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alright /b/, i have a story... a true, long,...
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The stories and information posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood.
Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact.

You are currently reading a thread in /b/ - Random

Thread replies: 182
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alright /b/, i have a story... a true, long, sad story of drama, pain, and spaghetti

>be 16
>find some bitches ipod touch on the bus and keep it (this will come into play later)
>have Jahovahs witness mom
>she's super into it (baptized and everything)
>been going to "The Kingdom Hall" every wednesday and sunday for about 8 years
>notice this 7/10 girl in the back one day
>she's staring at me
>i sometimes find myself accidently looking that way for long periods of time too
>think nothing of it though
>on one day Elder of the Congragation (i dont feel like describing what that is, you guys have google.) decides to have a BBQ at his house
>he has 2 kids, one was 14, the other was 7
>be in 14 year old kids room with 5 people and nothing to do because he can't play any fun video games.
>Its me, the kid, the girl (who happens to be his cousin) my brother, and the kids friend (some 20 year old nigger)
>i'm just fucking sitting there in this kids room watching the 3 other guys play on one of those stupid mini indoor basketball hoops.
>not even using the ball it comes with, just a balled up piece of paper
>14 year old kid decides it's time to "bring the fun outside"
>everyone but me and the girl go outside to play baskethoops
>its fucking awkward for like 5 minutes
>notice girl staring at me
>i say "so uhhhhhh, whats up"
>she says "i'm just thinking of something"
>me "what?"
>her "its dirty"
>me in sudden alpha mode "well know you have to tell me..."
>she then puts her hand on my leg and kisses me
>blood rushes from my head strait to my dick,
>never had any sexual experiences before this
>we make out for a good 7 minutes
>she takes a breath from eating my face and says "i want you to finger me"
>i'm like "K" and start going to work
>i never knew how much further down a vagina is than a dick, so i'm slowly moving my hand lower and lower down her pants
>start fingering her, but notice she looks like shes in pain so i keep stopping to ask "are you ok?"
>cont...
>>
sure ill play along
bumpin
>>
I'm listening
>>
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go on...
>>
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bumping
>>
iiin west philadelphia, born n raised
>>
Every fucking time, OP never types it all out before starting the thread
>>
OP plz
>>
>>568930723
inb4 dinosaur
inb4 eddie murphy west philidelphia
inb4 cotton eye joe
inb4 spagetti
>>
fuck nigger its been 10 minutes pre type this shit
>>
Bunping
>>
>>568930723
ITT: never forghetti
>>
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BUMP
BUMP
BUMP
>>
RAVIOLI
>>
>>568930723

you were fingering her urethra, got it.

next story pls
>>
bump for this
>>
Hurry it up OP. Bump.
>>
I'm about to bail, there's a fucking cute Asian thread happening and this is probably going to end with this beaner walking the dinosaur.
>>
Bormp
>>
Come on OP
>>
the fuck? why type so fuckin slow cunt
>>
OP bailed.
>>
Bump for OP
>>
part 2...

>that goes on for like 5 minutes or so
>things are getting pretty steamy
>all of a sudden I hear footsteps
>freak out, instantly pull pants up, can't do the belt in time so i just pull my shirt over it
>its the 14 year old kid's 7 year old brother
>he's crying because he got an ass whooping
>girl starts consoling the little shit, and he sits down on the bed in between us (let it be known the 14 year old kid shared a room with his brother.... they had bunk beds.....)
>just sitting there with the biggest fucking boner i have ever had watching kung foo panda in some weird room on a bunk bed with a grill and a child.
>kid eventually leaves to go be a little shit somewhere else
>me and girl just look at each other for a second... then she says "why don't we go outside
>we go outside and i sit on a little ledge watching the others play basket hoops because i'm unathletic as fuck and fuck you stop asking
>girl sits next to me
>we start talking about what happened in the house
>she says "i was just about to jump on top of you"
>fml
>she goes into the garage and signals me to follow her"
> i do
>were in the garage now and she starts to make out with me again
cont...
>>
part 3...

>go back outside and sit for the rest of the day
>girl asks me if i have a phone
>of course i don't when my dad (parents are divorced and dad isn't religious) asked me and my brother what we wanted for our birthday my brother said "phone" and i said "computer"
>go home confused as fuck about what happened
>my brother comes into my room later that night and said "[insert grill name here] says it was a mistake."
>he then says "idk what that means but yeah, bye"
>now i'm fucking worried... what if shes feeling guilt and wants to tell the elders at the church what happened, idfk...
>luckly she doesn't
>weeks go by
>still noticing her staring at me, even harder now
>another day comes where the whole church decides to meet up somewhere
>its a public park this time
>i didn't want to go, but mom forced me
>get there and can already tell its going to be shit... people doing the cha cha slide and shit
>i sit down at some bench far from everyone and bump to one of my ipods
>girl sits next to me
>"why are you just sitting here alone?"
>me "because im just listening to music and thinking"
>her "you should get a texting app on your ipod so we can talk"
>me "good idea, ill get one when i get home, whats your number?"
>she gives me her number and leaves to go keep an eye on some shitty kids
>rest of bbq goes by slow, but eventually i leave
>get home, instantly download texting app
>think for like 30 minutes of what to say
>eventually just text "hey"
>we start talking every day, all fucking day nonstop about random shit.
>wake up, text her.... about to go to sleep, text her
>its real fucking neato to me
>a couple days go by of this, and eventually i ask her "so do you like me or something?"
>she replies "a little maybe"
>i'm bouncing off the walls at this point
>she then says "to be honest, i really want to jump your bones"
>since then our conversations turn very sexual all the time
>she dirty talks me all day, and sends pics and shit
>feel like a boss.
>>
OP has pasta coming
>>
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>>568934000
That's it? Post the pics faggot.
>>
>>568934000
Why not just use Facebook?
>>
>>568934356
She was 14 dumbass
>>
where is the pics
>>
>>568930723
23 minutes and still nothing!/!?!?!?!?!
Christ, I knew Jehovah's Witnesses were retarded but this is really a bit much... If you're gonna greentext a story, please, type it out before initiating the post, god DAMNIT you DENSE MOTHERFUCKER
>>
i love saving greentexts
youll be known forever
>>
>>568934460
its ok shes 18 now
>>
>>568934629
Nigger, law is age pic was taken, not current age. Fuck off and don't ruin this thread
>>
part 4... this story goes on for a long fucking time, sorry guys its gonna take me a while to shit these out

>some backstory, my mom set up a backyard movie theater for the church so every saturday they would come to my house and watch g rated movies in the backyard.
>she tells me one day "im coming to your movie night next saturday
>im like "i'll be waiting"
>shes like "but you better shave, because im not blowing you if you don't shave"
>i shit bricks... never shaved b4 so i had no clue what i was doing... my shit looked like the amazon
>that night spend 2+ hours making sure my junks were spotless.
>few days go by... with dirty talk
>its friday, im just sitting down with my mom, texting grill, while my moms watching old western movies
>mom looks at me and says "who are you texting?"
>me "uhhhhhhhhh... my friend andrew, why?"
>mom "you've been smiling all day, i wanna see"
>me "no"
>she fucking swipes that shit from my hand... i kid you not
>she looks at my ipod and JUST THEN I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD, i get a text...
>it says "i want to make a porno"
>my mom just breaks... not breaks down, she breaks...
>no words, nothing... she gets in her car with my ipod and drives away...
cont...
>>
>>568934862
Bitch.
>>
>>568935065
That id
>>
>>568934862
Cunt
>>
>>568934460
Woops. OP took so long to post the rest of the story I forgot how old the people in the story were.
>>
>>568934862
>she fucking swipes that shit from my hand... i kid you not

I woulda lost my shit
>>
>>568935065
ID says it all
>>
>>568934862
Cockblocking bitch.
>>
>>568935065
Fag
>>
>>568935065
Id fAg get
>>
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>>568934862
Fucking...dammit. I feel a tad sad for you OP
>>
bamp
>>
Buuuuuuuuuuuuump
>>
MY LIES
IN JEOPARDY
>>
Hurry up op
>>
Stay alive epic bread
>>
what a crap, fuck you
>>
im getting bored
say things
>>
part 5... shit gets good. i feel pain just remembering how this went down

>remember i have second ipod touch that i stole
>quickly open texting app and warn girl of the incoming shitstorm
>walk out the house (it was like 9:00pm and drizzling)
>just start walking... rethinking my life
>walking for like 2 hours
>car pulls up to me.
>its my mom
>"get in the car NOW"
>me "no..."
>shes following me while i walk on the sidewalk
>i get annoying and hop a fence. and run into a nearby golf course knowing she cant follow me
>i just walk in this golf course for like 30 minutes
>golf cart drives up to me
>some random dood
>"hey this is private property, gtfo"
>me "sure, can you drop me off at the back exit?"
>let it be known that my dad lives at the other side of the golf course"
>he gives me a ride in his cart and drops me off
>i walk to my dads house
>fucking cop cars, dogs and shit
>helicopters flying overhead
>wtf?
>walk in, dads flipping a shit
>"WHERE THE FUCK WHERE YOU? YOUR MOTHER TOLD ME YOU WERE GOING TO KILL YOURSELF"
>me "what?"
>i was a wanted person for 2 hours in the state of new jersey
>sort out shit with the police, they eventually leave
cont...
>>
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>>568935138
>>568935225
>>568935354
>>568935362
>>
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>>568935781
That escalated quickly.
>>
>>568935781
>>568934862
Lol jw's are such cunts. I sincerely hope you got out of that bullshit religion buddy
>>
When does the spaghetti part come into play, because god damn, this is going to turn into some weird shit in a sec.
>>
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>>
keep it going anon
>>
My gf is ex jw. This shit is spot on.
>>
>>568935781
bump
>>
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Bump
>>
Bump it
>>
Anon pls
>>
My neighbor had 4 JW grills and they were all d2f. I see a trend
>>
>>568936390
are you me?
>>
>>568936701
It's the same way with the Mormon girls. All the repressive religions breed sexual deviants. I imagine Arabs are like that if you coax them.
>>
intermission lulz
>>
Bump bump
>>
>>
part idfk...this shits long

>live at dads studio appartment now
>dad sleeps in living room
>feel like shit
>its summer so i dont have to go to school or anything, but dammit it was boring.
>get a call from mom one morning
>its mom
>"hey anon, im coming to pick you up... i wanna talk"
>me "ok i guess"
>she picks me up and starts driving
>me "where are we going"
>her "to the kingdom hall, i just want you to tell an elder what happened"
>lolwut
>"start flipping a shit, but eventually agree since its only going to be one person
>get there
>elder is there, but we arent going inside
>me "why aren't we going inside?"
>elder "oh were just waiting for the rest"
>my mom fucking lied....
>they had the girl, her parents and 2 other elders coming
>they wanted me to describe what i did in front of the girls parents while she was there to get to the bottom
>nope.webm
>i just start walking
>mom "where are you going? come back here!"
>me "no.... what are you gonna do? kick me out?"
>keep walking, they dont give chase because of the speed of youth
>go into a pizzaria and call my dad
>he comes and picks me up 10 minutes later
>live at his house for 6 months
>parents go to court because my idiot dad doesnt want to pay child support while im living at his house
>he loses
>judge demands that i move back in with my mom because he doesn't have "adequate living conditions"
>move back in with mom
>shits awkward for a few months
>never talk about it again
>mom hasn't trusted me since
>still go to the church and see the girl every wednesday
>im 18 now and have thought about talking to the girl. but her parents are big so fuck that

the day i almost got the pussy... fml
>>
JWs is what make us normal christians look bad.
>>
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Bamp
>>
>>
i could have posted more details, but its getting late, i have work tomorrow and i have been typing for like 2 hours so fuck that... sorry guys im out
>>
>>568937157
Religion is what make you Christians look bad
>>
>>568937115
Damn OP, you need to get the hell out of your bitch-ass mom's place and life asap.
>>
>>568937115
Where the fuck is the spaghetti?
>>
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>>568936701
I dunno man, looks like a frigid bitch to me.
>>
>>568937385
Was just about to post that. I honestly don't see the point in any modern society.
>>
>>568937442
I do not understand this spaghetti thing
>>
>>568937115
I'm sorry dude, that sucks.
>>
>>568937115
Wow, your mom is a piece of shit.
>>
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>>568937115
>MFW I waited this entire time for that shit ending
>>
>>568937385
Actually a lot of us (such as myself) don't force what we beileve on others. Also arguing over religion is extremely childish and i don't plan to get into one tonight. If you're gonna have an adult opinion act like an adult
>>
>>568937482
the internet...
>>
>>568937115
I would have a really hard time not punching her in the fucking throat.
>>
>>568937618
/thread
>>
>>568937358
Dude you have an epic story to tell for the rest of your life. Congrats
>>
>>568937115
Don't be a pussy and just fucking talk to her ffs.
>>
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>>568937115
>>"parents go to court because my idiot dad doesnt want to pay child support while im living at his house"

lolwut?

your dad is an idiot because he didn't want to give his money to a women to use to raise a child she wasn't raising?

no op you are the idiot.
>>
>>568937115
coward..
>>
>>568937358
>mfw
>>
>>568937115
Pro tip: You can still get the pussy.
>>
yea guys, i left out some parts because of time... didnt even think about writing this shit before i typed it... ill keep the note. i would post nudes, but my mom never gave me the ipod back...

also when i said her parents are big i meant her dad. he's some kind of weightlifter and he knows where i live now.
>>
>>568937358
Well that was a complete waste. Faggot
>>
>>568937115
Wtf, go hit that anon, after coming so close, finally getting it Will be like fucking a unicorn.
>>
>>568937115
Wait wait wait, you're 18. Still go to this suck-ass church. Still live with your mom, after all that bullshit. And won't talk to the girl that wanted put your penis in her mouth.

You're an idiot.
>>
dear OP kill your mom post results
>>
Keep going anon.
>>
>>568937115
So basically you walked the dinosaur.
Go bang some other hungry girls out there. There are plenty of thirsty girls like her out there.
>>
>>568938386
basically
>>
>I'm 18
>still living with mom

LOLOLOL FAGGOT
>>
You're 18. Get a moped. Get a cheap car. Get a job, get a anything. Find some roomies at college, get out. No parents are worth the headache of pure insanity that yours seem to like to apply to your life. JW's are good people, but the higher ups in the church twist them into something that isn't right. Every fucking time they show up at my place i've got my shotgun resting on my knee. Only fucks on the planet that will come the fuck out here to bother me.
>>
Wtf I was promised spaghetti.
>>
>>568937358
JUST FUCKING GO FOR IT YOU FAGGOT.
>>
>>568937115
Also what the hell happened to the spaghetti part.
>>
>>568937115
You are 18 now. Just fucking ditch that dumb fucking social club and be happy on your own. My gf went through similar shit and since she got out she has never been happier. Just RUN!!
>>
>>568938812
>Shhh no anon, shhh the economy anon, shhhh loving non distant parents.
>>
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>>568938963
>>Also what the hell happened to the spaghetti part.
>(ID: fAgQAVgu)
>fAg
>Fag
>>
>>568938869
you sound like a cool dude bro.
>>
>>568938963
fag
>>
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>>568939265
Fucking gotem
>>
No bel air

I'm actually disappointed
>>
>>568939443
>acb...
Atleast I know the alphabet
>>
>>568939790
Still a fag.
>>
>>568937665
You're on /b/, and claim to be Christian.
Something doesn't add up here
>>
>>568930723
All spaghetti in this story belongs to your moronic parents OP.

Damn it, my parents are dumb but compared to yours, they look like they've came up with a Theory of Relativity.
>>
>>568930723
Can someone give me the TL;DR version?

I lost interest when he was texting her.
>>
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>>568937157
Ha.

I think worshipping a being that commands you to be intellectually dishonest (ignoring concept of "burden of proof") on pain of torture is what makes you "regular Christians" look bad
>>
>>568937665
>Christian
>"act like an adult"
Ok little man. There is a reason people pity you
>>
>>568937943
#feminism
>>
>>568939440
Fuckin JW's keep interrupting me beating off to tentacle porn.
>>
>>568937527
honestly, religion could serve very useful in making weak-minded people strive to achieve an ideal that would serve society in a beneficial way. (ideal of peace, of education, of understanding) But yeah, it's been twisted and people are too scared to change the outdated texts.
>>
>>568938303
Get a gun and don't let him bully you.
>>
>>568940237
>OPs parents are religious blokes.
>OP meets a cute horny grill.
>He makes out with her and fingers her.
>Later, his mom finds out and is not impressed.
>Shitstorm happens when his dumb parents think he wants to an hero over this shit.
>Pussy never materializes because of praise Jehovah.
>Make it worse? How could it be worse? Jehovah, Jehovah, Jehovah!
>>
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Posting beta greentext...
>be me a junior in high school
>internally a beta, physically normal
>have huge first crush
>she is a senior
>she has boyfriend
>to make me feel better, I lied about having gf
>boyfriend dumps her
>she and I become close
>I would wait for her at drama class
>miss lunch for her
>year is half way done
>I really want to tell her how I feel
>think of writing love letter
>I know she will be at college no possible to have a real relationship with her even if I try
>to beta to give letter
>write a song to her, and post it to her
>she ask if I wrote it for her
>scared I said ''no''
>knowing that I never really showed my feeling
>>
>>568940652
Religion is only good for scamming retards
>>
>>568940832
>oh, what a cute puppy
>*click*
>oh god why
>>
>>568940763
Oh, thank you.
>>
>>568941006
Those are my true feels anon...
>>
>>568941998
are you friends with her on facebook? it's never too late, you could still talk to her, even if its just for closure.
>>
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>>568942362
Fuck Anon, I just do not know anymore... I could... please don't make me.
>>
>>568942672
do it anon. you never know.
>>
>>568942672
>please don't make me.
I won't. No pressure.
>>
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>>568942758
Goddamn it...
>moved on
>now 20
>living in new city by self
>she is god knows where
>me living up to my expectations
>starting to get fit
seeing this shit and now going to regression damn it anon why?
>>
>>568942672
You're the only one that can make you do things. I say give it a go. Giver her a talk. Just be like "Yo, I wanted to go out with you when I wrote you that song. Also I totally fucking wrote that song for you that one time."
>>
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>>568939265
>needs three maymay arrows to discern the word "fag" in that ID
>>
Fine I will do it for closure, I always thought of doing it... but but but uhhhhhhh
>>568943327
>>568942758
>>568943049
>>568942362
>>
>>568943560
Fuck yeah!
>>
>tfw your mother uses your religion to fuck you out of anything decent in life
I feel you, OP.
>>
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>>568943560
its okay if she refuses. its okay if she accepts. whatever happens anon, it'll be okay. Now stop being such a faggot and go getheryou.
>pic related, what you should not say.
>>
>>568934000
oh so they danced uhhh against their religion neeto
>>
>>568943912
>>568943768
>>
>>568944365
>Well sorry for bothering you.

Bad, anon, bad!
>>
>>568944504
Hey, hey calm down...
There is no us now, I live with realistic expectations and say what I want... well now but still... I do feel bad that I bothered her at 2 in the fucking morning while spouting this old high school beta shit.
>>
>>568944365
a little beta but recoverable. Good shit anon.
>>
>>568942672
Do it. Otherwise you'll hate yourself for it like i do.
>two years ago
>17 y/old me, meet girl
>We shall call her L
>She is amazingly beautiful, we started talking because she could hear the ozzy osbourne music from my earbuds and wanted to listen
>she asks me to hang out at her place
>i agree, we dont stay for long because it turns out her dad is an abusive prick, throws a dinner plate at her mom
>walk to a nearby pond, we talk about our life and what we want to do
>eventually i ask if she is seeing someone
>"Why is that something you want from me"
>I mumble incorhently, blush, and then shut the hell up
>i look up after a minute to see her blushing too.
>god damn she was so cute, i wanted to just lean in and kiss her, but i didnt.
>i go home
>this awkward neither of us willing to say what we want continues for a few weeks
>eventually i decide to man up, drive over to her place
>knock on her door
>mom answers, i ask if Lauren was here
>"no she's been gone all day"
>Slightly confused, decided to go the pond
>see a little boat they have in the pond, out with no one in it.
>shout at it, no response.
>figure it wasnt tied down
>swim out to it, notice someone floating in the water
>flip the person over, its her
>start to panic, pull her to shore
>call ambulance
>she is dead
She had a seizure and fell into the water.
It hurts guys. It really does.
>>
Damn, I wish more girls were that straight forward & you have a fucked up mom OP.
>>
>>568945084
shit m8
>>
>>568944839
Didn't notice that it's 2AM where you are. Well, well.

Nicely done either way, you got this.
>>
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>>568945084
>>
>>568945084
>let's call her L
>i ask is Lauren was here

enjoy your dead not girlfriend, faggot. also you're shit at storytelling.
>>
>>568945084
I, I, I , didn't know anon....
I'm sorry anon...
>>
>>568944365
topkek, fucking gay anon ;^)
>>
My parents are hardcore JWs too. So I know everything you are talking about. They always have 'get-togethers' not 'parties'.

But how the fuck did you get to be alone in a room with another person of the opposite sex? That shit is a big no no in that religion.
>>
>>568945824
Thanks Heaven, Its nice to know your on my side.
>half way through i realized it doesnt matter if i use her name
>get lubed heaven, those gates are pearly from all the dead semen your mother spit out of her mouth
>>
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>>568946079
Topkek
>>
>>568946079
>mad
>>
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>>568946609
>>
>>568946741
>implying im implying
>>
>>568946860
lel, heaven slip, but who gives a fuck? he's still a dumb faggot and sucks at telling a story.
>>
Fucking move out op. Get a job, go to college, get away from her. This is not good for you.
>>
Where the fuck is the spaghetti? I was getting hard from the suspense. You can't just blue ball people like that.
>>
>>568937115
Well dude, your mom's a cunt. Also being a Jeovah's Witness sucks balls and maybe has to do with all the paranoid and controlling personality.

You've only got one youth. GIVE THIS GIRL THE D.
>>
>>568946860
>>568946979
>dont be upset heaven, cheer up, look at this pic
>>
>>568947545
not interested in your photo collection, faggot anon ;^)
>>
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>>568947650
>>
>>568937943
this
>ITT whiney ass OP jw that will never know what real life is like
what a goof
>>
>>568947781
well that one was me
>>
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>>568945084
thats what you get for liking shitty anime and music
>>
Story smells of some bullshit.
JWs only recently within the last 4 years started having meetings on wed and sun.
It used to be tues, thurs, and sunday.
Also, so what if her dad was big?
A JW WILL NOT beat you up.
>>
>>568949136
>>
> be 17
> see ok looking kid at school and he is listening to Ozzy Osborne, I ask to listen and invite him over
> he comes over and we leave cause fighting parents, go to a nearby pond
>find out he's beta as fuck
> pretend to be missing knowing he'll check the pond
> I see him coming and pretend to be dead
> pay ambulance to say I'm dead
#yourbeta
>>
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>>568930723
>>568933861
>>568934000
>>568934862
>>568935781
>>568937115
op delivered thankyou almost not beta faggot
>>
>>568936910
that isnt even the original picture. Someone just did another joke overtop and used the last frame.
>>
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>>568934000
>jump your bones
>mfw
>>
what the hell

not even a bel-air or dinosaur or whatever

just a "fuck you I'm not finishing my story I'm going to bed"

being an asshole runs in your family, op
Thread replies: 182
Thread images: 43
Thread DB ID: 13844



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