I can't stand myself, how my life has gone so far and how it's going. I'm worried that if things keep going I will end up killing myself and hurting the few people who care about me, pretty much my direct family and one friend who's paranoid for my life so much that she only stays in contact to make sure I haven't put a bullet in my head yet. At the same time I don't see what the point of going on is if I'm never going see any fulfillment and be content with myself and my life. It becomes really hard for me to be genuinely happy anymore.
It feels like I'm completely stuck and can't resolve my depression adequately so I just suffer for the sake of everyone else. What do I need to do to get over this?
Yeah go see a doctor.
What you're going to be told if you're diagnosed is that you need to control your thoughts, alter your lifestyle and change your perceptions.
You'll be given the tools to do so and if you want to recover, you will.
Is it actually worth spending all that money and time on a doctor? I've been holding off because the one time I did go to one for something unrelated when I was around 12 years old it didn't help at all. It's made me kinda doubt the usefulness of paying a premium for help from someone who's likely never even had to experience something like that.
>is it actually worth spending all that money
put it this way. either they help and you get better (worth it).
or they dont help, and you kill yourself anyways, and it doesnt matter if you wasted money cuz you were going to kill yourself no matter what.
those are the options. unless of course you never actually intend to kill yourself and you are just using that as a way to express how sad you are cuz you think no one will take you seriously unless you're on the brink of death
How much is your life and health worth to you? Is it worth more than money? Do you want to get better?
Pills are hit and miss but cbt and other therapies for depression work, and they work almost unbelievably well.
I've thought about this a lot. I think I'm just completely unsatisfied with how my life has been and where it's going. I've never had a serious relationship and the one person I was crushing hard on kinda sparked this because they were better than me in every way and it made me see just how flawed I am as a person. It just kinda made me realize how worthless I am and it's stuck to me that I have no future to look forward to and nothing in my current life that can make me feel happy.
Just some background info:
>21 year old male
>working a job at a liquor store and I'm not really liking it but I have to keep it
>living in my parent's house
>no college education
>no irl friends
>only two online friends, one doesn't talk much anymore and the other is the girl I crushed hard on
>tried to kill myself once but obviously failed and made a fool of myself
>the other friend I'm pretty sure only stays in contact because she thinks I might kill myself one day
See above, I have genuinely tried to kill myself before.
It's worth it but pills have never worked for me, and they've only fucked up family members. It's worth it if it works but I don't feel like it will even work, just waste my time and possibly make me feel worse.
>i have genuinely tried to kill myself before
>Thats why im alive
this isnt a thing. you pretended to try and kill yourself.
but lets pretend it take this seriously
again what happens is
>you get better, worth the money
>you kill yourself, and money doesnt matter
Why do you automatically assume your life is going in a bad direction? You have a thing called "learned helplessness" where you think everything is hopeless and there's no point in trying anymore. The only way to escape it is by getting a few small victories, it's all you need at first to boost your morale. Then it may or may not snowball positively. It all depends on choice.
>therapy will only make me worse
so if you get therapy you'll kill yourself, and if you dont get therapy, you'll kill yourself.
so why not try therapy anyways since you got nothing to lose?
Well by that logic I shouldn't care about how anyone feels because once I'm dead that's it. Nothing will matter. Might as well just put a bullet in my head and be done with it.
Never the less, I'm considering it might just be worth it to at least try therapy beforehand and see if I'm wrong about it.
I know it's a very toxic mindset, but that's more or less been how my life has been going. One fuck up and missed opportunity after another has kinda stuck in me the mindset that things will never change for the better. Plus I've tried most of last year to focus on the small positives and I still somehow get caught up on all the bad things.
I've even moved to another state in an effort to start things off right but in the end I failed that, ended up feeling even worse, then moved back. Even though I was more accomplished and "independent" by the time I was back and better off objectively speaking I just felt worse off and even more aimless than before I even left in the first place. It always feels like a step back.
what? how is that logic the same?
if you got 20 bucks right now, and 20 bucks will buy you therapy (lets pretend here) then spending it makes sense. cuz either it works (worth the money) or it doesnt, and you kill yourself, and that money wasn't going to be spent on anythign else anyways.
if you want to compare people to that, sure if you plan to kill yourself you dont need to go out of your way to be nice to anyone, why bother? but that doesnt mean you should go out of your way to make anyone suffer since you're going to die, why bother?
but if you live, feelings do count cuz you have to deal with the reactions to that your entire life.
Start a gratitude journal to rewire your brain for seeing things more positively. Write 5-10 things you are thankful about every day, it doesn't matter how small or repetitive. Just to get you seeing things in a new light.
As for the failures, you shouldn't ascribe them to your personality being "flawed". They are just events in your past, they are mistakes you should learn from. Everyone fucks up big time, thinking you're a failure is just your super-ego (social consciousness) trying to label you. It does this compulsively and indiscriminately.
Does knowing this feel better?
as a way to appreciate things as they happen, take the idea of the gratitude journal and implement in them in real time.
as in, take out your phone, schedile 2 reminders a day at random times. when your phone goes off you remember to acknowledge something nice. comfy chair? tasty meal? crisp water? nice song? sit there and force yourself to appreciate something, even if its just being able to take a deep breath and how thats way better than when you have a cold.
I was just saying that depending on how you see it, caring about someone's feelings after you're dead is about as pointless as caring about your money. In the end it doesn't matter because you'll be dead.
That's an interesting idea. Never thought to keep a little journal with me and update it with good things periodically. Eventually I shouldn't even need the journal and just unconsciously appreciate those good little things and rewire myself?
I do like this idea.
you arent accounting for what you are actually experiencing.
if you have money, you can go out and eat. or buy something. and use that thing. you made an experience. that experience DOES matter.
thats why you blow your savings before dying (or leave it to a loved one). because you dont need it when you are dead. so if you are planning to kill yourself, you should just spend your money (or leave it to a loved one) because you wont need it when you are dead.
but if you are alive, spend the money on something you want, or save it for when you need it.
but for humans and feelings, it does matter cuz you have to live with it while you are still alive. if you hurt someone, they can come and hurt youm and you want the best quality if life. being respectful towards others helps with that.
but even if you plan to kill yourself tomorrow, you shouldnt go out trying to do damage to others. they have life to lives and actually want to.
if you want to get into a debate about whether or not our experiences matter cuz we eventually die, do it on your own time.
been there done that (only I was 19).
but I diddn't do pills... fuck pills!
I climbed a building in construction with a crane on top of it.
>climbed all to the end of that MF'er.
sat there for an our, watching my oh so beautifull city, where I couldn't get happy..
what my wholy philosophy of that action was:
A: I'm exualy gonna kill myself. If I do, there was no other option, I had to
B: I'm gonna climb down. I have thought about everything, all of my life. I 'counted my blessings' and I counted enough.
obv I took /B ofcorse, but I still realy believe in my thoughts, if I realy couldn't think of enough to keep me from jumping, I would have killed myself. simple as that.
I just HARDFORCED myself to those exual importend thoughts, and I found a sollution, with brute fucking force yes. but I did it within 2 hours.
my best adv:
get to your brink of extinction, something that is realy fast.
I'll see you here,
or I'll see you on the other side,
I believe you will have made the best choise ;)
^ sat on the end of that crane for almost 2 hours, just writing my goodbye letters to everyone, listening to my fav music.
it still almost wasn't enough tho, but I just knew that I needed to do that. or els I would have circleled around it for far to long, making myself even more unhappy