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/b/, I fucked up
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The stories and information posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood.
Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact.

You are currently reading a thread in /b/ - Random

Thread replies: 198
Thread images: 68
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/b/, I fucked up

>be me
>camping with cousin and family friends
>want to prank them while they sit around the campfire
>we both pee inside a water bottle
>cousin will throw it into the fire to make it stink
>we approach
>he puts it in
>the cap is on
>the plastic is shrinking, the piss is boiling
>i'm jabbing it with a stick to relieve pressure
>it sprays
>molten piss steam is exploding out of it
>hear a horrible scream
>lady across fire got hit in eye with piss steam, won't stop saying fuck, runs back to trailer
>it smells like piss so bad
>everyone can't believe we did this
>uncle enters rage mode
>cousin says "it looks more like you were pissed on"
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This all started a few weeks ago.
>Friends over
>one friend shits in bag
>also pisses in huge arizona 1 gallon jug
>"hey we should start only pissing in jugs and smelling it every once in a while"
>From now on we piss in jugs
>Already have more than 2 gallons and counting
>I love the sweet aroma
I love it.
So much.
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You didn't fuck up, you did good.
I WISH I could cover my relatives in scalding-hot piss-steam.

this thread is fucking killing me
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waiting for moar
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>be 24 months ago
>be scrubbin in my tub
> realize there's not enough golden liquid everywhere
>pretty cold outside too
>put the stove burners on high
>piss into a pot
>put top ramen in it as well
>let it boil while shaving my nads
>reaches boiled point
>pour it on my head and let it trickle down my body
>blisters and ramen seasoning all over my body
>run to nearest convenience store to buy scratch off lottery tickets
>fucking never get a winning ticket
>never win anything ever
Reminds me

>drinking at friends
>have cramps
>ignoring it
>drink 3 more beers
>start to feel worse
>head for toilet
>i wait 5 minutes
>about to shit my pants
>go to backyard
>didn't even make it past patio
>have to squat
>liquid shit splatting with the force of a firehose on slick concrete patio
>wipe my ass with magazine sitting on table crumpling up the pages and throwing them over fence
>be later
>friends want to go skinnydipping in his pool
>they run outside naked and drunk
>i stay inside plotting my escape
>hear a few loud thumps and desperate yelling
>don't know what to do
>run outside into bushes
>amberlamps comes
>hide in bushes the rest of the night
>parents pick me up in the morning
>never heard what happened
>be 24 months ago
Say hwhat?
bumping for more op
Capped these too.
Ok I have one more

>jacking off in grandma's shower
>using lathered soap as lube
>finish, turn off shower
>dick still soapy, towel it off
>next morning
>most intense burning i have ever felt on my virgin cock n bals
>peek under sheets
>cock is beet red
>6 hours later cock starts to peel
>manage to peel off a perfect molt of my cock
>i was impressed, left it on the bed to save for pics
>forgot about it
>gma calls house, mom picks up
>hear mom's tone of voice change
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That's the only part that confused you?

better cap >>550303698 too this is amazing
Done, and done.

Bump. This shit can't 404 yet it's too good
>forgot image because i'm so damn smart

>got stuck on the capcha for this post for like 10 minutes
Speaking of seeing god

>bought salvia from the headshop
>going to smoke it for first time with cousins
>get the bowls packed
>hit 3 in a row
>feel the pull
>i'm in a cornfield with dark pillow figures all tickling me
>i feel myself scream
>becoming one with the cornstalks
>feel my seeds falling to the grey earth
>earth becomes my cousin's vagina
>feel the power
>quickly fade back into this dimension
>cousins are staring at me
>her mom heard it from across the house
>thinks we're on drugs
op, how are you so incredibly fucked up?
>thinks we're on drugs
I can't possibly imagine why.
I don't know. I have accumulated hundreds of similar stories.

>be me
>parents leaving
>home alone for the first time
>running around naked
>humping everything
>go into sister's room
>hump her gamecube
>hump her parakeet cage
>hump her soft pillows
>going to town on her silk sheets
>hear bathroom door open across the hall
>what the fuck nobody is home
>still going at it
>my sister caught me fucking her sheets
Agreed my good man 4199
>>550306301 cont.

>make eye contact with her
>don't know what to do
>book it for the door, fully erect
>slam into sister, we both fall to the ground
>her pj's feel so fucking good on my dick
>instinctively wrap my legs around her leg
>i can't control my humping
>she's screaming and trying to get up
>i can't stop
>start to feel something building
>like lightning in my dick
>violently cum
>am 7, nothing comes out
>i think i accidentally raped my older sister as a kid
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I can't get enough of this thread so I'm bumping again
Caps please.
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This thread is gold. Don't stop OP
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Forget capping, let's archive this.
Here's one for you

>home alone again
>hear about the peanut butter on cock trick
>put it on my asshole
>present myself to dog
>starts licking furiously
>tickles so much
>best fap i've had yet
>almost white out from orgasm
>goes without incident
>dog won't stop smacking mouth
>parents get home, dog still smacking mouth
>dad is pissed off at the noise
>pulls dogs lips up
>sees peanut butter remnants
>"anon, did you give dog peanut butter"
>"yeah i saw it on AFV"
>crisis averted
>mom does laundry
>sees brown stain in underwear
>"anon, don't you wipe when you go #2?"
>"oh that's just peanut butter"
>just realize what i've done
>parents don't look me in the eyes for months
>turtles and blood everywhere
dude you just made me remember something totally weird from my childhood

i used to carefully fart into jars so that a week or two later i could smell them when i opened them up.

not sure what i got out of that but im excited to try it again... wtf is wrong with me|

captcha: but dumuge
I can confirm: never use anything you find in the shower
I think I understand reality now.
This is all fake.
You, me, all the people we know, all the people THEY know...all fake.
Our world is a raunchy sitcom, and OP is the star. We are all just bit characters.
bump keep going op
that was gold 10/10
Mother didn't know whether or not you had a pet snake? Funny as fuck, but kinda hard to believe.
One for you too

>going to school in back of grandma's van
>sitting next to cousinbro
>he starts puking into the cupholder
>making me nauseous
>can't hold it in
>puke in my cupholder
>completely filled, orange chunks sliding down the outside
>don't say anything
>she comes to pick me up after school
>puke cups are still full, completely congealed
>smell is overwhelming
>start feeling sick again
>puke in the cupholder again
>just cascades down the side
>grandma is stinky hoarder, completely oblivious
>still there for months
>smells like puke and mold
>we continue to add to the collection
>it's there to this day
>can smell it from the outside
>nobody sat in the backseat but us
OP, seriously.
Write an autobiography.
Or rather don't, because Chuck Palahniuk will accuse you of plagiarism.
I used to hide things like that from her all the time. She never knew what to think
This thread is gold!
please continue
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Keep going
Okay, this one I almost don't believe.
Bump for justice
well damn, all and all your childhood sounds pretty interesting.
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I... I got into an epic thread early... I think I might cry...
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epic bread


Also, I've never used this site. Did I archive it wrong or anything?
so /g/ apzarently there was anovther bicoin leak pastebin 7pbmALJa
take your unfunny animu and leave
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Post moar
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But... This is an anime website.
Toasting in an epic bread
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Solid gold OP
You are not a fag, for once.

>captcha: 166
Funny things happen to me but I always forget them when these threads happen.
this thread is retarded, fuck every shill that says otherwise
>be 8 or so
>have a crush on a girl in my 2nd grade class
>she's wearing short shorts
>get the balls to express my feelings for her
>i try to think of something nice to say
>autism intensifies, involuntarily go for gold
>class suddenly gets quiet
>"those are the legs i'd definitely have sex with"
>teacher totally heard that
>asks to talk to me during lunch
>tells me how what i said was inappropriate and asked how my home life is
>can't stop looking at her boobs
>can't fucking stop
>oh god why am i doing this
>she writes referral
>go to office, sit with bearded principle
>he's being really stern, trying to scare me
>"you know what happens to adults that act the way you do? they go to jail."
>start crying
>don't remember the rest of the day
>worst friday ever
>sexy girl isn't in my class anymore
>parents make me go to counseling
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>be me
>mom has collection of dildos under her bed
>seriously, there was like 12 of them
>get bored one day
>mom was cleaning under the bed
>that was her excuse anyway and I hope to god it's true
>can't find her dildos, all of them gone
>instantly knows I am up to something
>she was too late, my art was done
>comes running outside and to the sandbox, where I was
>the dildos were now buildings
>I made a city of cocks
>neighbor just leaning against the fence and watching
>mom destroys the city and sprints inside with arms full of cocks
>still proud of the city I built to this day
pls go
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Here's the pick without the ugly of android
city of dildos.. that needs to be an album cover
>screen capping copypasta

Really? What are you, reddit?
I can't stop it. My sides are.... not sides anymore
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Yeah, you went for the gold.
nope nope nope.
I don't believe you any more
>Be me in the 8th grade
>new kid shows up, we become friends
>Willie, the new kid, basically becomes my bitch, gives me money when I ask for it.
>fuck it, not going to school today
>go back the next day, don't see Willie. Must be sick
>week later, still not there.
>ask what happened, he was expelled.
>got caught fapping to a children's book
>What a fag, glad he's gone. Zero fucks given.
I think your original post was when you really went for the gold.
oh my god kill yourself
I wish
keep fagging it up faggot
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go back to reddit faggot
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No, this is Patrick.
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>oh my god kill yourself

It's like being on tumblr, but not on tumblr.
hit the print screen button, open up ms paint, and hit paste.


>hurr i can't screenshot
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10/10 im in literal tears
better yet, something like lightshot that streamlines the process a shit ton.
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>>"oh that's just peanut butter"
Better than shit :D
>origins dictate contemporary behavior
go sacrifice a ram to asator, weaboo faggot
why dont you get a life?
>7th grade
>live in new house next to my best friend
>has such a hot older sister
>god i fapped to her millions of times
>have to take piano lessons
>practicing william tell overture for piano recital
>hear their family pull into their driveway
>can see them from the window
>start playing as loud as possible so my love would hear and be impressed
>looking over my shoulder as i'm playing
>see them taking groceries out of the car
>staring at my love bend over picking up bags
>stepfather comes back from house to get another load of groceries
>glances by my window, double takes
>stares at me
>sees me hunched over looking over my shoulder, playing piano, while staring at my love
>freak out and close blinds and cough cause that seemed like normal
>they stopped answering the doorbell when i came over
>didn't say goodbye when i moved
>needs to streamline the process
holy fuck
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i know, but i (presumably correctly) assumed him to be too retarded to be aware of any program that isn't ms paint
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It's still an anime website.

I work at walmart. I have 10x more life than you will ever have.
oh. my. fucking. god. you are the archetype of /b/.
not really.

shit is understandable.

"hey you got a skidmark"
"no that is just peanut butter"

what is more likely to hear next:
A. "peanut butter? oh ok, nevermind then, everything adds up."
B."what the fuck is peanut butter doing in your underwear?!?"

if your answer was A, you are Autistic
oh wow, you must either be some sort of minority, an old leathery tweaker, or a wonderful combination of the two
>on /b/
>has a life
Choose one, weaboo faggot.
kekkest of tops
only on /a/, which is where you should get back to
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>I work at walmart. I have 10x more life than you will ever have.
The fuck's wrong with making things more efficient?
I'm happy to say that I haven't ever had a reason to open paint. The upload feature is a lot handier than just saving, so bit eh for screencaps, but does both well.
>doesn't make things as efficient as possible with no losses
>brags about working at wal-mart
confirmed for troll
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I'll just leave this here.
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You really think that?
one of you fuckers needs to archive this. screencaps will not do justice anymore.
>b-b-but you have to love and accept me!

Get out, weeaboo.
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tl;dr you're a faggot
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pic related
You'll never guess what I did like half an hour ago.
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so much of this

fuck your weaboo bullshit
A few greentext stories do not an epic thread make.
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enjoyable bread
good bread
these ones fucking do.
Best bread
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Almost forgot one

>be 7
>had a friend over for sleepover
>playing with a dartboard
>last dart breaks because we are dipshits
>"I know what else we can use"
>go into moms room
>grab one of the cock rods
>mother comes into kitchen to find me holding one of her toys with a suction cup on the back
>grasp the head with both hands and whip it at the fridge with all might
>just right angle, makes a loud slap and sticks to the board
>head of the dildo bobs up and down as if it was saying '....pretty good'
>get sent to my room, friend sent home
>grandma is stinky hoarder, completely oblivious
lost. my. fucking. shit.
Why would anyone other than a mod write this?
I feel like I wasted time reading it, even though it's clear whoever wrote it put at least some level of work into it.
Honestly though, does the person who wasted their time writing this really think it will change the minds of people complaining about a lack of order on 4chan?
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Most people on /b/ came here from memebase and 9gag because we're the "meme factory" and haven't a single clue how this website works and then go an derail threads over a single reaction image.
>writing that long ass shit
>about 4chan
i like anime but jesus man,this guy needs to understand shit won't matter
>gma is hoarder
>only place to sleep in her house is the living room couch
>surrounded by fortress of boxes
>couch is comfy
>start to fap in the safety of box fortress
>have the need for other stimulation
>find bubble wrap in the hoard
>roll up and spit inside for lube
>put in between couch cushions and start fucking it furiously
>couch knocking on the wall, don't care at this point
>grandparents are oblivious to everything
>have gorilla orgasm into bubblewrap
>put it under couch cushions
>do this every time i'm there
>easily 20 used bubblepussies under cushions
>hear them crinkle when i lay down every time
>one night my cousin comes in with me
>she sits down and hears the crinkle
>moves butt around on cushion to make it crinkle more, saying "what the hell"
>flips cushion over
>sees payload of bubble pussies
>smells like semen, even cuts through the smell of cat shit and ammonia of the hoard
>i ask what they are
>she unrolls one and smells it for a really, really long time
>looks at it confused
>"is this cum? did you do this?"
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Well it's pretty annoying when people don't understand that it is not uncommon or against the rules to post just a simple reaction image. Though, I do see what some people are getting at. People who derail threads by complaining about anime are to stupid to even understand the simple and unspoken ways of 4chan.
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losing my shit currently

>mfw gorilla orgasm
>mfw bubblepussies
I laughed so hard it came out silently. I convulsed in silent hilarity for about 40 second... Thank you.
Or they want to derail the thread, and do it in a very efficient way...
yeah,so why bother?
i rarely see it anymore too
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I actually see it quite a bit on /b/.
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Not really that relevant but hey its a good story I've never told anyone so why not

>be me
>4 or 5 or some shit
>take shower
>go to my room to change
>drop towel
>hear someone yell my name
>grab my jeans quickly and thrust them up
take note I never wore underwear at this point in my life, just always felt comfy as shit going commando
>zip zipper
>oh snap
>look down
>tip of my uncircumcised dick is on the wrong side of the fully zipped zipper
>yell for my mom
>no response
>brother hears distress in my voice comes in
>sees it and turns pale
>the adrenaline and sheer shock makes it not hurt for all of like 30 seconds until the pain of my fucking dick being compressed by sharp metal daggers comes into play
ill cont I guess
omfg haha lol XD
>at uncles house
>is tweaker
>has autistic fits about everything
>watches tv all night
>sleeping on his couch, listening to his tv
>he comes over to me and farts on my face
>this is war
>go back to his room
>squeeze one as hard as i can
>silent and stinkless
>"that was nothing but a dribble in the britches anon
>feel ashamed
>get bicycle pump from his tweaker shed
>pump air into my ass
>waddle back into his room
>unload a machine gun blast of air onto his face
>literaly blown away
>mfw i imagine his mustache blowing in my ass breeze
meant that i was sleeping on his couch
fucking lol'd
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Elle Chan doesn't take any shit from ignorant anons
Fuck man everything you've posted has given me a gut laugh I envy your life
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Holy shit op. if this is all fake then you are a comedic genius. if not, thank you for being alive, i laughed so hard at bubblepussies i got a fucking nosebleed, i present to you these awesome shiny tits
How have they not made a movie about you?
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would fuck those tits like a virgine bubblepussy

i want david lynch to direct it
Welcome, newfriend. Please learn how to use proper greentext syntax.
...this sounds like the perfect fucking movie
i would own multiple copies of this movie
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>start screaming for mom
>brother tells me to shut up, insists we don't need her and he can fix it
>stares at it for honestly enough time for Michael Angelo to paint the Sistine Chapel
>all of a sudden grabs the tab and yanks down
>doesn't work for fucking shit
>dicks bleeding, I'm screaming
>mom comes running in sees it and shrieks
>says she'll call my dad immediately
>dad is down the street, for some reason my family assumes waiting for him is best because he must be some sort of dick expert??
>he hauls ass home
>sees it tells my brother to grab the needlenose
>brother gets them
>dad takes the pliers and takes a hard rip at it
>no avail, I'm squirming in pain thinking I'm gonna lose my dick
>moms trying to shove some old pair of sweat pants in my mouth because she thinks "if you bite down on something it stops the pain"
>yeah the fuck right now I'm yelling at my mom to gtfo
>dad is yelling at me to sit still
>brother is laughing his ass off
>finally dad just gets pissed and rips the zipper down
>blood all over favorite pair of jeans
>spend rest of the day laying in living room with ice pack on my junk thanking god I'm alive
i remembermy first day on b too
I have to agree.
you're trying to subtley make it look like your an oldfag with file names, but come on man, these posts are shit tier 9gag boilerplate.
>first day on b too

And then you get used to it and it becomes boring.

im choking to death on my own fucking saliva i cant fucking breathe
holy shit op

>/k/ is for people who enjoy anime to discuss guns with people who enjoy anime
>/g/ is for people who enjoy anime to discuss technology with people who enjoy anime
>/sp/ is for people who enjoy anime to discuss sports with people who enjoy anime

Does it say Weapons/Anime general?
Does it say technology/Anime general?
Does it say sports/Anime general?

>this does not mean that everyone on 4chan must like sports, guns, technology, video games, my little pony
Why does it not say anime anywhere in there?
Bias and unfair to me

Ive seen a multitude of people ruin threads with off topic anime posting
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haha die
that's not how you make jenkem
You shouldn't have poked it
Alright you guys, one more and I'm out.

>move to new neighborhood
>hot asian qt3.14 from jr high lives across the street
>msgs me on myspace talking about how she likes my xmas lights
>don't know what to say
>try to be cute
>"if you're a good girl i'll show them up close"
>no msgs for an hour
>get buttmad
>see her at school next day
>totally avoids me
>super buttmad at this point
>boner for her won't go down
>get home
>her fob dad is waiting for me in the driveway
>angriest look i've ever seen
>starts yelling at me in front of my mom
>goes on a tirade, i awkwardly go inside with mom
>mom asks what that's about
>"asians don't celebrate xmas mom"
>mustache blowing in my ass breeze

More like pet worm, amirightguys!?!?!
>not using puu.sh
>"asians don't celebrate xmas mom"
this worm wouldn't mind crawlin in your mud big boy
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this guy's right
it's always been like this
>>i think i accidentally raped my older sister as a kid
Lost my shit
>be me at camping trip
>family around camp fire
>pretend to be a bear
>start roaring softly then louder like a bear that is approaching
>get right behind sister
>ROAR in her ear
>hear a loud bang
>realize it's a gun shot and sister has been hit
>mfw my drunk uncle shot his .45 at me and missed
>aunt is screaming
>15 year old cousin is crying
>I scream "OMGOMGOMG ARE YOU OK?!?!?"
>I freaking the shit out and start peeing everywhere uncontrollably
>sister quotes her favorite poem with her last breath,
"It looks more like a dream my friends,
It looks more like it's a bittersweet real,
It looks more like a favorite end,
It looks more like how I thought we would feel.

It looks more like how you said it would,
It looks more like the star you wished on,
It looks.. more... like.... a fan..tasy..... played......it's... part.....
>sister is on her last breath when suddenly
>cousin says "it looks more like you were pissed on"
I guess plastic water bottles don't melt anymore?
>mfw this thread
Keep it up you glorious bastard
Is /b/ usually this autistic?
OP Your stories have changed me
one more for old times sake, OP?
Today the OP was not a faggot! :)These stories are FUNNY
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I totally see how your opinion matters here.

lol jk

It truly truly is

I haven't browsed in a while, and after this I really wont be coming back for a long time
same thing happened to me minus the grandma bit. It hurt for days and I had to walk funny so when people asked what's up with the weird walk I told them I hurt myself playing football. I was seriously really scared for a day or two but was too embarrassed to go to the doctor
>at friends house
>drinking a bit
>it gets late everyone decides to sleep
>I'm not all that tired yet
>watch a movie
>get urge to fap
>go into computer room
>fall asleep WHILE masturbating
>get woken up by friends mom with dick in my hand
>'tis me
>Been a hairy mother fucker since I was a little shit
>Nicknamed 'Yeti' at school
>Laying in bed wide awake
>Decide to pull out dried shit nuggets from between ass cheeks to kill time
>I just put them on the table beside my bed
>Sooner or later I have a nice little pile of faecal matter mixed with ass hairs
>Go to sleep
>The next day, babysitting my younger sisters at my apartment
>One sister on the computer, the other on my bed using her phone
>Realise Mc Ass Nuggets are still on the table
>Sneakily scoot along and brush them onto the ground between bed and table
>Sisters had been planning to surprise attack me
>Both start to leap onto me
>I'm an ambidextrous masturbator so I am pretty strong
>One sister gets flung to the floor
>Other sister gets flung onto the bed, but slips off and lands on the ground by the bed
>The both eventually give up
>Folks come pick them up
>Mother notices something on one of sister
>"Looks like you have dirt on you from your sports" (sisters play soccer then stay at mine)
>Mother brushes it off
>They leave
> Later see said dirt by the doorway
>'Dirt' was the remnants of a few days worth of shit from my ass crack.
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>not dicking his mom
What are you? gay?
god damn it. i made it this far without laughing.
you got me at getting the pump from the shed.
thanks for the laugh m8
Dear god this thread is TOP QUALITY.
they won't melt if there is a liquid in there. They did a survivor man episode with this exact theme pointing out that you can boil water in a plastic bottle.
/b/, you haven't lost it yet
you can even boil water in a sheeth of paper folded into a box
Man that was funny
>I've seen a multitude of people ruin threads with off topic anime posting

A. That doesn't make it right, nor does it make it okay.
B. Most of the animu shitposting on /k/ is /k/ related, the same with /k/ vidya and /k/ music threads. It's off topic, but related to the topic.
>>I'm an ambidextrous masturbator so I am pretty strong
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