My gf is pretty insecure and thinks she can't come up with ideas. She gets paralysed by choices and quite often just stalls until someone else makes the choice for her. She has no confidence to give or even to form opinions on basically anything subjective (films, books, music, etc.). She has preferences, but can't articulate them. She obviously wants to attempt creative hobbies, but doesn't have the confidence to do it. She's usually too embarrassed to talk about her interest in that stuff, probably because she thinks it's an unrealistic dream.
Basically, I want to encourage her to be more confident, trust in her own ability to make decisions and to have a go at the creative hobbies she's afraid of. I'm not sure about the best approach though, so I'd like to know what your ideas are.
I would tell you to encourage her, but in reality most woman are quite stupid and cannot come up with good ideas. The rare few shine through, but in most cases women lack creativity and tend to lean toward cowardice. Many men do so as well, but many woman are quite lacking in what could make a person great.
You're banging your head against a rock
Just tell her that her sandwiches are pretty phenomenal and that you're really impressed with the creative way she sliced the sandwich diagonally.
If you are in uni, you can probably use the rooms after setting appointments with administration.
Give her a topic to report on. Maybe a book she really liked. Read it too. Get her to prepare for a report/presentation on it. She'll disagree at first and think it's silly, but convince her somehow. You know her better than I do. Give her a week or two to prepare, and check on her progress without looking at it.
She'll present, you tell her she did a good job, she gets a bit more comfy expressing. Tell her to keep eye contact, fidget a bit less, etc. If she enjoyed it then you're golden. Now she can express herself to someone she trusts in a new way while you both get to share a warm, different experience together. Just do some more and increase difficulty by adding friends and more light critique. Maybe apply behaviorism and go down on her if she does a good job and don't if she doesn't.
My mom would always make me rehearse my presentations to her when I was a kid, and that worked. From entertaining one person, I then made people in class laugh from elementary to high school. Now presentations are easy as pie and that bled into a lot of other things. I'm a shy guy, but I don't let that stop me. I'm an introvert and pretty self-conscious but I just take it. I know some people don't like me and this or that but you just stop feeling as bad about it, because nobody gets liked by everybody. But I like being me, and getting disliked is what it's worth. Your girl needs a lot more than what I can cover, but just focus on the social aspect of it. Her personal development will happen on its own and take form from her experiences.
>Just tell her that her sandwiches are pretty phenomenal and that you're really impressed with the creative way she sliced the sandwich diagonally.
Lol. Posts like this are the reason why I come to 4chan.
Maybe she is just dumb. If she can't actively choose, or come up with her own ideas or having one thought all by herself, chances are she isn't very bright and no amount of encouraging will make a dumb person smart.
I'm pretty convinced she isn't, but I guess I do sometimes worry that I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt. She's doing a STEM PhD and got a very strong BSc though. She can be really insightful when she's feeling confident. There's a really sharp side to her that she doesn't let show through very often and I'd like to encourage it.
My girlfriend is literally the EXACT same way. She's gotten better through our 4 years so far, but its been a long and frustratingly slow process (which she's still not even close to normal functioning). However, me being a writer and her being an animator helps. I started writing an animated series, which gave her something to do. I try to push her artistic limits so she can learn and get better, and she has some artistic freedom, which helps improve her decision making skills and independence.
I'm just telling you now what you're trying to do will take years, and I mean years. It can be done but you're in for a roller coaster of a time. Women like this at this age need to grow up, so just be patient and remember that however you go about helping her, you're trying to make her life easier.
I'm hardcore lurking in this thread, hoping more people like you come around. Similar situation, love her to death but just want her to be herself... She's just so deep in her shell.
Only thing is that she blames me for her insecurities, and so she won't accept my help in fixing her confidence.
>Only thing is that she blames me for her insecurities, and so she won't accept my help in fixing her confidence.
Okay, that just hit some deep rooted shit that I can't help you with, but something here sounds really unhealthy, whether its something you or her did. Is there a reason for her to say something like that?
It is really unhealthy. It's been the biggest thorn in our relationship, and the main reason for our arguments if we have any.
She never says why she feels that way, when I ask her she just says nvm. Been trying for the past year to fix it with little progress.
Pic related. She's the hottest gf I've had in my life and has zero competition with anyone, I made this as clear as possible.
She still says she never feels like she's enough for me, and that I deserve better than her. Someone as smart and ambitious as I am. Personally I feel that person is her, I've seen it. She doesn't let that side out of her willingly though. It's always forced, and she otherwise is really conserved and struggles to speak for herself.
Is there no other way? She's 10/10, and Excels everywhere I come short in personality.. I've never been happier with anyone (even single) than I was for the first year of our relationship.
Also feel she'd be a great mom, but am concerned Her shyness towards ambition and self expression will hurt her success in life and make her a dull, not great wife.
I just asked her, this was her response
>when I ask her she just says nvm.
I had no clue man. She either doesn't know what's wrong herself or she's refusing to open up to you. Either way she has to start taking initiative herself eventually. Giving her pushes and nudges will help but it sounds like its either stressing her out or you aren't being subtle/heartfelt enough about it.
Yeah, it sounds like you're putting stress on her. Try being a little more supportive. Help her to set short term goals for herself and support her as she tries to improve. If she chooses not improve there isn't much you can do and I'd probably back away from the situation (not the relationship) for a while.
Sounds like she is young, insecure and probably struggles with shyness/anxiety/introversion.
1) She will grow up and grow out of some this
2) She might genuinely not give as much of a fuck about art
3) She probably doesn't have the same compulsion to force her retarded opinions on other people
4) She probably doesn't want to deal with other people disagreeing with her about aforementioned things she doesn't care about that much
5) She's probably not that comfortable around you and your post here suggests you are very judgmental (Hint: she's picked up on this)
6) Women like to make decisions by consensus and as part of a group. Don't expect her to be autistic like you.
7) If you ever ask her to make decisions and then shoot them down she probably doesn't care that much and would rather you were happy
8) You probably don't validate her choices when she does make decisions so now she feels secure
Be sensitive to how she operates, don't berate her, avoid being confrontational for no reason (even when you don't think you are being), try to exercise basic empathy. Wait until she stops being 19.
This honestly probably is the most useful bit of advice I've gotten from /adv/. Thanks anon, took this to heart.
Any ideas on what to set as short term goals? Or how to go about it without being pushy?
Her main areas of concern are career success, artistic expression, speaking her kind, and dressing up. she's not comfortable with her body so she dresses like a potato. Still manages to draw positive attention in public, want to see her blossom though.
Just not sure how to baby step into these things with her without making her feel more inadequate. Even spent $2100 on a new wardrobe for her once, the general response was "all of this would look better on someone else, I'm not pretty enough for you in public"
What is her career? Where does her artistic creativity thrive? As I said before my gf is an animator and I'm a writer, so after I finished my scripts I asked to do some MC concept art with 100% artistic freedom (as long as she stuck by the character description) and that has worked wonders for her. She's been drawing up a storm on my characters as well as characters she's already been planning for her animation.
She's been working at an animal shelter since I've known her. She wants to become a vet tech but simply won't pursue it. She's. Convinced that she's not capable of doing anything.
She loves photography, and is especially passionate about film photography. But again, hasn't used a camera other than her phone since her freshman year of college. She's also concerned with people in public passing judgement on her, or being a nuisance to them. No idea why.
You guys sound like a perfect team. But our dynamics aren't quite as seamless lol. I artistically sculpt and woodwork, doesn't really fit into photography, at least not any that interests her. And I work a dead end job to pay bills until I figure out what it is I want to do with my life. She's obviously planned this out better, but somehow weve made the same progress. I have all the ambition but no idea what to focus it on, and she has none, but an exact picture of what she wants to do with her life. The whole situation is bass ackwards
>She's been working at an animal shelter since I've known her. She wants to become a vet tech but simply won't pursue it. She's. Convinced that she's not capable of doing anything.
She has some internal conflict she needs to get past. Try talking to her about it and getting to the roots of her problem. If she won't open up to you then suggest that she talk to someone else, possibly a professional.
>She loves photography, and is especially passionate about film photography. But again, hasn't used a camera other than her phone since her freshman year of college. She's also concerned with people in public passing judgement on her, or being a nuisance to them. No idea why.
Try taking her to a setting of her interests with her camera and let her take some shots. It doesnt sound like much but the act of going somewhere and shooting might be refreshing to her. Make the trip spontaneous as well, don't tell her where you're going but ask her to bring her camera.
>You guys sound like a perfect team. But our dynamics aren't quite as seamless lol. I artistically sculpt and woodwork, doesn't really fit into photography, at least not any that interests her. And I work a dead end job to pay bills until I figure out what it is I want to do with my life. She's obviously planned this out better, but somehow weve made the same progress. I have all the ambition but no idea what to focus it on, and she has none, but an exact picture of what she wants to do with her life. The whole situation is bass ackwards
You could try to coordinate the two together. Ask her if your sculptures or woodcrafts can be a subject for some of her photography, perhaps letting her take timeline photos as you start and finish a project. (it helps her get used to having her camera out again and you get high quality photos of your work.)
I'd pay you for this if you weren't anon. Then kidnap you and keep you in my attic so I'd always have your advice on hand. You have this shit figured out pretty well anon.
That's my way of saying thanks, you've been extremely helpful
I just don't want you to make the mistakes I did in that situation brother, good luck.
I have a feeling I'm going to regret putting this on 4chan but my email is email@example.com. Keep in touch if you want, hope everything works out for you.