Story time thread!!! Get in here. Any story, sex or just wild times. general thread!
>Go over to GF's house (legendary get-together story, total romance thing)
>She's watching her roommates shitty mixed kids
>one is 8 months and the other is 2 years old
>2 year old is watching toy story in his playpen
>we start kissing on the couch
>hands are wandering
>up her shirt
>up her thighs
>kids are hungry
>she makes them food in the kitchen
>during microwaving I pick her up and put her on the counter
>kiss her neck
>hand down her pants
>try to make her cum before the microwave dings
>she doesn't try to get down
>baby starts crying
>little faggot. I still hate him.
>she takes him his food
>she feeds him
>finally done feeding the shithead nigger
>she takes the dishes into the kitchen
>I follow her
>back to the counter bitch
>the nigger kid walks in while I'm flickin' her bean
>she's super horny
cont in a second
>I put him in his playpen
>"But anon, he can get out of that."
>I stand there contemplating
>I hate this kid anyway
>pull him out of the playpen
>set him on the ground
>flip the playpen upside down on him so hes in a cage
>gf is too horny to care
>we fuck in her room to the sound of the child screaming and crying
Posting the old stories first, hang on tight guys.
He was just in shock that his kid was fucking his friends daughter in front of him.
>come over to her house early
>got her knees pressed up against her chin as I pound the living day lights out of her
>her eyes are rolling back
>she's gonna cum
>her hands grip the blanket
>she's got one hand on the blanket
>her eyes roll back
>she's got one hand on her my chest
>she's starting to scream as I pound faster
>she slaps my ass with her other hand
>this bitch does not have 3 hands
>I look behind me
>Nigger kid is slapping my hairy italian ass
>"NO BEAR NO! BAD STOP! NO!"
>Without missing a pump I look him dead in the eyes
>"get the fuck out of here you little spook"
>kick my shoe at him
>cum on one of his toys
I hate that kid.
Yeah it's still me.
Nobody is that new. She looks like a shorter emma watson with big tits and a nice ass. If I had a phone charger I'd post her tits.
>Same gf (we're still together)
>we worked together at a Family Fun center (roided up chuck e cheese)
>she pretends to get something from the prize closet
>the only prize you're getting is this dick bitch
>follow her in
>start making out up against a wall
>rubbing her pussy through her pants
>slip my hand in
>she pulls my cock out
>starts tugging on the ol' italian sausage
>hear the door creak
>pull my hands out of her pants
>other employee walks in
>"do you know where blah blah blah item is?"
>gf and I stare at her dumbstruck
>my back is turned to the employee
>my cock is still out and is getting harder
>"what is wrong with you two?"
>I stammer "I....I t-t-t-thought you were a ghost?"
>gf "yeah a ghost you scared us oh wow"
>employee takes items off of the shelf
>Gf won't finish in the closet, scared of getting caught
>I jerk off in the bathroom in a fuming rage
On a side note, after this I jerked off in the bathroom every shift.
I was the manager. "I need the manager!"
"Sir he's jerking off."
I hate the post timer.
>buddy is spending the night
>we've jerked off next to eachother
>we're just horny kids
>we decide to lay next to eachother
>start jerking eachother off
>suck eachother's dicks
>decide to fuck eachother in the ass
>I let him go first since he's the guest
>It takes about 20 seconds for me to realize that I'm not big on getting fucked in the ass
>Pull him out of my ass
>"I'm not done!"
>"Fuck you it's my turn"
>he bends over my bed
>i start pumping my young italian cock into this guy like it's going out of style
>he's biting the pillow
>I'm not into this
>I pull out
>he turns around
>"Do you want a kiss?"
>I look at him with utter contempt
>"No you fucking faggot, I'm not gay."
I ruined a young gay guy's first sexual experience because I was too horny.
I need to save these somewhere on my computer, she'll kick my ass if she finds them.
Remember guys, OP can't bump. So bump if you want new stories after I finish posting all this.
>GF (still together) lives with me now
>watching a movie in our room with my other roommate
>I have the big tv (32 inch, we were some poor bastards)
>mid movie start rubbing my gf's pussy while we're under the covers
>roommate sitting in front of us on the ground
>gf slides my cock out
>slowly stroking me
>masturbate eachother for the whole movie (1 1/2 hours)
>we fuck and cum in like 5 minutes
>he tells me a couple months later that he knew what we were doing
Let me provide some back story to this.
I was in a thrift store once and I saw a child's leather jacket.
I saw a child sized winnie the pooh.
I bought them both and so I had a biker winnie the pooh.
>My girlfriend is a huge disney fan
>fucking my GF on our bed
>she's wailing like a bitch possessed
>close to cumming
>pull out and rip off the condom
>hold her down
>start jerking off next to her face
>I shoot huge loads so she's got fear in those eyes
>"don't cum on me anon!"
>I start cackling
>see winnie next to us
>Scream out "It's either you or the bear bitch! YOU OR THE BEAR!"
>"THE BEAR DAMN IT THE BEAR!"
>i blow a huge load all over this fucking thing
>leave it on the bed all day
>wants to throw it away
>bitch I spent 100 bucks on that leather jacket
>throw it in the closet
>months later we're moving
>nephew (4) is bumming around while his dad and I are moving shit (we're best friends)
>goes in the closet
>comes back out with the crackling pooh bear doll
>I drop dead laughing as he holds it against his face and smiles
>asks if he can have it
>"sure, keep it."
>2 weeks later my sister asks if I jizzed on the bear
>tell her no
>she blames her husband
I love my family.
I don't know why this came to mind but here's a story about my parents
>little brother just born
>sleeps in my room in his crib
>the struggle is real
>my parents are fucking
>I can hear my mom moaning
>my mp3 player's batteries are dead
>how can this get any worse?
>my mother's sex fueled howls reverberate throughout the house
>little brother wakes up and starts crying
>how can this get any worse?
>hear a dildo start buzzing in my parents' room
>jesus fucking christ. This cannot get worse
>my little brother starts crying even louder like he's been hurt
>hear running down the hallway
>my dad bursts into my room completely naked with his huge hard 8 inch cock flopping around
>"Is he okay anon?"
>mfw there was nothing wrong with the kid
>mfw it somehow managed to get worse.
Thinking back on it, my father and I have identical cocks and that's just weird to know.
>sorta friend-zoned by chick
>it's her 16th birthday
>we hang out with her friends at her house
>pool party, etc
>everyone else is outside
>she walks out of her room completely naked
>acts like I walked in on her
>obviously some poor attempt to come onto me
>we swim together for a while
>it gets dark
>her dad and my dad are sitting by the fire drinking and eating hot dogs and talking about the military
>she and I are the only ones in the pool
>she's grinding up against me slowly
>her dad has his back turned to us
>my dad can see us from his position
>I pull her bikini bottom aside
>one hand over her mouth
>stuff my Italian pork into her
>whisper into her ear "happy birthday"
>start slowly fucking her
>my dad and I lock eyes
>I go faster
>he looks back at her dad with dead eyes
>chugs the rest of his beer
>I finish in the pool
Only time I ever fucked her. Thought I loved her, being a kid was shitty.
Bumpity bump, in the interest of time, any lurkers, what do you think I should do first, exhaust or invest in a sound system because it's like the worst sounding speakers ever
I just love these! 5am around here and I'm just laughing my ass off! Thanks italian anon.
Good to see the thread isn't dead. New story time. Let me think of a good one.
In the mean time, a shitty one.
>meet mexican chick online
>sext her and whatnot
>real graphic dirty shit
>she asks where I'm going to be
>she shows up at my first "job" that I'm volunteering at
>talks to my mom the whole time
>I thought she was a grown woman
>this bitch is rough
>my mom loves her
>invites her over all the time
>invites her to my surprise party
>you can bet I was fucking surprised
>She jerks me off in my room for my present
>gives me two comic books and some cologne
>hell yeah I'll take free shit from a crazy bitch
>my birthday is in november
>keep leading her on
>christmas rolls around
>my mom invites her to midnight mass (crazy catholic thing)
>I was an alter boy
>bored the whole time
>thinking of blowjobs
>the italian spaghetti gets hard
>serve mass with a hardon
>afterwards the mexican chick and I are in the back of the church
>i drag her into the bathroom
>sit her on the toilet
>she blows me
>deepthroats my cock as I start to cum
>there's a window at eye level for some reason
>priest is walking past as I pull out and jerk off on her face
>we all stare at eachother as cum dribbles off her chin
Coincidentally that was the year I stopped going to church.
these are funny as fuck man, i have to get up at 3:30 and go to work and its 11:19 now, but these stories are keeping me up haha
I shall share
>Be me, 7th going into 8th grade
>top dawg in the school
>begin 8th grade and popular as shit, girls want the d
>school starts new program mixing tards into regular classes, libtard parents were complaining
>First few weeks are good, have a tard in my gym and art class
>name is jenny
>every class we have, she stares at me like raptard stalking its prey, drools like a fish out of water
>asshole classmates that i thought were friends start talking to her to figure whats behind the tard staring at ole anon
>jenny talks about how she likes me
>"anon is hansum. i wike him"
>the lil shits eat this up, provoke her
>cunt classmates ask her what she wants to do
>points to her pussy and drools/smiles/squeals
That squeal still haunts me to this day
>"EEEEeeeeee I want anon here!"
>demoted to beta instantly, speechless and defenseless
>tomorrow is dodgeball, she will rue this day
>next day, during art (had it 2nd period and gym was 5th), we're all using water painting shit and shes doing finger painting given she eats everything the teacher gives her
>she draws a heart with my name spelled wrong
>all the niggas are laughing at me
>Gym class rolls around, I'm prepared to unleash the rage
>gym teacher sets us up on the same team
>no big deal, stand in the back catching lobs from dumbasses on other team
>Jenny randomly turns around, points at me
>no one sees this because of the free for all going on
>DK charge my windup with a dodgeball (the rubber ones)
>release it pointblank in her face
>shes down and stunned
>think I've conquered the beast, quickly run into the game like nothing happened
>lo, but it wasnt even her final form, gannondorf rises
>points at me
>Classmates see this, start laughing and making jokes about the tard wanting my d
>this tard has single handedly started a coup against my reign
>bright red with beta
I'm a bad person to children and small animals.
By the way, I absolutely hate mexican women. I always have.
>she's always askign when I'm gonna ask her out
>I always just say "like...whenever"
>she asks my mom if I can come over to her house
>my mom of course says yes as long as her mom is there
>"of course she is blah blah blah"
>she works during the day
>blowjobs all around the house
>this bitch has one of those little taco bell dogs
>he starts fucking biting me
>I kick him so hard he flies 6 feet back into the door
>she freaks out and accidentally bites my cock
>I slap the fuck out of her
>she starts crying
>i hold her and apologize
>awkwardly tell her I love her to try to get her to stfu
>paid off in the long run
>she finishes blowing me and lets me cum in her mouth
>I get home and she's messaging me and telling me she loves me and shit
>she tells me she wants me to take her virginity
>this is too much, I don't even like her
>tell her verbatim "Yeah...I don't really even like you like that. sorry."
>she freaks out
>calls me weeping
>I don't understand how I'm the bad guy, I didn't take her virginity, it's not like I fucked her without even liking her
>I loaned her a jacket once because it was cold out when i walked her home
>She offers to drop my jacket off at my house so I can "give it to the next girl that sucks my dick"
>I reply ".......nahhh. It was from kmart anyway."
I miss that bad ass jacket. huge flannel, maximum warmth.
I would not know how to act if a bitch chewed on my dick like a steak, she'd probably get punched through a wall
Don't cry for ~le jacket /b/ro. (Who doesn't hate mexican women, lmao.)
Need more of those epic tales though.
top kek raptard/10
Lmfao. That reminds me. I have a retard story.
>be 14 or 15
>girl with cerebral palsy likes me
>we literally see eachother like once a year at a christmas party
>this year is different
>she tells me she's gonna blow me and that she can tie a knot in a cherry stem
>i'm kinda creeped out
>i might take the retard blow job though
>show up to christmas get togther
>9/10 chick sitting on couch
>gorgeous makeup on
>long jet black hair
>holy fuck this might make ME retarded
>start hitting on her in front of the retarded girl
>the entire time we're talking and the other girl keeps trying to butt in
>hot chick rolls her eyes
>asks if I want to go on a walk
>hell yes I want to go on this fucking walk
>we go on a walk
>one thing leads to another and I've got this bitch bent over a park bench while my pants are around my ankles
>railing her pussy
>my older sister walks up behind us
>"it's time to go home"
>I freeze up
>the hot girl didn't hear my sister come up
>starts pushing against my cock and makes me cum while my sister is standing behind us
>the ultimate shame
We got back to the house and the retarded chick was super mad at me. She ended up trying to convert me to Christianity and threatened to first kill me and then kill herself.
It was...a whole thing.
lol if that actually happened, there was a semi retarted guy at my highschool that worked for it, he wasnt the type of special where he couldnt hold a fork, he could hold a job as the person that cleans the lunchroom, anyways, hes so fucking funny, end up inviting him to a bonfire, we all get shitfaced, legit anytime there was a bonfire he was always there, bringing beer and having fun
>starts pushing against my cock and makes me cum while my sister is standing behind us
>the ultimate shame
>She ended up trying to convert me to Christianity and threatened to first kill me and then kill herself.
Top kek right here OP. I fucking love you.
common guys there has to be more than 6 or 7 different people in this thread lurking, everyone keep bumping so ops stories dont get cut short
So before I started dating my current girlfriend I was talking to another chick. I stopped talking to her when I realized I was in love with my current girlfriend.
For the sake of a story we'll call the girl bethany and my current girlfriend amber.
>bethany (18), amber (23) and I all worked together
>Bethany and I finish our shifts at the same time
>She offers to give me a ride home
>yeah sure I'll buy you lunch
>so we go to chick-fil-a because I'm fucking classy
>while we're eating she says that she heard that I liked Amber
>she starts asking me what I like about her
>being an absolute idiot I tell her
>eyes, smile, humor, smart, pretty, etc.
>also, perfect 36c.
>"Well I'm a 36c too."
>I tell her that I don't like her like that.
>"I'm not funny? I'm not pretty?"
>tell her she's both funny and very pretty (she was) but that I love Amber and that I'm sorry
>we finish our food
>she gets up and we walk to the car
>pull out of the parking lot
>my house is to the right
>the highway is to the left
>she turns left
>gets on the highway
>holy shit what are you doing bitch
>she grabs my cock and starts screaming about how Amber doesn't want to date someone with a little cock and how Amber doesn't want to date someone 5 years younger than her
>I pull her hand off and she veers through the lanes
>"I'll fucking kill us anon"
>she grabs my cock again
Cont in a second
You guys are what keeps /b/ alive.
>"unzip your fucking pants you asshole"
>unzip my pants
>she's hitting 85, 90
>she starts grabbing my cock
>"YOU CAN'T EVEN GET HARD YOU ASSHOLE. AM I UGLY?"
>no you're not ugly
>she lets go of the wheel
>pulls out her tits
>puts her hand back on the wheel
>"DO THESE MAKE YOU HARD?"
>starts tugging my cock
>I get hard
>I think this might be my fetish
>she starts jerking me off while we're doing 90 on the highway and dodging traffic
>I think of Amber the whole time
>I cum on her dashboard
>red and blue lights as we hit 100
>she pulls her shirt down
>I zip up my pants
>she tells me to act cool
>cop comes up to the window
>makes me show my hands
>he focuses on the dashboard where, between my hands, there is a few streams of cum
>"What the fuck are you two doing?"
>I sheepishly say "Just joyriding officer."
She still got the ticket. You guys are the only people I have ever told about this.
She just thinks she gave me a handjob.
It was traumatizing.
I have a shit ton of stories, this one isn't sex related.
If anyone has stories, share them! Open up another tab and bump this thread while writing your story!
Ill post a story just to kill time
>Be back in highschool
>Was around 15 turning 16
>There was a trainbridge that went over a stream in the forest that had a path on it
>always smoked there
>if you follow down the tracks there was another bridge but cars go on top
>one day we decide to smoke there
>see a guy drinking a 40
>ok whatever we can talk with him
>smells like booze, looked homeless
>I mean if youre sitting under a trainbridge drinking i guess you are
>We start to talk and be friendly
>about to roll up when he reaches into his pocket
>oh shit hes bouta fuck us up
>pulls out a qp from the largest pants pockets ever
>"shits medical, i got a card"
>how the fuck
>He sparks us until we are high as shit
>Thats how we met him
>didnt see him for a while
>I swear on my fucking life i thought he was a miracle worker or something
>We would just so happen to see him if we were out of weed or the person in the gasstation wouldnt sell to us
>still to this day when i drive around near where i grew up i can see him walking around sometimes
>Hes way older now, maybe mid 60s
>dont smoke weed anymore but thinking about that brings back memories
holy shit, that's kind of hilarious. The fuck didn't you take her somewhere and fuck the shit out of her ass?
This is what angry violent revenge sex is made for.
She wanted it, obviously.
Sorry, I lost connection.
This is one of the only pictures not on my FB.
I know I'm a retarded faggot.
Ok, let's share the reason why I don't have many friends! Just for you /b/!
>Some years ago
>Be at school
>We start forming groups for a group work
>I have a realy retarded kid in my class that I hated/hate from the bottom of my hearth.
>Let's call him "Eduardo".
>I'm the last one, only two people remain to form the last group: My bro, and Eduardo.
>"I don't want Eduardo on my group".
>Everyone looks at me in a super shock, like I'm the coldest man in the universe.
>"Why would that be?"
>"I dislike him alot. I don't trust him to do any part of the work, thus he would be useless in our group, like he is in the rest of his life."
>Everyone stares at me coldly.
>I try not to smile and laugh like I feel like doing.
>He starts crying
>Leaves the classroom
>No one speaks to me anymore, only my bro.
>No regrets, felt fucking good.
>Me and my friend goin to a party
>Two interested lookin ladies there one 6 one 7
>Start drinking and having a couple bogs
>Night rolls around and everyone is fucked up
>One kid brings out a bowl some blunt raps and some weed
>get on hosts Trampoline in backyard to smoke with girls
>take 2-3 hits and have a nice cross fade goin
>all the sudden the two girls nod at each other and start going for me and my friend
>there is a god, the 7 goes for me lookin like a 9 in my haze
>me and my bro hook up and finger bang these bitches on a trampoline with like 6 other people on/next to it
>they don't know what to do and kinda just sit there
>no fucks given
Look like a FINE STUD! You should get a fedora though.
How did you get stuck with the retard in the first place?
>Be 20 (now)
>went to festival to see Chevelle (fuck you they're good)
>Stayed for Avenged Sevenfold
>never was a huge fan but they're good as fuck live
>moshing and stuff
>take a break and drink some water
>drugged up hippie woman is going around the circle and trying to pull people in
>they don't want to come
>she punches them
>what the fuck
>I scoot to the edge of the pit so she sees me
>she comes around
>I pull her arm off me
>she slugs me
>I hit her straight in the fucking face
>she drops like a bag of meth
>Her hippie boyfriend comes up
>I hit him too before he can do anything
>he drops too
>Huge skinhead dude grabs me and holds me because he thinks I've gone on a rampage
>I tell him I'm cool
>hippies get dragged out be security
>I somehow don't get pulled out
>continue to mosh
I didn't realize until like the day after that I fucking knocked out a woman.
Not every pussy needs to be fucked. Although I do regret not tasting the honey. Just definitely not that time.
>fingerbang these bitches on a trampoline
Everyone picked their groups, me and my bro were left, and he hand't been picked to any group. Who would pick that guy? lmao. No one liked him, they just didn't have the balls to say anything.
>be in band
>I'm assuming none of you are familiar with G-Unit
>G-Unit was the group 50 Cent was in.
>There was a guy named Yung Buck in his group.
>I'm in a punk band
>we somehow get booked with Yung Buck
>4 other bands on the bill, we're on right before him
>the venue owner decides to drop all of the other bands and make my band play an hour long set
>last minute he's gonna charge everyone who wants to see the "rock band" an extra 10 bucks and charge 15 for Yung Buck
>Only our fans/friends show up
>all of yung buck's fans stay outside because fuck us
>we're a local band at the time
>we have like five songs
>we have an hour set time
>yung buck comes in and listens to us play green day covers
>yung buck was the only other person to come to our show
Super chill dude, hit on my sister the whole time though.
I HAD THIS CUNT FATASS GIRLFRIEND ONCE THAT I WENT OUT WITH SO SHE WOULDN'T KILL HERSELF SHE SAID HAWKWARD ALL THE TIME I HATE THAT SHIT. One day woke up to forty texts saying "I love you anon" Sent her a text saying we're over and never to call me or text me anywhere again. Blocker her number. Broke off all contact, She's in a mental hospital now. No regrets. Fuck that bitch,
I think that's the only time I've hit a woman. I've been in plenty of fights but I've never hit a woman before that.
>fall asleep on couch in livingroom while watching tv
>wake up around 3ish
>decide it's a good idea to start fucking jerking off
>I'm just fucking cranking it like it's the first time I've ever done it
>my dad suddenly walks out of the kitchen with a PB&J and, cackling, he walks through the living room back to the master bedroom
>it was light enough for him to see
>we never discussed this
>she broke up with some dumbfuck so she can be with my friend
>my friend doesn't give a fuck
> I like her, so I start talking to her, eventually we kinda fall in love
>one night I invite her to my house
>mom is gone, so I eat pizza with her and my bro
>she can't say a word, she is constantly laughing because she was so nervous and shy
>we go to bed
>it's going to happen
>I touch her pussy over her clothes
>takes off her pants, she has some kind of boxer
>ask her if she feels ready, we were both virgos
>she says she is not sure
>I keep feeling her clit
>she cums so hard
> mfw I was too "respectfull" to fuck her
He was a total shit head. Got his ass beat by Amon Amarth because he refused to pay them for the tickets they sold.
>my dad and I are living together while the rest of my family is out of town for some stupid shit
>I walk to burger king and meet with some friends
>we walk back to the house
>door is now locked
>"GOD DAMN IT I'M COMING."
>my dad opens the door
>sits down in the livingroom
>I go back to the computer with my friends
>pull it up
>painal double penetration asians
>redhead getting fisted by someone's foot
>go out to living room
>"What the fuck dad."
>"Were you watching porn?"
>"There was fucking double penetration and bondage and some foot shit and shit on my computer"
>"No man that must have been you"
This is a story about how i got a girl to fucking hate me and my soul
>Be back in highschool
>Bros parents were out of the house for the whole weekend
>invites around 20 people over
>theres 2 bottles of smirnoff
>2 handles of fireball and one nasty ass fourloko
>shits going down
>he has a bar in his basement
>shit was getting loud and everyone was getting shitfaced
>I go upstairs to chill with a few people
>half were downstairs half were up
>by that time i was 11 shots and 9 beers deep
>I was about to pass out
>See one of the girls stumbling around about to fall and smash through glass table
Some back story for what happens next
>There was a girl there that couldnt drink because she had a competition or someshit in the early morning
>was the biggest fucking feminist ever
>lets call her Rachel
>I went to go and help that girl not kill herself
>well i guess rachel thought the same too
>She was behind i was in front
>I threw my arms out to grab that girls shoulders
>Punch rachel right in the face
>Im not talking any ordinary punch
>this was some streetfighter combo breaker move to her lower jaw
>Makes the loudest sound
>She like "DONE IM LEAVING"
>She leaves with a girl like 10 mins later
>Go downstairs and tell everyone after she leaves and laugh about it
>By that point i was done
>i ran upstairs to throw up in the toilet and to piss
>Fall on the floor because it feels so nice and cold
>friends lead me downstairs
>Wake up to a swastika on my forehead
>banana in my ear, no fucking peel
>and a throw up stain on the carpet and my whole shirt
>They say i missed like the best parts of the party
>Friend gave me shirt to wear instead of throw up shirt
>Never gave it back and I still have it
Being "respectful" is fine. If you fuck her and she's not comfortable with it, chances are she won't fuck you again.
I have the sex drive of one of those little mice that die within 3 hours. All I do is jerk off and fuck.
>Getting really high in a wash with my buddy
>"Hey, im gonna go take a piss"
>im still smoking
>friend backs up into the wash, looking up toward the street which was out of my view
>he looks nervous as fuck, biting his lip and shaking
>"Good evening, officer"
>grab everything illegal
>fun like fuck
>friend catches up with me
>"dude I was kidding"
Never trusted him again
LMFAO. My buddy did the same shit to one of my friends and he fucking jumped through a window. He had a stolen gun on him.
...I'm glad I don't hang out with those people anymore lol
Respect /b/ro, respect.
>"No man that must have been you"
Top fucking kek. *feels good from laughing man*
>two girls come in, say they want "bff clit piercings"
>have them fill out paperwork, bring them to the back room
>first piercing goes smoothly, girl didn't even flinch
>second girl drops trou
>it's as dense as the amazon rainforest and twice as humid
>try not to retch right then and their
>need to forrage through bin laden-grade pubes to even mark her
>eventually get everything set up, tell her to take a deep breath in and exhale when she's ready
>other girl wants to mess with her friend, makes a fucking barking noise the moment I'm about to pierce her
>we both jump
>hollow needle goes right into her clit
>we all start screaming
>girls are crying and hobbling out the door
>won't let me near her to pull the needle out of her, just keeps blubbering
>doesn't even have her pants all the way on as she leaves the shop
I love my job, but I hate my customers.
>I let him go first since he's the guest
now this is a good host
>Have a girlfriend but parents don't agree with me being a faggot
>parents also hate gf
>decides to not let me see her anymore
>Friends birthday, she's having a sleepover
>doesn't tell mom shes coming so i'll be allowed to go.
>finally see her again after 2 months
>we hang out all day
I hated when my friends used to fuck with me like that when i used to get stoned, one of my friends would always end up in the front of the car and roll down the windows when we were high as shit and say "oh shit its the fucking cops" I used to get so pissed
>be my father
>wargames and whatnot
>tasked with guarding our shitty little fort in the woods
>we have M16s loaded with a certain kind of blank
>enemy keeps coming up to us
>we hold them off
>it quiets down
>we're afraid of a sneak attack
>I'm by myself in the texas cold
>i hear rustling
>enemy soldier is coming over the wall
>instead of firing my gun I take it by the barrel
>swing it like a fucking baseball bat at this guy's legs
>horrible shattering sound
>his shins are sticking out of his legs
>they evacuate him
>he was a lieutenant
>I broke both of his legs
>in war games
>get promoted to Private First Class
My dad is a fucking lunatic but I love him dearly.
>>its as dense as the amazon rainforest and twice as humid
>>try not to retch right then and their
>>need to forrage through bin laden-grade pubes to even mark her
kek'd at bin ladden pubes
>be in high school
>meet a 9/10 asian girl
>interested at first sight
>get to know her
>fast forward a year later
>we talk on the phone regularly
>she gets really horny
>she initiates phone sex
>we start to get feelings for each other
>month later, she becomes first ever gf
>she's somewhat notorious for being a hoe
>she was 9/10
>dat ass was 10/10 tho
>i start to buy condoms just incase
>fast forward a month into our relationship
>we have sex for the first time
>she probably enjoyed it
>i didn't cum at all
>she still gave some good head though
>fast forward 4 months later
>she gets back with her ex
>i get super fucking depressed
>i spiral down mentally
>feeling beta as fuck
>the dude left her after like 2 weeks
>she gets fucked up emotionally
>i just realized i deserve more than a hoe
>she wants to talk again but i just ignore
>start feelin alpha again
This is why high school girls suck. Relationships should really only be serious post-high school.
EVERYONE has that one friend who stays sober and fucks with you.
>Dad and I are chilling with a couple of our friends
>we light up a blunt
>one of my buddies decides it's a good idea to start flinching at us
>it's scaring the shit out of me
>I'm weird high
>He laughs his ass off
>he flinches at my dad
>my dad reflexively knocks him the fuck out
>we all laugh our asses off and pack a bowl while he's laying there on the couch
My dad is the rough ass guy type, always fucks with me, we always square up and box and shit, tells me all of these stories from his childhood growing up in nyc, having a guy as your dad and also your bro is just one of those things that makes me happy
Well fuck 'em. We know now what we should have known then and you'll never be able to convince a highschool kid otherwise.
I'm sitting here with my dog typing all this shit out. Love this bastard.
>Driving in ghetto by myself
>I carry a handgun in my car but I'm too young to carry it concealed
>I forget what I was even doing here
>I like to blare metal in the hood because I hate the chimps that blare rap
>at red light
>Trayvon SR comes up towards car
>I look over
>he motions for me to put me window down
>I crack it
>"Whats up man?"
>"ay what's up boy lemme talk to you for a min"
>pulls out knife
>punches my window and shatters it
>glass in my lap
>nigger on my left
>glass in my face
>I use my left hand to shove him back
>grab my gun
>pull it out and point it right in his face
>he jumps back and throws his knife down
>"ay man I was just playing"
>"man don't kill me man"
>I tell him to take off his clothes or I'll fucking repaint the road with his blood
>he stares at me
>I uncock and recock the gun for dramatic effect
>he gets naked
>I get out of the car
>have him back up 30 feet
>pick up his clothes
>throw them in the backseat
>he tries to reason with me and walks closer to me
>I fire a shot
>he runs like there's a special at KFC
>I get back in my car
>call my dad
>go over to his house
>drink beer and burn the nigger's clothes
i got a story from a few years ago
>be 16,get kicked out of the house by parents
>this 22 year old (lets call him benny)dude says i can crash at his place for a few days. only known him for like a week
>his 7/10 17 yo girlfriend lives next door to him but is at his place pretty much 24/7
>first night we all have some drinks watch a movie and go to sleep. they sleep in his room while i sleep on le living room couch
>next morning i take a shower before school while benny gets off to work
>decide to skip because fuck it i got kicked out of home anyway,good enough of a excuse
>have breakfast with his girlfriend and chit chat a bit,decide to watch forrest gump on dvd
>smoke a joint together while listening to some music before i put the dvd in
>start the movie
>at some point she acts like she needs to get up and get something from the table and falls on my lap
>make out for a few mins,skip the fingerbanging part and go straight at it
>literally fuck her from the 10th minute of the movie until the point where forrest is running around the world
>this goes on for 3 days while he is at work
>make up with parents and go home,cum on her face and into her ass on the last day
>they got married last year
Duly noted. Cum soon.
I love my dad, we drink and smoke pot and watch documentaries and fish and just chill together a lot. I finally understand him now that I'm a man. Glad he'll go to his grave knowing his son loved him like a brother.
You have no honor.
I had a similar situation but the guy's wife was like 4/10.
>we're the only ones home out of like 6 roommates
>she's wearing a nightgown
>lays on the couch with her pussy pointing at me
>spreads her legs
>freshly shaved beef curtains on the menu
>grab my keys and leave
>Be back in highschool
>My old friend owned a really old ford extended cab, 5 tinted all around, shit was fun
>Anyways the car is packed
>We just got done smoking a Half out of bongs, zongs and a gravity bong at my friends house
>We are on like another level stoned
>Driving down a semi crowded road during the day, but not so much at night
>This guy is stumbling in the middle of the street
>Drunk as shit
>we pull off on a street like right next to where he was
>We turn our heads back
>He attacked the car behind us
>So we were like we need to go there and see that lol
>We are like halfway down this long road
>friend throws it in reverse
>dude what the fuck
>we are about to hit hyperspeed in reverse flying down this road
>Screaming at him to stop
>Stops legit an inch infront of a telephone pole
>Drive back onto the main raod
>a few mins after we see an ambulance and 2 cop cars speed past us
>Shit was funny as fuck because i was rekt out of my mind
>at a friend's party
>just out of a relationship, bitch broke my heart and emotional shit
>decide that i can fuck whoever i want now
>get this girl who is a good friend of mine
>she's like a 5/10 but with makeup is 6/10
>pull her aside
>do my wikka magic charm shit
>i can see through her bikini she's wet
>starting to see that she's not that attractive
>try to end conversation
>she asks why im such a pussy
>felt compelled to go through with it
>start making out
>lots of friends come around the corner
>i noticed but they all left
>start to finger her
>she starts moaning
>i cant get fucking hard
>she starts reaching down my pants
>i stop and just walk away and go home
>don't regret it
>Be me 9 years old
>have old buzzlightear rocked pad
>its does not fit anymore so its stuck with buzz inside
>try forcing it but just make the hole bigger
>stupid preteen idea, stick dick inside with lots of shampool
>dick hard, rocket pad shaking, trusting at all my will
>suddenly it breaks appart, buzz is free and land on my side face on rug
>"To infinity, and beyond!"
>mfw i came
>mfw i lost virginity to buzz
>mfw i have no face
>my birthday a few weeks back
>go out, get hammered, end up crashing on my cousin's couch
>this italian chick i've had a bit of chemistry with for the past few weeks is with us
>we get stuck on the couch because its fuckhuge and there arent any spare beds
>cousin cracks a joke - "no fucking on the couch guys, i use my laptop here"
>"dw gurh, you can rest easy" italian says
>cousin goes to bed
>a few minutes go by
>she reaches out for my hand
>puts my hand down her shirt
>nice tits babe
>start feelin her up
>she gets up and straddles me
>we start making out
>mfw we stealth fuck on my cousin's couch at 5:00 a.m
I told my cousin a few days later and she flipped shit, lmao
So I'm in a shitty situation now and after moving back from another city I ended up moving back to my parents with my girlfriend.
I sleep in the livingroom on the couch and she sleeps in the guest bedroom.
Every morning when my dad goes to work we fuck.
>dad is gone
>i know where this is going
>go into the guest bedroom
>lay next to her on this tiny ass bed
>grab her tits from behind
>this mattress sucks so we can't do it missionary
>pull her to the edge of the bed
>bed is really high (captain's bed)
>i'm on my tip toes while I'm simultaneously holding her up
>keep losing my boner
>she gets mad at me
>I'm mad so I tell her that if she wants me to fuck her she shouldn't just lay there like an idiot
>"well now I'm not sucking you"
>go in bathroom
>beat off on toilet
>as I cum one of the cats creeps out from behind the toilet and starts rubbing my ankles
My Shame Is True.
My current relationship (over a year so far) started in high school, but it was about 2 months before graduation so it was almost post-high school
Pretty sure that's one of the factors that have contributed to us still being together
Another good one, me and my buddy do a lot of stupid shit
>destroying an xbox because its been broken for years and we just got a new one
>My friend, his girlfriend, and little brother and sister all came along
>smashing this thing to bits
>I throw it one last time
>heave it onto the ground
>friend's little sister screams
>hands are COVERED in blood
>slashed the skin between my index finger and thumb
>wrapped a dishcloth around it for like 3 days
>finally went to urgent care
>almost got gangreen
I still have the scar
I've had such a rough fucking day. Thank you OP for putting a smile on my face. LOL'd at all of these.
Have a few of my own, might post.
I'm 4th generation, Sicilian. Well my dads mothers family was from Naples, besides that Sicilian all the way. I want to immigrate to Italy one day. Do you ever think about that? Have you ever visited Sardinia?
Fuck yes they are. Eat them when you're hungover.
They're not like good for hangovers or anything, they're just delicious.
I have a story for everything, I have a story for butterscotch (also good for hangovers)
>Decide to walk to the mall with my two buddies at 9pm
>mall is 6 miles away
>we have no money
>figure we'll be fine with no water
>we are not fine
>we are dehydrated and becoming delusional
>we have no money
>start scrounging the side of the highway for coins
>we're almost at 60 cents
>one of my buddies sees something shine
>runs into the road and bends over to pick up a coin
>as he stands back up he gets hit in the fucking face by a car's mirror
>my other buddy and I drag him off the road
>but that quarter though...
>I run back out and grab it.
>it's a fucking penny
>corner store is a half block away
>leave my buddies
>I pick up more coins on the way there
>we now have $1.06
>i walk into store
>dirty and tired
>it's like 11pm now
>I see butterscotch for 99 cents
>nothing else in the store for that price
>i buy it
>my buddy is awake
>we sit on the side of the road and eat butterscotch while my buddy softly sobs until my dad comes and picks us up.
to be honest im 22 years old now so it was 6 years ago and i still feel bad about it.
but i was fucking 16 years old back then and if you put free 7/10 pussy in a normal 16 year olds face he will take it.
also i turned me on so hard that she was willing to cheat on her boyfriend with me. maximum confidence boost even if it sounds pathetic
Go for it my friend.
I'm about to receive about 200k in cash and 500k in stocks as an inheritance. It's my dream, Sardinia looks like the fucking bahamas.
Sorry to disappoint, just close your eyes and imagine patrick stewart.
>Be me junior year of high school
>Have 3 friends, we always hang together over summer because I'm out of town during school
>Shitty day for my friend, got into fight with bitch gf, break up for the second time now
>I know she's gonna try to get back together with him
>She's already calling him
>I steal dads bottle of absolute vodka
>the 4 of us go to park by my house and drink the whole thing
>The only reason I know how much I had to drink is because I was keeping tally on my arm.
Later I found out i supposedly had 21 shots of vodka
From what I remember of the night, my friends and I streaked around the park at 10pm at night and then carried our clothes to the house.
>Back at my house
>friends exgf is calling, and he's too drunk to even understand what a phone is
>he starts puking everywhere
>friend 2 is puking everywhere
>friend 3 and I barely have our wits and apparently cleaned all the vomit that night.
Only reason I know parts of this story is from what friend 3 told me. What i remember the most vividly was trying to dress my friend after he puked all over himself. I pulled down his boxers, but I fell forward and headbutted him in the nuts. At one point friend 3 had to pick up vomit with his bare hands because my friend puked into the wrong side of the kitchen sink and it wouldn't drain. He's a real bro.
All in all it was a good night.
Anon, you're chill as fuck. Honored to have met you my /b/ro
>mfw I have a similar story
>watching TV in the living room
>it's kinda loud but I give no shits
>switch to Inception, cause I like that fucking movie
>10 minutes late it switches automatically to porn
>I go to change the channel and it says 'Are you sure you want to change the channel an stop recording'
>DAD! COME HERE
>he walks in
>Why are you watching porn in my living room
>Dad, seriously, why'd you set it to record porn
>i didn't, you must be watching something
>No Dad, you're recording TV porn
>I am not, you must have done something
>Damnit dad, I have a laptop for this, just admit you we're recording porn
>he just changes the channel and says 'stop watching porn in the living room'
Yeah, once I'm done with school and I get enough money I'm going to Italy. I'd like to live in Sicily if I can find a decent job there. If not I can settle for something on the mainland.
>landscaping for my uncle
>we blow the garbage/leaves from the street onto the lawn then run it over with the mower
>im blowing garbage onto the lawn
>my brother is on the ride on mower
>he runs over the garbage
>paper is scatered all over the lawn
>mfw my brother just mulched an envelope of hundred dollar bills
I hate vodka.
This story is why.
>my sister is moving
>last night in her apartment
>get together with a bunch of my friends
>couple bottles of vodka
>try to pet her cat
>little bastard starts fucking me up
>throw the shithead
>some chick shows up who I seriously dislike
>we were taking shots out of the bottle cap
>she takes a shot out of it
>I stare in disgust
>start drinking from my bottle
>fast forward to about 3 hours later
>three quarters of this bottle are gone
>all my friends are outside running around
>my manlet friend is running around completely naked
>massive cock for his size, like 5 inches soft
>woman walking her dog sees him
>he runs up to her
>slaps the dog with his cock
>runs away ass naked
>she just laughs and is a creepy old lady
>we make our way back inside
>I've decided to run everywhere because running is faster than walking and since I'm drunk this is the best thing since sliced bread
>I run into the bathroom
>manlet is puking his guts out
>i've got to piss
>I've been pissing in the sink all night
>it's time for something new
>I see my sister's cat
>look at my cat scratch marks on my arm
>time for revenge
>start pissing on him
>he wakes up
>I piss in his stupid cat mouth
>he starts gagging
>runs from me
>chase him and keep pissing all over him
Then I finished my bottle and ended up blacking out and woke up in a puddle of puke. My bros rolled me over to keep me from choking.
i don't know if I have any good sex stories I can think of off the top of my head but here's the time I'm pretty sure I witnessed a murder.
>All my friends from college have become shitty hipsters and all live in Brooklyn NYC
>I live in Manhattan but go to a loft party they're throwing
>Good party but get too drunk so I start heading back home
>On the train that goes from Brooklyn to Manhattan, it suddenly stops before it goes into Manhattan, train isn't going anywhere
>Pass out, then wake up, I'm at the end of the line in Brooklyn
>Immediately puke all over myself and the train car
>Drunkenly think "oh shit... I have to move seats so people don't know I puked!"
>Still covered in puke, move like, 5 seats down
>Whole ride to manhattan am trying not to fall asleep again
>Blink my eyes, and suddenly I'm at the same stop I was just at going in the wrong direction
>Get off the train to get on one going the right way
>When I get off there's like, 10 guys, lined up 5 on each side, shouting at each other, clearly about to fight
>I have to walk past them to get to my train
>Brush past them trying not to make eye contact, as I walk by I hear someone say "OH YOU GOT A KNIFE YOU FUCKING PUSSY?"
>Get to the other side of the tracks just in time to see two of them "hug", then everyone else run off
>One of the guys from the hug is the only one still left, he's stumbling around
>He collapses onto a waiting seat, pukes up more blood then i've ever seen in my life, right as my train comes whizzing by and obscures my vision
I fell asleep one more time, my roommate who left the party two hours after me got home at the same time as me.
Also, OP, how the fuck did you manage to find a girl with a similar sex drive, lucky fucker. I'm at a similar sex drive level, not at all gay but I've been desperate and horny and don't give a fuck who's blowing me at that point.
One of my short stories.
>be 14, around 6'3" and about 200 pounds
>legs were all muscle from 8 years of soccer and kick boxing
>see my crush (7.84/10) getting harassed by older jock that got held back
>guy was a total douche and thought he was top dawg
>walk up to douche, tell him to knock it off
>hasnt looked at me yet "what are you gonna do, faggot?
>he turns his head, has to look up to look in my eyes
>douche's face goes white
>push him away from crush
>walk up, grab his hair
>two right hooks to the jaw
>accidentally falcon punch his solar plexus
>gasping for breath
>knee him in the head, throw him back
>walk up to crush
>she hugs me and thanks me
>we start talking and end up dating for a year, then she moved to england
Also, god damn. I saw someone get shot once.
>go to church because jesus loves me duh
>mom insists on going to some church in the ghetto
>my dad doesn't want her to take us
>She takes us in the mornings while he's at work anyway
>priest is pretty chill, I can see the appeal
>99% sure he never raped anyone
>church was on a corner
>guy walking on sidewalk
>car pulls up
>nigger jumps out
>puts gun to the guy's head and pulls the trigger
>they peel out and leave
pretty traumatic. we ended up having our car stolen there. Love my mom but she's retarded.
ah. I had a gf for 3 years but a big kill in the relationship was the sex drive difference. she also was god awful at blow jobs so that really didn't help because she didn't really have anything to help me with when she wasn't horny. single now and just have like 4-5 girls I fuck on a rotating basis. Still isn't enough :(
I got a girl to give me head once on her birthday, but that's really all of the story. Here's another though.
>senior year of high school
>girl i've been off and on with (never dated) for 3 years always comes over with two friends
>have a bench swing on my front porch that we always sit on
>everyone gone but my sister
>her friend texts at 11pm saying she's coming over
>she gets there, talk and what not
>starts talking about how she's done with guys
>not listening much
>"i just want to have fun"
>"then go have fun" i say
>"that's why i came here
>tell sister i'm going to the park
>park is in the neighborhood, and the only entrance is inside the neighborhood, chest high fence surrounds the outside
>go to park and walk secluded part where cars can't see us, and neither would anyone who comes in the park
>making out like crazy
>grabbing her tits, suck on them
>her tits are amazing, even though she's like a 6/10
>puts her hand in my pants, starts rubbing my cock
>bends over to give me head, not on her knees just bent over
>starts blowing me
>feels bretty good
>few minutes later about to cum
>tell her, but she said she wants to know what cum tastes like
>takes me mouth off
>first big shot of cum shoots OVER her, cleared her completely
>the rest drips all over her arms and my shoes
>mfw my shoes still had the stain until i got rid of them
Pretty good night
I know how you feel. My girlfriend has like a regular sex drive, we've fucked every day this week. I could fuck like at least 3 times a day. I'm just always horny. I've also had a full chest of hair since I was 14.
>finished freshman year of college at bing
>come home for winter break
>next door neighbor is 2/10 cunt
>hang out with her bc friends are hot
>over her house drinking
>one of her 9/10 friends is over
>flirting with her the whole night
>we are all sitting at a table drinking
>she grabs my dick under the table
>i take her into the other room and start hooking up
>rub her pussy through her pants and grab her dd tits
>time to leave house
>friend is sleeping over the bitches house
>i txt friend to stay up while i get condoms
>mfw im a virgin about to bury my dick in this hot piece of ass
>run 2 miles to cvs bc i cant drive drunk
>buy condoms but too tired to run back
>ask meth head to drive me home
>ride in backseat of the shitiest car i have ever seen with her coked out son and their pitbull
>go to the back door with condoms
>friend opens the door to let me in
>light from the stairs comes on
>tell her to hide but I dont have time to close the door
>mfw door is slightly ajar while i hide behind the door frame
>mfw door slams shut and I get a txt from the cunt "your not in college anon, go home"
>mfw cockblocked by this fucking cunt
Guess I'm lucky there then. Myself and my girl R have been together 3 and a Half years. I'm horny pretty fucking often, but literally she's almost never NOT horny when we're at home. Jesus. One month back last fall before she joined me in college she came to visit. And we had 3-5 hour sex at least 3 times a day. I failed that semester. It was worth it.
I think it's time for a story.
>bored as fuck
>look around the classroom
>catch 7/10 latina chick looking at me
>at this point in my life, i was beta as fuck. never had a girl even look at me twice
>think "I fucked up again"
>she instead, giggles, turning back to the front of the class
>meet latina chick at her locker
>talk for a bit and agree to sit together at lunch
>12 rolls around
>see latina chick
>it takes her a bit to spot me amongst the sea of people
>a lot in common
>talking like old friends
>suddenly feel pressure on my crotch
>freeze up for a second before glancing down
>it's her foot
>she ended up giving me a footjob under the table for the rest of lunch
Yeah no homeboy was super fucking dead.
First (female) anal story.
>older sister is 15
>she constantly has her hot ballerina friends over
>this one chick is a year older than me
>we're watching a movie late at night
>girl is on the phone with her boyfriend
>I'm talking shit to him for no reason
>start telling him my cock is huge and his girlfriend would rather suck mine
>don't know why I was being such an asshole
>she hangs up after a while
>movie is ending
>my sister says she's going to bed
>her friend says her and I are just gonna watch another movie
>put on star wars (lmao)
>sit next to girl
>she starts asking me all sorts of shit
>bitch I'm trying to watch Yoda get his Jedi on
>she asks if my dick is big
>I tell her it is
>wants to see it yada yada yada
>I have her bent over the couch
>she doesn't wanna lose her virginity
>jam it into her asshole
>dry fucking her asshole
>cum in her ass
>eat her out afterwards to keep her from crying
>Do or do not
>there is no try
>>ask meth head to drive me home
>>ride in backseat of the shitiest car i have ever seen with her coked out son and their pitbull
You are the fucking chosen one.
>be me 14
>football captain is giving me ride home from practice along with black teammate
>shirts off because it was like ninety degrees out at the practice
> captain says hope we don't get stopped by cop
> turn first corner and see police sitting onside of road
>captain can only have one none family member and car
> we play it cool
> we pass the cop and then the black guy leans out the window and flips off the cop
> cop gives no shits and stays parked
Honestly I don't know. My brother in law told me I couldn't nail her. I already liked her so I was just like "wanna bet?"
He still owes me 300 bucks.
I'd have to say probably the first time I wrote a song about her and felt that funny feeling in my stomach start to surface. It was like all of my past loves but somehow deeper, it felt more real. It was more defined.
I would hear songs on the radio and think of her.
I would dream of her.
I would think of her all the time.
Though I can't pinpoint it for sure, it would probably have to be when I felt guilty for jerking off to her.
That's how you know you love a woman.
>playing with part of G-Unit
Don't make me get into shitty definitions of proto punk post core hard metal stab core bullshit.
Also, if you don't consider Greenday to be punk then you're just a fucking tryhard.
>kissed like 2 girls(still virginfag)
>new gf who has a kid
>talk to gf on the phone a lot
>gf is huge whore
>too oblivious to see
>gf whines about babys dad all the time
>have date on sunday taking her to matinee like a gentlebro
>be Saturday GF calls crying says she needs me
>go over to her house and walk in the cold while she holds her baby
>go to her house
>shirt comes off
>her kids watching the whole time
>look at kid "can't do this"
>"you're a pussy anon"
>picks up phone calls babys day
>compelled to fuck her in front of kid
>finger bang her until she hangs the phone up
>baby at the foot of the bed
>fuck her, lose virginity with baby watching
>mfw donkeykicked baby in the when i came
Weird that you have the 904 area code OP, I was just in the neck of the woods for a cruise. Gotta say, Jacksonville is a really shitty city. If I lived in FL 8/8 gr8 b8 would hang out and fuck shit up until L8.
I'd have 12 with you. Either go all out or go home buddy.
Too bad /b/ is full of some seriously weird people or we could have a meetup like the other boards do.
I could get drunk and play wonderwall 20 times for you guys.
Yeah, I just recently moved back. I'm debating whether or not to join this Police Force or if I want to work somewhere else. I'm thinking Baker county.
God damn. That is one stone cold bitch.
Hahahhaha this shit had me rollin man. "That's how you know you love a woman" Real talk nigga. I know all those feelings right now man.
> be my uncle
> he goes to see newest rocky movie
> everyone gets pumped because it's rocky
>audience is all high school students from rival high schools
> they all go out onto beach and have a full out brawl
>cops have to break it up
>Be 3 years old
>Don't know where the bowl thing is
>Carrying Buzz Lightyear toy
>Flip up his helmet
>Put him on the floor
>Put asscheeks to his face
>Shit in his face
>Close his helmet
>Put him by the trash can in the corner
>A few hours later
>Hear somebody yelling
>My mother found it and is now screaming
>She cleans out his helmet and sterylizes it
>Buzz forever had a look of fear and disgust
>And also a small brown dot of shit in a hole on his face
>the feel when you've never been in a brawl
It's god damned 2:21am.
Why is everyone up?
I'm up because for some reason I'm living on my dad's couch and I was supposed to watch Archer and I started this thread.
Whores fuck scum bags.
Scum bags don't know how to fuck.
I've never understood why guys can't make a chick cum with just their dick. There has to literally be something wrong with them that they can't just instinctively do it.
I need to live somewhere white.
come to think of it I guess I have one sex story
>kinda depressed, girl I was dating briefly suddenly friendzoned me out of nowhere
>1 pm on a tuesday, go to check out craigslist casual encounters
>some random chick who says she wants to have lunch
>go to have lunch, she's chill
>we even talk about the girl that friendzoned me, she doesn't give a fuck
>not really my type but half columbian half fillippino, hot as fuck
>we have quick lunch then go back to her place for quick fuck
>not really sure what she does but she lives in really nice apartment in manhattan, rich as fuck
>we end up hooking up a couple more times throughout the summer
>it ends because she's spending her winter in florida because she hates NY winters
>she randomly invites me to spend a week in florida that she'll cover
>say no because I can't just randomly pack up to florida
>When I say no she says something like "is it because youre still into that girl you told me about? you know my friend knows her she gets around you should get tested."
>When I ask for any kind of detail about how she knows the girl she says "it's not my place to say", is clearly lying.
>kind of put off, stop texting her back
>don't hear from her until next summer when she randomly texts me a naked picture of herself
>she's back in town, we predictably fuck again
>afterwards we're chilling in bed, she's asking me what kind of things I'm into and not into, sexwise
>don't remember the specific but she asks if I'm into something and I say "eh naw not really"
>she says "Wow, really? My clients are usually really into that."
>"My clients! Duh. I didn't tell you I'm a high tier escort?"
>Bitch is like, a 2k an hour escort
>Says "Oh don't worry I get tested like every week. Hey actually some of my clients would probably be into watching us fuck, I could throw you a couple hundred dollars, we'd be a team!"
>This is just too fucking much for me, leave
She still texts me random naked pictures of herself every summer.
That's what I meant. Some lunatic would chain us all up and rape us.
Also, I would never go to a /b/ meetup. Just the guys from this thread.
Except the guy who called me ugly.
I'd get him drunk and then fuck his asshole raw.
it's the white trash/nigger thing to do right now. Just suddenly turn into bulldykes.
just because you're a nasty cunt nobody wants to fuck doesn't make you a lesbian.
Pick a subject matter, chances are I have a story. I'm getting tired so it's harder to think of one off the top of my head.
Up drinking a bottle of champagne I found in the basement fridge, lurking /b/, and listening to "Life in the Fast Lane" by the Eagles. My night had no fuckin meaning until i found this thread with your stories. Mad props /b/ro.
Couldn't have said it better myself, I met up with said dyke last summer and fucked her
Not everywhere is effected by the latest round of autism.
I lied, just remembered a story about being tired.
>Drive to miami, then to naples, then back to jacksonvile
>i'm falling asleep
>let my buddy drive
>blare my shitty hawthorne heights CD
>roll down windows
>try to stay awake
>I keep dozing off
>I notice my buddy is dozing off too
>I reach over and slap the fuck out of him
>next thing I remember is seeing 40 cops pointing their guns at someone on the side of the highway
>screaming over a bullhorn "GET THE FUCK ON THE GROUND MOTHER FUCKER!"
>"DROP IT MOTHERFUCKER DROP IT!"
>wakes us both up
>we graze the guard rail
>wide awake the rest of the drive
> be me on lax team
> we start boxing with helmets and lax gloves which are basically boxing gloves
> ass hole who hates me challenges me to fight
> I decide if I exude confidence he will back down
> roll up to practice listening to ice cube and holding my lax stick like its clouds fucking sword
> kid pussies out
> other d-bag challenges me to fight
> new d-bag is a lot more in shape
> I ain't a bitch so I accept
> I have never been in a fight and this guy has fucking martial arts training so I'm getting my ass kicked
>I'm like fucking rocky in rocky iv
>original d-bag rolls up and sucker punches me
> I jump on him and start beating the shit out of him
>captain breaks it up
>mfw I was alpha as fuck
Wow. How do you feel knowing you were getting a high-priced escort for free? It's a cringey that she wanted to mix you up in her work like that, but if you simply said no and casually fucked her, wouldn't that have been fine?
I'd hit it.
I have a few, hold tight.
I'll make another thread if this 404s.
This is a little tale about the first time I smoked pot
>hanging out at my sisters house with my dad
>we're all drinking
>my dad says "I could go for a fucking joint right now man"
>I know a guy
>I call my buddy
>he says he can get it for us
>my sister and I go pick him up
>he brought like 4 friends
>I'm wasted and I love him and his friends so it's whatever
>wander around to like 3 houses trying to score
>finally get one
>we get back
>it's been like an hour
>takes my buddy forever to roll this thing
>I chug 5 beers in the meantime, take two shots of whiskey
>my buddy finally has it rolled
>we all go outside and start smoking
>dis is bretty good man
>I keep asking "When does it kick in?"
>coughing so bad
>nothing is happening
>goes around the circle
>smoke it again
>nothing is happening
>goes around the circle
>go to take it
>holy shit nigga wat
>I smoke it
>I'm all wobbly
>my dad is laughing his ass off
>we finish 3 more and go inside
>I'm sitting there fucking blazed out of my mind
>we put on Wilfred
>my dad is laughing his ass off
>girl next to me is freaking out
>she's never smoked either
>"I'm gonna OD! I feel weird! What do I do?"
>I turn to her "you shut the fuck up is what you do"
>sit there holding some random nigger chick I never met while watching Wilfred and devouring cheetos
DUDE IM FROM NAPLES
That reminds me of the time I randomly fucking drove to Miami with a buddy of mine
We smoked blunts all the way down Alligator Alley and then hit up all the Miami clubs
>mfw we ended up going to this crazy celebrity-ish afterparty at a waterfront mansion
>did cocaine for the first time in my life
>tried to flip a smart car
>got it up on 2 wheels before my friend stopped me
That was a night I shouldn't have survived
>freshman in college
>go out to the bars one night
>hit on some random (7/10) chick
>find out where she lives on campus
>get to my room much later in the night 3:00
>get a txt from her telling me to come over
>sprint across campus bc her dorm is too far and i fear she may change her mind, im very drunk/high
>get to her room
>she is waiting for me in the hall
>lets me in and we undress and hook up in her bed
>I go down on her bc why not
>reach for the condom only to be stopped by her, "I don't do that"
>Can you at least go down on me, I went down on you
>"I don't do that either"
>I forgot we were still in highschool
>then you should be comfortable on your knees
>"uhgh, your so rude"
>sorry, i didn't mean it
>"its ok" starts giving me a handy
>I have whisky dick so this is going nowhere
> I think im gona go
>"Why anon? you don't want to sleep here"
>I have class
>mfw bitch calls me to come over a week latter and gives me another dry handy
at this point in my life? it feels kind of good, not gonna lie, haha. I'm a decently attractive guy (7/10, maybe 8 on a good day?) but I'm not sure what I did to get that for free.
However, at the time, all I was thinking about is how I might literally have AIDS. she was REALLY into fucking raw, insisting that it was more "natural."
That plus the fact that I had known her for almost a year and she had never mentioned she was an escort and acted like she had told me, her weird lies about claiming she knew the girl I was dating before and talking shit about her, etc, all really set a precedent. I didn't really trust her.
The last time I talked to her was actually a couple weeks ago and she said that she had just given a guy a blumkin and it was really fun and she wanted to try it with me.
Like, she's actually insane.
Now i'm listening to "Across the Universe" by the Beatles. Super fuckin chill right now.
Story about my first time smoking.
>be me, 16 years old, sophomore in high school
>spring break, 2 senior friends wanna get me high
>go over to friend's house, parent's aren't home
>asks if i wanna smoke a couple bowls
>we smoke in his garage, then go inside and start eating cereal
>it was my first time and we smoked 3 bowls so i felt it
>we're fuckin ripped eating Rice Krispies
>out of the fuckin blue i say "guys I think i'm stonered"
>we all start cracking up like hyenas
>second time smoking
>we smoke 2 blunts
>i fell asleep standing up in my buddy's backyard twice and stumbled backwards like a dumbass
>go home and jerk off in the shower
That's what I've been doing for like the past month. It's terrible.
>at my sister's house again (shenanigans always happen there)
>buddies come over
>we light up across the pond behind her house
>super fucking stoned
>one of our buddies wants to fish
>"guys go get the gear"
>it's in the house
>we go inside
>spongebob is on
>we sit down
>watch 3 episodes of spongebob and smoke another blunt
>our friend wanders in and asks what we're doing
>"watching spongebob you son of a bitch"
>his back is covered in leaves
>"I was laying out there waiting for you guys"
>in the dirt
God damn I miss them.
well by my tally so far it's the same girlfriend like 4 times
some chick that gave me a forced handjob
some chick from when I was 13/14
some chick from when I was 15
and a guy.
>Local neighbor kid and I have been friends for a while
>I'm better friends with his brother but we still chill sometimes
>we walk to the store and buy some K2
>go over to my sister's house
>I start hallucinating
>start leaning on stuff because leaning on stuff means you're a cool guy and I know for a fact that I'm just the coolest fucking guy
>Smoke a cigarette like a fucking bad ass
>my shoes are sitting on the porch
>those fuckers think they can just sit there and pretend to be cats?
>fuck you shoes
>I pick one up and scream at it "YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING CAT YOU PIECE OF SHIT"
>sister's neighbors are walking past me with their dog
And that was the last time I smoked K2
>be me 17 years old
>have 6/10 girlfriend of year and a half
>have sex raw dog on the regular because she's on birth control patches
>go to have sex
>says she's not into it
>try and get some for the next hour
>she gives it up and starts dirty talking
>finish up go to bed
>next day she breaks up with me
>claims I raped her
>mfw when she's now a crazy feminist with "ptsd"
>mfw I have no face
One more story
>in high school there was two kids who garnered the nicknames cheech and chong from how much pot they smoke
>anyways cheech is in his attic smoking a joint
>finishes and leaves
>goes back to attic 15 minutes later and it still smells like pot
>Cheech thinks wtf
> figures out attic is on fire
>brother also stones watching the office refuses to leave house because it's a good episode of the office
>fire men carry him out
> cheech tells parents he was playing with matches
>only has to go to fire safety classes once a week for 4 weeks
Damn I hope that's not rape because I do that all the time. If you're not in the mood I'm going to whine until you suck my cock. Or I just remind you how good this dick is.
>on baseball team
>coach tells us whoever can throw the most underhanded without dropping it doesn't have to run laps
>me and my buddy are dicking around as always
>we're on the other side of a shipping container they used to store shit
>tossing the ball back and forth when I hear a noise
>I look towards it and everything goes black
>i wake up in a ditch with blood coming out of my mouth
>this kid knocked me the fuck out
>dragged me into a ditch
>"Anon are you okay? I'm sorry"
>I go to talk
>my tooth is pushed back and another one is missing
>I pass back out
>wake up in ER
Kid had a hell of an arm.
Currently fucking a 24 year old with a kid on a daily basis.
She's fucking kinky as shit though, and has that birth control implant so no condoms.
Is this situation as bad as I'm making it? I don't know if what I'm doing is wrong, or way too fucking right
I'm getting tired guys. I might watch an episode of Archer and then go to bed. I'll see about posting another thread with a similar starter image tomorrow. I'll be hanging out for a bit though.
I'm saying, I'm pretty sure that's not rape. she refused to talk to me for a while after she broke it off with me.
When she told me I raped her I actually thought it was from the time I stuck it in her ass without telling her what I was up to.
>without telling her what I was up to
You scheming little Jew.
Yeah I normally only post to point out peoples stupidity or to talk about guitars.
I love guitars.
>>my shoes are sitting on the porch
>>those fuckers think they can just sit there and pretend to be cats?
>>fuck you shoes
>>I pick one up and scream at it "YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING CAT YOU PIECE OF SHIT"
>>sister's neighbors are walking past me with their dog
Also saved mentally.
>mfw i got attached to this thread and I don't want it to 404
>hanging out with wifes fam
>smokin,smokin weed, drankin
>old dude from next door has a one hitter
>"lemme hold that little one hitter"
>puff one, puff two, exhale
>later, not feeling well
>laying on the linoleum floor in the bathroom having a seizure
>"god damn it im going to die"
>3 hrs later im ok
>found out later that was the first time i smoked a wet.
I was that sober friend that fucks with stoner friends
>four stoner friends have munchies
>go to local 24hr diner
>no one there but me and stoner friends
>they're really awkward around the waitress being so stoned
>i'm hitting on her like a badass
>everyone quiet as hell
>challenge them to the loud game
>word is fat cock
>they don't want to do it
>i say fat cock
>they're wigging out
>i'm laughing my ass off
Never see them after that night
First greentext, long time lurkfag. Here goes.
First a little bit of background…
>White, 5’ 8” af 14
>Inb4 no such thing as a white Mexican
>Go to major football game,
>Family owns a VIP box
>Corona girls (basically strippers) parade before every game
>Little me want’s to play.
>sitting next to dad and godfather,
>”I gotta take a shit.”
>Smooth as fuck
>make way to the bathroom which is at the back
>jack off furiously to the thought of the girls on the field
>5 min later
>”Is everything okay?”
>”Yes, just having a hard time shitting”
>Smooth as shit
>About to finish
>Go over to sink, which is right beside the door
>Don’t hear door open
>Dad is standing there for like a full five seconds
>”what the fuck Anon… Here?”
>Look at him
>”Then what the fuck is THAT”
>Hands now holding spaghetti
>Spaghetti all over the sing
>Spaghetti on the fucking mirror
SO how have you gotten caught /b/?
>Go fishing with my dad and my brother-in-law (best friend)
>we have two 36 packs
>we decide that it is our fucking destiny to eat 30 mcchickens
>brother-in-law isn't too fucked up
>he drives me to mcdonald's while my dad stays with the fishing gear
>get to mcdonald's
>nothing but chubby nigger bitches
>I start hitting on one or two
>order 30 mcchickens
>"I need thirty mchickens and a side of your digits"
>get her number
>keep hitting on her since it's taking a half hour to cook these fucking things
>end up daring her to kiss me
>kiss a fat nigger bitch at mcdonalds
>get back to the bridge with our prize
>devour it like smeagol and that one fish
>throw it all up
I spent like 40 bucks on that shit.
I have a K2 story
>I'm hanging out with some buds
>my dude I usually smoke with just ran out and is smoking K2
>He offers to smoke me out
>I've never done K2 before
>sure, why the fuck not
>I take a pretty big hit
>I feel super goddamn high
>I don't stop getting high though
>I fucked up, I fucked up bad.
>I'm stumbling all over the fucking yard
>I think I'm standing still
>people ask me if I'm okay and shit
>I can only say "yeah"
>I am very obviously not okay.
>One of my friends finally gets me to stand still
>he gets me to sit down
>asks me if I can hold myself up
>fall backwards and pass the fuck out
>They wake me up five minutes later
>my ears are ringing like fuck and I feel like I'm going blind
>some reason I feel like I'm wrapped in a very light weight packing foam
>freshman in college
>lake tahoe snowboard trip
>my buddies and i are all blazing it up on the lift
>realize we're going down a double black diamond
thats extreme difficulty for you faggots who don't snowboard
>high as fuck going down this rugged fucking mountain at top fucking speed
>reach maximum velocity
>decide its a good time to start breaking
>can't slow down
>too high to do anything
>i bail off my board
>hit so many trees down the mountiain
>so fucked up i almost black out
>got flown off the mountain to the emergency room in a helicopter
>instantly put on morphine or some shit
>crossfaded as fuck on a helicopter
>ended up with 28 different broken bones and a sever concussion
>going snowboarding next winter
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That's a good reaction. This is upload roulette, anon. Anything goes.
bumping with butts
>walk in to random restaurant one day for a sports banquet
>I see cheech and we lock eyes
>he was a busboy at the restaurant
> he looked stones as usual
>Later I'm sitting at a table at the banquet
>cheech walks in with a plate and starts eating
> my mom gives him death stare because she heard cheech is a major pothead doesn't want me talking to Him
> ask cheech if he's allowed to walk into the banquet
> he says no
> later on the mini golf course near the restaurant
> I'm like fucking tiger woods s
> shoot ball into hole with pipe
> ball gets stuck
> I'm like wtf
> poke ball and stuff out off pipe
> a fucking bag of weed was blocking it
> fucking cheech
Here's about one of the times I was really high at work.
>smoke a bowl in my car
>come into work
>our work attire is either black pants or khaki pants
>my boss is wearing blue jeans
>this nigger is always on my ass when I wear my jeans
>I'm the manager that night so hes talking to me about shit
>he's telling me what we need to get done tonight, budget, etc
>entire time I'm staring
>he's wearing blue fucking jeans and I'm never allowed to wear blue jeans
>"Did you hear me anon?"
>"You're wearing blue jeans."
>"You're wearing blue jeans. I'm never allowed to wear my blue jeans."
>"I'm going somewhere after this."
>"you're here now aren't you."
He realized I was stoned out of my fucking mind and left.
>my old work uniform
OP you are an italian god among men
>back in highschool
>working at dominoes
>always flirt with this cute as fuck coworker
>tell her i need help in the walk in freezer
>she walks in
>tell her i need help with the sausage
>start making out
>her nips are hard as fuck in the freezer
>bend her over and fuck her right in the freezer
>boss walks in right as shes about to cum
>mfw only get written up
I'm dating a girl 5 years older than me, that should count for something.
I did once have a scary encounter with one
>at friends house
>his mom is DD milf status
>we're watching avatar
>order on couch is Friend, mom, me
>her gun collecting husband is in the next room
>she's under the blanket
>asks me if I'm cold
>think of the guns
>naw I'm good
>she puts the blanket on me anyway
>creeps towards me
>puts her head on my shoulder
>known fact that she screws around on her husband
>i am terrified
>she puts her hand on my thigh
>I move it off
>she puts it back on
>I nervously chuckle
>move it away again
>she grabs my cock
>I shriek and stand up
>claim I had a sudden back pain
>go to the bathroom and just sit in there
One of the last times I stayed the night there. I did see her naked a couple times though, she'd always try to get me to catch her.
She'd never tell people she was in the bathroom, she'd use the common bathroom and leave it unlocked. Left her door open while changing, etc.