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Archived threads in /b/ - Random - 5676. page

The stories and information posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood.
Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact.

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Inhale.

Take in as much air as you can.

This story should last about as long as you can hold your breath, and then just a little bit longer. So listen as fast as you can.

A friend of mine, when he was thirteen years old he heard about "pegging." This is when a guy gets banged up the butt with a dildo. Stimulate the prostate gland hard enough, and the rumor is you can have explosive hands-free orgasms. At that age, this friend's a little sex maniac. He's always jonesing for a better way to get his rocks off. He goes out to buy a carrot and some petroleum jelly. To conduct a little private research. Then he pictures how it's going to look at the supermarket checkstand, the lonely carrot and petroleum jelly rolling down the conveyer belt toward the grocery store cashier. All the shoppers waiting in line, watching. Everyone seeing the big evening he has planned.

So, my friend, he buys milk and eggs and sugar and a carrot, all the ingredients for a carrot cake. And Vaseline.

Like he's going home to stick a carrot cake up his butt.

At home, he whittles the carrot into a blunt tool. He slathers it with grease and grinds his ass down on it. Then, nothing. No orgasm. Nothing happens except it hurts.

Then, this kid, his mom yells it's suppertime. She says to come down, right now.

He works the carrot out and stashes the slippery, filthy thing in the dirty clothes under his bed.

After dinner, he goes to find the carrot and it's gone. All his dirty clothes, while he ate dinner, his mom grabbed them all to do laundry. No way could she not find the carrot, carefully shaped with a paring knife from her kitchen, still shiny with lube and stinky.

This friend of mine, he waits months under a black cloud, waiting for his folks to confront him. And they never do. Ever. Even now he's grown up, that invisible carrot hangs over every Christmas dinner, every birthday party. Every Easter egg hunt with his kids, his parents' grandkids, that ghost carrot is hovering over all of them.
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That something too awful to name.

People in France have a phrase: "Spirit of the Stairway." In French: Esprit de l'escalier. It means that moment when you find the answer, but it's too late. Say you're at a party and someone insults you. You have to say something. So under pressure, with everybody watching, you say something lame. But the moment you leave the party…

As you start down the stairway, then -- magic. You come up with the perfect thing you should've said. The perfect crippling put-down.

That's the Spirit of the Stairway.

The trouble is even the French don't have a phrase for the stupid things you actually do say under pressure. Those stupid, desperate things you actually think or do.

Some deeds are too low to even get a name. Too low to even get talked about.

Looking back, kid-psych experts, school counselors now say that most of the last peak in teen suicide was kids trying to choke while they beat off. Their folks would find them, a towel twisted around the kid's neck, the towel tied to the rod in their bedroom closet, the kid dead. Dead sperm everywhere. Of course the folks cleaned up. They put some pants on their kid. They made it look… better. Intentional at least. The regular kind of sad, teen suicide.

Another friend of mine, a kid from school, his older brother in the Navy said how guys in the Middle East jack off different than we do here. This brother was stationed in some camel country where the public market sells what could be fancy letter openers. Each fancy tool is just a thin rod of polished brass or silver, maybe as long as your hand, with a big tip at one end, either a big metal ball or the kind of fancy carved handle you'd see on a sword. This Navy brother says how Arab guys get their dick hard and then insert this metal rod inside the whole length of their boner. They jack off with the rod inside, and it makes getting off so much better. More intense.
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It's this big brother who travels around the world, sending back French phrases. Russian phrases. Helpful jack-off tips.

After this, the little brother, one day he doesn't show up at school. That night, he calls to ask if I'll pick up his homework for the next couple weeks. Because he's in the hospital.

He's got to share a room with old people getting their guts worked on. He says how they all have to share the same television. All he's got for privacy is a curtain. His folks don't come and visit. On the phone, he says how right now his folks could just kill his big brother in the Navy.

On the phone, the kid says how -- the day before -- he was just a little stoned. At home in his bedroom, he was flopped on the bed. He was lighting a candle and flipping through some old porno magazines, getting ready to beat off. This is after he's heard from his Navy brother. That helpful hint about how Arabs beat off. The kid looks around for something that might do the job. A ball-point pen's too big. A pencil's too big and rough. But dripped down the side of the candle, there's a thin, smooth ridge of wax that just might work. With just the tip of one finger, this kid snaps the long ridge of wax off the candle. He rolls it smooth between the palms of his hands. Long and smooth and thin.

Stoned and horny, he slips it down inside, deeper and deeper into the piss slit of his boner. With a good hank of the wax still poking out the top, he gets to work.

Even now, he says those Arab guys are pretty damn smart. They've totally re-invented jacking off. Flat on his back in bed, things are getting so good, this kid can't keep track of the wax. He's one good squeeze from shooting his wad when the wax isn't sticking out anymore.
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The thin wax rod, it's slipped inside. All the way inside. So deep inside he can't even feel the lump of it inside his piss tube.

From downstairs, his mom shouts it's suppertime. She says to come down, right now. This wax kid and the carrot kid are different people, but we all live pretty much the same life.

It's after dinner when the kid's guts start to hurt. It's wax so he figured it would just melt inside him and he'd pee it out. Now his back hurts. His kidneys. He can't stand straight.

This kid talking on the phone from his hospital bed, in the background you can hear bells ding, people screaming. Game shows.

The X-rays show the truth, something long and thin, bent double inside his bladder. This long, thin V inside him, it's collecting all the minerals in his piss. It's getting bigger and more rough, coated with crystals of calcium, it's bumping around, ripping up the soft lining of his bladder, blocking his piss from getting out. His kidneys are backed up. What little that leaks out his dick is red with blood.

This kid and his folks, his whole family, them looking at the black X-ray with the doctor and the nurses standing there, the big V of wax glowing white for everybody to see, he has to tell the truth. The way Arabs get off. What his big brother wrote him from the Navy.

On the phone, right now, he starts to cry.

They paid for the bladder operation with his college fund. One stupid mistake, and now he'll never be a lawyer.

Sticking stuff inside yourself. Sticking yourself inside stuff. A candle in your dick or your head in a noose, we knew it was going to be big trouble.

What got me in trouble, I called it Pearl Diving. This meant whacking off underwater, sitting on the bottom at the deep end of my parents' swimming pool. With one deep breath, I'd kick my way to the bottom and slip off my swim trucks. I'd sit down there for two, three, four minutes.

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Russia is an economically challenged nation of 145 million, less than half of Europe’s population and much less than half of America’s. Its economy is a small fraction of the combined economies of Europe and America. It is not on a war footing. It is not moving forces into position for an invasion. It is not mobilizing.
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>>723567090
Bring back our fucking girls already you monkey.

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How about a thread for those women that must have nudes, but will never see the light of day.

Angie Varona. Takes literally thousands of selfies. No nudes.
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Supposedly her. Hard to believe when there is no face.
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Who is she? She's on my BUCKet list?
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So, I have some 80-85% pure MDMA, and my guy didn't scale out the doses (smart guy), and I have size 000 capsules. Roughly how much would I fill one up, to get a 350mg dose. (doesn't have to be exact, just pretty accurate) >pic would be helpful
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350mg is a pretty serious dose brah
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>>723567767
hush child, I am a professional. All the times I have done this that was the amount I was given and I had a good time, no bad experiences. One time I took about .75. I well aware of how my body will handle this.

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F@aaap
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>>723566964
Galven add me.
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add kik "fucku"
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Add JyoyJ :)

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Shota thread go
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how dis make you feel whiteboi?
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The same thing it makes me feel every time you cucks make one of these delusional threads. Bored.

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The same intel agencies that lied the USA into Vietnam and Iraq are very much involved in anti-Trumpian machinations. For political reasons specifically hostility to Trump, they will say anything that suits their purposes.
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In 1964 the CIA was running various kinds of attacks against North Vietnam, without admitting it. Two intelligence vessels, the Maddox and the Turner Joy, claimed that they had been fired upon by the North. They had not, and if they had been it would not have been unreasonable since the United States was inserting teams of saboteurs into the north. The result, and intention, was to chivy America into wars which devastated three countries and lead to millions of deaths. It worked.
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>>723567607
usa was lying so much times to the world and their own peoplefor moving into war. But what happens, news printing it one day and some years later they are all surprised when it happens again and the lie comes out. Its like they completly forgot the other lies.
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lets hope that will change the next 8 years. thumbs up for trump.

https://youtu.be/rZDln7Kq2vQ

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Has anyone here ever seen a dead person? If so what's it like to see a fellow human completely absent from life?
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>>723567532
It's like you're constantly waiting for the corpse to become alive
Mix of fright and hope
Unexpected memories will come up, though
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>>723567896
if its family,. and ill add, if its someone you know that you deeply care about it takes your breath away, life changes from being however it was before to life after that person died. a piece of you is gone forever

>>723567532
it smells, it fucks with your head, and it brings to your mind the absolute fragility of life. they always seem to look comfortable though
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All hope fades when the body starts to get colder and colder

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Do any of you have experience with recovering from years of death grip?

I usually have no problem getting an erection but blowjobs and sex, especially with condoms, do next to nothing for me and I often lose it in the middle of the act.

For now I plan to go on a two week nofap and then do a light fap or use a fleshlight with a condom once a week. I hope this helps.
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>>723567533
Get a life in the spare time
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>>723567710
Working on it, that's why I'm putting benis in vagina.
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>>723567836
Definitely you are not doing it

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can a person pull another person up from a cliffhanger situation...feet are locked in, but the other person is dead weight and equal weight to the person pulling them up..
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>>723567606
depends on the strength of the person pulling, as well as other factors like grip, angle, etc.

generally humans can lift their own body weight within reason, more so during desperate situations, where Adrenalin can override the pain responses and effectively allow you to damage your own body and go past its normal limits.
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>>723567606

see : Deadlift
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>>723567606
I can't

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What are your thoughts on incest?
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As long as those involved are consenting adults and use contraception it shouldn't be anyone else's business, really.
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>>723567174
Hate them. Really hate them. I use Fly Spray a lot to kill them, but the smell annoys me.
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>>723567174
I like surfing on the incest. I think the incest is the greatest invention of our times.

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Anzu thread

OP needs to fill his gas chamber folder edition
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>>723567398
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>>723567481
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>>723567512

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[SHAVING ASS]

Anons, I'm a male but I have too much hair in between my asscheeks. I'm planning on going to a clinic to do a permanent hair removal thing. To be able to clean easily and look better.

However, I have hairy legs and I like them this way. Is it too weird to have shaved ass + hairy legs? I couldn't find any pictures online.

Any tips from male anons concerning this issue are welcome.
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just start with between the cheeks. should be fine for hygiene and ass play.
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wax it you pussy

only underaged retards shave
everybody that tried it hated it
stop smoking and wax instead you'll get off on the pain eventualy
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>>723567446
just wachs between your cheeks. don't do it yourself though ask a probably female friend they know all about this stuff

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Friend's little sister keeps messaging me, dubs decides what I do/say
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Hey! You're cute
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if u want somethin from me, show me your tits so i know what im working with
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>>723567479
rollin for this

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