>parents are both an alcohol
>sexually abused as a child
>told older friend that I was sexually abused
>got abused by him afterwards
>all my childhood friends turned away from me because parents thought that I was shady
>never judged anybody
>always been nice to everybody
>still got treated like shit by everyone everywhere I went
>started to explore nature alone
>needed to apply first aid and call ambulance for my mother who layed in her own blood because she hit her head while she was drunk
>always had to link family together
>parents didnt believe that i was abused
>father says that he should have blown his load into a river instead of creating me
>get scolded for crying because first girlfriend left me after I told her about my situation
>years pass, I adapted and people started to like me as long as I didn't tell them anything personal
>started to become everybodies therapist
>got dumped by everybody after they got their shit together because they associated me with their past
>decided to start over and went to another city to study at a university after graduation
>got girlfriend, first time in my life i thought that i was understood
>after time went by, i got the sensation that something is not right in the relationship
>i asked her, but she refused to talk about it
>told me that she would figure it out by herself
>believed and trusted her
>all of a sudden she cheated on me
>after i told her that i forgive her, she left me for him
>said that she does not want to lose me though
>told her that she betrayed me as friend, partner and as a fellow human being and that it would hurt me if I continued to see her
>she replied that she just realized what an evil person i actually am and that it is my own fault that she left me
I had to deal my whole life being branded as shady, weird and evil. All I ever wanted was everybody to love each other. I really want to break but I can't. I just can't give up in believing in others, even though I get betrayed all the time.
I hope you find long term happiness anon, you seem like a good person that has problems judging character and holding to tight to people.
Good luck, I think you will be a happy person soon and you will find someone who understands you.
Try to finish uni as soon as possible,
Thank you very much anon.
But I really hate to judge, because I don't believe that people are bad.
I can sense and point out bad character traits if necessary, but I consider them symptoms of their own suffering.
My goal is to show people that despite the fact that they have to walk their own path, thei dont necessarily have to feel lonely along the way.
Everybody seeks happiness and love, hatred, betrayal and fear are only results of denying those needs.
People always want to create blame for doing shit things. She was absolute shit to you and that's on her head. But it's easier for her if YOU are "bad". So she's going to say whatever makes her able to look at herself in the mirror and sleep well.
You're on a good track, anon. Getting away, starting over. Chin up. GL.
Your problem is that you cherish everybody more than yourself.
Stop doing that and start respecting yourself a bit more. If you do this you won't be taken advantage of anymore.
If you refuse to do so, stop complaining and enjoy your shitty life.
It's not only their fault that you're treated like shit, it's 90% your fault. If you let them treat you like this, they do it. if even you don't have respect for yourself, then they won't have it altogether.
Good point about respect. OP, it's all nice to think of the world positively with love, but that shit belongs in a small bubble within a trusting, solid relationship. Outside that bubble, people use it as an excuse to see you as beta and useable.
I have respect for myself, thats why I make a clear cut after somebody hurts me.
The abuse hurts me indirectly, because people depend on exploiting others in order seemingly gain happiness and I have to leave them in order to stay happy myself.
Actually, I pretty love myself, thats why I don't get depressed and shit.
My problem is that I recognize the suffering in the people surrounding me and their inability to love themselves.
What hurts me the most, is that people blame me to be a bad person for having themselves recognize their own hatred towards themselves.
They block it away and project it on me the moment they confront themselves with it.
Not OP, but this almost made me cry. Keep living anon, it's all worth it! Remember that depression is something that you can deal with and that goes away if you fight for it. Do you have friends you can trust 100%?
Yeah, I do, I really do. Wherever I go I feel like a missmatch, even though people like me more nowadays.
The incident made me start to question everything around me, myself, my parents, my beliefs, feelings and thoughts.
I recognized that I was behaving differently than the other people around me.
Unable to express those thoughts at first, I started to intensively study my native language (German) in order to be more aware of myself.
This self awareness however seemed to be more of a curse than a blessing, since I was able to express almost every thought and emotion I had very clearly. By recognizing logical contradictions in my own behaviour, I became able to understand myself better.
On the other hand, having the capability to differientiate my thoughts and emotions in words, made it almost impossible for anyone to understand me properly since most of the people did not listen to what I said. They only heared what they wanted to hear by leaving out words I intentionally placed in my sentences in order to avoid misunderstandings.
This made me feel even more different from the others, leaving me behind in total isolation.
I suffered for years, blaming myself, hating myself and others around me.
It took me some time to understand what it actually was that made me feel depressed.
It was not the abusement itself, or the judgement of others.
I realized that everybody around me was suffering, even though they might have seemed happy on the outside.
People who treat others badly clearly lack empathy, they lack empathy because nobody wanted to understand them either.
They become empty inside, unable to open themselves up to others or even themselves.
If you observe others very precisely you will see that most of them are just showing off, they try to hide their own weakness because they think being weak from time to time is unacceptable.
Huh, I write too much. If I continue like that you will have to read an entire book so I will keep it short from now on.
My point is, that it is not us who are different.
It is the others. You are probably also a very sensitive person who refuses to become empty inside like most of the human population does.
This refusal however makes it almost impossible to live a life in the leading societies without feeling left out.
There is always hope if you allow yourself to hope.
If you want, we can have a chat in private.
>mom is schizoaffective
>dad left for the most part because mom went crazy on him too much
>mom would have episodes about once a year for most of my childhood
>during these times, grandparents would take care of me
>usually said crazy shit to us during her episodes
>when I was around 7, she told me that men were going to rape me and it was unavoidable
>caught her attempt suicide several times
>grandma told me when I was older, that whenever she had these episodes when we were little, she wanted to murder me and my siblings, but my grandma never wanted to tell police because she returned to normal after being put on meds
>when i was 10 her boyfriend actually did rape me (thanks for your schizo premonitions mom)
>she believed him over me though, and stayed with him for about 6 more years, then slept with him on and off after that for several more years
>I would cry to her and ask her why she did that with someone who raped me
>she'd say I was a liar and eventually just start ignoring me
>was diagnosed as bipolar in high school
>going through a lot
>confided in friends, hoping i could have heart to heart with them
>they called me an attention whore
>eventually stopped talking to me, but went out with a bang by telling my whole graduating class I was a psycho
>hate that it ended on that note, we're in our mid 20's now and they still think I'm a liar
>haven't made any decent friends since high school
>luckily found my boyfriend about 5 years ago and he's the only consistent thing in my life
>do still long for friends
>completely fear opening up to people
>intense growing fear because grandparents are near mortality, and I'm going to be the one to take care of my mother
>intense growing fear that I may end up like her
>sexually harassed since i was a little girl
>there are gaps in my memory, large ones
>was groomed when i was 12 years old, narrowly got out alive
>i eventually run away from every relationship i have, no matter how much i love them.
>I just leave. Run. Never look back, repress my emotions like always.
>I don't know if I can maturely handle my emotions or if I'm repressing them
>Slowly started having a deteriorating mental state, was a stick to begin with but started approaching dangerously low weight
>Now my hygiene is godawful
>Feel weak and tired 24/7
>Diagnosed with DP/DR
>Can't leave house
>Looked and laughed upon because of my disoriented way of moving and poor hygiene
I understand what you are saying, which is weird. Especially about miscommunication. I notice everything I do has to be precisely controlled or the wrong idea might show. I understand everyone suffers and have ways of hiding it. I questioned everything to. I understand why people do things. Right now I'm conveying over text, but I feel it's limited. I want to say specific things to you, but it's like I can't. Thanks for sharing, it helps me feel a bit more connected
By any means, do not take care of her.
Do not feel obligateded to do so, she might have suffered herself in the past but she clearly did not make it over the hill.
Also, please do not fear to open up.
It will make you suffer more than opening up and being betrayed in the long run.
You have to trust others, if you don't, I guess that there is a higher chance of you ending up like her.
The people who break somebodies trust are the weak ones, not you.
Keep shining anon, I love you, do the same!
Hi there. I understand how you feel. You are not alone in the feelings and thoughts. I wish there was some leader that could express these concerns in a precise and understandable way. Please know that I feel empathy for you.
The memory gaps happen to me too,
they are supposed to protect your mental integrity until you are mature enough to reflect about them properly.
It sounds more like repression to me, try to write down your thoughts every now and then.*
Even though they might seem cringy after some time, they will be very helpful to you in order to reflect on yourself and your actions.
Don't run, confront yourself with your fears. It might hurt, but you surely know for yourself that repressing your emotions will slowly drain your soul.
There are people out there who will not harm you, but it is indeed difficult to find them and also having faith in not being hurt by them.
Don't give up. You aren't alone out there.
PS: The hygiene thing is a habit, it will go away if you manage to trust yourself and others again.
Holy shit dude, I think we might literally be the same person
I have a tendency to become a doormat, an emotional tampon, and being able to parse my feelings into words is often more of a curse than a blessing.
You will find happiness anon, carry on and be strong.
I created a temporary mail account.
If you feel like you need somebody to talk, contact me.
Even though it is a sad topic that connects us, I am glad that we are not alone.
Yeah, it is hard indeed.
Devoting myself to philosophy helps me a lot, even though it does not go well with the sciences I study. Many people within the sciences are completely unable to open up to metaphysics, even though philosophy and science share so much in common.
PS: Picture has to be considered in massive sarcastic quotes.
What am I supposed to do? Every episode ends with my mom wanting to hurt somebody or attempting suicide.
Despite all my mother has done for me, I cannot let her die in some delusional state of mind where she doesn't even know who she is.
When she gets like this, she wanders in the streets.
She has no husband. My siblings are not responsible enough to take care of her. At least if I'm in charge, I can push her to go to therapy rather than her solving all her problems with lithium.
ah, I figured out that I cannot reply with this account, so I will contact you with my old mail adress as soon as i receive a decent message.
And to the poor guy who calls me a fag, I wish you all the best of luck too.
Try to read what I said properly and think about it. You calling people a fag (despite knowing that they got raped as a child), indicates a huge lack of empathy from your side.
I would recommend you a therapist.
>Mom was a drunkard, Dad was cool.
>Dad joined the Army, got back and was different.
>Got divorced, lived with Dad.
>Married some German lady who used him to get into America.
>She hates my guts.
>Got molested at school, have never told anybody.
>Move in with Mom when she revers from Alchoholism, is remarried.
>Lol, no still drunk.
>Dad has Huntington's disease, can't drive, or walk or talk.
>I might have it, my brother might have it, and my half-sister might have it.
>Try and kill myself twice.
>Get into argument with Mom, she kicks me and my brother out.
>Kills herself around Christmas.
>Live with Step Mother taking care of my dad.
>She treats me like human garbage, won't let me help with anything and gets mad that I won't help her.
>Always stay in room, completely different person at school.
>Sometime a few days without leaving for anything besides the restroom or a cup of water from the tap.
>Graduate, leave for Nursing school.
>It's really hard, but I just want to be a good person.
>Live in dorms, next to no friends or interaction, sometimes want to kill myself.
>Feel like I'm too different and weird to function, so I just try and make people feel better about themselves.
I feel you OP.
You previously stated, that your fear of being responsible for her is steadily growing.
Even though she brought you to this world, you are not obliged to hold her, especially if it hurts you.
It might sound harsh and appear wrong at first glance, I would leave her to herself if I were you.
I believe that, at the bottom of their heart, every mother loves their child more than themself and it would break it, if it werent for the delusional state in which they might be.
What I try to say, is that the real person (your mother) behind this delusional state, would be surely devastated if she dragged down her own beloved child.
As you described it, it appears to me, that the woman who loved you the most in the world has disappeared a long time ago. Otherwise she would have believed you over her boyfriend.
But I am actually not in the position to tell you what to do. Decide for yourself, but according to me, you would not be the one to be blamed if you chose your own happiness by breaking the circle.
Anyhow, if you DO decide to stay with her, make sure to be able to carry this weight and you should never do it out of guilt.
PS: In times like this, I remember something Nietsche said:
'Der Gewissensbiss gleicht dem Biss eines Hundes in einen Stein, einer Dummheit.'
(The biting sensation of remorse equals the bite of a dog into a rock, a stupidity.)
Of course I'm joking, but there also is a hint of honesty in those words.
Remember friend, everything is connected.
Life is not meaningless to life itself, even though compared to the infinity of the universe, it might look like it.
It might appear gay to people who have lost connection to their own emotions like (pic related in following post):
But look up the term "Rainbow Gatherings", there are still people out there who have not given up.
I love you too anon, and this is not just a figure of speech, it comes from the bottom of my heart.
Is this the part where we pull each other's dicks out and suck them dry
No it is not. I am not that much into sexual stuff you know?
Anyway, I genuinely hope that you will stop hating yourself as much as you currently do.
OP you sound like my ex, but instead of sexual abuse his father would beat the shit out of him.
I feel for you. I'm scared shitless to talk about my past because of the abuse I went through. I'm scared people will view me differently, pity me, or distance themselves from me. I know people who have been through shit have the biggest hearts, and you'll find someone that won't run when you tell them your story. They won't judge you for what you been through or did, but for who you are now.
Well during my puberty I often fantasized about torturing people, but as I developed mentally I recognized that it would not have any benifit for me at all and it would only spread more hatred and suffering.
But well, if I got a high tech lab for myself I surely could become one though.
>alcoholic and violent father
>he married my mother when she was 15
>according to him he beaten her "because that's what a real man do"
>She gave me birth at 21, after some abortions.
>My father visited my mother in the hospital 3 days later. He didn't recognised me as his son until a few days later, and after asking for a paternity test.
>they move to another country, and leave me with my uncles
>almost everything of this stage of my life is erased of my mind, repressed memories I think
>uncle hit me because that's how he educate
>also ridicules my sexual awakening, and he threatened to throw me out the house because of that
>after 2 years, I'm with my parents again, in another country
>I don't feel them like "familiars" anymore. After that I can't trust anybody.
>Father cheats. Divorce. Bad grades at school.
>Some girls ask me out, but I'm too stupid to say "yes".
>Brother is diagnosed with Asperger. All the attention is for him. I become even more lonely, and I got accustomed to that.
>Both parents have new partners.
>My mother's partner seems to be a nice guy. After a few years, he cheated on my mother with her niece.
>Separation. Lawyers. They're together again, and get married.
>Mom have a cerebrovascular accident. She have a few sequels, but she's alive and can have a normal life.
>Fast forward to the recent times.
>Father have another daughter with his partner, and seems that he changed a bit.
>I quickly get attached to her. She's the only person that I can honestly hug and say "I love you" without feeling false.
>Some time later, my father turns strongly religious, and start forcing my half-sister to go to the church every week, without letting her choose.
>I have some strong discussions with my father, because of this. His answers are usually "This is not your family, you can't say shit", "I must educate her before it's too late", "All faggots should die (seriously)", "If you become a fag I'll kill you with my own hands (he was not joking)", "I must treat women with a firm hand, even if that means to beat her to do what you want"... This is when I realised that he changed nothing.
>He started going out with some right-wing extremists (neo-Nazis, ultra-orthodox religious people...), and spending money on rightist underground propaganda, and churches.
I feel ashamed of this behaviour, but what I fear the most is the safety of my half-sis. That's why I went to her school, and I talked with the Principal about what's going on at her home.
I understand you, guys (and gals) when you say that life is hard, but we must go on. I'm currently studying philosophy and politican sciences because, (first) I want to understand how the world works, (and second) I want to create a better tomorrow.
Under Trump we will setup homosexual containment zones where you subhumans can frolic in idyllic happiness
Just don't leave them
Also... (Error: Comment too long)
About cheating, perhaps you should try with a different vision. We're humans, and monogamy is not in our nature. But she lied to you, so she don't deserve your respect.
You'll find some happiness in your life, mate. Don't be so negative, and keep living. It's just a matter of time.
Sport (running) helped me a lot. Seriously. Some fresh air can do magic for you. You'll feel active and alive! Personally, after a while I realised that I am fit and (somehow) cute, and that gave me a selfsteem boost.
>I just leave. Run. Never look back, repress my emotions like always.
I think I can understand you. I wish I could be there, because if you could trust me, you'd be able to show your feelings without fear. I will not hurt you.
Pic related, you'll laugh guys, but everytime that I watch this scene some tears come to my eyes.
Personally, I would report him to the police. Try to get evidence n' shit.
Political sciences are very desillusionating, but you seem strong enough to endure that.
Keep believing in a better tomorrow, if everybody loses hope, there will certainly never be one for us and the people we love.
> read sad story
> everybody accuses OP of being evil
> OP not self actualized to the point where he can objectively evaluate his actions and behaviours from the perspective of another person.
> OP not self actualized because of stunted mental and emotional maturity from a childhood of sexual abuse.
> OP may in fact be acting in a way that is objectively evil but he doesn't see it.
> Only one side of the story here.
Well about that girlfriend, the story is too long to be told here. But it seems like you did not read the part about me forgiving her.
I forgave her because I know that humans aren't monogamous from a biological perspective, but she left me after I said that I don't hate her for cheating on me. She replied to me that she hated me for eternity if I would have cheated on her.
I mean sleeping with somebody else is one thing, leaving the person you called the "man of her dreams" two weeks before the incident is another.
I told her that I want to believe in her no matter what happened and no matter what is going to happen. I told her that she does not have to be afraid and that I will always be at her side since she felt lonely and misunderstood her entire life. (Her history was fucked up shit too.)
But then she fucking left me the moment I completely opened my heart by telling her that I truly love her.
I also understand that she suffered tremendously by losing me since she told me that I am an angel like creature and the most important person to her.
But then I realized that she did not understand me at all the entire time and did not love me at all.
I later told her that I am glad that I have met her and that I am truely thankful for the great time I spent with her, but that I do not intend to speak another word to her ever again.
Apparently she now spreads rumors about me at the university since our common friends dropped me for no reason.
If you are bipolar then you are kind of psycho though. Embrace it is my advice.
Have good morals, take care of your boyfriend and try to make him happy, and if you bring children into this world then don't make the same mistakes.
Good luck and lots of love.
Be more precise, what is objectively evil to you?
Being evil is a matter of perspective, I almost never insult people, neither do I look down on them in any way.
They are all equals to me.
What people actually consider evil about me is my way of adressing things directly. I often heared that, they are stunned about how openly I present myself to them, therefore making it impossible for them to attack me in any way. They feel out of control and vulnerable, which results in distrust towards me in many cases.
The intention of my story was to point out that I almost always feel misunderstood by the people around me.
I'm neither angry nor do I feel offended.