What kooky and weird things do you say to your pet? I always tell mine "you will never replace the son I've lost".
We call our black cat Panther (that isn't her name, but it has become her name) and now we use different variations of Panther. Panfur, Furpan, Pantherian, Fatther. Huskther (she is husky). My bf calls her a fat missile when she sits with all her paws tucked in....because she looks like a fat missile.
I have full on dramatic consversations with my dog like I'm in a play or some shit.
>woof! woof! woof!
>stand up suddenly
>"oh, i just can't take this anymore! this abuse!"
>"this, this is what i'm talking about!"
>"i know other couples don't fight like this, i'm no fool!"
>"ha! you always know just what to say, don't you?"
>"after all these years, you've finally done it. you've finally broken me"
>"but once i am broken, i can be broken no more. so i'm leaving you! there is no more for you to do!"
>dog hops up and pokes at me
>"your bullying will keep me here no longer! i'm leaving!"
>stride out into hall
>dog chases in confusion
>shut self in bathroom and wail while dog scrapes at the door
>pick up and pet dog, telling her the critics loved it
I spend too much time home alone.
My 80 lb German short-haired pointer cannot STAND raspberries.
He hates the noise so much.
Also, he whines like a bitch when I pet him and I have long conversations with him "oh I know!!! It's so pitiful! Nobody likes you nobody loves you!"
His name is Shiner Bock, but we call him Whiner.
i call my cat ro-tel, rotunda, porky buns, thunderbuns, tubby and dull, and a host of other nicknames. her official name is miss sassafras kittypants. she is obviously very fat.
I talk mad shit about my dog, all the time but in a playful way that sounds like I just pulled insults from an 80's movie bully... like calling him a Dorkinese, a Labradurrr, a Cockhead Spaniel, and Retardo Montalban.
And he always know when I'm talking about him but is just stupidly happy I'm paying attention to him.
I constantly tell my iguana I'm going to turn him into a wallet or decapitate him or feed him to my friends boa.
Especially when theres this 1-2 week period where his claws are too short to clip and they are razor sharp so he shreds my arms/shoulders climbing up and down them/clinging to them when I try to bathe him
Idk I sing them songs but I replace all of the lyrics with my doggo's name and syllables there of.
If we're not equal on the nuts scale I might have an edge
I tell my cat "you're not people. you will never be people"
Occasionally when she misbehaves I come pick her up and just hold her and don't put her down as soon as she'd like and say "this is what you wanted."
Also I call her "stupid" in some way about forty times a day.
I remind the cat she is a cat every half hour. I'll put a conference call on mute so i can remind her. Not because she forgets, but i want to remind her that i know and she can't pull the wool over my eyes.
I also graphically call her a slut and often the furry jew, and that i'm a good goy, scooping her shill nuggets.
Please tell me you arnt single.
(Assuming you're a women)
I have 2 dogs, And I call them both CAT'S! Saying all the time every dog's a wiener dog! And a cat we've rescued from near death. Duncan, turned out to be female. So I call her Dunkin' as in the donut shop. Making donuts for the family. Our dogs get the pleasure of all crazy names. Like boob, Bob Mills, Cat wiener, Crambo, Willy, guinea pig. Yea, all those names for all different occasions.
I pretend that I'm reading things to my dog when really I'm just making it up
example, on their birthday: "look Dog,this jar of pickles says 'gift for Dog'" it's hilarious because i take pickles out to eat and offer them one and they run off because both hate the smell of pickles they're the only person food i can offer them that they refuse to even try
Then I tell them maybe if they had passed the first grade they would know that it didn't actually say that I made it up
Also this isn't exactly the same thing but i've gotten those candies that are like a sweet stick and you squirt this sour paste on it (cant remember what its called damn) and i let them taste the sweet stick and then put the sour stuff on it and let them lick it again and their faces it was so funny i bought the candy again to trick them again
>"This is MY toy. I bought it. I bought it with my own money, that i got from work! Job? You dont even have any moneys, YOUR A DOG! Gibmedat"
"Maybe we a can find you a nice guy, one with a job unlike that fat lazy pit next door. Maybe athletic, strong, smart... You know, like a german. Shepard."
>"You getting schniffy?"
>"Look at that BIGN HONKIN. SCHNAWZ."
Random sound effects, childtalk, overdramatic outrageous convos, and one-sided narrations of whatever im doing.
One of my cats has a habit of tapping me with her paw for attention. That's when I start scratching her ears and rubbing her tummy and tell her "Oh it must be time to give kitties her rubbies and scratchies! I just HAVE to give her all of the rubbies and scratchies because it's the law... and you wouldn't want me to go to jail now... would you??"
Sometimes I sit and his at my sneks.
I feel like I am Harry Potter.
When my cat was a kitten I used to ask her "are you hungry, girl?" and back then she'd give me the cutest pathetic little mews in response to that question.
Fast forward to years later and I ask her that famous question and she roars at me.
>I remind the cat she is a cat every half hour.
"You are a cat" and "you are a Pug" must be the two most-frequently spoken phrases in my house.
I also tell my recently adopted kitten "It's not like I like you or anything, b-baka!" once per day.