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The stories and information posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood.
Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact.
You are currently reading a thread in /b/ - Random

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Post your best greentext
Here are tits for your enjoyment
>OP is fag
cant get any better than that
oh yes
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>One day I pooped pants
>Oh no.whateverthefuck
>Was in Wal-Mart
>Left underwear in stall and smeared poo EVERYWHERE
>(Okay, just on the wall and toilet.)
>Stole a sharpie before I walked in
>Put my number on the underwear.
>4 hours pass
>Somebody called me, not from Wal-Mart
>They thought it was real deal.
>Told them we were testing a an anal leakage robot out that malfunctioned.
>I said all of our poop was donated by people who feel free to give their shit to science
>Gave them some P.O. Box of a bitch who lived nearby to send.
>More people called. I gave the same responses.
>I made people willingly send shit to a shitty neighbor.
True story, /b/ros...
>Be me, 2nd yeah of high school in middle of cornfield, USA.
>stuck taking biology again because fuck you that’s why.
>7/10 next to me, American Indian mix but epic eyes.
>we hit it off, she’s single, thinks I’m funny/cute and I don’t question it.
>turns out she’s in colorguard; I chill after school to watch her wave flags and shit.
>the band practices at the same time, a 4-wheeler brings out drums and shit on a wagon for them to practice.
>as I’m watching, some Winnebago sized kid pulls a wagon loaded with acnebetas and their sousaphones of whatever.
>I ask a band mum who that big fucker is.
>”Oh, that’s “Jake” (name changed because 4chan)
>Turns out Jake is dating my gf’s best friend, we say hi once in awhile, never really hang.
>One day gf decides to rent a hotel and spend the night playing scrabble or something like that.
>we go dutch with Jake and his gf.
>The 4 of us get the room, Jake rides with me and bitches ride separate because feminism.
>Turns out he’s a pretty kewl guy, into same shit as me, loves guns and big tits.
>He asks me about my car, I ask him about manual labour, bro time all around.
>sexytime happens, gf so nervous she rolls off the bed, throws up on my pants, the floor, and the shitty lamp next to the bed.
>I use free bible as absorbent pad, fuck you Christians.
>my gf spends the night vomiting in the toilet and crying like I raped her.
>Jake gives absolutely 0 fucks and pounds his gf the whole time.
>During smoke break I ask if I could use a hole.
>Jake claps me on the back and says “have at it”.
>mfw the first time I hang with this dude, he convinces his gf to have a 3some with her besties bf.
>and that’s how I met my best friend Jake.

I think this is literally what they managed to stretch season over season of HIMYM into.
My shit is better though... give me time for the reply cooldown.
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>17, Eating at steak n shake
>Kid walks up to me and stoner bros table
>"Our ketchup bottle ran out, can we use yours"
>"Sorry bud, need it"
>kid looks at me
>dead in the eyes
>looks at ketchup
>takes ketchup and walks away
>heart palpations, sweating
>Stoner bro: "little bitch"
>in the middle of steak n shake
>stoner bro lights up
>First time with drogas m8s, so this was heavy
>hands me the joint
>take ungodly draw
>sit there for 10 fucking minutes and no one notices
>someone notices
>get kicked out of steak n shake

10/10 would steak n bake again
>I end up marrying the gf, Jake refuses staying with a bitch for longer than 6 months, but we stay well in touch and always make time to chill.
>My marriage gets rocky, wife leaves, I find alcohol.
>betafag level alcoholism/depression.
>Jake always makes a point to come over and chill, make me laugh; tell me about his latest shenanigans.
>Jake comes over, he’s on a mission and needs my help.
>I’m sitting in my boxers playing Fallout 3, minding my own business.
>turns out he was hunting 2 hours north, lost his grandpas turkey call in the woods, needs help finding it.
>I’m still drunk from the night before, I’m like “dude, I don’t feel like walking or doing shit”
>He says “I’m buying the food”.
>So I’m riding with Jake in his busted ass Jeep and we go to some glorified trailer park on the side of an interstate and drive on dirt roads for 45 minutes.
>Finally we get to hunting camp (half a double wide trailer in the middle of a swamp)
>He says “the tree stand is over there” pointing to a shitty clump of woods 2 miles away.
>we walk for 2 hours through natures diarrhoea all the way to these trees, he kicks leaves for 3 minutes and says “it’s not here, let’s go home”.
>slogging through the stickiest shitmud ever I realize it’s not even turkey season.
>the hunting camp is a complete strangers.
>He has no idea where he is.
>This mother fucker drove for 2 hours just to get me out of the house and on an adventure.
>I say nothing.
>On the way back, he starts fucking around on the dirt road, ends up in someone’s cornfield stuck.
>We have no reception, then no battery, and no charger.
>We walk back to the camp, steal shovels and boards, and try to dig the truck out.
>It’s dark, mosquitoes are being greedy little niggers, and I need to drink again.
>We walk 3 hours into town, covered in mud and shit and mosquitoes, find a payphone, and call his gf to come get us.
>She dumps him, says he shouldn’t hang with a drunk asshole.
>He tells her to get her dog out of his house when he gets home or else she’ll find a piece of it on every one of her shirts.
>mfw he just dumped a 9/10 for my soggy ass.
>Eventually a trucker gave us a ride to familiar territory.
>Ex wife wants to get back together.
>I’m so beta I do it.
>She spends the next 6 months lying, cheating, and fucking with my head so much I go into depression again and try to kill myself.
>3 days in Psych ward.
>When I get out, Jake is there at the door.
>Not family, not ex, but Jake.
>We hit the pub, tells me what I’ve missed since I was out, all that shit.
>He tells me about the new girls he’s had, shows me pics, all of them 2/10 landwhales and skanks.
>He’s fucked 12 girls in 3 days, a personal record for himself.
>He normally can pull an 8/10 easy, no idea why he dropped his standards.
>three weeks later, new job, new house, shit is looking up.
>I get home from work, my brother tells me Jake fucked my ex wife.
>I call Jake, ask him what is up.
>He confirms it.
>I rant, rave, call him everything but white for breaking bro code like that.
>He never once defends himself, just takes my rant.
>I hang up on him, he’s fucking dead to me, move on.
>A month later, I catch word ex wife has the herp.
>She’s fucking devastated.
>top kek
>Bump into Jake at the bar that night, still pissed at him but we’ve been bro’s too long for dumb shit.
>I tell him ex wife has the herp, he better get his shit checked.
>He just smiles and says “I know, I gave it to her”.
>Turns out, he fucked dirty bitches just to get diseases, then fucked the ex wife, just to pass them to her.
>I said “you know that shit is for life, right?”
>He nods his head and said “It’s worth it, anon- you’re the only brother I got.”
>God-tier friendship from that day on.
>New Years Eve.
>Jake and my new wife, chilling at a friend’s house, his name is “Derek” and his wife is “Jean”, they have 2 girls.
>About 10 people or so, all close friends or family, having a good time all around.
>Derek’s nephew shows up with nignog friends, he’s been in and out of juvie a few times.
(I’ve left on a beer run, so this is all hearsay.)
>Nignogs want in; they’re drugged and wanting to party.
>Derek says no, the kids are almost asleep.
>Nephew starts cussing and talking shit, wakes girls up, Jake goes to calm them down cuz they’re starting to freak out.
>Jake is 6’4”, about 245. I’m 6’5”, and about 250. Derek is about 6’3” and 300 pounds.
>Nephew is 5’8”, maybe 170 pounds, and nignogs are usual hood rat size.
>Nephew and nignogs try storming the house, Derek hold them back, tells everyone to leave, cuz it’s getting bad.
>Jean says she’s calling cops, so Nephew and nignogs go to porch and driveway, start trying to loot cars.
>Jake goes through back door, gets his rifle from the truck, walks past the nignogs and stands on the elevated railroad tracks in front of the house.
>Jean grabs a baseball bat and charges nignogs, Derek holds her back, nignogs get something from their car.
>Jake fires one round into the air, nignogs collectively shit their pants, Jake bellows a challenge to “Assault a well defended elevated position while facing judiciously aimed incoming fire”.
>Nignogs and nephew disperse.
>Jake comes down, I ask him if he was really gonna shoot the nignogs-he says
>”Without a doubt, but I only had one round to begin with.”
Somebody better be screencapping this.
bump mane
awsome story
Why are the nips so sad?
Brb, gotta take care of baby, if 404's I'll start new thread with "Jake's Story"
Let's not let it die. I want to hear this story end
I'm in love with Jake m8
Is this shit for real?

Regardless, 11/10
>Whenever I day dream,
>and day dream I do,
>in my secret garden,
>I day dream of you.

>I day dream of you,
>in a faraway land;
>embracing me tight
>and holding my hand.

>Holding my hand,
>and touching my face.
>Just you and me,
>in this peaceful place.

>In this peaceful place
>a pristine river flows.
>Where the unicorns run,
>a breeze always blows.

>A breeze always blows
>and sings of a song;
>our love in a place
>where you're never gone.

>Where you're never gone
>is as it would seem,
>from dusk until dawn,
>whenever I day dream.

>And whenever I day dream,
>and day dream I do,
>in my secret garden,
>I day dream of you.
I'm so tired.. But I shall stay until the end
10/10, the best thread I've seen in this board in a long ass time
fuck you
well, you win the thread
>be me, 25 years old
>still live with parents
>haven't been to college, no real future
>had sex like maybe once, still basically a virginfag
>in pretty good shape though, really active
>going for a stroll outside with parents
>see cute girl also walking with parents
>we stop and our parents talk, they apparently know each other
>holy shit this girl smells amazing
>like fucking roses
>or maybe morning dew
>or newly cleaned laundry
>whogivesashit.jpg it's wonderful
>we really hit it off
>she's in great shape too, enthusiastic about being active and fit
>tells me she's 16
>realize age of consent is 16 in my state
>still creepy as fuck but I don't care
>parents still talking
>don't realize the immense sexual tension between us right now
>oh shit this is going to happen right here right now
>we start fucking
>right on the god damn sidewalk like it's nothing
>feels so damn good
>cum almost immediately
>look at parents
>oh shit they are going to kill me
>they are just laughing and pull me off of her
>look mildly upset but I'm pretty sure I'm not going to jail
>"No! bad boy!"
>no treats tonight
>my tail wags furiously
ATM I’m 25, he’s 23, so this was a few years ago, he was 19 at the time, so I would’ve been 21. Be advised.
>I’m chillen with Jake, playing Perfect Dark, doin bro shit, when he checks his phone and says “smoke break”
>Jake can’t chill outside and have a ciggy, he’s gotta get in his truck and go past every girls house he’s ever fucked.
>I roll with him, we light up and hit the road.
>3:10PM rolls around, he takes sudden detour to city park and posts by some shadehouse/homeless shelter/cherry poppin’ spot.
>I say nothing, knowing some shit is about to happen.
>Within 3 minutes, 2 girls came walking through the park, they see us and wave, then head over.
>Easily 8/10 short skinny, no breastworks though, and 6/10 hambeast junior.
>8/10 hugs Jake and gives a kiss, and that’s when I saw it.
>mfw Jake is hooking up with a girl who is a freshman in HS.
>Hambeast Jr. hits on me immediately.
>try to avoid her, refuse eye contact, act as if pants are spaghetti.
>The jig is, Jake wants to take her on a date, her dad is kewl with it, but he wants someone else there.
>Hambeast Jr. is supposed to come along, and she needs a date.
been awhile since we've had a good greentext.
fake as fuck
Yeeeaahhhh buddy
Go on
thanks dude, will use for fapping purposes when all else fails
faggot, didn't see that coming
Put down dem words bitch we don't have all night I'm gonna pass out from alcohol weed and morphine soon and I wanna finish this Jake story
>I tell Jake I’ll do some fucked up shit for bros, but pederasty isn’t my life goal.
>So I’m sitting in hambeast’s living room, explaining to her parents that I’m there to keep shit from happening.
>Be advised, I’m like a 6’5” skinhead, and so was Jake.
>Mum was totally cool with it, bought the whole thing.
>Stepdad was sketchy as fuck, but mum convinced him it was kewl.
>Watching some movie in theatre, back back back nosebleed Mt. fuckmothering Everest seats.
>Don’t even remember movie, too spaghetti for attention.
>Lights aren’t even dim before Jake’s got his dick balls deep in her throat.
>Hambeast Jr. is really trying to go somewhere, I’m trying my damndest to keep this shit under control, play it off, make it seem like nothingtoseehere.jpeg
>Beastpocket start getting serious, I’m getting more verbal, Jake is zero fucks given.
>Suddenly a wild USHER appears!
>Flashlight on Jake getting dome.
>Flashlight on my pushing porkchop Jr.’s hands back on her side of the armrest.
>He tells us to leave or he’s calling the cops.
>Jake taps her on the back of the head twice (must be dome code or something)
>(yeah, she hasn’t stopped the whole time)
>He stands up, stretches, and says
Jake ends up give dudes ex an STI.
Go on faggot
Can we get a picture of Jake
>”We ain’t going anywhere, dude.”
>Usher is 50+ old white guy, half our size.
>He starts to mumble something about getting a manager, indecent exposure, other horse shit.
>I’m pale as fuck, deer in headlights mode while Bacon bits is using my stupor to try to find my dick through my pants.
>Jake reiterates
>”you ain’t doing anything man, she’s got cancer.”
>The usher is full of wats, jake explains.
>”Fucking look at her, she’s 23 years old, and the cancer has fucked with her so much she’s stopped growing years ago. “
>”She’s got a major operation tomorrow, she may die, and all she wanted was one more night like a regular girl, not some freakshow. “
>”And here you are, shining flashlights at her, so everyone knows know, how do you feel about that, old man?”
>He sputters something incoherent, Jake askes him to repeat himself.
>”S-sorry sir, I didn’t mean to intrude, sorry miss.”
>He shuffles down the stairs, a broken man.
>Jake sits down, flops his still hard dick out, and puts her face on it.
>makes eye contact with me and tips a wink.
>I spend the rest of the movie in the bathroom, playing on phone, trying to ignore the fact that I was fondled by a freshman.
If you want moar, it’ll take a sec to remember it all and greentext it. Be advised, if you don’t believe it, don’t- but I changed the names for their own protection.
I thought about posting a pic of us last time I posted the first story, but theres only like 3 pics of the two of us together, and theyre all on FB- so theres no point in changing names if you can backtrack the pics. He lives about 5 hours away now too.
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The final(?) part of the Jake Chronicles!
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You can use printscreen to screen cap and then crop the picture. I don't think you can track through that. I just figured Jake should get some recognition for his bad assery, but if you're concerned, don't worry about it
i thank you vastly for putting these together
I could, but then that kinda defeats the purpose, you know? I mean, My Jake could be your Dave. We could be one friend apart, /b/ro, and never know it- but knowing theres friends out there, like mine, makes you feel better about your friends, and all the shit they've done for you, that you didn't even notice. Maybe it makes you want to be that best bro to one of your friends. The spirit of Jake is in all of us /b/ros, and we should invite him over more often.
Dude you're a fucking saint
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I like you.
/B/rophet? is that you?
No problem man

You sir are a gentleman and a scholar! Next time you see that motherfucker buy him a drink for all of us.
>God-tier bro status
You're my hero if this is true

> it's not

Thanks guise, I usually lurk, maybe I'll try to meet up with him soon, we usually meet at a waffle house or hit the range about once a month. I'll let him know he's an honorary /b/ro, and see if we can get up to some new shenanigans soon.

Thanks for reading guys- I appreciate it.
>my best greentext
Well shit then, buy him a box of ammo! Even better than a drink imo.
nice quads
so fucking fake
so fucking gay
Thanks, I rolled it myself
Alright so I have a tard story that I'll post for you guys. I have posted it before but it's been on a different computer that's all fucked up now so it's not pre-typed, sorry. Keep in mind that for this story I was only ever receiving texts about what was going on.

>My buddy (we'll call him E) used to do a co-op job at a grocery store when we were in senior year high school.
>This grocery store had a tendency to hire tards from our school and surrounding schools (more co-op programs) because they're idiots and do not know the havoc these beasts can wreck.
>Anyways, I get a text from E one day and he's just freaking out.
>Naturally I'm like, what happened?
>E had a tendency to take shits on his lunch break.
>He was sitting doing he business when all of a sudden BOOM
>The door to the bathroom got slammed or kicked open or some shit.
>E is mildly concerned at this point but nothing too bad.
>In this bathroom with like 5 stalls the fucker picks the stall right beside him.
>By this point E is all annoyed and is trying to ignore the dude in the stall beside him.
>E starts finishing up his business and is about to get up when he hears a wet slapping sound.
>Realizes its this motherfucker masturbating in the stall right beside him. Flips shit and bails from the bathroom into the break room.
>Turns out its this one tard who works in the deli.
And so began the reign of the tard we dubbed The Fap Bandit. More to come soon.
quads speak the truth
Go on
as someone who ishaving trouble adapting to this shitty country, fuck you.
The Chronicle of the Fap Bandit part 2
>A couple of weeks later (or some shit it was a couple years back I don't really remember) I get another text from E.
>Well then, do tell.
>E had obviously tried to avoid going on lunch until after the tard had already gone, but apparently this day E had thought tard wasn't working.
>E was taking his shit when BOOM the door got kicked in again.
>E is freaking out but thinking to himself, hey that only happened once, maybe it'll be fine this time.
>This time the Fap Bandit kicks the stall door beside E in and sits down.
>E is halfway through shitting and is paralyzed.
>He's trying to hurry but to no avail.
>Suddenly hears aggressive slapping in the stall next to him.
>E for whatever reason decides to look down at the shiny floor tiles and sees a reflection.
>E suddenly realises he is looking straight into the eyes of the Fap Bandit while he's mashing his potato with his hammy fist.
>Fap Bandit freaks out. Starts slamming the side of the stall while shrieking as loud as possible.
>E literally has the shit scared out of him.
>This continues until E manages to finish up and gtfo
>E is sitting in the breakroom along with a group of disturbed onlookers when the Bandit comes out.
>The motherfucker had white stains all over his black work shirt and goes straight back to work.
>E is just praying to god he washed his hands.

The Chronicle of the Fap Bandit part 3: The finale
This is the last part that involves the fap bandit, but it is not the last E story so if you want more let me know cause there are some good ones remaining.
>A month or so later, now in a new semester.
>E has completely avoided taking shits at work now due to the obvious reasons.
>However the night before he had some spicy mexican food and his bowels are screaming for sweet, sweet release.
>Tries to go as quickly as possible.
>E sits down and the moment he begins to take his shit the door slams open BOOM.
>A bunch of mumbling voices can be overheard as they walk into the bathroom.
>Through the cracks in the bathroom stall E sees a bunch of retards.
>As E would later discover, the Fap Bandit had literally assembled every male retard and led them to the bathroom.
>The Fap Bandit takes the stall next to E, after kicking in its door, while another tard take the one on the other side of him. There's two or three others outside of the stall.
>The fap bandit begins to shriek setting off all the other tards.
>The Fap Bandit, the tard on the other side of E, and one right in front of E's stall door began slamming on the stall that E's inside.
>Scaring the shit out of him again.
>E's quickly finishing up when he notices that the Fap Bandit had stopped slamming on his stall while the others had continued.
>He hears meat slapping.
>Of course.
>E finishes up and barrels through two retards on his way out the door.
>E immediately goes to discuss it with the owner of the store (his manager had been unsympathetic up until this point) and because he and the owner were tight managers had to escort the tards to the bathroom from then on.
>E will never be the same after that and really despises the subject being brought up. But fuck him its funny.
I'm so fucking tired, and I have never wanted to lurk so badly. Go on.
Another tard story involving E, This one I was actually present for.
So a couple of things need to be clarified for this story. Though E may have been emotionally scarred from the Fap Bandit E is not normally one to give a fuck. Like the dude had been suspended a lot of times from school and generally did not give a fuck about authority. Like seriously the dude has been diagnosed bi-polar or some shit, so that mixed with a lack of respect for authority is a fascinating mix.
>either it was the year before the Fap Bandit or the Fap Bandit story happened in Junior year.
>Cause during this period E had gym last period and I had a spare so I would meet up with him in the last ten minutes before class ended so we could chill.
>One day they're playing volleyball.
>Every now and again E has to share the gym with the tards.
>So as E is just sitting on the bleachers chilling we notice some shit is going down.
>We'll identify them as tard 1 and tard 2.
>Something happened and 1 is angry yelling at 2 in the unintelligble speech of tards. 2 is yelling back but gesturing with his arms. They're on opposite sides of the court from another.
>1 takes this as some sort of tai chi challenge and beings to take random martial arts poses in slow motion.
>2 joins in but starts acting as though he's throwing fireballs or some shit.
>E and I are just stunned at this point
>They start yelling louder and louder until it boils over
>2 runs full tilt at 1.
>Volleyball has nets...
>2 runs full tilt into the net and gets slammed back onto the ground.
>out cold.
>E and I are killing ourselves laughing but 1 takes this as we're laughing at him. He starts running at E.
>There's not nets between him and us, shit.
>He starts swinging his arms and shit yelling, the tard wranglers are too busy tending to 2.
>E waits for him to get into range and just straight up punched him in the nose.
>out cold.
>We're dying laughing and end up with detention.
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