Is talking to girls over text/Facebook messenger usually a bad idea? I feel like I sound very autistic over Messenger and any attempt on my part to start conversation just appears desperate. Therefore, I try to avoid doing this. At the same time though I have a hard time seeing girls or whatever in person.
What are your thoughts?
No it's great practice.
I used to suck at messaging too. I used to double text, ask for a response, get too clingy, all the no-nos.
When I see a girl I like on Tinder or okcupid, I message her "How does this work? We're dating now, right..."
It works almost every time.
Try treating it like a normal conversation. If you're not good at it (it is hard to read emotions), just try to keep it to a minimum, and maybe offer things like skype or meeting in person if you think they want to talk.
Also, give yourself a reason to talk to them. Say, "I saw you talk about X on facebook. I don't want to get lost in the comments, but I wanted to talk about it with you." or something. Obviously don't word it that autistically (after all, that's a vague template for any topic), but just try and talk about something with her and go from there.
nope, so long as you keep it short and simple.
for every two times you engage, you gotta let her engage once. if she doesnt ever engage, then shes not remotely interested. but yeah keep it short.
>hey thanks for the ad. hows it going?
>ah yeah, thats a bummer, my mom died this weekend too.
>on that note, i gotta go to the funeral...
>hey how was your moms funeral?
>yeah ours was closed casket, no fun.
>its pretty depressing
>i think i need some coffee as pick me up. you should join me for a cup.
The only way to get better at social situations is to keep trying, because it is a skill, not an ingrained trait. Are you autistic, or otherwise mentally unusual? Not trying to be an ass, but that might be why you have a hard time with emotions. If that's the case, look up a few videos on reading body language and vocal tones - it honestly helps if you're not great with emotions, regardless as to whether or not you're just under socialized or legitimately unwell mentally.
I don't think I'm autistic, just terrible at social interaction. My parents homeschooled me and I never really left the house until I came to university (where I am now) so I have practically no idea how to socially interact.
I'm the same way (also was homeschooled), but if you do have autism there isn't any shame in that, you just more or less need to become self-aware of it. Not saying you are, just saying it's not a social death sentence.
What is a social death sentence is giving up, especially if you're over 18 and still that way. After college, getting better at social interaction will be much, much harder, especially if you just give up - and that's a really lonely life.
Try for face to face interaction. Join groups, if you can, even if they're kind of cringe-y (anime or video game related is still better than nothing), and do what the natives do, so to speak. If you're in some weirdo awkward group, they'll probably even understand if you're upfront about a lack of social interaction (although you don't need to be).
Try and keep conversation casual when you talk to people, until you have a better gauge of their political views. Discuss television, movies, non-threatening news stories (scientific discoveries, for example), music, and so on. Avoid things like politics, religion and other buzz topics. Body language is hard to learn, but it's something you can probably pick up easily. Just take it slow - it's better to seem shy or quiet than crazy or super autistic.
Like I said, start watching people (but don't look like a creeper - don't stare, just be mindful) and try and copy what they do. It's a really, really steep learning curve but worth at least trying.
I used to really, honestly be the same way. Homeschooled after the first grade (age six - I'm assuming you're British because you said uni), and had few friends, but you really can do it. It's just hard.
How do you learn about people's interests in music and stuff like that? I feel like just saying "what kind of music do you listen to?" sounds awkward. Maybe because I think it will sound awkward it comes out awkward.
>is there any music playing
if yes then
>ugh i hate this song
then gauge their reaction. if yo uwant something less aggresive you can also try
>this song sounds familiar, whos it by?
then they tell oyu and you say
>ah, this ones pretty godo btu i dont really like their other stuff. more of an XX fan myself.
give a pause to see if they comment on that. if not force in a
>what kidn of music do you listen to
same way to get there, but a few extra steps to lessen the awkward fall
Are you drunk?
It's a bit hard. If you're on facebook or OkCupid, they'll likely tell you somewhere on there. If you know they have one, then don't feel like looking at that is cheating - just also don't tell them you found out via there, and don't be obvious.
>If they do have that information online, and you can access it
Look it up on your phone real quick, or look it up in advance if it's in person; if not, just keep it up some where. Mention you like a band, book, movie, whatever that they like or bring it up. Try something like, "Did you see the new episode of Y?" or something along those lines.
>If they don't
Look for hints. Maybe they own something relating to whatever (like a tshirt, or a phone case, or whatever; if it's branded and related to something, they probably enjoy it) or maybe they've name dropped something they like. If something is popular enough, you can even just bring it up and assume they have an opinion on it.
Also use things going on around you. Is a band coming to town? Did a group near you do something of importance? Did someone mention something on facebook that you can use as a conversation with them?
For example, if you're friends with a girl on facebook, and she mentions how much she likes something in a status, or that something happened in her day, like the post and make a small comment. "Oh, I like x too" or "I saw that episode, it was great" or "Wow, wild day!" and wait for her to comment too. Then you can message her privately if you want (especially if she instigates a real conversation with you in the comments) and go from there.
"It's really refreshing to see someone else who likes Y. Mind if we talk about it more?" or something along those lines; or, "I had Z happen to me too!" if it's an event.
Once you get your foot in the door, go from there. If she mentions she has a dog, talk about your dog or ask about it; if she mentions she likes something, try and expand upon it.
Thank you guys. I think I will do some reading. It is hard to do stuff like this because most of my interactions with people are in academic settings, not more casual type. The people I talk to don't post anything on Facebook either. Maybe I should start hanging out with non-engineering majors.
Probably. Branching out doesn't hurt, especially if you're in a more introverted field and want to make friends.
College is a place where it's okay to be both awkward, and looking for friends. Most people are a bit of both there. Go places people your age hang out; public areas like common rooms, and on campus bars, clubs, restaurants, parks, etc. and try to find common ground. Join groups, even if you're not passionate about it; if you leave later on, they won't think anything of it. And girls can always come later; if you approach more awkward men, they'll likely be just as desperate as you. Don't feel badly if your first few tries don't go well, or if relationships peter out. Just keep trying. Eventually, someone will want to be your friend if you try long enough, and once you have a friend it's much easier to make more and meet girls.
I think a lot of my anxiety stems from the fact that my major (electrical engineering) is not very populated (only about 90 of us) and I'll pretty much be in classes with these same people I'm trying to befriend for the next 2 years. I don't want to get left out of shit because I fuck up socially.
I think I might go and talk to some of the psychological counselors on campus and get their opinions on stuff.
Getting help from a therapist is always a good start, but if it doesn't work out (some therapists, like some people, are assholes), that's not anything wrong with you. Try listening to their advice if it seems relevant, and do try branching out.
Honestly though, most people (who are worth your time) aren't going to ostracize you if you're awkward. If you fuck up, they won't care in a year, much less two.
Just don't give up. We're all going to make it, and falling into negativity won't help anyone.