My gf moved out (she was living with me casually, not officially, but she was always around) and now we're on a "break" and she's deciding whether we'll get back together or not.
Basically i woke up in the middle of the night horny and used her hand to jerk myself off a little bit. I didn't go all the way, I just went back to sleep. She asked me the next day if i did that because apparently she was half awake. I admitted it and now it's all gone to shit.
I feel like what i did was wrong and creepy but i also feel like she's over reacting. I really like her and want her to take me back. I know she has issues with past experiences of being taken advantage of so I understand why she's reacting badly to a degree. But we haven't had a real conversation for 14 days now and i miss her.
>Basically i woke up in the middle of the night horny and used her hand to jerk myself off a little bit.
why would you do this when your relationship is already hanging by a thread? or were things fine before this? I read your post as "we were on a break and then the hand thing happened," is that the case or did the hand thing cause her to want a break?
It doesn't sound like you making her jack you while you thought she was sleeping is the only issue. I suspect it's a combination of behaviors coming from you, and you're only focusing on the straw that broke the camel's back.
If you really want her back, try and think about the whole relationship from her point of view. Her realizing that you really know the extent of your issues and are trying to work through them to keep her will mean more than any empty gestures.
Things were fine before this. In fact I'd say the day leading up to that night was the peak of our relationship so far. We had so much fun and things felt really close. We've been seeing each other for about 3 months, and she has been reluctant with sex sometimes, but I've been willing to be patient with her.
Yeah I know i shouldn't have done it. It was only recently she'd opened up to me about her past experiences too, so it hurts more i guess. But what i did was stupid not malicious. I'm not a habitual rapist, just a dumb, horny idiot.
that's not acceptable behavior OP jerk yourself off if you need to but don't sexually assault someone in their sleep. if she filed charges, you would be on the predator list
just sit and think about what you've done
if she contacts you tell her you're sorry
but don't call her or you could end up in jail
it was very wrong what you did
I agree with this. My suspicion is that there's something else going on but this is the only thing she's told me and now she won't really talk to me. But i definitely want to ask her if there's something else going on. She has promised she will talk to me again whichever way she decides. The waiting is killing me though and she doesn't want me to message her while she's making her mind up, she just wants her space which is painful but i'm respecting it
honestly I would be kinda weirded out if my husband did this, and it's certainly not because I'm afraid of his dick or sex. not just because doing sexual things without consent is creepy (it is) but also because I'd feel like I was missing out. if he wants my help getting off, he's free to wake me up and ask. I might be a little grumpy at being woken up if I'd just gotten to sleep, but I would rather be awake and having fun helping him get off.
I wouldn't leave him for it, but then marriage has a lot more at stake than a bf/gf relationship. but we'd definitely need to talk it out. hell, if he's into the asleep-handjobs thing, we could figure out a compromise or something. some people are actually into the whole non-con thing as long as the boundaries are worked out beforehand (no pun intended).
I know you said things were going great but honestly I'm getting the sense that there is more going on here than just the hand incident. maybe it's just the fact that she's been through sexual assault stuff, and that can affect all areas of a person's outlook and ability to trust and relate, even outside the bedroom.
agreed with this anon. be prepared to make a lot of concessions if you want her back. I will say that most times "taking a break" is the beginning of the end no matter what you do, so accept the possibility that you may have lost her for good.
we all fuck up and do dumb shit. I hope you guys can work it out.
One time I stuck my finger in my gf's butt while we were both half asleep and she was pissed at me for months.
Get ready to not have sex for a very long time, and have to win your girlfriend over all over again.
Wine and mushrooms helped me, and ecstasy.
Not me senpaitachi, I'm flawless. I did go to pieces at the end of highschool, fail college and I'm now 25 with no friends.
But if we met in the street, you'd never know unless I told you.
This is very true.
I used to be insecure that my gf had sex with two guys before we started dating, but then I just told myself "I hooked up with four other sluts in High School. I've done much worse than she has."
If your partner has a higher count than you, this method doesn't work.
I wouldn't know the specifics, no, but you are a live human being walking around so I know for a fact you have issues. granted some people are more broken than others. and some put more effort into fixing themselves than others. and there is nothing wrong with saying "damn I feel for that person, but their issues are more than I can cope with, I have to cut them loose."
but thinking you are flawless is false unless you mean it in a zen buddhist "I and everybody else and the universe are all exactly how they are supposed to be" kind of way.
I'm not going to call her. She said she needs her space so i don't want to do anything to piss her off because i really do want her to give me a second chance.
I did actually try to wake her up but she's a very heavy sleeper (or so i thought). That's probably how she was half awake - because i tried to wake her up to have sex with her. And yeah i agree with having to make lots of concessions. I'm well aware i fucked up and she has reasons to have hang-ups around stuff like this. I don't really want to accept the possibility that she's gone for good, but i'm not going to hound her either. If she ends it I'll cry and move on
Any specific views on whether she's overreacting? I'm interested to get people's opinion on that aspect specifically. I know what i did was wrong, but was it move-out-and-end-the-relationship bad?
2nd one I think family. I'm very happy. You have no idea just how at peace I am with my failed life. I have plans and know exactly what I need to do to advance toward my goals. It seems too easy. I know where I can fall down and have some backup plans, but I fear nothing.
Whatever issues I still have are invisible to me, and invisible to everyone else. No one I meet dislikes me.
Strangely enough I do believe in predestination. Maybe I should give Zen a try.
>Any specific views on whether she's overreacting? I'm interested to get people's opinion on that aspect specifically. I know what i did was wrong, but was it move-out-and-end-the-relationship bad?
even if you got a definitive straight-from-god answer to that, it wouldn't matter. what constitutes a dealbreaker or an appropriate reaction depends largely on what kind of effect it has on the person it happened to.
in the case of whether it's bad enough to end the relationship, that also depends on
>how strong the relationship is (hard to say)
>how triggered she was by it (also hard to say, maybe a lot)
>how likely you are to learn from this and not do that again (sounds like you're solid there)
>but also how much *she believes and trusts* that you will learn from it and not do it again (again, hard to say)
even aside from all those issues, there's always the fact that one person's "sorry, can't deal, we're done" is another person's "ok that was super hurtful but I'm willing to work it out as long as this never happens again" is another person's "dude that's annoying, can you not"
It was most definitely bad. "Move-out-and-end-the-relationship" bad? Depends on the person, the amount of time and trust between partners, the dynamic of the relationship. It's really a very individual case-by-case sort of thing that you're dealing with.
I wouldn't mind if my husband did that, but the nature of our relationship, the fact that we were best friends before we ever started romantically, and the sheer length of time that we've been together has built a level of trust where I know he would never do anything to hurt me. Him jacking himself off with my hand? Whatevs. Him actually going for the whole thing while I'm asleep? Not cool, and he would never do that.
If you and she are meant to be together, anon, I really hope that it works out. If she takes you back, you two really have to be honest with each other and set out some clear boundaries about what's okay and what's not. And I don't mean just about sex, but about your partnership in general, and about what kind of life you want to have together.
>I feel like what i did was wrong and creepy but i also feel like she's over reacting.
she's not over reacting. you really need to get it through your skull, or one day the guards are going to say you're just over reacting to what happened to you in prison.
what you did is illegal on every continent on earth.
Dude's doing things wrong, I'm telling you. You tell us that she's a bit reluctant about sex? Firstly, don't fool yourself that this girl is right for you. Don't be patient with her. It's quite possible that your sex drives are not matched. If you want to carry the relationship on and commit further, you could find yourself in an unsatisfactory situation in the future.
Did you find yourself ask her for sex before? Did she turn you down? Is that why you did the hand thing? Sound like she might be a bit of a prude. On the other hand, you might just not have met your sexual match.
Let's say you do want to continue the relationship. Don't not call her. Call her now and try to resolve it. You can win her back and she will appreciate the fact that you are trying. If you don't try she will think you don't care.
I personally would leave it. If it were me, I would say she isn't right for me and I deserve what I want from life.
>how strong the relationship is
I feel like it was strong and getting stronger. It's quite early on but she was already living with me. We have had arguments before that resulted in us not talking for a week but the good far outweighs the bad. She's also been under a lot of stress from work and other things.
>how triggered she was by it
Clearly a lot. But i want her to know that now i know this is a trigger for her i would never do it again. I crossed her personal boundary but i have learned from that.
>how likely you are to learn from this and not do that again
absolutely. lesson learned.
>but also how much *she believes and trusts* that you will learn from it and not do it again
I think this is really what it's all hinging on. She's told me she doesn't know whether she can trust me now and she doesn't know if i'm a rapist or something. I know if she gives me a second chance i can prove i'm a decent person, but obviously if i dont get that chance i can't.
>If she takes you back, you two really have to be honest with each other and set out some clear boundaries about what's okay and what's not. And I don't mean just about sex, but about your partnership in general, and about what kind of life you want to have together.
I'm all for this. I've been doing a lot of thinking about what kind of life i want with her these last 2 weeks. I want her back and i want my second chance. I won't need a third
As a joke.
In a certain light, wasting so many years to have so much debt and nothing to show for it could be seen as failure.
But it can't be helped. No sense regretting the past. I must move onward.
Nah she's over reacting hard as fuck dude, and usually wanting to take a break means an excuse to go out and fuck other people. So it seems to me she was looking for any little excuse she could find to go fuck someone, that or she's a fucking prude, and I'm assuming if you lived together you've been together a while and have fucked already, and if that's the case fuck her anyways.
Sorry to say it, but just be done with her Op, she's riding some dudes cock RN as you read this
>did you ask her for sex before? Did she turn you down? Is that why you did the hand thing?
This is probably part of it desu. She has been not in the mood many times. But I am understanding and there's more to life than sex anyway - i like her as a person too. And when we do have sex its fantastic.
>Call her now and try to resolve it
She has asked for space and i'm following that. She has had an obsessive stalker and i dont want her to think i'm pressuring her too much. I have messaged her but i'm only getting short replies so i take the hint - she wants space and time to think on it.
>usually wanting to take a break means an excuse to go out and fuck other people
Obviously part of me fears this. Like i said before i believe there is more to this than the hand thing. Has she met someone else? It's certainly crossed my mind. If she has I wish she'd just tell me.
I did read it before I typed. I wouldn't imagine that what happened had much to do with the fact that the girl had been taken advantage of in the past. More likely the dude requires a kind of spontaneity in his sex life that this girl can't provide him with. Perhaps he felt he couldn't have woken her up and got her to have sex with him because she would have got angry and in his desperation (read 'because of his needs') ended up doing something characteristically 'creepy'.
I would go further to say the guy, while ultimately having done something stupid actually deserves sympathy. I think he deserves to be told how it is.
If this happened to me in my 5 year+ relationship I wouldn't care because we've had a long time to build up trust. If it had happened back when we had only been dating for 3 months, though.. I don't think she's overreacting.
In terms of sex don't settle for second best. Make sure you and your partner sync sexually. I would be annoyed if my partner kept turning me down. I would probably do something bad like you did. Maybe it's a sign? Not trying to make you feel bad but sadly it sounds like the dynamic in this relationship has gone a bit awry. Without trying to offend anyone I think women respond to confidence, they like being dominated, which leads me to my next point. If you want to get her back, sitting at home and giving her space is not going to cut it, in fact it's a sure way to lose the mantel. Trust me. She's sitting at home thinking 'I was right about this faggot.' Sounds crazy right? She asked you for some space and you're just going to give it to her? In reality what she really wants is for you to take control of the situation and win her back but if I were you I wouldn't bother. Sounds like this one may have gone sour. Even if you do get her back, the dynamic in this one has gone against you and not because of what you did with the hand. This happened at some point before.
If you'd been dominant in this one, she'd willingly let you have her almost whenever you had wanted.
It's not all bad though. Learn from your mistakes and in the next time be dominant and you'll ace the next relationship. It's kind of shitty but it's what women like. They hate being t iptoed around.