I'm an introvert, as in, I lose energy from being around people for large amounts of time. I also don't handle alcohol very well (110 lbs female) and tend to have rough next days, where my stomach is off and limbs hurt even with only 1-2 shots. I haven't had a lot of friends in my life. now, I'm beginning to become close friends with a girl named Lydia who I really like and care about. I love spending time with her, but I can really only handle it in small doses before I want to go home and be with my boyfriend before falling asleep. I know I sound boring as fuck but I can't help it. We're in college, and she on the other hand can go seemingly forever. She will drink and party with me one night then the next night work, while I'm still recovering from my hangover, then text me to hang after work. I just can not go every day, I won't be myself after a while I'll just be crabby and wishing I were alone deep down. Will I ever be capable of normal human friendships? I have seriously been alone so long the thought of any spontaneous socialization is distressing
I guess my question is, how do I let her down sometimes without hurting the friendship or her feelings? Should I come right out and say I need alone time or does that make me sound unapproachable/scary?
Do you have a complex about socializing? Do you believe that it brings you discomfort? If so, why do you think that may be.
>im introverted but still have no problem developing friendships and socializing with people
>see introverted extrovert
That sounds totally normal to me, anon. Some people have more energy/stamina than others, especially when it comes to going out and doing things. You're not really an outlier--just a person who has less pep.
If you don't want to go out, just be frank about it and say something along the lines of "I'm not feeling it today... Next time, yea?". That way you're getting the point across and you aren't burning bridges/potentially missing out on future activities.
It's not discomfort, it's a lack of energy. Like riding a bike is fun but it's work because you need to focus so you don't ride off the path. Socializing is fun but it requires focus to avoid saying the wrong things, hurting their feelings, etc. I can only do it for so long before my mind needs a rest, and to be comfortable again
met online, been together three years after year long online relationship. Yes, I have one person in my life I'm comfortable around, and it was work; so fuck off
Happens to me all the time. The problem isn't saying "I'm not feeling it tonight," it's chronically denying invitations to stuff. It sounds like she wants to hang out with you, so don't take that for granted. If you don't want to hang out EVERY weekend, that's fine. Just make sure to make it up to her every now and then--even a little lunch date can show that you still want to be buddies.
You are overthinking socializing, and spending so much time inside of your own head instead of with the people around you puts up a wall between you and them on an emotional level.
For someone that is not social by nature, developing a good social sense is done by making mistakes and learning from them, just like any other skill. People do not feel the same way about you that you do about them, that's what being introverted is like. But it is not a good idea to define yourself as introverted and put labels on yourself based on what other people tell you. What you say about yourself is more limiting and binding than you realize.
Stepping on others sensitivities and beliefs tends to happen if you are somewhat intoverted. Most people who are extroverted do not spend enough of their time self-evaluation themselves to the point where they even develop the belief that they may be incapable of having real friendships. Nobody thinks this way except a person who is somewhat introverted. I use the word "somewhat" because a person is not truly introverted or truly extroverted, it's a spectrum.
I'm extremely sarcastic, and sometimes through this sarcasm I step on people's beliefs and act like a complete asshole without realizing it. What's important is not making any mistakes at all, but learning from them and avoiding them in the future. Apologizing for your insensitivity is also important as well, and telling people that you didn't actually mean what you said is as well. Eventually it will become natural to avoid saying things you know you will regret.
Embrace the qualities that you do have. I'm not the best at showing how I feel about things and people in general, but the people who I'm close to see me as among the most honest and caring person that they ever meet and I'm willing to do things for them that very few people ever would. It's not that I'm an asshole, but I'm a hard person to get to know well and understand. My close friends mean everything to me.
I'm an introvert like that too, and I sort of hate it. Here's how I cope: planning social events ahead of time, pushing myself to go out and do stuff when 'the mood' strikes to sort of acclimate myself to a more social life, and making sure I go and recharge when I need to so I don't have bad experiences. I mean sometimes you're stuck in social situations when you're at panel 3 and it blows, but at the same time, it's the dwelling about it which adds to the exhaust factor.
For me, I can never really express myself correctly when I'm out; it's a body language thing, I think, people never quite get the right impression - that's what exhausts me.
No, it's not unapproachable, but if you truly want to become a more social person then it would be best to let her know that you love being around her and still want to do things with her in the future, but it's just that you think binge drinking isn't really for you. Ask her if she wants to do stuff with you (I mean initiate), even if it's just a casual dinner with friends once or twice a week.
Be honest, but don't make her feel guilty. If you make her feel guilty, then tell her that you don't mean to make her feel bad because you enjoy bring around her and spending time with her.
It's because you're overthinking it and worrying about what people think of you or how you are making them feel. Learn to just enjoy the moment, even if you have to put up a facade on occasion.
Being a social introvert means that sometimes you need alone time to take care of responsibilities and battle with conflicting ideals, if that makes sense to you.
I screenshot that-- thanks for some good working advice. Since my current strategy is text the next morning saying sorry I fell asleep early. I can you actually are am introvert too, I wish it were as easy as just "stop overthinking!!" But hey that's why I'm on 4chan and probably need therapy! I was bullied extensively from kindergarten-highschool and I don't know if I will ever be able to shake the desire to disappear into the crowd.
I'm an introverted bookish guy with a love of Hawaiian shirts, and my best friend is an extroverted girl who's constantly going to parties and uses slang I still don't fully understand.
It's never been a big deal when I told her I'm just feeling drained and not really up to hanging out or whatever. Don't over complicate things, as long as you aren't rude about it I doubt she'll mind. It's when you hide from people and avoid their texts that they start getting offended.
The reason for your lack of social confidence (and possibly your introversion) could be because you were bullied growing up. I have gone through something similar (I had few friends, distant relationships with my divorced parents, switched schools frequently, and was also very awkward/nerdy growing up), but it began to end near the end of middle school when I lost a circle of close friends and had to learn how to make new ones in my own.
I developed a sense of humor and began to take other people (and myself) less seriously. I learned how to make other people laugh and started to smile more often, and eventually was able to socialize and relate to just about any person with a reasonably healthy mental state. If you are aware of your inadequacies and are actively fixing them, then it is likely that this will happen to you too. Beginning this process felt like the hardest thing in the world but has since become a habit. I am always changing and growing as a person, and I hope that never changes.
Yes, I'm a weird person.
>I don't know if I will ever be able to shake the desire to disappear into the crowd
You probably never will (I've struggled with it for years and still never have, but I've suppressed it for the most part), but it's not like that's a bad thing. Reaching a point where you are comfortable with who you are doesn't allow you to grow as a person.
I love myself for the person I am now and the person I am striving to become. Sounds narcisstic? If it allows me to be happy and have deep, meaningful relationships with other people then I don't care.
An inferiority complex is a difficult thing to overcome, and I honestly couldn't tell you if it's something that you will ever be able to completely, because I certainly haven't. Try your best in everything that you care to accomplish, and try to find the value in everything you do.
People will think a lot of different shit about you, and that will never change no matter what.
As an introverted introvert, I find that most people are perfectly ok with the plain explanation that I enjoy their company, but really need a moment for myself. Also, if you can't handle alcohol, just don't drink. Order ice tea or a soda, nobody who isn't a total jerk will mind.
Assuming you're actually introverted and not simply dealing with a social aversion, you should probably let your friend know that you need more down time than her. Like a lot more.
I'm probably one of the most introverted people I know, so it's hard keeping up friendships because most people are REALLY needy when it comes to attention. And there's times where I simply can't keep up. It isn't necessarily a bad thing; we just aren't a good match when that happens.
You really shouldn't be afraid to tell your friend when you don't feel like hanging out. If it gets to the point that it seems like you're avoiding her, then she's going to assume that you're avoiding HER rather than simply the social part of it.
But the remedy to that is ASKING HER to hang out. Don't always let her be the one to make arrangements or invite you. Invite her sometimes, even if it is to just chill out with you at home. You'd be surprised how many normal-to-extroverted people will enjoy that (and even if they don't, they'll be happy you invited them anyway).
Also, unlike some other people in this thread, please do not treat your introverted tendencies like some disease. There are both strengths and weaknesses in being more introverted, and over time you will learn to be more social and outgoing, but in your own way. Do learn what your weaknesses are and learn to strengthen them, but don't try to put on a facade - that'll just make you feel more stressed and out-of-place.
Honestly, I have no idea why people exalt the "extroverted" as the true extroverts tend to be the most socially inept because they are so worried about what others think of them OR because they need so much social stimulation that they drive people away.