I don't want to be married anymore. It's not emotional for me. My wife's done nothing wrong. She's beautiful, caring, and considerate in pretty much every way. But I just want to be by myself. Is there something wrong with me? I know so many people who are so desperate to find "the one". I don't expect to ever find another person that I'm as compatible with as I am with her, but I can't help but feel the urge to just be single and free. It's tearing me up and I don't know what to do. Can anyone relate?
Do you want a wife thats not her or do you want to be alone for a bit.
If that latter ask her for some alone time.
>I love you, but its weird
>we see each other everyday and its like I lost my since of self
>I need to think on this a bit and do so alone
>Im going to go backpacking in the mountains for a few weeks and ill see you when I get back
>DO NOT FUCKING HAVE SEX WITH ANYONE DURING THIS TIME
>love you bae
I don't want another wife, but I do want to be single and at least have the option of seeing other women. I don't want anything serious though. If I wanted to really be with someone and be committed, it'd be her.
We've been together for five years. We've tried everything that both of us are comfortable with. It's about more than just sex though. I really just want to be a normal young guy who isn't beholden on a daily basis to somebody else's emotions. If I want to take a weekend trip with my friends and hit the strip club, I want to be able to do it without having to think twice about it. I want to be able to meet new people and make plans for later. I want to be able to meet women of all shapes and sizes and feel that feeling that you get when you have a new girl that likes you. I know it's shitty and selfish and I didn't make this commitment while feeling this way, but I haven't been able to shake it for a year and a half now.
this. maybe not backpacking, but its okay to take some time apart. not even to think about the relationship, but to simply reflect on yourself. the problem with marriage these days is they expect you to spend every waking moment together.
not long ago it was completely normal for a man to take trips by himself to get away.
if you return and you feel that you still dont want to be married, then divorce her then. maybe learn a lesson that you should never actually be married. people didnt stay married until death because they wanted to. they did because thats the way the world (and the law) worked. make divorce legal and everyone wants one.
humans grow and change. its normal to want to move on. we werent designed to be as monogamous as fairytales imply.
How old are you?
Me and my ex were in a similar situation, we ended up separating because of work reasons (we are both "career tigers"). We broke up last May and I've slept with 10 women since, of which the first 8 were within 2 months. Trust me, it's never as good as with a person you know and care about. At some point it becomes just as unsatisfying as jerking off.
Then I had sex with her again 3 weeks ago and it was fucking magical. Sleeping with many women is overrated.
Also, strip clubs suck and are not interesting at all. If you REALLY want to go there and she's open to it ask her to come with you.
>I don't want another wife, but I do want to be single and at least have the option of seeing other women
You either have a wife, or you dont and get your dick sucked. Theres no in between. Get a divorce and accept that you will never get your wife back.
I appreciate your point of view. (Admittedly it's at least partially because it agrees with mine.) I should mention that the situation is further complicated by the fact that we have a son, and my wife was not in a good place before I met her. I would of course stay around and be in my son's life, but I have to say that the prospect of something like this destroying her and seriously affecting his and her life really terrifies me. I want both of them to be as happy as possible, but I want to be too.
I'm 23. Been together since we were 18 and married and had a kid at 19. (Kid was first, not planned but I wanted to do what was best for him and I thought that this was what I wanted at the time.) I'm not a stranger to random hookups and one night stands or the downsides of being single either though.
>but i want to be too
I can understand the need to put your son in a safe place but when it comes to your wife, you cant sacrifice your entire life so that she can live hers blissfully ignorant.
if you decide that it is time to separate or seek a divorce or what have you, then the best thing you can do for her is pursue that. will it destroy her. maybe. we dont know. but the truth is if shes not stable enough to handle this, then she needs to face it head on.
its no different than a 16 year old boy staying wtih his 15 year old gf cuz hes afraid she'll be 'suicidal' again if they break up after a whopping 3 months.
its the same game. its not your job to prevent her from finding independence, in whatever form. coddling her doesn't fix her.
What you're saying rings true, but the possibilities weigh heavy on me. Probably has a lot to do with my own unstable upbringing and the fact that I never really had anyone looking out for me. My wife loves my son and she's a wonderful mother, but it's hard to say if she'd still be the same person she is now(with a reasonable amount of sadness like anyone would have at a marriage ending) or if she'd go back to bi-polar depression and being suicidal.
if shes bi-polar, marriage isnt a cure. thats not a thing.
>depression and suicidal
sure, these can happen, but how old are you now? how long have you been married? really think you're going to be able to hold out until she dies in her late seventies? nobility succumbs to entropy. let her go now and she might even have a chance at getting the kind of life she wants.
but what you are essentially insisting here is that you are personally responsible for how your wife reacts to something that almost everyone in this modern world goes through. a break up. hell, even a divorce.
you can't take credit for saving her life. you can't be blamed if she takes her life.
im not even saying you SHOULD divorce her, cuz im convinced a little away time would fix quite a bit. but if you do find you want to, the alternative is pretending that you will pretend to love her til you're 80, but actually giving up and her hating you but being unable to escape halfway there.
>if shes bi-polar, marriage isnt a cure. thats not a thing.
I tend to agree. It's weird because it was like 90% of her issues went away after we were together. I tend to think she was incorrectly diagnosed and her problems might have been related to being an emotional teenaged girl who wasn't happy with her circumstances. But she cut herself for like 5 years, and then hasn't done it since we got together. Maybe she just did it for attention and didn't need it anymore, idk. Everything else you're saying is what I've thought a thousand times, and I think it'll end up happening, but it's gonna be hard. It's going to seem like it came out of nowhere and hit her like a fucking anvil.
>she cut for 5 years
thats not what bi polar disorder is. does she still see a doctor? cuz once you have bi polar disorder its a pretty life long thing and medication is almost required. bi polar disorder is an extremely extreme mental disorder. its not something that 'oh i got a bf' could come close to curing. maybe shes had a good time with her meds and you just neglected to mention those.
but yeah. you seem to know what you want. you ignore the 'time off' advice and are going straight for the kill. seems to me you made your mind up a long time ago.
>does she still see a doctor?
No. She stopped taking prozac a few months into the relationship. She went and saw one about a year ago about "anxiety" and took meds for about a month and then stopped, and I haven't heard her even mention it since. I think part of it is her grandmother who seems to think that there's a medicine to fix every icky feeling one might get.
>but yeah. you seem to know what you want. you ignore the 'time off' advice and are going straight for the kill. seems to me you made your mind up a long time ago.
The time off advice hasn't been ignored, but if I'm going to do that, I wouldn't want to bullshit her and string her along until I could make a final decision. I'd tell her the truth about what it is and what it might mean. To be honest, I have to take a weekend trip on Friday to another state that she already knows about, but it's a necessary one and I'd be going even if everything was okay. Maybe that can serve as my time to think and decide.
what im reading now is that people with bi polar disorder are not recommended prozac. i dont think ur wife ever had bi polar disorder mate. maybe some depression, but thats not your responsibility.
>not stringing her on with the trip
all im recommending is 7 days max of time off for you. offer the same for her. just say 'honey i need a vacation, and i kinda wanna go alone. but then i thought, thats no fair, my wife needs a vacation. but theres probably stuff she wants to do that i dont too'
let her have some time off, take care of the kid for a week. then you take your turn. 7 days (max) isnt stringing her on. its testing yourself to see if what you really want is a divorce, or if you just got tired of being cooped up in your life for as long as you have. business trips and such dont count. people NEED to take a little time to just go be themselves by themselves, even if only for a long weekend.
I'll try to find a way to put your advice to action. It's not an easy thing with work and finances depending upon the aforementioned, but I appreciate your insight and I definitely don't want to make such an important decision without being sure.
Yeah, I agree. It's made me have a lot of questions about the discipline of psychology desu.
even if its a long weekend, It'll let you know.
do you really want to make one of the biggest decisions of your life without taking a few days off to figure out if its a fucking fluke? i know MUH FINANCES and all that, but your finances are goign to be mega haywire when trying to split up with your wife anyways, and who knows what life will be like that after that. even if ur SURE you're just going to divorce her, find a way to take the time off. send the kid off to ghe grandparents and just put in some over time right before your trip to compensate money. just go camp in the woods or something cheap as fuck. just get out of your life for 3 days and you'll come back knowing what to do. spirit walk bro.
im asleep. night.
Have you thought of doing something yourself? Talk to her. Why don't you take a vacation for a month to feel what it's like to get that independence. Sometimes people need this small experience to know and revaluate what they want. Trust me. Sure she'll understamd if its something you need to do. Nothing wrong with wanting the idea to be adventure ous. Cause in the end when your done fufiling that younsaidnsorta I yourself you two are very compatible shel always be waiting for you. It s normal to want this. I had this feeling before I told him I wanted to adventure and it was quite a year but the day I broke iu off h said come back when your done adventuring and traveling. In m case I did this to see how much whether or not he was for me or not but as well to experience staninon m own two feet. Sometme s in a relationship you lose that sense of adventure and or why your with them so givin your self some time will again determine if you want them or your satisfied just wanting to be free to new air.
another anon here, hope you dont mind me playing devils advocate.
this solution has a very individualistic mindset, that is your life and happiness comes first, and i don't disagree with it, but now that you have a kid, and a wife that seems to at least emotionally depend on you, you should be somewhat responsible for their life and happiness.
the possibility of ruining both their lives just so you can live yours freely seems kinda selfish to me imo
You're not wrong. It is selfish. I try to bury this away and I carry on and I try to be a good dad and a good husband. But it's something that seems like it's at my very core and it doesn't really go away. The thought of putting them through pain makes me bawl my eyes out man, but I haven't found a way to change how I feel.
Things would be a lot easier if you hadn't pissed away your stupid idiot years getting married.
In general if you are in a happy relationship then leaving it is pretty much insanity. You have nothing to gain and you'll regret it later and wonder why you didn't just work things out, because happiness, security and companionship are not things you should lightly throw away.
If you've been married since you were a baby you won't actually have any concept of being alone -- or even of just paying bills by yourself.
For a lot of people you fuck around in your early 20s, realize it's goddamn awful and hollow and you don't want to live in a tiny hovel on your own any more. Then you find someone you like, cling to them for dear life, and focus on building a non-shitty career while jerking off to porn every now and then.
The main thing you have to be ready for is someone else fucking your ex-wife and raising your kid. Will probably happen before you've figured out how to approach women at a bar.
Just go away for a month or two first. If you're really desperate go fuck someone else.
^^ shit that is true
If you put you first hopefully when your kid grows up he doesnt respond well to this you should tell him put your happiness first but have a very good explanation and hope he doesn't hate you in general. But again if your wife's OK with you being free for a bit. Again you do you in my experience it's a hard route. In the end you'll find you meet crazy people whole make you really validate who you were originally with is the one. Again from someone whose felt this way do as you please but it isn't an easy route. It isn't worth going through months of stress and grey hairs to find reason to revalidate the e person you love love is the one because trust me when I choose to be free for a year you meet not so great people that'll show you who you were with is just heaven.
are there people like OP?
someone who has a good woman as a wife and a happy home life ---- and would throw it away to subject his child to a broken family, a dysfunctional home, a life of shitty role models for mother and father, stepmother/stepfather/stepsibling drama ---- just because muh freedom feels?
In fairness he probably doesn't have it that good. I remember my gf when I was 18. She was nice enough, but if I'd married her? Holy shit, I'd have killed myself four times over already.
When I think back it seems weird because I clearly didn't like her as a person. Compared to later relationships I can't even really understand what I was thinking at the time -- it's not good to be feeling 'wow, this chick sure is a fucking moron with nothing in common with me.'
It's why you should never get married and have a kid at 18. It's like getting a job at Wal-mart and being like, 'yup, this is my life now'.
>In general if you are in a happy relationship then leaving it is pretty much insanity. You have nothing to gain and you'll regret it later and wonder why you didn't just work things out, because happiness, security and companionship are not things you should lightly throw away.
Yeah, I know. I consider myself to be a very rational person. I try to think of all of the angles. I know that a lot of people would give anything for what I have.
>If you've been married since you were a baby you won't actually have any concept of being alone -- or even of just paying bills by yourself.
I was on my own before we got married. Been paying the bills since I was about 17. I've lived a long life for my age because I had to figure out how to deal with a lot of shit growing up with nobody there to guide me.
>The main thing you have to be ready for is someone else fucking your ex-wife and raising your kid. Will probably happen before you've figured out how to approach women at a bar.
I don't want to sound egotistical or anything, but I know how to pick up girls. It's a lot easier than people make it out to be. I don't worry so much about someone else being in their life in general, more the prospect of somebody who's potentially terrible hurting them. I'd lose my mind if someone hurt my kid or put his mom down in front of him. That's my dilemma. I want freedom, but I care deeply about them both and it's important to me that they're happy, but I realize it would be delusional to think I could be sure to have both.
Yep there is. Sometimes people in the situation don't see the whole consequence of the whole picture. Again but it's human nature we do something questionable that land us in a shithole. Sometimes people at time don't thing in the long run. Moral of he story kiddos date for 10 yr before marrying so you an be on and off as much as you can with out a ugly expemsive divorcement.
>I don't want to sound egotistical or anything, but I know how to pick up girls.
So does everyone. Jesus. Oh well, that will be fun for you.
It sounds like the idea of someone else being in your role (fucking the woman you love and raising your child) doesn't really bother you. Which suggests things aren't really as idealic as you've told us they are.
If that's the case it's possible your relationship just isn't going to last. It's likely she's not happy either if you feel this coldly towards her.
By the way, if you've been living with your wife since you were 18 you've never lived alone. Especially not as an adult which is a totally different experience.
>It sounds like the idea of someone else being in your role (fucking the woman you love and raising your child) doesn't really bother you. Which suggests things aren't really as idealic as you've told us they are.
I think it's just the fact that I'm not sure this is what I want. And nobody else is going to be my kid's dad under any circumstances. I'm not talking about disappearing. I wouldn't ever just completely abandon him like that.
>If that's the case it's possible your relationship just isn't going to last. It's likely she's not happy either if you feel this coldly towards her.
I'm not sure that I do feel coldly toward her. I'm not trying to rationalize by making excuses and blaming the way I feel on some perceived failing on her part. She's really a wonderful person. I just want to be alone.
Maybe so bud. I'm trying to work through it all and I'm not someone who just does whatever they want without thinking of how it affects other people. I want to shake it and be truly happy where I'm at so that everyone can be happy, but it's been a year and a half of this and I haven't found a way yet.
Maybe op you need to play Catherine the game the guys situation is somewhat similar ish eh but aside derailing shit. Were telling you perspective that could save you a life time of hardship you gotta accept raising the kid. Maybe when your done raising him when he's of agenypu can pursue life but even then man you brought this upon yourself
I just wanna clarify that I'm not talking about abandoning my kid and disappearing. I've never even entertained that possibility and I could never do that. I understand that the ideal situation for him is a happy mom and dad who stay married until they die, but having divorced parents doesn't automatically mean no more dad.
Maybe she's not a wonderful person. You said above she was bi-polar, and apparently she hasn't picked up on the fact you kind of hate her and you're happy to let go of your kid so you can fuck some barsluts and play playstation until 2am every night.
What do you think will happen with your kid by the way? That she is going to have another man in her life and you're going to be anything other than a weekend Dad at best? She's going to take every free penny you have and change your son's second name to Martinez.
No, it just means a shitty life. Kids of divorced parents do worse on every metric possible, and it filters down to their marriages too. Children of divorces are more likely to divorce too.
Hope all this is worth a few fucks with randos
>Maybe so bud. I'm trying to work through it all and I'm not someone who just does whatever they want without thinking of how it affects other people. I want to shake it and be truly happy where I'm at so that everyone can be happy, but it's been a year and a half of this and I haven't found a way yet.
see a therapist
The 'feeling' is never going to go away. You're always going to want your freedom and to be by yourself and to not be chained to a woman who just doesn't give you that butterflies in the stomach feeling. The honeymoon phase is over, and relationships past it kind of suck. No matter how great the person is, you just get sick of being with the same person for years on end. And everyone is going to tell you that you'd be giving up on something great, but I think it's kind of a tragedy that people Force themselves to stay in marriages they're entirely discontent with just because they've invested so much time into it.
>Maybe she's not a wonderful person. You said above she was bi-polar, and apparently she hasn't picked up on the fact you kind of hate her and you're happy to let go of your kid so you can fuck some barsluts and play playstation until 2am every night.
I can tell you're getting a little upset here. I'm only telling the truth and I'm not shying away from the (realistic) possibilities that my actions might bring about. I guess I just needed some people to talk to because I hold this shit in, but if I'm pissing you off, you don't have to respond dude.
>What do you think will happen with your kid by the way? That she is going to have another man in her life and you're going to be anything other than a weekend Dad at best? She's going to take every free penny you have and change your son's second name to Martinez.
That's unlikely, but obviously the worst case scenario is possible and I can't really know for sure.
>No, it just means a shitty life. Kids of divorced parents do worse on every metric possible, and it filters down to their marriages too. Children of divorces are more likely to divorce too.
True. Probably more to do with the circumstances that tend to come with such a thing than that thing itself, but nonetheless it's the truth.
>see a therapist
I really might.
Alright alright. Again it's how I see it cause again everyone's perspective of the at word again is different. Again do as you please. Again if you divorce her will you go back to her and keep the status of like girlfriend. That's what I'm curious what is it if it happens how do you feel this situation will run if it runs ideally. Give me your perspective so we can see what you want to see happen.
Even then I've had instances where a friend hr ex is with her but for the kid and her but with another girl he's interested. I even had my moment where I needed a break but I found it wasn't worth it cause I ran back to the one.
Please what is I you see if you choose how do you think it'll play out. Do you want it for the experience and adventure or etc again you gave us the issue but have you thought of the probability of the many outcomes. Do you really want to go though this. I'll tell you this from similar experience it isn't easy
>That's what I'm curious what is it if it happens how do you feel this situation will run if it runs ideally. Give me your perspective so we can see what you want to see happen.
Ideally, we work through things like adults and my kid has both parents there for him when he needs us. She'd be smart about who she brings around him. We continue to respect each other and do what's best for the kid. Ideally she finds a way to be relatively happy that doesn't depend upon me, or really anyone else. Maybe I regret my decision in the future. It'll hurt. But I can deal with my own pain as long as everything doesn't go to shit for them because of me. I think that this scenario is possible based upon what I know, but it could be just wishful thinking or delusions to make myself feel better for what I'm considering doing. I'm kind of an optimist. I don't feel like I suffered as a result of my parents not being together. I think it would've been just as bad or worse if they were. I think I suffered because my parents didn't give a shit about me or ever actively try to take care of my happiness as a kid.
See there's your answer. Now that you've stated that. With that
Said why don't you work to try to gt the possibilities like that. I'm not you. But obvious you know yourself better. Do what you need no one's stop this is /adv/ you pick and choose what you need. This right here tells me "this is what I want" wit confidence. If you have a outcome in mind there's your g9al to work for your not as torn as you think you are. Here's your validation. And if anything since you said your stay in with your kid or you'll be by them. Encourage the kid to really go for his or her wants amd desires that is validating only to their own independance so he won end up the e same fate as you. In my opinion I don't see this as wronto you this is right so again where I stand is give and encourage where infeel where the answer is
>Been together since we were 18 and married and had a kid at 19
lel how are people this stupid
>kid was not planned
by you it wasn't, but it was planned alright
Look you're young, you don't have much money that can be taken in divorce. Do it sooner rather than later. Btw this feeling will never go away, it'll just get stronger
I appreciate it, my anon friend. I appreciate everyone's advice in this thread, even those that see me as a degenerate manchild lol. I'll do some more soul-searching and see where I get with things with all of this in mind. Night guys.
Nothing wrong with making descions it what life is all about. You just want to live life the way you want and nothinngs wrong with that man. Again it's human nature to want something you didn't have enough of orwant to accomplish something.