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realistically speaking, what is the least...
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realistically speaking, what is the least amount of time I can have been dating a girl before it would be considered a huge mistake to marry her?

I'm in a situation where I might have to say goodbye to a chinese girl I met in college forever since its so hard to get working visas but I don't think I can let that happen since I'm so madly in love with her

we will only have been dating for around 5 months when she leaves

it would be easy to keep her here and easy for her to get a job here if we were married, but holy shit 5 months

do I try and have a long distance relationship or what guys I dont know what to do

her family would want a huge marriage too do we quietly get married legally and not tell anybody and then have a real wedding later or what holy shit would she even be cool with that
>>
One word, PRENUP
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I think this is different for everyone. Personally, I wouldn't consider marrying before at least one year. Probably two. The reason being that things cool down dramatically after the "honeymoon period", and you might find the person you're living with unbearable after your hormones stop raging.
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>>16883632
how bad can things go if I get a prenup

>>16883633
so do I make her leave the country and try to find other ways for us to be together to wait to decide? it seems like I wouldnt find out if she was right for me if we weren't living together anyways and then she might slip away from me under the pressures of long distance relationships, plus if we only see each other on visits it would be like a bunch of honeymoon periods instead of normal life
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>>16883654
Means you keep your assists if she tries to use you just to stay in the country. Shouldn't be too bad, just do it without telling her what it really is. Better yet, call a lawyer
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>>16883681
I think I would need to tell her what it was and be clear with what my intentions were

I think we would need to have a quiet legal marriage and then live together for a while and then have a real marriage ceremony a few years from now or something

fuck man is this the right thing to do
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>>16883694
i had a friend get married to a guy she met after three months and they've been happily married for years now. It's possible it could work but i personally i think 5 months is too short
>>
Holy fuck do not do this. You barely know a person at 5 months. You should date seriously for AT LEAST 3 years before you consider marriage.
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>>16883709
what were the circumstances between the two of them and their age?

>>16883720
but what do I do then, she has to leave the country and I'm in love with her
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>>16883744
You live in the modern age, you can try to keep in touch if it's realistic you two will be able to get back together again in the future. But I think you probably have to let her go.
>>
>>16883744
>but what do I do then, she has to leave the country and I'm in love with her
You realise that you're not actually in love with her, you realise that this is just honeymoon period feelings. Don't fucking end up married to a woman you've been dating for 5 fucking months,
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>>16883744
You're rushing into this one m9. You may love her, yes, but marriage is a huge decision that will test both of your limits. Try out the long distance first is my advice. If worst comes to worst you could do it over the table I think. Why does she have to leave? Was it just a visitors visa? If so, can she apply to work in your country? It would be easier for her to get work if she's been there already.
>>
>>16883754
>>16883755
the problem is I dont have any faith in long distance relationships, I feel like if you arent physical with each other to some degree the relationship cant last, and I know that I would be fucken miserable the entire time missing her


would it be so bad to just roll the dice and hope that she's still the right one for me after the honeymoon period ends I know I want to get married some day anyways FUCK would it be so bad to get a divorce or would this be a life ending mistake

she's not like any girl I've ever met, I've never felt this comfortable around somebody ever and never felt like somebody actually understands me like she does
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>>16883785
The your options are
>try LDR
>forget about her
>risk fucking up your life by marrying this girl you've been dating mere months
It's up to you. I just have no sympathy if you come back later and it turns out shit's hit the fan.

And how the fuck do you know she even WANTS to marry you to stay? Have you even discussed this with her, or have you just assumed that she'd want to marry you?
>>
You're not ready to get married. That said, if you feel like it could work out in the long run. Give her the option.

Tell her. I'm not ready for marriage, but I love you and don't want to lose you. We can get legally married, tell no one, and live together for a few years and see where we are in the relationship.

I don't see anything wrong with that if she is ok with this, and willing to sign a prenup.
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>>16883778
she is on a visa for grad school in the uk, and its extremely difficult right now to get a working visa for the uk if you are not a eu citizen

some people get stuck for years searching for a sponsor

she has a grad degree in stem though and good internships

the entire search we would be missing out on time together, part of our youth that we can't get back, and she might not even end up getting a job
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>>16883792
>And how the fuck do you know she even WANTS to marry you to stay? Have you even discussed this with her, or have you just assumed that she'd want to marry you?
I havent brought it up to her yet because I dont want to say "hey want to get married maybe?" if I'm not willing to go through with it and I dont know if its right, it feels really fucking wrong but at the same time I dont know if I have any other option

I have no fucking idea if she would be cool with it but I guess my heart is telling me that she loves me too and wants to stay

I have no idea of her parents would be cool with it or if we'd have to lie to them because I dont think she'd lie to her parents and then it would be shitty

>>16883797
I dont see any other option except this
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>>16883814
>I havent brought it up to her yet because I dont want to say "hey want to get married maybe?" if I'm not willing to go through with it and I dont know if its right, it feels really fucking wrong but at the same time I dont know if I have any other option
I would have thought that fucking talking to her about this would help you figure out if this is the right course of action, seeing as, you know, it has a huge impact on her life.

>I have no fucking idea if she would be cool with it but I guess my heart is telling me that she loves me too and wants to stay
That's called wishful thinking. Don't assume she'd be okay with this idea.

>I have no idea of her parents would be cool with it or if we'd have to lie to them because I dont think she'd lie to her parents and then it would be shitty
"Mother, father, I'm staying here"
"how are you able to do that? I thought your visa ran out"
"...I'm marrying a local"

Yeah, because that'd go down well


All in all, I'm getting a pretty selfish vibe from you. You want things the way you want them, and you seem to have little disregard for what she wants. What if she doesn't want to marry you? What if she doesn't even seen you as long term relationship material? What if she'd rather see her parents and family rather than stay here and marry you, but still wants to be in a relationship with you long distance? There are so many things that she could want, but you haven't even bothered to ask her. Marrying her is going to be a bad move, if you can't even talk to your partner and want everything your way and aren't willing to even get her opinion before pursuing something.
>>
>>16883850
I dont see how its selfish to want to know if I'm willing to go through with it before bringing it up, the reason I'm trying to figure it out now is because I dont want to hurt her by starting to talk about marriage and then suddenly going cold after leading her on about the potential

we have talked about what she wants for the future very often and she has a strong interest in the west and a desire to eventually end up here, she has mentioned that she would be looking for jobs here if she didnt already have one in china. from our other discussions she does see me as long term relationship material and I see her the same way. she's already regularly cooking meals for me and doing things like my laundry when she's over.

I am also not a local, I am also from another country but I have a work visa from a great job

her parents are conventional and reasonable from how I know them theres a chance they might be fine with keeping the legal marriage quiet until we were together longer, and just saying she got a work visa or something
>>
alright guys I guess what I'm going to do is talk about it with her this weekend and suggest marriage

I think I am going to marry her if she wants to go through with it

I feel like its worth the cost for the shot at the best possible life I can have where I just stay with my dream girl forever

otherwise I'm going to suggest a few months of jobsearching and long distance relationship with maybe some kind of visiting system, theres no way I'm breaking up with her unless thats what she wants
>>
Chinese have kinda a tradition about marriages also involving money and each time someone marries in the family someone gets their turn to get the money so it's kind of a cycle of investments so I doubt her parents would be happy with a quiet wedding even if you did a big ceremony after. Or it depends
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>>16884149
I'm worried about this too. there's also a tradition of cheating the bureaucracy too though and they might understand a "government sponsored relationship."
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>>16884149
>>16884158
they are also both university professors and I think they might be more understanding than the average chinese family.
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