If there is infidelity in a relationship, and they choose to stay together, is it expected that the cheater forfeits all privacy and freedom? Is it understood that it will never go away or be gotten over, and be treated as such the rest of their lives?
I know how disgusting cheating is, but even murderers are sometimes released from prison and forgiven. So why should someone be treated like a domesticated animal for the rest of their lives, by their partner, because of what they did? Why would the partner even choose to stay in the relationship if they knew they'd have to be on top of the other person 24/7?
The cheater betrayed the trust of the relationship and is therefore beholden to whatever the person accepting them back dictates. Don't like it? Get out of the relationship. You should have done that before you cheated in the first place.
I understand that. But what if it never stops? How an you be with someone who will treat you like a child your entire life? One partner will forever feel like they are on a leash, the other will never be happy not being in a relationship with an "adult".
I have to admit years ago I was in that position were I had cheated but my partner still wanted to stay with me (I know I'm a dick for that). He was still good to me and all after that, but I would wake up in the middle of the night and see him sneakily scrolling through all my texts when he never did that prior to my admission of cheating. That is understandable. However if there was any instance of him doing something wrong after that, such as me being angry about him talking badly about my father/mother (he did this a lot) or something similar, he'd bring up the cheating as justification for EVERYTHING.
What I think is sure, you're not obligated to give the other person your trust. But you shouldn't think you can do whatever the fuck you want to that person and justify it with what they did wrong in the past, if you've quote unquote forgiven them and accepted everything to be in the past. If you haven't forgiven them/can't forgive them just say so and break up.
As for your question on why the partner would choose to say, my ex said he chose to stay because he was in love with me and just couldn't bring himself to leave me.
I think I was 17 at the time and he was 22. I had no intention of being serious and I wanted to play around, so I did. He was perfectly nice to me and treated me very well. There was no "he neglected me so I cheated!!" circumstance. After I cheated I felt guilty as hell and told him about it. I also said I understood if he wanted to break up, and he said no he wanted to stay as long as I promised to be loyal from then on. That's about it.
We've been together for a year and a half. I cheated from months 2-7. My partner wanted to leave, but said they still loved me too much. So we decided to work through it. I've tried to do the things my partner requests, but everyone around me who witnesses it claims that I'm being treated like a child, or "whipped" and that I should be an adult and stand up for myself. This only infuriates my partner more, and causes ultimatums such as "I can't deal with that stuff anymore".
I think a lot of it also has to do with whether you truly love the person or not. If you really loved them you would not cheat. I know I probably wouldn't have even considered cheating if I was truly in love with him. Looking bad I actually ending up breaking things off with him quite some time later because I just wasn't feeling it. I had to learn to differentiate between feeling comfortable and caring about the person and being truly attracted to them. I see it everywhere nowadays, all my old schoolmates marrying because the guy treats them well. When asked "but do you love them?" they hesitate and say yes while grimacing. I would rather just be single.
Anyway OP if you are in this position I would recommend to just break up. It will never work out.
I know what you mean, I recently sort of dropped out of the casual dating business. At this point I know exactly what kind of personality I'm looking for in a woman I could really fall in love with but kept dating people I'd find comfort in for a few months before we'd drift apart naturally, which I always see coming a mile away. Lost interest in doing that anymore. And, yeah, all my friends are married now, most out of convenience.
Sorry, OP, but I also recommend ending it. I don't see how things are going to magically get better.
I agree. You get tired of pretending that you're satisfied being in a relationship with a person who's good to date, generically, but who doesn't attract you, and you eventually find yourself being indifferent to everyone and just not giving a shit. Then you actually only started feeling something if you've talked to someone properly and found out what kind of person they are, and focus less on the hot passerby.
Just because a murderer payed their debt to society doesn't mean they aren't a murderer anymore. Though that is an EXTREME example.
Here's the thing though, if the person really does feel guilt for what they've done, and it bothers them on the inside, it means they genuinely are sorry. If you feel sorry about what you did because you did it, and not just because what you did is affecting your life currently, well I think that means you've done enough. You shouldn't beat yourself up anymore, and maybe talk about how this situation feels with your partner. Talking helps, as painful as it can be. Relationships are a two-way thing. They only work if both parties care about each other and work together to make things better.
I do feel genuinely sorry that I hurt my partner and would never do it again. They have said that they know I was a different person when it happened, my thought pattern was different. But that doesn't stop the "I don't feel comfortable when you're hanging out with people I don't know/your friends who I don't like/anywhere within 500ft. Of a member of the opposite sex."
This partner clearly has trust issues, which is understandable, but complicated. That can be a difficult thing to work with. When you are hurt by someone, it is very hard to forgive them, and almost impossible to forget what they did. Talk to them about how it's making you feel, and how their behavior is effecting the relationship, as well as your own. As long as you have a dialogue, I believe these things can be worked through.
If a guy has trust issues about lying, cheating, manipulative girls and then you confirm his validation for having these issues its done.
Youll break up and move on possibly do the same shit again and he will be forever broken.
Well, I tend to be a hopeful person, so no.
I'd say it would be a good start if the partner got some help for their trust issues, and if you're supportive and loyal during the process, I think this whole situation could have a turn-around. Only if the two of you are supportive, and open to healing these wounds will it work out, though. Which is why I think the first thing you should do is get your partner to start working on those trust issues.
>If there is infidelity in a relationship, and they choose to stay together, is it expected that the cheater forfeits all privacy and freedom? Is it understood that it will never go away or be gotten over, and be treated as such the rest of their lives?
>We've been together for a year and a half. I cheated from months 2-7.
So this is basically what happened: your value and her value used to be roughly equivalent, but since you cheated, you've dropped in value significantly and she feels the need to extract something greater from you in exchange, or she's not interested.
The question is, can your value recover?
In some cases, I think it's certainly possible, but given that you cheated for 5 out of the 18 (27%) months you've been together, which is a pretty huge percentage, I wouldn't be surprised if you're never fully forgiven. Trust doesn't just recover out of nowhere, it takes a long ass time.
and really, she shouldn't have taken someone like you back in the first place
My father went through this. His therapist said that it's absolutely crutial that the couple try to rebuild trust and NEVER use the cheating as ammo in fights or bring it up or make the cheater feel guilty or the relationship wont work.
If you choose to stay you NEED to let it go or at least agree to act like you've let it go while the relationship is fixed. Or else just leave