I'm so fucking lonely. I'm autistic, or some shit like that. Diagnosed as "aspergers". Basically, my brain doesn't connect to people. Like, I see them, I understand them but I don't feel them. But the parts supposed to feel people are still there. Sometimes I dream, and in my dreams the connection works, and I can 'feel' people in that weird way. Like they're actually there. And I wake up and for a few brief moments I'm happy, and I want to do stuff and say I'm sorry for being such an ass to my family, and I want to be nice... And then it fades away again. I'm surrounded by people, I kiss people. I hug people I fuck people, but I'm not there. I'm always alone, trapped in a small mis-grown corner of my brain, watching my life drift away in third person.
You're problem isn't autism, it's that people fucking suck.
I didn't get why I was sad all the time. Being socially retarded shouldn't do that. Then I realized it wasn't sadness. It was loneliness. When I have those dreams, when I wake up, I want to do things. Not for myself but for everyone around me. This is why we all do things. We don't know it, but if we remove everybody else, the only thing we'd want to do is to search for the people that were removed. I guess most aspergers people don't have that social connection at all in their brain. But then again maybe I don't have aspergers. Because I can feel I should relate to people. When I think about them I just feel... Bad... For the shit I do... For the people I fuck over... But when I try to be with them they're just not there. It's like I've never met a person in my life. It just sucks...
I'm depressed to op. I shouldn't be but tbh I wanna fucking just off myself.
im 18, own my own business, have a decently ok family I shouldn't be depressed but i am.
The girl I loved more than anything left me. Something about how shes scared of commitment. I nodded and smiled and said I understand but behind that it completely killed me.
I think this deserves a story.
I'm not depressed. I don't want to die. I just want to find people. I've been 'disconnected' my whole life, so the loneliness isn't really dramatic. It's just constantly there. I'm so used to it I can't even feel it. The only way I know things are this way is through those fucking dreams and those brief moments when I momentarily can feel there's a real person in front of me...
As for you, you're 18. You'll live. 18 year olds aren't always ready to settle down... Give it a few months and the wounds will be pretty small.
It's not depersonalization... I don't do (much) drugs, and I'm still in touch with my emotions and myself. It's just that I am not in touch with anyone else. Other people in my family seem to have similar stuff where they are really awkward socially and all that.
So, where do I start.
Excuse the poor grammar and the spelling I am dyslexic.
I never liked people, I never got along with people I was always the strange weird one. It was always really hard to make friends cuse I was into stuff that was way beyond my peers. I was pretty fucking alone.
My dad had caught a lung fungus when we lived on vancouver island. He almost died in front of my eyes because he stopped breathing. i was only 6 when this happened and it traumatized the fuck out of me. I still have anxiety attacks when ever I go into a hospital.
I was abused at school, because I did not have my dyslexia and dyspraxia diagnoses the teachers all just thought I was a useless fuck. I would get screamed at, beaten, slapped, locked in a room and left there and worse.
They turned the entire class against me, and eventually the whole school cast me out. At this time i was only 8 and i was addicted to ativan. I used to get so loaded I would forget my name, who and what i was and pass out.
it got progressively worse and I started to self harm and eventially tried to kill myself. I went to a friends house who's dad was a hunter. He used to keep his guns in the closet loaded. I took a handgun, put it to my head, and pulled the trigger. *click* to this day I have no clue what the fuck happened, the gun was loaded, cocked, safety off but it went click on a dud primer. I threw it back in the closet and ran home (it was a townhouse complex).
I ran back home and was more alone then I ever was. I had no friends, my parents were always out working and it was just me. I would sit alone at lunch and eat my food while the other kids would walk by, kick me, piss on my backpack, hit me, and i didn't do anything, cuse if I did the teachers would just tell me im a liar and then hit me to.
Thank fucking god we moved to Sechelt on the sunshine coast.
I was scared to go back to school, i begged not to. But, I met a teacher who for the first time in my life I trusted. At this time I was diagnosed so it was ok. He would take me in at lunch and we would just talk, about everything. I was really into science at that point so we would just talk about that for hours. then.....something happend
anyone reading? should I continue?
I'm going to do that when I man up and get a hold of some. For some reason, zolpidem seems to make me connect to people the same way those dreams does. Zolpidem is also used to awaken people from comas. No one is quite sure how it works yet though. It seems that marijuana, LSD and other psychedelics can make these parts of the brain overactive, as psychopaths and autistic people often describe how they can relate to people when under the influence of these drugs. Combined with some diet promoting neurogenesis, it might be possible to train the damaged areas of the brain to the point where they're normally active during everyday life, at which point they neurons will begin reenforcing themselves.
>I'm surrounded by people, I kiss people. I hug people I fuck people, but I'm not there. I'm always alone, trapped in a small mis-grown corner of my brain, watching my life drift away in third person.
I thought I was the only one. Sometime I enjoy myself with bros, then I remind myself that I'm depressed and I shouldn't be feeling this way and then I zone out, get disinterested and go into third person mode.
I'm also on the spectrum, I know the feelings you describe. There's hope.
The connections are there, we just make them differently.
The neurotypicals can't wrap their heads around my ability to build and test complex systems in my head (my specialty relates to engineering), but feelings can seem vague, poorly defined and overly complicated.
What I do in my head in five seconds an NT can do with a couple of days, a text book and some heavy math. Similarly, with some time and effort and the right kind of study someone like me can pass as "well adjusted" in most social situations.
Eye contact is a good example, even though the person who brought it up is talking out of their ass. Eye contact as a form of nonverbal communication is counter-intuitive to most autistic people because we look at things in a less filtered way. NTs are drawn to eyes and faces, we tend to take in the whole room with roughly equal emphasis; but almost all autistic people I know learn to imitate "normal" eye contact by the time they are adults.
Autism just means what's intuitive for you is not the same as what's intuitive for most people. Most people don't have to learn to connect to their own emotions, but most people are painfully boring.