[Boards: 3 / a / aco / adv / an / asp / b / biz / c / cgl / ck / cm / co / d / diy / e / fa / fit / g / gd / gif / h / hc / his / hm / hr / i / ic / int / jp / k / lgbt / lit / m / mlp / mu / n / news / o / out / p / po / pol / qa / qst / r / r9k / s / s4s / sci / soc / sp / t / tg / toy / trash / trv / tv / u / v / vg / vp / vr / w / wg / wsg / wsr / x / y ] [Search | Home]
4Archive logo
Bodily Functions Thread
Images are sometimes not shown due to bandwidth/network limitations. Refreshing the page usually helps.
The stories and information posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood.
Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact.
You are currently reading a thread in /b/ - Random

Thread replies: 180
Thread images: 43
File: poop.jpg (452 KB, 768x1024) Image search: [iqdb] [SauceNao] [Google]
452 KB, 768x1024
Bodily Functions Thread

Alright /b/, I have to share this with you because I'm too ashamed to tell anyone I know.

Every morning, I have the same routine. Go in bathroom, turn shower on, get naked, piss in toilet, jump in the shower. Today was a bit different.

>turned on shower, got naked, started peeing
>feel one of those glorious morning farts coming on
>won't come out on its own, so I push a little when I'm peeing
>ahhh relief. empty bladder, empty fart hole
>turn to get in the shower
>wait, wut? why is my foot wet? was the shower curtain askew and some water sprayed out?
>look down, see brown
>jesus christ, I pooped my pants but without pants on
>I shit on the floor! I'm a grown ass man!
>it was that gooey liquid shit that you sometimes get when it accompanies those loose, soft turds
>I figured I'd better let it all out, so I sat down and blew it all out of my ass
>I was late for work because I shit on my floor

Anyone have any funny related stories?
Fart in front of a girl you like? Piss the bed at a chick's house? Shart at a party?
>>"I shit on the floor! I'm a grown ass man!"

oh my god my sides

>shart at a party

I lost.

I sharted on a train the other day, couldn't fucking believe it! I'm 28 years old!
>last night
>high as shit
>ate a whole pizza, 3 hot dogs, pickles, pepperoncini, some other shit
>fucking keeling over the toilet
>ripping ass echoes through the house
>I achieve a new level of consciousness
>my sewer gator of a shit becomes etherial
>felt like I lost 5 pounds afterward
A few weeks ago I was really drunk and getting ready to go to bed, I was pissing at the toilet and had a fart coming on. Long story short, I shit my pants.

These things happen, it is a part of life and you should feel no shame.
This. I'm fucking crying right now.
Got fired from a trail building job because I decided to diarrhea into the outdoor shitter vs attend morning roll call

Also shat myself twice that month

tl;dr lost 15 lbs in a month and a job
The last time I shit myself was in high school. I was lucky cause I ran out of boxers that day and wore a pair of old tightey whitey underwear I had. They managed to hold the shit together and prevented it from dripping down my legs. If I had boxers, I probably would have had to change schools.
File: 1405961860856.jpg (31 KB, 419x344) Image search: [iqdb] [SauceNao] [Google]
31 KB, 419x344
>at uni, evening, in my room of my dorm, on my bed with the girl from next door
>we're close, incestuous brother/sister close
>feel a fart brewing
>gym rat, so knew a protein fart grenade would be lethal
>sneak my cupped hand around my back as she's talking away
>slide hand down the back of my pjs
>ready to fart in hand and throw fart grenade into her face
>unleash the wettest fart known to man (though, still silent enough to go unheard)
>a hot hot greasy blast of shit covers my cupped hand
>mfw I realise I've just shit myself
>mfw there's shit all over my hand
>mfw I'm at the wall side of the bed and can't escape
>mfw I was 23 years old making fart grenades
> pooped my pants without pants on

I have a story back when I was about 8 or 9.
> be in Sams club with grandad
> walking through store
> grandpa has me on his shoulders
(Parents and grandparents were young and had kids at young age, so he wasn't falling apart)
> always went around on my grandads shoulder
> what does every kid think of doing while on grandads shoulders?
> that day in Sams
> decide to let one rip
> we both giggle
> feel wetness in pants
> tell grandad
> "fuk u say m9?"
> go to bathroom to check
> I sharted on my grandads shoulders
> through underwear away
> had to free ball it the rest of the day
> never got shoulder ride again
I have shit my pants to some degree 3 times in my adult life.

>be 23-24
>have terrible flu
>several days living off of nyquil, liquor, and weed and sizzling rice soup
>finally get the strength to take a shower
>pissing before shower, have to fart
>feel literal liquid shit bubble grow and pop
>feel liquid shit running down sweats in to my sock
>hang head in shame
>directly in to shower

The only person I ever told was my best friend.
I hate shit.
holy fuck
getting out the goo gun i see
2nd adult shit

>be 27
>be fat WoW faggot
>ran out of time for dinner
>pick up double whopper at BK
>stuff my face in 60 seconds
>one hour in to raid (don't remember which one)
>bubble guts begin
>immediately start sweating
>clench butt cheeks as stomach sounds grow worse
>boss almost dead, try to hold it
>squirming in seat in horrible pain
>extreme sad face mode on
>finish boss
>every one cheers
>slink off to bathroom to clean shit out of my asscrack
>feel shame for weeks
File: arnoldlaugh.gif (2 MB, 400x285) Image search: [iqdb] [SauceNao] [Google]
2 MB, 400x285
oh dear god
File: 1378197943318.jpg (141 KB, 694x642) Image search: [iqdb] [SauceNao] [Google]
141 KB, 694x642
i dont know how people dont realize it shit, even if its all liquid. I might have super human ass sensors.
File: image.jpg (88 KB, 612x612) Image search: [iqdb] [SauceNao] [Google]
88 KB, 612x612
>be Texas borderfag
>come across Zetas on my land
>get in a bit of a gunfight
>both sides decide it's not worth it and retreat
>shit my pants and didn't even realize it
>talk to military friends about it
>mfw they say it happens quite often in combat
Omg top kek
I'm Dead thanks for making my day friend 10/10
I once coughed and a nugget of poo popped out. I was 32 yo at the time.
File: 2.jpg (30 KB, 480x628) Image search: [iqdb] [SauceNao] [Google]
30 KB, 480x628
oh fuck
>be last year still in highschool
>senior, 17 and live in boarding school with dorms
>me and my roomie made deal that if we fart in room we get to slap each other so we always fart in the hall or someone elses room, usually in hall
>so just took a shit, come back feeling good
>theres a lot of people in the hallway so i decide to let it rip
>pull down pants, hairy asshole
>when i fart, all i hear is a splat
flash back
theres a kid who always seems to be in the hallway when i fart, hes this skinny beta kid whos always terrified to go out into the hallway because me and my roomie would always fart on him
>he's right there, doesnt get hit unfortunately
>so theres this liquid, clear shit goo all over wall, floor and my leg
>take shower
one one my friend shitted on another one. he pulled down the pants wanting just to fart in his direction, and a mighty spray of diarrhea followed.
3rd adult shit

>be 32
>one month ago
>big family get together
>make 100 chicken wings and two massive trays of mac n' cheese
>lactose intolerant
>figure fuck it, eat lots of mac'n'cheese
>nothing happens
>feelin like a boss
>next day, be hungry
>left over mac'n'cheese in fridge
>fuck it, didn't hurt yesterday
>eat big plate of mac'n'cheese with louisiana hot sauce
>feelin fine
>2 hours later
>standing in room cleaning tidying up for nighttime
>feel fart coming
>not fart but shit
>boxer briefs contain mess
>crab walk to bathroom and fall on to toilet
>horrible things shoot out of me
>agony for 15 minutes before empty
>cleaning underwear in sink while shitting
>try to clean up with toilet paper and ass wipes
>stand up
>shit all over toilet seat
>ultimate depressed sad face activate
>filled with shame
>wipe it up quickly
>take shower
>clean entire bathroom top to bottom in atonement
>still filled with shame

Told no one. Until now.
>Made a protein shake because it turns you into hulk overnight etc.
>Ate and drank nearly nothing for 3 days while I had to go shit every 30 minutes, each shit session lasting up to 45 mins due to cramps.
>On the second day I felt a fart, so I gently let it go.
>shat straight through my PJ's and bathrobe.
>I'm 24 years old, and shat myself. :(
>3rd day I was shitting brown, yellow, green, and red (pus and blood).
>went to the hospital where they fingered my ass with lube, then shover 15 cm of wire up in my butthole, taking pieces of colon (biopsy?).
>Got pills, fixed everything.

Fuck protein shakes for all eternity.
also ive shat myself around 5 times since then and i puked in the shower after that
One time I tried to power clean my gf, and I farted.

Right? That's what I thought the first time I did it. "How could I possibly shit myself by accident?!"
My OP marks the 6th time in my adult life...
This thread makes me happy that I'm not alone in this.

You can't trust someone who doesn't admit they shit themselves at least once as an adult.
File: 1388682481744.jpg (9 KB, 180x191) Image search: [iqdb] [SauceNao] [Google]
9 KB, 180x191
>driving on the freeway
>happy and high as can be
>Have to fart
>Lift my ass a bit so it doesn't get caught on the back of my balls
>Let it go! LET IT GO!
>Proceed to let a few small turds and some unidentified liquid protruded out of my ass
>Hold my ass off my seat for another 3 miles
>Get behind a Pavillions and get out
>Take off my shitty boxers
>Clean off my ass with water and taco bell napkins
>Cop rolls by
>I'm on the other side of my car
>You okay back here?
>Yeah I'm fine. just taking care of something
fuck got out, came around my car and saw the shitty boxers on the ground, shitty napkins on a plastic vons bag and he just laughed his ass off, gave me another bottle of water and a towel, and left.

what the actual fuck
File: 200full-.jpg (36 KB, 200x296) Image search: [iqdb] [SauceNao] [Google]
36 KB, 200x296
>be me
>piss in shower ever day
>leave door open while shiting
>hold GF head under covers while farting

Just another day in the life of an alpha.
File: thatsnasty.png (69 KB, 248x203) Image search: [iqdb] [SauceNao] [Google]
69 KB, 248x203
>cleaning underwear in sink
>never got shoulder ride again
for some reason, I just lost my shit when I read that. you are a good man, kind sir.

My thoughts exactly. Why not cut your losses and toss them?
File: 1258344571458.jpg (24 KB, 477x440) Image search: [iqdb] [SauceNao] [Google]
24 KB, 477x440
>>look down, see brown
>>jesus christ, I pooped my pants but without pants on
>>I shit on the floor! I'm a grown ass man!
>>Fart in front of a girl you like? Piss the bed at a chick's house? Shart at a party?

You sir, are a god amongst men
good post but I was hoping the layer of shit would be thin enough for you not to notice, and you would throw the fart grenade thus throwing the shit and it would hit her face
*tips fedora at these classy sirs*
got another story
>be 14, still in boarding school
>come back from blazing 420
>have my bong in a sock, high as fuck
>some reason bursting out in laughter with friends
>almost back at the boarding house when
>splat i tried to fart but it was poo
>tell friends, need to clean up
>get to house
> teachers everywhere, one sees me so i book it to my room
>take detour, drop the bong off in a friends dorm
>somehow don't get caught but next day im asked why i ran and what i was holding
>say i shat myself is why I ran but i was holding a beer. kinda dumb
>get expelled from the boarding school later on, go to new school
>see the teacher a year later and he laughs about how i shat myself
Two days ago I went to stop & Shop to get some meat. Now that I have this new "george forman" grill, I buy lots of raw meat at cheap prices and then cook them myself. Meals that would cost 20 dollars at a restaurant can be mine for around 5 or so dollars. Not too bad, i must say.

So I was at stop & shop and got meat, steak, 'choice huck' as it is called. It sounded really hearty. like, really tough, like i was manly for getting it. I knew it would be a filling feast and was very excited.

As I walked up to the register I had assumed all my money from the previous check had been deposited into the account. it said so on the phone when i checked my balance, so i assumed "well, if the phone says it is available, it is available."

The funds weren't there. I was at the automated checkout and had to wait for assistance and tell the woman i couldnt pay for what i got. the lady then called over a supervisor and she had to refund my money(i put a 20 in). it was really embarrassing. I think that this is the second time that has happened, now that i really think about it. I think it is more the bank's fault, but the good people at stop & shop don't know any better. my excuses are empty and worthless to them(as if they'd let me have the food for free or something).

So I put stuff back and had to ring in only 20 bucks worth cause that is all i had. I put back razors, cheese, eggs and cereal. this was depressing cause i needed all those things. but i was also excited about the meat and BBQ sauce i did not put back so all this happened with an heir of confidence, like "I am going to have a choice HUCK!" I drove all the way home going "mmm mmmmmm! choice select HUCK! MMMMMM!" cause i was really excited about it.
File: 7297_3688.gif (4 MB, 320x240) Image search: [iqdb] [SauceNao] [Google]
4 MB, 320x240
>sitting on the couch with gf
>hand her poem she wanted me to make for her
>she reads it, tells me "Awh I love you anon"
>she gets up and instantly shits her pants.
>she was wearing white short shorts
>gets shit on the couch
>she cries
>laugh at her for like an hour
>tell all my friends she pooped herself
I've made it this far reading all these and I'm literally crying
Kinda hot. Why the hell did she shit herself though?
When i got home i immediately cooked it on the forman grill and even spread some bbq sauce on it WHILE it was cooking. I cooked two large slabs, way more than i needed to, but i just wanted to do it. I cooked it well-done cause i am not used to cooking steak, but it still turned out alright. I ate one slab and was a little dissapointed since it had a but too much fat within it. This made chewing it difficult. I also sorta wished i had gotten potatoes and maybe some pepper or salt. The BBQ sauce(hickory style) was just a bit too sweet, also. I was still proud of myself while eating it though, like "Im quite the conniesseur" even though i clearly am not. I just figured at the moment that since i could pick out flaws in my cooking and had cravings for more than what I had I was somehow good at foodology(the study of food?)

After I ate the first slap(which is like 1" X 7" X 4" that's 28 cubic inches of dense fatty chuck! [this isn't meant to sound like a porno]) I was brazen enough to go BACK to the fridge and get the other slab, which was about 24 cubic inches, and eat that, too. Afterwards I felt quite full and had a headache of sorts, but was not completely uncomfortable. I fell asleep fine I guess and got up around 10 the next morning for school.

There was some gas, but I wasn't concerned(although this was a serious warning sign which should not have been ignored). I recall letting one fart out, which was gassy and clearly an air pocket bursting between diarrhea lumps within my intestines. I still was not too concerned about it, thinking i could hold it for 3 hours until i got back home. But then, as I pulled into the parking garage, it hit. It hit like "Fat Man"(atomic bomb dropped on nagasaki) dropping on a trampoline and not exploding or ripping through(too heavy to bounce back up, also). And it was about to tear through. It hit with such intensity, such verosity, that I thought I could actually shit my pants.
>lrn2 greentext
Glad to see I'm not the only one that accidentally shit in the shower before, I was 16, it was right before school, I was too embarrassed to tell anyone so I got a cup and scooped it all out, flushed It down the toilet, necer spoke of it til now.

I haven't farted in the shower since.
That and because hot showrr steam+fart smell is fucking RANK
tl;dr Fuck you for writing a short novel about shitting yourself
"WHAT THE FUCK!!???!" I yelled. I was so angry and did not know what to do. "I'll just turn around and go home" I thought. And I literally was about to, i almost did. "Should I actually do it? should I actually shit in the school bathroom? Is this going to be the day? Is this going to be the time it finally happens?" I took an evasive maneuver and almost went for the exit... but something stopped me. I had stuff I had to hand in and if i didnt hand it in I would not get credit. Was the shit going to win? NO FUCKING WAY, MAN!

So I went to the library, having time to spare before class which i would use to print out some notes. I rushed into the library computer lab- lots of people were there and only one familiar face. I sat as far away from him as possible.

I sat at the computer and thought maybe the shit would solidify since it was feeling a bit more calm... it didn't. another "plmpfff" and my ass felt like it was about to shit dense, molten lead.

So I opened the notes but gave up almost immediately, knowing that the evacuation MUST OCCUR and MUST OCCUR NOW if I was going to make it through class. I dare not go into the lower level bathroom because there were WAY too many people and this was going to be EXPLOSIVE. I need not get into the fear I felt of going to the bathroom downstairs, by the full computer lab/"cyber cafe" Choose to agree or not with the choice I am sure you understand at some level. Shitting in a public bathroom is bad enough, but diarrhea? oh man!
pls stop
I farted during my first time having sex and I never like to admit it to myself.
So I ran upstairs, to the upper level of the library- somewhere I had never been before. I turned to my left and through A set of doors, tucked away peacefully, was a little bathroom. As I approached it I noticed that it was sorta at the top middle point of a T-shaped hallway intersection, so to the right I saw the library and some guy about 15 feet away looking at books. I knew that sound might be an issue, but there was no better place to do it than here.

To my amazement I entered the bathroom and it was a single-sitter(or as i like to call 'a single-shitter lol!). It was so clean, so quiet, so pristine, serene. It was like a godsend for me! quickly sat down and got ready. Reaching over to the sink (which, thank god, was in reach!!!) I pressed the water button and simultaneously dropped my load of pompeii magma!!! BOOM!
Nagasaki was obliterated in 'one fell swoop' (or should I say, 'one fell poop'?)

The time it took to let it all out was minimal. Perhaps only lasting 10 seconds. It was not pretty. Although It was an 'easy wipe' so-to-speak, upon flushing the toilet a thick corrosive slime stayed on the rim of the toilet. Even the high pressure flush could not remove it, and i flushed it two times!

But still- it was a great moment for me. I had actually done it, i had actually found a place to go! but yet, part of me felt cheated. like, i didn't learn anything, it all worked out too well for me. I almost felt spoiled by the event. but I was still happy it was (for the most part: the feeling still lingered all day) over. I went downstairs and felt like I wanted to tell the whole world what feat I had overcome, and how I had discovered a secret bathroom, but I, thankfully, didnt let this urge take over.

I went to class and the tale was over. I never got a chance to print out the notes.


that was taken from an old e-mail from 2007, hence no greentext, sorry!
File: 1400481618354.jpg (76 KB, 562x434) Image search: [iqdb] [SauceNao] [Google]
76 KB, 562x434
fuck off youre derailing the fucking thread by copy-pasting some shitty story you found
>a few weeks ago
>just ate a bunch of salad
>sitting on my couch, playing some vidya
>feel a massive fart getting ready to rip
>I squeeze it out
>immediately after farting I hear a wet slithering sound, and my underwear feels heavy
>"d-did I just..."
>clench asscheeks together to prevent further shitting
>get up, pull down pants
>liquid shit and bits of salad everywhere, and the smell is fucking overpowering
>waddle to the bathroom, dripping shit down my legs the whole way
>finish what turns out to be one of the messiest, noisiest shits I've ever taken
>it took 10 minutes to wipe my ass and get the shit off my legs
>put underwear and pants in a bag and put them in the garbage can outside
>continue playing vidya

I'm now much more careful when I feel the need to fart.
a piece of welldone chuck in a george foreman grill sounds like shit. never cook again please
GTFO with this long ass story anon.
They were nice boxer briefs...gimmie a break. Plus they were dark blue, so it's not like they stained. I was already at max shame level anyway...some hot ass water and soap then a run through the washing machine and good as new.
>got gf to piss on me once

felt good man.
File: asv.jpg (78 KB, 800x754) Image search: [iqdb] [SauceNao] [Google]
78 KB, 800x754
OP Reminded me of this
okay so we're going back now
>kindergarden years
>all sat in circle talking about shapes or some shit
>suddenly need to fart
>toilet trained and all that so I don't expect it
>fart the most ripping mother fucker gas cloud known to man to rival the holocaust
>tfw what the fuck is that surrounding my ass cheeks
>realize I shit myself
>tell no one
>deal with it the entire day, tight underwear so it didn't seep out some how
>get home, go in Moms room, pull down pants
>fucking crusted shit has solidified to the shape of my ass cheeks, shit won't come off
>start panicking thinking it's gonna be stuck to my ass forever
>Dad walks in
>Mom walked in and sorted my shit out, forgot about it

Dad still brings it up to this day, not as a joke but through utter shame and said if I ever did that again, he's disowning me
Happened a few days ago to my friend

>Work at grocery store
>Take massive dump
>Clog toilet
>Water rising fast
>Wat do
>Quick reactions, shove plunger-like tool into toilet and pump
>Toilet flushes
>Turns out it was one of those bristle-y toilet cleaner scrubbers
>100% plastered shit and toilet paper
File: 1398024230745.jpg (55 KB, 486x409) Image search: [iqdb] [SauceNao] [Google]
55 KB, 486x409
2 stories inc

>Be 14
>Dad driving my little brother and I home from doctor's appointment
>Stop at Wawa to grab a sandwich
>Dad's at the wheel driving while eating
>Has to fart
>"Oh no. Oh no."
>What happened dad?
>"Oh no. I think I just shit myself."
>14 year-old sides erupt
>He moves slightly to check if he did
>mfw I remember his grief perfectly
She has a lot of bodily problems
>75% chance of cancer in the stomach region
all that stuff, she's had problems all her life.
thats her in the pic.
How did you get her to do it?
File: burds21.jpg (24 KB, 400x273) Image search: [iqdb] [SauceNao] [Google]
24 KB, 400x273
Okay want to hear a humiliating story?

>be me a few years back
>shower because I have to go to an appointment and I'm running late
>in the shower my stomach begins to rumble
>oh fuck oh fuck
>well might as well let it go
>cleaned my butt under the shower
>get out of the shower and get dressed quickly and run out the door
>after my appointment meet up with a female friend
>we unexpectedly go to my house
>I completely forgot my shit was still on the bathroom floor (also only toilet in my house)
>she goes to the bathroom and I hear her scream and then she runs out the door
>never hear from her again...
You are a god! I laughed so fucking hard! I'm actually crying...
Woke up this morning to find out I pissed on my bed. Dont know how especially since it was contained underneath a pillow and my clothes were dry.

Drink does that to you I suppose, not the first time I had pissed in my room while drunk anyway
>i am going to have a choice HUCK!
top kek m8
2nd story

>be 12
>In Blockbuster with dad
>"Dad I have to use the bathroom"
>He says I have to wait because there isn't one inside Blockbuster
>10 minutes elapse
>"Dad I really need to go now"
>Ok son, let's go
>Get in car, I'm shivering with cold sweats
>3 minutes later arrive home, run to bathroom as fast as I could
>Open door to bathroom and can't hold it anymore
>Shit self with toilet in sight
>shame to this day
Holy shit I lost it.
Goddamn dude I can imagine my dad doing that.
File: 1394516185001.jpg (99 KB, 500x395) Image search: [iqdb] [SauceNao] [Google]
99 KB, 500x395
File: Fedora control.jpg (46 KB, 500x417) Image search: [iqdb] [SauceNao] [Google]
Fedora control.jpg
46 KB, 500x417
These are great.
>In kindergarten
>piss was ready
>doing math, getting sweaty
>ask teacher if i can go piss
>teacher says no
>why would anyone ever say no
>I start to piss right there
>teacher realizes her mistake
>too late
>piss covered me and floor
>other kids screaming
>i get sent to principles office
>parents are on way with pants
>teacher never said no to a kid again
omg man ..i was working in the heat wavve last summer and i guess it got to me ..when i got home got into shower and was washing ..felt a fat coming so i kinda for some reason was going to try and make it louder and stuck my hand on my ass and i frigging shit up all the shower walls ..all over my hand and all over everything ...best part of this was the landlord i rented from lived with us there and is the most fucked up dude i have ever met in my life ..i noticed i had shit all over his stuff in teh shower ...so i cleaned off the walls and what not but left the shit all over his shampoo and soap ahahahahah fuck em
> marine fag
> towards the end of bootcamp
> going to high and tights with entire company
> line has several hundred people in it
> not feeling too hot
> feel fart coming along
> idea.png
> going to gas the line
> push a little
> instant regret
> feel brown gravy splatter
> boot gives you superior control
> immediate pinch and suck shit back into butt
> continue to stand in line, get haircut, go an extra 45 minutes before wiping ass
> monkey butt
> that's how I shit myself
File: 1406348431647.png (51 KB, 239x200) Image search: [iqdb] [SauceNao] [Google]
51 KB, 239x200
> be me
> 6 or so months ago
> Drink a bunch. Get stoned.
> go to bed
> everyone else lying downstairs sleeping/watching tv
> get up every hour to fucking shit
> every. fucking. hour.
> sitting on toilet letting out one solid, loud monstrosity of a fart
> wake up everyone almost every time I do it
> 6th or 7th time I'm crying because my butthole is beyond chapped
> feels like I shat shards of glass
> 11am
> douse bunghole with lotion
> go to Taco Bell
this is the old /b/ i know and love. thank you for this story
I'm sorry man. I hope it's not actually cancer.

She always wanted to go through my browsing history when she came over to my house. Obviously I didn't want her knowing what kind of (relatively) sick shit I'm into. We started getting into fights about it because she suspected infidelity, so I came clean about my fetishes, and she was pretty understanding about it. I was surprised because I've always been ashamed of my piss fetish.

>"So you want me to pee on you ;;)"

Oddly enough she thinks my facesitting fetish is weird, and absolutely refuses to sit on my face. It's a shame because she has a HUGE ass.
Happened to me in middle school
Didn't go back to class just left school and ignored all friends seen along the way
>be 18
>fucking girlfriend
>both butt naked, feelsgoodman.jpg
>notice multiple shit streaks on the bed
>blame it on cat
>still thinks the cat shit on her bed that day

>Fuck greentext

I got sick with the flu one time when I was 15. I went to bed feeling crappy. I woke up in the middle of the night about to vomit. In my sudden frantic state I became tangled in my sheets and vomited all over myself. When I was done I was so tired that I passed out again. The next morning was a horror show of questions, I had wondered "Who came in here and threw up on me?!" then the taste in my mouth answered my own question.
>Have fart fetish
>Finally learned how to suck air into my rectum and fart it out at will
>Farts are gloriously wet and sexy right after a shit
>Always fart-fap after shit
>Last night had the best farts I've done so far
>Long and juicy
>Didn't realize how juicy
>Finish fap, peel underwear to assess damage
>(forgot to mention I like farting into underwear more than naked)
>Holy shit
>Super dark, thick, gooey shit all in my favorite undies
>All up in my ass too
>Put fan in window... this stinks
>Scrubbing ass and underwear with wet paper towels
>Shit is like fucking tar and no matter how much I remove, it's still as shitty as before
>Working for like 45 minutes and used up most of the paper towels
>Favorite underwear has gargantuan shit stain now

Note to self: Next time you're gonna shart yourself into a poopy disaster, wear disposable underwear and just throw them out.
>be me
>finally get a job interview
>go to the interview
>nice to meet you sir, I'm...
>*huge fart rips the air
>He looks at me disgusted
>I start laughing and the fart keep coming out syncronized with my laughter
>he now looks at me with fear in his eyes ready to call security
>I leave the place as fast as I can and never call back

Solid interview but didn't quite seal the deal.
File: 1397127674398.jpg (21 KB, 193x200) Image search: [iqdb] [SauceNao] [Google]
21 KB, 193x200
Learn to wipe your ass man
hahahahahahahahahahahahaahahaha dude thats awesome
she probably knows it was you but is just being nice.
damn he fired those solid turds almost 2 ft presumably with liquid jet propulsion
>be on a 3 month road trip up and down the west coast
>decide to go to an outdoor electronica festival in L.A. on my way north
>figure I might as well not drive from the hotel so I can drink as much as a want (rarely do this)
>puke several times in VIP booth
>when I arrive back from the festival fall asleep
>wake up & pay for extra day
>randomly wake up every few hours to shit and puke
>felt worst when I had to do both at the same time, but had to take turns
>order pizza the next day
>puke one more time after a few slices
>crab walk to bathroom and fall on to toilet
My sides! Thanks /b/ro Best laugh I had in days
>"I was late for work because I shit on my floor"
Sides went to Mars and back
This was in a movie that I can't for the life of me remember.

It was some mentally challeneged or homeless guy and a hot wealthy woman takes an interest in him and they end up fucking. When they're done there's a shit streak right where his ass was and he panics and runs away.

Someones gotta know it.
well, i have a friend who shit himself before
>be me with friend, in like 4th grade
>chillin'. killin'. etc
>he starts complaining he has to shit
>"ok, so go shit your grandmoms house is right there"
"no, i can hold it"
>continue playing game we made up at the park
>like an hour later say i have to check in at home
>i go, he comes to
>after like a minhte of walking, i smell something foul and look over to see my friend walking with a stiff leg
>did you seriously crap your pants man what the frick"
>"lol no, it's a prank! it's a brownie"
>it is not a fucking brownie
>its some fucking hot slimy mess and i see it running down his pant leg on his shoe
"dude go home and clean up thats nasty"
>he goes to cleanup, i go check in and go back to his grandmoms house and he's still cleaning up his "prank" 20 minutes later

man, what a prankster!

also holy shit as i say this there os a fucking turd coming out my ass brb fuck spelling
>>"lol no, it's a prank! it's a brownie"
I'm fucking dead
I shit myself once right after getting home from work. Thought it was a fart, ended up being diarrhea. I have really bad ibs though so I never really know what's going to happen.
>get horny while taking a shower
>turn water all the way on hot
>stand above the tub
>body covered in sweat
>spit on the dick.gif
>finish up and turn off the water
>sit down and take a runny shit
>plop on the floor and pass out
>wake up in a puddle of sweat, after-cum, and saliva
>mom knocks at the door and asks if I'm okay

What a night. Never doing that shit again.
>be 21
>back in relationship with first love after long breakup
>have the evening to myself
>feel hungry
>go to wendys
>get this massive burger with 4 fucking patties on it.
>eat it within 10 minutes.
>its ok
>girlfriend calls me on phone
>talk to her for a little while, but feel a rumbling
>she is unusually happy to talk to me
>stomach starts to hurt.
>diarrhea on way. still time
>I externalize the pain, get ruder to her
>feel a pocket of gas
>let one one
>feel watery liquid running down leg
>abruptly start talking quick
>try to end conversation
>room starts to smell
>she takes it personally
>for some reason too ashamed to tell her what really happened.
>hang up phone, get changed.
>she takes it personally
>sort of distances herself
>within a month she broke up with me
>took ten years to get over

File: thefucksquirtle.jpg (3 KB, 125x125) Image search: [iqdb] [SauceNao] [Google]
3 KB, 125x125
mfw trying to contain laughter in this whole fucking thread. holy christ.
I can't breathe... Too funny...

>spit on dick

Are you sure?
Holy shit
File: image.jpg (6 KB, 109x178) Image search: [iqdb] [SauceNao] [Google]
6 KB, 109x178

Do you guys usually fight fucking zetas??
I was above the tub. The Morder-water was going into the tub and creating steam, which allowed me to sweat like crazy. Still spat on it though, not realizing it was dehydrating me.

Fine I've got one and I'm not proud of it.

>Be 14 on class trip to Montreal, first time away from parents.
>Get there after long bus go to some shitty ass french resturant
>Smart me thinks I'm gunna be sophisticated and get one of those squash or pumpkin soups.
>Tastes like actual dick, but I eat it anyways.
> Next day comes, and we go on tour of the town, seeing old churches making fun of french people etc etc
>Stomach pains ensure
>Oh god, the fucking pain
>At another restaurant eating lunch when it hits
>There was no warning, no fart, no cramp, no time to clench; just shit
>I instinctively got up and waddled to the wash room, only to be compared to a penguin
>Make it to the stall where I take my boxers off and just leave them behind the toilet; poor French bastards who have to clean that.
>The smell was so veracious that the entirety of the section we were sitting in was relocated to the other side of the restaurant
>I found my teacher just leaning against the wall; I'll never forget his words
>"You cleared the placed clean, don't worry about it the food was shitty anyways"
To protect and serve

Oh fuck, I got it now

Here's my story
>Don't remember the details, probably went out to dinner with my fiancee (now ex)
>Driving my car when
>Oh sweet jesus, I have to shit immediately
>My fiancee is laughing at me
>Okay, I'd probably laugh at me, too
>Pull up to a grocery store I'm not familiar with
>In the grocery store near my place, back right
>Head that direction
>Circle around the outside edge of the store
>Finally see them - to the left of the doors I came in
>If I had gone the other way when entering, I would have been fine
>Shit my pants before reaching the bathroom
>I go commando because fuck you
>Try my best to clean the juicy splatter out of my jeans with TP
>Close enough, I guess
>Drive home, wash that shit out

Only told two people that story. And now all of /b/.
>solid interview
>Bodily Functions Thread
File: Buzz running.jpg (152 KB, 720x960) Image search: [iqdb] [SauceNao] [Google]
Buzz running.jpg
152 KB, 720x960
The entire population of /b/ isn't reading this shit filled thread asshole.
All underwear is disposable when you shit in it. What's with you nasty fucks?
Okay? No need to get all upset.
I care
Did you have dysentery?
Another one:

>be about 19
>out at a friends house drinking bbq'ing
>get completely shit faced
>decide it's time to go home
>one buddy comes along to see I find my way home, it's about 3km walk
>about 500 meters from my home feel an urgent need to poop
>run to the woods next to the road
>friend thinks I'm going for a piss and stays on the road waiting
>I take my belt off and wrap it around a tree(old military trick), lean back and drop the bombs
>then when I'm almost done, suddenly my hand slips and I fall back to a fresh steaming pile of shit
>I'm laying there laughing like a maniac covered in shit and too drunk to get up
>I try to roll on my side so I can get up
>end up having shit all over my face too
>I slowly crawl my way towards the road
>roll over to the ditch and lay back butt naked because I forgot my pants to the crime scene
>friend goes apeshit
>'dude what the fuck happened?'
>I'm laughing so hard I can't breathe
>suddenly he says: 'dude there's a mom with children coming this way, you need to get your pants and we gotta go'
>he tries to pick me up but then he notices I'm covered in shit and starts gagging
>'anon I... I gotta go'

So there I lied in the ditch still laughing alone as the mom with her children ran past me.

Can't quite remember what happened but my gf told me I showed up at our appartment covered in shit, naked and holding my pants in my hand.
Lost a wallet too.
File: 1405696480929.jpg (15 KB, 413x395) Image search: [iqdb] [SauceNao] [Google]
15 KB, 413x395
>be kindergartener
>have to piss
>scared to use facilities because fire alarms scared me shitless as a kid
>hold in piss for an hour
>start rocking back and forth on the multicolored checkerboard rug
>teacher notices
>tries walking me to the facilities
>can't piss because awkward
>tell teacher i don't have the need to piss anymore
>walked back to class
>try to keep my cool, but couldn't hold it any longer
>fucking piss everywhere in my shorts
>got a change of shorts and wasn't allowed to ride the bus home (had no change of underwear, bus driver saw 'commando' as a sanitary issue.
>mfw the mexican that sat next to my square flipped shit when he saw a little bit of the absorbent powder in his square
Cum to think of it that's almost happened to me a couple times in the past. I remember being super exhausted from work and just wanting to take a ridiculously hot shower. End up feeling like jerking off and the heat and the exertion started making me dizzy, I remember just trying to finish before it got too bad.

Now I have a shower seat, shit is awesome.
> at school
> antisocial and few friends, so sometimes I would just go to the bathroom and play games on my phone during lunch break
> had to shit one time
> why not
> toiletclog.exe
> spend entire lunch break flushing and waiting for the water tank to fill up
> doesn't work
> no plunger or anything else than the toilet in the room
> go through my options in my head
> wait until the end of the break when everyone will be inside already
> close the toilet lid and sneak out
> the perfect crime
> that toilet door was locked the next time I went to hide out there a few days later
Is that you?
I really overdid it...not sure why. I guess it was because I was going through a Batman-phase at the time, and wanted to be like The Caped Crusader himself on those hot Gotham nights.
I Shit My Pants

One oclock. Its time after my class, the sun is shining, and I am about to take a crap in my pants.

Ding a ling dong! The bell strikes the time. I have eaten some mother shitting ass blaster burritos this morning — who cares, im a bachelor (bachelor life lol) — and I SCREAM out of my class with the force of a thousand epic raptors. This is going to be a real bit of cuntery.

I pound into the bathroom, but its too late. The creamy goodness, foulness, sprays out of my butt pipe all into my wranglers. Thats it. I shit in my pants. I shit inside of the pants I was wearing. Theres shit all over my legs and my bottom. I shit. I shit all inside of my pants and on my body. Theres shit all on my body, and its not in the toilet. I shit on myself.

Any other goons with similar experiecnes? It was fucking insane.
>tl;dr lost 15 lbs in a month
take it to /fit/
shit yourself thin
>Any other goons with similar experiecnes? It was fucking insane.
>Any other goons with similar experiecnes?
>Any other goons with
>other goons
Didn't even bother to edit the story after you copied it from SomethingAwful?
my best mate pissed himself while exiting an hour long busride earlier today.. kept it in the entire time until he was waiting for the doors to open and then suddenly piss laked the bottom of the bus.
you're a fucking idiot. who eats that much lactose when you KNOW you're lactose intolerant?
File: 1371004721340.jpg (91 KB, 706x720) Image search: [iqdb] [SauceNao] [Google]
91 KB, 706x720
this happened a few days ago

>wake up, still drunk from last night
>girlfriend is behind me on bed, still asleep
>im just on computer doing my thang
>drankin some of the wine that we didn't drank from last night, trying to ease the transition into hungover-ness
>kinda gassy, oh well shit happens
>feel fart coming on
>oh no
>shit happens
>i shit a little bit of liquid-y shit
>go into bathroom and clean self off

i do some weird shit when im drunk, a couple years ago when i was with my ex apparently i got up in the middle of the night, popped a squat, and took a piss in the closet, then went straight back to sleep
This was some years ago

>Heavy night on the lager
>Wake up at 2pm on a Saturday
>Phone is going mad
>"You still coming to my bbq mate?
>"Ugh yeah... be there in about an hour"
>"No worries I'll come pick you up."
>Get ready, have a shit, shower, get dressed
>New Converse Hi-Tops, tight as fuck and take an age to get on/off
>Fart and feel the acid burn of "I just squirted shit out of my arse"
>It's 3:11pm
>Oh fuck oh fuck it's running down my leg
>Doorbell rings
>Hear my mum greet my friend and his gf >"Come in he's getting ready."
>Hear them coming up the stairs
>No time to get shoes off, brown stains on my jeans

Yeah that was fun
>be with girl i like
>in parking lot, 10:30 at school
>fart quietly but deadly.
>discreetly roll down the window

mfw she never knew and we continue like nothing happened.

I so could have fucked that bitch. too beta to do so...
Didn't say I was smart...but you haven't had my mac'n'cheese, it's worth the gamble.

This time I lost.
File: 1406388969458.jpg (87 KB, 460x475) Image search: [iqdb] [SauceNao] [Google]
87 KB, 460x475
>went to a 3 day convention with buddies
>second day of the convention it rains like fuck
>the sole of my shoes had been worn down like a motherfucker
>slip on some of that white paint that they use to paint the traffic arrows on the asphalt
Keep in mind that, for the last 2 days I had eaten nothing but instant Mac and cheese and pizza
>as I slip I shit a little
>"you ok man"
>pretend like there's nothing wrong even though I can feel my slippery ass cheeks sliding together
>quarter mile back to the hotel and have to walk
>that was my last pair of underwear
Fortunately they weren't ruined, just a tiny shit stain. Still embarrassing as fuck though. Never told anyone I was with.
why did i read that as if it were a dr. suess book
did you still go through with putting it in her face?
>Hold my ass off my seat for another 3 miles
holy shit of the holiest
>be me
>elementary school
>way afraid of going to the bathroom in public
>Couldn't hold it in. Shat self
>didn't think anyone noticed
>feel it bouncing/sticking in my pants
>hate life
>the next day my teacher made an announcement about kids having accidents and to go to the bathroom if they had to.

>be me
>had huge fight with gf
>depressed as fuck
>don't eat anything for nearly 3 days
>not even hungry. No stomach ache either.
>Have to fart
>half way through fart, realize it burns.
>Check pants, literally just stomach acid from no food
>acid shit on hands
>wipe it off and go back to sleep

oh, i'm dying with laughter here
>douse bunghole with lotion
fuck man you're killing me!
File: 44943444_p5.jpg (228 KB, 516x729) Image search: [iqdb] [SauceNao] [Google]
228 KB, 516x729
I like you're style anon, I'm tearring up.
Like it's a rite of passage.
Best thread in a long time /b/. This has never happened to me. While I am drinking a beer right now, I've never been shit-my-pants drunk. These stories are some of the reason why.
So I’m chilling with my friend drinking and he says he just picked up a nice bag of dank and we can go to his house and smoke. I said hell yes lets go, and we get to his house and I guess he was a lot drunker than I thought because he just straight whipped out his dick and pissed in the bong. I said wtf and he said he didn’t feel like walkin all the way to the kitchen to fill it so he just pissed in it. I was pretty drunk and jonesing bad at that point so said what the hell and we smoked out anyway. The next day I got two red bumps on my upper lip. I know it was from that dirty bong. Does anyone know how to make the bumps disappear?
File: 1406358565256.jpg (49 KB, 500x331) Image search: [iqdb] [SauceNao] [Google]
49 KB, 500x331
>9 or 10 at older (15 or 16) friend's house after we went swimming
>bend over to pick something up
>friend pulls down my swimtrunks to pants me
>huge Labrador mounts me and begins fucking my poor virgin asshole
>run to the bathroom in hysterics
>bloody squirts
>friend: anon, it's time for dinner
>act like nothing happened in front of his parents
>it's sloppy joes
>anon, you've got a little something on your shirt
>brown smudge
>it isn't sloppy joe
Blast it with piss you disgusting bastard.
File: 1345666799310.jpg (34 KB, 467x528) Image search: [iqdb] [SauceNao] [Google]
34 KB, 467x528
>be at party near my house
>ate something weird earlier in the day, not feeling the best
>stomach starts to rumbling
>alcohol and cigarettes exacerbating the problem
>hate shitting anywhere but my house so decide to hold it in till I get home later on
>cramps intensify, pressure builds on anus
>excuse myself from conversation, go in search of toilet
>only one toilet, occupied
>rectum now at 110% capacity
>make a dash for home instead of waiting
>anus/buttocks clenched, can't run so sprint-walking instead
>get 2/3 way home, ass explodes, bowels empty
>skinny jeans act like funnels for boiling-hot shit exploding out of my ass
>can feel rivers of shit pouring down my legs
>shoes start squelching from the amount of shit collected in my shoes
>nobody around, pride is largely intact
>90% of the way home
>just before my house is a railway crossing
>about 50m away when the gates start to come down
>often up to ten minutes before they raise them again
>be waiting in my shit-filled pants
>hear two female voices approach from behind
>want to cry
>they wait behind me, keep talking for a while but eventually the conversation trails off and the three of us stand in silence
>they know
>just glad I have my back to them so they can't see my face (pic related)
>gates open, resume my hobble back to my house in my audibly squelching shoes
>go round the side into the back garden, strip off all my clothes and hose myself down with the garden hose, naked
>have to throw out all my clothes, they're beyond saving
>go inside and cry in the shower for half an hour

Went back to the party two hours later in a completely new set of clothes and my then girlfriend slapped me and wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the night. I was so shell-shocked I couldn't bring myself to tell her what just happened, she thought I just ditched her.

To date the worst experience of my life. I've never felt shame and despair to that level and I never hope to again.
I have a similar story

>be like 5
>sleepy time
>we all sleep in the same room
>thats my mom, dad, my brother and I
>sudden urge to shit
>parents are on the floor while my brother and I sleep on the bed like kings
>don't wanna go to the bathroom
>let that fucker slide
>feels all warm and mushy, have to get rid of it
>tip toe over parents
>get to the bathroom and flip that shit out of my tighty whities
>didn't turn on the light so I couldn't see the shit on my underwear
>the next day
>mom takes my underwear off so she can suck me off
>about to shower, then she see's it
>theres crusty shit all over my underwear and my ass
>mfw she found the $20 I took from her purse

For some reason I took my underwear out of the trash and played with it, trying to pick all the crust off. Now that I think of it, I did this often and would smell my fingers. Hmm
>playing skyrim all day
>have to shit but I want to keep playing
>no big deal, hold shit in all the time
>one fart after another
>asshole leaking leaking banana colored liquid poo
>learned that when nature calls you listen
>Be 9.
>At grandma's house in a pretty fucking far away state from where I live.
>Has to take a dump.
>Only bathroom in the entire house is this little blue shack in the middle of this fucking miniforest in the yard.
>Walking over there, intestine is fucking screaming at me already.
>Walks in really fast, pull pants down, about to sit on that disgusting toilet seat.
>Suddenly feel my belly clenching. A piece of shit explodes out of my asshole and falls on the floor.
>"Fine, I'll just clean it with toilet paper"
>No tp
>Only tp is fucking far away. House is full of people, can't crabwalk overthere.
>Finish taking a dump, flush, pull pants up even though ass is still dirty.
>Get out. Leave turd on the floor.
>Hours later, cousin starts calling me.
>A lot of people around. She told everyone that I shat on the floor.
>Tries to explain it was an accident, everyone laughs at me.
>Shame for the rest of my life.
>Never visit grandma anymore.
you plugged a toilet at a public school? you fucking menace

>work after school at my high school senior year
>old black guy was janitor, really nice guy
>never complained about any of his work
>one day heard him mumbling, see he was perturbed
>about to ask him whats wrong, but didn't have to
>goes on a fifteen minute rant
>non stop about the giant turd he just got done fighting with in the boys bathroom
>said he took the plunger to it
>then broom handle
>finally had to get a metal rod from his work room to break it apart
>swore it moved out of the way a couple of times
Short one here.

>a few years ago
>working out of town
>discover Mussleman's Apple Cider gives me horrid gas
>paint peeling bad
>drink half a bottle the next morning before the truck shows up for the crew
>guy i work with HATES fart, I mean he gets pissed when he smells them
>bomb the fuck out of him all week with Musselman farts
>last night of the week at the hotel
>packed and ready to go home
>talking to my dad on the phone telling him about the bombs I've been dropping all week on the poor guy
>feel one build up
>let it loose
>"Dad can I call you back? I just shit my pants."
>my dad laughs so hard he drops the phone
>left the shitty underwear in the bathroom trash
I've jerked off/ fucked my ass in the shower so many times to the point of physical exhaustion and I've never once passed out. But then again I've always taken long ass showers anyway, but I'm talking 60 minutes +
File: manveni.jpg (140 KB, 418x493) Image search: [iqdb] [SauceNao] [Google]
140 KB, 418x493
>in a Canadian Tire with my brother
>trying to find something (can't remember what)
>gut suddenly makes a sound like someone pulled the plug on the Atlantic Ocean
>"Bro, I'm going to shit my pants! Where the fuck is the can in this place?"
>he runs off to find it while I try to lock my sphincter up like Fort Knox
>it's a near thing
>I made it through the first contraction, but there's no way this turd-baby isn't coming the next time
>bro runs back
>shows me where the shitter is
>halfway across the store
>do that crab-run thing, half bent over
>feel the next contraction begin
>leap into the loo and lock it down
>pull down my pants and let rip with a shitnami that burns with the heat of a thousand suns
>look down
>tiny beads of spunk glistening on tip of dick

TL;DR - I shat so hard I came
>anus/buttocks clenched, can't run so sprint-walking instead
>can't run so sprint-walking

thx for this, i laughed tears

My 9 year old sister find me though, and thought i was dead, she called my father who i never seen so disappointing in my whole life. But at least no one photographed me.
>>ripping ass echoes through the house

fuckin a+ dude
>Be in high school, sophmore year
>Head into locker room for gym class
>Start changing
>Intense urge to pee
>Run towards only bathroom in locker room
>Four guys waiting in line
>Attempt to leave the locker room
>One gym teacher guarding the entrance door
>No one is allowed to leave
>Pee is about to burst out
>Head back inside
>Locker room is completely empty
>Open a locker in the corner
>All of my piss
>Head to the gym like nothing happened
>mfw it reaked of piss after the class
I think everyone just thought it smelt like a locker room
But I knew. I knew.
Same. Once I took a piss in my ex's trashcan while asleep after a night of drinking. I got every drop in it, though.
>9 or 10 at older(15 or 16) friends
>gets fucked in the ass by dog?
>friend acts like nothing happened

Its time to face reality anon it wasn't the dog.
it was the dog, I had to push that fucker off me
this was a horny bastard dog
I got one, it's a little different considering i have a Colostomy but i'll share

>Start work in a fish and chip shop its my first day
>Everything is going fine, customers rolling in
>Start to actually feel pretty comfortable after an hour or two
>then it hits me
>Stoma farts reaaaallly loudly
>Rush to the bathroom shit starts leaving my body at mach 5 into a bag no way near big enough to hold it all in
>I have to take it off and aim it into the toilet
>Start chanting "i can do this"
>Take off bag
>Splutters out from hole in bag and pools onto the floor all over my clothes
>Panic, leave the place out the back entrance and never come back, moved further away

there was some poor dude that went to prison for raping a kid. they found out later it was the family dog.
I've been in 3. Been shot before, but not by the Zetas.

The people who own the land near the border have been the primary defenders of our border for about 7 years. I haven't seen a boarder patrol SUV in 4. I see hoppers almost every night.
>be 11
>at home with flu
>wearing a red onesie on the couch under a fuzzy blanket
>just watched wallace and grommit and it was awesome
>picking my nose because it's stuffy
>fart one of those tiny chain farts that just keep going
>land lady comes and visits, asking mom about rent
>stop picking nose
>every few minutes i get the tiny chain farts, they are silent
>keep eye contact with land lady the entire time while i rip a hundred farts in a row
>realize they're getting wetter and wetter
>what ever
>continue until she leaves half an hour later
>go to bathroom
>take off onesie, it's full of slimy shit
>my underwear is overflowing
>lol i was shitting myself while looking the land lady dead in the eye
File: FFS.jpg (25 KB, 600x332) Image search: [iqdb] [SauceNao] [Google]
25 KB, 600x332
I have a good one

>was partying at my place with some friends
>late night driking and shit so we all are pretty fucked up
>get so drunk that i just pass out on my couch
>next day go downstairs to see if there something to eat
>myface when i see some shit in the sink
>some guy had took a giant shit in my sink
>spend around a hour clenning up this dirty work
>were only 2 people in the house when i woke up
>one of the guys was downstairs and slept on the couch there
>did not know atm that it was the guy who slept on the couch who did it
>turns out the guy who took the giant shit in my sink was so fucked up he don't remember
>know who it was
>feel to sorry for the guy to tell him that i know, don't even know if he know that he did it
>alcohol is a strange kind of drug
and I don't even hate dogs, which is a testament to dogs likeableness if nothing else
>I might have super human ass sensors.

You should really try anal sex. Maybe even jsut the tip of it. Like rub your finger on your butt.
I'm still pretty bitter about my older friend pulling my pants down in the first place
>be me, be 18
>be super drunk at a party with friends, girl i like is there
>be getting more and more drunk, i can barely see straight
>start talking with girl, i start having burps, which i try to hide as we talk, but she stares at me so its fucking difficult
>go to bathroom, burp, piss, shit, oh god, diharrea
> friends are smoking weed
>smoke too much, it get's me way to high, plus i was drunk, so i was in another fucking planet
>i walk a bit unable to communicate with people because of how my head is spinning
>say goodbye to friends, start walking toward my house(20 blocks), without stopping even once
>still to this day thank how lucky i was there were no cars going by in my way at anytime
>get to my room, start feeling dizzy as shit
>take all clothes off, sit in the toilet
>decide i can't anymore
>throw myself to the floor, start sleeping almost immediatly
>somehow i kept on shitting without me noticing
>father is talking to me, the door is now shut
>father sounds mad as hell
>father tells me little sister came to check me because she heard when my head hit the floor after i passed out in the toilet
>wtf? i didn't pass out, i decided to sleep here naked with a turd hanging from my ass
>father doesn't believe me "who the hell would do that? don't shit me anon"
>makes me take a shower, i vomit a couple of times in it, i can hear his head moving disapprovingly
>get out, i try to convince him that i didn't pass out, for some reason i get stuck with this and need him to believe me
>i clean the shit on the floor with toilet paper, he tells me not to be a pig and brings washing liquids
>spent 30 min scrubbing the floor explaining him why i decided to sleep in the floor
>he still does not believe me
>i finish, he tells me i'm a bigger idiot he ever though of
>i repeat that sleeping in the floor was my decision

to this day he does not believe me

It's the only way to describe that distinct, I'm-about-to-shit-my-pants walk.
File: 1390279034685.jpg (249 KB, 904x573) Image search: [iqdb] [SauceNao] [Google]
249 KB, 904x573
>My mum makes sweet potato soup
>pretty good
>stomach flu ravages the house
>one of those 24 hour things
>on all fours in the bathroom throwing up and shitting at the same time
>liquid shit is literally spraying the door at this point
>eventually stand up
>slip on shit covered floor
>shit is now all up my side and on my face
>clean up as well as I can
>collapse in bed

I had to replace the bed. Nobody blamed me though, because my brother was shitting just as bad in the garden and my mum in her bathroom.

Probably the worst I've ever felt.
File: niggerhair.png (124 KB, 554x354) Image search: [iqdb] [SauceNao] [Google]
124 KB, 554x354
>be me
>be 14
>have annual pneumonia
>laying in bed
>got like 4 packs of boxers for christmas
>fall asleep
>awake with enough liquid shit to drown Atlantis
> change boxers
>leave shitstained soaked one on floor
>wake later
>same fucking shit happened
>mfw this happens when it happens all week
>rip 4 packs of boxers
File: 1395282986669.jpg (41 KB, 351x359) Image search: [iqdb] [SauceNao] [Google]
41 KB, 351x359
>being 30
>having hemorrhoids
>gf came to lunchtime
>going to buy some sushi by van
>paying the order when I feel something strange
>start to feel a snake inside my body, trying to make room inside my intestine
<you paid, you will wait for your fucking sushi
>1 min
>2 min
>quickly take my van
>start to drive as fast as I can
>I have a van
<fuck you cars
<fuck you semaphores
<fuck you police
>entering to build, getting in the elevator
>just 5 more floor
<i'm done
>all the shit came away, making a dirty noise, It smell like rotten egg
>fucking jesus hemorrhoids
>knock-knock my door
>my gf opens
<why you smell like rotten egg? where are the sushis?
>start to walk to the bathroom
>the second elevator is opening
>fuck a cop
>cop tips fedora using his hat
<we followed you to here because you broke the law evading those semaphores
>starting to feel another snake
>hemorrhoids starts to scream
<excuse me
>run to bathroom
>cop inside my house
>gf too

I had to pay a penalty for jumping all those semaphores. Girlfriend never got that I shitted my pants and still with her. I saw a cop tipping fedora.

>Be not me, but a coworker
>Ol' one eye. Was missing an eye and just used a patch.
>Starting shitting himself in the middle of work.
>Pucker-butted it the whole way home.
>He lived 17 miles away.
>Fucking made it somehow.

The last true pirate.
One more about my dad
>He drove lorries long distance
>went along with him sometimes
>used to eat huge orders of McDonalds and Burger King
>like 3 big macs each
>whilst driving, suddenly breaks out in cold sweats
>"Oh god anon, I think I shit my pants"
>can't stop laughing at him
>he's just swearing non stop at this point
>Have to stop at services so he can clean himself up
>"don't tell your mother"
>tell mother
>now before every trip "Don't shit yourself this time"
I was at work after taking off for explosive diarrhea. I thought I was better, was walking through the plant, sneezed and fucking blasted the inside of my pants. Luckily I was right by the bathroom and it was hot enough I could play the water I used to wash them off as sweat
File: Sweet Midget Jesus.png (197 KB, 364x238) Image search: [iqdb] [SauceNao] [Google]
Sweet Midget Jesus.png
197 KB, 364x238
>Be me 10
>Visiting aunt's house 3 hours away from home
>Come down with stomach flu
>When I puke I have explosive diarrhea
>mfw I go through 19 pairs of boxers in 1 day
Thread replies: 180
Thread images: 43
Thread DB ID: 6709

[Boards: 3 / a / aco / adv / an / asp / b / biz / c / cgl / ck / cm / co / d / diy / e / fa / fit / g / gd / gif / h / hc / his / hm / hr / i / ic / int / jp / k / lgbt / lit / m / mlp / mu / n / news / o / out / p / po / pol / qa / qst / r / r9k / s / s4s / sci / soc / sp / t / tg / toy / trash / trv / tv / u / v / vg / vp / vr / w / wg / wsg / wsr / x / y] [Search | Home]

[Boards: 3 / a / aco / adv / an / asp / b / biz / c / cgl / ck / cm / co / d / diy / e / fa / fit / g / gd / gif / h / hc / his / hm / hr / i / ic / int / jp / k / lgbt / lit / m / mlp / mu / n / news / o / out / p / po / pol / qa / qst / r / r9k / s / s4s / sci / soc / sp / t / tg / toy / trash / trv / tv / u / v / vg / vp / vr / w / wg / wsg / wsr / x / y] [Search | Home]

All trademarks and copyrights on this page are owned by their respective parties. Images uploaded are the responsibility of the Poster. Comments are owned by the Poster.
This is a 4chan archive - all of the shown content originated from that site. This means that 4Archive shows their content, archived. If you need information for a Poster - contact them.
If a post contains personal/copyrighted/illegal content, then use the post's [Report] link! If a post is not removed within 24h contact me at wtabusse@gmail.com with the post's information.