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Post No. 16859348
Okay, it's a long story, so bear with me.
12 years ago today, I lost my baby. I was almost 9 months along. I was 26, and had just gotten back from some baby shopping with my at the time husband. It had iced over the previous night, and as I was walking up the steps, I slipped. The most vivid memory I have from that day was when I couldn't hear him crying. I knew from the moment I slipped that he had died, but when he was born I still expected to hear him cry. It's almost as if a part of my heart died along with him. I never even named him. I can remember waking up every single morning after that day feeling empty because, he would always start to kick at around 7am. A few months after I lost him, my husband and I split up. He coped by drinking, and I coped by distancing myself. You never get over losing a child. You just learn to live with it. Anyway, a few weeks ago I met up with my ex husband at a bar just to catch up. We both ended up getting a little drunk, and went home together. Stuff happened, and I guess you can put two and two together. Last week, I began to feel just a strange feeling in my core. Nothing I ate sat right. So on my way to work I picked up a pregnancy test. Sure enough, it was positive. I took six tests, and they all came out positive. After I lost my son, I swore I'd never get pregnant again. I called my ex husband and we had a very long talk. He was shocked, but after it wore off we agreed on keeping the baby. He's planning on moving in next month. We're on good terms, and we agreed it's best for the baby that we raise him/her together. We don't know if we'll be getting married yet, we're taking it one step at a time. My only problem is, I feel like I'll never move on. Not a day goes by where I don't break down and cry. My son would've been 12 today. I just feel like I'll never be happy, or that I won't feel love for my new baby. I feel like it'll never get better, but I need help before my new baby is born. Does anyone have advice?