn anything about other people. I played vidya all day everyday and got good grades and the admiration (even if they too thought I was weird and awkward usually) by being able to help them with their (usually academic but sometimes life issues) problems by just giving them a weird-ass-new-way-of-looking at things.
But from outside appearance I was not as goofy looking as I was inside.
Didn't know what a sex was until I don't know 16? Lost virginity to high school friend and very later gf as a virgin Senior - the girl that had to ask me to ask her out.
Same could apply to MaskChan friend here.
>Video still droning on
>Good, this means the lights are off
>I can barely concentrate, randomly finger-squishing on my pussy is too distracting
>Can't say anything, can't stop him...
>Look down at my paper, pretending to take notes
>start tensing up
>Can feel serious wetness on my butt now
>Have no control over not just the situation, but my body either, which in turn makes me even more turned on
>His rubbing is amateurish but it's getting the job done, have gone from horny to in heat
>Am trying hard to stay breathing normally
>squeezing my legs shut on his hand every few seconds
>Wondering how to stop, worried about video ending and it somehow being obvious to everyone
>his fingers find my clit, no idea if accidental or on purpose
>two or three rubs
>More and more and more wetness
>I'm pretty much about to cum
>Look around without moving
>no-one sat on my right, tentanon on my left, no-one behind, no-one will see
>Put hand on forehead, close eyes, tense up...
>Cum, right there, in a geography lesson
>Squeeze his hand in between my legs
>Get wetness all over my legs below my butt
>messy, uncontrollable, crazy sexy fun.
And frankly, guys, I enjoyed reliving this memory. Been a long time since I thought about it.
And by the way, it doesn't end here. More things happened that day. But...That's for another time, becuase I have to go take a shower.
I'll be hanging around a little, but no more stories. Hope you all enjoyed, anon.
Fuck it I need to deal with this so I'ma shower, back in a bit. Your clue is "Oracle".
I'm not saying I'm so excellent you should all know my name, it's just that you all kept making such a game out of it...
No that was someone else trying to figure it out. I've mostly just been randomly browsing /b/ out of boredom, but I have to say thanks to you I'm not bored anymore. It was the coolest story I've read here in a while, so thanks for that!
The coolest little girl I know, a big friend of my 10 year younger little sister, has a fedora.
But it is the antithesis to the Fedora Tipping Club fedora.
She is Irish.
She has a mother that had her at 12.
She is the coolest motherfucker that ever lived because fucking have a fucked of life -- make fun of your unfair unchangeable problems in life and move the fuck on, even if you're now 12, you learn from bullshit bullshit and become better for it.
People make fun of her being a ghost-skinned sunburn prone ginger.
She fights that by wearing a Guiness beer brand fedora with lucky clovers on it.
Retorts Irish insults (I know >2014, but it does happen to her) with shit like "BUT YOU'LL NEVER ACTUALLY GET ME LUCKY CHARMS NOR BE MAGICALLY DELICIOUS!"
Is fap thread. Would not fap to 12 year old coolest friend. But would root for her to be Irish-Murrican president or astronaut or something some day. Loan her all my old video games that she wants to play that are 10 years old their her family couldn't afford but that she has the 10 year old game console to play.
She says I remind her of another neckbearded LARPER uncle. Shrug it off and say Fuck Yeah, thanks for the compliment.
Wish she was family and that it wasn't weird if I played vidya with her every time my little sister invites her over.
Everyday my sister spends all day on skype with her. Act like I'm talking just to my sister but talk to her on accident when I notice she's on skype.
10/10 grill with fedora
At any rate when I took her to the movies she lost her fedora.
I went to the movie theatre lost and found (something I normally hate doing: bugging people to do their job and ask if they have my (or "my" friends things)) her fedora. Returned it the next time she slept over.
Would fap to my heroic memories involving that fedora.
>10 yrs old
>just got back from trip to florida
>while there friend told me about masturbation
>I remember masturbation while Im in the bathtub in my grandparents house
>first orgasm WOW
>keep trying to jack off
>never get second orgasm
>mom asked why I took so long for my bath
>say I was just relaxin
No more writing. I can hang around for a few minutes if anyone had questions or something, that's it.
Glad you enjoyed it.
Who knows? I certainly don't.
That is to say I took her, my sister, and 2 others to the movie that otherwise would have been Super Chaperoned by my worrywort mother.
I was in the area and figured I could do such a role in a less invasive way, on their first group trip without parents to the movies and mall.
I intended to sit in a corner and tell the parents I did the job but the 4 tweenagers took me in as one of their own because I'm a hilarious aloof manchild to this day and they couldn't relize the age gap.
>They have recognized me as one of their own, I will commence the spy operation Chaper1, the secret spying and supervising plan we spies made up.
>ejaculate into a hornet
I seriously thought that was the scenario for moment
10/10 story says this guy. Thanks for those cringeworthy sexy times.
Would find incredibly relatable and well written again.
Even as an easy-life-mode-boring whit male template.
(Despite people always asking what island I came from. Don't I look islander as fuck? Am 25% czech and 75% English / English-American cowgirl family line. I only look like my also turns tan instead of white on the first day of Summer father. And his 2 brothers are white as fuck. So is my brother. What gives? At least I look as interesting and lanky as my annoying hyperactive personality is.)
You sound like the grown up version of the coolest-kid-I-ever-met little sisters' friend with fedora.
Hopefully she will grow up like you. Is also short and skinny.
But is Ginger-as-all-hell.
(My favorite type of physical girl but I would rather have a Vidya James than a hottie personally).
You have met all of my imaginations' impressions of your personality and person.
Would love to travel back in time and be Tentabro.
Instead I'll just go to sleep a drunk neckbeard and dream of days when I stop being an annoying spazzy mc spazotron and people will actually listen to me long enough to get my, I believe, brilliant point across.
People sure really were inspired by my Silent-type sentence a day as a kid. Maybe I should learn to be slightly more like that again. Oh well.
You're on /b/. You just gotta learn to accept that the anon who gave you a smoking hot story may in fact be an obese 40 year old man. Doesn't change the fact it was a good story.
10/10 would fap to again btw, regardless of how true it actually is.
> I used to enjoy annoying my mom when she was in my bedroom by jokingly humping my pillow.
> I knew I was doing something related to sex but I had never known what it meant to cum before.
> one night after mom left I didn't stop rubbing myself in the pillow.
>I kept going until I thought I had peed.
and that was the start of a lifelong habit.
I wish my cum had the same feeling back then though, I dont know why but I swear the texture and smell of my cum when i first started doing it was very different than it is from now.
>Be about 8
>sitting on the couch with my pikachu plushie
>Watching some cartoon or something
>Home alone, it's about 9pm
.>sit on my plushie, grinding on it
>feels really good, take my panties off and continue grinding on it
>notice my pikachu is getting dirty, panic a little
>Go upstairs, take a plushie from my brother
>Grind on that plushie
>10 minutes of grinding in, his plushie is all wet and filthy
>put it back on his bed
>brush teeth and go to sleep
>wake up to my brother yelling and crying
>try to contain my laughter as my mom gets mad at him
Shortly after I bescovered putting the showerhead on it and my friends told me about touching yourself.
>Says she can't post pics.
>Is enough of a /b/lord to relize that by doing so you get your life ruined by that one actually evil /b/ guy that reverse-image-searches your pic to maximum effect.
I have all the proof to believe. And also the belief that I want to believe. ^Works of fiction on /b/ blahblah argument.
Have an example of a real story posted because she inspired some other /b/tard to post it with picture proof. Would timestamp it if I wasn't 2drunk but check me out, believe me, and then bridge the leap of faith and beleive her. The faptime demands you to believe it with all of your Heart of the Cards.>>572094732
HUZZAH! TINME 2 PASS OUT!
COOLMODE THOUGH CUZ CAAAAPSLOCK!
p.s. fuck u capcha. Why do you get more difficult the longer I was drinking.
It's almost like its my fault I can no longer type them.
It's Cassandra. Blame my father for that. Hope it was worth the wait!
Yeah, basically; if I can't be certain that it's 100% safe for me to do it, I won't do it. So, no pictures, and since I'm giving you my name, no accurate age. I don't know the ins and outs of what is and isn't safe, so if I don't know, I don't do.
Besides, I'm just here to entertain some guys with stories of my life. If you guys like hearing about me - I'll probably keep writing. In two-month intervals or so.
>sleepover at best friend's house
>"hey anon, you ever see a playboy?"
>see a playboy
>one firecrotch sticks out in my mind
>3 hours later
>going to sleep
>chatting, trying to doze off
>decide to try this "master bating" thing i'd heard about the previous year
>rub base of bone, feelsgood
>"anon, what would you do if ur house was on fire?"
>maintain conversation while getting hard as a diamond
>think i figured out how to do it
>stealth as dicks
>pinch foreskin with thumb and first index finger joint
>smash it into the tip
>15 minutes later friend is falling asleep while i juggle retard convo, thoughts of firecrotch and dick abuse
>foreskin is a ballon
i kept doing that for weeks until i figured out i could move my foreskin for profit. it was all downhill from there.
p.s. is not an elaborate work of samefagging by dat cool poster to create the illusion that she isn't lying or something sinister like that.
I hate liers. I'm just some drunk maniac, feel free to ignore my ramblings, but know that they be troof. I swear on the Guardians of the Galaxy.
Was that a fucking awesome movie or what?
Good night everybody!
I'm just saying that the detective work on that one (possibly fabricated) pic where we outted a pedophile just for the fuck of it (when he thought he was safe posting in image here) SHOCKED me.
You never know if you don't know an internet "hacker" trade secret.
Like I wouldn't have known that posting a facebook pic but not changing those random numbers was a "hackable" offense.
I know about iphone pic giving all of the info about your location, "name of iphone", etc. But other things like "Is that a reflection of a Lion mascot that looks like the lion from the university of this town? /b/ minions, lets find and out this man based on that tiny detail!" are downright terrifying.
>Cue the paranoid what about in that one CSI where they zoomed in on a screw that reflected a window reflection of the bad guy's license plate and found him.
I know no "hacker" is a magic hacker. But they can be Sherlocks.
Follow the kids' channels advice: never post pics if you have also posted name, or they will be at your doorstep (if with nothing else than 7 pizzas or something).
God fucking dammit.
I wanted to sleep with happy thoughts.
Now I have to sleep knowing that not only has there always been a creepy skeleton inside me.
But I am Mr. Skeltal.
Fuck my life, fuk u world, I'ma pass out.
>looking at pictures of breast enhancement on ebay
>there's this one particular picture of a blonde girl in a black bikini that I love looking at
>the photo is looking up towards her showing a glorious amount of underboob
>a thought pops into my mind
>what if I had my hand like a vagina
>make my fingers into a hole and start fucking my hand
>feels so good
>do other people know about this?
>all of the sudden I orgasm
>freak out and think one of my balls exploded
>just sit there in near tears
>promise God that I'll never do it again if I'm okay
>I did it again 2 days later
Just bump the thread for 5 hours and you'll get your answer!
>Masknon has left the thread for life reasons
>Would have said OP left because I forgot whatever the fuck OP wanted, this became mask thread.
That's about the best description of masturbation in this day and age I've ever heard.
>Woah that felt...
>Wait: Shame. I should feel only shame.
>But what if just one more time I......
>Lifelong fapping becomes a part of life.
Newest theory on teaching children about sex and sex safety: Don't.
That would require some thought to find a good way to bring to them a topic all of society has kept a secret, definitely shouldn't have to do that as parents.
Definitely better ignore it, too, as parents and let school do it.
When does school do it?
That's kind of... Good Enough!
No need to be a parent and talk about antiquated bees and flowers' analogies. Lets let the children figure out yet one more thing on their own. Like about Santa / Easter Bunny / Death / Sex / and their meaninglessness in the grand scheme of things.
Small children don't need help with those complex things. At least not enough for us loving parents to bother doing so.
I damn well should.
As much as I need sleep and am so drunk and further drunking myself, to the point that I may just walk off on a forgettable rampage that leaves my room demolished the next day (as just happened earlier this week), I think a slim chance at mask chan returning would be wurf.
Comtemplating where thread button is amidst all these spinning things in front of me is. Sure is easier to be an internetter when everything isn't spinning.
Better take another sip of rum to steel my spirit.
>have boyfriend for a couple of weeks
>decide to prepare for inevitable sexy times
>one night in bed i slide my hand down my pants
>i feel dirty
>was probably thinking about plain vanilla missionary back then
>too scared to touch actual vagina but i am on the mound and close
>fingers creep closer to clit
>too scared to touch it
>stretching the skin above my clit on the mound pulls the skin on my clit tight and nudges it a little
>so sensitive because of first time i orgasm just from this
>orgasm felt like i was about to pee to me
>lying there sweaty and hot and feeling like a sinful dirty little whorebag
mfw i went on to taking it up the ass before i even lost my vs
I could be like that guy that set a record for fapping the most times and got into a newspaper article after being found passed the fuck out from his fapathon.
Only I'm so drunk that it's not a fapathon.
Just a bumping rambleathon
didnt know that you could feel pleasure from wanking before i was 10 or something, a friend of mine slept over in a tent we had, and started wanking and told me it feels good, kinda just tried it and laughed but then i got home and really tried it and and i was hooked. Now im thinking about it i have masturbated constantly since i was 12 at least. i remember i had a girl on msn messenger, we had talked for 1-2 years and i just shoved her my cock and holy shit it felt good, since that day ive been a disgusting wanker.
This thread had me wet in 0.1 seconds.
>be me, 13
>reading older sisters cosmo magazine
>see thing about masturbation
>get a little horny and curious, attempt to insert a finger
>finally find it, start going in and out
>not very enjoyable
>try a few more times, not very fun
>fast foward 2 years
>some guys in high school teasing and saying shit, mention clitoris
>was a tumblr fag, came across some smut
>so moist and horny
>sit on floor, legs spread and start rubbing
>breathing heavily, moaning a bit
>got really scared but kept going
>read up to the climax on my phone (water flow was against the opposite walls and minimal)
>drop phone outside shower, start writhing and moving and feeling so dirty and horny
>let out a little scream as I can't take it anymore
>do it more often, usually to smut
>now fap to the weirdest shit ever since discovering /b/
>be like seven or whatever
>late night at home
>sleep on the bottom bunk with brother on top
>he says he wants to show me something
>intrigued I listen
>he and i climb under the bed and lay there
>its dark, lights off probably after 10 pm
>he tells me to pull off my pants
>he tells me to cup my penis
>being like 8 I hold it with my palm covering the head and my fingers going down the shaft to the base
>he tells me to move up and down it, guiding my hand as he jerks himself off
>I don't cum but Im sure he does because he's moaning
>I'm confused but I wanna make my cool brother feel good so I start touching his penis
>he moans louder and guides me as I jerk him off
>he finishes and tell me never to tell mom or dad
>I go to bed very proud of myself for doing grown-up things
>my brother probably hopes I forget but we both know what happened and it's actually pretty awkward with him when I think about it
>have 20 y/o boyfriend
>he fingers me, I don't feel anything
>"Show me what you do?"
>I had never even masturbated
>Give him head, make him come, go home
>Look up how to masturbate on google. Decide to use an electric toothbrush
>came in about 5 seconds, squirted all over my couch.
>Can never see Woody with quite the same childlike optimism that I did as a child now that I have seen creepy-face-Woody-toys used by /b/ to demonstrate the creepiest ever use of size-correct-hand-held dildos while staring at correctly sized anime babe toys.
>She replied to some pedo guy asking how this girl of a slightly younger-than-typical sexual realization looked right now.
>You think she replied to her own deleted post.
>Oh wait you were acting retarded all along
>I have fallen into a trollhole woe is me.
>Or you were just wrong.
Femanon here. The first time I ever tried to rub one out was when I was just a lil' thing and I started playing GTASA. Found out you could get hookers and, well, yeah. Did it with a PS2 controller. Did that for about a year without climax, which is surprising, seeing how the controller vibrates. But yeah. First time it ever happened was some time in 5th grade? Maybe 6th grade when I was over at the neighbors. Their son was my age. Saw his dick. My first dick. It was amazing. He masturbated in front of me a few times until I couldn't take it anymore. I went straight into his bathroom, locked the door, threw one leg over the bathtub leg, and went to town. They had one of those old school tubs that was rounded out. After I did that for about 30 seconds, it was also the first time I tasted it. Was pretty good, 8.5/10, not as good as fruit roll-ups. When I came out he was playing some WWF game and I shoved my fingers near his face. Gave me a wtf face, pitched a tent, but we continued gamin'.
>never touched penis before
>no idea what masturbating was
>randomly decided to stick objects into my penis
>total sounding fetish now, but whatever
>back to me at 10
>decided best way to approach situation was to tape a plastic chopstick onto the center of a small desk fan
>slid penis onto chopstick
>turned on fan
>blood and cum everywhere in like 10 seconds
Only 3 more and we can have Mask Chan back!
- Some drunk guy that can't keep his shit to 1 post at a time and is unintentionally samefagging it up and causing it to be bumped because he isn't op who can't bump a thread but may as well be op because op has left us.
But I have like 30 more textwalls in me before I pass out from the drunk.
Oh based god that extended the duration of The Fappening's original post beyond its normal boundaries please lend us your power!
>inb4 he was fired and replaced by an SJW mod doing it for free.
She confirmed it to be Cassandra.
I do not into name etemolygiee
Cassandra must have been some kind of Cassiopa snake prophet or something. I don't make up the names. I just argue stupid arguments until someone calls me a fayget.
>be 7 or 8 years old
>playing spongebob squarepants and the revenge of the flying dutchman on ps2
>just got the reef blower
>accidentally rest on dick
>orgasm out of knowhere, no idea what happened
>don't even have semen at this point, can do whenever and not worry about clean up
G'night sweet thread
Sorry I have failed you in bumping it for 4 hours Mask Chan.
Cannot be done. The 404s are all around me. I have been overwhelm. This was sparta, but no more.
GG Sweet Tread
No u fayget.
Also fuck guy, trim that unibrow and fringe hairs on an otherwhys perfect neckbeard.
Oh good advice other guy. I have all ready done it. That picture was old.
Good thing I have bumped this thread singlehandedly as a drunken fool.
Surely it doesn't now reek of booze and samefaggotry.
Its still the same thread about first fap or something right other guise? right?
Right drunk guy, write, you can sl33p now.
My best friend's little brother just died so I decided to drink myself to sleep.
And then I accidentally this thread.
And now 4 hours of heavy drinking I am not asleep.
Please someone please explain.
Who spiked my booze with cocaine and why?
CAPTAIN MORGAN PICARD WAS IT YOU?
Did you make me not let me pass out and forget that little fucking cool kid is kill on motorcycle?
How does this even happen?
Human body. I command you. Let me sleep and forget my sorrow.
And thus I have created the self-referenced samefag textwall thread that happens every time I get drunk and invested in a thread.
I only said good bye and goodnight 20 times.
How do I sleep now? Coma gods? Plz give?
Would sleep / 10 right now
prepare to cringe.
>not really first time i fapped but first recollection of having a boner.
>for some reason i went through puberty at a really young age
>8 years old
>parents divorced and drunk fuck ups
>bounced back and forth between parents
>living with my dad
>had a shit studio apt in north hollywood
>we shared a murphey bed
>if you're to young to understand what that is, it's a bed that basically folds into your closet to save space because you're too poor to afford space for a bed
>be me 8 years old approx 1991
>sharing murphy bed with dad (im not a fag btw, we were just poor)
>watching twilight zone on tv
>get boner in my tighty whities
>rub it for a lil but kinda feel weird so stop
kinda anti climatic but idk still strikes me as a weird milestone in my life that obviously i can remember now being almost 32 yrs old
I am the formaldeehyde cancer that ferments your threads long enough for more oc posts.
This thread died hours ago.
One drunk bastard can't stop typing even though he no longer should.
Welcome to the party with only me the passed out drunk guy.
It was a good thread before I partied 2 hard.>>572102310
(mask chan is u back I tried)
>Don't really know what fapping is, I tried to suck my own dick once, but it didn't work
>Put my hand on the bottom of my pee-pee
>Move it all the way up, to the tip
>Didn't feel good
>One week later
>Move hand down to try again
>Realize you need keep moving your hand to fap
>Become the fap master
Drunk as I am I did want to read.
Which twilight zone?
All of them fuck with your mind in such a unique one that were every person on here to watch every single one, there would be one they could fap to.
>Whole episode the premise is that she is getting a beauty operation
>You are confused when all other people and surgeons are hideous Moblin pigpeople
>Turns out she got THE TREATMENT in many "perfect world futures" stories
>A beauty treatment that turns you into the perfect male or female HUMAN, but also changes your brain to be a suave human male James Bond or vulnerable ditzy female human "Marilyn Monroe" (as shown in movies)
Welp, shit. You become completely "attractive" and also either cool-sheeple man or ditzy-woman
Moot has forsaken us and all of the elder mods were replaced by SJW mods that Do it For Free, via the request of moot's current SJW girlfriend.
(This is what tin-foil-hats actually believe)
(But true in part, so so sadly)
But I'm just bullshitting.
I don't know it happened a long while ago.
Your fortune of the day is: I wasn't around when fortunes were a thing.
Honestly one of my first nervous faps (and I'm always a nervous socially awkward person, so it's highly likely my kinks would be of the submissive nature) was done with nothing but bed rubbin' and looking at a laptop sitting on a chair that was parallel to my bed level.
I was on this shittier bed-couch that my shittier college dorm had. If you rolled in the wrong direction (left in my case, right in my roommates) the bed would even shrink (roll partially back into the wall). And the "couch back" only meant for when you were couch sitting and not trying to sleep on a bed of puny size that was intended to make a too-tiny room seem more spacious by replacing the "need" for a "couch".
Anyways, fap to crazy shit I found here while "laying horizontally belly down" from the perspective of my "game all hours of the night every night with loud headphones" roommate. Cum.
Realize I could always come like this. Fap Handsfree forever.
Have heard fapping with bedside/pillow desensitizes more than hand updownupdown.
Don't give a fuck. Fap self with bed.
My sheets are nasty.
Why is it so hard to play a game.
I just thought of the color green and thought hey lets play your version of magic that actually only has a few choice cards.
>What is your favorite password?
well uh I think I have this one right
>What is the 6 digit thingy we sent to your email address to confirm this is you on your computer that has the locally downloaded game?
Fuck you man.
I'm getting too drunk for this shit.
Well played for getting it. The clue was probably rather obscure.
Also, holy shit guys, how is this thread still alive?
Holy shit man you are drunk, please go to bed
Dad says it's some reference to Greek mythology.
>Greek mythological prophet.
Way to easy mode it.
I bet you "win" radio contests of what song had this lyric with the power of megafast google, too.
Here in murrica we only name after Christian... I dunno people things.
I just know that I was the 5th Zach in my middle-sized elementary then my middle school (with 5 different Zachs) and my high school (where I was known by my favorite teacher as Zach of the [insert-last-name variety).
Murrica should lrn2name is the moral of the story....
I tried hard to tell you: I have tried with all of my ability to become pass-out drunk.
Is one liter of 50 proof not enough? I'm about to leave the house and run 10 miles or someshit.
I just want to sleep off the nightmare of the day that my best friend's little brother died and than my little brother drove into town.
How do I talk to a friend who lost his little brother when I have one?
How the fuck do I do that?
And apparently my human body is asking how do I sleep?
Can I just pass out now? plz?
I accidentally kept this thread alive as a textwall samefag for 100 hours. The most taboo samefagging offense known to /b/.
HOw do I drunken sleep and or black out? I want to know.
Also welcome back Mask Chan, I drunkenly love you and would wear mask eraday until I met mask chan if I were an alcoholic.
Which begs the question. Why has the most alcohol I even consumed in life in ever to forget a legitimate tragedy not worked in making me drink2forget and sleep?
I was also informed should the first number thingy at the bottom of my screen thingy hit 300 the bumps would no longer work and that I should give up bumping but then I bumped enough to make it last long enough and then you came back like you jokingly said you would if some impossible 4chan bump feat occured.
How do I sentence. And why do ppl die.
Also mask-chan is cool girl that was all I really meant to say.
Much respect. Would believe all of story again. Unlike these other foogots.
I find microwaves to be the most terrifying of all.
One time I accidentally milk in a microwave and it straight up curdled.
Are you trying to make me make mustard gas?
If so I will not believe your maladvice.
I remember as a noofag thinking blowing crystals would be cool but then some honest post said that is mustard gas plz don't do the troll pic with HOW 2 MAKE CRYSTALS.
Hey, if they don't want to believe, it's up to them. No-one hung around shitposting about it for ages, they only mentioned it once or twice. Pretty sure lots of people came, ot their boners, and left satisfied - and didn't care about the truth.
People die, and we have to learn to deal with it. If we don't have bad times, how can we value the good times?
Was drunk joke.
The only reason I was in this thread was because it was 80% good vibes/posts.
I'm not angrily defending someone else.
Just drunkily angrily defneding why I am awake.
Because all of my relatives and friends find me too annoying to listen to (when completely sober, yes, I am not an drug IRL).
I just want.
Someone to talk to.
p.s. someone that isn't capcha because fuck that bitch and my drunk eyeballs. They are incompatible
It was an accident. One thing I remember from those early days though is that for some reason I thought I could only orgasm once every 3 days. Don't know how or why I pulled 3 days out of my ass.
Honestly, after my first thread died I thought it just wasn't going to happen tonight. The idea that OP here managed to make a "full" thread out of my shitty little life is quite...satisfying.
My one and only wish of this lifetime was that my friend that commited suicide, what..., 7 years ago had had my friendship when he asked: hey maybe you could join my wowld of warcraft server instead of the one you're on and have fun with me?
And I was too materialistic (in a game about nothing other than pixels that you don't actually own - that could shut down any day legally due to the Terms of Accepdurr that you agreed to) to stop what I was doing in my game-world and join him.
Why didn't I join that kid ON his world man? Coulda saved him.
Me and one of my previously lesser friends could have "saved" him.
That is the friend who's little bro died.
My one great source of guilt that I shared with one other person, that I could see in his eyes (the one that even got me playing wow). We didn't join that kid's world in motherfucking high school when it shouldn't have mattered to most but did to that kid.
I convinced myself for years that us 2 killed him. No one else knew about his passionate game life.
And now the little bro of that other burden-wielding kid is dead.
And I have become alcohol.
Yet can't sleep.
> other guys at sport start talking about fapping
> mfw i have no idea wtf it is
> a couple of weeks later i decide to get to the bottom of this shit
> home alone
> lay on back on bed
> achieve boner
> start touching..
> fap fap fap
> suddenly urge to "pee"
> get up and start sprinting towards bathroom
> pants still around ancles
> about halfway to the bathroom
> start spraying my juicy goodness all over the living room floor
>fuck fuck fuck!!!
> seldomly has i ever jizzed that hard since!
> breathless i stand and behold my masterpiece of jizz on the dark wooden floor..
> clean up the mess
> next time at sport i'm totally in on fap talk
Are you fucking kidding? I'll get to like 320 on my own samefagging, don't you ever doubt it.
This is to my drunken mind about some little kid that died so I won't even give up.
But in all honesty, this was what I was looking for.
I started talking to every goddamn family member.
And I talked to every friend that wasn't the one owning the little bro that died because fuck I'ma coward.
I'll ask him out on a goddamn adventure scheduled for whenever he feels like it now. Because thanks for thread and fuck you world that includes death along with its gift of life.
Goodnight time number x80 from drunkmanguy but actually goodnight.
Am gonna walk 4 miles.
That is the only way this spazzymcspazotron drunk can actually sleep. Fuck middle of the night and fuck the car drivers that don't trust me to stay on my sidewalk.
I'll be fine
If you read every post you'd see the only reason the thread exists is because of the quoted drunken bastards rambling textwall samefagging bumping.
But he is leaving. And apologized for bitching in an otherwise awesome and happy thread
And thread star: mask chan is back.
I'll read it later after 404
Drunken bastard out
Yeah, actually reading through it now, things had already moved into the dark side a bit. Whatever, thing is past the bump limit and I'm not looking to get my fap on regardless.
Also, I forgot to wear a shirt so I had to come back to room with computer.
Am actually leaving now drunk as fuck to go walk until I find some kind of inspiring star in the sky.
>inb4 that is inadvisable.
I lived a few years as a convenience store owner who owed 60% of income to hobos buying booze (their food must have been panhandle free from a soup kitchen). Those hobos once beat the shit out of an outoftowner hobo that stole from me (never ever personally would have allowed that, but they told me about it with beaming smiles....)
am know how 2 drunk and not cops
g'night mask-chan, I kept the thread open for you as a what if I did that wouldn't it be hilarious joke from a drunk that will pass out in 10 seconds then didn't pass out ever.
See ya'll next thread(s)
I fucking hate when other people are sad.
Plz use xchan to filter my messages.
That would make me happy.
Also this time I forgot my socks and had to come back to my room with the computer.
Maybe this time I'll make it out the door.
Let have a swig or 2 of captain morgan to steel my spirit, that will help. Right guize?