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Okay, it's a long story, so bear with me.
12 years ago today, I lost my baby. I was almost 9 months along. I was 26, and had just gotten back from some baby shopping with my at the time husband. It had iced over the previous night, and as I was walking up the steps, I slipped. The most vivid memory I have from that day was when I couldn't hear him crying. I knew from the moment I slipped that he had died, but when he was born I still expected to hear him cry. It's almost as if a part of my heart died along with him. I never even named him. I can remember waking up every single morning after that day feeling empty because, he would always start to kick at around 7am. A few months after I lost him, my husband and I split up. He coped by drinking, and I coped by distancing myself. You never get over losing a child. You just learn to live with it. Anyway, a few weeks ago I met up with my ex husband at a bar just to catch up. We both ended up getting a little drunk, and went home together. Stuff happened, and I guess you can put two and two together. Last week, I began to feel just a strange feeling in my core. Nothing I ate sat right. So on my way to work I picked up a pregnancy test. Sure enough, it was positive. I took six tests, and they all came out positive. After I lost my son, I swore I'd never get pregnant again. I called my ex husband and we had a very long talk. He was shocked, but after it wore off we agreed on keeping the baby. He's planning on moving in next month. We're on good terms, and we agreed it's best for the baby that we raise him/her together. We don't know if we'll be getting married yet, we're taking it one step at a time. My only problem is, I feel like I'll never move on. Not a day goes by where I don't break down and cry. My son would've been 12 today. I just feel like I'll never be happy, or that I won't feel love for my new baby. I feel like it'll never get better, but I need help before my new baby is born. Does anyone have advice?
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I don't think that you'll ever get over the child you lost, unfortunately. It is a sad thing to deal with but hopefully the new child will bring out some happiness for the both of you. Best of luck.
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Love this baby as much as you would the one that died. You sound like a good parent I'm sure you'll do good.
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I am sorry to hear about the circumstances. Losing a baby is never that easy, but that far along is especially rough. The above said, congratulations on patching things up with your ex and on your new pregnancy.
Have you seen a therapist before? A grief counselor may be best; they specialize in cases dealing with loss like this. Maybe you've already done this -I don't know- but I've got to check.
You mention that you never named your first child: it sounds like this weighs on you. Have you considered giving him a name? The ancient Romans used to do this. They were not a very creative people when it came to names -most of the common given names were just indications of birth order- but they counted miscarriages and stillbirths in that order. For example, if your new child is a boy, the Romans might have named him Secundus ("second"), even though he would be your first child to survive to term. I am not suggesting that you name this new child Secundus, obviously, and naming your first child Primus (as the Romans would have) sounds strange today. But the Roman found some meaning in naming even lost babies. Would naming your first child have some meaning for you? Might that help the healing process?
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>>16859348
Wow.
To be honest, this sounds like bait. But in case it isn't, keep moving forward. But no, you never get over the one you lose. They are a part of your life though.
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>>16859412
I think you have a point. I had him cremated because I didn't my baby six feet underground in a box, but I'll talk it over with my ex husband. Maybe we need a proper funeral like service for him, with a memorial and a name. Thanks. And my ex husband and I already attend couple's therapy, but we're thinking about seeing a specialist for losing children. Thanks a lot=)
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>>16859382
>>16859384
>>16859439
Thanks for the feedback guys, it means a lot.
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