I can honestly say that I'd be 100% content in life, if it wasn't for the fact that my gf makes me feel like I'm abusive.
Since there's no unbiased bystander to say what's what, I'm restless at night half laden with guilt. On one hand, She's neurotic and victimizes herself at the drop of a hat (My point of view) and on the other hand, I'm a violent, raging, lunatic that will snap at the drop of a hat (her point of view)
What do I do about this /adv/?
looking for constructive advice, not the inevitable "cut her off" post.
for some much needed backstory.
>I've never hit her.
aside from that one time we were really high and I reached for the bong at the same time she leaned forward, and I accidentally hit her nose with my forearm. Was no bigger of an ordeal than a stranger bumping you in public though.
>She's hit me.
Her argument is always that it there's no way it hurt me (which it doesn't, but I still don't appreciate it.) and is always, 100% of the time, the instigator in our arguments
>I'm level headed.
Except for with her, she has a way of getting under my skin persistently enough to where I snap at the slightest hint of instigation and tell her to leave me alone.
>She's not outspoken
Except for with me, she's constantly judging and making passive aggressive remarks about the things I do and don't do, but still says she loves me
>I've suggested we break up.
Clearly if I'm as bad for her as she makes it seem, then we don't need to be together. That statement usually ends our altercations, and she'll cry and tell me that I'm not bad for her and she loves me.
this behavior sounds like textbook "abusive relationship victim" behavior to me. someone who realizes they're in a shit position, but wont leave it for the sake of "loving them." and it is what makes me question my innocence.
Well, here's an example of a recent altercation we've had.
>She gets jealous cause I'm watching porn. says "you're fucking disgusting"
>how? you're on your period.
>so you have to go look at other girls?
>don't have to, just horny and not gay
>she snatches phone out of my hand
>I say "you're ridiculous, give me my phone"
>"why are you always so quick to insult me?"
> I ignore the fact that this started out as her insulting me, and just stop talking
>DONT IGNORE ME, YOU KNOW I HATE THAT SHIT
>well I don't feel like talking to you right now.
>don't worry about it.
>I don't say anything so she starts pushing me.
>Tell her to stop, she says "why? what are you gonna do?"
>"-.- just leave me alone" get up to leave room
>she latches onto my wrist digging her nails into my arm
>Fling her off, she hits door knob and looks at me horrified.
>do you like how you treat me??
This went on and on until I eventually put a hole in my bathroom door, giving her grounds to make accusations that I'm much more of a lunatic than I put on to be.
sorry, I've tried this thread before, Usually get no responses so I've come to the conclusion It's because It's too long or nobody gives a shit.
She wasn't crazy before hand, at least that's what she keeps saying.. that I made her the way she is.
she usually passes it off as an accident or "playing." can't help but feel like I might be looking at it from a skewed perception and victimizing myself when she really was just playing.
Nah man, she's actually the best gf I've had and we're 2 years deep. our relationship is flawless aside from the issue at hand.. which is quite the elephant. I'd much rather find a way to iron this out so we can just be good together.
where'd I fuck up? if it wasn't my phone it'd of been something else. It always is. we're good for a month and then she thinks I was checking out a 40yr old cashier. then we're good for 2 weeks and I don't charge my phone when it dies so she bursts thru the door yelling at me for ignoring her. Then we're good for a week and she gets pissed because she wants to sleep at 9 and I'm nowhere near tired.
Now it's every 3 or 4 days we go thru the same shit.. except each time it gets worse. A month ago I thru my phone. now there's holes in 2 of my walls, a door, and missing tiles in the shower. she constantly pushes me beyond my tolerances, each time lessening them. If it's my fault I'd like to know how to curb this behavior.. because my house is really starting to look like shit and my hand is really sore.
ignore this guy he's trolling
OP you are both abusive to each other. She calls you names for doing things that a normal person does, tries to manipulate you, and you belittle her and fling her off you. You are both normal people without the other. But you are bad for each other because shit escalates with you two and this ends up happening. Does she honestly make you happy at this point? Honestly she is more abusive since she's the one who gouged you with her nails and you, like a normal person, tried to get her off
>I'm watching porn
I could've just stopped reading right here.
sexually I've fucking worshiped every single girlfriend I've ever had
well almost every one. I've been very uncool to some I guess but still.
to each their own but thats completely contrary to what I feel is a healthy relationship for me whether she's on the rag, out of town, or whatever. although out of town I'm not exactly jesus christ here.
>i don't have girlfriends
so why are you giving advice on gf problems? I am female and sometimes you need a little variety to spice things up. Watching porn is not cheating. But you can't neglect your gf.
And even so, why would you take the gf side when she's the one who escalated and tried to physically hurt the op first?
I dont GET girlfriends so I can watch fucking porn at the slightest inclination or inconvenience.
better? you're completely misreading my sentence wtf
I already explained so we're talking in circles at this point. Like I said to each their own. I'm not insisting the way things should be just simply taking a side and sharing my viewpoint complete with my faults.
>I dont GET girlfriends so I can watch fucking porn at the slightest inclination or inconvenience.
Suuuurreee buddy. Sure. Whatever you say
FYI: I watch porn. So does my girlfriend. She's been wanting to do it together.
She sounds a bit crazy and like she might need to be on meds or to see someone to deal with all that insecurity and self-victimizing.
You're not anywhere near as bad, but you probably need to see someone yourself before this all cascades into something crazier. Punching holes in shit isn't normal. It's what hormonally raging 16 year olds do, not grown, rational adults.
Here's a second incedent, which is the only time I've ever "put my hands on her" meaning, confronted her with physical means.
>sleeping in bed, cozy af, unconscious and shit
>hear door slam, get hit in head by phone
>"we need to talk."
>"who the fuck is femanon"
apparently she had went thru my phone and found a convo between me and my best friend about that one time we went to the beach with his gf and femanon (his gf's lesbian bestie) and because she didn't recognize the name and the setting sounded like a double date, she thinks I cheated on her. I explain this, she doesn't believe me. I point out that shes neurotic and needs to calm her shit and quit causing problems.
>how is it I'm always wrong and you're always right?
>IDK?? cause you're constantly starting shit and I don't care enough to?
>why are you being mean?
This is a trigger question for me because we've talked about it before, and how I'd like for her to listen to what I'm telling her as opposed to get offended by it because it's constructive.
>why cant you listen?
>you dont have to be an asshole
>I'm not, just fucking listen for once
>she shoves me, tells me I'm going to start respecting her and stop treating her like shit
>how am I treating you like shit?? Literally trying to get you to stop causing your own problems and making me deal with them
>"cause you never cause my problems?? cause you're perfect"
>omfg I'm done. sit here and cry over nothing, I'll be on the couch going back to sleep
>She blocks off doorway and says I have no right to treat her like this.
>I try to move past her, get shoved again. tell her to move, doesn't. try again, get shoved again.
>quit doing that please.
>YOU'RE NOT LEAVING THIS ROOM
>yes I am, and if you follow me, I'm leaving this house. not just gonna sit here and get yelled at over bullshit, was sleeping.
>try again, get shoved.
So I grabbed her head. not sure how else to describe that. told her "I said quit" while holding her head.
Are you retarded?
Are you incapable of communication?
>well I don't feel like talking to you right now.
>don't worry about it
>don't worry about it
You sound like a child
Impress upon her that she's a mentally ill and hypocrite
You're either self deluding or completely messed in the head if you genuinely think porn is more satisfying than the real thing. That's totally against your own biological imperative.
Like I said OP. Get help or get gone. This is toxic and will only corrupt you the more you stay stagnant and do nothing.
>if you genuinely think porn is more satisfying than the real thing.
and where in the hell did I even slightly imply this?
I swear I have not been this bad at explaining myself here what in the fuck
just... kinda like a beach ball. didnt slam it against anything, or gouge her eyes. just sandwiched her head between my hands and squeezed it a bit, to make it clear that I really wanted her to stop, since saying it clearly before wasn't good enough.
yes, when were not like this. it's gotten better, haven't argued in a solid week, but the way she dodges potential arguments now really makes me feel like a monster. the second she senses that I'm not satisfied with something she responds with "I'm sorry, really, it doesn't have to be a problem, were fine ok?"
even if all I said was "i dont really agree with you"
when things are good, they're amazing. and when they're not, I almost hate her. I've kicked her out 3 times now, granted, she only left one of those times. But I've verbally said "take your shit and get the fuck out of here" 3 times, the last adding "idgaf where you go or what happens to you, just get the fuck out of my face" in hindsight, being immediately after saying it i regretted it. still hear about it.
she won't let me, says it's disgusting and will straight up deny sex for that week. but also gets mad when I fap because "you cant just wait a week?"
she sees it as my desire for other women, I've tried expressing that If she gave me more nudes I wouldnt really watch porn. got a boob pic once... apparently was supposed to satisfy my porn needs for good. didn't, then I was called a liar.
I've tried offering her some celexa, she takes it as an insult and literally threw the bottle across the room. says nobody's gonna help her, and she doesn't need help... I cant afford professional help. any other solutions??
I'm not retarded, though I do have frontal lobe damage due to a series of head injuries and consequential seizures. Not that the two are related, but I am inherently poor at conveying my thoughts and emotions without having time to organize them first.
So yeah, I'm probably slow by the standards of others. usually I wait until about half an hour after the argument to fully think through everything that happened, how I felt throughout it and imagine her perspective to the best of my ability, then I'll go in and talk it through. that goes smoothly 90% of the time. expressing that she's hypocritical won't change the matter.. I've done so already.
porn or no porn, she gets pissed either way. porn just adds insult to injury I suppose, so I've learned to wait until either I'm at work or she is.
I asked her for oral once cause she usually says she enjoys performing it. she sighed and again implied that I have problems because I cant go a week without being sexually preoccupied. I told her its normal.. she started, went for half a minute then went on about how she still thought it was ridiculous, completely killed the mood. went on for another minute, never got beyond half-erect. she flung my dick down and said "see? it's not even like you want me anyways."
and since then, just says no to any requests for oral.
well onto this separate topic from you watching porn, personally I would absolutely break up over a week without sex that didnt involve her being out of the fucking country. Unless it was conceded that this was a problem we needed to work out and prevent from happening again. I dont go through all the shit of getting a girlfriend just so we can play fucking house. Not to mention blue balls is very fucking serious to me I aint playing around with that shit. A healthy relationship to me is a sexually active one. And that means more than once a fucking week.
we fuck all the time man. at least 3 times a day, 7 days a week.. just 3 weeks out of the month. not really a reason to break it off with someone you love.
and that's the dilemma here, If she was nothing more to me than a wet hole, I wouldn't be having these problems. I'm financially and emotionally invested in her, and she does mean a lot to me, that's why it's troubling that she's so afraid of me at times.
I asked her not to long ago "you know that I'd never hurt you right? I mean physically.. I wouldn't ever purposefully inflict pain upon you."
her response was "...idk. I had a dream the other night that you punched me in the face and it put me in the hospital, cause your fist is the size of my face.. I still stuck by you through it all though"
and it just got to me. particularly that last part, because she makes it sound as if It's a burdening choice she'd have to make. like "welp, he broke my face but I chose him so I'm not gonna let him go" and the fact that this was even a thought in her head further makes me feel like I might actually be the problem here.
I used to wonder why none of her friends liked me, until I realized that this is the way she portrays me to the world outside of our relationship. "he doesn't treat me that great but I love him" meanwhile I do everything I can for her, including putting up with this shit.
Bleeding usually lasts around 2 to 7 days.
well thats news to me and I also had 3 sisters
which also makes me remember how very hard they can take that shit so I'll just leave it at I personally stay away from porn when I am lucky enough to get a girlfriend. good luck
I'm moving 900 miles away from her here in a bit. this will either break our relationship or give us the space we need from each other to either realize were never going to work or realize what were doing wrong... In theory?
Would you say that's accurate? I'll be gone for anywhere from 1 month to 1 year.. maybe longer. is this the potential answer to my problem?
there wont be any visiting. and she wont let me use skype because she think's I'll get with other girls on there. so we'll be practically nonexistent to one another aside from basic phone functions
I really think you should take this opportunity to end it cleanly and move on. You can seriously find a girl so much better than that and just the fact that your asking for advice shows you have more introspection in your open hand than I'm betting she has in her entire body.
Of course you should talk to her about these issues first and see how she responds, but I guarantee it'll be all you and none of her in her eyes.
A few weeks is some space, leaving for a year is not.
Take the gift that this relieving of commitments and proximity has given you is my advice.
She means a lot now and the road isn't easy but its worth it when you are patient and get someone so much better. I've been in a place very similar to you are now and I am a much better person for it and I have a gf my ex could never even compare to now.
Its not just about viewpoints, its about attitude. She started with an insult, went quickly to tantrum. You're dating a child and you should be able to see that even through the love filter.
yeah, I see it.. I just turn a blind eye to in in acknowledgement that I'm no better at times, and in hopes that one day she'll grow up entirely.
Thanks anon. my only remaining question here is how to go about this? She's thrown away everything in her life to be with me. not intentionally, but when we met she was in a bad spot, I pulled her through it, and we both caught feelings. In turn, I feel responsible for her wellbeing, and she cant go back to where she was. she has no family, 2 true friends, and one of them is a cat. Leaving her would be leaving her with nothing, and I don't know how to do that without being overburdened by guilt.
Also, I'd practically have to beat her off with a stick if we were to have this convo in person, and probably fuck up somewhere down the line in an effort to mop up her tears by saying something like "we can still be friends though." or "maybe it wont be forever?"
Also, all previous points aside.. what even is the best way to go about this? assuming she was an emotionally stable, rational thinker?
How do you tell someone after 2 years of life together that you're out, and hope they have a good life, without being a complete asshat? all I can do is imagine things from the receiving end.. and theres no way to hear it without having your world crushed..
how do you crush a world with no fucks to give? and not cave in to the guilt of witnessing the effects of your actions? maybe I should make another thread on this topic?
Sorry for not replying earlier but I'm just in bed now, work in the morning.
Truthfully there's no good way to do it and its never easy. Another thread on that would be a good idea from people more emotionally intelligent than I am.
No problem mate, good luck.
Just remember that her life isn't your responsibility, even if you feel that way (naturally as you are in a relationship now), when you end it that is no longer so.
Obviously you don't want to leave her in a ditch but as long as she's not directly facing financial ruin and homelessness, its not your problem.
Lastly, yes you've had 2 years together but those experiences don't just disappear when you separate. They're lessons and memories you can hold onto forever, even when you moved on and found happiness and calm elsewhere.
Do work on your anger, for your own sake as much as anyone else's.
>She's hit me.
>Her argument is always that it there's no way it hurt me (which it doesn't, but I still don't appreciate it.) and is always, 100% of the time, the instigator in our arguments
My gf does the same thing. Whenever she does this I pinch her somewhere to make it hurt a lot or smack her ass a few times. She says the same shit waahh dont hit me im gurrl I tell her she shouldn't hit other people.
Dude you are a fucking a cuck thats the end of it. Be a man you fucking pussy.
I meant your way of dealing with it. Not saying there's anything wrong with it, it sounds better than punching walls and shit, but pinching someone sounds like a childish way to deal with something, if you want to call it dealing with something.
With the information given, I feel that she's the abusive one. Unless there's something you're not telling us, congrats, you're in the fucking clear.
That being said, bitch be toxic as fuuuuck. She's able to abuse you and make you question whether you're to blame. It's a pretty classic pattern.
Most constructive advice I can give is to leave the bitch on the curb and tell your friends what happened before she tells her side of the story and turns them against you.
Enjoy being a fucking cuck and let your bitch walk over you for as long as you have her.
> pinching someone sounds like a childish way to deal with something
It hurts like hell if you do it properly and doesn't cause any major damage. Grab a good junk of skin and squeeze. The alternative is to beat the shit out of her. If you wanna go ultra man mode you can do that.
I don't act this way. Not a single woman I know well does. Please don't project your bad taste in women onto my entire gender, I'm really not to blame for you dating an emotionally stunted perma-teen.
wow do you people make dating gay men seem like the most appealing thing in the world.
Thank God women aren't actually the way 4chan portrays them as, or I'd never fucking date any of them.
There's actually a lot of in-between. I used to do a little bit of modeling (nothing serious) and have been in a commercial. I'm not a 10 or anything, but I'm slightly above average and know better than to hit my SO. You're just not looking hard enough. Don't cheat on your girl or anything, but keep your eyes on the girls that were average in high school. Some of them have ugly duckling syndrome and become sexier in adulthood, but retain their personality.
I started disliking my boyfriend when I found out he excessively watches porn and has an addiction problem with it and yes, I mistreated him and lost respect for him. We weren't fucking and it was his fault for having this habit that he refused to get professional help for. Also resented the fact he didn't tell me how deep in shit he was with this addiction when we first started dating. If only I knew..
oh okay.. well thanks :) didn't leave anything out, worst thing I ever did to her was compress her head between my hands and yell in her face. not saying it wasn't bad, I still regret it, But if you heard her talk about how she's treated, you'd assume I knock her teeth out and make her pick them up on a regular basis. At one point my mother heard our argument over the phone and told her that she is better off just giving me space and letting the situation die down. her response was "you have no idea what he does to me, you cant tell me how to be better off when you don't know what I go through." that particular argument was strictly verbal, though I do remember telling her that she was being a fucking idiot. So I guess verbal/emotional abuse is my main crime here.
I don't let my relationships bleed in to my social life thankfully. My time with friends is just that. Occasionally we'll all go out to dinner or a major event or something though.
I guess I need to get gud at cutting off people that meant something to me at one point.
>I don't act this way. Not a single woman I know well does
Unless she is in a toxic relationship. For whatever reason, they are toxic for one another. We don't know her side of the story but I can tell you that I have been in a relationship that brought out the absolute worst in me.
Not this exact behavior but certainly not my normal self.
I would suggest OP break up so they can both be with people who bring out the best in them.
The fact that OP mentioned here>>16868095 that he keeps his social life separate is a bit weird for me, it makes me think that he keeps her away from parts of his life, so that's something to think about too.
OP, I think you should break up and both of you should work on yourself.
You don't know how to talk about your issues/problems/things that bother you. My boyfriend is the same. All he does is getting very angry, defensive and going away.If I try to talk to him, he'd just insult me. He's going to therapy to fix this. I don't think it is an abusive behaviour itself, but it should be corrected.
She's an immature bitch. She went through your phone (this alone would be a dealbreaker for me), she manipulates you constantly, she talks shit about you with your mom,she doesn't take responsibilities for her behaviours (the whole bullshit about "I hit on you but I can't hurt you!"), and all that drama about watching porn.
Really, get out of there and stay alone for a while. Work on yourself. Get better at managing your anger and addressing your problems, and find a more mature woman.
Dude, you have such a fucked up crooked logic when it comes to women that it actually helps me feel better about myself. So thanks for that..
you guys broke it off right? did you opt not to fuck or was that simply the degree to which he was caught up in porn? I Don't have a pornographic addiction, she's just hypersensitive of it. Deleted my tumblr because out of the 100 pictures of guns, cars, or nature, she'd see one cleavage shot and comment "all you do is look at porn. literally every time you're on your phone."
My parents divorced because they lost interest in each other when I was young, grew up witnessing how torn their social lives were because they had all the same friends. friends had to chose sides, or not speak their mind, friends got lost in the process.
Tried to make my ex a part of everything I did for 8 months. she broke up with me because I projected my interests and people onto her and it made her feel like her life was a mere shadow of my life.
these two things together paired with the advice of my best friend kind of made me that way. plus my current gf is anti-social. simply convincing her to come out to dinner with him, his gf and I is a task in itself
>I've made her the way she is
Word for word my ex. Don't believe that, it's her fault she can't keep her shit together. It's like a school bully saying the nerd made him the way he is by being nerdy.
>She's neurotic and victimizes herself at the drop of a hat
OK, OP, let's play 20 questions.
If you honestly believe she is "...neurotic and victimizes herself at the drop of a hat" WTF are you spending time with her?
thank you anon :) Honestly think I'm gonna do that.
My only concern is I havent been single for the past 6 years (give or take 3 days or so.) I grew up alone and after knowing what it is to have someone.. I'm not sure how to be alone for an extended period of time. probably something else that needs working on I'm sure.
I literally don't know how to sit in a room for weeks and not be curious about how [insert ex here] is doing, or if femanon from work/school/the restaurant was really interested or just being friendly.
well anon, could have a lot to do with above.. but honestly it's because she's great when things are fine. honestly the most lovable of anyone I've known, she's everything I want in a life partner, just came with some shit I don't want in a life partner.. and I guess the logical part of my brain was convinced that I can't do any better than this.
>I'm restless at night half laden with guilt
If she makes you feel like this;
>I'm restless at night half laden with guilt
Why are you still with her?
>I am taking this one at a time, baby
>you guys broke it off right? did you opt not to fuck or was that simply the degree to which he was caught up in porn? I Don't have a pornographic addiction, she's just hypersensitive of it. Deleted my tumblr because out of the 100 pictures of guns, cars, or nature, she'd see one cleavage shot and comment "all you do is look at porn. literally every time you're on your phone."
Nope we are still together at this point. I am not happy being with him anymore and he's asked to give it one last shot. I am keeping my distance because I need time away from him.
He snaps easily, hard to talk to unless I am doting on him, he gets embarrassing when we are out and he drinks, he is a bit of a slob, the porn addiction is the icing on the cake for me and yes, he also has anger issues and broken things in the home. Although that hasn't happened in a year because I stopped talking to him about things that upset me apart from the porn..
His behavior after he has watched porn is very different to when he hasn't. I can tell when he's watched it and when he hasn't just by the way he acts. I am basically neautral to the relationship I have with him now.
Oh and yes it's a full blown addiction... According to him. I personally think he just has no self control.
yeah, this is accurate. played the possibility back in my head quite a bit. I created a school shooting, following the analogy you guys have going here.
I'm to blame for everything that I don't like about her.. It's quite the impasse
adding a bit more here, it's not necessarily that i can't do better.. I'm positive I could. but more that Setting higher goals than this is selfish, unrealistic, and setting myself up for disappointment.
because I don't feel like she's entirely to blame. I'm a firm believer that you're in control of your own emotions, to an extent.. Also guilt is very self-inflicting from my experiences.. you cant be guilty for something you don't do.. and the fact that I'm conflicted here means that I must be abusive to some degree, even if it is simply verbal. Whatever I'm doing is making her feel this way, which means I'm fucking up.
This is therapeutic and I appreciate it anon. I'm not sure how to describe the feeling it gives me. It's nice though.
lol wrong file but fuckit
this is crazy shit (fem)anon.. I feel bad for you :/ why don't you just say fuck the "last shot" and pursue your own happiness? with someone who can devote their time to you and make you feel like you're more important to them than medial things?
I think that a big step of growing up is learning to be happy on your own.
I am just like you, I think I have been single for 10 days over the last 9 years. I worked a lot on myself over the last 3 years, and learnt how to not be as dependent anymore, and have a high opinion of myself even without others' validation. I am lucky and I have a great boyfriend, who supported me a lot through this. It helped my relationship too, we're much happier and healthier than we used to be.
Fill your life with things that make you happy: work out, spend time with your friends and family, work on your hobbies, travel, read, learn how to do new things. I don't think it'd be bad to keep seeing people: keep things pretty casual, tho, or find a woman who is mature, strong, caring and loving enough to support you and help you with your personal growth.
>and make you feel like you're more important to them than medial things?
Umm.. I guess it's because I don't believe that kind of man is out there...He actually makes me feel unworthy because he does the bare minimum to keep me. So I am used to his mediocre treatment and find it weird when men are nice to me... and secondly, If we break up, I'll be losing my best friend. That part is hard for me.
Right now, I am focusing on myself and trying to get happy again.
because nobody's perfect. and I'm sure it would take zero effort to find a girl that has 10x the shit I don't want in a life partner. In other words, things could be so much worse. Also she's loyal.. so I don't have to worry about that.
literally can't even think about how to have a casual relationship with someone. but all of those things listed seem invaluable.
The only things that truly make me happy are illegal or non existent. both of my friends recently enlisted, no family besides my mother and I'd rather spend time with a stranger. The only thing I can think of that would be fulfilling is helping someone else.. but that's how I ended up in the situation I'm in. maybe I simply don't value myself enough? I'll figure it out
you seem like a really good friend to have though..
Obviously I'm no relationship guru here anon... but they're out there.. trust me. Also I think that last bit about focusing on yourself and becoming happy again would be so much easier with more supportive company. you know, people around that reflect your true value instead of making you feel worthless. that's not fair to you.. obviously speak in on your situation, but that's not the type of imprint a best friend should have on your life
>obviously speak in on your situation, but that's not the type of imprint a best friend should have on your life.
meant to say "I can't speak in on your situation."
Sorry if my sentences haven't been entirely clear throughout the thread lol.
>you seem like a really good friend to have though.
>literally can't even think about how to have a casual relationship with someone
I can relate to that, but you need to be with someone extraordinary if you want to be able to work on yourself and be with them, and they're obviously hard to find.
>The only things that truly make me happy are illegal or non existent.
What are those things? Content is mostly about wanting what you have, and not having what you want. If your life is so dissatisfying that nothing about it is making you happy, what are you doing to try and change it?
>The only thing I can think of that would be fulfilling is helping someone else
Some people, including me, focus on helping other to ignore their problems and their issues. Are you sure you're not doing that?
>maybe I simply don't value myself enough?
Try to act like the person you want to be, do things that make you feel good about yourself, surround yourself of people you respect and make you feel appreciated.
How is your life going, in general? Are you sure you aren't going through some depression?
>what are those things?
Weed, Guns, and business transactions make rather happy. If I could be surrounded by those 3 things and a group of like-minded individuals, I'd be set. I suppose being good at something would be nice. All I've ever been good at is fighting and helping others.
>. If your life is so dissatisfying that nothing about it is making you happy, what are you doing to try and change it?
I have nothing here but my gf. So I'm moving to PA by invitation of a distant relative. Haven't seem him since I was 4, he offered me a job, a place to stay, and practically a second chance at life... I don't know what to do as far as finding quality friends though.
>are you sure you're not doing that?
I honestly don't know how to do anything else. when I focus on strictly me for a while, I start to crave a connection with someone. a very specific, loyal connection. I feel the need to take someone under my wing and act as their shield, if that makes any sense. their problems become my problems. but eventually we split ways and I feel unappreciated by the end of it all.
>try acting like the person you want to be
That's hard.. because I simply want to be myself. I'd just like to be happy now that you pointed out the difference between that and content (really appreciate the way you think.)
>how is your life going? are you sure you're not going through depressions?
I was prescribed 40mg celexa due to depression. stopped taking them because they didnt work. Odds are I'm still depressed. As I said above, I have nothing, no goals, no hobbies, no materialistic value. the only visible worth I have is reflected by the one I'm with, which is what makes it so hard to cur her off I think.
Full summary on my life, what I see when I focus hard on how my lifes been.
>fought a lot as a kid. 2 national championships in martial arts, 1 in kickboxing. I regard those as my only true accomplishments, which sucks cause I hadn't even hit puberty by the time I peaked in life lol.
>took that fighting into school with me, mostly protected weaker people and kept people from getting their shit fucked up.
>fell in love with a girl who killed herself.
>got expelled. moved to a major city, became associated with a criminal organization, had time of my life.
> gf's father was a retired criminal, gave me a lot of life pointers, such as "get out now before you throw your life away" did just that, sure enough my 2 closest friends got killed and 4 others jailed.
>never made it to funerals so their families dont want to see my face.
>got my diploma a year early despite being expelled. went to college with no more than 7th grade knowledge. in way over my head, failed absolutely everything.
>find out from doctor my frontal lobe is permanently damaged and the reason I pass out from time to time is because of seizures. memory, personality, processing speeds, and attention span are all permanently fucked.
>get put on addrerall, celexa, and seizure control meds. stop taking them because they make me feel like shit.
>get fired from my only legit job cause can't remember shit.
>realize that everything I ever thought about being "destined for greatness" is bullshit, And I'm only ever gonna be a basic member of society.
>best friends enlist for marines, figure fuck it, might as well also. get told no because too many scars and health issues (aforementioned seizures and the like) try for army, get told the same thing.
>realize I have no Idea what to do with the rest of my life.
And this is where I'm currently at. relative literally popped in my life and said "wanna move here?" I said "sure, why not?" and that's all she wrote.