First time posting on this board. Don't really know what to expect..
Here's my story in a nutshell. I can expand on it if anyone responds.
I'm 30 years old and have been planning to move away for a year or 2 to another country since last year. However in September I managed to get a co-worker pregnant. We get along really well but aren't really in a relationship.
When we first found out I was shocked and felt like running away, but I've got used to the idea as time has gone on and am now even happy about it.
The thing is, we're not together, and are currently living in a city I don't want to stay in.
The baby is due in June and I don't know whether to stay here and be miserable in my surroundings while being happy with my son, and trying to parent with a woman I'm not together with.. or whether to go ahead with my plan to move away, and keep in touch over skype as much as possible.
I do feel like I need a last adventure but don't want to risk regretting missing the first year or so of my son's life. Neither do I want to become bitter that I stayed for him and didn't travel or see as much of the world as I wanted to.
any advice much appreciated!
Take a month or two vacation. Now. As in, leave next month and come back before the baby is born. That's a fine compromise. You can go do whatever you want, then be back to raise your kid.
Or go away for a couple of years. The kid won't know the difference. But you will. And you can never get those first precious years back. And you're trusting a woman you don't really know to raise him properly on her own.
Overall, you've fucked yourself and it's time to man up and take care of responsibilities. The last thing this world needs is another fucked up teenage boy with dad issues.
He didnt fuck himself over, women have someting called "reproduktive rights" she could have had an abortion. She will use this kid to gain childsupport money for 18-20 years. Life is too short.
I can't go away just now. As I already said we work together, and well, we're going to be made redundant in June... just as the baby arrives. I was thinking of leaving in September for 9 months to a year to get it out of my system. Then I was hoping to come back and be fully involved.
I've known her for about 18 months and we were good friends before we started hooking up.
I don't know if I'm just being selfish... but it really also feels like it'd do me good and make me more prepared and a better person once I'm back.
Can I ask why it seems like there is absolutely 0 communication between you two? It seems like you haven't even talked since realizing she was pregnant. How come you can't come to a compromise with her?
She'd prefer it if I stayed. But she understands that this wasn't my choice and that I have dreams of travelling and getting more world experience. She's being very good at the moment and saying she supports me going away and - assuming she doesn't meet someone, or move away, or become bitter - I can come back and be a father to my son.
part of me agrees with you. But seeing my baby growing inside her, and having seen the scans, and bought baby clothes, and having come to the realisation I'll have a child... it's hard to walk away
>but it really also feels like it'd do me good and make me more prepared and a better person once I'm back.
>going to some shitty countries will make me more prepared to be a father
lol okay, good luck to your son. He has no chance.
There's a tonne of communication. We see each other every day.
She's OK at the moment with 'letting me' go away and then come back. Then we've talked about moving away together to the same place, a nicer place than where we are now.
We're being made redundant in June. The baby is due in June. I don't have enough savings to not work for the 6 months or so it'd take until he's big enough to move away somewhere. Also work in our field is really hard to find where we are now. My idea was to go where I can get good work for 9-12 months, then come back and support her and him.
You don't go anywhere until you have a job, dipshit. Start applying now. What matters is income, not area. If you can get the most money in some Eurotrash country, great. If you can get a job in your country now, that pays well, take it. Don't just go somewhere and hope you can find work because you want to travel. Jesus. Millennials are so goddamn dumb. They see their parents travel and think they can/are entitled to it as well. Old people travel because they've got the money and ability to do so.
You're probably better off asking people you know personally for advice than on 4chan where you have a fucking 21 year old asking you questions and telling you what to do. That's my advice.
But if you want my opinion anyway, I'll tell you to go do what you want and forget about the first year because that's a sentiment vs an actual feeling of need before moving forward in your life. And the sentiment of the first year isn't even that important. Really, the first year isn't 'that' big. Be there for his birth though.
>Really, the first year isn't 'that' big.
Do you even have kids. Don't listen to him anon. A kid is so much different than anything else, every second your apart you'll regret and be bitter about.
Then again this comes from a mother of three.
Well, still my husband mentioned from time to time he envies me because I get to stay home and see em growing up.
No, I don't, but will he be able to move on without doing this? If he can spend that first year then do it, then okay, but I've watched MANY kids grow to 1+ from birth. The only thing is the SENTIMENT. It's where you connect and attach yourself to the kid. Where you get to know him a little and watch all his firsts.
OP here. what do you mean by move on?
Do you think I would regret missing the first year of the little guy's life more than I'd regret missing my last chance to travel?
... also it's not just travelling. It would give me good work while I'm there, compared to the risk of not finding anything decent if I stayed here.
I get what you're saying. My husband said unlike me he started feeling real love towards the kids when they were around 10 months old. The time they start communicating.
But don't forget it's his first kid either. Even though he didn't feel real love he was very attached to our kids, like they are a very very important part of your very own.
It's hard to describe. Anyways if you ask me, I think he'll definitely regret being apart from his child. I just don't know if he'll regret staying more or not.
Your kid is a baby ONCE. Travel exists the REST OF YOUR LIFE.
Jesus OP. You can't be this dense. If you realy are this immature and dumb, I pray it didn't get passed on to your kid.
I mean move on in life. Move forward without anything holding you back/having regret.
The question is do YOU think you'd regret missing your last chance to travel more than your first year with your son?
Holds a good point too.
I've gotten advice from family and friends too. This is something I'm considering for lots of different reasons.. some financial, some personal. I'm asking here purely for other points of few from anonymous people who don't know me or have any stake in my wellbeing.
If it was with a women I loved and was in a relationship with, and if the baby had been planned I of course wouldn't think twice about leaving.. it's just hard to abandon my plans .. i don't want to say for a mistake... but ... by accident
All plans aside. How did this woman and you decided you should step up as a parent? Does she want him in her son's life? Partial custody? An occasional visit or babysitting session?
Is she seeing someone, or is she planning to look for a guy who she'd like to fulfill a parental role? Is she planning to stay single and focus on her son?
When you both determined this you know how much time she wants you or expexts you to be around. Based on that you can make plans.
I'm all about being a responsible parent but honestly, in a non-committed relationship like this I also think it's better to have a guy live a happy life elsewhere, rather than be tied down by circumstance in a place he'd rather not be. As long as all agreements about (regular) visitions, financial help, etc. are clear.
This. Although I get why you're selfish, OP, You neglet to consider (not the baby mother's needs, but) you own chances of her trusting you, if you leave her to her own with a new born. If I were you, I wouldnt consider how much you'd miss out of your son's first years (albeit, it WILL be hard to let go of,) as much as what the stakes of establishing myself as someone who isn't there for her when my son needs something and how much it's inconveniencing the mother at all times for 12-24 moths. I would risk her not wanting me in her sons life that much even if I return after I'm done travelling, making the following years more of a worry than the first years.
She's going to get a crash course in how fucking shit life is with a small child, and will turn that bitterness, resentment and stress on OP in horrific ways. When he gets back, not only is he not going to be welcomed with open arms, she's probably going to take steps to ensure he's not part of their lives. And any judge in the world is going to side with her, because his dumb ass bailed from the beginning.