I've been playing my own psychiatrist/therapist (with the exception of maybe 7 months seeing good ones) for about 6 years. I'm 21 now. Safe to say I was not a very good one at first. I used all the negative coping skills like OCD, drinking, and being exploitative of people. The problem is likely the lack of a consistent home (moved 21 times), and these shrug-it-off Medicaid professionals with 100 patients.
I think I have depression or borderline or some such bullshit. I think I'm becoming a better therapist to myself, and that I might be coming back to some ethical and moral code like I had before the whole mental health disaster started. That makes me feel a little better, and like I could make a friend if I stopped isolating.
The problem I want advice with is that I'm still sitting here ten years later doing an enhanced version of the same shit. I'm supposed to start working and finding my own place soon, which is progress, but I feel like I'll fail. Everything feels like a dream all of the time. Gross sex would probably make me sick, and drinking makes me feel disoriented. I feel too fucked up.
So, the diagnosis to work with is
>depression or borderline or some such bullshit
Go a little deeper, that's not much really. Or more like, that's very wide spectrum that could be anything and present itself in many ways.
And you problem was that you'd been doing the same shit as ever, as in playing a therapist. And that you feel like you'll fail in working and finding your place.
But, there really isn't enough info to go on, and not clear enough questions. How isolated exactly have you been? Have you been studying? Everything feeling like a dream as in like watching a movie that isn't happening to you? Or just unreal? You're kind of all over the place there, we can't see inside your mind anon
>very quickly shifting, normal spectrum moods
>moments of not being able to think well
>moments of not being able to balance
>ocd behaviors and lists of terrible fears
>self harm suicide urges, never act on
>social withdrawal, dementophobia, agoraphobia
>Your problem is the same, because you're doing the same thing.
Yeah. I'm supposed to be exercising and meditating, but it's like really damned hard to get myself. Maybe those are things that people in severe anxiety don't want to do? I know it would help me if I did.
>You feel like you'll fail at working and finding your place.
Yes. I think I can get some help with that, and that work might actually feel good. My state and county has a good vocational program. They trained this one guy I met to drive rigs, for free.
>How isolated exactly have you been?
Kind of like no friends, fake dad fake brother (friends, complicated), feeling to "bad" to meet up with anyone, just like working out
>Everything feels like a dream as in watching a movie that isn't happening to you?
Yeah I feel like I'm in the theater sometimes. When my temporary outpatient therapist asks me how I feel, I sometimes say that I'm just eating popcorn.
Some real shit happened to me a few years ago, and I acted really out of line. I don't want to elaborate on that. My therapist says I'm out of the woods in that respect, but that my mental health has become like a festering untreated wound. It kind of pisses me off, because I have been getting "treatment" for years. Maybe the treatment wasn't good, and neither was my self-treatment.
Do some Vipassana. There's lot of resources online, but I find the Buddhist flavour explains it well (since it was discovered by the Buddha).
It's dangerous since if youre not aware you will be engulfed with thoughts, neuroses, obsessions but it has the quality of purifying the mind. You're already playing self-doctor so this is not so farfetched for you.
You're right about the symptom management. I am on meds. Perhaps I need more, or some friend to go to the gym with me to get me started.
Yeah man, Zen, DBT, etc..
Being aware that my head is fucked up is probably how I stopped be destructive to myself and others. Awareness is great. I don't like to drink anymore.
People have said they enjoy me and that I "help". I guess my interpersonal is okay if I remain calm, but that my ability to be productive in society is super low.