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In this thread, we pretend to be doctors...
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The stories and information posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood.
Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact.

You are currently reading a thread in /b/ - Random

Thread replies: 153
Thread images: 63
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In this thread, we pretend to be doctors from the middle ages.
>be me
>be bird mask doctor
>patient comes in complaining of ankle swelling
>fell off his horse
>being the great doctor I am I attach a buttload of leeches to the swollen area
>swelling goes down eventually
>patient is woozy so I prescribe some juniper berries
>tell him as long as he takes exactly the right amount he'll live
>he dies
>fucker must've not eaten enough juniper berries
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>be bird mask doctor
>nobleman comes in saying he needs something to help him relax
>give him cow shit
>tell him to shove it up his arse
>he actually does it
>he leaves
>mfw it worked and he was relaxed as hell the whole damn time
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>be bird mask doctor
>a woman starts complaining about plague
>tell her to drop some acid and sniff glue
>bitch gets well and lives
>comes back in a few months telling be about std's
>reported to the church
>bitch got burned for heathenism
Bumping for potential.
man i could do that to but i invented a dumb fucking story so write faster you fucking faggot
Bumping this high quality thread
>Be me
>Be bird mask doctor
>Parents bring in child they say is possessed
>Kids randomly shakes and foams at the mouth
>Eyes roll back into his head
>Send for the priest
>Priest contacts the church
>Burnt that fucker for being a devil worshiper
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>be bird mask doctor
>bird mask
You are literally retarded. Kill yourself you knuckle-dragging, sloped browed, mouth breathing, mongoloid fuck.
>be bird mask doctor
>vacation in vatican
>pope is sick
>cardinal tells me if i cure the pope i will be promoted to high inquisitor
>i meet the pope
>he has heavy gonorea
>i tell him to eat human semen
>he gets better eventually
>i become high inquisitor
>burn the pope coz hes fag
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I am aware that they are plague doctors and I am aware that they used the masks as middle age gas masks filled with incense and herbs.
But nigger this is /b/, if I want to call them a bird mask doctor I will call them a bird mask doctor.
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>be plague doctor
>brother comes to complain of toothache
>tell him i need to burn his tooth with a candle
>it will make the worms gnawing at his teeth fall out
>proceed with tooth burning
>he screams in agony
>"how can you do this to your brother!"
>mfw I was giving him the ol' spicy tooth roast
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Actually mostly straw or sawdust filled.
>dat damage control
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>be working the plague shift
>some peasant comes up to me with boils all over him
>says he doesnt want to die and all that plague shit
>give him a random pouch because i dont want the plague
>comes back to me later says he's burning up
>missing my spontaneous combustion powder
>mfw his face is literally on fire
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>be bird mask doctor
>non bird mask doctor faggot letts me shit
>says it's not a bird mask
>report him to the church for being a wizzard
>I'm a bird mask doctor, they belive me
>faggot get's burned
but dude this is bird mask doctor wtf are you doin ??
not this shit again get out niggers
>plague doctor
>not calling them bird mask doctors
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>be bird doctor
>coldest winter of our time
>man suffering from frostbite
>tell him he has moor ancestors
>tell him his muslim god has forsaken him
>tell him his blackness will spread and fall apart unless he returns to his native lands
>he sells me his possession and sails to Algeria with his offspring
>new bird mask
Tell me, why does he wear the mask?

>Be bird man doctor
>Caw caw caw
>High as fuck because these incense are fucking intense
>Patient comes in and says "Sir Dr, I do not feel well. I have a cough and feel very hot"
>Can't see through eye holes because so much smoke
>Grab bottle of what I think is a remedy of herbs like in my mask because, shiiiiet, he has to enjoy what I am enjoying
>Hand him bottle
>Let go of bottle
>Hear bottle smash on floor
>Realized I missed him completely
>Shit, high as fuck
>Turn to face him
>Realize it's a bird
>Realize I don't speak English
>Realize I'm a bird
>straw or sawdust
A quick google search confirms this, I stand corrected on that front.
However there was no argument, you called me retarded and I pointed out that I called them bird mask doctors because, once again, this is /b/. Which explains your shitposting.
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I feel this greentext applies here
nice one
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It was when the plague was around, they put spices and strong smelling shit in the nose part and breathed through it.

Sort of like a totally misguided and early gas mask, since the plague spread through lice and shit off rats
>not knowing basic fucking world history
Go to bed Tyler. It's late. The adults are trying to converse.
>be bird mask doctor
>bird masks come in sick every day
>they're always rude to me and the bird mask nurses
>i hate being a bird mask doctor
>be barber surgeon master race
>see bird mask doctor pleb pouring rose water on soldiers festering leg wound
>take out super sharp razor
>push bird mask fgt out of way, shove cloth in soldiers mouth, and cleanly amputate leg
>get my apprentice to soak bandages in boiling wine and wrap it around stump
>save soldiers life
>we drink remaining wine and get drunk
>bird mask fgt still standing in awe hold his useless rose water
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Thank you! I used to have this but I lost it with my old computer.
I'm sorry, I'm not an autist with an obsession with the middle ages and I'm sorry I misremembered that minor fact.
Oh wait, no I'm not, you're a fag.
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LOL, fukn lost it
Holy shit are you all fucking serious??? Truly your public education system has failed you miserably. Please, for the betterment of our species. Kill yourself. We don't need your stupid in the gene pool
>be bird mask doctor
>man comes in with a sore finger
>amputate his arm
>all better
>comes back the next day with sore toe
>amputate his other arm
>all better
Finally. Someone.
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i like this one
>autist comes in
>tells me how my bird mask works
>fucker I am a bird mask doctor
>tell church he's a demon worshipper from the devil future
>autist gets burned at the stake for being such a devil worshipping cunt
>take deep herb scented breath
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>on /b/
>being this new
>trying this hard
>immediately calling others autistic to cover for sub par intelligence and absolute shit tier, if any, education.
At least you can use teh interwebz lele amirite?
I don't understand why you are so passionate about sawdust
>then he comes in with a headache
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I could have your education so it could be worse.
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>one in the background has a strapon
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> Nuh uh! You are!
Confirmed for under age b&
>the adventures of disproportionate reaction man
>smiling woman walks up to me in the street
>kick her in the throat
>the end
Ha! Women never smile at me! Jokes on you faggot
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>be me
>be bird mask doctor
>be stood in city square
>waiting for someone in need of help
>suddenly someone dressed up all in white with a hood on comes up to me
>he's a shady fucker who doesn't say much or expose much of his face
>has loads of swords and knives attached to him
>he asks for loads of medicine
>I give them to him
>that'll be 800 florins please
>"grazie" says the shady figure
>sprints off
>jumps up a wall
>runs along the top of the wall
>jumps onto another building
>runs off into the distance
>be bird mask doctor
>man comes to me
>'sir i have slight fever and cough, no bad i just wanted to get check up soon as possible'
>'okazee, trustee mee for i am ze doczor'
>no clue what i am doing
>amputate foot and lobotomy
>no more fever
>mfw i beat the fever
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Oh, I guess you showed me who's boss
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newfag confirmed
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>mfw i beat the fever
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Mfw when based bird mask dr. also sells poison and smoke bombs in order to create further bird dr. work
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>be bird mask doctor
>man of three wives tells me his urine burns
> his penis falls off later that week
>bird mask doctor now has new gf
self-deprecating humor only works if people like you
>I can't come up with any argument or witty retort so I shall start slinging shit randomly at the wall and hope some of it sticks there
>shit all over my hands
>everyone laughing at me
>failing to look cool for all my friends on 4chins
>getting this mad
I was trying to remember what he made, thought smoke bombs were the blacksmith?
>be bird mask doctor
>someone claims to be seeing fairy folk in the woods
>prescribe opium
>doesn't leave his house for months
>dies from overdose a year later
>never saw fairy folk again
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>be bird mask doctor
>be sleeping
>hear knock on door, woke me up
>I heard a "Doctor!"
>being the kind bird mask doctor I am, I let him in
>He said "Is there nothing I can take"
>He said "Doctor!", "To relieve this bellyache"
>He then repeated himself for some reason
>I just told him to "Put the lime in the coconut and drink it all up" three times
>I then told him to "come see me in the morning"
>He kept coming around for a couple of days
>One day he came around yelling shit like "Woooo Woooo", "Oh Wooo Wooo" and "Wah Wahh"
>I ended up reporting him and of course he got burnt for being a mad witch man or sorts
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> be bird mask doctor
> apothacary comes to town
> claims to have beta test of some new drug called "asprin"
> mfw its just leeches painted white
> people acrually swallow this shit
Kill yourself immediately, knave. Don't make me call the inquisitors.
Maybe. It's been awhile since I played those. They sell poison though for sure. Which they actually did do till quite recently. Here in the US in the 1940s even you could go to the pharmacist and buy arsenic, cyanide and a bunch of other crazy stuff
>be bird doctor
>guy comes to my house and complains about headache
>"you have rocks in your head for sure"
>begin to open skull with big rusty tools
>he dies instantly
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>be bird mask doctor
>guy comes in with broken nose
>go to take a closer look
>stabs his eye out
>go to look at eye
>stab other eye out
>give himherbs to sniff to ease the pain
>loses sense of smell
>give him rosewater
>allergic reaction, tongue falls out
>have him hold an apple to squeeze while i opperate
>somehow his hands fall off
>burn him at the stake for not paying for treatment
>as hes dying he says he couldnt pay cause i already took his cents
I'm prescribing you to eat at least 50 juniper berries and wash it down with liquid mercury.
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>be bird mask doctor
>a mans wife comes up to me
>says her husband has the plague
>she wants my help
>go to her house
>see her husband
>bust out my sack of leaches
>apply them to the bubos
>give him random spices to ingest to help with his symptoms
>he asks me to rid him of his sins
>poke and whip him with my badass bird mask doctor stick
>hes covered in leaches bleeding all over, wounded from being hit with the badass bird mask doctor stick
>he doesnt have much longer to live
>look at his wife and say
>"looks like he will make a full recovery"
>be bird mask doctor
>saw dust
>bitch comes to me
>she is carrying a bundle of rags
>shows me baby wrapped up inside rags
>deformed as fuck
>put hot coals on her legs
Are seriously still here? Your time would be better spent trying to find a primary school that would allow you to sit in a few classes till you get caught up to speed with the other 9 yr olds who have alrdy learned basic history
>and wash it down with liquid mercury.

Much better to inject it with a syringe because it's the "modern age" now.
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Stop pretending to be smart
But then how will they taste the delicious hat stiffening mercury.
>nigger comes into my castle tower office
>catches me playing with one of the dead things i keep there
>play it cool, i am a doctor
>whats the problem nig
>nig says he is a nig
>i say i see
>i stroke my beak on my bird mask thing
>notice he has really white teeth
>a chance to practice my old timey dentistry
>pic related
>pull out a bunch of teeth and then tell nig to grind them into powder and mix them into goats milk
>it has to be goats milk
>tell him to wait for a full moon and spread the mixture over his niggy skin
>this will cure him
>dont collect medieval bitcoins because nig
>go back to playing with dead frog
What is that comic called?
surely the fact that he had an outdated idea of what they used means that he at least had some idea of plague doctors, so it isn't damage control for using the wrong name.
I don't think you understand how intelligence works
It's pretty good
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anyone still actually reading these?
keep going
Read the other shit he actually bothered to type out. OP is a grade A certified moron
Everyone is.
LOL fail samefag. Just stop now it's over.
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Samefagging this hard.
Why are you this rustled anon? It's not too late to drag yourself out of the gutter and finish that GED. There must be one education center still open in West Virginia
fucking brilliant
Still not as retarded as you, get out of my thread.
>be bird mask doctor
>autist still alive somehow
>maybe new autist they all look the same
>prescribe leeches
>eventually dies of blood loss
>blame satan
That's not me, there's a thing where you can't post that quick, I'd need an image to bypass this.
oglaf dot com in case someone wants sauce
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im just gonna leave a link from this point because shit goes on for ages
>autist survives bleeding
>fill bird mask with hemp leaves
>burn them
>breathe deeply
>stop giving a shit about autist and alert town guards of devil worshipping spaz
>go back to treating patients with leeches and juniper berries
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>That's not me, there's a thing where you can't post that quick, I'd need an image to bypass this.
Second post is literally less than a second after time cap expired.
I am going to give you the benefit of doubt and just assume for some reason you are trolling in your own thread, and are not actually clinically retarded.
You're right, it's not worth arguing with underage cancer.
>Be plague detector
>Whole town reeks of shit
>This uncomfortable ass bird mask ain't helping
>All the niggers in town are getting sick
>Hard to help them with this disturbing thing on my face
>Fuck this mask
>Guy comes into my crummy office
>Got his arm cut off in a war
>Faggot, should have been a doctor
>The bleeding was stopped by some bandage
>Lol, plebs
>Rip that shit off
>"You sure you know what you're..."
>"Don't I look like I know what I'm doing"
>Realize I'm wearing the mask
>Fuck this mask
>Take leeches
>Put on wound to suck out the blood
>Wait a few minutes
>And just some more to be certain
>Plug it up with a brand new bandage
>Fresh off a corpse
>Mfw he gets the plague 3 days later
>Fuck this mask
>autist evades guards and is still in town
>now wearing an a stupid red and blue spider suit while prancing around like a frenchman
>back to patients one of them has inflamed lung
>cut him open and attach leeches to lung
>he dies
>blame autistic french spider
kek taking /b/ so seriously, you are the true retard here. Wtf is wrong with you?

P.S the fact that you are actually arguing on /b/ with all these facts makes you truly look autistic

>long live the bird mask doctor
>be town guard
>bored as fuck on duty
>at least I get paid
>someone is running towards my post
>bird-like mask on his face
>wtf does he need the mask for here?
>smells like burning hemp
>says something like"woah maaaan, there's like, a devil worshiper over there"
>arrest the autist on the spot
>burned at the stake a few minutes later
>keep the mask, though
underrated post
>be me
>in some jungle, dunno where the fuck am i
>somekind of witch doctor, dunno ppl just like it when i do drugs
>one day tribesman comes whining headache
>what a pussy
>drill his skull open
>he dies
>no more headache
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You just keep digging that hole deeper anon...why is that? Does looking like a fool amuse you in some way? I was laughing at how stupid you are but now i just feel sad about it. I feel sorry for you anon.
>be me
>be bird mask doctor
>Enter prince Arthur and Sir Fagalot
>Both super swollen
>Fagalot with huge cyst on knee
>Pull out bow and Arrow
>Fagalot faints
>Look at Arthur
>Hand Arthur herbs, paint and red candles
>"your room, paint floor, smoke herb, burn candles
>Arthur carries Fagalot home
>Rumor reaches me they both die of Malaria
>I am Bird I am Proud
is your life so depressing that arguing with some fuck head trying to be funny and do something semi interesting about the names of things and buzzwords seem's like a fun way to spend a sunday?

go find a porn thread and fap already. holy shit just take that stick out of your ass and calm the fuck down
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Archive this shit
>be bird ask doctor
>man comes in, rare skin tone
>brown but not very brown, yellow almost
>prescribe him 14lbs of bedrock to be eaten an ounce daily.
>comes back 5 moons or so later
>tells me he has been having constipation
>cut open his stomach, remove a kidney and fill his liver with leeches
>rub a rats leg on stitched wound
>catches herpes, gives it to his wife
>both visit, snowberries not working
>tell high priest these "sores" are runes
>burned at stake for witchcraft
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>guards failing at their job
>fuck this town
>keep treating the plague
>studying rat intestines for source of plague
>it was newfaggiotus, a new breed of plague
>causes the infected to act like a newfag
>only cure is to gtfo
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>be me
>be doctor that wears bird mask
>I am hailed to a house
>told of a young girl that was found on bed nude
>walk into room where girl was found lying naked
>turns out these people have never seen a naked person before
>ask family and priest to leave room
>I stand in front of naked girl
>tell her it is going to be alright
>put gloves over my gloves
>pop lips
>bring out my ukulele
>sing tiny tim's tipto through the tulips
>parents walk in immediately
>I am kicked out for worshipping the devil
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>be wizard
>be sitting in my wizard tower, traced out in my crystals
>able to access the future and /b/ via wizard powers
>finds thread about bird mask doctors
>read about the funny experiences my bird mask doctor friends have day to day
>some brutish serf pipes in stating what he calls "facts" and is enraged.
>serf goes on and on, really annoying to be honest. so bent out of shape over such trivial things
>wake from my trance before finishing that erotic tapestry about, get this. a WOMAN bird mask doctor.
>bird mask doctor from next door is at the door. he needs a goat heart because his patient hasn't been able to walk since he fell off of the castle gate.
>tell him about the uppity serf, to which he shakes his head.
>go on about a woman bird mask doctor.
>laugh and laugh and laugh.
i really like this movie
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>some moor fucked a pig or something
>he bit me
>he died 3 months later
>mfw I'm dying as well
>never having read oglaf
>forwards from grandma
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so glad I can finally use this .gif

captha is unkindness ngenath
fuck off, ngenath
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>be bird mask doctor
>man of athletic build comes to my cabinet
>has shameful problem wants looked at
>OK what is it
>gets on the table and spreads buttcheeks
>please look
>see nothing, recommend leaches
>please i can feel it, try reaching in a little bit
>put two fingers in his ass
>please it's deeper than that
>get my whole hand in
>wait, what the fuck! pull out a whole rose with the thorns cut out
>it's for you, doc
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>rubbing my dick in doctor castle
>runner shows up, all sweaty and tired cause he's a runner
>act like rubbing my dick was a medical procedure
>im a doctor
>he tells me his lord's daughter is possessed by a demon
>nigga do i look like a priest to you
>doesn't matter, lords have coins, and i like coins
>go to lord's castle
>shit is pretty bullion
>he takes me to his daughter
>10/10 loli lyin in bed whispering
>tell him i need some time alone with her to assess her condition
>ask her to undress
>not pedo cause medieval times
>she just looks at me with crazy eyes
>make the sign of the cross with my fingers to see what happens
>she starts spazzing and freaking out
>starts screaming
>dad rushes in
>get out bro i need more time
>i am a doctor
>she starts saying blasphemies like "look at my ankles" and "court me for a week before kissing me"
>the doctor d
>give her the doctor d
>she calms down and stops thrashing around
>still whispering and shit, still crazy eyes
>id call that a cure though
>go see the dad, tell him she's cured
>but i should probably still stop by every once in a while to check on her
>tell him i might be drunk to help my doctor intuition when i come
>he gives me his carrier pigeon number or something
>he gives me a turbo diesel stallion to ride around
>act like this is every day shit, grinning beneath my mask
>thinking of all the bitches im gonna pull on this steed
>go back to castle in style
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>posts picture
>I'll do it too I guess
>still same doctor
>no patients today
>go into town with my bird mask and cane
>everyone is healthy and well
>priest is claiming work of god despite it clearly being my superior medical skills
>go home
>grab dead rats
>cut open intestines
>alchemies that shit into a potion with water and juniper berries
>dunk potion into water supply
>death toll in the tens
>I can save only so many
>should have made a cure before I poisoned them
>blame priest
>priest is lynched and burned at the stake
>many die
>I am doctor
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You told a guy to kill himself because he didn't know what middle age doctors put in their masks
This thread is a joy for all the senses by just doing the following:

Hiding the posts of the autistic niggerfaggot.
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Hello newfriend heaven. It is no longer 2009 and pics with sage do not bump.
Ah yes good ol' "captha"
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I forgot to add a c. excuse the fuck out of me

also. anti-sage
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>be bored bird mask doctor
>standing by roman ruin tryin to sell shit
>suddenly i see a cloaked figure comin towards me
>its that assasin guy everyone talkin about
>comes up to me
>he asks for five bottles o my finest poison
>gives him it
>get shitload of cash cause bumpin up prices
>realise hes gonna kill someone with it
>mfw i may have inadvertently killed someone
> my mask when
Dat black pot, though
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>also. anti-sage
Kill yourself immediately filth
I just can't take anyone seriously when they use the term Damage Control.
made me lol hard
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>Not linking IDs
he's on to me!
>Be birdman doctor
>using birdface to protect from the plauges
>patients come in with swelling on neck, groin and underarmpits
> sell them masks with petals in so plauge can gtfo
> loads of blankets ammased on travel covered in fleas
>flees taking over medical practice
> give away free blankets with every mask sold
>whole city dies
>ftw get knighted by King Flergenspork for working to rid city of plauge
Buy many bitches
says the faggot posting sipderman outside of a wincest thread. it's like you're not actually playing pretend retard.
>Still be powerful wizard
>walk over to bird mask doctor's house next door.
>see he has a family with plague in his parlor
>walk into his study to find him with female patient.
>she says that her unborn keep dying
>bird mask friend asks my opinion.
>don't really give a shit. just came over to get some black mushrooms and beeswax
>tell her to start eating her unborns after. because this will make the next one stronger.
>bird mask friend snickers as I leave the room.
>throw leaches on the family out front because their moaning and smell are still absolutely disgusting. and I pity their mortal bodies
>secretly hope I catch plague soon so I can become the litch my father always wanted me to be.
Damn. I thought that's how you spelled it. but it just didn't look right. at this rate of misspelling things i'll never make high sorcerer in king's court.
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says the faggot still posting bird mask dr. inside of an autistic thread. it's like you're not actually playing pretend retard.
>also what is a sipderman?
Nah, it's only because this spacky yank website doesn't understand half of my beautiful English language and says it is wrong.
Thread replies: 153
Thread images: 63
Thread DB ID: 6627

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