Im not sharing my story for a pity party, I'm sharing it to try and get a better understanding of how to dig myself out of the hole I'm in, to see if anyone can relate or give me advice.
I skipped out on learning how to be a social human being. I never really made friends or had any desire to, so when I got my first computer freshman year and moved to another state, it was paradise. I woke up, went to school, went home and sat in front of a monitor for eleven hours until I fell asleep and did it again. I lived with my dad who worked night shifts, so I only ever saw him for two or three hours on saturday and sunday. I spoke so little at school most of my peers thought I was mute or autistic or had some sort of disorder. I passed three classes because my teachers were convinced I was retarded. I didn't have a problem with it at the time. This went on until senior year when I just got too bored of doing that every day, so I went and bought a bag of weed, found a group of stoners and offered to share. Drugs were how I began my social education, and they're still the only real thing that keeps me in contact with other human beings. I'm now 20.
The root of my problem as I see it is that I just never learned that basic set of social skills, what's socially right and wrong, whats awkward and whats not. I started channing around sophomore year and that was the only social exposure I had for years, I'm still struggling to adjust to how different the real world is and how most people act towards each other than on the internet, in games and in places like this. When I lost my virginity, I was already bored by sex just through the sheer amount of fucked up porn I've desensitized myself to. I've fucked a handful of times since and haven't once been able to come close to getting off, with guys or girls.
This has been my life for basically all of what I can remember now, for some reason middle school and earlier just isn't in my memory anymore. Cont.
I've come to terms with who I am. I know what I can and cant do, but over the last two years it seems like an increasingly bigger subconscious part of me won't have that. It's started to emerge in every social situation I go into. It started off as me trying to act a certain way, to copy what I see other people doing to be succesfully social, to just be able to blend in and operate without tension in my job and daily life. But somewhere along the line, it's like my fake persona started taking a path of its own. I know too many people to keep track of now, I'm out all the fucking time partying, doing very drug under the sun, 'livin' it up'. But in every one of these situations its still like I'm just in the backseat, silently watching everythingunfold while that other me goes on autopilot, controlling and managing my social life for me without any effort on my part. I'm just a passenger in my body, watching out a window while the driver does what he wants. Up until now I've been too bored, cared too little about what goes on in my life to do anything but ride the wave.
Recently though, I've started to despise what the driver's become. He's riddled with narcisism, everything he(I) do or react to is ocused on me. Or not even so much that as, I'm focusing on how I'm going to react, what everything means to me, what I can get out of my current interaction, or jsut obsessing over how good I(he) has gotten at fooling everyone into thinking I'm a real person. When I lay down to sleep, I think of all the things I said and did to be socially acceptable and I fucking cringe, I want to cry and beat myself for what I've become. and it's at the point where I cant control it anymore. I'm fully aware of what's unfolding, what I'm becoming, but every time I open my mouth I'm powerless to control the spastic cringy fuckwit that relies on other people's reactions to satisfy my narcisism. Everything Ido is centered on trying to get people to notice me, but its not even me they're looking at. The only times I ever feel like I'm showing other people who I truly am is when I'm online.
I'm losing control. My emotions are slipping away from me, and the other me is getting bigger and louder every day. I've become the popular mega tool that I despised so much throughout my life.
What do I do next? Am I Cracking apart? Is this some type of schizophrenia or something? I'm desperate, I'm lost, I have no idea what I'm doing anymore. All those years of precise control and observation are going out the window. What comes next?